Being The Single Friend And Learning To Love It

Have you watched your social media fill with couples photos on Valentine's Day and felt like you wanted to chuck your phone out the window? I get it.

But being single can provide you with some of the best years of your life. From learning what you truly want in relationships to having the freedom to pursue career goals without compromise, being the single friend can come with many advantages. 

Later in the episode, we discuss practical advice for the person who has felt isolated as the "third wheel" in friend groups, and how to maintain meaningful friendships while respecting your own boundaries.

And remember, you're not behind, you're not lacking in anything, you're becoming exactly who you're meant to be.

Transcript

Speaker 1 0:17

Hey guys, welcome back to another episode of the 20 Survival Guide. This is your host, emily Astley. This week we are having some real talk. This is really important, and I'm your search and rescue team for every single single girl and boy out there. This episode is for you, and also this episode is for the people in relationships too, because if you wanna help understand your single friends when they're third wheeling your dates, your hangouts, this is how they're feeling and this is what you should do about it.

Speaker 1 0:48

But in today's episode, I think we need to discuss the beauty of being single and how you can handle being single and love it, because I know so many people and I used to be this person that absolutely hated being single with every single fiber of their being. We really need to reframe this, because being single is great. There are so many good things about it and we don't need to waste this time wishing that we weren't, because this is such critical time. It's not just about going out and going crazy. It's actually really important to use this time whilst you're single for your whole personal development. It's important to every aspect of your life that you make the most of this, and I'm going to tell you why in this episode. But if you sometimes feel like that friend that is the only single one in your friendship group, or you just really want a relationship and you're looking but you just feel hopeless because you keep trying to find something that just isn't working out, or you're just tired of being alone and you want someone to share your experiences with, have a cuddle with in the evening, I got you because I'm about to tell you why being single is so worth it. So in today's episode we are going to talk about many things. We're going to talk about why being single can feel super isolating, especially in your 20s. We're going to talk about how to stop treating being single as sort of like a waiting room for someone to just come along, the right person to come along. We're going to talk about how we can embrace this chapter properly, like with confidence, freedom, identity all these things that come along with being single, and how we can make the most of it. And we're also going to talk about how we can navigate friendships and social settings when you're the only single one or you feel really single in them, and how can you navigate that when a lot of your friends are in relationships and you want that. So, without further ado, let's get into the episode.

Speaker 1 2:54

Okay, guys, so why is it really hard to be single? Let's not lie, let's not sugarcoat it. I'm not here to sugarcoat things, we know that. But being single can feel so hard and I've been single for, like I keep saying, two years, like every single year, and now I'm like is it two years? It's probably three years. At this point I think it is. But I've been single for a while and I'm very much a relationship person, so that's why it's a surprise, because normally you'd be like well, that's really, that's really normal. But I have had many long-term relationships, so this is the longest period I've ever been single for and it's been a journey. But being single can be so hard and I really struggled in the beginning, especially on Valentine's Day.

Speaker 1 3:36

Okay, valentine's Day, national Boyfriend Day why the hell is that? Even a day? I I don't know, but those days are sickening because everyone's posting pictures of them in their relationship. And you see your Instagram stories literally full on Valentine's Day with people just posting a picture of them and their boyfriend, or them and their girlfriend, and it's like, oh my God, if I see another one, I'm actually going to like, smash my, my phone and you just so easily can feel like you're behind or you're unwanted, like maybe you don't feel behind in your life, maybe you feel like you're exactly where you need to be right now and that's great, but it also can make you feel unwanted. Whether you are confident in yourself or not, it literally doesn't matter, because being single whilst seeing everyone else in a relationship can make you feel like a little bit left out and a little bit unwanted, even when that's not the case, because if your close friends are in relationships, and especially your best friends, you are the person who will tend to just third wheel on them and they won't have a problem, I'm sure of it. But it will be difficult because you'll be wishing that you also had that person to share that time with.

Speaker 1 4:44

And there are so many things that come along with being single, which is so difficult, and it's just little moments that people in relationships don't really have. They don't really experience as much, and it's it's things that you might not notice. Being left out on double dates. If your friends have boyfriends, they go out on double dates. You can't join. You can't join them, you don't have a boyfriend, you don't have a girlfriend or if you're looking for a relationship, your friends might be giving you sympathetic talk and telling you that you'll find someone soon. The right person's going to come along. They come along when you're least expecting it and that's really nice and all, and I'm sure that they're saying that in order to be helpful.

