Holiday Communication and Boundaries in Food Allergy Families

In this special crossover episode, Dr. Whitehouse shares a recent guest appearance on The Itch Podcast (episode 132), where she joined hosts Dr. Payel Gupta and Kortney Kwong Hing for an open and compassionate conversation about navigating difficult family interactions during the holiday season. Together, they unpack how to set and maintain boundaries, communicate effectively, and stay grounded in the face of emotional triggers, expectations, and family histories.

This episode offers both validation and practical strategies for anyone who finds the holidays to be more complex than joyful. It’s about protecting your peace, holding compassion for yourself and others, and remembering that it’s okay to celebrate the season in a way that honors your emotional wellbeing.

Find The Itch wherever you get your podcasts:
https://www.itchpodcast.com/
@theitchpodcast

Special thanks to Kyle Dine for permission to use his song The Doghouse for the podcast theme!
www.kyledine.com

Find Dr. Whitehouse:
-thefoodallergypsychologist.com
-Instagram: @thefoodallergypsychologist
-Facebook: Dr. Amanda Whitehouse, Food Allergy Anxiety Psychologist
-welcome@dramandawhitehouse.com

Transcript

0:00

This week on. Don't Feed The Fear. I'm sharing something a little bit different with you. I had the absolute pleasure of being a guest on The Itch podcast and I loved getting to know their lovely hosts. Our conversation really was so timely. All three of us felt that it was so important. For our community this time of year, We talked about one of the most common, and honestly one of the hardest things that comes up this time of year for food allergy families navigating tricky family dynamics during the holidays, from communication breakdowns to boundary settings, misunderstandings, and to the ways our nervous systems react under stress. I try to lay it all out in a way that can be helpful and actionable for you in order to navigate the holidays in a way that's a little bit more enjoyable. So if you've ever left a family gathering, feeling emotionally drained or unsure of how to express what you really need or are asking of your family, and I know that's almost all of you, this episode will speak to you. Thank you so much again to Kortney and Dr. Gupta. For having me on the show.

Speaker: 0:57

Welcome to the Don't Feed the Fear podcast, where we dive into the complex world of food allergy anxiety. I'm your host, Dr. Amanda Whitehouse, food allergy anxiety psychologist and food allergy mom. Whether you're dealing with allergies yourself or supporting someone who is, join us for an empathetic and informative journey toward food allergy calm and confidence..

Kortney Kwong Hing: 1:18

We are joined by a fellow Podcaster today. We have Dr. Amanda Whitehouse with us, and I will let her do the introduction. So, Dr. Whitehouse, welcome to the Itch podcast. We'd love to know a little bit about you, your background, and obviously what podcast you have.

Amanda Whitehouse, PhD: 1:34

Thank you so much for having me. I've been listening to the two of you for a while and I'm so excited to be here to chat with you. My podcast is called Don't Feed the Fear, and what I focus on is the social emotional aspects of food allergy and allergic disease management. So I'm a food allergy mom. I'm a licensed psychologist, and without ever intending to, we just obviously are drawn to what we're dealing with in our lives, and so my specialty has moved in that direction. As I dealt with our own stressors at home and then learned how to support my clients and my families as they found their way to my office with similar concerns,

Payel Gupta, MD: 2:05

a mom with a mission. Those are our favorite people to interview. Thank you so much for shifting your energy that way and helping so many families. So today's topic is really navigating family issues related to children with food allergies, and the theme of the episode is really communication and boundaries. So I think you are definitely the perfect person to have that conversation with. So our first question is, what kinds of family issues do you see come up most often in your practice when it comes to food allergies and social emotional issues?

Amanda Whitehouse, PhD: 2:41

I see a lot of, in any relationship, whether it's between parents. Between parents and child, parents and extended family. The root of the issue being people having a different coping style and approaching a problem from a different perspective expecting the other person to approach the problem in the way that they would be the most comfortable approaching the problem. So that's a really generalized way to say it because obviously it gets very specific to food allergies. But really I try to teach people how it boils down to our attachment styles and our nervous system functioning. And most of those people then kind of sort into people who. Are approaching a problem more from an attack mode. Let's solve this problem. Let's identify all the aspects and take care of it. And then people who are approaching it or avoiding it more from a, we don't need to make a big deal about this. Let's not go overboard. This is maybe too much. And obviously either of those extremes isn't good. So the solution in a generalized way is finding a balance and a back and forth between. Those two extremes. But from my perspective, that's what I see at the root of almost all of those challenges that we face.

Payel Gupta, MD: 3:44

My next question would be, how do you know what your style is? How do you know as a person where you're coming from? And then number two, how do you then interplay that with the style of somebody else?

