The 20's Survival Guide

Why Female Friendships Matter More Than You Think (Ft Amy Launder)

• Emily Astley • Season 2 • Episode 69

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This week, we invited creator Amy Launder to come on and spill the tea that we need to hear. From run club culture and how to go alone, to being extremely vulnerable on social media and starting out on Instagram, all the way to her recent break-up from her long-term relationship which she has started vlogging about on social media. 

Throughout all of this, we discuss the importance of investing in your female friendships in your 20's and why you shouldn't make your purpose to be someone's partner. 

We talk about having different friends for different needs (joy, depth, or both), protecting your circle during romance, and reading inner “lack of peace” as a signal, not a defect.

Whether you are going through a break-up or not, this episode is for you. 

Enjoy!

@amylaunderliving

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SPEAKER_01:

Hey guys, welcome back to another episode of the 20 Survival Guide. This is your host, Emily Astley, and today I'm actually here with Amy Launder. And if you guys haven't heard of Amy, she is an absolute babe. I met her on the podcast actually through social media. You also have content that's like 22 20s diaries. Yeah. And now you're in my actual house and we're sitting here recording. Well, I feel like I've known you for a little while.

SPEAKER_00:

I know, it's so weird we've actually hung out like what twice before.

SPEAKER_01:

It was the nicest thing because I think you could just really feel I just know this person is very much someone I jell with. I loved her content. You guys will love her content if you haven't seen it, and that's why I had to have her on the podcast because we have so much to talk about. So much. Including everything from like run clubs, vulnerability, how you feel about posting on social media, and also breakups and how female friendships are a really big part to play in that. And that's something we're really gonna go into because I think we just want to remind everyone how important your friends are in any stage of your life, but especially in your 20s. So without further ado, let's get into the episode.

SPEAKER_00:

Let's go.

SPEAKER_01:

It was maybe the beginning of this year where there was a huge running hype or spike on my feed, and I'm quite a big fitness person, and I think you are as well. And I had always been like a gym girl. Now I started running, love it, but I've never gone to a run club, and a load, a load of my friends who have moved to London have started to make friends or try and meet people through run clubs. I guess it depends like what kind of person you are, but I know you've been to a run club and I wanted to hear your thoughts about it and also like who how you got roped into doing that.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah, so I've been to quite a few run clubs. I went through a stage of where I was basically going to one every weekend. And I think, well, firstly, I played netball at uni for the uni, so I was training five times a week and then matches on a Wednesday, and I met some of my best friends through that, and also it was such a good outlet for so long. I mean, I quit in my third year because it just got too much, but for the first two years it was perfect, and I think finishing uni, moving back home, not having that, and also not having friends around me all the time. I was like, how am I gonna number one stay active? Number two be active but in a sociable environment, and number three, make new friends. Because I think when you're at uni, you're meeting people all the time because you're going out, and it's like you've never met everyone at your uni, so you're always gonna kind of meet someone new. Um, whereas when you're at home, and also I have a full-time job, so I'm literally going to work, coming home, going to work, coming home. I'm like, I'm not meeting new people. That's where run clubs came in because number one, it's active, which is what I enjoy, and number two, it's meeting new people, and also I think it's kind of a head start on friendships because you kind of know that you're gonna have something in common because you're both there, you're both putting yourself out there.

SPEAKER_01:

Maybe some of the listeners have been to a run club. Now that I've gotten into running, I love it, but I don't know if there's something stopping me from actually going and this the fear of like going to a club with people and do I need to be good enough? Do I need to have been running from a certain amount of time in order to be here? What's the vibe? Do people just turn up?

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah, I think it really depends on the run club, to be honest. I've been to quite a mix, and I would say to start off, I only went to all girls once.

SPEAKER_01:

There's all girls running.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah, yeah. I actually I went to my first mixed run club only recently. I'd only been to All Girls ones because I was like, I don't want that vibe of kind of competition. No, totally. Um, and I think there being men there brings that out of people. Um and also quite a few run clubs kind of preach about being really inclusive and having different paces and being able to stop on your way around or whatever. Yeah. Um, so I think have a look at what the run club's kind of ethos is before you go. But yeah, I'd say honestly, once I'd done it once, it kind of proved to myself that oh my god, this is so fine, and I actually almost get more out of going by myself because then you have to speak to people.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah, my next thing I was gonna ask you was did you go by yourself or with friends? Because then I would be thinking in my process of booking a run club or going, I do I bring a friend? What if I don't have a friend? How did you just turn up and go by yourself?

