Cycle Breaker and Change Maker | Breaking the Cycle of Self-harm Caused by Trauma

 Episode 31 Title: Breaking the Cycle of Self-Harm Caused by Trauma 

Before we begin today’s episode, I want to give a gentle content warning. We’ll be talking about self-harm and eating disorders—topics that can be very sensitive and triggering for some listeners. Please take care of yourself while listening. If at any point you need to pause or come back later, that’s okay. Do what feels right for you. 

This space is about compassion and healing. Let’s begin. 

Today’s episode covers a topic that is often kept in the shadows: self-harm as a response to trauma—and more importantly, how to break the cycle. 

If you’re here because you’ve struggled with self-harm or love someone who does, I want to first say—you are not alone. This is a space free of shame and full of honesty, compassion, and possibility. The pain is real, and so is the hope. 

Like in every episode, I’ll share part of my story, and then walk you through real, practical steps to help you move from survival into healing. 

Let’s Begin with the Why: Why Trauma Can Lead to Self-Harm 

For many of us, trauma doesn’t just go away once the danger has passed. Instead, it lingers in our bodies and minds. We look fine on the outside, but internally we’re doing everything we can to survive. 

Sometimes, the only way we know how to cope is through behaviors that give us a false sense of control—like self-harm. 

Self-harm can look different for everyone. For some, it’s physical injury. For others, like in my case, it’s more hidden. My self-harm showed up through restrictive eating and overexercising—behaviors that no one questioned, but that were chipping away at me from the inside. 

Transcript

Episode 31 Title: Breaking the Cycle of Self-Harm Caused by Trauma

Hi everyone, it’s Renata.

Before we begin today’s episode, I want to give a gentle content warning. We’ll be talking about self-harm and eating disorders—topics that can be very sensitive and triggering for some listeners. Please take care of yourself while listening. If at any point you need to pause or come back later, that’s okay. Do what feels right for you.

This space is about compassion and healing. Let’s begin.

Hello, and welcome back to Cycle Breaker and Change Maker. I’m your host, Renata Ortega.

Today’s episode covers a topic that is often kept in the shadows: self-harm as a response to trauma—and more importantly, how to break the cycle.

If you’re here because you’ve struggled with self-harm or love someone who does, I want to first say—you are not alone. This is a space free of shame and full of honesty, compassion, and possibility. The pain is real, and so is the hope.

Like in every episode, I’ll share part of my story, and then walk you through real, practical steps to help you move from survival into healing.

Let’s Begin with the Why: Why Trauma Can Lead to Self-Harm

For many of us, trauma doesn’t just go away once the danger has passed. Instead, it lingers in our bodies and minds. We look fine on the outside, but internally we’re doing everything we can to survive.

Sometimes, the only way we know how to cope is through behaviors that give us a false sense of control—like self-harm.

Self-harm can look different for everyone. For some, it’s physical injury. For others, like in my case, it’s more hidden. My self-harm showed up through restrictive eating and overexercising—behaviors that no one questioned, but that were chipping away at me from the inside.

My Story: The Illness Behind the Illness

After I survived my brain tumor surgery—something most people assumed would be the hardest part—another battle began.

I was put on strong painkillers that happened to be appetite enhancers. At the same time, I had to stop figure skating, which had been a big part of my identity and routine. And because the tumor was no longer making me violently sick to my stomach for weeks at a time, my body started to change.

I gained weight.

Looking back, I now understand this was healthy and necessary—my body was healing. But at the time? I saw it as hideous, ugly, and something I needed to fix.

I developed an eating disorder. I restricted food and overexercised in secret. It went completely unnoticed in my home.

I remember one well-meaning colleague gently pointed out that I wasn’t eating enough and looked unwell. I brushed her off so quickly. I wasn’t ready to admit something was wrong. I wish I had seen it as concern instead of criticism. I wish I had asked for help.

Trying to manage the trauma of a critical illness, the loss of control, and the grief over how my body changed—it became too much. Controlling food and exercise became my way of coping. My false sense of control.

But here’s the part I want you to hear loud and clear: you can change self-harming habits. You can learn why they happen, how they happen, and—most importantly—how to break free from them.

What Does This Cycle Look Like?

Here’s how it often plays out:

1. You feel emotionally overwhelmed or numb.
    
    
2. A trigger—often subtle—sparks panic or self-loathing.
    
    
3. You act out a self-harming behavior to regain control or feel something.
    
    
4. Relief is short-lived and is followed by guilt, shame, or regret.
    
    
5. The cycle starts again.
    
    

Breaking this cycle requires awareness, compassion, and new tools.

Steps That Helped Me Begin to Heal

Step 1: Replace the behavior, not the feeling.
 The emotions that lead to self-harm are valid. We don’t need to erase them—we need to find a safer outlet. When the urge to restrict or overexercise crept in, I learned to pause. Sometimes that meant journaling instead of skipping a meal. Sometimes it meant calling a trusted friend when I wanted to isolate.

Step 2: Notice your patterns.
 I started tracking when I felt the urge to self-harm. It wasn’t random. It often happened after feeling out of control, like after a doctor’s appointment or even after seeing a photo of myself. Knowing the triggers gave me power back.

Step 3: Create a response plan.
 I wrote down five things I could do when the urge hit. These were things that didn’t require a lot of energy or willpower: a cup of warm tea, a grounding video, stepping outside to breathe, wrapping myself in a blanket, or drawing what I was feeling. These small shifts slowly added up.

Step 4: Talk to someone.
 Even if you start small. Even if it’s just one sentence. When I finally admitted I wasn’t okay, I didn’t know that would be the turning point—but it was. Healing started with connection.

Step 5: Let go of perfection.
 Healing isn’t neat. I slipped. I doubted myself. But each time, I returned to the tools. I reminded myself that healing isn’t about never struggling—it’s about struggling less often and recovering more quickly.

What I Know Now

I know now that the weight I gained was life returning to my body. I know now that my worth was never tied to a number, a size, or how much control I could exert over myself. I know now that what I really needed was comfort, validation, and the permission to grieve and grow.

And I know now that self-harm was never the enemy. It was the red flag that I needed help.

To Those Listening Right Now

If this story sounds like yours—even a little—I want to tell you something I wish someone had told me:

You’re not dramatic. You’re not weak. You’re hurting. And hurting people need care, not criticism.

Breaking the cycle is possible. It takes time, it takes honesty, and it takes support—but it is absolutely possible. And you are so, so worth the effort.

If this episode resonated with you, please don’t keep it to yourself. Share it with someone who may need to hear these words. And if you’re ready for more tools and support, visit the resources on my website or reach out to someone you trust.

Until next time, be gentle with yourself. You are a cycle breaker, and every step you take is a step toward freedom.