Amanda Whitehouse, PhD: 3:58

We are very focused on what we want other people to do, how I want the teacher to handle this situation, how I want my extended family to treat the allergy when we arrive for Thanksgiving dinner. But the root of it is what you said, understanding how do I operate, understanding my child, how do they tend to operate? What are their patterns? You know, people think attachment is what's my relationship with my mom and dad like, but really it explains our general coping style in life. If you think about the term fight or flight that most people are really familiar with. Those two things. Fight meaning to fight back, to approach a problem and attack it, and flight meaning to run away or to avoid. If you think of how you deal with most problems in your life, it's helpful to put it out of the context of food allergy because that's so triggering and so escalating for us. And just think about how you approach other things so I can use myself. As an example, I was a person who in grad school or when I was getting my education or approaching my future and my career, I put all my assignments in my calendar right away. I made a chart of when I needed to start, which assignments and how much time they would take, and I gathered all my resources, and that's how I approach challenges in my life. So I really have an upfront, what we would call a fight. Approach to most stressors. I wanna have control over the situation. I wanna exert as much influence over every aspect of this as I can. And for most situations that I found myself in, just given my life, that worked for me. So when it came time to become a parent, I read all the books, I listened to podcasts, I thought I had this great education, right? It was gonna prepare me. I've got this under control. I know all the things that I need to know, or I know how to find the information. That's my coping style as an approach. Attack, fight back. I'm gonna take control of this problem and this is oversimplified. It's not just these two, but neither is of these extremes is ideal if we don't have a well-rounded approach. And I learned that very quickly when I became a food allergy Mom. And I didn't know about food allergies. I didn't know how to approach it. I didn't understand food labeling and how it all works. And so. My approach, I gotta figure this out. I've gotta attack it. What's wrong with me? Why don't I know all this information? I should have predicted this became problematic it can be helpful. But I didn't have as many skills to take a step back from a problem. The other extreme of that would be someone who can recognize that they tend to respond to problems in their lives by saying, you know what, I'll wait and see what happens, and when the time comes, I will figure out a plan. At that point in time, it'll probably be okay, or I feel well resourced enough to manage this when the time comes. I trust other people. I don't have to have control over this maybe. Those people might have a little bit more of a difficult time working with difficult emotions and facing them, versus someone who has my style, who's like, I can handle the stress. I've got this. I'll just tough through the stress. People who have more of an avoid approach tend to not want to talk about that, not to wanna process their feelings out loud with someone or with their partner. If they're having a tough time to say, well, let's talk through it. Let's understand how you're feeling and why. So we can come up with a solution that might be less of a, a preferred skill. For them. So again, you can see how either side of that really isn't helpful and we need to be able to, shift back and forth between those and use that balance of approaches.

Payel Gupta, MD: 7:10

So once you figure out who you are and you try to look at your family members and see where they are, then what's the next step? In figuring out how to deal with the different levels of concern or vigilance about that particular food allergy.

Amanda Whitehouse, PhD: 7:32

The annoying answer that nobody ever wants to hear this, but really there's a lot more inner self-focused work in going into those interactions. So before we're even ready to approach the family members or have a discussion about something. But once we know what our patterns are and what we tend to do more, the key is learning to. Understand your own nervous system and how it's functioning and recognizing the signs of when my nervous system is triggered or escalated. If I know that I can take that into whatever interaction or conversation or request, I'm approaching with a family member and know the signs of when I am regulated. I am feeling comfortable in this conversation versus. They just said something that really set me off and now I'm panicky. I'm angry. My heart is racing, my breathing is changing. The pace of my speech is picking up because I'm activated and I'm upset about this conversation. It really is important to have these good interactions with people, but the foundation of it is me being able to stay regulated and then to know when I'm not, and then take a beat, find a way, or have a plan ahead of time where if this doesn't go. Productively. Here's the step that I'm going to take to pause and then regroup before we continue this negotiation or this conversation.

Kortney Kwong Hing: 8:43

Do you think it's also worth knowing the person that you're going to have the interaction with? Do you think it's worth knowing their way of coping? Maybe you don't have a relationship where you can be like, so what kind of person are you? But just to prepare, like if you're gonna meet someone who you know has the exact opposite style that you can know. Oh, I'm gonna look out for this and this because if this happens, then I know I'm not gonna get through to them at all, and it's best to just stop, take a pause, because I can see that they're not gonna come at me in a nice way.

