Cycle Breaker and Change Maker | Introduction to the Emotional Recovery from a Critical Illness

Episode 16 - Introduction to the Emotional Recovery from a Critical Illness 

When you make it through a critical illness you might expect to feel happy, relieved and even energized.  You may think that you should be ready to move on with your life and leave that awful event in the past where it supposedly belongs.  Afterall, you have overcome the illness or at least the illness’s current hurdle.  Those around you might presume that you have moved on too.  Even if they don’t say it outwardly, they might assume you will act as you always have, resume your normal work duties, your home and educational duties, your parenting duties and so on because to them - you have recovered, at least to a certain extent.  To everyone else it might seem that life is moving on and that part is true, life does move on.  This is one of the aspects of the human experience that we can rely on even if at times, it seems like the world should stop to honor what has happened to us or those around us, it simply does not.

What is not talked about enough and what you might not expect is to not feel happy, not feel relieved and not feel energized or motivated at all. Getting back to life as you know it is not as simple as it seems.  The thing is, after surviving a critical illness you are forever changed. There is no life as you know it anymore.  You do not see or feel life in the same way.   I can spot critical illness survivors easily - I have witnessed the ones that have had major breakthroughs and truly cherish life,  I’ve seen the ones that run away from the experience right into the hands of substances and I’ve seen the ones that remain in a constant state of depression.  The ones I see most clearly, are the ones like me, the ones who move on with their life so quickly and get hit so hard with PTSD that they don’t see it coming, and they don’t even recognize it at first.

Transcript

Episode 16 - Introduction to the emotional recovery from a critical illness 

When you make it through a critical illness you might expect to feel happy, relieved and even energized.  You may think that you should be ready to move on with your life and leave that awful event in the past where it supposedly belongs.  Afterall, you have overcome the illness or at least the illness’s current hurdle.  Those around you might presume that you have moved on too.  Even if they don’t say it outwardly, they might assume you will act as you always have, resume your normal work duties, your home and educational duties, your parenting duties and so on because to them - you have recovered, at least to a certain extent.  To everyone else it might seem that life is moving on and that part is true, life does move on.  This is one of the aspects of the human experience that we can rely on even if at times, it seems like the world should stop to honor what has happened to us or those around us, it simply does not.

What is not talked about enough and what you might not expect is to not feel happy, not feel relieved and not feel energized or motivated at all. Getting back to life as you know it is not as simple as it seems.  The thing is, after surviving a critical illness you are forever changed. There is no life as you know it anymore.  You do not see or feel life in the same way.   I can spot critical illness survivors easily - I have witnessed the ones that have had major breakthroughs and truly cherish life,  I’ve seen the ones that run away from the experience right into the hands of substances and I’ve seen the ones that remain in a constant state of depression.  The ones I see most clearly, are the ones like me, the ones who move on with their life so quickly and get hit so hard with PTSD that they don’t see it coming, and they don’t even recognize it at first.

I was just 19 when I made it through  my brain tumor surgery.  At home a few days later, I cried, I didn’t cry very hard, but the tears started to finally trickle down my face.  Up to this point, I had not shed one real tear.  When this happened, instead of being given reassurance and open arms, I was faced with questions and confusion - why are you crying? - what’s wrong? And so on. So, I stopped, I didn’t cry or talk about it again at home.

I moved forward, I went back to school two weeks after the surgery and back to work not long after that.  Figure skating was one of the things I missed the most. I loved being on the ice, but that I couldn’t go back to, my brain hadn’t collapsed around where the mass once was and the fluid build up made it very difficult to balance properly.  

I believe that there was some counseling offered at some point, I actually remember my neurosurgeon who is one of my heroes offer it, but I refused.  I said I didn’t need it.  Remember, I was an abuse victim, so I moved forward through life at a rapid pace at all times. I didn’t pause to talk about what I was feeling and there was no room  for that type of discussion in my household as it related to emotions coming from me.

The thing is, critical illness is awful, it's scary, it's terrifying and it makes you feel and think about all of the things you never want to and truly never should have to.  It makes you envision your own funeral, it makes you wonder if you will be missed, it makes you wonder who you will be leaving behind.  

Sounds pretty sad and terrible right?  That is because it is. 

What steps can you take to manage the emotional recovery from a critical illness?

Step 1:

Burying the experience unfortunately doesn’t make it go away.  If you have done this, believe me I fully understand, its survival and at the time it is needed.  It doesn’t erase what has happened to you though, that is still there.  If you have gone through or are going through a critical illness, acknowledge that you have gone through something that is massive. Acknowledge that no one understands your experience better than you.   Please give yourself a lot of kindness, and leeway and understanding.  Those expectations you have of yourself, of your old life - you don’t have to lose them, but you have to be flexible with them.  Share this episode with those around you if it will help them to understand your experience better.

Step 2:

Understand your needs and be explicitly clear with them.  This takes practice, you might not know what you need at first and you may have to try a few times to get this part right.   If you feel that you are being demanding - trust me, you are not, you need this part of you to heal and having your needs met at a time of vulnerability is going to help with that immensely. If you think you are being clear, be clearer, leave nothing up for interpretation because humans naturally don’t understand each other - they hear from their own perspective first..  Here are examples of what you can say:  I have survived something huge and  I need to cry about it - hold me, I need to be not needed right now, I need you to just sit there with me, silently.

Step 3:

Don’t do this alone.  Community is so important, when you are going through something huge or going through a hard time, most of us will retract and not reach out for help.  This is the time to fight that urge to be alone.  Find others who have been through something similar - it will make you feel less alone and at a minimum, validate your feelings.   Sometimes you need someone else to say that you can feel what you are feeling - there is something about someone saying - hey - you are allowed to feel that way that can be incredibly healing.  We don’t always give ourselves the permission we should.

I am going to stop here for today's episode, that was a heavy one, yet such an important message.  Thank you for listening and I look forward to supporting you further on your journey.