How Worrying Less Can Help You Achieve More

Worry can silently destroy your twenties. As a self-proclaimed chronic worrier, I've spent countless hours fretting over everything from lunch choices to life-changing decisions, only to realize how much precious time this habit steals from us.

This episode dives deep into why we worry so excessively in our twenties. From decision making to fear of wasted potential, to comparison culture through social media, it can be difficult to be present all the time.

But the good news is that I have three practical strategies that have helped me compartmentalise my worries, and I am sharing them with you! 

If you want to have a clear idea of what needs to be worried about and what doesn't in your life, this episode is for you. 

Enjoy!

Chapters

• 0:00 Introducing The Worrier's Dilemma
• 4:14 Three Reasons Why We Worry
• 9:18 Why Worrying Destroys Your 20s
• 16:57 Three Tips To Manage Worry
• 21:17 Final Thoughts On Moving Forward

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:17

Hey guys, welcome back to another episode of the 20 survival guide. This is your host, emily Astley. We're back for another solo episode, because don't you just love listening to just my voice the entire time? I really love the solo episodes. It just allows me to have this venting outlet where I can really yap about whatever I want, and you guys kind of get it.

Speaker 1: 0:38

So today's topic is worrying because I am a worrier at heart and I'm someone who worries like incredible amounts. And my friends actually told me the other day they're like why do you worry about the most ridiculous things? You would probably get so much more done with your day if you didn't like schedule everything down to the last minute and worry about every single little thing. And I don't know why, but I'm just a born worrier. Maybe it's the way that I've been brought up, maybe I literally don't know, but I think that there's a big part of the fact that I don't feel like this alone. We know that it's so easy for people to just say, oh, just don't worry, don't sweat the small stuff, like it's so fine. I saw this recent post from Stephen Bartlett and I'm sure you guys know him. He is the host and founder of Diary of a CEO and he made this LinkedIn post the other day and it was basically saying how you just should sweat the small stuff, because saying to people, oh, don't sweat the small stuff, is really bad, because the details matter, the little things matter and they should be worried about, you know.

Speaker 1: 1:46

But there's also a part which I can't help but feel that I am crushing my mental health by constantly worrying about every little detail. It's like I don't think I'd ever leave the house if I worried about how my makeup looked and how my outfit looked and how people would perceive me when I spoke and all the worries that could come from that. And you know if I'd get the job if my CV was good enough. There's literally everything in the world that you could worry about and you could probably sit at home and do nothing and conjure up extreme worries. That's just the kind of person I am, but I think that worrying needs to be grabbed by the reins and told to sit down and shut up sometimes, because I think worrying can actually ruin your 20s if you worry about things that shouldn't be worried about. So I'm not going to sit here this episode and tell you that I am going to cure all of the worries that you have and I'm going to give you the exact solution. You need to just stop worrying altogether, because that's not possible and I can't do that and I can't promise that to you guys. But I can tell you from someone who worries way too much and who's kind of learnt how to compartmentalise, and who's kind of learned how to compartmentalize we're gonna talk about how we can actually figure out what we need to worry about and what stuff that we worry about unnecessarily that we just can try and get rid of. Because it's kind of like a drawer. Okay, we wanna open the drawer and throw out the junk worries and keep the worries that we can't really avoid.

Speaker 1: 3:19

I think the main part of worrying comes from caring, and worrying is mistaken for caring that you know we can't really avoid. I think the main part of worrying comes from caring, and worrying is mistaken for caring. And if you care, it's because you want to do something to the best of its ability, and that's a really commendable trait. But when everything's so uncertain, we don't really know what the hell's going on like. Your life could, could be so, so chaotic, full of change. How is one not supposed to worry, and if you are not a worrier, that's amazing, but I think that there's at least something that you will worry about, that you can't control.

