#14. Why Mindset Matters in Your Divorce with Kayleigh Kennedy

A few days ago, I opened up my journal and found this one-line entry from May 10, 2021:

"Meeting with the mediator. I am not a victim. Control what I can."

Reading it brought tears to my eyes.

I was in the thick of it—pregnant, postpartum, heartbroken, and overwhelmed by the emotional and legal chaos of divorce.

At the time, I didn’t even realize how stuck I was in survival mode.
But that one sentence marked a quiet turning point.
It was the moment I chose to lead my divorce, rather than letting it lead me.

That’s why I sat down with business and mindset coach Kayleigh Kennedy to explore how mindset shapes every part of the divorce journey—and why it’s one of the most powerful shifts we can make when everything feels out of control.

💡 In this episode, we talk about:
➡️How to stop reacting and start responding with intention
➡️Why indecision quietly erodes your self-worth during divorce
➡️What it really means to rebuild your identity and confidence from the inside out

Kayleigh also opened up about how her mindset work became a lifeline for her and her family during her son’s cancer treatment—a powerful reminder that this inner work goes far beyond divorce. 💗

And one of my favourite takeaways from Kayleigh?
“You can’t outperform the image you hold of yourself.”

Because divorce, while painful, is also a rare opportunity to come home to your true, authentic self.

If you’re contemplating “should I stay or go”, stuck in divorce legal limbo, or simply trying to find your footing again after divorce… I hope this episode brings you clarity and hope.

Follow Kayleigh on Instagram

Follow me for inspiration and tips on how to reinvent yourself through divorce:
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▶️ YouTube
I'm here to support you to turn the chaos into clarity and create a life you love! 💪✨

Transcript

Lisa (00:00)
I wanted to start today's podcast by sharing one journal entry I did several years ago. This is a one line journal entry my sister-in-law got me. I was reading it a couple of days ago this is May 10th, 2021. I put down meeting with the mediator. I am not a victim. Control what I can.

getting a little bit emotional just reading that. this is a pivotal moment and a year before that point, my ex-husband decided to end the marriage, walked out, I was pregnant Little did I know I was sitting in that victim mindset And after that day,

Three months later, I decided to end the mediation, and really just went on this divorce transformation journey. So that's why mindset is so, so, so, important during your divorce And that's why we have Kayleigh Kennedy today. Super excited to have you, Kayleigh.

Kayleigh Kennedy (01:20)
Hi, Lisa. I'm really excited to be here and I can unpack so much about the victim.

Lisa (01:24)
I know exactly this morning I woke up I was like my

god what a great way to start the podcast and Kayleigh is a business and mindset coach known for helping high achieving entrepreneurs and professionals scale their success without burnout super important

Kayleigh Kennedy (01:30)
for fit.

Lisa (01:40)
She built a thriving coaching business generating over seven figures in sales in less than four years, all while navigating motherhood and supporting her son through a two-year cancer journey, which we will talk about today. And I don't need to say mindset played a huge role in her own success and her clients' achievements, both professionally and personally, I think that's very, very important. So great to have you, Kayleigh.

Kayleigh Kennedy (02:05)
Thank you, Lisa. I'm so, grateful to be here.

Lisa (02:07)
Kayleigh and I connected actually in our previously life we can say and in the communication capacity when we both volunteered for IABC Waterloo. And as I transitioned and exploring entrepreneurship, I reached out to Kayleigh knowing that it's a different mindset and different game I am playing now rather than just being an employee.

Kayleigh Kennedy (02:10)
Past lives.

Lisa (02:33)
So I'm in her mastermind right now with a group of very ambitious and very caring and supportive entrepreneurs. And that just says community is very important. So let's dive into what's mindset. How would you define mindset and why is it so important during a major life transition, whether it's a divorce or your son's cancer journey or building a business.

Kayleigh Kennedy (02:34)
Absolutely.

Yeah, I love this question because I think there's so many different definitions of mindset and the term mindset gets thrown around all the time. I often have people ask me, so like mindfulness, your meditation coach or like

journaling or those are all mindfulness are tools, how I describe mindset is it's two words, mindset. Your mind is set, you have a habitual way of thinking about the world around you thinking about yourself and reacting and responding. And your habitual way of I actually call it programming how you've your program to operate through life came from past experiences.

your perceptions of past traumas, the environment you grew up in, things that were told to you. there are so many different things that, shape us. and when we're not aware of it, it's very easy to be shaped. So when I think of mindset and how I work with my clients is helping them take their power back and being able to start to really identify what do I want to believe? What beliefs have I maybe held on?

for my life, for whatever reason, the biggest one is environment, cultural beliefs, and then processing traumas and things and past experiences really do, have a huge part to play in that. But it's being able to have that conscious awareness to choose again and to start to really understand who you are and what your values are and what do you want to believe. Because we believe what we think we should believe.

Lisa (04:15)
Hmm

Kayleigh Kennedy (04:23)
But we never really sit down and think of, well, what are my thoughts about that? And that's where I shift mindset from is really allowing people to create their own inner space so that they can create whatever life they want instead of holding themselves back or holding themselves in victim mode or holding themselves in whatever mindset that they have been sitting in.

Lisa (04:46)
Yeah, 1000 % I can totally relate to, In my work of divorce transformation, very, very, very similar is an identity shift, which nobody, no lawyers or mediator talks about focus on. That's not their job. That's why it's so, so, important. As you were mentioned, can you give a couple examples of the duality of a different mindset? We talked about victim. What's the other side? And scarcity, what's the other side?

