24. Off the Rack or Custom-Made? Rethinking the Fit of Identity

Welcome back to 3D Authenticity! In today’s episode, Jennifer invites you to explore one of the most intimate and misunderstood parts of the human experience: Identity. 

If you’ve ever felt like you’re performing a version of yourself, shape-shifting to meet expectations, or living inside an identity that feels “fine” but not true, this episode is a powerful call to come home to yourself.

In this episode, Jennifer explores:

✅ How and why identity is Not your deepest self
✅ How the “clothing analogy” of fit, style, and function helps you understand identity
✅ The subtle toll of wearing hand-me-down identities from family, culture, or society
✅ What it feels like when identity truly fits
✅ How to begin crafting an identity that is custom-made for who you are today

Action Step for You:

Take a moment & ask yourself: Does the identity I’m wearing match who I am now?
Notice what feels tight, outdated, or borrowed and notice what feels like the perfect fit.

Begin reshaping your perception of yourself by thinking about yourself and thinking about yourself only if the ways the feel intentional and deeply true.

Ways to Connect

💜 Join the waitlist for Jennifer’s 3D Authenticity Group Coaching Program
💜 Follow Jennifer on Instagram @3dauthenticity
💜 Email: 3dauthenticity@gmail.com
💜 Download Jennifer's free guide: The High-Achiever's Identity Crisis: 10 Questions That Reveal Who You Actually Are Beneath the Achievements"

Join the Journey

If you’re ready to release an identity you inherited and step into something crafted intentionally, lovingly, and uniquely for you, hit subscribe. You’re exactly where you need to be!

Know who you are.  Love who you are.  Live who you are.

Transcript

Copy

Speaker 0:09

My name is Jennifer Wade, and this is 3D Authenticity where we talk about all things related to building a life in the real world that authentically reflects your core being. No matter if you're a chronic people-pleaser, or you're knee-deep in a major identity crisis. Or especially if you've given up believing you can have a deeply fulfilling life, it's time to learn how to love who you are and unapologetically live your one-of-a-kind life. Join me for a deep dive in how to do exactly that.