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah, so I have been by myself and I've also been to some with a friend, but the first one I went to, I went to by myself. And honestly, I think it depends what kind of person you are. Obviously, it's gonna be harder for some people than it is for others. But I was just kind of thinking, you know, there are gonna be other people that are wanting to get the exact same thing out of this as me. Yeah, and I think you've kind of got to fake it till you make it, like, even if you're feeling nervous, that's so true. Like you've just gotta kind of play the part of it, and it will get easier. It's one of those things that you just have to push yourself outside of your comfort zone.

SPEAKER_01:

The more you're talking about this, the more I actually feel like I could do it. She's gonna be converted. Seriously, because I think it's so different to like a networking event or something at work because you actually are taking time out of your free time to go to this place. Yeah, and if you're going by yourself, which run clubs aren't, you know, five people normally, like they're bigger than that. Yeah, there's definitely gonna be someone else who's also gone by themselves. So your intention isn't to just run and be in silence because you can do that yourself. Yeah. So people just I'm sure will naturally be talking to you.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah, and I now have a couple of girl mates that I still see like one-on-one all quite often that I've met from a run club.

SPEAKER_01:

Really?

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah, they're both from different run clubs, and also it's so nice because I feel as though I wouldn't have crossed paths with them in life unless it was in that situation. I love it. So, for example, one of them is 18, she's a fresher at UCL, I'm 22, I've got I've finished uni, I've got a full-time job, and it's like we never would have been friends because we're at completely different stages of life, and like her home is near Bristol, I'm from South London. Like, when would we have crossed parts? But we both went to this run club by ourselves, and we just got on so well. And I think because you don't know their background, you're just both there to like go for a run and have a chat, and now we're great friends, and I've like been to her Unia Common stuff. Really? Yeah, it's so cute. You're just like my little my little fresher, yeah. You're basically her mentor, like I'm like my little sis, but it's so nice.

SPEAKER_01:

What's the wildest thing you've heard?

SPEAKER_00:

Or overheard, not necessarily overheard, but I've been taken aback in one situation where basically I'd met this girl for the first time, she was there by herself, I was there by myself, and we were chatting, and maybe the third question she asked me, I think it was like, What's your name? Where do you live? And then the f the third question was, Are you single? And I I'd for context just gone through a breakup like after a very long-term relationship, and I was like, Whoa, let's not get into this, like I've just met you. But yeah, her like one of her first questions was, So are you single? And I was a bit like uh yeah, and I kind of was like, Why?

SPEAKER_01:

As if that's like an a question that's in the same realm of like, where do you live?

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah, yeah. What's your name? Where do you live? Are you single?

SPEAKER_01:

It's like okay, does that matter to me?

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah, and I was kind of like, Yeah, why? Basically, she used run clubs as her way of dating, and I think if I was going to overhear anything funny or crazy, I feel like it would be along those lines because I think people do use them as a way to meet like partners, and I actually know people that have. I went to I actually went to a run club recently, it was a pure sport one, and we were running with this girl the whole time, me and my friend, like just chatting, and then we actually were talking about how people use run clubs as a way to date, and she was like, Oh yeah, that's my boyfriend over there, and we were like, Oh no way, and she was like, We met at this run club. That's wild, and now they go every week as a couple, and I was just like, Wow, okay, so it does work.

SPEAKER_01:

Honestly, I have not heard anything like that yet because I've just I guess I don't have I don't have tons of people who I know that are going to run clubs, but that's really cool and really cute that they still go.

SPEAKER_00:

I know it's so cute, but also you have to have confidence to do that.

SPEAKER_01:

I think you have to have confidence to go up and talk to a boy at a run club.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah, I don't do that, I just gravitate towards the girls. Like I was at a run club the other day, and there was this boy, and we kept making eye contact, and I was like, maybe this is my time, guys. No, like just left at the end, and I was like, okay.

