When Life Loses Its Color: And Finding Your Way Back.

I felt so stuck, so disconnected, and like I had lost myself again. I was just trying to claw my way out of the box.

Have you ever felt this way?

Where everything looks good on the outside, but inside you feel so empty and lost? Like you’re going through the motions, but you don’t feel like yourself anymore?

This episode dives deep into that feeling.

Sally and I both share personal stories about moments where we felt like we lost the color in our lives. Where life started to feel empty again, and how we began finding our way back and rewriting our stories.

Because this life is meant to be experienced fully. Felt fully.

I think sometimes we wear this badge of honor that says, “I’m just surviving. I’m just making it.”

But what if that’s not the only way?

What if you let yourself play again?

What if you remembered what it feels like to feel the magic?

To feel alive?

To let the color come back into your life?

In this episode, we invite you to make a list of the things that would help your life feel more colorful again…

And then choose one.

Do it today.

As always, thank you for watching sunsets with us. 

Transcript

Copy Transcript Copied

SPEAKER_01 0:00

I felt so paralyzed, so mentally drained, so stuck. And I felt like I forgot who I was again. I was trapped so deep in the box again. And I was like just trying to claw my way out.

SPEAKER_00 0:17

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 0:18

That's where I was. And it's wild to think that I was there again because I was like, I felt like I was finally out.

SPEAKER_00 0:27

Uh-huh.

SPEAKER_01 0:27

But like I've been here before. Yeah. And so it was like, wait a second. But I think the part that we forget is now you have awareness. And so I had the awareness of like, okay, I'm in this again. I'm in this again. I'm looping again. I feel stuck again.

SPEAKER_00 0:44

But what like physically did it prevent you from doing?

SPEAKER_01 0:49

Oh, so so let's just start with the backstory. So I like started this new position, which I was really excited for. And it did feel like the next step. And and it wasn't like it was like a bad like position. It was, you know, doing like online fitness training. And it was like like not this bad thing, but it just wasn't what I was supposed to be doing. So something that even looked pretty from the outside for me, it was so out of alignment. And I was like told like how to post, kind of, and like what I need to be saying, and and just felt so just stuck physically, mentally, emotionally, that I started losing pieces of myself again. Does that make sense?

SPEAKER_00 1:31

So did you feel like it was almost being dictated who you should show up as?

SPEAKER_01 1:36

Yes. And I don't even know if they were portraying it that way, or if it was just my reality being projected on to like crap, this is what they need from me. This is what they want from me.

SPEAKER_00 1:45

So this is who they want me to be. So I this is how I have to show up. Yeah. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 1:48

So in order for me to be seen as worthy and like, you know, a part of the group, then I have to morph into this. And if not, I'm going to be left behind. And then what else would there be?

SPEAKER_00 2:00

Yeah. And then I'm not going to be good at this. And then I'm not going to be right for this job. And then they might not like me. And then they might want me to not be here. And yeah.

SPEAKER_01 2:10

And then I think I won't be the good girl. And then I think that worthiness wound of like, I won't be seen as somebody that is something. Like, you know, I was still grasping for outside of me to be like, okay, see everybody. Now I'm a part of something. See, I'm something. Do you see me?

SPEAKER_00 2:26

Right. Right. Yeah. Like it's so. And so how did that affect the way you showed up?

SPEAKER_01 2:32

Oh. Well, at first I just thought it was like affecting me, just how I was showing up kind of online, you know. I just felt very disconnected from my voice, like what I was sharing. I was like, this is not me, but I I don't know like how to get back over to this side while still being a part of this. But then the the gut puncher was when my family started being like, like my daughter, she's she just graduated, but she was like, Mom, like this isn't you. She's like, you're losing what makes you you. And she's like, What made you you is why people showed up and why people like she's like, You're you're losing that piece of you that and so that was like, oh my gosh, my daughter's seeing, and then my husband was like, Corey, it's causing so much stress. Like, you're it's taking away from your family, you're so focused on just like staring at your phone and trying to come up with the perfect post, trying to do like make sure it fits into this. And he was like, If this is so derailing for you and so causing you so much, maybe it's time to take a step back. Because that's something I've been wanting to do, but I wasn't giving myself permission because I was like, but I can't let something that looks so pretty on the outside, but feels so yucky on the inside go. Because does that make sense?