Speaker 0:43

Hello, my friends, and welcome back to another episode of 3D Authenticity. It is so good to be here talking with you today. I have missed this so much. Yeah, and I'm not gonna lie, it has been a struggle these last couple of months to find my sweet spot in terms of balance, like balancing my time and my energy and my projects. And yeah, I've really come up against my limits in terms of my capacity to pour myself deeply into multiple things at any given time. So yeah, I have had to put my energy into some other things, some musical side of life recently, but I am here, and I'm so glad for that. But, you know, it's been interesting. I have been reflecting that, you know, historically in my life, I've never been particularly good at doing the multitasking thing. Um, but recently I have had to come to terms with some real personal limitations, and I'll talk more about that in a moment. But what I can't help but think about this kind of pull to do multiple things, it makes me think of something I say to my friends often when, for example, they might be inviting me to hang out, but I know that I'm in need of some downtime. So I say to them, quite sincerely, you know, I'll say, My spirit is so willing, but I need a recharge. And for me, that recharge often looks just like being at home, puttering around, not really doing much of anything, but I'm in my introverted heaven at that point, right? But I feel like this concept of my spirit being willing applies in a much larger sense in my life right now. Um, it applies in how I'm trying to navigate the two main passions in my life, and that's music, like my playing and my quartet. And then on the other side, being a mentor and a coach and a guide in the authenticity space. And here, too, my spirit, my heart is so willing to give 100% to both sides. But as we all know, there's no such thing as 100% of ourselves that we can give to multiple things at any given time, right? There has to be some sort of give and take. So here I am. I find myself recently trying to navigate my way and to find how much of myself I can give to multiple things and just be okay with whatever that capacity is. And that last part is actually the harder part in some ways. That recognizing that 100% isn't possible. So being okay with what you can give. So I don't know if that resonates with you. But for me, the fact that I'm here with you today just really feels so good and so true. And I said it before, I really mean it. I have missed you, and it is such a pleasure to be back here sharing with you. So, with that in mind, let me tell you what I have in store for us today. I want to talk about one of the most fundamental and intimate and personal parts of the human experience. Simply put, I want to talk about identity, our sense of self, who we are at our core. And this is a topic that is central to my coaching. And not surprisingly, it's a theme that shows up over and over again in my own life. So, as far back as I can remember, truly, I have been captivated by the question: who are you? It is a haunting question for me. It's a fascinating question. And I think it's equally gripping whether I'm asking that question of myself or of someone else. And part of what makes it so gripping to me is that this question is essentially impossible to answer. It's impossible to answer it adequately about any single one of us because our answer will always only be a summary. No answer can fully explain or replace that lived experience of who we are. It just makes me think of the stark difference between like a photo of someone and the living, breathing reality of that person. The representation can be extraordinary, but in significant, fundamental ways, it will always pale next to the real thing. I know you know what I'm talking about. But here's the thing: we as humans still have this need to translate our sense of self to others. We have this need to communicate and express something of our internal experience. So basically, we need to identify ourselves, to differentiate ourselves, both for the benefit of others and for our own benefit as a tool for navigating our own way through life. So, the thing that we know as identity is a shorthand. It's this way of relatively quickly knowing ourselves and of being known and knowing others. So identity paints in really broad strokes, but they are meaningful and informative strokes. And I know this this will ring true. Identity is just so deeply personal, and it is inextricably woven into our experiences of everyday life. So much so that it is easy and incredibly common for us to believe that this shorthand, this like quick screenshot of who we are, is equivalent to our deepest sense of self. So essentially, I think it's really easy to fall into the trap of believing that our identity is who we are at our core. But this just isn't the case. I want each and every one of us to understand that identity is a layer of self that we use to move through the world. And I think of it like clothing. You wouldn't go out into the world without that layer of clothing, right? But the clothes aren't you. And in the same way, your identity isn't you per se, but it's as close to that core being as it is possible to get without knowing you from the inside out. So the numerous facets of identity, there are so many. They communicate a great deal about who we are very quickly, just like a wardrobe communicates something important about who we are. But again, we need to know ourselves as something deeper. Beneath the second skin of identity, beneath that is where our truest self is found. Your being, you at your core, you are the awareness behind the identity. You are the one who chooses and discerns and evolves. You are the one who knows your experience every moment of it. So today's episode is really about stepping back into that seat of the innermost self and using the wisdom and the awareness and the knowing that we find there to construct a meaningful and true identity for ourselves. Again, like clothing, if the identity you wear fits, you will just naturally feel more confident and more at ease. And when it doesn't fit, everything feels off. It feels more disconnected, more draining. So by the end of this episode, I hope, if I do my job right, I hope you will walk away with a clearer and kinder understanding of identity and the importance of being sure that this kind of second skin of identity is not one that was just handed down to you by your family or mass-produced by society's expectations. Your identity deserves your conscientious choice. So let's jump right in. Now, as I mentioned, identity is not your core self. It's not your soul, it's not your spirit, it's not your innermost sense of self, even though we often confuse it for those things. Identity is the layer that is just outside of your awareness. It's the layer just beyond your felt experience of you being a being. I know that that's a little abstract, but bear with me. Identity is what you put on, like clothing, to move through the world. It is the most immediate outer expression of your inner being. And just like clothing, it's something you choose, consciously or unconsciously, to help you navigate the environments and the expectations around you. Now, here's the thing. Most of us, of course, would never confuse a shirt