SPEAKER_01:

In fairness, it's so difficult to go up to someone. If he came up to you, like you would have so been able to speak to him, yeah. It would have been so much easier.

SPEAKER_00:

It's just the initiating for like neither party want to initiate because you don't know if you've like got the vibe wrong.

SPEAKER_01:

Unless you're going to these run clubs which are like wear green if you're single. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_00:

But when you know when you just like think you're making eye contact with someone and then you're like, I don't actually know.

SPEAKER_01:

It's this awkward thing, and then imagine like they're making eye contact with the person behind you, and then they go up to talk to them and you're like, uh Yeah, or they were just like looking at you because you've got like something on your face. Oh yeah, yeah. And you think like oh okay. No, that's that's actually terrifying. I maybe have to come with you just for the run club vibes.

SPEAKER_00:

I wanna that's the thing, that's why I said it's like kind of a head start because you already know that they're willing to go for a run. You never know. Could make a new best friend, yeah. You never know.

SPEAKER_01:

Either way, I feel like you get something out of it. Totally. I think that for others it's not as easy because they might not be as firstly confident running, but also just confident in general to go and step outside their comfort zone and go to a place by themselves. But I feel like, especially through social media and knowing you now, you're just a very confident and like wear your heart on your sleeve kind of person. Something you said to me the other day really resonated with how I feel. You were just like, I just don't know how else to hand to deal with it. I just post about how I feel because that's all I really know, like that's just what I'm used to. And I think that was such a great way to put it. This is just my comfort zone in a way. I wanted to get into a little bit around how you started posting and a bit of context around what made you want to or keep doing it.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah. So when I initially started posting on this account, so for context, I had like my normal personal account that I've had since I was like 12 or something, and then I made this new account because I got an internship that was for a magazine, and it was very heavy on building a brand. Like, how do you do that? How do you build a brand on social media? And I was like, why don't I just make my own account and have an experiment? And I started posting where I went, like coffee shops, restaurants, stuff like that, and the uh the name of the account was Look What Amy Found. Yeah, I love that post like little spots, and then the more I posted, the more I realized that I really liked kind of connecting with people in that way, and I was like, I actually want to share more of me, and I remember because at the start I had like barely any followers, the engagement was really low. Not that I cared because I was just doing it for fun, but like that just was true, and then I remember the first video I posted that I was in that was kind of vlog style, did so much better, and it was not even that I was searching for anything to do well, but I was just kind of like, Oh, like people actually like watching people exactly, so it kind of just went from there, and I just started posting more of myself, and then obviously the username changed, and I stopped posting places and I just posted me. I love that, and I just realized that I just absolutely love it, and it's such a creative outlet for me, and having a full-time job that's not necessarily creative in that way. I just feel as though me as a person, I need that kind of separate hobby, I suppose. And also I just love people, I love connecting with people, I love helping people, I love hearing people's stories, and I think social media, although it has obviously so many issues, and I'm so aware of the issues, um, it also is so good in that way. I mean, we literally met through social media, and don't get me wrong, I've had moments where I've thought, oh my god, like if I think about it too hard, it makes me cringe or it makes me embarrassed, and I'm like, oh, people can just see my life, but the positives 100% outweigh the negatives for me.

SPEAKER_01:

Have you ever thought, like, oh my gosh, maybe I shouldn't have posted that about anything? 100%.

SPEAKER_00:

And I think that was another thing I was gonna say is that so I started that account initially, maybe halfway through my third year of uni, but I only started posting more about myself having left uni, and I think something that's changed in me as a person since then is that I just don't care what people think. Yeah, and I think at uni, I did 100% I cared what people thought, and then coming out of that kind of bubble, coming out of that like kind of education system where you're always around your peers, and there's an element of competition and there's an element of judgment, and you want to be liked, coming out of that situation, it's kind of like I'm just gonna do what makes me happy, and I don't care what people are saying, but obviously there have been times where I'm like, oh. I think more recently, because I've been more vulnerable my social media with the breakup content. There have been times where I'm like, should I have posted that? Is that too far? But something just keeps me going.