Kayleigh Kennedy (05:12)
yeah. So, lack mindset or scarcity mindset versus abundant mindset. victim mindset versus, versus belief and empowerment, or, fear versus faith. Those are two, those are two other, you know, two powerful ones that I with my mindset clients, I work really a lot with faith and fear because we

Lisa (05:19)
Mm-hmm.

Mmm.

Kayleigh Kennedy (05:30)
I mean, even if you think of divorce or any kind of major life circumstance, fear is the predominant mindset that we are told. So to break through from fear to actually start to see faith or break free from lack, because lack is a product of fear, to see abundance and to see opportunity and possibility is an inner reprogramming for, I don't know the stats.

specifically, but from my own experience, probably 95 % of people are born into or they've inherited that fear that lack that scarcity that victimhood because of that's what's out there like the media or, the predominant messaging and the predominant way that the world is. It's a very small percentage of people who are already programmed to the polarity of that. So

Lisa (06:16)
Yes.

Kayleigh Kennedy (06:16)
you almost have to reprogram to be in that top 5 % because it's not the norm.

Lisa (06:21)
Yeah, exactly. And what I call is like reprogramming is also this upgrade, Whether it's from 1.0 of ourselves to 2.0, even 3.0, 4.0. And this is a journey you never stop. And that's where the fun begins. But it's also where the challenges lie because the fear is deeply rooted in our first chakra. that's very deeply buried.

Kayleigh Kennedy (06:38)
Mm-hmm.

Lisa (06:44)
You talk about shift and shape and reshape. I really love that. So how does mindset shape our life experience, especially during a challenging time? Can you give a couple of examples, whether it's your personal personal journey or your clients? How do you see people, their mindset, either keep them stuck or help them move forward?

Kayleigh Kennedy (06:55)
Yeah.

This is a great question. I really think it comes down to self-awareness. Being able to have the self-awareness to be able to shift your perception of the world around you and what's happening. This was hard for me to really grasp at the beginning because this isn't what I was taught or told or what I had heard over and over is...

nothing's happening to you, everything's happening for you. And so my son was two when he was diagnosed with cancer. It's very easy to fall into why is this happening to us? Why is this happening to my family? And not, what are the lessons that are going to come from that? So in me sharing that experience, the inner work and the mindset work that I'd been doing of learning how to basically

become more self aware so that I can when I'm faced with challenges or faced with situations, I have the kind of agency to stop and think it's a simple it's as simple and not simple as just stopping and thinking because we are so programmed to react and we're programmed to go the other way. So it's having the self-awareness to stop and think and I remember

being in the the hospital room, the moment a couple minutes after or maybe it felt like hours after I can't, I just remember being in this room after we heard the news, the same day, and thinking, okay, it is what it is. What can I be grateful for in this moment? And what's outside of my control? What's inside of my control? The mindset? Yeah, yeah.

Lisa (08:31)
Kayleigh, sorry, the moment that

you talk about, you give the audience a little bit context? You're talking about your son's, you heard the news. Yeah, and how old was he? Yeah, most people would say, why me? Why my child, right? Why did it happen to us? Yeah.

Kayleigh Kennedy (08:39)
cancer diagnosis. Yeah. Two.

Yeah, yeah, Yeah.

My daughter was six months old at the time as well. So, you know, I was also six months postpartum. And it was in that moment, it would have been months after that I really realized the power of this mindset work because my life had changed significantly because of the mindset work prior to my son getting sick and

Lisa (08:54)
postpartum, yeah.

Kayleigh Kennedy (09:09)
you know, having the courage to leave a corporate job and start entrepreneurship and all of the things, right? It takes a lot of courage. takes a lot of mindset and personal development to do that. but what I realized after a couple of months after he got sick was all of the work had actually been preparing me for impact. the mindset shaped that because I often reflect on how it would have been if I hadn't have been doing this work.

and how it did play out. And that doesn't mean it wasn't hard. That doesn't mean there was lots of dark nights of the soul and lots of tears and I'm still healing and I'm still processing and I'm still working through it. I still overanalyze bruises and things, there's still parts of that, post-traumatic stress that are PTSD that ⁓ I remember when we actually, my son finished treatment.

Lisa (09:52)
Mm-hmm.

Kayleigh Kennedy (09:56)
and he rang the bell. And I remember our nurse saying, so this was eight months ago, our nurse saying, life's never gonna be the same. And it's true, but it doesn't have to be a bad thing. It can actually turn that pain into purpose. And when I think of shifting in mindset, I know I've connected with a lot of people especially the oncology mom community, who've turned that pain into purpose. And I've also seen the other side of

Lisa (10:07)
Mm-hmm.

Kayleigh Kennedy (10:21)
of the parents who just can't cope with it. And I'm sure you see it the same thing too, going through divorce, right? There's two sides of, there's that duality to how you react to what's going on. And what I think people aren't aware of is that you actually have a choice. Like you can actually choose to not be a victim. You can actually choose to be empowered in that moment.

Lisa (10:27)
Yeah.

Yes.

Kayleigh Kennedy (10:45)
That is, just saying that that doesn't mean it's easy. That means you consciously have to work at your mindset every day and what you're choosing to align your thoughts with. And that's really what it comes down to. So when I talk about shaping, it's being able to shape your thinking around the life that you want and not necessarily what you have and be able to step out from maybe where you are now.

and move towards that. And some days it's a lot messy. Some days it might feel easy and some days it feels like the hardest thing in the world. But every day you make a little bit of a progress towards that, you are choosing the positive pole instead of the negative pole, right? And you wouldn't know hot without cold. It's the same thing with, victimhood or empowerment. Like you wouldn't know one without the other.