Amanda Whitehouse, PhD: 9:14

Absolutely. I think that's one of the most important things, and that's what happens when we take the time to learn how this works. It's information that we all know already, but we're not practiced at applying it in our interactions with other people. So once you get comfortable identifying this, yes. If it's someone you know well already, if it's your parents, you are listening to this conversation, most of us can go, oh yeah, I know this is how mom does it. This is how dad does it. And when they get upset. This is what they do every time. You know, dad leaves the room, mom starts to talk faster, you know, whatever it might be, you'll be familiar with those people, but even when it's someone you don't know well, you start to be able to pick up on this faster and faster. Sometimes people take that in terms of a manipulative approach, and that's not what I'm suggesting. It's just when you're interacting with someone, if they are not regulated, if you can tell that this is not going in a direction that can be productive, it's a respectful thing to do to. Change gears in whatever way is necessary. So you get better and better at picking up on this in people and then shifting and staying regulated. And there's this really important concept in this world of nervous system regulation that we talk about called co-regulation. We all understand this too. I hold my baby against my chest and I rock, and I speak soothingly. The baby calms and we are connected. Our nervous systems are connected, and that doesn't only apply to our babies, and it doesn't end when our babies aren't being held and rocked on our chests anymore. If I'm in an interaction with someone and they become dysregulated, but I can stay calm and I can acknowledge what's happening with them, if I can stay regulated and do things that will help them. To reregulate with me because I'm calm and because I understand how this works, then we might be able to continue moving forward and obviously avoid some of those hurt feelings that happen and maybe not take it personally because we can understand that it's not coming from just the requests that I'm making about my child and their food allergies. It's a bigger issue that's a rooted in things that everyone doesn't have this education and understanding about in terms of how they're responding to us, let alone then the allergy content specifically that they might not. Understand.

Kortney Kwong Hing: 11:15

Yeah, I think that makes a lot of sense. But you've used this word regulate a lot and I just wanna have a little bit more clarity before I could say that totally makes sense. So when you're talking about regulated, what exactly do you mean

Amanda Whitehouse, PhD: 11:26

by that? That's a great point. I talk about this all the time, so I appreciate you making sure that I bring it back to the basics about this. Again, most of us are familiar with that term fight or flight. We understand that it means when I am afraid or when I'm upset, this is how I respond. What that is rooted to is our bodies nervous systems and our protective mechanisms within our bodies that are telling us when we think there's danger and how to protect ourselves or get to safety. So obviously most of us as humans are no longer being chased by wild animals. We're not in danger in the way that we used to be. Evolutionarily speaking on a day-to-day basis. But this is still how our body's alarm system works and telling us something's wrong or something is not okay. When we are regulated, we're feeling safe. Basically, when we are dysregulated, our body is telling us we're unsafe. This is not okay. I need to get to safety. It sounds extreme because I'm having a conversation. With my mom about the Thanksgiving Turkey, I know I'm safe. My logical brain realizes I'm safe. But for those of us who live with allergies or are allergy parents, we can very quickly go or are already living all the time in what's genuinely not safe, right? Which is us or our child having a really dangerous reaction. So it helps to understand that's truly what's happening is your body is reacting as. If you are being attacked in that moment when we are dysregulated, and if you think of it in that way, if you think about if you were under attack. What would happen in your body? We don't think about it in these terms all the time, but we know what that means. Our heart starts racing. Our breathing gets shallow and rapid. We get sweaty, we get shaky. We get kind of a narrow focus where we have trouble taking the whole picture in and we hunker down on this one point that we're trying to make, or this one piece that we want to be understood. All of those changes in the body are very physiological and once they take place. They don't stop and they don't allow us to participate in a conversation in a way that, again, is, is productive and regulated. We are then approaching the person that we're talking to as if they're the opponent. They're the attacker, they're the aggressor, and we need to either fight back or defend ourselves from them. It all sounds very dramatic, but it truly isn't because all of us can feel how strong that reaction is in the body and how it takes over, and then later we'll go. Oh my gosh, I got so worked up or I can't believe I raised my voice or, or they yelled and then I yelled back. All of these things that we know we, we wouldn't typically do. We don't interact in those ways until we get triggered or dysregulated. So I guess I explained dysregulated more than regulated, you know, which was your question, but that helps us. Connect with the other side of it. When we're regulated, we're feeling safe, we're comfortable, we feel that people are listening to us. We can access our logical thinking and our rational brains. And then when we get shifted into fight or flight mode, literally the blood flow to that area of the brain is restricted and we don't have access to that type of thinking anymore until we return to safety as defined by our nervous systems.

Payel Gupta, MD: 14:22

So helpful. And so when you're first starting these conversations with family and friends, so you said, number one, make sure that you know where you are and make sure that you're in a good place to have a conversation that particular day or moment before you get started on the conversation. But what are the things that you think are really important for families to communicate to people that are taking care of their children? We'll have a role in making sure that they are keeping them safe.