Speaker 1 5:18

But it can feel like you're just being patronized and like no one wants to be patronized. That's an awful feeling. You end up wanting to respond to them and saying I have been trying for ages like what are you talking about? You have no idea. You know and you can watch your friends who are in relationships go through these milestones, go through these yearly anniversaries, do these high rocks together, go climb mountains, go on a couple holidays, you know, and you just might feel stuck.

Shifting Your Mindset About Singlehood

Speaker 1 5:48

You might feel like I wish I was sharing this point in my life with someone else, and I think a lot of people that I know treat being single like a pause on your life until the main event comes along, and the main event is supposed to be that person that you share your life with. But being single is not a pause and that's the whole issue. It's very important. It's not like you're in a waiting room and you're just waiting for that person to come along for your life to feel complete, because it's never gonna happen, because your life needs to be complete by yourself, and then the right person can add to it. But being single has its perks, and it has so much importance. So we shouldn't be treating it as a pause, and I'm going to tell you why and how we can shift our mindset about being single. So shifting our mindset around being single is so crucial. Now we we're gonna redefine what it actually means to be single.

Speaker 1 6:43

You're not lacking in a boyfriend, in a girlfriend. You're not lacking in a partner. You're not lacking in any part of yourself, which is why you're not in a relationship. So if you're sitting here and you're thinking I am not in a relationship because I'm not good enough, I'm not smart enough, I'm not pretty enough, I'm not pretty enough, I'm not funny enough, it's none of that, because you are you and the right person will be there and they're out there for you and you don't have to be a different person in order to be liked. So let's remind ourselves that we're not lacking in anything. We're learning how to find what is right for us. Look for the right signs in the right person and also just learn about ourselves, because we are in our 20s and there is so much more that we don't even know about ourselves. How crazy is that wild?

Speaker 1 7:27

I know singleness is not absence. Guys like you don't have an absence in your life because, like I've said before and I know that this comes through a lot of growth, a lot of personal development and working on yourself to realize this, and I know it's a journey but you have to get to the point where you know that you are completely whole and complete as a person without anyone else, and this person who will come along is just going to be an added bonus. You don't need anyone else to be complete. So it's not an absence, it's a space that you have, a space that you have to think about what you're doing with your life, what you want out of life. A space that you have to spend more time with your friends, spend more time on yourself, spend more time figuring out what you enjoy, what hobbies you like. It just gives you more time, and this time is precious, because time is always cherished and precious in life. We don't ever have enough time. When is always cherished and precious in life. We don't ever have enough time. When you're single, this is fundamentally the time where you build the strongest version of yourself right now, and this is emotionally, spiritually, creatively, career-wise. This is where the magic happens, like the magic happens now, and that is why I've always said on the podcast it's important to be single for at least a little bit of time in your 20s, because you're trying to figure things out and you can do that a lot easier, I think, when you are alone.

Speaker 1 8:50

Now there are a lot of beliefs that we have and I definitely had this belief a couple months ago even I'm only valuable when I'm desired. That's's not true and you might not think that, but if you do, it's not true. We need to break that and you need to replace it with I'm valuable, full stop. You are valuable whether you are with someone, whether you are not, whether someone wants you or someone doesn't Like that doesn't change your self-worth. That doesn't change whether you're valuable or not. And a great question to ask yourself when you're going through self-reflection doesn't change whether you're valuable or not. And a great question to ask yourself when you're going through self-reflection, when you're feeling down because you feel like you want to have a partner and you don't is. If I truly believed I was already whole as a person, what would I do differently? Like how would you act differently? What would you do differently in your life? Because you're not waiting for the right person to come along. You are having to think what would the complete version of me look like? And if that is the case now, what would I do differently? These are important questions you need to think about.

Speaker 1 9:55

I always say this that I would never have started my podcast, or really I would have started it. That's a lie. I would have started it, but I don. Or really I would have started it. That's a lie. I would have started it, but I don't think I would have been able to focus on it as much as I did if I was in a relationship. And that's not me throwing any shade on relationships. That's not me trying to say that you can't do what you want and go and achieve your dreams when you're in a relationship, but it is just me saying that I had a lot more time for myself, a lot more space to think and a lot more time to work on myself and be selfish.

Speaker 1 10:29

And my last year of uni, I was single and I was in a relationship for the first two years, but my last year I was totally single and that's when I decided to take the leap and start the podcast, because it's something that I love to do. I, to take the leap and start the podcast because it's something that I love to do. I spent so much time in third year doing that and I still do, and I think I have all this extra time because I don't have to spend it with someone else, to allow me to be selfish and work on this for you guys, because I love sharing episodes with you guys and I love when you listen and, honestly, this is what brings me joy like this is my happy place right now. Podcasting. Being single gave me this outlet to realize this is what I want to do and I do want to go ahead with it and because I have this time on my hands, I can do that. So there's almost something beautiful about knowing that you never know what is in store for you until you sit with yourself and you realize I have all this extra time. What do I want to do with that? You know?