And it's just making that choice to not succumb to your circumstances. And that is one of my biggest messages in life, but also in business. think a lot of people succumb to their circumstances instead of just making that choice to be empowered and move through their circumstances.

Lisa (11:49)
thank you for sharing that. if I could summarize this one, is the awareness, which is huge. in my work too, as long as someone, my clients have the awareness, I think that's 50 % of the work. Because in order to change, or even you feel the need to change, you have to have that awareness first. And then you're saying the second point is consciously choosing.

a morning powered away. And sometimes you need that time to get there. Like for me, my God, one year, you know, I was pregnant, was postpartum as well going through a very high stress situation. Also, there is abandonment. I'm a single mom with full custody, right? So sometimes you need to that that journey to get that point. But one day you have to ask yourself like, okay, when is enough? Like, what do you I often ask my client like,

Kayleigh Kennedy (12:18)
Yeah.

Lisa (12:35)
What do you want? And how hard do you want it? That's the key. Very interesting when you said this morning I woke up. So when I have an idea about newsletter or something, I put it down. So it's messy. don't know if you can see. Happen to you or happen for you. That's what I wrote down this morning.

Kayleigh Kennedy (12:37)
Yeah.

And that's cool.

Lisa (12:55)
My next

lead. So you just talked about it, you know, because we can all sit in that. this happened to me. Why me? Right. The victim seat. And you talked a little bit about especially during divorce and a lot of situations are very traumatic. There may be abuse, whether it's financial and or physical abuse or even infidelity and other abandonment. So

Kayleigh Kennedy (12:58)
Yeah.

Lisa (13:20)
What's something small people can do or approach to get unstuck and start to shift? We talk about awareness and consciously choosing. Is there anything smaller steps that they can do?

Kayleigh Kennedy (13:32)
Yeah.

Lisa (13:35)
on the side, and Kayleigh, you also, a child from a divorced family you shared, right?

Kayleigh Kennedy (13:39)
Yeah.

Lisa (13:40)
being in that role. can you share a little bit about like what's something tiny people can get unstuck?

Kayleigh Kennedy (13:45)
Yeah. Gratitude. Gratitude. Learning how to practice gratitude because when you're in it and it being whatever, your dark

Lisa (13:47)
Mmm.

Kayleigh Kennedy (13:54)
dark spot is, you're in the thick of it, the early days, they might not even be the early days. I found some of my darker days were actually beyond when my son first got sick. And it was always looking to what do I, what do I have to be grateful for right now? And that's like an instant vibration shift. And when I say vibration, it helps you remove yourself from that victimhood to a new.

because even when you're dealing with something that's super traumatic and it could be the divorce and you're dealing with so many other things, it's like looking at, what do I have to be grateful for right now? You might not be grateful for a lot of things, right? But instead of focusing on that, what can I focus on to be grateful for right now? So.

I remember sitting in, kind of going back to the early days after my son got sick and sitting there and thinking about how grateful I was that we were able to be together as a family, how grateful I was that we have the healthcare that can provide him, like grateful to be in a space. were at a children's hospital that they know what they're doing and we have this care team who, they are going to work to make sure that.

Lisa (14:49)
Mmm.

Kayleigh Kennedy (15:03)
he gets better. And so all of these things, even though there were so many unknowns, I was just focusing on the fact that there was things to be grateful for in that moment. So even, through early stages of divorce, like grateful for your children, grateful for your health, grateful for maybe the courage to leave. Maybe that is it. I'm grateful that this is really hard, but I had the courage to leave and choose me. And that one decision

allowed you to start rebuilding your own self-worth. so finding that, even though it's really, really hard, it's being able to find those glimmers of gratitude throughout it that can start to shift that right away.

Lisa (15:39)
I love that. And you know, the old me used to think like gratitude is so corny. You know, it's like, seriously, it's like, of course, you're gonna say gratitude, I just felt like so much resistance. But in practice, it's really true. And even in your situation, being grateful, that's the awareness piece, being grateful that you did the work, the mindset work that

Kayleigh Kennedy (15:45)
Yeah, me too. Me too. Yeah.

Lisa (16:01)
brought you here despite of the challenge and you can get through this through your family. even that self acknowledgement is gratitude. I remember long after, cause I was just so focused on my divorce, like it took over my life. it's my life, 18 months mat leave and long after until one day I walked out of the door and I looked up, I saw the blue sky. was like, my God,

Kayleigh Kennedy (16:05)
Absolutely.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Lisa (16:26)
the sky is blue. You're

Kayleigh Kennedy (16:28)
Yeah. Yeah.

Lisa (16:30)
just so grateful for the beautiful weather, And for my children as always. So tap into that because there's so many things we can be grateful to. And another thing which is super helpful when you pay attention to that, it help us to get out of our tunnel vision, right? Out of our own misery of the things that we're focusing on.

Kayleigh Kennedy (16:33)
Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Lisa (16:52)
Also being in a group setting could be very helpful. because you can see, other people share similar challenges. I'm not alone. It's also a great way.

Kayleigh Kennedy (17:00)
I mean, I started practicing gratitude in my 30s. So my parents separated when I was one and a half two. So it was very young. But I, thinking back, I wouldn't have thought this being gratitude at the time, because I didn't have the self awareness. But I was grateful for, I had extra family celebrations.

