you are the blueprint: YOU TEACH PEOPLE HOW TO TREAT YOU

In today’s solo, we’re pulling the curtain back on the phrase “you teach people how to treat you” what it actually means, why it’s not your fault, and how to finally stop outsourcing your worth.

We’re talking dating dynamics, friendship shifts, nervous system sabotage, and the slow-boiling pain of people pleasing. I share some raw updates on my own health, the perfectionism spiral, and what happens when you start respecting yourself so deeply… the world mirrors it back.

This is about remembering your power. Not by being cold, but by being clear. Let this be your permission slip to stop apologizing, start honoring your truth, and walk away from anything that dims your light.

We’re practicing all of this inside the Vulnerability School Community, now live, including the 21-Day Realignment Reset starting June 2. Come join us if you’re ready to raise the bar on how you treat you.

Come home to yourself. The door is open.
https://www.skool.com/vulnerabilityiscool/about?ref=be5b5116a9144eea84ac60512f613995

🌀 Your needs matter. You matter. And not everyone gets to walk through your light.

@vulnerabilityiscool
@jennajarvisjarvis
vulnerabilityiscool.com

Thank you for listening, ily
xoxo

Transcript

SPEAKER_00: 0:00

Okay, brothers and sisters, welcome back to the Vulnerability School Podcast. I am your host, Jenna Jarvis, and if you're new here, the Vulnerability School Podcast is all about coming home to yourself. It is all about choosing you and making vulnerability cool, obviously. Cool to be sensitive, cool to fully embrace yourself, cool to step into your power, and cool to just be who you truly are. And a topic that I've been thinking of so much lately is is the concept of you teach people how to treat you. Like we literally hear that all the time. all the time. I've heard it so much throughout my life and I'm always just like, oh, I teach people how to treat me. But I'm like, what does that even mean? And like, how do I even do that? So my recent fixation has been this topic and that's what we're going to discuss today. Before we get into that, I just want to, you know, the Jenna updates what's going on in my life. My hormones have been absolutely out of whack. I had this quote on my calendar when I was little and it said, disease is dis-ease. And I really thought that was So like, I remember seeing that all the time and just being, holy shit, that's so crazy. Disease is just dis-ease in your body. And yeah, so my hormones have been out of whack. My mind's been out of whack. Like everything's just been... Boom, boom, boom. And so obviously the universe is like, Jenna, please slow down here. Let's figure this out. And I'm like, okay, bitch, let's do it. So I was going to release the community and everything. And I am just also wanting to know such a perfectionist, such a perfectionist to a fault that it holds me back from so many things. Like the way I've re-edited every single video and meditation to make sure it is perfect for this new community is insane. Absolutely. insane so I'm just learning to be like okay Jenna let's just like let this go and we're gonna do it how it is because it's perfect the way it is and it's totally fine so the new community is now launching June 2nd which I'm so beyond hyped about it is truly my baby and I'm just pouring my whole heart and soul into it the 21 day realignment reset will start that on June 2nd so you can join before then and you can join the community today and there's also a 7 day free trial so that's fun and exciting and it's just$33 a month so come join I'll talk about that more at the end but we're doing breath work meditations it's a community that will hold you accountable doing shadow work working through all sorts of different things regulating your nervous system yada yada yada all the things but the way that I've been getting my hormones um back in alignment is prioritizing sleep which I've literally never done that in my whole life that's crazy but I'm so the person that I can sleep for four hours and feel like I slept for eight hours so I've just never really done The other thing I'm doing is got off coffee again because I know it's not good for my body and I know it causes so much anxiety. And so I got off again and I've been doing matcha and I barely had any matcha today and I feel so energized. So I'm like, it is possible. And I have Adderall because my ADHD and I only take like five milligrams once a week or twice a week, maybe. That's like my limit now. It also just, I don't know, kind of makes me just like a sad person irritable person if i take too much but it also helps me get shit done you know i'm saying the balance okay let's see what else i have here oh i also started taking ashwagandha and magnesium every night to because i was getting really really bloated and my period wasn't starting it was actually crazy like i was not okay so really the universe was like jenna come on the secret lives and just I'm such a sensitive person I just felt so guilty about like talking about Dakota but at the same time I was like no that's like literally my real story and a real experience and this shit happens all the time and it's not okay so I'm like you know what it's fine and then I saw a podcast episode with Macy talking about the whole situation and how she really doesn't like Dakota and it just made me think a little bit more like wow maybe he is not that great like even worse than I thought like obviously what he did wasn't great but I was like oh he must have changed but then in