SPEAKER_00 3:55

Yes. Because you felt like this package that was presented to you at first was like the perfect fit for you. Yeah. And you were like honored that they wanted you to be a part of it. Yes. And then like choosing to be more yourself and veer off from the message that they were asking you to create, you know, to like be on their brand was so far away from what you were actually feeling and being that it was like you felt like you were giving yourself up. You're almost like betraying yourself a little bit.

SPEAKER_01 4:34

Yeah, it was like I was playing two different worlds, and I was like, hey, I can be this here, but then I need to be this here. And it was the the betraying myself because once my kids started seeing it and my husband, yeah, and I realized this is taken from the very reason why I show up and I do the things that I do. And even going to the gym, something that I love, moving my body became something that I was like, I really don't even want to be here because it just nothing was feeling. And I was like, I kept going through the motions because okay, I know, like I can't just stop doing this because I know how movement helps me feel. And so it was like, I could, I just I wasn't like, I'm not just gonna stop doing these things that I know nourish me, but it was like I have to start releasing what is no longer meant to be in my life and be okay with letting it go so I can come back into alignment. And alignment doesn't mean everything's perfect, I'm in this perfect posture. It just means that I'm able to feel life again. I think that's what it was. I was starting to not feel life again, and I didn't want to lose. Because you weren't allowed to be yourself.

SPEAKER_00 5:42

It was like it's kind of like when someone like we've we've gone over this a bunch of times, but when someone calls you weird when you're little, yeah, and then you try to conform to what other people will not think is weird. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 5:57

And it's nothing against like them, they're all amazing people. The company's amazing. Like, I'm not here to be like, you know, no, it was but it just wasn't a good fit for you. No, like it was it's funny because at first, you know, it felt good. And I was like, okay, like this is fun. I'm doing something again. And I feel like I was meant to go on this journey of like kind of like filling into this again of like, is this what I actually want? Is this how I want it to look? Right. And so I think that's what that journey was of like, you know, learning a lot. Because I did learn a lot. Like I'm super grateful for like the knowledge and the girls and everything, and who I I did become somebody because of it, but I did learn a lot about myself. And I learned about yeah, I this doesn't feel good, and this isn't how I this isn't what my soul is calling me to. And the more I kept denying that and pushing it down and trying to be like, it's fine, it's fine, it's fine. The voice kept getting louder, and I kept trying to suppress it more until it would just like explode, and then I was like, what is going on? Why does everything feel like it's all over again and the balloon just popped and there's confetti everywhere? But it's not fun, it's not fun, right?

SPEAKER_00 7:09

Right. Yeah, and I what I'm realizing, and tell me if you feel this way too, I'm realizing is like 99% of people I feel like are not having fun doing what they're doing for work. Oh my gosh, yes, and I don't want to be one of those anymore. Yes, I'm like I'm like, okay, so I've found things that feel fun that I can charge money for, and it feels like it's nourishing my soul instead of depleting it. So why would I not be doing that?

SPEAKER_01 7:50

Yeah. Do you do you feel like maybe too? And I think maybe this starts when we become mothers or just like growing up seeing moms, is like it's this almost this generational story of like we're just meant to be in survival mode and we're meant to just completely just shut down all pieces of us because that means we're a good mom. And then it kind of just translates into other areas of our life. Well, I'm just this is fine. I'm just supposed to be surviving, like it is what it is. Do you kind of feel that way?

SPEAKER_00 8:20

I do, and I feel like a lot of that is this idea of like being a good wife and a good mom, or being a good partner, being a good friend, where you have to do everything for everyone else and nothing for yourself.

SPEAKER_01 8:39

Yes, yes. That's I think both of us have felt this that why do we keep passing that story down when it doesn't? We don't have to. My daughter actually, this is a prime example. Um, sh I we got invited to like go on a trip with some friends, and I haven't left my four-year-old yet, but it was only just gonna be for like an overnight. But still, I was like, well, I need to be here to take care of this and take care of this and take care of this. And she was like, Mom, I want to see you pouring into yourself. I want to see you doing things for you. She's like, it makes me happy to see you happy. And I don't think we realize that our kids also want to see us happy. They don't just want to see us surviving, they want to see us happy and they care so deeply about us as much as we care about them that but we are like, no, no, no, like I just have to do this when they can feel it, they can feel when you're just there and they can feel when you're fully alive.