or pair of jeans with our literal self. We know it's not who we are, but if someone asked you to wear something that didn't fit, either physically or stylistically, you would probably feel awkward or out of place, maybe even embarrassed, right? So identity works the same way. When the identity that you are wearing doesn't fit because it was just something you inherited, or it's an identity that was just expected of you, or if it's just an outdated identity. When your identity doesn't fit you, something feels off on the most fundamental level of your life. And the fact is that we carry identity nearly everywhere we go. So if it's ill-fitting, it will affect nearly every moment of your waking life. Now you may not even know what's wrong. You'll just know that something feels misaligned or disconnected. Or maybe you're just a little more tired than you feel like you should be. And that is because it is emotionally draining to bend yourself to fit a false identity. But on the other side of things, when your identity does fit, when it reflects your values and your needs, your current stage of life, your genuine interests and passions, everything feels easier. There's just a natural confidence, a groundedness. It's like a comfort in moving through the world as you instead of performing some version of yourself that was just handed to you. So as we keep moving through this episode, I invite you to reflect on whether or not the identity you are wearing right now feels like it fits. Or does it feel like something someone wanted you to wear? Or an identity that someone expected you to wear. So bear with me here for a bit. I do want to keep going with this clothing analogy. I like to talk about it in the terms of, I think there are three parallels between the clothes we wear, our wardrobe, and identity. So in order for us to feel our best in the clothes we wear, think about it, we need to consider the fit, the style, and then the function. So I want to talk about each of those things and talk about how it relates to identity. So let's start with that first one. Let's start with fit. Now, hopefully, every one of you, my dear listeners, has had that feeling when you put on an item of clothing that's just right. It like hugs your body the right way. It doesn't pinch, doesn't sag or ride up in weird ways. It just moves easily with you, right? You're not adjusting it all day, it just works. So that's what we want from identity too. Your identity should fit you. It should be made to fit your temperament. It should fit your natural preferences. It should be made to accommodate your specific and unique needs. Your identity should work with your nervous system and not against it. And it should work with your energy rhythms and cycles, not against them. And that one feels really personal for me, let me tell you. Ideally, your identity should feel like a seamless second skin and not a costume that you're constantly adjusting or trying to hold in place. But the thing is that so many of us do end up trying to squeeze into identities that were never really shaped for us. Maybe someone just told you that being easygoing was going to be more likable. So that's how you tried to be. But maybe you're just naturally assertive. Or maybe you grew up being praised for your independence. So you just learned how to hide, that you longed for deep connection, that you wanted community. Or maybe you felt the expectation to throw yourself deeply into multiple things at once and do it all at the highest level possible, but you just don't have the natural energy reserves to do it all perfectly all the time. Any one of those examples is like trying to force yourself into a jacket that pulls across the shoulders every time you breathe. So eventually you'll stop moving around as much, or you just have to take more shallow breaths to make it work. And who wants that? In a similar way, though, any identity that forces you to change something about what is natural and true for you isn't a beautiful or honest shorthand for who you are. It isn't a lovely snapshot to show the world. It's a distortion at its best, and it's a flat-out lie at its worst. If your identity doesn't fit you, the real, true, honest shape of you, your entirety, is just not gonna feel good. And even if no one else can tell on the surface, you will know, you will feel it. So, okay, let's move on to the second parallel, shall we? Style. When it comes to clothing, style, of course, is how we express who we are or how we want to be seen. So it's not just about covering our body, right? It's about what speaks to us and what we want to say. Yeah, there's color, there's texture, there's shape, there's accessories. It's we're trying to create like a feeling behind the outfit, and that sends a larger message than just the individual pieces. And again, the same thing goes for identity. This is where that level of values lives. Your beliefs, your quirks, your lived experiences, both positive and negative. And that includes things like your sense of humor, your culture, your taste. This is the style of your identity. And it is so deeply personal. But the tragedy is that so many of us tone down this part of our identity because it feels risky, right? So we try to stay neutral, we try to blend in to not stand out. We want to be palatable so that we can always be accepted. We become the identity version of beige. And listen, beige can be beautiful if you choose it. If that feels truly authentic to you, go for it, my friends, with my blessings. But if you're wearing a beige cookie-cutter identity because you're afraid your boldness is too much, or you're afraid that your overflowing empathy makes you look weak in someone else's eyes. Or if you're afraid of starting a business that you've dreamed about since you were a kid only because your parents believe that job security is the most important thing, you are hiding behind a false, inauthentic identity. Now that's not to say it doesn't make sense. Trust me, the reasons for hiding sometimes are compelling. Being real is vulnerable. But you will never know what it is like to move through your life with more ease and comfort and trust if you keep playing the hiding game. The expressive part of identity, that unique way of being, is where meaning lives. It's where joy lives. It's what makes someone else see you and go, oh, yes, that is so you. Does that make sense? Okay, one more parallel to go, and this one is extremely important. Okay, well, they all are, I know, but this one will make a lot of sense and will help you understand yourself better. So, parallel number three, function. Despite the emergence of mass production, mass-produced clothing, we know that clothing isn't actually one size fits all. And it's not one style fits all the time either, right? You wouldn't ever wear your hiking boots to a black tie event. Well, unless it's a very particular crowd, in which case, good for you. You do you. But you wouldn't probably wear pajamas to a job interview, and you probably wouldn't wear your heaviest winter sweater to a pool party in the middle of summer, right? So your wardrobe and the items you wear, they change depending on what you're doing. And that's not inauthentic, that's just functional. And again, identity is the same. You will, understandably, show up