the episode Macy was talking about how every time taylor has something big come up dakota like starts a fight right before so she can't go and i was like oh shit like i didn't understand it was at that level and i'm like i don't support that zero percent yeah it makes me sad and i'm grateful i'm not involved in any more drama over here wonder buddy's cool let's get moving let's get into today's topic which is you teach people how to treat you. I've really been thinking about this because one dating and then like two friendships but I feel like I have had way better friendships than I have had like romantic relationships so mostly in dating and like here I've been on several dates and I go through phases. Well in the beginning I went on lots of dates and now I don't really because I'm just like out here protecting my peace you know what I'm would be just I think from childhood and whatever I don't want to use that as an excuse but it's just the truth like I have become such a people pleaser and it's been years of just trying to unlearn that and And being a people pleaser, it's so crazy because you're kind of lying to people because you're not telling the truth of how you really feel and you're not showing up as who you actually are. So you are lying to them. Like, so in the end, you're really not helping them and you're not making the situation better. You're making it worse for them and for yourself. And so just want to give some background. That's definitely like where this episode is coming from and what I am currently learning. as we speak. So again, we've heard it a million times. You teach people how to treat you, but what does that even mean? How do we teach people? What are we saying through our behavior? How do we stop teaching people to walk all over us without becoming cold or shutting down? Because personally for me, I feel mean when I have boundaries. Even talking about my experience with Dakota, that was so real and so raw. And I was being fully honest. I felt so mean, which is crazy. I shouldn't be feeling that way when I'm just expressing my truth. So we're breaking it all down today. The psychology, the energetics. the real life moments. This one is for our recovering people pleasers, the recovering pushovers, our soft girlies, and the boundary curious, okay? And I just want to express all of this not coming from a place of like, I have this all figured out. I'm literally in it right now. So this is something that I am actively practicing. Take a deep breath. And breathe out. And we are going to be learning together. And let's start with the hard motherfucking truth, okay? You are always teaching people how to treat you. And what you allow will continue. And it's not about telling people. It truly comes down to what you allow. What you don't say... and what you let slide. If someone is being flaky or disrespectful and you just keep showing up like nothing has happened, that's like a silent little green light that says, I'm okay with this. Treat me like shit. Walk all over me. And I 100% get it because I have done it for years because I've always thought that being nice meant being understanding, meant being cool. meant that people are going to like me, but truly for all the wrong reasons that I didn't even understand. And I want to say this in the kindest way possible and for you to really truly understand that people pleasing is lying. You're lying about what you actually feel. You're hiding the resentment. You're smiling through all the boundary violation. And the more that you do that, the more you train people to treat you like your needs don't matter. And it's not your fault. It's not my fault. It's raised in an environment where love was conditional, it makes 100% sense that you would act in the way that you've been acting. Where you were taught that good meant being quiet, meant being agreeable, and being small. But now we get to rewrite this story. So there's this analogy, which I'm sure you've heard of. The analogy is about a boiling frog. If you put a frog in boiling water, it will jump out immediately. But if you put it in cold water and slowly turn up the heat, it doesn't notice until it's too late. That is because people pleasing. That's saying yes when you want to say no. That's letting someone make that joke about you just one more time. That's going along with plans that drain you until one day you wake up and you're just simmering in resentment, wondering why does nobody respect me? Because you taught them not to. We're all walking around in these invisible classrooms and every time we respond to someone's behavior, we're handing them a little lesson plan. Ignore my feelings. Get access. Flake on me three times, I'll still be here. Overstep my boundary, I'll just shrink instead of speak. And people, even the well-meaning ones, take note. Even the well-meaning ones, take note. And not that they're essentially trying to hurt you, but it's like, I don't know, it just becomes so natural. I think I see this in my life a lot. My dad will listen to this, but my dad is a people pleaser as well. We have that in common. And I just see this with him. Like if he's overly giving, I see people take advantage of him. I just, you know, you just see it. And then I see that with myself too. Even the nicest people, they just, it's natural. I don't know, like human nature just to be like, oh, you give me more. Okay, I'll take more. You know what I mean? And I think it takes a lot of self-awareness to not do that. But even with so much self-awareness, it's still easy to walk all over