The Power Of Saying No - And Meaning It

That simple two-letter word, 'no', might be the most powerful tool you're not using enough in your twenties. 

But what's the real cost of saying yes to everything?

This episode unpacks how to reframe "no" as an act of self-respect rather than rejection, and provides practical approaches to declining requests confidently: the direct no, the kind no, the boundary-setting no, and the no without over-explanation (because you don't owe anyone a five-paragraph essay justifying your decision!).

The most successful, respected people have mastered the art of saying no, and this episode will get you one step closer to being 'that' person. 

Enjoy!

Chapters

• 0:00 Introduction to the Power of No
• 2:18 Why Saying No Is So Hard
• 4:46 The Cost of Always Saying Yes
• 8:46 Reframing No As Self-Respect
• 10:26 Practical Ways to Say No
• 15:34 Weekly Challenge: One Intentional No

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:17

Hey guys, welcome back to another episode of the 20 Survival Guide. This is your host, emily Astley. Today's episode. We are gonna talk about a specific word in the English language, and that is no. It's one of the simplest but hardest words to say. At the same time, how many times at work, in social situations, have you said yes, when every part of you, every fiber of your being, wanted to say no? I'm guessing it's a lot, because it is a lot of times. For me it's really hard because you don't want to disappoint people, you don't want to let people down and you don't want to upset people. But also, no isn't always a bad thing and there's so many negative connotations around. No, it gives the impression that you don't want to do something, that you're lazy. It could mean anything, depending on the situation, but it's also something that we really struggle with in our 20s to get around to say because we feel like we have to prove ourselves and we're all learning at the same time, whereas I think people who are much older and more experienced know when they don't need to impress people. So that's what we're trying to get to. We're trying to get to that level of comfort with the word no and know that we're doing it for our own boundaries and we're going to be okay. So in today's episode, we are going to talk about why saying no is so hard. We're going to talk about what it costs us when we don't say no. We're going to talk about how we can say no with confidence and no guilt, and we're going to talk about how we can say no with confidence and no guilt, and we're going to talk about some real life examples I have where I didn't say no and it costed me. So, without further ado, let's get into the episode.

Speaker 1: 2:01

Why we struggle with the word no'm gonna tell you why. I've done a lot of research on this topic because I think it is quite interesting why we, specifically as young people, struggle with the word, and the reasons why are fear of being disliked. That's a huge one that comes in social situations. We don't want to say no to things because we don't agree with a specific person's point of view. What if they are shocked and then they automatically don't like you? Obviously, that is not something that should happen. Everyone's allowed their own view, but that's just a clear example. Another reason why is people pleasing? This is probably the biggest one, and this is specifically amongst women who struggle with saying no due to people pleasing. You might say yes to a plan with someone in a group and you're just thinking, oh, I really don't want to go. I wish I didn't say yes, I really just wanted a chill night by myself. But that is due to people pleasing and I think the amount of times that's happened to me where I could have just said no.

Speaker 1: 3:02

Another one is guilt around disappointing others, and that's similar to the ones before. If someone's asked you to help them out with something but you just don't have it in you or you don't have the time. You don't want to disappoint them, you'll feel guilty that you can't help them. But at the same time there comes a point where you should be focusing on yourself and if that is more important in this specific scenario, then it's okay for you to be able to say no without feeling guilt. Another reason is that we're kind of conditioned to be agreeable or easygoing. If you say no to things, it makes it sound like you're difficult or you're not an easygoing person and you're not cool. You're not up for anything and people may judge you or you might fear that they will judge you for that and saying no is really hard when it comes to that. The last reason is FOMO, so fear of missing out versus fear of confrontation. So if we say no, someone might ask us why, like why don't you want to come out? What are you? That means confrontation. You have to kind of explain yourself, or you feel like you have to explain yourself as to why you said no. And this also comes back to the night out. You probably want to stay in, you probably want to have a night to yourself. It's been a long week, but you're saying yes because what if it's a great night? What if all your friends go and then they talk about it for the next month and you have no idea what they're talking about. So that is a huge reason and something I face a lot.