Speaker 1: 3:53

So, without further ado, let's get into the episode. I really wanted to start to talk about why we worry and I really have done my research here, because I do this way too much not to know what's going on and I think there are three main reasons, and I think these three reasons can apply to pretty much everyone, but we're going to dive into them. So one of the first reasons why we worry is genuinely the fact that our prefrontal cortex is not developed yet. So this comes down to like decision making. And if you're the kind of person who struggles to make a decision on what to eat for lunch and that they're asking for your order and you're like, ah, I can't decide. I don't know if I get the chicken or the salmon or the steak or whatever, that's even an example as to worrying if you're going to get the right thing. And then also, how can we go about life if we can't make a simple decision about what we want for lunch from the salad bar, like I honestly run into this decision all the time.

Speaker 1: 5:10

Literally yesterday I went to go get lunch after my exercise class and the salmon looked really good, but so did the steak and so did the chicken, and the guy was like there's a huge queue behind you, girl. Like can you choose? And I was like, which chicken's really good, though? Like, which chicken do you recommend? And he's like, um, just choose. And I was like, okay. So obviously I went with the harissa chicken because it sounded amazing and I made the right choice.

Speaker 1: 5:35

But the point is is that I stressed about that decision for so long. In my head I was like, oh my god, what if I make the wrong decision and then I'm wasting my energy on this harissa chicken, which actually tasted great. So you know what we need to compartmentalise and realise. Okay, maybe that doesn't need to be stressed about, but our decision making process isn't really formed yet, and I know that sounds crazy because we are technically adults, but that's also a big reason why we worry. So that's reason number one.

Speaker 1: 6:11

Now, reason number two is the fear of wasted potential. I have this thought on a day-to-day basis that I can do so much with my days and I have bursts of motivation and they just pop up and then I I really cram a lot of ambition into my day and tasks that I just can't fulfill, because you're just one person. But I feel like if I'm not pushing myself enough, I'm wasting the potential that I have as a young person to do as much as possible. In our 20s there is this fear that you have so much potential but you're not utilizing it. And what will happen when you're 30 and responsibilities kick in and worries kick in and moving house and having a partner and having kids. Honestly, the fear of wasted potential is really just worrying about something that can only be fixed if you actually act, you know.

Speaker 1: 7:05

But I think that the reason why there is this feeling for us is because, to me at least, I think that this decade of our lives is kind of like a make or break decade. Like you have this decade to prove yourself that you're worthy of whatever you're going for and if you don't make your success now, like you just make or break and then you're kind of irrelevant. You know that's literally not the case, but I think your 20s is kind of like okay, you're supposed to, you know, push yourself. You're supposed to stay at work late. You're supposed to work really hard, you're supposed to make this, make this decade your decade, and I think then that just comes with like fear of what if it doesn't work out, what if? What if you know? What if I fail, and that causes extreme worry to anyone and I don't blame you, because that's the fear of unknown and that's a huge, huge, huge reason why we worry in our 20s.

Speaker 1: 8:06

And the third one, and probably the biggest one, that we face on a day-to-day basis is comparison culture. So the fact that we can so easily go on our phones and scroll through about 100 people worth of content in 20 minutes and look at ourselves and compare ourselves to them and be like whoa, how many things are you able to pick yourself apart after you've looked at 100 different people online probably thousands. But you're just going to worry that you're not doing enough and I think social media makes you feel like you're never doing enough, and we know that, but it doesn't help as we're always going to use it. No one's going to get off social media. I don't see that happening anytime soon. So comparison culture has created and invigorated this worry that we feel constantly if we're ever doing enough, and it's just not healthy. It's actually so mentally draining.

Speaker 1: 9:03

But I have this theory. I have this theory, guys, and I needed to talk to you about it because, as a worrier, this is where it comes in, where I feel like worrying can destroy your 20s, and that's because there is a trade-off point where you can worry so much that it paralyzes you from doing anything like absolutely anything. So that's why I feel, if you put a worrier next to someone who isn't that stressed or isn't that much of a worrier themselves, sometimes the person who worries less actually gets further. And and I know that the person who's worrying you might think, okay, they tend to care more because they worry, they really care about everything they're doing more because they worry, they really care about everything they're doing. But because they stress so much, they paralyze themselves from actually doing what they go and set out to do, and the person who just does it without the worrying, because they didn't really think that much into it, comes out on top and it's the most frustrating thing for those who worry.