Amanda Whitehouse, PhD: 14:54

Definitely whatever your individual situation is, is going to determine that, right? In terms of what your history of reactions is and the severity and your allergens and the age of your child, as far as the specifics. But what we need to communicate to them is a boundary, and I think we have misunderstandings about what boundary setting means. If I have a toddler who's going to be running around the house with 35 extended family members and there's trail mix on the table and he's allergic to nuts and everyone's touching it and touching all the surfaces, I can make a decision about that not feeling safe for my child based on our individual situation. Communicating that boundary to my family. It does not mean I expect you all to adhere to this boundary. The boundary is I'm drawing a circle in the sand. Here is the circle within which me and my child or our family feel safe and can interact with you and have a wonderful holiday and chit chat and enjoy your company and for us to feel comfortable and have a great day together. If those people are willing to join you within that circle, wherever that line has been drawn, then that is their decision. People think that a boundary means I can force them or convince them or make them comply with what we need. Unfortunately, we all know from experience that that's not the case.. So really setting and communicating that boundary, whatever it is for you specifically, is about you stating what it is, making it really clear, and then knowing, again, I'm gonna stay regulated, I'm going to be prepared for what might happen. What we're going to do if people can't adhere to this boundary, obviously it's great if it can be communicated in advance. If you express this to family, Hey, we just got this diagnosis. He's really little. This is new for us. We're learning our way and we're concerned about this, this, and that. So if we cannot have these foods in this way. On that holiday, that would be great. Does that work for everybody? And if people say, yes, wonderful. Well, we won't do this. Can I make this in this way? Then you have it all sorted out ahead of time. That's ideal. That's all that we're really asking for. As allergy moms, sometimes it doesn't feel like people get it, but then what happens if you show up in the trail mix is on the coffee table in front of the TV with an arm's reach of my child. Now is when the boundary gets tested and there's not a right or a wrong way to respond to that. But again, it's about me making a decision of what I feel safe doing. So a lot of us might just have a conversation with them. We might say, you know, we talked about this before. I'm not sure where the mix up was. What are we going to do? And then again. Now, where's my boundary? After I've communicated and had this conversation, if people are getting, you know, aggressive, like we've mentioned, some people are like, no, I'm not gonna do that. It's Christmas. I have to have a bowl of nuts out. It's a tradition to have the Nutcracker and all of those things. Then that gives us a really clear understanding of who isn't, isn't going to respect our boundaries. Then we have to make a decision accordingly. It's a difficult topic. It's emotionally challenging for us. It also is usually really clear to us, especially maybe more so as allergy parents. I think individuals who are older teens or adults with allergies have a harder time when it's me drawing and holding that line. But when it's a mom and it's my toddler. Sorry. It's easy for me to hold that boundary and we can't be here for you for this holiday,? And unfortunately, sometimes it does come to that. Either we have to leave, we can only stay to say hello, whatever behavior you need to do in response that holds and respects that boundary. But again, ultimately I am the one. Who is maintaining the boundary that I have set, not everybody that I have expressed it to. Does that make sense?

Payel Gupta, MD: 18:26

Absolutely. And we've talked about this with teenagers. It's figuring out what makes you feel safe, and then if you're not in a safe situation, you can remove yourself from that situation. So again, it's more about figuring out what it is that you need and then respecting that. And making sure that if you're not getting that, that you can get away from that situation quickly. So I think that, again, it does become very complicated when family's involved, when also it's maybe the other person that you're in partnership with their family that maybe. Not wanting to be in that circle with you. That also makes it challenging, and then that leads to a downward spiral within the family dynamic. So I do think that all of these things can become very challenging, and that's why it's important to talk about different tools and skills that we can use to help. People cope with everything that they already have to deal with as a food allergy parent, but this then just gets added into the mix. But Courtney, I'm sure you have comments on that too.

Kortney Kwong Hing: 19:29

Oh my goodness. Do I have experiences? I think one thing I heard you say, which was really interesting is like to remove yourself from a dangerous situation, like if the nuts show up. But I would also say for me personally, it's where you can feel the. Dysregulation starting to happen and like the nasty side of you starting to come up because you're just like, this is my life. I feel like everyone is like my safety, my life, and you're just not understanding me. When that starts to come up, that's another time I have to say. Remove yourself because you're just gonna make this whole situation way worse. And no one's gonna sympathize with you, and no one's gonna actually wanna like join you in your circle, your boundary circle. They're gonna wanna stay outside because they only see this as a fight, and you are fighting them and they're gonna fight you, and they're not gonna meet you halfway. So I just wanted to reiterate the fact for me, it's not just like is an allergen present, but is an emotional something, something coming up that I need to step away from. And I've learned that now much better. I've been able to just actually leave the room, like, which means really rude, but I'm like, look, if I don't leave this room, it's gonna get really nasty, really fast. And I don't like to be nasty, so let me just go. But then what Dr. G also said was this partnership, right? And you know, I am now an allergy adult with a husband and we have to communicate my allergies with his parents, but I can only imagine what it's like. To have a child that you're looking after and to make sure that the parents are on the same page. So I would love to ask you a question about like, how do you make sure that you and your partner are on the same page? Because I know for me and my husband, it's like, if this happens, I need you to back me. Right? I know they're your parents and there's always that weird dynamic between parents, but I'm your wife and you need to help me stay safe, and I need to be on my side because I can't be against everyone in this room. I need a partner in this and you're my partner. And we've communicated that and he knows kind of my tells. I think he knows what I'm starting to dysregulate faster than I do at this point. But how do you work with a partner?