SPEAKER_01:

I think what people might not realize who work in different areas, if you work in social media or marketing or have like a foot in that door, then you will definitely understand this way more. But everyone in general really likes human connection, but people want insight into others' lives because it makes you feel like you know the person, makes you feel comfortable, and like there's something beautiful about that, and they might be going through it, but they just don't have the need or want or ability to talk about it, and the fact that you can do it for them. Were you always this vulnerable, or did you learn to get this way from a certain experience?

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah, so I think I've always been a fairly open book with most people I'm close to or like friends with. I've never been a person that's super closed off with their emotions. I mean, there are certain, like very specific things that I would prefer not to talk about, but I feel like everyone has that.

SPEAKER_01:

Oh yeah.

SPEAKER_00:

You you do deserve to have like there's just very specific things that are like very personal, like personal insecurities, stuff like that. I don't want to talk about that as much because I feel like that's a more negative space to discuss because you're making your insecurities real and you're also spreading that feeling, yeah. So that I steer away from, but most things I've always been pretty open, and I've always been like a friend that shares their emotions and thoughts, and I've always encouraged my friends to share with me. Um, but I think the being vulnerable online and just more now than ever just comes with learning not to care what people think, and I think that is just a huge difference in me now to before. It's just like we are not on this earth to please other people, obviously, be kind to everyone. Yeah, be I do care what people think in that way. I want people to think that I'm a nice person, of course. But I mean with silly things like a video on social media, if someone's taking the mick out of me for that, who cares? Do you know what I mean? Who actually cares? Because it made me happy and I enjoyed editing it, and I enjoyed making it and I enjoyed interacting with people about it. So this one person from my friendship group at uni telling me that it's cringe is not gonna stop me from doing that.

SPEAKER_01:

I speak about this a lot on the podcast. I talk so much about there's been countless episodes around getting out of your comfort zone and not being a people pleaser and caring what others think all the time about every little detail. And I'm the also the first person to be understanding with like that's not easy, and that comes with time, and we're always learning. But I think that this is just a great way to actually put it into practice and be like, we aren't on this earth to let our entire being consumed by whatever whatever someone's comment was about, like what they thought, because at the end of the day, it's just really sad to let someone stop you from doing what you want. And I think whenever I feel that kind of oh you know, what if people think this about me? I always go back to like we're on a floating rock and we have one life, and I know it sounds really cringe, but people are gonna look at the video and they're gonna think about something for two seconds and then they're gonna forget about it. Yeah because they're not gonna sit there and think about you all day and night, and that one thing you posted which they thought was cringe and doesn't even matter because you don't really know them. Once you realize that and slowly get comfortable believing it, you just walk around as a much more freeing person.

SPEAKER_00:

I'm so much happier having kind of let go of that value on other people's opinions. I feel like another thing that has made me post now is that I've always wanted to do it, but I've reached that point where I don't care what people think. But like back in the day, I had a YouTube channel with a friend when I was like 11, 12, and I loved doing that. Like I loved filming. We did like the what's in my mouth challenge or like the yoga challenge.

SPEAKER_01:

Um the yoga challenge, those videos must be like gold now.

SPEAKER_00:

Oh, well, I have no access to them, which is so sad because we got to the point, we got to that like teenage stage, we were like, this cannot be on the internet anymore, so it's gone now, but yeah, it's something I've always wanted to do, and like I used to send vlogs to my friends on Snapchat, and I would send them like a thousand videos, and it would take them like half an hour to watch it, and it would literally be me going through my wardrobe or something.

SPEAKER_01:

I'd be like, Hey guys, like I'm clearing out my wardrobe, and I'd film the whole thing, and they'd be like, Amy, like, hang on a second, like all the notifications I thought were important when I picked the iPhone were from you.

SPEAKER_00:

They're like, You do realize they've watched maybe 12 seconds of that. I'm like, I don't care, I don't care because it was fun, and I just wanted to film myself doing something. So it's always been on the radar, and like now that I'm doing it, I have a lot of friends that were like, Yeah, we saw this coming. Like, we knew you'd one day start posting because I just love it, and I also can just talk for England, so it's just so fun for me.