Speaker 1 11:26

So it is not a bad thing to have time on your hands to be alone with your own thoughts and think about them without overthinking, because we overthink, I overthink, and I'm not saying necessarily to do that, but you have to remember who is the most important person in the world to you. I know you have to remember who is the most important person in the world to you. I know you have your best friends, you have your family, but I think the most important person is you and I think that's because you are the only person who you're stuck with and you know you're stuck with for the rest of your life. You need to make sure that you work on that person, that you put that person before anyone else, and I don't mean that in a selfish way. It's okay for you to want to put yourself first and work on yourself to make sure you are the best complete, happy version of yourself as possible, before spending so much time and sacrificing a lot of your time for someone else and doing things for them, which is great but you need to be selfish and you're allowed to be selfish. So do it now and be selfish, because that is completely fine.

Speaker 1 12:44

I'm just going to tell a little story about how I felt in the beginning of this year. Now that we're six months in, a lot has changed for me and a lot of how I think in my mindset around being single has changed, and that's why I feel like this is the perfect time for me to bring out an episode around this topic, because I feel comfortable and so knowledgeable with my wealth of experience of being single to help you guys out. So maybe this is just me who felt this way and it's totally normal, but it sounds stupid. But hear me out. In the beginning of this year, like I was still working, and in October to December, I also felt the same way and I felt this way that in order for me to be successful, I work. Because I was working and focus hard and be really successful and do really well at my job and be really driven and make something on myself.

Speaker 1 13:39

The only way that I could do that was by not focusing on any boys. I was always saying to my friends like I don't have time, like I don't have time for men, I don't have time for a relationship, I don't have time for dates because I'm too busy focusing on me and I don't have time for anyone else and I can't focus on me unless I'm completely alone. And you know what? That was the mindset I had, because I think I just thought, in order for me to want to be powerful and successful and a strong, independent businesswoman I me to want to be powerful and successful and a strong, independent businesswoman I needed to be alone. I didn't need any boys distracting me. I thought that, that it was all beneath me, you know, and that was a very toxic mindset which I didn't realize until later, because I then shut out a huge part of my life dating, looking for someone, romance, everything. I shut it all out because I thought I can't have that balance. There's no such thing as balance when it comes to this. I can't have it.

Speaker 1 14:37

That then inevitably meant my life was in an imbalance, because, as much as it's great to focus on yourself, you also need a balance and everything needs needs to be balanced in life. But I needed to understand that it's okay that you can go and be successful and you can work really hard, but that doesn't mean that you have to give up looking for someone or spending time on dating or getting to know people and having a nice connection with someone. And when my friend told me that I thought like this, and it was really toxic. She was like this is ridiculous, emily, and I love her because she will sit me down and she will tell me exactly how she thinks, whether I like it or not but she said this is ridiculous. You think that you need to be powerful and ice cold in order to be strong and successful. But you're you don't. You can have a balance and it's not going to crush your dreams and your success and your work ethic in order to go on a bloody date or two. You know like that's not going to ruin anything and you can still work hard.

Speaker 1 15:44

And then I realized yeah, oh my god, how dumb is that? Because there are so many successful people out there who are obviously married, who are obviously in a relationship, and that doesn't mean that they're not doing well. So I kind of just thought why am I putting this part of my life on pause? There's no need for that. And the result of me being this way was that I felt really down because a part of my life was imbalanced. I felt really low in January, I felt not great about myself and I felt super burnt out, and I think it was because I was missing this balance which I've mentioned.

Speaker 1 16:21

So if you are the kind of person who thinks I'm working now, I'm a working adult and I'm thriving in my 20s and I just don't have time to date, I don't have time for anyone else, I don't have time to look for someone. There's a real fine line between that being the right mindset to an extent and then that becoming toxic, because I understand that you might work a really hard job and you might have really long hours, but there is still time for you to spend time on yourself and meet other people. And I think if you're the kind of person who's like shut out any potential of going on dates, I'm not saying you have to go and actively search for dates and meet people and go on dating apps, but I'm saying if you are in this mindset where you're neglecting any possibility of going on a date with anyone, that's gonna hurt you, that's toxic. And as a single person, you need to get yourself out there, see what you like, see what you don't like in people, and that is how you are kind of continuing your journey of your own self-development. So now I've got my life in way more of a balance. I love being single. It's the best thing ever. But I am now going on a couple dates and I've learned so much from these dates. It was one of my goals for this year to go on more dates and I've met people who I like, who I don't like. I've learned more about what I want in someone and I realized that doing that hasn't taken away from my work ethic. It hasn't detrimented that that at all, and it just reminded me that you can have a balance.