Lisa (17:08)
area.

Kayleigh Kennedy (17:18)
Basically, when I was a kid, I had more people buying me gifts. so from a kid standpoint, and being grateful for both of my parents being able to find people who, who made them happy that they could, restart their lives with and those things. Obviously those weren't the things that would have been going on or that I was aware of. But as I look back in my self-awareness now, like if it wasn't for that.

Lisa (17:21)
Yeah.

Kayleigh Kennedy (17:44)
then I wouldn't have all of all of this like my stepdad for example took my son fishing the other day like to have those relationships right that wouldn't have happened Steve Jobs said you can only connect the dots looking backwards never looking forwards so when you're in those dark spaces

Lisa (17:51)
Mm-hmm.

Yeah.

Kayleigh Kennedy (18:00)
It's really hard to see what's next. But when you then look back and you're able to piece those like, wow, this would never have happened if it wasn't for this, even though there was other things to process and grieve and all of those things. when you are in the dark time and you're not able to look forward and you're struggling to even set those goals or whatever that looks like for you, look back in the past of where

things ended up working out. where can you find the evidence from the past that things work out so you have that reminder that everything does work out eventually. Sometimes it takes a while to get there, but everything always works out the way it's meant to. And that can be really hard when you're going through challenges, but it is the truth.

Lisa (18:46)
Yeah, it's really embracing that. And this is acceptance as well, which is very hard when you go through a divorce because there's a lot of resentment, anger and other emotions tied into this because something is being broken. Let's face it, right? Whether it's a family or relationship and finances. And it's, think, back to the idea, did it happen to me or happened for me?

Kayleigh Kennedy (19:01)
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Lisa (19:09)
If we are in that happen for me seat, then we can see, okay, the only way forward is embracing what's happening and make the best out of it. That's more empowering mindset. So as we are talking about one thing I noticed as people go through divorce, myself included, and it's hard not to see it that way is the

scarcity mindset, because no matter how we divide things, okay, even if you are multimillionaires, you're only getting

half of it right whether it's time with the kids or assets or however and sometimes maybe less. So this idea like no matter how we do it I'm losing in this because I'm getting less than I had before then the tunnel vision gets in right and people may not like I say it but our tunnel vision is what get us stuck.

Kayleigh Kennedy (19:46)
Hmm.

Lisa (19:57)
and drag the whole process. I mean, you can pinpoint it's the lawyer, it's your ex other people, we heard all, but ultimately, it's part of our choices as well. So How can we shifting from that lack and scarcity mindset and see what's beyond this that maybe people in divorcing can't see at this moment?

Kayleigh Kennedy (20:00)
Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah, I think you touched on something that I want to first talk about is the blame game. And I think we are very programmed as a society to play the blame game and not take responsibility. And this is where when you learn, okay, I it is what it is. I'm getting what I'm getting. The rest is up to me.

and you can set that because if you stay in the blame game and you stay in that negative, that tunnel, you're not going to get out of it. And what you're actually going to do is you're actually going to dig yourself further into the tunnel. So it's this idea of acceptance and then taking responsibility. You have that choice. And when you take responsibility, you take your power back.

When you're playing the blame game, you're giving your power away to other people. Nobody has your power other than you. And you can give it away if you want, but it's all you. So I think that's one of the biggest things is being able to accept and then move on. Now, what is the move on? Okay, well, what can you control? What can you do? Set up a plan, set up something

There are so many ways to do things these days. So many things that are available to people. But when you stay stuck in that tunnel, you're not going to see what's available. You're going to close yourself off from the abundance that's actually out there. So when you start to, okay, this sucks. You're allowed to say this sucks, but it is what it is.

Like your son has cancer. Okay, it is what it There's nothing I could do in that moment to change the fact that that was the news that I got. Nothing that I could do. But guess what? I get to choose how I respond beyond that. And that's my power. And that's my right to have that power.

Lisa (21:59)
And then the other way not accepting or trying to direct to the other way. mean, I definitely was there, trust me. And is our perceived sense of control, but perceived. The real control is building ourselves and coming back to us. And that's the really the only way forward. Great. So what I found

Kayleigh Kennedy (22:05)
Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Lisa (22:22)
A lot of people going through divorce and probably in any kind of change. And there is this predominant, deeply rooted, and I have that too, narrative is I'm not enough.

So what are some practical ways to reframe I'm not enough to a more empowering? I am more than enough to have what I want.

Kayleigh Kennedy (22:35)
Yeah.

Lisa (22:42)
whether it's finishing this divorce fast or having what I want, whatever it is.

Kayleigh Kennedy (22:48)
Yeah, so I think sometimes we drag things on because of that lack and that limitation within us and not knowing it's enough. And when you're dragging things on, what you're actually doing is you're chipping away at your self-worth. Because you're allowing yourself to be in this space, even if you're not getting what you want or whatever, that dragging it on isn't doing anything, it's not serving you and it's not serving anyone.

It's this, I call it like a state of indecision. There's, you first have the decision to do something. And then the next decision is the actual action of doing that decision. And the state between the first decision and the second decision is, is a terrible place to be in indecision. And what happens in indecision is you overthink, you overanalyze, you beat yourself up, you, ⁓ you're actually

Lisa (23:36)
Self-sabotage.