Amanda Whitehouse, PhD: 21:39

Yeah, and you make such a great point. It goes back to that co-regulation. You have this close relationship with your partner. He might be able to identify, and this goes for, couples raising kids or when the adults are the ones with the allergies. They're not dysregulated. If they know you well, you're really closely connected. They understand your tells and they might even. Start to feel a little bit of your anxiety as it gets bigger. And that's going to be a really important skill and a great way that you can support each other is by them recognizing it. And those are things we can have specific conversations about with each other. Right? When we're regulated. Again, let's talk about what happened the last time we talked about this with your parents and what do you notice? And me, and when you see me doing that, I might not be able to acknowledge it, but that's like you said, this is when I need you to step in. And I think that the other side of it is what you said, what can give us. Compassion for the other people in this situation because they're only seeing us in attack mode. And if that's what they see, that's naturally going to put other people into that mode too. And it may not to us feel like it is as important, but So for example, Kortney with your husband, I mean his relationship. I know you know this, but his relationship with his parents is really important to him as is my relationship with my child, right? So if he sees you in attack mode and then he's dysregulated, or his parents are responding in, in attack mode, back at you, here's all the people that I love the most going head to head or feeling really confrontational. What he wants in order for him to feel safe and okay again, is for the conflict. To stop probably, and he might not see it as I need to tell them that this is what Kortney needs in order to feel okay, because then that might feel like a threat or a challenge to his relationship with his parents. And so when we know that the people we're interacting with are also in this. Mindset, this state now of, of attack mode or I'm, I'm fighting back or feeling defensive. It might not happen in the moment, but later we can go home and we can kind of process and think through. They were just as upset as I was. I said things in a way or with words that I might not usually use. So did they, and maybe they don't have this awareness and education that I have about how this works, so maybe I can find some forgiveness, you know, for them about the way that they're handling this and regroup about how we might approach it. So for parents raising a child together and approaching this, I think that's an important thing in terms of. As a couple, how do I handle this? How do you tend to handle it and how can we find, it doesn't have to be the middle ground. Sometimes it is a hard line one way or the other way. Sometimes we just need to avoid, we are walking away, we're not going, sometimes it is absolutely, you know, you matter in my life and I'm going to approach this problem. I'm, I'm not giving up this conversation with you, mom. I wanna be able to spend Christmas with you. It's really important to me. Obviously I'm not attacking her, but I am approaching this problem in a way that's problem solving. And then so backing each other up. If it's the in-laws, obviously having that plan going into it, having an understanding, I keep turning it inward on us, and I don't mean to make it sound like it's our fault, but obviously it's our responsibility. I think one thing for couples that they often get into is. Is the boundary that I'm trying to set coming from a regulated, safe, calm, logical understanding of what I need, or is the actual request that I wanna make coming from me being dysregulated and upset or offended. So if I am marching into a family gathering and I'm telling my spouse, we are telling them there are absolutely no nuts. They must clean out the cupboards. There can be no nuts in this home because I am so afraid and panicky about what could happen. That's not a boundary that's coming from a regulated state, right? That might not be exactly what my child needs to be safe. We can help each other to realize that if we can have these conversations between each other, and again, find some middle ground and not always be in an extreme. But know when the extremes are necessary and helpful too.

Payel Gupta, MD: 25:26

So what I'm hearing you say is really communication and communicating before you get into situations and troubleshooting what all of these different scenarios could look like and where maybe you in partnership, if you have a partnership, where your hard lines are, where your boundaries are, and establishing those before you get into the situation. Again, you can't plan for every single situation, and that's the other. Key problem in life in general, you just cannot plan for every single scenario. So communication beforehand, knowing your boundaries, trying to stick to those boundaries in partnership, and then making sure you're regulated. But what are some other things that you can do in the moment? Some other tools or tricks that you have that you would recommend for families going into these situations as the holidays really are approaching?

