Do you have a head elder?

Every eldership says it believes in shared leadership—until one man’s voice consistently ends the discussion.

In this episode, Do You Have a Head Elder?, I name a dynamic most churches recognize but rarely confront: the leader of the leaders. 

Sometimes he’s kind and life-giving. 

Other times he’s controlling, wounded, or quietly corrosive—and the group helps him stay that way. 

If you’ve ever left a meeting knowing decisions were settled before discussion began, this episode may explain why—and what it would take to change it.

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Transcript

095 Do You Have a Head Elder?

Every eldership says it believes in shared leadership—until one man’s voice consistently ends the discussion.

In this episode, Do You Have a Head Elder?, I name a dynamic most churches recognize but rarely confront: the leader of the leaders. 

Sometimes he’s kind and life-giving. 

Other times he’s controlling, wounded, or quietly corrosive—and the group helps him stay that way. 

If you’ve ever left a meeting knowing decisions were settled before discussion began, this episode may explain why—and what it would take to change it.

When I use the expression, Head Elder, I’m not talking about the elder of the month—the one who leads the opening prayer, sets the agenda, and goes around the table asking, “You have anything to bring up?” I’m asking: are you aware of a leader of your leaders? Have you considered the effect he has on your group? Is it healthy or harmful? How did he gain his leadership? Is he leading with the group’s permission or with the group’s resentment?

As I’ve observed this dynamic, there’re toxic head elders and benevolent head elders. Consider each.

Toxic Head Elders

• Controlling. When the meeting isn’t going his way near the end, he says, “Well, it’s about time to go out and greet the brethren.” The group arises and follows him out the door to Wednesday night Bible study as if a log chain were attached to him and the other men in the room. If the discussion’s contrary to his thinking earlier in the meeting, there’s a line for that: “When you boys get’s old as I am, you’ll know you can’t do things that way.” And that’s the last time this topic is introduced.
• Inducing guilt if you don’t agree with him. “That leads in a progressive, liberal, or legalistic direction,” rather than, “This is how I see it. What am I missing? I hadn’t considered that. You made a good point. I still don’t see it your way, but I’ll think about it. I don’t believe you’ve commented. What do you think?”
• Speaking more than the rest of the group combined…or…
• After everyone else has spoken, he gives his judgment, everyone agrees, and the meeting’s over.
• Loud proclamations, at times with anger, expressed by words, volume, eyes, red face, glare…or…
• Super-sweet, overly compliant, clearly hurt and crushed when you don’t agree with him.
• The frequent reminders of wealth, position, past service, heroic exploits, education, and experience.

Benevolent Head Elders

• Leader of leaders.
• Kind.
• Active in shepherding.
• Strong convictions.
• Compassionate.
• Willing to serve.
• Encouraging.
• Freely dispensing grace and mercy (I’m thinking of an elder who led me for years as I write this description of a benevolent head elder).

Discouraging the Development of a Toxic Head Elder

• Be aware of the natural tendency for a leader to emerge in a group.
• Discuss this. One eldership asked me how they could prevent a toxic head elder since they’d experienced it in their congregation. As I recall, this is the only time in the history of the world I’ve been asked this question. My suggestions to them:
• At the end of each quarter, select by vote a Head Elder of the Quarter.
• Prepare a nice, large plaque:

This plaque is given to you in recognition of being selected by the vote of this eldership as the Head Elder of the Quarter.

This is probably an aberration that will not persist.

Thank you for considering this observation from your fellow elders.

We love you and value you as a fellow shepherd.

• Additional guidelines:
• The elder gets to keep the plaque for three months.
• Take a vote at the end of the next quarter.
• Take a vote after the third quarter.
• If the same person gets the vote as Head Elder of the Quarter for three quarters in succession, it’s time to talk about relationships. It’s not to blame or accuse the head elder of his dysfunction. It’s time to discuss why the group permits and encourages this dynamic. If a condition is toxic and continues in any group, it’s because “everybody likes it the way it is, better than what it would take to change it.”
• This eldership didn’t take my advice. They used the handy wastebasket. But, they didn’t produce a toxic head elder. I think their early discussion kept their awareness active. They also practiced shepherding of shepherds, which can serve as a vaccine against the development of a toxic head elder. I’ve found it helpful to remember: “Hurt people, hurt people.” When there’s healthy ministry to others, their hurt is less likely to manifest itself in unhealthy ways.
• If, as an elder, you know you tend toward toxic,
• When you become aware of your domination, ask others to comment, and plead for their honest, helpful response.
• Abstain from blaming, controlling, and producing guilt. Have you ever changed your mind about your understanding of God’s word or your wisdom in applying it? Were you liberal or legalist when you held a different view from your understanding now? Is it possible others are as sincere as you are when their understanding is different from yours?
• Go on a voluntary fast from commenting during a meeting at least once a quarter. Others may not ruin the church without your ideas while you are practicing self-control.
• Consider—if this domination has been going on for a long time, everyone in the group knows it, although they don’t talk about it. Not only does everyone in leadership know it, but most of the church is aware of this dynamic as well. It oozes out in conversations, personality, announcements, prayers, and other interactions.

The solution isn’t to eliminate the toxic head elder. If you do, another moves in to take his place. The solution is to realize that everyone in the group, and ultimately the congregation, is participating and perpetuating dysfunction. The group has to change to encourage and practice Biblical servant leadership (Matthew 20:25-28).

While listening this episode, if you’re thinking about a certain person or persons, perhaps it’s time to “go and tell him his fault between you and him alone. If he hears you, you have gained your brother.  But if he will not hear, take with you one or two more, that ‘by the mouth of two or three witnesses every word may be established’ ” (Matthew 18:15, 16).

Please send your comments and observations in the Text Message in the show notes or to jerrie@barberclippings.com. 

What have you found helpful in preventing a leader of leaders from becoming harmful to the group he’s leading?