SPEAKER_00 9:36

And I think we can see that in our friends too, right? Oh my god, talking about having a deeper relationship and a deeper conversation with women, and it's like you like you said to me today that you could feel the aliveness in my voice when we were talking before we got on. And I think that not only does that make you happy for your friend or make you happy for your mother or sister or you know, whoever, but also it gives them permission to be happy.

SPEAKER_01 10:11

That's it. It's it's crazy how you know, seeing you go and do this. And yeah, I could, Sally, I could feel like your energy and your aliveness and the fun, and just I I couldn't, we were on the phone, I couldn't physically see your eyes, but I could feel how lit up you were. Like I could feel it. And like you said, it gives, I think we forget that that it gives other women, other girls, our daughters, permission to start writing a new story.

SPEAKER_00 10:40

Yes, yes, to break that tradition of we can't be ourselves or do for ourselves or have fun, like having fun is selfish and all that stuff. And and also I would just like to say that even though like you went through this whole period where you were stuck and felt like posting on social media was inauthentic to yourself and it wasn't fun anymore. And now I think feel like you've turned a corner and um are showing up really authentically as yourself, and you were saying it feels so much different, it feels fun again. Yes, and I think that it's all cyclical, right? Like we learn these things like now I'm doing something that I really like, but I'm stuck with posting because I've been out of it for so long. So it's like all cyclical, but I think when we can, and then we talked like fine, just post something that's fun, don't overthink it. And so let's talk about a little bit about how we can get out of our overthinking brains and into our body to have more fun.

SPEAKER_01 11:51

Yeah, and I think that's where the magic started coming back for me is when I was like, wait a second, I can start having fun again. And like you said, out of your body or out of your head and into your body. Something that's huge for me. And I didn't realize I kind of like I've always liked playing, but I didn't realize how much I actually love like playing. Take like something I've been doing for the past, I would say probably like year is every day I make sure I play. I I don't even care if it's just like five minutes, but that gets me into my body. Like play literally gets me out of that like chaotic head. And when I'm truly present with playing, whether it's playing like Mario Kart with my whole family, and we're just laughing and having a good time, or I'm outside in the mud with my four-year-old, and we're we did that today. We built a Dino Island out of mud, or we're jumping on, you know, the trampoline or putting on a song. It's it's play, play even while you're taking a walk, like just fully being in your experience.

SPEAKER_00 12:58

Stop and smell the roses, yes, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 13:01

Yeah, because it's it's crazy because there was a time in my life where life didn't really have color. There was color, but I couldn't like I couldn't really feel the color, and I couldn't really see the color. And like the grass was grass, but I was like, I I can't feel it like I used to feel it.

SPEAKER_00 13:20

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 13:21

And you know, like when we were kids, everything felt like you could feel everything. The mat like I can see it, my four-year-old, everything has this just filling of magic and play and wonder. And so there was a period when I was just like, nothing has color anymore. I can't feel life, like I can't. And that that scared me because I've had dude for two different periods. I had that period, and then I came back online, and then I went through something really, really hard that kind of the color started losing itself again. And I was like, okay, I can't. How what can I do? Which for me, it's it was like playing again. My breath work, um, moving my body to connect to her, nature, um, creating, creating. Oh, creating just to create. Yeah. How about you? Like, what's what are your feels on all of that?

SPEAKER_00 14:13

Yeah, that's a great question because I feel like I've been, yeah, where you just feel numb and like nothing feels good and nothing feels bad, and it just all feels black. Yeah, and so I think for me, um it's been finding purpose.

SPEAKER_01 14:34

Oh my gosh, that just hit me.

SPEAKER_00 14:37

So I I and I feel like that that is something we can overthink too. Yeah. But doing things like, like you said, like moving your body with the intention of just feeling it and not, you know, cursing it or checking off your change it or fix it. Yeah, just like like going outside and going for like a relaxed walk and looking at the flowers. Yeah. Like is one big way for me.

SPEAKER_01 15:05

Yeah. Like, do you find that that that helps you like feel like out of your head and like feel into your body again? Like, even if it's just for a moment.

