How To Break The People Pleasing Cycle And Start Living For Yourself (TB)

Have you ever caught yourself saying yes to plans with friends when you really don't want to go out? 

We have all been there....

In this episode, I am talking about why we are so used to people pleasing, how we can stop doing it and why living more intentionally will benefit our lives incrementally in the long term. 

From one people pleaser to another, I am taking my own advice on this one...

We are also discussing Valentines day, the pressure it brings to the singletons and those in relationships, and how to not let it get to you!

Enjoy!

Transcript

Welcome And Topic Setup

SPEAKER_00 0:57

Welcome back. Welcome back to another episode. Welcome back. Welcome back to another episode. Welcome back to another episode of the 20s survival guide. This is your host, Emily Astley, and today we are going to talk about. Welcome back to another welcome back to another episode of the 20s survival guide. This is your host, Emily Astley, and if you're new here, this is a great episode to start on. Welcome. Welcome to our little community we've got here. And if you're a returning listener, we love to have you back. Thank you for tuning in again. I'm glad that you're enjoying these episodes. But today's episode, today's episode is a perfect episode for you to start on if you're a new listener, and that's because we're talking about something that everyone faces. This is something that I have been struggling with recently, and I've definitely gotten better with age, and that is being a people pleaser. In this episode, we are going in this episode, we're gonna cover why people are people pleasers. We're gonna cover how this affects your relationships and your life in general, and ways that you can stop being a people pleaser. Techniques, tips, just ways that you can become more intentional in what you do for yourself rather than for other people. We're also gonna touch, we're also gonna touch on Valentine's Day because it is almost Valentine's Day this week. So we're really just gonna talk about how we feel about Valentine's Day as as a celebration and just if it's really worth it, if the day should even be a thing, we'll get into that. But without further but without further ado, let's get into the episode. Please please go and like and please go and like and subscribe on the po if you're listening to this podcast, please go and like and subscribe on whatever channel you're listening to this on, whether it's YouTube, Spotify, Apple, honestly, there's so many more, and I'm not gonna bore you guys with listing them, but it really helps the podcast more than you probably think. So if you're feeling nice and you're feeling generous today, just go and hit subscribe. It helps a lot. Thank you. Okay. Okay, guys. Okay. So why do we people please? Because something I've always wondered is why we are so used to people pleasing, and you might not be a person that people pleases, and if you don't, then that's amazing, and you're probably further down in the line for this journey than other people, but I think it's quite normal for us to people please without even realizing it, and it's something that it's so easy to do in your 20s because you want to take all the opportunities that you get and you want to say yes to everything, and that's the right thing to do. I think that's a great thing to do, but then there's a fine line between saying yes to everything and being a people pleaser in all aspects of life, whether this is career, friendships, relationships. You you just need to make sure that it's really important to make sure that you're doing everything for you and you're not just doing it for other people. I think that you do get better with age when it comes to people pleasing, but there are many reasons why we do this. So let's get into them. I've done my research and also from past experience, some of the reasons why we people please are rejection, fear of rejection. It all really stems from that. Fearing rejection from your friends, if you know you choose a different restaurant and they want to go somewhere else, or you know, saying no to a plan, you're fearing being rejected of not being invited out again. So you just do things and go out when you don't really even want to. That's an example that I have literally done so many times. But I think fear of rejection from a social group, from a boss, from a from your partner, it's it's a big reason why we do that. Another reason is insecurities, something we all have, and I think that people pleasing is stemming from whatever insecurity you might have. So that could be fearing that people aren't gonna like you or fearing that you're not fun and bubbly enough, which I'm sure you are, but it's just an insecurity that you have. Another reason is this another reason, another reason which also ties into what I've just said already, is people is is that you just don't want to disappoint people, and that's a great trait to have because it means that you respect other people and you want to prove them that you want to show them that you're worth it, you know. But the issue with that is that you kind of let yourself disappoint yourself in a way. The issue with that is you kind of end up disappointing yourself, which sounds really weird, but it's true, and you're just as important as everyone else. So, apart from those reasons, another thing that I think is a reason why people people please is that