Cycle Breaker and Change Maker | Introduction to not being Seen as a trauma Response

Introduction to Not Being Seen as a Trauma Response

Have you ever felt invisible in your relationships, friendships, or even in your workplace? Perhaps you feel like your needs, thoughts, and feelings don’t matter, or that others rarely acknowledge your contributions or presence. Do you find yourself retreating or staying quiet, even when you’re desperate to speak up? If so, this might be a result of a trauma response—a learned behavior that is rooted in your past experiences.

This pattern does not have to define your life, and you can learn to reclaim your voice and presence.

So what exactly is not being seen as a trauma response?

Not being seen as a trauma response is the tendency to make yourself invisible in interactions, relationships, or social settings. It often stems from a survival mechanism developed during traumatic experiences, particularly in one's childhood.

For example, if you grew up in an environment where your emotional needs were consistently ignored, or where expressing yourself was met with punishment, judgment, or rejection, you may have learned that staying quiet and out of sight was the safer option. Over time though, this adaptive behavior can carry into adulthood, showing up as a fear of taking up space or a belief that your needs don’t matter. This response might manifest as people-pleasing, avoiding conflict, or suppressing your emotions to keep the peace.

Transcript

Episode 22 - Introduction to Not Being Seen as a Trauma Response

Have you ever felt invisible in your relationships, friendships, or even in your workplace? Perhaps you feel like your needs, thoughts, and feelings don’t matter, or that others rarely acknowledge your contributions or presence. Do you find yourself retreating or staying quiet, even when you’re desperate to speak up? If so, this might be a result of a trauma response—a learned behavior that is rooted in your past experiences.

This pattern does not have to define your life, and you can learn to reclaim your voice and presence.

So what exactly is not being seen as a trauma response?

Not being seen as a trauma response is the tendency to make yourself invisible in interactions, relationships, or social settings. It often stems from a survival mechanism developed during traumatic experiences, particularly in one's childhood.

For example, if you grew up in an environment where your emotional needs were consistently ignored, or where expressing yourself was met with punishment, judgment, or rejection, you may have learned that staying quiet and out of sight was the safer option. Over time though, this adaptive behavior can carry into adulthood, showing up as a fear of taking up space or a belief that your needs don’t matter. This response might manifest as people-pleasing, avoiding conflict, or suppressing your emotions to keep the peace.

Why does this trauma response happen in relationships, and how does it impact the negative cycle?

Not being seen often happens because of deep-seated fears of rejection, abandonment, or conflict. When a person has experienced neglect, abuse, or invalidation, they may come to believe that their presence or contributions are burdensome. In relationships, this response can lead to a cycle of unmet needs and growing resentment:

1. Fear of Visibility: You might hesitate to express your thoughts or needs because you fear rejection or judgment.
2. Unmet Needs: Because you don’t advocate for yourself, others may not realize what you need, leaving you feeling unseen and unheard.
3. Resentment and Isolation: Over time, the frustration of being overlooked can build, leading to feelings of isolation and even more reluctance to speak up.

This cycle perpetuates itself and can damage self-esteem and relationships, leaving you feeling stuck and unseen.

Here is my story and how not being seen has impacted me as an adult:

Growing up, my feelings were overlooked. My family dynamics revolved around a caregiver whose mental unrest was overwhelming, terrifying and unsafe.  This, combined with the forbidden communication around mental illness left no room for me to be seen or heard. If I dared to express myself, I was met with confusion as to why I was upset - in a completely valid moment of tears after surviving my brain tumour surgery instead of being comforted I was faced with why why why are you crying? Over time, I simply stopped trying to communicate my feelings. I convinced myself that my feelings weren’t important and knew that in my environment staying quiet was the best way to avoid conflict.

This pattern followed me into young adulthood. I held jobs where my contributions were undervalued, friendships where I was always the listener, and relationships where I minimized my needs. I often felt invisible, yet I didn’t know how to break free. It wasn’t until I started addressing my trauma that I realized this was a learned response,  and certainly not an inherent flaw in me.  If you are faced with feeling invisible, please know that the feeling is absolutely not your fault and you can move past it.

So what have I done to break the cycle of how not being seen has impacted me?

Step 1: Acknowledge the Pattern

Acknowledgment has been a recurring theme in my healing journey. I had to recognize that my tendency to stay invisible wasn’t my fault; it was a survival mechanism. I also had to be honest with myself about the ways this pattern was holding me back. This step required patience and self-compassion, as confronting these truths wasn’t easy.

Step 2: Challenge the Belief that I Don’t Matter

I began to examine and challenge the belief that my needs and feelings were unimportant. This involved journaling about my experiences, reflecting on moments when I felt unseen, and identifying the internalized messages I had absorbed over the years. I also learned teh art of reframing, which is one of my absolute favourite concepts.  Through this process I learned to reframe these beliefs and remind myself that I deserve to be heard just as much as anyone else.

Step 3: Practice being seen and heard by expressing ideas and opinions

This step was the most uncomfortable but also the most empowering. Over time, I worked up to setting boundaries in relationships and advocating for myself in situations where I previously would have stayed silent. Each time I stood up for myself, it was like setting more of myself free.  By practicing this, it reinforces the fact that your voice does indeed matter.

Here is my experience and how implementing the steps outlined above has led to a positive outcome:

As I practiced these steps, I began to notice subtle but significant changes. In my relationships, I felt more connected and respected because I was no longer suppressing my needs - I became happier.  I started receiving recognition for my ideas because I allowed myself to speak up. Most importantly, I began to feel a sense of self-worth that had eluded me for so long.

Breaking free from the cycle of not being seen is a process, and it requires consistent effort and self-compassion. But I can tell you this: it’s worth it. You deserve to express your ideas and opinions. You deserve to be seen and heard. And with time, you can rewrite the narrative that has kept you invisible for so long.