How To Protect Your Peace From Negative People (TB)

Now that we’re heading toward the end of the year, I think it’s the perfect time to reflect on the people we spend the most time around (especially those whose negativity can quietly affect us without us realising).

In this episode, I talk about how to recognise negative behaviour, the impact it can have on your mindset over time, and how we can protect our energy.

I also share thoughts on approaching difficult conversations with people who consistently bring negativity into your life, and why being intentional about who you keep close really matters.

Enjoy!

Transcript

Defining Negativity Bias

How Bias Shapes Relationships And Work

When To Speak Up And How

Outro

SPEAKER_00 0:35

Welcome back to another episode of the 20s survival guide. This is your host, Emily Astley. Thanks for coming back. If you're new here, we welcome you to our little community. Um, this is gonna be a great episode, one that definitely applies to you. Stay with me. And if you're an old listener and you're a loyal listener, we are so happy to have you back. I mean, I'm saying we, but it's just me here. So I'm so happy to have you back. This is gonna be a great episode. And I'm sure you can tell by the title, but today we're gonna talk about something which I just think it's brushed over a lot. It's quite controversial because I'm sure you have experienced negative people in your life, and the energy that negative people bring really affects us. And I'm sure we've been there, we've been the people that have been bringing the negative energy when we've gone through stuff in our lives, but it's important to know how to handle negative people, whether this be friends, bosses, relationships, and how to make sure that we don't let ourselves get affected by their energy. And I'm not someone who's spiritual or woo-woo in that sense, and there's nothing against that. There is genuine facts behind why negative people's energy affect us so much, and I've done my research. So today we're going to talk about how to deal with negative people, why we get affected by their energy so much more than you'd think, and tips and techniques that we can use to protect our own energy in a way that doesn't lead to conflict. So, without further ado, let's get into the episode. I would really appreciate it if you could go and just quickly like and subscribe the podcast on whatever you're listening to, whether this is YouTube, Spotify, Apple, and I'm honestly there are so many more, and I'm not gonna bore you with naming them, but it really helps out the podcast. So if you could just go do that if you're feeling generous, it means a lot. Thanks. Okay, firstly, before we get into the episode, I just want to say that it has been over a year now. We've just hit our one year anniversary for this podcast, the 20 survival guide. We've been going for a year now, and it's gone so fast, so I'm really proud of how far it's come. At the moment, we're still doing solo episodes, but I've got a couple guests who are gonna come soon. But what the lesson is in this, if I'm gonna put a lesson on it, is that staying consistent really does pay off because I have released an episode pretty much every single week for the past year, and I've seen it grow so much, which is so refreshing and satisfying to see something that you've created become something that people really admire you for. So, happy birthday to the 20 Survival Guide. But let's not lose track of what we're talking about today, and we're talking about how to deal with negative people. So, firstly, why and how do we get affected by negative people's energy? And there is something called the negativity bias, which is really the whole reason why negative people's energy get to us. And the concept is that we feel pain from a failure, a mistake, anything bad that happens in our lives way more than we feel joy from praise or compliments or successes. And that's because we pay more attention to negative things and negative events than positive ones. Like, take the news, for example. The news tends to be negative a lot because that's what gets the press. No one's gonna talk about positive things all the time, people don't really listen to them. So we also learn more from negative outcomes and experiences than we do positive ones. And if you think about it, it's like if you make a mistake that's really bad or something that's really, really hurt you, you're gonna make sure, you're gonna make damn sure that you're not gonna do that again because you don't want to feel that pain. So we learn way more from negative experiences than we do positive ones, just naturally because we don't want to put ourselves back in those environments that really hurt us. So the negativity bias is saying that we will get affected by negative things, negative comments that people make, friends, as simple as the weather was terrible today or something that your friend says to you that's just negative all the time is gonna affect you way more than positive things. And that's really frustrating because we don't want negativity to filter into our life and affect it in a bad way. It's useful for us to figure out how we can make sure that we mitigate this. Last point, we tend to make more decisions based on negative information than positive data, positive experiences. Again, linking back to you've made a mistake, you've had a failure, you're gonna make your decisions based on improving your experience, based on the last one. So, yeah, we make our decisions based on negative information more, which is kind of sad, but that's just how humans are programmed, I guess. It's the bad things that grab our attention. That's a given. On Instagram, on TikTok, on social media, content creators try and use hooks, which are the first line of their real, essentially, that are negative, that reel you in. Something that's shocking, clickbaity, because they know that you're going to be there for longer and want to listen to that negative thing rather than them just being really happy and positive because people are just gonna scroll. This really comes down to our relationships with people, which I'm gonna talk about today, how the negativity bias affects that, and how we can make sure that we really don't get affected as much as possible. Because honestly, being around negative people is extremely draining. And when you hang around negative people, you tend to get more negative yourself. Examples I have of being around negative people and how it affects us are as follows: there's friendships, relationships, there's career stuff, which we tend to go into in this podcast. An example of a negative person in terms of relationships is let's say you're going on a date with someone for the first or second time, and it's all new and exciting, and the date went well, but there's probably a couple things that they did which kind of icked you out or really annoyed you, and they're minor, but you come home and talk to your friends, and you just can't help but harp on the negative things that that person did. Like maybe he chewed in a really weird way that just put you off, or he wore shoes that you just really didn't like. Something as silly as that, which I know we tend