people. One thing that I used to believe and still feel is that setting a boundary means being mean. Or that if I say no, they're going to leave. But boundaries are not Not about pushing people away. They're about letting the right ones stay. Kind of rhymed. The people who love you will want to know your boundaries. The people who love you will want to know your boundaries because it gives them a clear map of how to love you well. And the people that get offended by your boundaries, first off, are not your people. They are benefiting from your lack of them. I know. They are benefiting... from your lack of boundaries. If they get offended, it is truly because they are benefiting from your boundaries. Let that sink in. Saying that to myself. But it's so true. And I want you to ask yourself in this moment, if someone has gotten mad at me for having a standard or a boundary, were they ever actually meeting you there? Or were you just lowering the bar to keep them around? And this part is a little woof. But stay with me, okay? There's this energetic truth that the world mirrors how we treat ourselves. If you constantly abandon yourself, you are going to attract people who do the same. But if you start honoring your time, your emotions, your body, your energy, people are going to feel that and you are going to attract that. It's like you're walking around with an invisible sign that says, I respect myself and you will need to match that energy. And I just want to really emphasize on this because I've noticed this so much I keep saying I feel like I've progressed more in these four months in Bali than I have in the past two years and it's so cool because I get to show up and be whoever I want to be so I practice this time and time again and in the beginning I was not respecting myself I was not respecting my energy and I would attract people that did that and the more that I have respected myself and my boundaries and stayed in when I didn't want to go out and told people how I really feel I'm like able to filter people out so fast and I am at the point now I'm like I don't care if they don't fit into my life I'm okay to let them go now because I'm like in the end it will not serve me and it will drain me and bring me down and down and down and I don't want that anymore it's not about being perfect it's truly about congruence if you say you want respect but keep tolerating disrespect you are confusing the universe you're sending mixed messages and that's what you're going to get but when you fully live and embody your boundary when you act on it consistently you recalibrate your entire field and that's is when things shift and this might sound so motherfucking woo woo but I have lived this I have truly lived this you're not just asking for better treatment you are becoming someone who expects it and not that I'm actively seeking to date people right now but truly the more that I've respected my boundaries the men that I am attracting into my life are are completely different from the people I was attracting when I first came to Bali. And it's actually insane to see the shift. Like I can't even comprehend it fully, but it's like, oh no, the math is mathing. I respect myself. I attract people that respect me. I have boundaries. I attract people who want to be in my life and respect my boundaries. So let's get specific because this is not just for your journal and for an Instagram caption, but this is for your motherfucking real life. First, let's talk about dating. This is just an example. If someone only texts you late at night or is giving you literally breadcrumbs of effort and you still show up fully, which literally me, guilty of a million times, you are teaching them that you will take the bare minimum. For example, I'm gonna share a little story of someone I went out with. I was going out with this guy. We met at this like cool place brewery place and we were dancing and I it was so fun like our energies just matched 100% I was like holy shit who is this guy and he had like the coolest style and he was just beautiful and I was like oh my god and we were dancing it was so much fun and we like hung out a couple times then he started saying like I want to see you like I miss you like I love your vibe like we're just so the same he would always say that and I just be like okay and then he wouldn't make any effort to see me and old me would have just been like okay fly on the wall whatever I'm just here when you need me you know and but the new me was like no like I don't like this and I'm gonna speak up about how I feel and so I told him like if we're hanging out I want to feel like a priority in your life and if I'm not then it's totally fine like let's just part ways and like do our thing but I just don't like this like in between of like I'm not really sure where I stand in your life I don't know if it was like a language barrier or what was going on but he's like well you're not a priority and I'm like okay okay then like why do you even message me at all and he's like I'm my priority and I'm like okay all about like the self-respect and yes cool but if I'm not a priority in your life I do not want to be in your life and he was like well I'm my priority and I don't know like we just couldn't really get on the same page and I just let the relationship fizzle because I'm like And then he, you know, sometimes still would reach out and like say something. And I'd just be like, I don't even like, what is the point? Like, you know how I feel. And I've set this boundary. And guess who is so much happier now?

