Cycle Breaker and Change Maker | How to manage through the Holiday season as a person coping with trauma

 How to manage through the Holiday season as a person coping with  trauma 

If you are living with trauma, the holidays may be a time that you are dreading.  You may be overwhelmed and anxious about being around people you do not really want to be with.  You may not feel that you can manage all of the pressures the traditional Holiday season can bring. These can be financial pressures, social pressures, travel pressures and so on.  Or, perhaps you do not have family or friends to be with, and you are feeling isolated and alone.  

Transcript

Episode 21 - How to manage through the Holiday season as a person coping with  trauma 

If you are living with trauma, the holidays may be a time that you are dreading.  You may be overwhelmed and anxious about being around people you do not really want to be with.  You may not feel that you can manage all of the pressures the traditional Holiday season can bring. These can be financial pressures, social pressures, travel pressures and so on.  Or, perhaps you do not have family or friends to be with, and you are feeling isolated and alone. 

 So why exactly are the holidays so hard for people with trauma?

The holidays are especially hard for victims of trauma because they are full of triggers that can be challenging to avoid.  Some Holiday situations can make a victim of trauma feel extremely stirred up without them even knowing why.

When we take a step by step look at what happens over the holidays - this response makes quite a lot of sense.  It is important to know that even individuals who are not coping with trauma in their day to day lives find the Holiday season an overwhelming time of year.

Over the holidays it is expected that you are to be happy and it is expected that you want to spend the special time of year with your family.   If you do not feel safe or supported by your family and you are not feeling in a space of peace and happiness this societal pressure can feel like the weight of the world is being put on your shoulders.  If you do not actually want to be with your family and are not feeling content you're going to end up feeling incredibly isolated from everyone around you who seems to be enjoying themselves (and I guarantee you, they are not all actually happy to be there - they may very well be putting on a show).

The Holidays are also full of changes in routines, when you have lived a life of trauma, routines and schedules are incredibly important to make you feel safe and secure and, in order to help you take care of your mental health.  Feeling safe is a basic human need, if this is disrupted it is no wonder you are not able to find enjoyment in the Holiday season.

For some of you, you will be faced with the situation I found myself in every Holiday season - I would have to be in the same room as one of my abusers.  Not only was the abuser's presence incredibly triggering - I just couldn’t escape my past -  seeing the old surroundings - the carpets, the artwork on the walls…, smelling foods from my past, hearing sounds of the floors creaking in the house.  I was trying to play pretend, every year.  It is so incredibly draining to pretend you are happy when you feel like a part of you is dying inside.

Here is my story and how one holidays I finally hit a breaking point:

Because of my challenging past, I had developed an incredibly high threshold for lifeloads.  This was not a positive thing, it was a coping mechanism I had developed to survive.  After years of just getting through things and facing adversity over and over, I learned to completely disregard my own needs which is incredibly dangerous and not something anyone ever deserves to go through.  

I used to hate the Holidays, and I would start worrying about them six months before the actual holiday season.  One Holiday season we went to visit my former abuser, after I had already worried about this for six months and had that built up in my system.  As I have shared in previous episodes it is not straight forward or easy to part ways with an abuser, I was still at the point in my life where I needed to know where this person was, in order to feel safe from harm.  This person was experiencing a mental health episode, and, as had happened in my past,  this individual had the agency to do something about their mental state and chose not to. I knew this going into the visit, however I did not know how much it had progressed until I was in front of them and they told us there was no space to sit down and we had to go to a room at the top of the house until the meal was ready.  

Once in that room, I felt every part of my body screaming - it was such a profound experience.  It was like walking back in time and right into a traumatic experience.  It was awful and it moved me forward.  After that Holiday season I moved away, I cut ties and I gave myself the biggest gift - I told myself I had had enough, I had reached my limit and I was going to make the Holidays what I wanted them to be moving forwards.

What have I done to make the Holidays a safe experience?

Step 1:

Communicate:  This can feel awkward to do at first, however if you do not tell others what you are experiencing or feeling, they have no way of knowing that you may need help.  Perhaps they see you as generally happy or on top of things all the time, they may have no idea what is truly going on in your mind.  Tell the people that have expectations of you that you do not feel 100% this time of year, or you might need to leave early in order to take care of yourself.  YOu can also tell them if certain subjects or substances like alcohol are off-limits - this is creating healthy and helpful boundaries for yourself.

 
Step 2:

Make a Plan:  This is such a helpful and important step.  If the Holidays are especially channeling for you you need to make a Before - During - After Plan.  The first time I learned about this concept I did not understand why there needed to be so many stages, however, when you are a victim of trauma you need to take extra steps at this time of year to protect yourself.  I am sensitive to the fact that if you have young children the implementation of this can be challenging, if you need specific advice around that or any other situation please feel free to ask me for additional resources on how to manage based on what you're going through.

The Before plan could look like some quiet time to yourself, doing something that makes you feel calm like a meditation, reading a book, drinking tea - it does not have to be a lot, I know you may have young kids and demanding schedules - but make a plan for a few minutes for yourself, this helps fill your tank for managing the next few days.

The During plan is what you're going to do during the event to help you not feel as overwhelmed - this is something that helps you feel calm and grounded.  This can be having a fidget toy or a bracelet to play with, talking to someone who helps you feel calm, taking small frequent breaks and going for a walk or a breath of fresh air.

The After plan is very important, trauma victims can feel extremely emotionally dysregulated after holiday events - the after plan is your time and place to decompress and wind down - this could look like telling others you are not available for a few hours and need to sit on the couch. 

Step 3:

Leave:  Yes, this is an option for you, I know it is a bold move but your needs matter more than anything else.  You matter enough to not have to explain why you are leaving, this is a gift to you because by leaving a situation that is not good for you - you are prioritizing yourself.  


Please, be kind to yourself this Holiday season by making some space for yourself to plan how you are going to get through this time of year. I promise being proactive will help you avoid a lot of pain and discomfort.  This has been life changing for me and I know, it will be life changing for you too.