SPEAKER_01:

And it's nice that you know you've always had that that interest and it's always been there, and it sort of started at YouTube when you were younger, and now it's materialized into something that is doing well. Back to my question, the vulnerability thing has probably gotten easier the more you've started posting, the more you've gotten used to being comfortable on your page, and now it's just a matter of time.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah, it kind of makes your emotions less taboo in your own life because you're posting it on social media, so like in my day-to-day life, I'd say that I'm more in tune with my emotions because I'm making videos about it. I actually think it's made me a more positive person, just because the content that I post is quite like positive, like motivational, and I think when you're posting that online, it kind of holds you accountable. People do kind of say, Oh, you're so positive, like you've got such a good mindset, and it makes me be like, Yeah, like I am, and it kind of keeps me going because I'm kind of proving to myself that I am that person, if that makes sense, and like if I keep showing up as this like positive person that like can do hard things and put herself out of her comfort zone, the more you show up as that person, the more you are that person, and I think I've just actually become that person.

SPEAKER_01:

Like I love so much more. What's one of the nicest comments or things you've heard from someone from like one of your posts?

SPEAKER_00:

I think there's like general themes that I get messaged quite often, only recently, since the breakup content. I think before I would get DMs but not loads, since the breakup content. I like I have so many DMs which kind of shocked me because I just didn't think people really either cared or like cared to interact with me. But I've had so many messages of people sharing their experiences and being like, look, I got through this, you're gonna get through this. And I'm like, Yeah, so true. And I just think that's so nice that someone's firstly willing to share that like personal side with me, but also that they want to help me get through it. So that's like one thing that's always in my DMs, and then the other thing is just people saying that certain things I've said have kind of changed their perspective. That's another thing, and then the other thing is people saying that it's made them feel less alone because sometimes you just need that reminder that you're not the only one going through this, and it's like it actually happens to so many people, and we're all kind of in it together, and like you're not the first person to have your heart broken, and you're not the last, and you're also following in a long line of people that have got through it.

SPEAKER_01:

I love that, and I think a huge lesson from I guess what you were saying about what people have written in or messaged you about, which is so nice by the way.

SPEAKER_00:

Like, I can't believe people were saying I was actually so shocked at how many people make me feel less alone, yeah. That's heartwarming stuff, yeah, yeah. It's honestly amazing, and I just didn't think that I would receive that many messages because, like, in the grand scheme of things, the videos like aren't getting millions and millions of views, but the kind of proportion of people that are actually messaging off the back of them is huge, and it just proves that people just love human connection. Yeah, I agree.

SPEAKER_01:

I would say that if I'd give any bit of of advice to anyone, it's making sure that your main goal is like you're doing it because you love it, yeah, and that will keep you going, and that's why people will write in you're doing it because it makes you happy rather than doing it with anything else in mind at its core.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah, and also loving it keeps you going, even when people say horrible things, because I haven't had many horrible things being said, I've only had a handful, but the handful stick out because you always pick out the negative things, of course, and there have been people being like, for God's sake, like why are you filming this? Why are you posting this? That's so strange. Like, get a life. And I'm like, girl, I've got a life.

SPEAKER_01:

I've got a busy life.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah, I just want to post about it. Thank you very much. Yeah, exactly. But I feel like if you didn't love it, the negative things would make you be like, can't do it anymore. When someone comments this is so strange to put to post, like, put your phone away. I'm like, girl, you don't have to watch it.

SPEAKER_01:

No, I always think when I've got hate comments for whatever reason, most of it's come through YouTube, but YouTube is an interesting channel because I didn't realise but yeah, but I'm just like you don't actually you can think that, but you don't actually have to comment. You've taken time out of your day to press the comments button and comment on it.

SPEAKER_00:

Like it's quicker to just scroll. Exactly. Go away. Respectfully, go away.

SPEAKER_01:

Respectfully, just before we wrap up on this topic, being in your early 20s and learning to have that doesn't matter what other people think mentality, I'm comfortable in myself, and I'm not here to people please mentality. Do you think this has played a big part posting and being vulnerable and sharing in terms of your early 20s, how it's really shaped you, probably to learn at a quicker pace than you would have.