Amanda Whitehouse, PhD: 26:20

I think one of the most important things that gets overlooked, and we have to be really mindful of the way that we do this, but as parents, I think sometimes we forget to include our kids in the conversation. I don't mean include the kids in the heated conversation with all of the in-laws or on the group text that's getting nasty, but I mean, how do you feel? I have seen and worked with a lot of families where they were. Really not seeing this eye to eye when they were talking to, you know, the in-laws or the adults. But when mom told grandpa, you know, Johnny told me he doesn't wanna hug you on Christmas because he knows that you eat those nuts and you do use the Nutcracker and have your walnuts every Christmas. It really makes him feel uncomfortable and not putting blame on the child, not putting responsibility on the child for communicating it, but helping people to understand how they're actually. Impacting the person with the allergy that we're talking about, particularly when it's a child and we live in a society that kind of doesn't treat kids like they're whole people with feelings and experiences. I think that that's a really powerful and important part of it. So that would look like, obviously having a very calm. Conversation with the child in advance, allowing them to express themselves, being really good listeners and validating their feelings about it. And then depending on what they say and what's appropriate with their permission, inserting that into the conversation about what they would really prefer. A lot of times kids have really good solutions to these problems too, that we don't think to include them.'cause we're. Heated up about it and maybe they're not as stressed as we are and they can help us solve the problem. And then in the moment when we're communicating that, you know, you said like when it's actually happening, what can we do? I think if you get good at recognizing what's going on, knowing what regulates people, so what regulates me, what regulates my partner, what regulates these people that I'm talking to? And the number one thing is bringing it back to, we all want the same thing here. I know all of us really want to have a wonderful Christmas. I realize it's important to all of us to include as many of our traditions as we can safely, but I know that the most important thing to all of us is keeping my child safe or keeping you safe as the person with the allergy. When we do that, that takes us from sitting across the table. Feeling like adversaries to reminding everyone in the conversation, we are all on the same page. We might not all agree on how to get to where we wanna go, but we all want the same thing. And the most important thing is the safety of this person we're trying to protect.

Kortney Kwong Hing: 28:41

I really love that you say include the child because it is a family decision really. Like what boundaries we set. I know from my own personal experience, some of the boundaries that were set I felt were too much too strong or made me feel uncomfortable because I didn't want everyone to change just because of me. And that's something that I am learning from friends happens at a certain age. You know, when kids start to get a little bit older in the tween years, this is just from anecdotes, but they don't want their food allergies to dictate as much and they're okay with. Stepping back themselves or saying, I want everyone to have this experience. It's not every kid. Some kids don't want that, but I'm just saying that by having that conversation, you might be surprised what makes your child feel uncomfortable and what makes'em feel okay. And you might be surprised how much they're okay with. Sometimes we want to really put our kid in a bubble as much as possible, but they just wanna live as free as possible. And I try still in my mid thirties, I feel like. What's really interesting is when you define the two different coping styles at the beginning, I have one. I live with in my everyday life, and when it comes to food allergies, I manage everything differently. It's very interesting and now I'm starting as I'm working on this to bring them together and kind of find more balance. But when it comes to food allergies, I am a freeze person. I am a flight person. I just shut down completely. And in real life, I'm very vocal about everything I want, and I'm very planned. And it's kind of surprising sometimes I just go completely inwards. I don't really know where I'm coming with this, but it's just interesting to communicate with your child because. Their coping skills, at least from my experience, might be completely different because they're compartmentalizing their lives and I've very clearly compartmentalized how I deal with normal life and how I deal with food allergy life. And I just wonder, is that something you see in families? Do they have different little units that they're living with emotionally?

Amanda Whitehouse, PhD: 30:39

Absolutely. I, I'm so glad that you're sharing that from your perspective and describing then how that has carried forward it's normal for you to have that different response because obviously the danger, the threat of food allergy is a different level than my homework assignment for this paper or my job or this deadline. It isn't uncommon. And if the people in your life again know you and recognize that, then they can. Abide by that and bring it into the conversation. You know, you asked about the families that I work with a lot of times, and I will throw myself under the bus with everybody else because I'm an anxious allergy mom. As kids get older, you know, I still look at my 14-year-old, and half the time I'm still seeing my, my little cute two and a half year old with his ringlet. Hanging down his face, and I don't always keep up with how mature and how much he's growing. And we can do that as moms and the toddler who would put his hands in his mouth, every chance he got is now 14 and he's really responsible about washing his hands and checking his food. And so if. I'm going only on what makes me feel nervous and agitated. I might make a different response than, like you said, Kortney. If I ask him and he says I'm fine with it, they can have peanut butter pie and I'll just make sure I know which one it is or bring one for me that I can eat and I'm fine. So their comfort level and you know, understanding what proximity is safe for them versus uncomfortable and comfortable for me are all factors to bring into the conversation hopefully before we ever. Talk to the family about what we're going to ask of them at that event.