to get the ick for, but the point is that the majority of the date would have gone probably well, and you've come back and only harped on the negative things to your friends. You're only focusing on the negative things, and it's probably the most exhausting waste of energy possible. In terms of careers, here's an example. You receive a performance review at work, a one-on-one, going through how you've been progressing recently, and your boss gives you great review, says that you're doing great work, but there's maybe two things that they criticized you for that you couldn't work on and you need to do better at. You will come away from that as a negative person, only focusing on the bad things and really getting let down by that. Now, obviously, it's important for us to remember the bad things so we can improve on them and not ignore them. I'm not saying that. I'm saying you can't allow yourself to have praise for the good things that you've just been given. How draining is that? Like the whole point is that the boss wants to tell you that you've been doing a great job and you just need to brush up on these things. So you shouldn't be letting that get you. But a negative person with negative energy would genuinely only fixate on that. So it's really unhealthy to be around that person all the time, and to be that person is even more exhausting. And that's not me throwing any shade onto that kind of person. Another really important thing when it comes to the negativity bias, and this is probably the most important because this is something that genuinely is absolutely detrimental for your mental health, is that if you are around negative people who are talking about things that can trigger you in terms of having a really, really traumatic experience in the past, whether that's a disorder of some sort or something really bad that's happened to your mental health, that's just really dangerous because you don't want to get into a bad state again. And if they are actually affecting you because they don't realize that they're triggering something that you went through in the past, which is really, really difficult, then you can't be around that kind of negativity because it could make you spiral. So you have to protect your energy. Like it is so important from that kind of standpoint. I am again, I'm not preaching here, guys, and I feel like I say that every time, but seriously, I'm just saying this for everyone's benefit. And it doesn't mean that you don't love them. I'm sure that they're so important and amazing people in your life that you really just don't want to lose, but they might be affecting you without realizing it, and you shouldn't have to suffer from someone's negative energy because you are the company you keep. And I do believe that there is just an unavoidable fact that you hang around with specific people, you tend to be more like them, you pick up on their language. It's really easy to fall into that trap. They don't like the way that their hair looks today or their lecture went really badly, just little things that always are just bringing them down and they have nothing positive to say. It's really hard to not let that affect you, even though they're not talking about your day. We always do this. I agree, the weather's terrible, the situation's terrible, like it's really annoying, like when will things get better? And you just sympathize with them because you're trying to validate their feelings, right? But without realizing you're actually being more negative about things that you probably weren't negative about in the beginning. And that's just because we tend to agree with people when it comes to small talk. What else are you gonna say? It's so much effort to contradict them and tell them, actually, no, I thought that was a great lecture, or it's actually not a big deal because you probably just don't really have the energy for that. But you then start to realize that you're getting into a negative trap of just being negative about things for no reason. I know it sounds crazy. Their energy, like really, honestly, your energy is so important because it's all linked with your motivation, your self-development, and what gets you up in the morning and how you view life. The kind of people that view life as full of opportunities where you don't just want to be going through the motions, you want to actually live your life and have excitement and enjoy each day and not just wait for the day to pass or the day to finish because you're bored. You want to live in the moment, and I know there's days that we all have down days, and I'm not talking about those days because those are so normal and they're absolutely fine. So, how can we do this? So, how can we do this? Number one, we can stop negative talk, stop negative self-talk. So, when you've got that internal voice and conversation in your head, it's really important to notice that conversation and realize: okay, I need to be less negative to myself. This constant chain of conversations in my head needs to be me being nice to myself because that will really show when you're talking to people and just how you behave on the day-to-day. So when you are being negative and have negative self-talk, just catch yourself and remind yourself that these habits tend to have long-term effects. So try and talk less negatively to yourself. It's really important and it is something I am working on myself because I really am not the nicest in my head. Number two, this is really important. And I understand that it can't always be achieved, but my advice is if you're really affected by someone who's just really negative in your life all the time, try and distance yourself from these people if you need a break. You don't have to distance yourself from them altogether and you know lose your friendship or your relationship. But if you really are struggling, it's okay to take a step back and distance yourself from them and see some other friends and see them a bit less so that you can recover from being affected by their negative energy. And I understand that we can't always do that because this could be someone at work and you have to go into work every day, or this could be a best friend who you see all the time, or a roommate, and you can't distance yourself from them because they're always there. I just think if you can, it's always good to try and have a little bit of a break from them so that you don't get affected by their energy as much. And then when you're in a better place, you're ready to come back. But if you can't do that, that's totally fine and normal. It's just not easy to do that. So if you can't distance yourself from these people who bring negative energy into your life, I would say try and not fall into the trap of agreeing with all of their negative comments and dwelling with them. I don't mean don't give them sympathy if they're going through a tough time. What I mean is more like the unnecessary negative comments that they make, whether that's about themselves or just small talk kind of things that that really just can be avoided. Try and not agree with them, dwell on them and engage in them because the more you do that, the more energy you're expending on negativity, and that's really gonna