Speaker 1: 4:29

But here's the thing what does saying yes cost us? When we don't say no, it can actually have consequences, and I'm not talking about like dire consequences, but these are actually pretty big consequences on your mental health and there are emotional costs to saying yes and always saying yes, and that is burnout. You're going to feel burnt out if you say yes to every plan. You're going to feel resentment for your friends because you never wanted to go in the first place, but you're saying yes because you wanted to be agreeable and you'll resent them. It also causes emotional fatigue. So you're just tired. Who wants to be around on a night out when you've got no energy, no social battery and you know you're not really having fun anyways, you're sitting there and you just wish that you said no. Burnout is also a huge one because you need to recharge yourself and you will have friends who will be telling you and asking you to come out to different places and sometimes it's just not convenient for you and that's always gonna be the case. So learning to say no will really help you prevent burnout.

Speaker 1: 5:32

The practical costs of saying yes all the time wasted time and energy on a night out you never wanted to go on, or helping your friend where you absolutely needed to spend that time on your own work. Delayed goals again if you had a goal to run in the morning and your friend said let's go out and you went on the night out and you woke up in the morning exhausted and hungover, you're delaying your goal. Saying yes to something like a specific plan or a night out that you never really wanted to go to is saying no to something else. You're saying no to your rest. You're saying no to your priorities, your growth, everything else that you plan to do, which should come first. And here's the thing.

Speaker 1: 6:12

The word no has so many negative connotations and it just feels quite harsh, to be honest. But we kind of need to dissect what the word no actually means, because it is not a bad thing to use and it's also good to have a reminder about why we should say no. You're not a mean person. We need to reframe no as something that can be interpreted as self-respect, not rejection. Don't fear missing out. You're respecting your own boundaries. No can mean clarity, not confrontation. So here's an example for the girls because if a guy, if a guy likes you and they are kind of pushy and they are asking you out and you don't want to go with them, the best thing is not to lead them on but to just make it really clear and say no. And the hardest thing about that is because you're afraid of what they're gonna say. You're afraid you're gonna let them down. You're afraid of their response. So saying no just gives that person clarity and it doesn't always mean confrontation.

Speaker 1: 7:12

No can be seen as protection over pettiness. Okay, so you're protecting your own boundaries. Like we said, it is not pettiness. You're allowed to do whatever the hell you want. It is not pettiness. You're allowed to do whatever the hell you want. You're allowed to go to wherever you want and you're allowed to say no to whichever plan you want. No one is holding you anywhere. This is the same as like the let them theory. Again, it is just so relatable. If you say no to a plan and someone gets annoyed at you, let them, because you're respecting yourself and you're putting yourself first and in that sense, putting yourself first, as we, as we've said, can mean growth. It can mean protecting yourself from burnout. So just remember that saying no is okay.

Speaker 1: 7:49

And let me just say this. You might be someone who's sitting here thinking emily, I don't have a problem with the word no. I say it all the time and I'm so good at it, but there's always times in our lives where we find it easier to say no than others. And we find it easier to say no than others, and we find it easier to say no to specific people than others, and even your closest friends, like even your best best friends, you can still say no to them. It doesn't make you a bad friend to them. It does not make you a bad person. It doesn't make your friendship any less special.

Speaker 1: 8:29

How you can say no and mean it without feeling like a monster because I feel like a monster so many times when I say no, and the hardest part for me with this topic is that I really struggle to say no without having to justify myself. So I will say no to a specific plan, but then I will justify it like I'll give a reason as to why I'm saying no, like oh, I have to do this for my sister, I have to do this today, my family needs me, have to do this today, my family needs me for dinner, all these kinds of things. But really it's okay to just say no and you don't really need like a justification. You don't owe anyone like an explanation as to why you're saying no to a plan, and I think the reason why I do that is because I'm unintentionally fearing for them to be like oh okay, so you just don't want to hang out with me or them. Take it personally. So let's go into the ways that you can feel like less of a monster when you say no.