SPEAKER_00 15:14

I feel like I I get so many ideas in those moments. Oh my god, I get so much creativity flowing because I've gotten out of my overthinking brain and just just relaxed, you know, just like chill out.

SPEAKER_01 15:28

Yeah, like you feel like for me, it's always my body's like able to exhale. Like I've been like, oh my gosh, when why haven't I like let my body exhale? Why have I felt so tight and like I'm carrying everything? And right, and like you said, like helps you like that creative peace comes back on. We're meant to be in creation. We're right, we're supposed to be in creation and creating. It doesn't have to be like I create for my job, but it could be right, I paint just because it brings me joy, I write poetry, you know, like whatever creation doesn't even have to just be that. It could be whatever you want it to be, but we're meant to be in creation.

SPEAKER_00 16:07

Well, I read something that really hit me one day. It was an affirmation card, and it said, I am the co-creator of my life. Oh, yeah. Like we're supposed to be co-created in conjunction, you know, yes, with God and the universe and like writing our story and designing our life. But sometimes I think we get so in the weeds that we don't realize we can.

SPEAKER_01 16:35

Like our life gets to be art.

SPEAKER_00 16:38

Yes.

SPEAKER_01 16:39

And yeah, we are, I I feel that too. We're the God, the universe, whatever you feel connected to, wants to be in co-creation with us. But I feel like we cut it off. We're like, uh-uh, I'll do this when the kids are older. I'll do this when this falls into place, when the very thing that's going to help you feel alive and energized is going to be dropping out of your head and into your body and getting back into the creation and the play and the very things that God created for us to experience, which is like nature and the people we love and that true deep connection, that yeah, being in your life, not just doing your life, but you're like fully like being in it. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 17:24

Like, so I think that's um maybe a good place to give a little assignment. Like, can you make a list of things that would make your life feel more colorful instead of like you're living in black and white?

SPEAKER_01 17:40

Oh my gosh. I got full body body chills when you said that. Make your life feel more colorful again. That's that's it. That's make a list of things that would help your life feel more colorful again. And and then pick one. Yeah. And try it out. Do one today.

SPEAKER_00 17:59

Yeah. It doesn't have to be anything big. It doesn't have to be, you know, a big trip or a big deal or something you have to spend money on. Just what one little thing.

SPEAKER_01 18:08

And I like how you said do it today, because I think for me, I used to be like, well, I will do that. Right. Create some time today to get out of your head, into your body, write down things that'll help my life feel more colorful again. And pick one, just a simple one, and do it. Do it today. And then come share with us. Come message us. Come create that community that we're all craving. We're craving community. That's why we do this.

SPEAKER_00 18:40

Yeah. Comment on our post what you did or some things that are on your list.

SPEAKER_01 18:44

Yeah. Maybe we can post on the our story with a question box of like, um, if you listen to our podcast, what did you do? Like, what did you add to your list? Okay. Yes. All right. All right. Awesome. Okay, well, I'm totally back in my body after this conversation. Yeah. Totally. I feel very like inspired and lit up and connected. And I think instead of just being like, well, I felt that while I listened to the podcast, it's like, okay, what do I get to do with this? What do I want to grow from this? That's that's making that list. I'm gonna make a list because I can always add a little bit more color to my life. And I want the yumminess. I want to feel this human experience fully. Yes.

SPEAKER_00 19:29

And leave room at the end of your list so that when you think of other things, you can keep adding to it.

SPEAKER_01 19:34

Yes. Oh my gosh, yes. Okay. Well, this was everything I needed.

SPEAKER_00 19:38

Yes, me too. Thank you.

SPEAKER_01 19:40

Yeah, no, thank you. Thank you, Sally, for holding space for me for listening. Um, thank you, listeners, for just listening and um messaging us and creating this community and just being willing to be open with your journey. Um, so okay. How does that feel? That feels complete to me. Good, good. Well, you guys are always welcome here. This is a space, this is a space for you to come to feel seen, heard, um, and just felt and just reminded that life is not meant to be just survived, that we get to fully live. So make your list of color, find those things that bring back the color in your life again. And you guys are loved beyond words. We love you all. And yeah, thank you for watching Sunsets with us. Thank you. Bye.