hurt you in the long run. I genuinely know it sounds probably crazy that someone saying, Oh, it's shit weather outside and you agreeing is something I'm telling you not to do, when it probably could be like a snowstorm. That's not necessarily what I mean. I just think if there are things that people are always being negative about and you don't actually agree with them, it's okay to just say, you know what? I actually don't agree with you. I think that this was a beautiful event that we went to. If you are the person that gently nudges that friend to see the positive side of things and challenge them in a healthy way, then you're going to help yourself and you're going to help them because they might not even realize that they're being negative all the time. We can also look inside ourselves and think, okay, how can we be less negative? When it comes to you having successes, having breakthroughs and achieving things, try and make sure that you actually celebrate those achievements and you celebrate yourself, savour the positive moments. Don't just move on and think what's next. Like people say this all the time, but enjoy the successes. Enjoy things that you've actually achieved instead of just trying to find the one thing you didn't manage to say. Try and give yourself a pat on the back and be more praising of yourself. These kinds of things, which are so small that we don't really think about like the way we talk to ourselves, have such a big impact on how our energy is shifted to be a more positive person. Think about it. When you hang around those friends who are really positive, have a positive energy, and they uplift you, you admire them and you are wanting to hang around them more because they lift you up. Just make sure you celebrate your wins. That is the key from this point. What I've just mentioned leads on to my next point, which is surround yourself with positive people who bring out the best of you in life. People who see the positive side of things will uplift you, they will make you feel more motivated, they will bring out the best in you, and their behavior and positive energy will rub off on you in a good way because again, you are the company you keep. So the more you hang out with the positive people, the more you're likely to be positive and see the bright side of things. I know this sounds crazy, and I don't want you to think that I'm this person who thinks of life as something that's just full of opportunity and we never have troubles because God, I can't I can't stress enough that I completely understand life is so tough. That's why we've got this podcast, guys. We're here to talk about how difficult your life is in your 20s and making it better is the whole mission that I've got here. But if you could just put that aside for one second and think about what I'm really trying to say here, it's true because you are the company you keep, you're in a circle, the people who you hang out with most, you really want to try and make sure that they are positive people because they will uplift you, they will bring out the best in you, and their energy will rub off on you. And that's going to be beneficial for you. You want to make sure that it's fine to have some negative people who you can't change, but choose the friends and the people who you surround yourself with on the day to day wisely and make sure that they're the kinds of people who really bring you up and lift you up in the world. That's probably one of the most important things from this takeaway. And the last point when it comes to how we deal with negative people, and the last tip that I have is that you don't necessarily have to call this person out on the fact that they're being so negative. And it's not your job. Like, I am not telling you to go to your friend and say, Hey, look, you've been so negative and get in a whole argument about it. No, it's really not your job to make sure that they become a more positive person. That's not your job. Your job is to protect your own energy in peace because it is so easy to let that get affected by who we surround ourselves with. It's not your job to make sure that someone else knows that they're being negative. It's your job to protect your energy. However, you can call them out on it if you know that the situation is going to go well. You know that the conversation, the intervention is going to go down fairly well. And I'd say the convo will go down well if you are close enough to this person, they're one of your best friends, or they're in your inner circle, and you feel comfortable enough to bring it up to them and say, Look, I feel like you've been really negative about things recently. Maybe you're going through something, I'm here to talk about it, but I just want to let you know that you're bringing me down a bit and it's kind of affecting me. Another reason why the convo could go down well is if your friend doesn't really even realize that they're being negative. So this is in terms of friendships, if they are just constantly being negative on the daily, always finding something bad in every little situation, but you don't think that they even realize it because they might have just fallen into a habit, then it's okay to bring that up because, in my opinion, they might respond well by saying, Oh my gosh, I didn't even realize that I was being so negative. I I just kind of fell into a trap and I'm sorry that I'm affecting you. And then you're kind of giving them a reality check and helping them when they might not have even realized it. But on the whole, remember that the most important thing is yourself and to protect your own energy. And dealing with negative people can come with difficult conversations like what we've just mentioned, but they're really important because, especially, as I said earlier, if their comments are triggering you, it's really important to distance yourself from those people or just let them know that they're affecting you. Who you surround yourself with is so important because we're all trying to grow and learn here, and we're so early in our lives, we're still so young, so motivation can be so tough as well. To summarize this episode, protect your energy, be aware of who you surround yourself with. And if you're the one who has fallen into a negative trap, maybe notice that and think within yourself why is this the case? Maybe you're going through a lot right now and honestly I'm here and I hope this podcast helps and you will get through it. There will be a bright side. You will see the light at the end of the tunnel. It might be longer than you want, but I just want you to know that being positive without really realizing it has such an impact on our overall mental health. So don't feel like just because someone else is trying to bring you down and is being negative that you have to be negative too. I hope you guys enjoyed this episode. Distance makes the heart grow fonder. That could be the same thing with someone who's really negative in your life. So overall protect your energy and go and enjoy the rest of this week. You are beautiful, you are smart, intelligent and capable of anything that you put your mind to so make sure that you realize that and I will see you guys next Wednesday. Bye