SPEAKER_00:

100%. And I think it sounds really dramatic saying that posting on Instagram has like helped you get to that point, but it so has because it's almost like exposure therapy. Yeah, do you know what I mean? It's like putting yourself out there and being in the perfect place for people to rip your part and like take the mick. Having that like instant kind of write, give it to me, yeah, tell me what you think, all in one go. It's like it kind of rips the band-aid off.

SPEAKER_01:

Which leads me on to now a recent series on your Instagram, which is the breakup content, and I have to just firstly say like a huge well done because I think that you have done something which loads of people, even though being vulnerable, struggle with talking about. But you now have started a series and you started posting like a diary almost of your healing journey on your breakup, and yeah, I wanted to ask you what made you want to do it, and also what's come out of it from the breakup perspective.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah. So I posted the first video in the breakup series the day after I was broken up with by so for context, I was in a long-term relationship, I met this boy in my first year of uni, so when I was 18 years old. I'm now 22, and five weeks ago he ended the relationship completely out of the blue on my part. Like I had no idea. I was completely in shock, and I thought I was set, like I was so in love. He's gonna walk me down the aisle. I actually thought this was my husband, I thought I was gonna spend the rest of my life with him. Um, and then one day he was just like, can't do it anymore. Um, and that conversation must have been maybe 20 minutes, like super short. It was a really short conversation. Um, yeah, I had no idea it was coming, and that was that, and I haven't seen him since. Uh so I posted a video literally straight after, and a lot of people were like blimey, like that's quick. Yeah. Um, and to be honest, it just felt right. Like, it just felt right, and I think it's because it's my first heartbreak, it's my first long term relationship that's come to an end. So I was kind of feeling so many emotions that I've never felt in my life, and for people that have been through. A breakup of that nature, you will know that like you don't understand those feelings until you feel them. I've had friends go through breakups, and I've thought, like, girl is in the trenches, and I'm like, why? It's yeah, I'm like, it's a man. I'm like, come on, girl. And then when you actually go through it, and someone that you saw your whole future with and that you were in love with just one day decides to leave your life forever, it's like, oh, okay, like I understand why my friends were the way they were, um, because it is truly awful. But I think the reason that I posted about it straight away is because I was like, if I'm gonna go through this and I'm gonna feel all these feelings that I've never fought felt before, I'm gonna go through it with people and I'm gonna help someone. If it's one person, I don't care, that's one person I've helped. And it also in a selfish way, like made me feel better because it meant that I had to talk about how I was feeling and like actually verbalise it because the process of making those videos, you know, firstly I think about what I want to say, and then I write in my notes what I want to say, and then I actually say it into my phone, yeah, and it's like those three stages really help me process my own emotions, and it's like journaling is great, and I do journal when I feel like I need to get my thoughts out, but for me, the video version is even more effective, and it also holds me accountable.

SPEAKER_01:

It's so difficult to do that, and it's so difficult to post about a breakup when people might feel like, okay, well, you know, they broke up with me. That's not something many people would ever want to admit. But the reality is that that happens, and it doesn't mean that they did that because you are a bad person or there's anything wrong with you, or you're not lovable.

SPEAKER_00:

It's not a reflection on you at all.

SPEAKER_01:

No, it's not. When things end, someone's gonna end it, and it doesn't mean that you should be tied down to this like image that you just aren't worthy. That's really not what it is. And I think when we had a little therapy session and a nice brunch, we were talking about female friendships and in particular how that really shapes your healing journey when you're going through a breakup, but also how it shapes your 20s and why they're so important to you. And I think I've felt that the more I left uni, the more I realized how important these friendships are for every part of my life, and I value them so much, and I know that they are a huge part of big life situations like breakups, and in your case, it was interesting to hear what you said about how you feel these female friendships have shaped your journey so far, and if you feel like it's almost brought you closer having this breakup.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah, I mean, honestly, this topic like makes me emotional because I just feel a new level of like love for my friends, and I've always been very close to my female friends. We might not have like become closer, but it's just made me more appreciative of them and been like, oh my god, like these are the people that get you through the crazy stuff that happens in life. And something that me and my friendship group have been saying recently is that thank God I was the way that I was with my friends because I know sometimes when people are in relationships, they can neglect other things in their life, and I think that's so natural when you're like super in love and obsessed with someone, you just want to spend all your time with them. I was never like that, and I think that was almost the universe being like, you know, she's gonna need these people, let's make sure she puts time into these people, but yeah, we've all been saying that like this situation is such a lesson, and like if there's something that I want people to take away from my situation, is like you never know, and this sounds really scary, and I don't mean to scare people, but like you never know when someone's gonna switch up on you because you can't control other people, you you can't see into someone's brain, that's the thing. Like, you never know how someone's feeling unless they tell you, and a lot of people don't. This situation just proves that you need to make sure that you are okay without that person, and don't neglect your friends, like never neglect your friends because it could really seriously bite you in the bum. And like those people hopefully would forgive you for neglecting them and be there for you if things went wrong, but you don't know that they will, and they don't owe it to you if you've been a bad friend, they don't owe it to you to be there for you. I'm like super grateful that past me always made sure I put time into those people because now is when I seriously need them.

