A Deep Dive into Escaping the Negative Relationship Cycle, an expansion on Episode 2

In episode 2, I introduced the concept of the negative relationship cycle—how we often find ourselves in harmful or unbalanced relationships without even realizing we’re repeating a pattern we never chose in the first place.

Today, we’re going to go deeper. This episode is for anyone who’s ever thought, “Why does this keep happening to me?” or “Why do I keep ending up with people who hurt me, drain me, or make me question my worth?”

If that sounds familiar, please know this: You are not broken. You are not beyond healing. You are not alone.

Transcript

Hello and welcome back to the Cycle Breaker and Change Maker podcast. I’m Renata Ortega, and if you’re tuning in today, I know you’re ready to do the deep, courageous work of breaking free from the patterns that no longer serve you.

In episode 2, I introduced the concept of the negative relationship cycle—how we often find ourselves in harmful or unbalanced relationships without even realizing we’re repeating a pattern we never chose in the first place.

Today, we’re going to go deeper. This episode is for anyone who’s ever thought, “Why does this keep happening to me?” or “Why do I keep ending up with people who hurt me, drain me, or make me question my worth?”

If that sounds familiar, please know this: You are not broken. You are not beyond healing. You are not alone.

What Is the Negative Relationship Cycle—Really?

Let’s define it clearly.

A negative relationship cycle is a pattern of entering, staying in, or returning to relationships that are emotionally unsafe, unbalanced, or unhealthy. This doesn’t just mean romantic partnerships—it can include friendships, family members, and even professional relationships.

These relationships often involve:

• Manipulation or emotional coercion
  
  
  
• Disrespect of boundaries
  
  
  
• Gaslighting that makes you doubt your memory, your needs, or even your sanity
  
  
  
• Control masked as concern
  
  
  
• Conditional affection—where you are loved only when you behave a certain way
  
  
  

You may notice a theme here: these dynamics slowly erase your sense of self.

And yet, despite how painful they are, we often stay. Why?

Because they feel familiar. And familiar can feel safe—even when it isn’t.

Why Do We Stay?

Here’s the hard truth: the nervous system doesn’t crave what’s healthy, it craves what’s known. If chaos was your baseline growing up, stability can actually feel boring or even threatening.

Many of us learned that love equals pain, sacrifice, performance, or unpredictability. That love has to be earned. That love is only real when it hurts a little.

If you were taught that you had to fix, rescue, or please to be worthy of connection, you may be drawn—again and again—to people who require that of you.

This cycle often begins before we’re even old enough to name it. The blueprint for love gets etched into our nervous systems by age seven. If love came with abandonment, inconsistency, or fear, we internalize those as normal, even comforting.

And so we seek them out. Again and again. Until we interrupt the pattern.

How to Escape the Cycle

Now, let’s talk about how to get out. I’m going to walk you through the steps I took to escape the negative relationship cycle—ones that you can begin today.

Step 1: Identify the Pattern

Make space to examine your past relationships—romantic, platonic, familial, or professional. What do they have in common?

Ask yourself:

• What role did I take on in that relationship? (Fixer? Caretaker? Scapegoat?)
  
  
  
• Did I feel like I had to earn their love or respect?
  
  
  
• Did I feel seen, heard, and safe?
  
  
  

Pattern recognition is key. You can’t escape what you won’t name.

Step 2: Reconnect with Your Inner Voice

If you’ve spent years being gaslit or silenced, your own intuition might feel distant. But it’s still there.

Begin rebuilding trust with yourself. Try journaling or voice notes. Ask yourself:

• What do I really want from a relationship?
  
  
  
• What red flags have I ignored before?
  
  
  
• When did I feel most at peace in a relationship—and when did I feel most afraid?
  
  
  

This step is about getting re-acquainted with yourself—your needs, your desires, your truth.

Step 3: Set a Boundary—and Hold It

This might be the hardest part. Because setting a boundary might mean someone walks away. And if you fear abandonment, that’s terrifying.

But here’s what I’ve learned: Losing someone who doesn’t respect your boundary is a gain, not a loss.

Start with small boundaries—like taking longer to respond to a message, or saying “no” without overexplaining.

Each time you protect your peace, you’re rewriting the blueprint. You’re teaching your nervous system that safety doesn’t come from being over-available—it comes from being authentic.

Step 4: Get Support

You do not have to do this alone. This cycle thrives in silence. Break the silence.

Talk to a therapist, a trauma-informed coach, a trusted friend. Join a group of people who are also doing this work.

There is something powerful about hearing someone else say, “Me too.” It reminds you that you’re not imagining things. That your pain is real. That your healing is possible.

You Can Choose Again

The best thing I ever did was learn to disappoint others in order to not abandon myself.

And I want you to know—no matter how many times you’ve gone back, no matter how many red flags you’ve ignored—it’s never too late to choose differently.

You don’t need anyone’s permission to change your life.

The negative relationship cycle ends when you say it does.

And when you do—when you truly choose yourself—it is the most powerful, radical, and healing act of your life.

You are allowed to be loved without confusion, chaos, or conditions.

You are worthy of peace.

You are worthy of safety.

You are worthy of you.

Until next time, thank you for being here. Thank you for being brave. And thank you for doing the work.