they don't hold themselves to a high enough regard, like you don't have enough self-respect to be able to put your foot down and say, no, this is what I want to do, and I'm not gonna do it just for the sake of it. So it's so normal, and it's especially normal in your 20s, but we are going to just make sure that we are holding ourselves accountable when we do this so that we can really start to craft a life for ourselves that is more intentional and more surrounding what we want to do with our lives. So personally, I think a big reason where I see people pleasing a lot, and I do this a lot, is careers. Career setting is the main reason in this episode why I think I people please at least, and that's that just comes in so many forms. So this comes down to you know whether you're asking for a desired salary and and trying to please whoever you're whoever's interviewing you, whether they ask you one of the ways that you can people please in your career is by asking for your desired salary. So I'm sure you've done interviews before, and if you haven't, when it comes to the corporate world, a lot of the times they will ask you at the end of the interview, what's what's your desired salary, before they tell you what they're going to pay you. And that's your time to go out there and say, Okay, this is how much I want to make, and if it's too much and they and they think, okay, well, we're not going to pay this much, it doesn't really matter because you have no idea how much they're going to pay you. So it's so easy to people please, and I do this a lot where I will panic when they ask me that question, and I'll just low ball how much I actually feel like I deserve, because I'm worried that they won't give me the job. And that's crazy because you're setting yourself there in the beginning of your career with how much you're worth, quite literally, how much you're worth financially. And I think it's not a bad thing to ask for a lot because, in a way, we buy expensive things because we think that they're better than the cheaper things a lot of the time, not all the time, but that applies to yourself, like put yourself as an expensive, an expensive entity, and you are so you shouldn't be lowballing yourself in that sense. That is a way that people people please. Even if you are good at doing that, it's really difficult. And I think that comes from we're young again, and you're not really sure where you stand in an office or in a in a in an industry, so you're kind of trying to make sure that you're not overstepping, but really that then comes back to not having enough confidence in yourself and fearing rejection, and employees uh employers, employers actually really appreciate this is what I've heard at least, confidence in their employees. So it's probably so much better to speak up because at the end of the day, they're not gonna really know what you're thinking. So if you want more training, if you want more structure, if you want more projects, the fear of you not speaking up is just not gonna help. And I think I have done this so many times. I'm not preaching, guys, I promise, but it's just people pleasing. It really just comes down to people pleasing, and I think we will get better with this when we know where we stand when it comes to a career, but you need to remember again that everything you should be doing, that everything you're doing, but it's also important to remember that everything you're doing is intentional for you and you're not doing it for anyone else. So yeah, go and get that, go and get that extra training, like go and ask for that extra project. This is your life that you're building for yourself, so no one else is really going to ask for it or hand it to you on a silver platter unless you speak up. And it's really hard to learn, but the more you do that, the more you get into a habit of doing that, the easier it gets. And I just think we need to remember, and I just think it's important to remember when we're in those situations. Okay, why not just do it? I'm not trying to people please. People will respect me for having my own opinion, and really that's so true because you respect someone if they have their own opinion and they're not just following the crowd. Like it is, it is so it is so attractive when someone doesn't follow the crowd and they have their own opinion, and most people just follow the herd. That's why everyone agrees with people when you're a people pleaser. So I think it's key to remember it's not a bad thing to have your own opinion and have a different opinion than someone else. So go and speak up for yourself and remember if you are in your career and you are doing one of those things, it might be because of people pleasing. So just notice that and see how you can shift that next time. In terms of in terms of relationships and friendships, people pleasing is so inevitable, and especially in the early stages of your relationships. So, you know, when you're meeting someone and you're dating them for the first time and everything's exciting, and you're getting to know them, and they don't really know the ins and outs of who you really are, and they just see the perfect version, and they don't really know your deep stuff and your your vulnerability. This is the time where it's so easy to people please. So if you're going on a date, for example, and they want to take you to this specific bar and you don't like it, don't just say yes. You can have your own opinion