Speaker 1: 10:01

So what I'm trying to say here is that it can paralyze you from just doing day-to-day things. So that's why we need to really make sure that we aren't worrying about stuff that just is taking up our whole mental health capacity. For example, what I'm going to order on my salad, that's something I don't need to worry about. But I've felt this paralyzing feeling from worrying before and I just think it's so. It's so scary because it's just really uncomfortable and I know that I care, but I can't quite act on it and it crumbles me and I think we just need to figure out why we do this.

Speaker 1: 10:45

Why is worrying so destroying, sometimes for our 20s? Well, let's get into it. I've done my research, obviously, so there's a couple reasons that I think I particularly struggle with when it comes to worrying. Why worrying in my early 20s at least I know I'm only 22, but has already just taken up so much time that I wish I could get back and worrying just steals your time, like it steals your time to think and do other things. It steals your time to think about important things, like worrying if you look good enough or you look skinny enough, for example, is such an unnecessary thing. But it's okay because you know you faced this worry, maybe from comparison culture, and naturally you're going to feel this way. So don't beat yourself up about it. The only issue is that you're probably preventing yourself from enjoying like a really nice meal with your friends. Like a really nice meal with your friends. And if I could go back in time and tell myself stop worrying about what you look like, because no one else cares, and just enjoy that moment that you can make with your friends and have a great core memory, I would do that.

Speaker 1: 11:59

So worrying ruins our 20s because it steals our time that we could be doing much more useful things and making ourselves much happier. Another reason why is this is something I think we're all beginning to realize and face, and that is that worrying blocks opportunities. Some people are riskier than others, but if you're worrying that you're going to fail, you're not likely to take risks and then you're not likely to have much growth, because this is that time where you're okay and you're allowed to and no one's going to judge you for taking risks. You take the risk and then you have the potential rewards. But if you don't even have the ability to take the potential risk because of the worry, because of the worry that you're going to fail, then of course it's going to ruin your 20s. Because what if you could do something amazing that you've been thinking about but you just can't bring yourself to do it because you're worried about what other people are going to think or you're worried about a multi-billion different amount of things, and that's why we need to figure out if that worry is actually worth it or if we can just chuck it out the drawer.

Speaker 1: 13:18

Naturally, worrying just leads to poor sleep, burnout and all of this kind of stuff which really will affect your day-to-day, and I wish I could go back and tell myself just stop worrying. But you know what? That's just not practical like. That's why I'm not gonna. I'm not gonna take away from the fact that we are all gonna worry and we're worrying because we care. So firstly, remember that. But also remember that beauty sleep is important and your burnout levels is not something that you really want to get to and you just don't want to increase anxiety. So that's why worrying is quite harmful for us.

Speaker 1: 13:58

Also, another thing is worrying. You tend to know that worrying is a common trait for an overthinker. So if you're an overthinker, this also links back to the fact that you care a lot about things. You only overthink because you care, and I don't really know if anyone else disagrees with me, but that is my belief. But the point is that when you worry so much, you're not present. You're not present in the moment. You're not present enjoying, enjoying things with your friends.

Speaker 1: 14:30

Last weekend is such a good example. I was hanging out with my best friend and my mum and we were just chatting away having dinner and I was on my phone for a little bit. I had to check something which I thought was important. A message from thought was important, a message from someone, like a message from a friend, and they were talking and I just wasn't really listening. And now I look back and I'm like, oh, that maybe looked really bad, like I wasn't interested in what they were saying and that message could have waited, but I was worried that this person would think that I wasn't replying to them or that, you know, they couldn't reach me when they needed me. And all of this worrying just meant that I wasn't present in the moment, and that's kind of sad because you can't really get those moments back. So you know what? Screw the worrying. Sometimes it's just not necessary, and that is a prime example as to why it's not necessary.

Speaker 1: 15:25

Now I have some tips. Worrying is pretty much what I talk about on my Instagram page all the time and I don't know if you guys are sick of it or if you actually can relate and feel the same, but look, I'm gonna hold your hand and tell you that whatever going your way, whatever shit you're going through right now, you're going to be okay and the worrying will surpass and everything will work out. But I have gathered three main tips and ways that we can help ourselves stop worrying more in the future, because I don't want to look back in my 30s and be like, wow, I spent my entire 20s just worrying about really little things that just didn't really matter, like who texts me, when and where are they and why aren't they texting me back and what are they doing. And, uh, what if this job interview goes badly? And what if this outfit gets judged by people on social media. You know, that's just kind of stuff where I will not remember in my mid-30s.