UNKNOWN: 15:01

Me.

SPEAKER_00: 15:01

crazy and that was a while ago but I'm it was just like such a profound experience for me to be like holy shit no stay in your power and be so much happier and your mental health will be so much happier and your life will be so much better and so that was beautiful also so funny that he's like you're not a priority I'm like bitch uh okay but I guess he was being it's weird because he was like being honest but at the same time he was still wanting to hang out with me so I'm like I don't know and he's like I'm not seeing anyone else so I was like what's going on here you got to show up and be who you really are and say what you actually feel, not what you think they want to hear. And also when I brought this up, he responded in such like a victim way that I was like, red flag, that's gross. Like if we cannot even barely have this conversation of just like, hey, I just want to feel like more of a priority. I'm like, we're not going to be able to have any conversation. And let's talk about friendships. If you are the go-to emotional support friend, but your needs are never met, I want you to pause and say, hey, I am here for you, but I also need space to process my own stuff. And a real friend will understand that okay an example with family oof this is where it gets real someone said the other day i'm sure it's been said a million times but it was like if you really want to see how you're doing mentally go spend 24 hours with your parents or your family or something and i was like that is so real because your family just triggers you you they really just do because you get to be your full self but they also know you and they've watched you grow so they know how you used to be so it's hard to show up as who you want to be now so family can get a little sticky you can love your family and still set boundaries you can show up differently than you used to show up when you were kid. And if they don't respect that, then that's something you need to reevaluate. But you need to show up as who you actually are, who you actually are now and who you are becoming. You can say, I'm not available to talk about this right now, or I will not be lending you this money, or no, I'm not going to make it to the family gathering. That is okay because that is how you really feel. That doesn't make you cold. It makes you clear. A little work example. Stop answering emails at midnight unless you want that to be expected. I have had to learn this time and time again. Boundaries at work are often like unspoken agreements and you truly do get to set the tone even if you're already in it even if you're years in it you can show up differently today i want you to fully understand that you can show up differently today and the first time you hold a boundary you may feel sick literally me still almost every time it is like a muscle the more that you do it the stronger you get and essentially the easier it gets you might immediately want to apologize and your inner child might panic and that is okay You just have to sit with it and really think about what you're doing and be so intentional. And do not apologize. Do not apologize for how you feel. That is your old rewiring flaring up. The version of you that learned that self-love equals self-abandonment. It's making me emotional. But every time you hold your ground, you are teaching your inner child that self-love is real love. that it is not conditional, that it is unconditional, and that you are going to take care of that inner child like your life depends on it. You are saying, I've got you now, you matter, and we're safe. And I am going to take care of you. So be patient with yourself because you're not just teaching others. You're also teaching you. And the inner you is always watching. And you are teaching this version of you how to treat that version of you. This stuff truly just makes me so emotional because I'm like, you are in full control of your life. And we allow so much that makes us so miserable that just causes disease in our body and makes us so unhappy when we are in full control. We can change the narrative. You can be the conscious creator of your reality and not the victim. And here's what I want you to leave with. You do not have to be harder. You do not have to be cold. You just need to be clear. You do not need to earn love by overgiving. You do not have to explain your no. You get to set the tone and you get to decide what's okay and what's not okay. You get to. No one else. Just you. You and Chachi PT if you need it. You and your therapist. You get to set the tone. And you get to walk away from what does not honor you. You are not a doormat. You are a whole damn doorway to your highest self. And not everyone gets to walk through. I want you to put one hand on your heart and I want you to repeat this affirmation after me. I am the blueprint for how others treat me. I choose to lead with self-respect. I no longer betray myself to keep the peace. I choose truth over performance. I am safe to be seen to be heard and to walk away from anything that dims me. Your needs matter. You motherfucking matter. And you have the opportunity to no longer play the victim, but to truly step into being the conscious creator of your reality. Because you create your reality. So maybe today is the day that you start teaching a new lesson. Not with just your words, but with your actions. With self-respect. With unconditional love for yourself. With standards. With softness and with strength at the same time. Because you deserve it. I am so proud of And I'm so excited to be doing this with you. If this resonated with you, we will be practicing all of this and more in the new vulnerability school community, which is now live and you can now join. There is a seven day free trial and we will be starting the 21 day realignment reset June 2nd. And if you're listening to this after that, we will be doing different courses and projects and so many different things again and again and again. And I'm going to do the reset, the 21 day reset every So come join. I'm so excited to have you. Come join us if you are ready to raise the bar in your life and truly come home to yourself. I can emphasize enough that my whole company is about finding the magic in you. understanding that it's always been there and we just need to bring it to the surface and we need to realign with our truest highest most authentic self and I just want to share one little thing too one little experience that I had is the other day I was going to go share my ayahuasca experience on Instagram and because it'd been one year so I was like oh I want to post about it but I was like oh I'm just like nervous what if guys that I'm I don't know what if like a potential guy that I can't even explain it I was just like people are just gonna like judge me I feel like or like maybe think that i'm so much or whatever because i had this big long caption i wrote it and i was so passionate about it but i was is this just too much and i was like you know what my people are my people and the people that think i'm too much are not my people the people that think i am the perfect amount are my motherfucking people and the people that love the way that i think and i'm just gonna post about this i'm just gonna be mean and then i had like random people follow me that are just like so aligned with who i am and i had two people message me that i would not expect this from that were like jenna like i appreciate so much what you share I appreciate who you are and just I was like wow I am realigning with the people that I need to be aligned with and that is so beautiful and that is what I need so also if I could have everybody understand one thing today in the whole world it would be show up as you show up as who you truly are not the people pleaser version of you show up as you make this promise to me repeat in your head right now I am going to show up as me Because you deserve it. I love you. And you are not too much. Making me cry again. You are not needy. You're just learning how to stop shrinking. And start shining. Okay. We are shining. We are shining our light. Because there's so much light inside of you. And the way that I'm shaking right now. Because I'm so passionate about this. That is all I have for you this week. And I'm so excited to see you next week. Come join the community. And all these things. In the name of vulnerability. Amen. I love you.