and disagree with them, and they're not gonna like you any less. This also comes back to them respecting you for having your own opinion. It's way more attractive, I think, when you stand up and speak your mind and it might not be the same as theirs. Obviously, don't go and be aggressive about it and say, like, oh, I don't really, I don't, I don't really care what you think, I'm gonna we're gonna go here instead. No, be nice, but just don't follow if you don't want to do it. I think when you're further down the line in your relationship and it comes to arguments, another form of people pleasing is by knowing that you have an issue with someone, but you're not bringing it up because you're afraid of rejection, you're afraid of them drifting from you, you're afraid of how they're gonna react. And that then leads to you squashing how you actually feel and wanting to work through a problem by just fearing that you know they're gonna have a go at you, and that's not a great sign, and it's also people-pleasing, we need to try, and it's important to try and think, okay, I'm going to speak up because I have an issue with you on this, and if I don't, then I'm doing a disservice to myself by not speaking up and clearing my mind and my conscience about how I feel. At the end of the day, when you have an argument with your partner and people say this all at the end of the day, when you have an argument with your partner, people say this all the time that arguments obviously aren't nice, but they actually bring you closer together. Like if you're in a relationship and you never argue, there's probably a problem there. That's just that's just my opinion. Maybe everything is great and you're living your best life, but it tends to be weird when you don't argue with your partner at some point in your relationship. So arguments actually do bring you closer together because once you've resolved it, you're both moving forward in the right direction. So don't be afraid of bringing up how you actually feel because you're afraid of people. Don't be afraid of bringing up how you actually feel because that could be seen as people pleasing. Friendships? Okay, now friendships. Friendships is the classic form where you'll probably see people pleasing the most. And I'm just speaking for myself here. You can disagree with me, we can chat about it, but I think that when someone is people-pleasing in a friendship group, it's so obvious, and you just tend to have more respect for those who have their own opinions and don't just agree with the main leader of the group or the person who states an opinion and a thought, and then everyone else is like, Yeah, same, or like the person that changes their mind to agree with someone else because they want to people please. Like, how many times have you seen that? I have seen that so many times, and I've also probably done that when I'm exactly doing that people pleasing. But friendships really do thrive more when you don't people please, like you're not the same person, we're not all the same people, and even if you're very similar to your friend or your best friend, which to be honest, you tend to be opposites with your best friends because they tend to just opposites attract. But if you're similar with your friend in terms of your opinions, your views, your morals, that's fine, but everyone's still different, so it's okay to think a different thing to them, it's okay to have a different political view to them. And what I find really mature and attractive in people is when you can agree to disagree on things, like you don't have to agree with them, and just because you don't agree with them doesn't mean that you're gonna have a massive argument about it and then be just shady with each other. Like, if you're having a political debate and we're not gonna get into politics here because that's not what we're doing, but it's just use I'm just using it as an example. It's okay to be like, okay, I think one thing and you think another thing. I'm willing to hear your view, and I might not agree with you, but that's okay because we can be mature adults and agree to disagree on things. That's not people pleasing, that's just learn you're actually learning because you're not just agreeing with them, you're learning to understand more about the topic, have a different perspective on things, like see how much benefits you can gain from your own self-confidence and your own self-worth when you don't people please, you actually can learn so much more, and you're just again living a life that's just more intentional. So I'm not telling you to do anything. This isn't me going and telling you to completely change your view set to be different to your friends and play devil's advocate. No, obviously, obviously not. But I'm just saying that if you deep down think something and you're afraid to say it because it's not what everyone else is thinking, it's okay to be brave, it's okay to speak up, and you know, like we don't have to be followers. We don't have to be followers in the herd. Another thing when it comes to f another thing when it comes to friendships that I have really learned over the years, and I'm still learning in my twenties, is Saying no to plans, saying no to plans that I don't want to go to. Like the amount of plans that I used to say yes to on a night out, going out with friends where I just really didn't want to go out. I was tired, I was not in the mood, I was just wanting some