Cycle Breaker and Change Maker | Introduction to entering controlling relationships as a trauma response

Episode 20 - Introduction to entering controlling relationships as a trauma response

Are you in a relationship personal or professional with someone that makes you feel powerless or scared?  Maybe they hold grudges constantly over issues that are actually trivial?  Perhaps they make you feel like you cannot do anything right ever, or that there is something wrong with you?  

Or maybe you are in a situation where the other person makes you feel like you are always the problem in any situation.  In certain situations they could be monitoring you by asking you to tell them everything or looking into your personal email and social media accounts?

If so, you could be experiencing a controlling relationship situation.  If you are realizing that this may be the case for you, it is absolutely not your fault and you can get out of it. 

 So what exactly is a controlling relationship?

A controlling relationship is one that is based on an imbalance of power.  It is a relationship where the other person is dominating you, and displaying  authoritarian and possessive behavior.  It is a situation where the other person is constantly trying to control your every move, regularly makes you feel guilty, shows extreme jealousy, isolates you from your friends and family.  It is a relationship where you are not free to be yourself, and where you experience a lack of self worth, intimidation, guilt and insecurity and alienation from your support system.  This form of control can be brought up in multiple ways - financial, physical, sexual, spiritual, psychological and emotional.

Transcript

Before I start today’s episode I want to express a special thank you to everyone that has been listening to this podcast.  This podcast is now being regularly downloaded across 30 countries and 130 cities - I could not be more grateful!  Hearing from you and hearing your stories of how this podcast has helped you has made this process more rewarding than I had imagined.  Today marks our 20th episode.

Episode 20 - Introduction to entering controlling relationships as a trauma response

Are you in a relationship personal or professional with someone that makes you feel powerless or scared?  Maybe they hold grudges constantly over issues that are actually trivial?  Perhaps they make you feel like you cannot do anything right ever, or that there is something wrong with you?  

Or maybe you are in a situation where the other person makes you feel like you are always the problem in any situation.  In certain situations they could be monitoring you by asking you to tell them everything or looking into your personal email and social media accounts?

If so, you could be experiencing a controlling relationship situation.  If you are realizing that this may be the case for you, it is absolutely not your fault and you can get out of it. 

 So what exactly is a controlling relationship?

A controlling relationship is one that is based on an imbalance of power.  It is a relationship where the other person is dominating you, and displaying  authoritarian and possessive behavior.  It is a situation where the other person is constantly trying to control your every move, regularly makes you feel guilty, shows extreme jealousy, isolates you from your friends and family.  It is a relationship where you are not free to be yourself, and where you experience a lack of self worth, intimidation, guilt and insecurity and alienation from your support system.  This form of control can be brought up in multiple ways - financial, physical, sexual, spiritual, psychological and emotional.

Why do people enter into thought controlling relationships and how does it impact the negative cycle?

When you have experienced trauma you can enter into controlling relationships for so many very valid reasons.  When you experience trauma as a child, your trauma history can set you up to unwillingly get into controlling relationships.   Childhood wounds can set a person up for abuse in their adult lives.  If you see someone you care about going through this as I have, I know it is incredibly frustrating, however looking at the situation needs to be done through eyes of compassion.  This is complicated, and woven into a person's personality, it is not as simple as pointing out the other person's red flags to them.  Here are just some of the reasons why.

Being abused as a child can mean that as an adult you don’t understand that you don't deserve to be treated badly, children that are abused sadly usually think that they deserve, so it makes sense that as an adult, they would think they deserve the same treatment, they have not been told or accepted otherwise.  You can also become used to expecting the worst from others, and learn to expect and accept it as an adult.

As an abused child you can become an adult that unintentionally and even unconsciously tries to fix other abusers - this comes from a place of trying to heal yourself and trying to rewrite the story of what happened to you.  It looks like entering relationships that remind you of those who have abused you in the past and trying to change them for the better.   This one is tough, because it does not work, it can’t and it puts a person at risk of staying in a dangerous relationship waiting for a change that can never come.