Kayleigh Kennedy (23:37)
self-sabotage, you chip away at your self-worth, all of those things in that space because nothing's actually happening. So you think things are happening, but nothing's actually happening. so I talk about indecision a lot with entrepreneurs of taking big moves in their business, but you can use this example for any part of your life, right? So when I first started my journey in mindset work, so this was six years ago now,

when I was pregnant with my son actually, which is one of the, think it's beautiful to see how it comes full circle. I finally wanted to take control of my life and made an investment into a mindset coach and then looking, looked at the impact afterwards, right? I just wanted to share that. Cause again, connecting the dots backwards. But one of the things was I realized I had very low self-worth, very low self-worth. And I didn't think I was enough. I didn't think I was enough to leave my corporate job.

I didn't think I was enough to lead. I didn't think I was enough to at one point like be a mom. there's so many things, so the personal and professional side. I had to hear it over and over and over that I was and then I had to start to believe it. So I actually had, I used Post-It notes. Lisa knows that I had Post-It notes all over my head that just were reminders that I am enough. That's it. I am enough.

And they were in places that I, I still have some up because they remind me of how far I've come. where my vitamins are in my kitchen, like right there, I opened the cupboard and it's still, I am enough. That's actually where we had Ethan, all of Ethan's med stuff. So it was that, and then I am enough as that reminder. It's still there. but I had to have those reminders, like those visual reminders to bring me back and remind me that I am enough. Now I didn't feel like enough at first when I started to put

these reminders around, I felt like a fraud. But I just kept going to the messages until finally it clicked. And I was like, wait a second, I am enough because I'm here and I'm alive and I'm breathing. And that's all that I am worthy because I'm here, I'm alive. we're all worthy. I finally believed that after I thought enough. So my, suggestion is setting these reminders to remind yourself of who you are, who you are, like who you really are.

Lisa (25:15)
Mmm.

Mm-hmm.

Kayleigh Kennedy (25:36)
You are enough. You are worthy. You are capable. You are courageous. You can get through hard things. Whatever that reminder is for you, put it everywhere. Because on the hard days when you'll get up and you just, or you don't want to get up, right? The hard days when you don't want to get up and you have to drag yourself out of bed because the kids or work, or whatever it is.

you go to your bathroom and you may grab your toothbrush because you're, I hope you're still brushing your teeth. It's hard to put that toothpaste on the toothbrush. You have a little reminder with a note that you are enough and that you are worthy or whatever that is for you. that can change your entire energy of your day.

Lisa (26:17)
Yeah, thank you for sharing that and something so small and it can have a huge impact. And like you said, you may not believe that at the beginning, consistency is the key, We're doing some reprogramming, as Kayleigh said, it's not easy. It's not even easy to reprogram a software, let alone your years of conditioning and patterning. So try something small. If nothing has worked, why not try something different?

Kayleigh Kennedy (26:19)
You're welcome.

Yeah. No. My,

this might actually resonate with your audience too. My first coach, because I didn't love myself very much when I first started and I didn't really realize this.

how I didn't really love myself and I didn't really respect or treat myself very well, which is tied to the enoughness and the worthiness. And my first, yep, my first coach said, I want you to look at yourself in the mirror, like look into your eyes and look in the mirror and just say, love you. And I was like, okay. Like I thought it was, I was like, this is too much. Like it's, and so I started doing it and I was so uncomfortable. Like I remember.

Lisa (27:07)
Yeah, I know.

Yeah.

Kayleigh Kennedy (27:17)
I remember looking at myself in the mirror and being like, I hope my husband doesn't hear me. Like, he's not going to judge me, but, but you know, all of these thoughts going through, through my, my mind of what are other people going to think if they see me telling myself I love me? And so there's so many things that, like so many layers to that, but being able to just start. so I would start with a whisper, like I'd make sure no one was around and I'd like,

And then I like run away, like scurrying away. But it's, you just start small and then eventually like now I can, build myself up in front of the mirror and power pose and whatever. I'm not worried about that anymore because I've cultivated that self love and that removing the fear of criticism and all of those things that I used to hold so very dearly to me.

But it took time and it was a process and it was very uncomfortable at the beginning.

Lisa (28:10)
Yeah. And especially that little critical voice, so subtle, but so persistent in our mind. It can destroy us. Right. And I love actually in one of our group coaching session last year, we did this exercise I coach both men and women. You can see in the men's face is like, yeah, asking me to look at the mirror and

Kayleigh Kennedy (28:18)
Yeah.

Lisa (28:33)
tell myself I love me. And then in some cases, when especially when going through some divorce and you may not have all the support you wished, right? Or you may feel shame and guilt and you don't want to reach out. And we talked about an exercise like you can just hug yourself and you can see their faces like, but in hard times, you know, those can be really helpful and self love. Like you said, it's something that takes time to really cultivate, especially when there is a

Kayleigh Kennedy (28:39)
Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah.

Lisa (28:59)
abandonment or separation during divorce, it can feel really hard that you're loved but you are deeply, deeply supported, protected and loved. And that's just the nature of us. And I also want to touch a little bit about indecision during divorce. And you talked

a little bit at the beginning, indecision is extremely draining because you are in limbo. People underestimate, especially during divorce, how much energy

it's draining you when you're not making a decision. So I always encourage my clients, we have to look at the dollar amount, but also considering the time that you are invested and your mental energy, your mental wellbeing in

making this decision. Because if the dollar amount is 500 or whatever, you have to decide, is it worth it for you to potentially spend one

Kayleigh Kennedy (29:45)
Yeah.

Lisa (29:58)
two more years and all of your mental well-being in fighting for this, whether it's 10,000 or even 100,000, right? And that's very important when we are making a decision from our sense of self, getting clear of who we are and what we want.