Speaker 1: 9:22

Number one is the direct no. Here's an example if someone asks for you to come on a night out, you can say thanks for thinking of me, but I'm gonna pass. You can say thanks for thinking of me but I'm going to pass. And you can see that that example didn't explain why you're passing on the night out, because you just don't need to. That is the direct no. So that's like really hitting it hard, but you're making it pretty clear at the same time and honestly trust me on this but people will respect you that you respect your own boundaries. They're not going to see that as an insult.

Speaker 1: 9:53

Number two is the kind no. The same question someone's asking you on a night out, you can say I really appreciate the offer, but I just can't commit right now. And this no also gives a little bit of leeway, right, because you're saying I can't commit right now. Maybe you can commit later. You're just not sure. But that's better than saying yes and then saying no afterwards because you realize that you couldn't commit in the first place. So that's a much kinder no.

Speaker 1: 10:19

Number three the boundary setting no. So this is a boundary setting no, which means it is a type of no that you say not necessarily to a night out. This is a little bit more serious. This could be in a relationship sense or this could be in a friendship sense. You're responding to someone in that way let's say it's a breakup, okay, and this person is acting in a certain way that makes you unhappy. It's just not working out. The boundary setting no answer is you saying this just doesn't work for me, but I hope you find what you need. So you are setting a boundary with yourself and you're saying this is what I expect, this is what doesn't work for me, it's just not what I need. So you're making your boundaries so clear and you're also, in that way, telling yourself this is what I expect and I'm not settling for any less.

Speaker 1: 11:07

Number four is the no without over explaining. This is just what I said, that I do all the time. So you can say no without even having to explain at all, because in those examples we kind of explained a little this one you literally just say no and you don't owe anyone a five paragraph essay as to why you're not going to commit to the plan. One sentence is more than enough. If you catch yourself next time saying no to someone and justifying why you're saying no. Stop yourself and think about it and remember that you don't need to justify, you don't need to write a five paragraph essay. You just need to say no and you don't owe anyone anything. I have some tips, because we all know that I love a good tip, and I have some tips when you're saying no that you should listen to and think about which will really help you.

Speaker 1: 11:55

One of the main things when it comes to saying no to whatever it may be in your life, the best thing to do is to say it sooner rather than later, because you might be the same person as me, the kind of person who holds off on it because they just want to avoid it. They avoid the confrontation, they avoid the conflict because they're kind of anxious to say no. And then eventually they say no, but they say it's so late that it irritates someone else. Just nip it in the bud. Number two silence is powerful. Just let the no breathe like. Just say no and leave it. You don't need to write a five paragraph essay. Number three you don't need to fill the space with apologies and I do this and I know it's so common and it's not our fault. Like you can't blame yourself, I'll reply with saying sorry, no, I can't do this, but there's no need to say sorry.

Speaker 1: 12:44

Number five I think you should practice saying no in low stakes situations. So this might sound a little cringe or a little bit embarrassing, but trust me on this. So let's say you go to the shop and you buy whatever you buy and they ask if you need a receipt. Sometimes you might not want to say no, so you just say yes, but situations as small as that, practice on those situations when it comes to saying no, no, I don't want a paper receipt. I'm good To build confidence, right? This could could even be like you know how they always ask for your email, and it is the most jarring thing ever nowadays because shops will ask for your email and send you the receipt online, which all sounds well and good save the environment, of course, whatever but now they have your email and they're going to send you six billion emails a day about their promotions, their products, and it's just going to absolutely spam up your folder.

Speaker 1: 13:35

I sometimes find it really hard to say no. I actually just don't want to give you my email because I know what you're going to do. Simple things and small things like that is a great way to practice saying no and build up your confidence to the bigger things, with the friendships and the relationships. Okay, so now I have a few examples. If're thinking, what do I need to say no to in life? Because I don't really know what needs to be said no to and these are situations in your 20s that you will face.