Speaker 1: 16:33

I have some tips to help you figure out what's worth worrying about and what's not, and the first one is the five times five rule. Essentially, what you need to think about when you're worrying is that is this worry going to be, is this problem, is this thing that's making me anxious going to be relevant in five days, five months or five years. You are taking your worry that you're worrying about right now and thinking will this matter in five days? Will it matter in five months? Will it matter in five months, will it matter in five years? And if it won't, then it's not worth worrying about, then it's not worth more than five minutes of your time. You're allowed five minutes. You are allowed five minutes to worry about that problem, to stress, to your heart's content, and then, after those five minutes are up, when you realize, okay, this isn't going to be relevant in five days or five months or five years, we're going to chuck it out of the drawer, we're going to move on, we're going to go bigger and better and we're going to just say, what the hell, it's okay Because it's literally not going to be relevant in the future. So I know it's easier said than done and I know that you might have heard this one before. But if your friend was telling you this and whilst you're worrying about this thing and your friend was like, is this gonna matter in five days, you'd be like, well, no, it's not, and I should probably listen to you because you're right. So talk to yourself in the same way that you'd give advice to your friends now.

Speaker 1: 18:01

The second one is problems versus possibilities. So when I say this, I mean you want to separate the problems from the possibilities, and this is kind of in the worrying category. Problems are stuff that can be worried about. Possibilities is stuff that you're conjuring up, that is an event that might be happening in the future, that you're worried about, which is completely out of control right now. So, for example, a problem is a real problem that needs solving. So my rent's due? Okay, cool, that's maybe something to worry about if you can't pay it.

Speaker 1: 18:35

A possibility is very much a what if scenario. What if they don't like me? What if I fail at my job interview? These are things you can't really control. You can't control. If they like you, you just be yourself. And if they don't like you, then it's really, really sad for them, because you're probably a great person that they would love to have around and they're missing out.

Speaker 1: 18:58

What if I fail my job interview? Okay, amazing, like you fail, you have practice, you can go and pick yourself back up and you're even more hungry to succeed in the next one. But either way, it's out of your control and there's nothing you can do about it right now. So take a deep breath, put some good tunes on and relax genuinely. We don't need the wrinkles, guys. I don't really want wrinkle lines this early on, okay, so let's try and focus on what's important to worry about. Essentially, what I'm trying to say is only the real problems that actually need solving deserve your time and energy. All the what-ifs, all the scenarios that you create in your head as an overthinker because you care, don't deserve your energy and they can be thrown out of the box.

Speaker 1: 19:45

Now my third tip and this is kind of my favorite one, because I always think about this before I make any huge life decisions or do anything really risky, and this is very simple and it's just considering the worst case scenario. So the worst case scenario of the situation that you're worrying about, let's say that you are going to this interview, right, you're going to this interview, right, you're going to this job interview and you have to ask yourself what's the worst thing that could happen. What is the worst thing that could happen and can I survive it? The worst thing that could happen is probably that you know you don't get it. That's probably the worst thing in terms of this situation. And could you survive it. Yes, yes, you can survive it. You'll still be there the next day, you'll still wake up in your bed the next morning and you'll still go downstairs, have breakfast, do whatever you're gonna do and live about your normal day.

Speaker 1: 20:38

Worrying is so natural and it's so normal and we all do it. But if you use these tips and you think about what's relevant and what's not relevant, you're gonna be to be okay. And I've got you and, if you like this episode, we can talk about worrying more and I can sit here and be your big sister and we can talk about it for ages. But for now, stop worrying, go outside, enjoy it. Remember you're here to live. You can add life to your days and you can't add days to your life. So forget about the boy that you're worrying about or the job that's stressing you out or whatever you've got, and just remember that you are going to be okay and it's going to work out. I hope you guys have a great rest of your week and I shall see you guys next wednesday. Bye, thank you.