alone time, and I would just agree because I was worried of how I would be perceived. I was worried that I wouldn't be having fun. I was worried about FOMO. I was worried about people pleasing, and if they would invite me out again if I didn't go. All these things made me choose to go out and probably most of the time end up having an awful night because I never wanted to leave, anyways. So that's just so much time wasted that I had. Whereas if I didn't people please, I would feel so much better because I'd make my own choices on my own terms and not just do it because I was afraid of what someone would think about me. That is classic. So if you're the kind of person that feels obliged to go out with every single plan that's made, with every single plan that people make and you get invited to, it's okay. This is your reminder that it is genuinely so okay to not go out if you don't want to. It's so okay to say no to plans, you're not going to upset people, they will understand, and it's core to doing what you want to do. It might be difficult because again, you want to make sure that you're people pleasing and you're and you're not letting people down, but you're gonna feel so much better afterwards, I promise you, and I do all the time because I can't we can't say yes to everything. Like sometimes we need our own space, we need our own downtime. We're human beings, and this is so classic. Like, not everyone is like this, but I for one love socializing, and I am such a social, social person, I'm such an extrovert, but I also love my own space, like I need my own head space and just to be like marinating in my own thoughts, it's so important. But that's why you need to give yourself that time because you can't say yes to everything. So remember that it is okay to say no to plans, it is more than okay, people aren't gonna think you're boring, and if they do, who cares because you're doing this for you. How can we stop? Okay, it's all well it's all well and good for me to tell you guys why you shouldn't people please and the situations that we all face when we people please, but that doesn't really help us stop people pleasing, and I find myself going in phases of sometimes I'll feel like I need to people please, and sometimes I just really can't be bothered. But there are tips and there are ways that we can actually, you know, think in real time to stop people pleasing. And I have again done my research, and I have a couple reasons here for you guys how you can actually stop people pleasing. Number one, and probably the most common and useful one of all is setting boundaries. These are things that you need to have with yourself in any walk of life, whether this is friendships, relationships, whether this is career-based, you need to have boundaries. It's like, okay, in a career, this is probably less common, but a lot of the time managers can take advantage of you because they will if you don't have boundaries yourself. So that's overloading you with projects or not paying you enough or giving you stuff and work to do that is just unpaid, but you know you should be paid for that. These kind of things is where you need to set boundaries for yourself and say, This is literally where I'm not budging, and I am going to say no to you if you cut that boundary. It's so important to set these boundaries because then you know where you stand, you know your worth, and it's so much easier. Again, with relationships and friendships, you also need to set boundaries. It's like, okay, I love you and I love hanging out with you, but I need my own space, and this is my boundary. And even if you don't like that, this is this is tough. Like, this is what we're doing. This is me respecting me. So setting boundaries is really important, whether you do that unconsciously, well, not unconsciously, whether you do that, yeah, whether you do that unconsciously without realizing, or whether you have to think about these boundaries and what boundaries, what they whether you have to think about these boundaries and what these boundaries are for you. So I'd say go away and have a think. Like if it comes to where whichever area of life you feel like you people please the most, whether it's friendships, relationships, other areas of life, your career, think about what boundaries you want to set for yourself when it comes to these things. And when you actually stick to your boundaries, you're gonna feel so good about yourself. It's just like so redeeming knowing that you're working and putting the work in for you in the long term by sticking to your boundaries, and that's how you just feel less burnt out because you've set them for yourself. So step set boundaries, that's really important. Another way that we can stop people pleasing is practicing self-compassion and knowing your value, knowing your worth. So it's really difficult when you people please because there's a root root cause, and the root cause tends to be your fear of rejection or fear of letting people down. And I think that that comes into the same part of needing that self-compassion, needing to be nice to yourself and realize you're not going to be rejected, it's okay, and you deserve to say no, like it's fine. So practice self-compassion and be nice to yourself, but then also remember that you have value and you have more value than you're putting on yourself right now. So that comes with just reinforcing those thoughts into your head, speaking nicely to yourself