Payel Gupta, MD: 32:04

What I'm hearing there is that things can change, right? So we can have a conversation with our child when they're younger and we should be having those conversations, and that might look different than as they get older. So it sounds like we should probably be having these conversations pretty frequently with everyone as much as possible to see if there's any change in perspective that's going on. And one other family member that may or may not be present is. Sibling. So how do you see siblings coming into all of this and what kind of dynamics have you seen that would be really important for people to keep in mind? It's a great

32:39

question

Amanda Whitehouse, PhD: 32:40

and it is something that I think we don't talk about enough. So I'm glad that we have a chance and some time for it today because like any family, I think we tend to think, oh, this is just a problem that we deal with with food allergy families. You know, this kid can't have this and this one can't. Every family has a mix. If there are siblings of different needs. Different challenges, different strengths, and so I work with the families that I talk to about creating that team mindset and making sure that we know that allergies are not the whole focus of the family or what defines our decisions, but each person in the family being open and being. Exploratory about, here's what I bring to the table, here's how I need help from you and how we operate as a team. How that shows up in food allergy families is a lot of times the food allergic child has some challenges. Some things they might feel left out on. The siblings who don't have food allergies feel like that food allergic kid gets all this special attention and they got to drive to the doctor with you, and go out to lunch afterward and do all these things that to them feel like special attention and that to the food allergic child feel like. A burden. I didn't want to go and do that. That's not a special day with mom. That's stressful for me that I had to go get a blood draw. Then she took me for lunch afterward so that we could regroup. So I think, one of the things that's important is really giving balance to attending to each child how they're feeling, making space for them to talk about their emotions. Being really good listeners in validating how they're feeling one-on-one, where they can say that honestly and openly. Not in the presence of their siblings, and then as a team and as a family, really talking about how we've all got each other's backs with whatever it may be. I really like, especially when we're talking about these extended family gatherings or if we're going to special events or restaurants, is one where I really like to use this. I don't like saying he has peanut, tree nut on sesame allergies, what can he eat? I have always, from the time my son was young, said, we manage food allergies as a family. Here are the allergens. It doesn't mean that the siblings necessarily can't, especially like I said, now that they're older, order those allergens or eat those allergens, but we are letting that child know. The siblings know we're all helping to keep each other safe, and I think the language that we use around this can be really powerful in setting that example and then obviously giving those kids, all the kids a chance to experience the things they might feel like they're missing out on one-on-one when we can, but when we're a family. Together, we are a team. The most important thing is keeping everybody safe and feeling protected by the rest of the team.

Payel Gupta, MD: 35:05

I really love that the, we are in this together and not isolating that particular person and constantly making that person feel. Like they're the reason that things have to be different. I think that that makes total sense. And I really also loved all the scenarios you talked about because I didn't even think about, you know, the sibling thinking that these are special moments, but then the allergy person thinking this is not special. And so even having that conversation and understanding how each person feels and then bringing it back together and saying, you know, I think Bobby really doesn't. Feel special when he is on these trips with me because it's really scary for him. So I think, yeah, putting all of that into context is so helpful and I'd never really, really thought about that. So I'm really glad that you brought that up.

Kortney Kwong Hing: 35:51

As a food allergy kid, I never realized that. It was like where all managing my food allergies, I never considered that. My sister was also dealing with them. I thought it was just me and my parents. Taking care of me. I never thought of how it impacted her until later in life, but as a kid, I didn't even consider that it was something that bothered her. And I think that it's really important to also put that into the We context for the Allergy kid, so that they understand. I mean, now I know because my sister. Even now, we'll go to a restaurant and order and she'll have to say something and it's the sweetest thing. And she's like, I'm sorry, I just have to, I just get so nervous. And it's because she's also seeing reactions, you know, as a child. And that's made her nervous. And she says somehow that might have led her down the road to becoming a doctor of like wanting to take care of something and wanting to take care of a person. But I never thought about it. I thought she was just being annoying, to be honest. And she was. In total panic mode when we would eat out, and it's important for us to remember as a food allergy person that everyone the we is managing the food allergy.