Kayleigh Kennedy (30:13)
Yep.

Lisa (30:13)
And then you can make decision with more ease. And I want to touch into that part. It's a perfect segue.

because I help my clients rebuild their sense of self, their identity during and after divorce, a huge, huge, important piece. And you once said, you can't outperform the image you hold yourself. So let's unpack that and how important that is because people can make that decision because you haven't become that person who can advocate or guide or tell your lawyer what you want throughout this divorce yet.

Kayleigh Kennedy (30:45)
Yeah,

so I think even, so I'm gonna, yeah, I know where I'm going with this. Like, where do I go? How far back do I go? I'm gonna just go all in. So.

Lisa (30:51)
Hahaha

Kayleigh Kennedy (30:54)
We have a subconscious image and perception that we hold of ourselves. And that is, my mentor used to call it self image. I call it our self perception because I think it's more than it's more than our image. it is how we perceive ourselves, how we perceive our capabilities, how we perceive our worthiness. it, and it's all perception. It's not truth. It's perception based on experiences, all of the things that I was saying earlier of how our belief systems and how our programming is formed.

And the image that is burnt into our subconscious, that is the image that needs to start to change in order for us to step into this new person and this new identity and to move through challenges in a new way. Now, the thing is, this is in our subconscious mind. So how do we reprogram it? Well, it's through conscious awareness and conscious action.

And so you cannot outperform the subconscious perception that you hold of yourself. Because what will happen is if you try and you're not working on fixing that subconscious, at a subconscious level, and a lot of this also is healing, like a lot of this is healing work and a lot of this is self-awareness work, you'll keep reverting back. So it's almost like a thermostat. So you'll push out like, so say, okay, I'm going to make the decision to be, to act courageous.

And if you do one courageous move and it doesn't play out the way you want it to, instead of continuing to make courageous moves, you revert back to the old way. Does that make sense? So in order to change that image, you have to persist in the new image that you want to step into, the new perception that you want to step in into. So I use this with entrepreneurs all the time. It's the person who is already achieving your goal.

Lisa (32:24)
Mm-hmm.

Kayleigh Kennedy (32:39)
who are they and how do they operate? that idea that you're creating is different from how you're operating now. So every day you step out and start to operate in that new way. And it's habit changing, it's healing work, it's using different tools. But it's thinking about how you want it to be and then persistently acting until that new idea becomes your new subconscious.

Lisa (33:03)
You're reality.

Yep.

Kayleigh Kennedy (33:05)
Yeah, your new thermostat essentially, or your new subconscious image. Because if you don't work on changing that image and that perception, you'll continuously revert back.

Lisa (33:15)
Yeah, that's the cycle. That's a vicious cycle. You're going back. You want to change your going back. And also some question to ask is how would that new me make decision? Now that's a, that's a powerful one. Okay. But somebody is going to come out and argue. It's like, Whoa, you're teaching me to fake it until I make it. Is it that

Kayleigh Kennedy (33:16)
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Mm-hmm. Yep. Yep.

I don't like fake it till you make it, because I don't want you to fake anything. Be it until you are it. Just decide. Decide that I'm enough. Decide that you're worthy. even with my story of telling myself I love me in the mirror, I just decided to build and cultivate self love and it took some time. And for the first while, I didn't really feel it, but I just kept persisting in stepping into that image.

That's what it is. It's persisting in stepping into that. So it's not going to happen automatic. And then then there's the healing work and all of the work that that that comes with it. But you're not going to know what work you need to do until you start stepping out and actually doing it. You can fantasize all day about how you want things to be, but they're not going to be like that unless you become that person and start making those decisions. That doesn't mean like,

just going into a ton of debt or whatever, it means how would I operate at this level? How would I make decisions? I would make smart decisions. I would make decisions that are aligned with who I want to be. I would set my boundaries. this is a big one. I would honor and uphold my boundaries and decide what my boundaries are. I would set my own personal standards. I would decide that I have courage and I'm going to keep

taking courageous steps every day. And it's going to be very uncomfortable at first. One of my favorite affirmations is I am comfortable being uncomfortable because when I started in my journey, I was uncomfortable doing everything. And now I step out and I'm like, okay, what's making me uncomfortable now? Because my comfort zone is a lot different than it used to be. But if I didn't take that persistent action of shifting it, it would be the same room that I was in 10 years ago.

Lisa (35:15)
Yeah, I love that. think I just wrote last week a couple of weeks ago, When people in any kind of change, especially during divorce, then they come to me there in the panic zones, like, I can't do life, right? We're moving, moving them through into a comfort zone, let's stabilize, but we don't stay there. Because in order to change or grow you have to go to the stretch zone. And I was asked, I will only work with you if you're open to be uncomfortable because changes are uncomfortable.

Kayleigh Kennedy (35:31)
Yeah.

Mm-hmm.

Yeah.

Lisa (35:41)
also want to share

an example of how Kayleigh is talking about you have to take action, And you have this limiting beliefs like I'm not enough, I can't do this.

Kayleigh Kennedy (35:48)
you

Lisa (35:50)
I

have a client going through the legal process of separation now. So in this person's mind, because their ex-partner took care of finances and they have a joint business together, So in my client's mind is I can't do all this. I don't have the knowledge, I can't do. because the frustration grew and now

my client has to get into the weeds and then.

so he decided, okay, I have to take my control back and then got onto it. It's a big shift for him. And then he realized, it's not that hard at all. It's just our mindset, a story that he has been telling himself. Right. And that small shift could be very empowering, but he himself have to decide that I will tackle.