SPEAKER_01:

I think there's an element of okay, now we're in our early 20s. People do think more when you're going in a relationship with someone, could this be my forever person? Rather than just oh, here, we're here for like a good time, summer feeling like a summer romance. And because of that, you're looking to see this person in a light of compatibility, like, can they be my soulmate? And you're still early on in your 20s, you still need people around you when you're learning and feeling and and and still figuring out who you are. So having your friends and my own bank account and like my own this and my own that, and I don't throw everything in and move in and do all of this stuff before I really even know what my own independence looks like.

SPEAKER_00:

Even if they are your forever person and you're gonna be with them forever, like you still need to be okay without them because like you just you just absolutely never know what's gonna happen if you want that relationship to work. You're gonna have to make sacrifices and you're gonna have to compromise and you are you need to spend time with your partner, um, but you need to find ways of making sure that that's not your whole being, because at the end of the day, your purpose is not to be someone's wife or husband, that is not your purpose in life. Um, so you can't live your life as though that's your purpose, and that's something that I'm reminding myself as well. Being single now is like I was not put on this earth to like be a girlfriend or to be a wife, yeah. So I need to not start living my everyday as though like I need to reach that place because that's not my purpose, and I think a lot of the time people can be guilty of like thinking about finding that person in like every situation, like every time you leave the house, am I gonna meet someone? Every party, am I gonna meet someone? Every run club, am I gonna meet someone? And I'm like really trying to shift that mindset and just be like, who cares? Someone magically appears, they magically appear, but like I'm okay on my own, you know? This always freaks me out, but like you are the only person that you're gonna spend every second of the rest of your life with.

SPEAKER_01:

I can so tell you've had deep thought in this video.

SPEAKER_00:

You know, I'm like, I'm stuck with myself forever, so I need to actually like myself.

SPEAKER_01:

I say this all the time. You can tell yourself you're doing a good job. You don't know whoever else might be by your side forever, but you know you are. Why do you feel when you were together with your ex that you were able to not isolate your friends out? Why do you why do you feel like you were that kind of person?

SPEAKER_00:

It's a good question. I think I've always been like that. I honestly didn't have to like consciously think about it. In hindsight, maybe it's because I enjoyed my time with my friends more than I enjoyed my time with my boyfriend. That sounds so bad, but like I just love my friends. Do you know what I mean? But I think I've always been like fairly independent, and I think I just know now as well, having lived 22 years of life, is that people will let you down. It sounds so negative, and I do think this situation can so easily make me more like cynical and negative about life, but it is just a fact that people will let you down, and whether that's friends, whether that's family, whether that's a boyfriend or whatever, you just do have to be okay, and sometimes you just have to realise that like two people can be good people and they can have all these amazing qualities, but together they're just not.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah, I think that's a really good way of putting it. What's one of the most favourite things that your girlfriends have said that they're sort of getting you guys to do as a group, like now that you've gone through you're going through the breakup, like what do you love to do with them to kind of cheer you up?

SPEAKER_00:

I think there's two sides to this. I think the first one is going out and having fun.

SPEAKER_01:

Yes.