Speaker 1: 14:02

There's saying no to overworked or underpaid opportunities this could be in your career no to toxic friendships or flaky dating All of the kind of people who are going to ghost you and then come back in your life and just try and play with your emotions or friendships that are really toxic to you and you're struggling to let go of. You can say no to family guilt trips so trips that your family's asking you to come on or begging you to come on that you really don't want to go on but you feel like you have to at this point. Guys, I don't know your family dynamic, but we are adults so you know. If you're working especially and you need that time off, it's okay to just say I don't want to go, like I'm not around and that's fine, like that's something that should be respected. Now.

Speaker 1: 14:48

This is probably the most common one that will come up on the day today, and that is saying no to social events, when your soul, when your body, when your energy just needs rest, when you just need to recharge. Because it's so easy to just say yes to everything and it's like, oh, my calendar's super full, I'm super busy all the time, yay, but then it's actually going to catch up with you and if you are debating whether to go to something that you feel exhausted to at the moment, just say no. There's nothing wrong with saying no. You're probably going to thank yourself. So, guys, that is all we have for this week.

Speaker 1: 15:20

I know it's a short episode, but I just thought it was an important topic and there isn't so much that needs to be said on this. I think I've said everything I need to say. It's a good reminder that if you are struggling to say no to something, just say it. It's going to bring resilience into your life, and I personally look up at people who are, you know, a lot older, who are more experienced, who are successful business people or entrepreneurs, and they've had to really get used to saying the word no, because when you're building your business, so many people are going to want to hang out with you, so many people are going to have social plans that they want to invite you to, but you really don't even have much time for yourself, let alone for your business. You're constantly spending every living, waking, breathing moment on making sure that your business is doing well. So those people have to get so comfortable with saying no to others, and I think you can really see in someone when they're older that they are comfortable in themselves and they are not afraid of how people will react when they say no. And that is kind of where we're trying to get to, because it's going to help us in our future, guys, I promise.

Speaker 1: 16:31

But I have a challenge for you this week. Before you go, before we go and absolutely smash the rest of our day, I want to challenge you to do this one thing. I want you to say one intentional no this week. So something small. It could just be something small. Just start once. Then check in with yourself like notice when you say this no, you might say it without even realizing. Check in with yourself like notice when you say this no, you might say it without even realizing. Check in with yourself. Did anything explode? Did anything change? Does your friend now hate you or do you just feel a little bit more free, a little lighter, because you've just bought time for yourself, because you've actually said what you actually felt and you're not just people pleasing? The thing is, is that no is a complete sentence? You don't need to justify yourself and sometimes it's the best thing you can say to yourself. So let me know how you feel after you say no this week.

Speaker 1: 17:24

Say no to something and dm me, send me a note and send me a message in the show notes or dm me on instagram. What did you say no to and did it make you feel better? Did your world blow up in front of you? Does your friend now hate you? Because I guarantee that won't be the case, but it's just a good challenge and it's a good reminder. Don't say no to something you need to say yes to. But in general, there will be so many times every single week that you need to say no, and getting comfortable with it is really important for us to grow in our 20s Also, guys side note, this is slightly off track, but I really have to talk about this because I have been thinking I'm loving the pod.

Speaker 1: 18:04

I know you guys are and I'm so grateful Every time you listen. It just literally brings me so much joy and I see it so honestly. It makes me so happy, it makes my day. But I don't think we have a community name, right, I just say, hey guys, like we need a community name for the 20th Survival Guide. I need something I can open the episode and call my community, something. I just want a name, but I'm being brainstorming for one and I just haven't thought of one yet that I really like, that really sticks. That sounds, sounds original. If you have any ideas of what I can call my community name even if you think they're shit or you think they're funny please dm me on instagram at underscore the 20 survival guide. Please, please, please, because I would love to hear your suggestions, because we need to find one quick. We need to find one asap because I'm not liking that I don't have a name yet.

Speaker 1: 18:56

I hope you guys enjoyed this episode. Don't forget to follow, subscribe to the podcast, rate it and share it to people who you know are either people pleasers or they just struggle with saying no and might need a little bit of a boost. And, of course, don't forget to dm me. Your no wins this week. So every time you said no, send me a dm on instagram. I'm here for every single time you dm me. I love it so much. So I hope you guys have a great rest of your wednesday and I shall see you next week. Bye you.