Kayleigh Kennedy (36:28)
Yeah.

Lisa (36:40)
taxes. will tackle the finances. So that's just an example of what Kayleigh says, like you have to take action.

Kayleigh Kennedy (36:40)
Yeah. Yeah. Well, and you make decisions to do the things, the hard things, because things that it's not always easy, like,

starting a business, I work with a lot of people who are starting a business or at the earlier stage of the business, there's a lot of decisions that you need to make. It's not going to be easy, but it's deciding to just push through the discomfort and do the hard thing. And what we do is we do create stories around why we can't do something or why things are going to be harder than they actually are. You don't know if it's going to be hard until you do it. But the thing that happens is

you tell yourself enough that, this is gonna be so hard. So when you go to do it, you're actually making it harder than it's gonna be because you created that story. And we typically walk around just creating these stories. we have these conversations on my mastermind all the time of these expectations. We expect something to happen in a certain way. it's like,

Lisa (37:24)
Yes.

Kayleigh Kennedy (37:40)
I declined something and it was actually easier. I was creating the story that I had to over explain or I had to tell them all of these reasons. And like, I just told them the truth and it was fine. We over inflate things to create this new comfort instead of just, I think, learning how to be direct from a place of alignment.

Lisa (38:00)
Yeah. And also again, while you're overthinking, should I do it? Should I not? burns so much energy. As you were talking too I think there is a lot similarity. You coach entrepreneurs, but when you are going through a divorce and a lot of people don't realize that you are the boss, you're the CEO of your divorce, right? You're playing different roles and you have to get comfortable in directing.

Kayleigh Kennedy (38:05)
And you're.

Yeah.

Lisa (38:23)
other people to do things or getting to the finances, right? Emotional well-being and get clear on your vision for self. And again, someone else and a coach can help you on that. But ultimately, it's I don't say it's a project per se. But again, you need to become that leader of this in order for this to move forward. And as you were talking about easy

or hard, because a lot of people think

Kayleigh Kennedy (38:49)
Okay.

Lisa (38:50)
Well, it's also true, like divorce is hard in many different ways, right? And we believe myself included, I think I still need to reprogram is that my conditioning or pattern is like, my God, if I put a lot of effort into this, if I do hard work, you know, I will get the result I want is the inner dialogue. But

we talked a lot about inviting more ease.

into the process, right? Like my slogan is navigate divorce with ease So tell tell us a little bit about that mindset shift.

Kayleigh Kennedy (39:15)
Good.

We can make things as hard as we want to and we can make things as easy as we want to and a lot of that is in even that decision-making process that we were talking about but it's learning how to stop overthinking and over-complicating things. Now there are certain things that are they're just going to be hard but you can make them harder or you can make that hard a little bit easier.

And you do that through action. one of my mentors taught me this, this idea of like a terror barrier. And the terror barrier is like, freedom's on the other side. And it's like this brick wall. This is how I envision it. And I love analogies. But it's this brick wall. And what you want is on the other side of the brick wall. What we typically do is we just continue to bump up against that wall and go back, right? Which is really hard. And you just keep,

bumping up against it. Now, there's a bunch of different ways Some of those ways are harder than others. Some people will literally try to climb the wall. And some people will be like, I'm just going to build a door and they figure it out. So you can scale the wall, Spider-Man style, my son's really into Spider-Man. Try to figure out how to climb the brick wall. that's going to be really hard or

You can go get a ladder. You can break down the wall and build a door. So all of those ways, they're going to lead you to the other other side, but they're all a different level of hard. We typically do the harder ways instead of being like, I got to go find that ladder. Right? Does that make sense? So it's going to be hard, but you can make it less hard with your mindset.

Lisa (40:33)
Mm.

Mmm, mmm, mm-hmm.

So when someone goes through a divorce, right, everything is hitting at them, know, finance, hardships, and dividing things here and there. And also, ⁓ parenting time can be really hard, right? You used to see your kids every day. And now whatever the arrangement is, you may not see them every day as you wish. So what does that ladder look like?

Kayleigh Kennedy (41:04)
Good.

Mm-hmm. Yep.

Well, I think for everyone it's different. It's going to look different for everyone, but it's learning how to reconnect with yourself and the things that bring you joy. so you can sit in the, are all the things I'm missing out on, or you can, use that time and space to reconnect with yourself. Like, how you with yoga and meditation, like those things those were also helped you cope.

right? Because they were things that allowed you to reconnect with yourself. So you can stay in the, poor me, or you can say, how can I make this better for me in this time? Like, again, it is what it is. What brings me joy? And how can I do more of that right now? Because when you're filling your when you fill time with things that bring you joy, you're gonna attract more things that bring you joy.

Lisa (42:01)
I love that. I love that. You will attract more because it's accumulate. Yeah, I love that. Yeah. Thank you for sharing that. And sometimes the latter could be some support, whether it's a very good lawyer or mediator or therapist or coach, right? That could be a ladder. And sometimes I think for me, I like to ask my client, what are you gaining through this process? Right? Is it freedom, autonomy?

Kayleigh Kennedy (42:01)
Hmm.

Mm. Awesome.

or coach. Yeah.

Yeah.

Lisa (42:27)
and finally doing things that are dreams and pursue dreams that were sidelined in your in

your marriage. I'm not advocating for a divorce, but if you're in this space, more empowering way is to get out of that tunnel vision is asking, oh, what am I gaining Because if no matter how much you divide, right? Whether how much your net worth is as a family, you're only getting the half maximum. And plus you have to pay lawyers.