SPEAKER_00:

I have a lot of friends that are like quite active or like like the same things as me. Like the other day, we literally like went for a stroll and had brunch and just like chatted, like getting out and out and about, um, whether that's going for brunch or whether that's going for drinks. Um, just like making loads of plans. And then the other thing is just like doing really normal everyday things, but together. Like the other day, me and my friend literally just like went to waitros, bought food, and then came home, sat on my bed, ate food and just chatted. Like, we didn't know.

SPEAKER_01:

Why is that just the most fun thing ever? Yeah, I know. I love doing that.

SPEAKER_00:

I know, and it was literally on a Monday evening as well. Like, just on a Monday evening, just like yeah, literally, like you have free will, just be like, can we go and buy snacks and chat shit on my bed? Absolutely, like, and it was so nice. I think just surround yourself with people that make you feel good, and that is one thing that I think I've learned now in my 20s. Is like think about who you're surrounding yourself with, think about how they make you feel, think about whether they're bringing you up or bringing you down, and another thing is you're allowed to have different friends for different things. Yeah, that is something I've learned. Like, you are allowed to have a friend that is just for fun, and that maybe you're not on the same level emotionally. Um, I think I used to feel sad about friends that didn't necessarily like show up for me emotionally, and maybe we didn't discuss like feelings and more deep topics, but you're allowed to have friends for different things. You're allowed to also have friends that like you might not go clubbing with or go out for drinks with, but like you will sit down and have a coffee and talk about like what you're upset about, like you're allowed to have different friends for different things because everyone's different.

SPEAKER_01:

It's great because I have people who I know are there for me in this situation, and then people who will have a laugh and I can go out with in this situation, and then there's a Venn diagram where some are both, and that's great.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah, but they don't all have to be both, yeah, and you can't expect someone to tick every box all the time.

SPEAKER_01:

Exactly.

SPEAKER_00:

Because you probably don't either.

SPEAKER_01:

On the podcast, we always end the episode with a question, which is what's one piece of advice you could give to my listeners that you wish you knew earlier in your 20s or that you just really like right now?

SPEAKER_00:

Um, there are kind of two things that I'm living by at the moment. The first thing is that the universe will never give you peace in something you're not meant to settle in. If something's causing you like negative emotions, like you're really upset about something, that's probably because it was meant to end. The universe is not gonna let me settle in a relationship that I was never meant to be in. And yes, I might be feeling heartbroken and whatever right now, but that's because it needed to end, and that is really helping me. Like, thanks, universe. I absolutely love that. Like, it's not peaceful, it's disrupting your peace. That's because you need to get out of it. There will be warning signs. The other thing is that all your experiences, everything you're feeling, your emotions, whether they're positive or negative, through that you are collecting life data, is how I like to think about it. Like right now, I might be feeling really awful about the fact that the person I love broke up with me. But through that experience, I am experiencing all these feelings that I it's like it's life data. I will now be able to help my friends, my future daughter, maybe, get through heartbreak because now I've been through it, and if I'd never been through it, I would have never been able to empathize in that way. So it's like I'm gathering all this useful life data that will make me a better person.

SPEAKER_01:

You're gathering like another notch on your belt, another bit of experience, another part of your journey, which is like great, I'm I am now tougher and stronger than that. Yeah, it does.

SPEAKER_00:

So it's like whenever you're in a kind of similar situation again, it's like, well, I got through it last time. Exactly. I can do it.

SPEAKER_01:

And it's the hardest when it's the first time.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah, 100%.

SPEAKER_01:

Because you're also processing all these new things through everything you're doing already, you're helping people without realizing I hope so. On that note, we're gonna finish up. I have absolutely loved having you on. I've loved being here, like weight's been lifted off my shoulders, like just a deep breath.

SPEAKER_00:

And I'm like, That was therapy for me.

SPEAKER_01:

This is this is therapy without like having to explain yourself. For free cold, it's free, free. It's free therapy, it's fun as well. So honestly, I've loved it. So if you guys don't follow Amy already, I'm going to link her Instagram handle in the episode description. But I highly recommend heading over to her page because I love it and it's just kind of like watching your best friend. So I hope you guys enjoyed the episode as much as we did. Have a great rest of your Wednesday, and I'll see you next week. Bye. Bye.

Contributor

Emily Astley

Host

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