079 Kirby Walker and conflict management
- What happens when a workplace conflict gets so intense that the boss finally brings in a psychologist—and why does that psychologist’s plan begin with something as simple as buying lunch?
- How can a $2,000 conversation solve a problem that months of tension and frustration couldn’t fix?
- And what if the key to restoring peace in an office—or a family, or a church—is hidden in one courageous step that most of us never take?
- In today’s episode, you’ll hear why the employees in a Mississippi dental office burst into tears when they finally heard the path forward… and how their story reveals a leadership principle so practical—and so powerful—that it mirrors the steps Jesus outlined 2,000 years ago.
- This is the story Dr. Kirby Walker told me more than a decade ago, and I’ve repeated it many times because it continues to teach, challenge, and remind us what genuine conflict resolution really requires.
I met Kirby Walker in 2010 when I was working with the Collegeside church in Cookeville, Tennessee. He attended on a Sunday. Shortly after that, he invited me to lunch. We enjoyed many good visits.
One day, he told me a story I've repeated many times.
He was a dentist in Jackson, Mississippi, for 30 years. He said he enjoyed his work. He helped people feel better. He made it possible for some to look better.
But he said one thing that bothered him was that the people in his office didn't get along, and he ended up in the middle of their disputes.
One day, he’s having lunch with a former professor from his dental school. He told him about two ladies in his office who were having a conflict. The professor said, "I have a psychologist friend who might help you with that." He introduced Kirby to his friend.
Kirby met with him and told him his situation. The psychologist said, "Yes, I can help you with that.”
Kirby said, "How much will it cost?”
The psychologist replied, “$2000.00”
Kirby said, "That's a bargain. When can you start?”
They agreed that he’d come to Kirby's office at lunch on Friday and explain how they could solve the problem.
Kirby introduced him and asked him to explain the solution to their conflict.
He said, "I understand that two of you ladies are having a problem with each other.”
They agreed they were.
He said, "Here’s your assignment for this week. The two of you go to a restaurant and eat lunch together. Explain why you're not getting along with each other and what you might do to solve it. When you pay for the meal, bring the receipt to the office, and the office manager will reimburse you for the total bill — the meal, tax, and tip. Next week, report back to this meeting and tell us how that went.”
The following week, the entire office staff came together again. The psychologist asked, "How did your lunch go? And did you work out your problem?”
The two ladies agreed they couldn’t resolve the dispute.
The psychologist proceeded, "Tell us your problem, and the group’ll make some suggestions on how you might work out your disagreement. During the week, apply some of the suggestions the group made and report back next week on how you’re progressing.”
The following week, the two ladies said they hadn’t made progress on resolving the issues that divided them.
The psychologist explained the next step. "This week, make another effort to find peace between yourselves. If there is no solution by then, I’ll pass out a card for each person in the office to write the name of whoever needs to leave this office to have peace. It could be either one of you or both of you. Dr. Kirby won’t have a vote. The office staff will decide who needs to leave in order to have peace in this office.”
Kirby told me, "That's when the ladies started crying.”
They met again the following week. The ladies said they hadn’t resolved their conflict. The cards were distributed. The result was that the people in the office said a certain one of the ladies needed to leave to restore peace.
Kirby paid the departing assistant for unused vacation days and two weeks severance.
He said that was the last problem he had, or at least that he knew of. He said it could’ve been that many of them had problems, went to lunch, discussed it, and solved the issue. He never checked the records to see if he’d paid for anyone else's lunch. But he said that if they did, he was happy because they had peace from then on.
Dr. Walker told me that he knew the principles were working when one day his dental assistant told him after a patient left, "Dr. Walker, you and I need to have lunch together.”
He continued, "We went to a restaurant, ordered lunch, and while we were waiting, she told me what concerned her.”
She said, "Dr. Walker, you have every right and a responsibility to correct me anytime I make a mistake. But I am requesting that you never correct or criticize me in front of a patient again. Will you agree to do that?”
Kirby agreed to grant her request. They had lunch, returned to the office, and never had another dispute as long as he worked as a dentist in Jackson, Mississippi.
Observations: what can we learn from this story?
Does this story sound familiar?
Jesus discussed conflict resolution:
If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have gained your brother. But if he does not listen, take one or two others along with you, that every charge may be established by the evidence of two or three witnesses. If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church. And if he refuses to listen even to the church, let him be to you as a Gentile and a tax collector. — Matthew 18:15-17
When a principle is true, it works in families, churches, businesses, and softball teams.
A leader shows how humble, committed, and honest he is when he’s willing to go by the rules he sets for others.