a little differently when you're giving a presentation than when you're curled up on the couch with your best friend. We all tap into different aspects of ourselves depending on the environment. I mean, think about the differences between a family gathering versus like a solo creative retreat. That there you're gonna be different in those instances, but that doesn't make one version or the other of you fake. So, what I am saying is that identity must have flexibility and serve its function in order to be authentic. Not only may the way you turn up need to be a little different based on your day-to-day circumstances, your identity will also naturally evolve and change or grow over time. Parts of you will still feel the same in your 40s as they did in your 20s, but assuredly, parts of you will feel different over time. So give yourself permission to evolve, to let something new emerge in you. If you try to maintain an identity that doesn't suit where you are in life, whether that be in your small day-to-day moments or the bigger chapters of your life, you will not be serving yourself. You will not be caring for your deepest needs. So, the good news is that you can be smart about identity. You can be intentional about identity, and you can use different parts of your identity to meet the needs of the moment in the same way that you would grab a raincoat when it's storming or a sundress when it's hot out. Just different expressions, but the same self. So when all three elements of identity that fit, right, the style and the function, when all three of those are in place, identity becomes something that is wildly natural and comfortable and unique, just as unique as you are. Knowing yourself and loving yourself at this level is truly the foundation of an authentic life. So now, all of this has been building up to the major point I want to make today. The truth is that the vast majority of us, through no fault of our own, are wearing hand-me-down one size fits all identities. We inherit roles and expectations and belief systems from the families and communities that we grew up in. That's just part of being human. We inherit identities from our cultures and society at large. And it is so easy for us to deeply absorb norms, both of them that can be both spoken and unspoken, about how someone like us should be based on our gender, our race, our body type, our upbringing, even what generation we belong to. Just think about all the typecasting we hear about in terms of like Gen Z and boomers. The thing is that human beings deeply internalize rules about what makes someone valuable and desirable and successful and good. But so many of those norms are stories, or trends, ways of being that we did not intentionally choose. They were handed to us, they were just handed to us, folded up neatly, like laundry, and passed down like here, wear this. It's what we've always worn. And for a while, for many of us, that works. We become really good at performing the version of ourselves that gets praise, that feels safe, and that doesn't rock the boat. And we get really good at convincing ourselves that we're okay that way, that life is fine, even if we know that something doesn't quite feel right. But I want you to hear this. Just because something works doesn't mean it fits. Even the best-fitting hand-me-down cannot compare to something that was made just for you. Think about custom-made clothing, like a bespoke suit or a beautifully tailored blazer. It isn't just about luxury, it's about how it fits you and only you. It accounts for your actual measurements and your shape, your posture. A custom piece is made for your preferences, your style, and obviously it's made for whatever function you need it for. It is the perfect thing. Custom-made clothing feels right because it hasn't been made to accommodate or fit anyone else. And again, identity is no different. You deserve to craft and live by an identity that is yours and yours alone. Imagine the sense of ease and alignment that comes when you show up in the world in a way that honors your lived experience. One that actually celebrates your temperament and your needs and capacities. A perfectly fitting identity reflects your actual values, your voice, your vision for your life, not someone else's ideas of what's appropriate or attractive or impressive. Surely this is making sense. The thing about hand-me-downs or off-the-rack identities is that they might pass, they do work to a point, they might even earn praise, but they will never feel as good as custom-made. They will never feel like home. And your life, your one life, is far too precious to spend feeling like you're just getting by in someone else's version of what life should be. But here's the thing: you have to be your own tailor. Nobody else will ever get the experience of you the way you do. So you and you alone have the responsibility of crafting that authentic identity for yourself. One that is functional and expressive of who you are and fits perfectly to who you are in whatever season of life you're in. So, yes, this takes work, but it is so worth it. I really want you to know that when your identity is built on the truth of who you are, life just feels better. Period. That's the power of authenticity. That's the power of knowing yourself deeply, and then actually accepting that person. So I just hope so much that something in this episode is speaking to you. I hope it will give you the nudge to reflect on who you are at your core and whether or not the life you're leading matches that inner being. This is such important and beautiful work, and I am here to help you with that in any way that I can. So, with that, my friends, I think it is time for me to wrap this up today. And let me say, as always, how much it means to me that you have chosen to spend time here with me today. I am deeply grateful for you, and I'm such a big believer in you and what is possible for you. And if today's topic stirred something in you, I want you to give yourself the time and space to explore it further. There's just no doubt in my mind that it is trying to lead you to an important discovery about yourself. And of course, remember, you do not have to untangle all of that on your own. There's so much support and community waiting for you, especially in my small group coaching program. And you can, in that program, you can get all the tools you need, you can get the coaching support you need, and you meet special, beautiful people who are also serious about doing the work just like you. It's just precious. So if that sounds good, I want you to add your name to the wait list so that you will get all the information you need when I open the doors for the next cohort. And being on that wait list does not mean you're committing, so don't worry, but it does mean that you get the chance to claim your spot before anyone else. And you can also sign up for my email list if you want. And if you do, you'll get my free Stay True to You Reflection journal. So I will link all of that up in the show notes. And in the meantime, come find me on Instagram at 3D Authenticity. I just can't wait. To hear from you. So, until the next time, you beautiful souls, please take care of yourself and do what you can to take care of the people around you. Be well, and bye for now.