Kayleigh Kennedy (42:43)
Yes.

Lisa (42:56)
However, your ability to create is unlimited, unlimited. Like I couldn't do what

I do now if I'm still sitting in that, my God, I'm only getting half mindset. that could be the latter, could be a mindset, the latter could be a decision to move forward and however you want. Okay, amazing.

Kayleigh Kennedy (43:07)
Yep, absolutely. Absolutely. It's gonna look different.

It's gonna look different for everyone because we're all different. We all have different goals. We all have different passions. We all have a different purpose, but I think inherently it's different and it's the same.

Lisa (43:21)
Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Kayleigh Kennedy (43:29)
you just learn what that is and you can tap into that more.

Lisa (43:32)
Exactly. what are some other suggestions on how to approach life, especially during challenging or changing moments, with more ease.

Kayleigh Kennedy (43:41)
Find the things that bring you joy and do more of it. it's that simple. It's just find the things. we're not taught to really know ourselves at all. To really go inward what lights me up, what gives me energy. So this is actually something I work with my mindset clients on because a lot of entrepreneurship and moving through entrepreneurship is connecting with your purpose.

Lisa (43:43)
Yeah.

Kayleigh Kennedy (44:01)
Because again, there's going to be challenges things that like if I wasn't connected to my purpose and connected to my goals, I would have a of reasons to quit, right? So it all goes back to that. And the question that I have my clients go through is what gives you energy? What drains your energy? Now, when you're going through a divorce, I'm sure that what drains you is pretty long. Focus on the what gives me energy. What do I enjoy doing? it and it can be something like

Lisa (44:17)
Trans you. Yeah.

you

Kayleigh Kennedy (44:27)
It doesn't have to be things that cost money. could be, I love being in nature. So you just start to go for more walks in nature or, or, movement or just spending, time with friends who fill my soul. So you just reach out to people and whatever that is for you, it's going to be different for everyone, but just take some time to say what lights me up and what gives me energy. Like when I'm at my darkest, what is one thing that I can do that's going to bring in that light?

Lisa (44:30)
Exactly. Yeah. Yep.

volunteering.

Kayleigh Kennedy (44:53)
and then you just do it.

Lisa (44:54)
extremely important, think that also requires self awareness. So that's the first step. And then you need to connect with yourself and tab into ⁓ I like this. I don't like that. And I wanted to do more of that. Sometimes even the awareness of what drains you is, precious because that could be a person, right? That could be a thing that could be in an activity. So having some, yeah.

Kayleigh Kennedy (44:59)
Yeah, absolutely. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

and here's the thing,

it could be an in-law and now that you're getting divorced, you don't have to see them anymore. there's something to... Yeah. Yeah.

Lisa (45:24)
What you're gaining is yeah, the getting rid of the negative energy around you. Yeah, exactly. And, and that's

interesting, as you go through life changes, and you'll find like, it may be cliche, we are the five person, five people around us, and but it's also very true, that's the energy vibration around you. And sometimes gaining could be, leaving some toxic environment, whether it's work or people. So that's so true. Yeah.

Kayleigh Kennedy (45:50)
I

only spend time with people who fill me up now. Like, yeah. And you know, people who don't, I just limit my time because there are certain people who are just the big part of your life I'm very intentional with the time that I spend with people. So, know, 95 % of my time, if I'm spending it with other people, it is always people who lift me up.

Lisa (46:06)
them here.

Kayleigh Kennedy (46:11)
and I'm very intentional. I spent a lot of growing up in early 20s with people who did not lift me up at all. So it took me a while to actually feel worthy to be around people who lifted me up, and I lift them up too.

Lisa (46:26)
Yeah. And that's the upgrade from 1.0 to 2.0. in this transition, our network and people around us may change. And that's another hard thing to let go to though, because we are sometimes not sure we're not in an uplifting environment. Amazing. Thank you so much. We talked so much and a lot of golden nuggets and

Kayleigh Kennedy (46:41)
Yep. Awesome.

⁓

Lisa (46:49)
What's the last thing or anything we haven't touched on you want to leave our audience with who are going through a tough divorce transformation.

Kayleigh Kennedy (46:59)
There's a quote that I'm thinking of right now that I think would really resonate with your audience

so this is a quote.

that. Circumstances don't make the person, they reveal them. So your circumstance will reveal your level of awareness and your circumstance and how you react or respond to your circumstance will actually reveal all of your growth opportunities. So when you are going through a challenging circumstance, when you are able to take that step back and realize that this is

this is an opportunity for me to grow, you'll be able to reveal that next level of yourself. But if you're only able to succumb to your circumstances, that's as far as you're gonna go.

Lisa (47:43)
Yeah, I love that in my group coaching program, chaos to clarity, we have a session specifically talk about respond versus react and huge, huge difference. And really the choice is in your hand.

Kayleigh Kennedy (47:53)
Yeah.

Lisa (47:58)
And we have to allow the message to come through our way, the lessons to come. allow ourselves to be revealed. open to receive and whatever comes that way. Amazing. Thank you so much, Kayleigh. where can people find you?

Kayleigh Kennedy (48:02)
Thank you.

Yes, absolutely. Awesome.

The best place I'm on LinkedIn or Instagram, the Kayleigh Kennedy on Instagram and just Kayleigh Kennedy on LinkedIn.

Lisa (48:20)
Okay, thank you so much to talk about all things mindset with us and we will see everyone next time.