Dealing with difficult people

 Everyone's had at least one person who's made ministry harder than it had to be. In this episode, I share painful moments—from constant criticism to being asked to resign minutes before worship.

It's also good to learn how to respond without becoming bitter or difficult myself.

I tell those stories and share the hard-earned principles that helped me move from simply enduring difficult people to dealing with them wisely.

The best day of the week to fire a preacher

Why would anybody do that? 

How to accept, invite, and enjoy criticism

3 ways I helped get myself fired

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If you'd like to discuss your roofing needs, call Jerrie Wayne Barber, II, at 931.628.3390

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Transcript

O86 Dealing with Difficult People

Everyone's had at least one person who's made ministry harder than it had to be. In this episode, I share painful moments—from constant criticism to being asked to resign minutes before worship. 

It's also good to learn how to respond without becoming bitter or difficult myself.

I tell those stories and share the hard-earned principles that helped me move from simply enduring difficult people to dealing with them wisely.

I begin by saying I’ve had few people who aggravated me constantly. I’ll be discussing some people who brought pain for a time and how I dealt with each.

As a young preacher, a man came by the church building each Saturday to talk. At that time, I worked seven days a week. It didn’t occur to me to be not to be there Saturday morning. He wouldn’t come up to my office on the second floor. He sat on the third step. His visit consisted of telling me about good preachers who I was not as good as. His speech was consistent: “Tom Holland and Alan Highers’ enunciate and pronounce words clearly. They arrange their thoughts in a logical manner.”

What I heard him say was, “You don’t talk plain and you’re not well organized.”

I did nothing but endure — week, after week, after week.

Two ladies came at 1:00 each Friday afternoon to clean the building. They commented on the previous Sunday’s sermon loudly. One was in the front of the building, the other in the back.

Following a Sunday sermon on giving, they repeated, “These young people think you can just give, and give, and give. You can’t just give, and give, and give. Some day they’ll learn you can’t just give, and give, and give.”

After a few weeks, I realized no one told me I had to be in the building at 1:00 Friday afternoon. I started visiting the hospital Friday afternoon. That’s progress. 

The most painful experience in my preaching history occurred December 19, 1976. I’d taught my Bible class in the basement and walked upstairs for the morning service. One of the elders said, “Brother Jerrie, will you step into the office?” I cooperated. His next statement: “Brother Jerrie, I think it would be good if you’d think about resigning this morning.” That’d never entered my mind. The first song we sang was, “Anywhere Is Home.”  I preached my sermon, went home, ate lunch, told Gail I’d been fired, went to a deacon’s house, cried a good part of the afternoon, preached that night, and started making calls to find a place to preach. I did learn a great lesson and it provided material for a blog post and podcast episode: “The Best Day to Fire Your Preacher: how not to distract a preacher immediately before worship begins” I’ll put a lnk in the shownotes for that episode.      https://www.buzzsprout.com/2369804/episodes/15436003 

At another congregation, a man was appointed as an elder who thought I had too much power. He didn’t talk it out. He and the other elders acted it out. Soon after he’s appointed, I’s excluded from many elders’ meetings. My suggestions were rarely considered. The rules had changed. I wrote two epistles to the elders asking for an explanation. They said nothing had changed. After about a year and a half, thinking and praying for wisdom, and seeking wise counsel, I told the elders I was ready to leave. We set up a workshop with a counselor, talked about why I was leaving, when and how to announce it, and carried out the plan. There was no conflict in the congregation. I’ve been blessed. The congregation did well after I left. 

As I’s preparing to begin one of my interims, a brother sent out an email with false information. He was irritated at the elders of the church where I was going and advised me not to work with’em. I called him. I said, “I received an email with your name on it. Did you write it?” He replied he did. I told him it was false information and asked his source. He said two deacons told him that’s what the two elders said in an elder-deacon meeting. 

I asked him, “Do you trust the elders to tell the truth?” He said he didn’t. 

I said, “Let me get this straight. You received hearsay information from two deacons who quoted two elders you don’t trust to tell the truth. And you sent that information in an email as fact. I don’t understand.”

After about an hour, this brother who is impeccable in his soundness and faithfulness, apologized for sending false information — but he refused to send an email to correct the false information.

About a year later, he sent another email with false information. I called him and requested he select a brother he trusted, and I’d select a brother I trusted to let them help us resolve our differences. He refused. I encouraged him several times to select a person, place, and time for us to discuss this He refused.

My reply: “I’ll wait two weeks. I hope you change your mind. You’ve done much good and have many good qualities. I’d like to resolve this problem. If you refuse, I’ll not spread your name in the brotherhood. But, when I know someone who’ll be interacting with you, I’ll warn them you’ve been deceitful with me and refused to correct it.” He hasn’t corrected. But he hasn’t written more false accusations that I’m aware of.

Principles to Deal with Difficult People

1.     Why do people do what they do? People do what they do because they think it’s the best thing for them to do at the time.  “Every way of a man is right in his own eyes, but the Lord weighs the hearts (Proverbs 21:2, NKJV). “Why Would Anybody Do That?: they thought it’s the right thing to do”:  https://www.newshepherdsorientation.com/why-would-anybody-do-that/ When I understand that, it changes my attitude toward the people involved. Most people aren’t trying to make your day and their day miserable. They think they’re being helpful.

2.     Practice accepting, inviting, and enjoying criticism. I had many more difficult people in my life when I deflected and avoided criticism. When I started cultivating and encouraging criticism, I’ve had less difficult people. Criticism Rule: a leader is more like a lightning rod than a cute wall decoration,” or as Kirk Brothers says, “If you don’t want your nose bloodied, don’t get in the ring. You can listen to my workshop on  : https://www.jerriebarber.com/criticism-rule/ You may listen to my criticism workshop: “How to Accept, Invite, and Enjoy Criticism.” I’ll put a link in the shownotes: https://www.jerriebarber.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/08/Accepting-Criticism-Remix.mp3

3.     Be thankful for good qualities and actions of difficult people. While he’s in prison, Paul had fellow preachers who were insincere and wanting to hurt him. What was Paul to do? He said, “Only that in every way, whether in pretense or in truth, Christ is preached; and in this I rejoice, yes, and will rejoice” (Philippians 1:12-18). Paul’s able to look beyond bad attitudes, insincerity, and desire to harm to their good points and rejoice in those.

4.     Reflect on what I did or didn’t do to enable the person to inflict pain. My observation: many times, when people’ve hurt me, I gave them permission and have often helped them.  I have a podcast episode: “3 Ways I Helped Get Myself Fired: why would anyone want to release a good preacher like me? I’ll put a link in the show notes for that episode.  https://www.buzzsprout.com/2369804/episodes/15471323

5.     Pray, aim, and work toward not being a difficult person. Am I on someone’s list of “Difficult People?” If so, what can I do to be removed from that list?

6.     Don’t be a victim. If people are hurting you and there’s nothing you can do to prevent or rectify it, you’re at the mercy of the next person or group who wants to hurt you. Ask for help. Think. Reflect. How did I contribute to that? What can I do to prevent it the next time?

I’ve had several people comment, “People are always running over me.”

My question, “When did you lie down?” It’s hard to run over someone 5’ 10” tall unless he or she cooperates.