and doing actions that show that you care about your own value rather than just rather than just putting yourself second, really, because that just doesn't show that you feel like you've got value, you know. So beyond everything, I just say focus on making sure that your self-worth isn't tied to others. So beyond everything, I just think it's so important to make sure your self-worth isn't tied to others because that's gonna help you so much in life. Now it's almost Valentine's Day. Now it's almost Valentine's Day, and Valentine's Day is an interesting day for those who are single and those in relationships. I am single this year for the second Valentine's Day in a row, and I'm not mad about it because personally I just want to be single. I'd rather die alone with my best friends and my dog than be with someone who I'd rather be alone and die alone, actually, with my best friends and my dog than be with someone who doesn't really want to be with me. Like, please, I don't want to be with you if you really aren't giving me exactly what I need in life. Like, it's high standards, but we all like that's kind of normal, you know? Like, high standards should be normal. I don't really see Valentine's Day as a bad day if you're single, but it can be really depressing and a reminder that you're not in a relationship, especially if you are looking for one. So I think it's important to remember that being single on Valentine's Day is so normal, and Valentine's Day is actually a day that's just used to be commercialized and for shops and retail to just make money, and it's also a day to remember your romance in a relationship, and if you are in a relationship, like that's so lovely, and you can celebrate that. I hope you have the best time. Um, give me tips on how to be in a relationship because it's been too long, help the girl out. But you know, if you feel like you have to put so much pressure on your relationship and it has to be perfect, and they have to buy you flowers and and they have to pay for the date and all these kinds of things, I think that it can almost be a strain on the relationship. Like you want to remember, it's important to remember that don't let Valentine's Day be a day that puts strain on your relationship because you have these expectations that you feel like they need to be filled. It's just another day, and it's a day to remember and celebrate your love and romance for one another, but it doesn't have to be like a letdown if you don't get the flowers or you don't get the you don't get the whatever it is, like the teddy bear in chocolates. Like honestly, everyone has their own expectations on Valentine's Day, so I'm not gonna comment on that, but I just think don't let Valentine's Day put a put a spa or put a I don't know what the word is, I can't think right now. I I've literally had four hours of sleep, guys. I can't believe I'm podcasting, I can't believe I'm awake. I feel like a skeleton right now, but the point is that don't let Valentine's Day make you feel like your relationship isn't enough or that you need to put more pressure on on your romance with the other person. It's just another day, and it doesn't need to be crazy. And if you're single, really embrace Valentine's Day because that's what it's there for, and I love that. And I'm gonna be doing that this year again, as I said. I think that Valentin I think that when it comes to I think that when you're single on Valentine's Day, if you are, it's important to remember. I think that if you really want a relationship and you're single on Valentine's Day, it is really difficult because you see all these couples holding hands and buying each other flowers on the streets, and you're like, genuinely, I can't look somewhere where there's not a couple, and it's exhausting and it's insufferable. But it's important to remember to yourself that you value your own peace more than just being with someone for the sake of being with someone. You want a meaningful relationship, not just a relationship for the sake of a relationship. That's me, that's me feeling this way, and you might not feel this way, and that's okay, but it's a little reminder that you're not alone, you've got tons of people, and it's just another day that people are trying to make money off of you in a way. So if you're single, girl, me too. And if you're a guy and you're single, like it's okay, we are all like gonna get someone one day, and I'm pretty sure of that. But if we don't, it's also fine because I'm happy to die alone with my best friends. Like, I know that sounds really morbid, but you get what I mean, right? I hope so. But that was just a small little rant about Valentine's Day, and I hope you guys enjoyed this episode. It was a little bit more of a projection on how I'm feeling about things at the moment, and I wanted to just have a little catch-up and touch base. But if you've got to the end of the episode and you've listened this far, thank you for listening. Like you're a real one. I respect and love you, and I am sending you the love through the mic right now, actually, for Valentine's Day. Actually, so I hope you have the best rest of your week and just don't stress about Valentine's Day. It's just another 24 hours. Go and do something fun with your friends, and honestly, forget about it. Put it out of your mind, and you'll forget it even happened. So, love you all. I hope you have the best rest of your week and see you next Wednesday. Bye.