Amanda Whitehouse, PhD: 36:54

I have a little story to add on to that. My son with allergies had an example of this not too long ago where he kind of got to see the reverse, like you're. Describing Kortney and one of his brothers had kind of a, a scary thing where he was swimming and we thought there was a dry drowning thing, but it was actually, he had just gotten this horrible infection, but he was really sick and when we called the doctor, you know, they said, rush him to the hospital. Don't go to urgent care. Call the ambulance right away. We were on the road. It was a really scary moment and he still, the older brother that it didn't happen to, still talks about how scary that was for him, and it's been a really important perspective shift for him. When he thinks his brothers are being mean or annoying, like you said, Kortney, he realizes now that they're scared for him and they're feeling protective. And so I think finding those examples, it's hard. We don't wanna just brush past those hard things. That's why it's important to process them because they can give perspective and examples to kids on, you don't get to see this often, but now you know what it's like a little bit to see something scary happen to your sibling, and talk about how that affects everybody in the family dynamic.

Kortney Kwong Hing: 37:51

Thank you, Dr. Whitehouse, for sharing that that. Actually means a lot. I'm now replaying so many things that happened to me in the past and going, aha, this all makes sense now, doesn't it? Well, we have covered so many amazing things. And is there anything that you feel we've missed when we're talking about communication and setting boundaries?

Amanda Whitehouse, PhD: 38:11

I think there's one part with talking with grandparents and in-laws that I didn't touch on. There's just too much to say. But I think it's really important for us to remember from a really compassionate mindset that there is really a generational difference and a generational gap in how we deal with feelings and how we deal with problems. And that's another thing that I have found very effective with. The parents that I'm working with is to remember that they're interacting with a generation of people who have a really strong value that is internalized about. We don't sit around and talk about our feelings. We don't wallow, we don't self pity, and a lot of what we do can be perceived as that. It's not a judgment of us, and if we don't take it personally, then it can help us to remember this is how they were taught to get by, this is what their parents expected of them in order to be supported and to. Get along in the family dynamic. It's not ideal, but it's natural for them to continue those patterns and to recreate that with their kids. A lot of people are really receptive to this when we approach it in a way where they don't feel like we're attacking them for all the reasons that we talked about. So I just wanted to throw that in there. I think it helps us to be really empathetic toward them when we realize like. Oh, if you talked to your parents about how you were feeling, they told you maybe some pretty harsh words about not being a baby or suck it up, or whatever it might have been. So that goes really deep and can be triggering for them in terms of how now we wanna have this whole different approach and emotional style to challenges and. Difficult things in our lives.

Payel Gupta, MD: 39:38

Such important points to remember, and I've really enjoyed this conversation and I'm really looking forward to listening to more of your episodes on your podcast.

Kortney Kwong Hing: 39:48

Thank you so much. I will definitely be checking out more about this regulation and deregulation. I feel like it's. Very interesting. It's something I've played around with a little bit and so I'm gonna go look at it more in this analogy, context. Thank you

Payel Gupta, MD: 40:01

so much for joining us. Same, and I'm sure this is not the last time we'll be chatting. I feel like we have a lot more that we could have gotten into and we should. So looking forward to having more conversations with you, Amanda. That was really wonderful.

Amanda Whitehouse, PhD: 40:16

I love that.

Payel Gupta, MD: 40:16

Thank you so much.

40:18

I loved getting to share this space on the Itch podcast And to have such an open conversation about the emotional layers of the holidays, because let's be honest, for many of this, this season can bring up love and gratitude and hope and joy, and tension, and fear and stress. So before you go, here are three small but powerful action steps you can take this week. Number one, pause before you react when an interaction starts to feel charged. You can feel your body start to shift. You know, you're entering into territory where it's likely to have a difficult interaction with someone. So do what you need to do to get yourself regulated again before you try to interact. Remember that regulating your body changes everything, including how your interactions with other people will go. Number two, name your limits clearly and kindly. Boundaries don't have to sound harsh and they shouldn't sound like demands. They should communicate our genuine desire to spend time or be with someone number three, reflect afterward, not during. It's probably not the time in the midst of the holiday gathering with extended family all around to solve and process the things that are difficult within your family dynamic, reflect later on what felt good, what didn't, how things went, and what you might wanna change next time. And stay tuned for an episode that I'm planning in January of 2026 to talk more about how to improve those relationships aside from the stress of the holidays. Once we're out, once we're removed from the stress of the holidays and when we can think a little bit more clearly about what we want from our relationships with others. As always, thank you so much for supporting my show, for sharing the episode, for leaving me ratings and reviews that are helping other people to find the information and for spending your time with me because I know that it's limited, especially this time of year. I hope that you all have a wonderful and very safe holiday season where you feel supported and loved by the people around you. the content of this podcast is for informational and educational purposes only, and is not a substitute for professional medical or mental health advice, diagnosis, or treatment. If you have any questions about your own medical experience or mental health needs, please consult a professional. I'm Dr. Amanda Whitehouse. Thanks for joining me. And until we chat again, remember don't feed the fear.