Speaker 1 17:51

So, within that very long-winded story, the point is is that you don't need to shut out dating. You don't need to shut out every single possibility of romance or the thought of the right person being able to come along. If you are trying to work hard, you can have both. If you are with the right person, they should be able to compliment you and help you grow in your career instead of take time away from that and harm it, so you can be in a relationship and work in a good career and they will both work. You don't have to shut someone out because you're trying to work hard at the moment. You can have a balance.

Speaker 1 18:37

Now we're going to talk about learning to love being single in real life. Okay, because we've just spoken about why it's important and how to have that mindset shift that you need in order to make the most of your single time, but now we're going to talk about how we can love it, just really actually mean it, instead of being like, yeah, I love being single, it's great, it's great, and then go and cry yourself to sleep because we don't need that. We don need that, and if you are, I am sorry and I'm here for you. Girl, I'm here for you, but being single can be bloody awesome. Okay, and there are so many benefits of being the single friend. You can do whatever you want whenever you want, and there is really really like a special thing there because you don't have to call anyone up, you don't have to tell anyone about your whereabouts. You don't have to call anyone up. You don't have to tell anyone about your whereabouts, you don't have to worry about another person. You can literally go from a to b and be extremely spontaneous, and it's so fun.

Speaker 1 19:31

Another thing is you have so much more time to pour into your friendships, your hobbies, your goals. I've mentioned this already in the episode, but it's so important that I have to talk about it again because your extra time that you have now is so, so precious, and you can use this time to nourish your friendships. Spend time with those people who are going to make you feel really good and happy and positive about yourself. Spend time figuring out what you love to do with hobbies, with activities. You know this could be your fitness. This could be a specific hobby that you love to do which you can pour way more time into now and get really good at. Also, your goals. You can actually think okay, I'm gonna use this time in my life, this period in my life right now, is for me to be pushing myself to go and get what I want from my life. So, really, the time now to work on your goals. Work on what that goal even may be, which is just so liberating because you have just more time to think.

Speaker 1 20:34

Also, something beautiful about being single is that you can be really selective, and there's nothing wrong with being selective. You don't have to be someone who's going and sleeping around. That's not the essence of being single, and I think being single can get a bad rep for that. But you can be the magnet for validation and constantly be talking to people because you need validation from them and constantly go to someone's house one weekend and another's the next. You can be the person that people see with so much respect for themselves, because you know what you want and you're comfortable in being alone.

Speaker 1 21:17

Now, the fun things of being single guys there are many, and you probably know. The first one I'm going to say is that flirting is completely on the cards, so you can flirt with whoever you want and there are no stakes involved. Honestly, there is such a beauty in that and you don't have to do anything bad. But you don't have to worry. If you want to talk to one boy at this party and then another boy next week, doesn't really matter, because no strings are attached and you don't have to be in a fight with anyone Another one. This is huge. You have your own bed. You don't have to share your bed with anyone and as much as it's really nice to get a cuddle and it's really nice to get a spoon every now and then, I also just love to spread out and starfish and just really I sleep better in my own bed. I sleep better when someone else isn't in my bed and my whoop tells me that Having your own bed, having your own schedule. Having everything that's your own is so nice.

Navigating Friendship Dynamics

Speaker 1 22:12

Also, you can romanticize your own life, and you can do that when you're in a relationship. But it's just slightly different when you're single. You can go on solo dates. You can dance in your own room when no one's watching like an idiot. You can do whatever it is that you want. You can spend a whole day out shopping by yourself, strolling through the park, whatever sounds beautiful to you and of course, you can do that when you're in a relationship, but it just sounds like the inevitable option would be to bring that person along with you. So all this time for yourself and romanticizing your life is such a big perk about being single. Those are some really top reasons why being single is so fun and there's so many more, but I love those ones, okay.