My story and how being in a thought controlling relationship has impacted me as an adult:

I was born right into an abusive relationship and experienced control from my earliest formative memories.  I grew up in a multi-faith home, I was taught in one faith that Jesus had lived and died and in the other, that Jesus had not been born yet and, one of my caregivers believed wholeheartedly that they were jesus.

The issue with this was that the use of religion in the home was abusive, it was oppressive and controlling. The easiest way for me to describe it is what you might hear about cults – the religious leader controls everything and everyone in all aspects of their lives through fear and guilt of not following the rules.  

So for me, the roadmap to pursue abusive relationships was imprinted upon me.  I learned to pursue abusive relationships in different aspects of my life because it felt safe, and familiar and, like a cause to champion.    I became exceptionally and unhealthily tolerant, I would ignore my own happiness and experience a diminished sense of self.    Believe me when I say it is no way to live, life is fleeting and giving others power over you day in and day out, is exhausting, demoralizing and depressing.  

What have I done to break the cycle of how control from others has impacted me?

Step 1:

Acknowledging.   This is a theme in many of my episodes, acknowledgement.  This is because it is a very important step - if you are not able to acknowledge that there is something that can use attention in your life, no one can force you to see it, it has to come from within.  If what I have shared today resonates with you, or if you identify with what I have said in today's episode please acknowledge that feeling.  You will more than likely want to push it away, or disregard it but I encourage you to try something different this time, just let it exist, just let it be.

Step 2:

Know that it is not your fault.  I mean, really know that this situation is not your fault.  Listen to this episode again, read the resources I will be sharing with this episode.  Getting into controlling relationships is never your fault.  This is an important step because once you  are able to minimize the self blame, the healing can begin. 

Step 3:

Make a plan.  The best thing you can do for yourself when you feel hopeless and overwhelmed with a situation you are in is to start taking action.  This doesn’t have to be done in an overwhelming way.  Take small manageable steps.  The plan can be to pick and implement a boundary that will make you feel better.  The plan can be to reach out to a family member or friend for advice or help.  The plan can be to do one nice thing for yourself each day.  If the control is severe and your safety is at risk, you can make a plan to contact a shelter for next steps.

My experience - how implementing the steps outlined above led to a positive outcome:

In every abusive relationship I have left I have been able to do it because I have gotten to a point where I have  reached a tipping point where I have had enough and my efforts to leave have been fueled by strength.   This is because I took the steps I have outlined.

Acknowledging - by acknowledging that I deserved to be happier and was not being treated properly I was able to step outside of my situation.  When you see your relationship as an observer you can start saying to yourself that you would never let your friend, or child or spouse be treated in that way and you can ask yourself why you are tolerating it?  By acknowledging that something is not right or equal or fair you will allow your feelings of needing to seek justice or fair treatment come up.  These feelings are crucial because they will fuel you through the situation at hand.

Inevitably I would usually be hard on myself and say why did I get into this, how did I get into this situation again?  I saw all the red flags, people warned me, but I still went into this?  What is wrong with me?  I was being so unkind to myself when all I needed was some compassion.

It took me time to see that my traumatic past was dictating my future, and when I understood that, I knew it needed to stop.  I am in control of my future, my past is not, by letting my past predict my future I was giving it and everyone in it way too much power.  So, I took the power back into my own hands by making a plan.   I needed help at this step,  it was complex and required keeping myself safe from harm, and this happened more than once.  I had to privately ask friends and experts for help to get out, and - I did, more than once.

I went from thinking and feeling that I was in a life sentence of abuse, to getting away from it.  I had to start starting from scratch and creating my own future.  Based on my past I was not set up for success, in fact,  the cards seemed to be set against me, adversity kept on showing up in my life.   It is because of  my personal experience that I know you can leave a controlling relationship - if I did it I know you can too.