Speaker 1 22:55

So now we're going to talk about the friendship dynamics. As the single one, I know that being the single friend has a bad rep, but you know what I'm done with that, because I love being single. Okay, and the thing is, when it comes to being the single friend is you really have to try and navigate the group dynamics so that you don't finish your event or night out with them feeling a bit isolated. You can't isolate yourself because you don't wanna see your friends who are in couples. You have to understand that you still belong there, even if you are third wheeling. You also should do things that are not always couple-centric. So if you have a lot of friends who are in relationships in your friendship group, they shouldn't have to bring their boyfriend everywhere they go. If you wanna do something in your friendship group, they shouldn't have to bring their boyfriend everywhere they go. If you wanna do something as a friendship group and you don't wanna do something with their partners because you wanna talk about something deep or you want to just hang out as the core group, you should be able to do things that aren't always couple-centric.

Speaker 1 23:59

So if your friends are thinking about bringing their partners along, you can just say can we just do something with the girls this time, because I wanna spend time with you, I wanna spend more time with you, and I think the best way to say this is just to communicate with them. Because if you feel like your friend brings their boyfriend everywhere they go or their partner, how are you supposed to spend time with them one-on-one? And you can say I want more one-on-one time with you. I just don't want a third wheel, you and your boyfriend all the time, and I know that might sound harsh to them, but maybe they'll realize that it's not always the right thing to bring your boyfriend to every single meetup, every single coffee chat. And it's great for them to be integrated and to be liked by the group, but that doesn't mean that they can't do things without their partner and they can't venture away and spend time with you one-on-one because they have a boyfriend now and they have to come everywhere with them.

Speaker 1 24:52

So if you feel like that is sort of the case in your friendship group with a specific person, you can just communicate with them. Let them know how you feel, because they might not know it and they might feel badly and change the dynamic in a good way. Hopefully your friends will be more supportive and will be a little bit more understanding that that doesn't happen. I've experienced it myself. So it does also get annoying because when you want to spend time with your friend by yourself, it's hard to say like, can you not bring so-and-so along, because I just want to do something that's more intimate, more us.

Speaker 1 25:27

You don't have to be anyone's babysitter, you don't have to be the emotionally support single person. You don't have to go to things where you don't feel up for it. You can say I don't feel up for that, and if it's because you don't want to see someone in a relationship, someone someone in a couple, that's fine and you can say that that is pretty much rant over guys. But I want you to know one thing is that you're not behind. If you are single, you are not behind.

This Week's Challenge & Final Thoughts

Speaker 1 25:53

You are not less than you are in the middle of the time, right now, where you are becoming the person that someone would be lucky to love. They would be really damn lucky to have you. And I think we need to remind ourselves to be in that mindset where someone would be damn lucky to love me because I'm great. And that doesn't make you selfish or arrogant to say that. It just makes you know and feel sure of yourself that that is the case. Most importantly is that you are becoming the person that you love. You love the most. You want to love yourself so much and not just make sure that you're the one who is loved by someone else. So you're becoming the person that someone would be damn lucky to love, but also you're becoming the person that you love.

Speaker 1 26:39

So I'm really liking this challenge thing. At the end of each episode I have no clue if you guys are doing it I feel like the teacher that asks a question and hopes for someone to respond and no one puts their hand up. That is literally how I feel right now. But you know what? It's fine, because I know that not everyone wants to send a message, not everyone wants to DM me, me but if you are doing the challenge, I love it and let me know.

Speaker 1 27:05

But this week's challenge I have for you, guys if you are single, I want you to do one thing this week that celebrates your singleness. So you might do something every day that reminds you of why you're single, but I want you to do something that celebrates it. So something that you just don't really get to do when you're in a relationship and that you can do when you're single and make the most of that. So you know, take yourself out for dinner by yourself or dance alone in your room, do something stupid, buy a fancy candle, spend the money that you'd spend on someone else on you. And lastly, I want you to remember, guys, that being single isn't a void to fill. It's a place that you can expand and be the best version of yourself, grow and really work on yourself to become the most comfortable and happy person you can be in yourself, and that's really beautiful and there's something so attractive about that. So just remember that because you are doing great. Being the single friend can be bloody awesome and I love it, and it can be shit sometimes, but it's great okay. So just remember if you are single, enjoy it.

Speaker 1 28:14

And if you aren't single, send this episode to a single friend and say that it's not patronizing, because Emily needs you to listen to this. So I hope you guys enjoyed the episode. If you liked it. If you have any comments about it, just DM me on Instagram at underscore, the 20 survival guide. I am always checking them and I love to hear from you guys, but DM me if you also did the challenge. I love to hear it and I hope this episode was useful or comforting. We're all in it together. Being single can be such a whirlwind and such a ride, but it's just important to remember to love it. Also, guys, don't forget to follow, subscribe and rate the podcast. I hope you guys have a great rest of the week and I shall see you next Wednesday. Bye.