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Say it Sister...
Lucy and Karen, two 40-somethings, are always chatting about life, and all that it has to throw at them, and now want to share their raw, honest conversations with you. Their journey of finding their own voices, self-discovery and healing is something many of us can relate to. We all possess a unique power within us, but life’s trials often knock us off course. They have the tools, the courage to speak up and simply say it as it is, so you might feel seen, and understood and gain practical tools and techniques for self-discovery and personal growth during the changes we experience.
Say it Sister...
The Courage to Face What You've Been Hiding
We explore truth-telling in this episode, discussing how women are called to face their inner truths and the importance of naming what we truly feel.
• Lucy shares how becoming a "nag" in past relationships masked deeper unmet needs
• Our inner saboteurs mirror the patriarchal system and try to keep us playing small
• The trap of societal definitions of success often leads us away from our authentic values
• Connecting with our spiritual selves and wisdom has historically been suppressed
• Daily practices like mindfulness, nature connection, and deep breathing help us reconnect with our truth
• Recognizing and naming resentment is crucial for authentic relationships
• Success can be redefined as presence, meaningful connections, and inner peace
Reflect on this question: What truth are you most afraid to say out loud, and what would happen if you did?
Welcome to another episode of the Save Sister Podcast brought to you by Wise Women. Lead founders Caroline Rizkelli and Lucy.
Speaker 2:Barkis, this is your space for real, unfiltered conversations about womanhood, the messy, the magical and everything in between we're called upon to name the taboos, stigmas, stereotypes and lies that keep us stuck, so that we can rise and reign like queens.
Speaker 2:We open up spaces and deepen relationships that bring us closer to love and a better world for all. So get comfy, grab your favourite drink and let's say it, sister. Hey, there, sisters. So the last time we spoke, we talked about truth, and we're going to explore that a little further today, and we're chatting about our own inner truths Now.
Speaker 2:I truly believe that there comes a moment in every woman's life where we're called to face our truth. It might be a moment when the world quietens and we're simply with ourselves and whispers of truth emerge. Or we're called, through some kind of crisis or a change in our lives, to look at who we truly are and who we've been hiding. And it doesn't come crashing in. It usually happens as a questioning, a sleepless night, a longing that you can't ignore. So this conversation is about that brave truth telling, telling the truth to yourself, the kind you've been, you know, burying within you an edited version, something you've been justifying or silencing to keep things peaceful, presentable, to survive, the truth that says I'm not happy here. So I welcome, karen. What truth are you here with today?
Speaker 1:Well, for me it's about sharing the raw and walking down this winding path of looking, you know ourselves in the mirror and stop, and to stop pretending not to everyone, but definitely to ourselves. So we already know. I always go back to the same. We start with ourselves, we get to our core truth and then we work out who, how, when we share that. It's not like everybody gets to know my truth, because they certainly don't. Maybe on this podcast they do if they listen, um, but it's not something. I'm out there in the world being like this is my truth and this is my truth and hey, I, I'm going to tell you this. You know, I don't live like that. I'm discerning and I understand context, so, but I absolutely have to feel the truth of myself. And then I'm a bit more of a delayer, but I've noticed recently that I've started just saying things very, very directly and it's brilliant.
Speaker 1:Like I said to Rich this weekend. I said to Rich this weekend. I said to him um, I did, I got up early both days. So yesterday morning at six o'clock in the morning, whenever he woke up at like eight, I was like we need to share this and you need to do one one morning over the weekend and he just went and they didn't, and I said you're not looking at me. And he was like, okay, okay, that's fine. And I said, okay, great, so it's done, you know.
Speaker 1:So there's that part of me that speaks the truth and is more like, actually, this isn't working for me and I'm doing that much more in my personal life. So that's, that's a real, real blessings, because I feel like we have all of this emotional intelligence inside us. That's sort of pointing the way to say that's not working. That's not working. This is your truth. And if we ignore, then we become more fearful, I think, and then we fall silent.
Speaker 1:And there's a power in naming what we're feeling and sometimes it's what we're afraid to see and say but we owe it to ourselves because nothing changes if we stay silent. We say that all the time, don't we? We owe it to ourselves because nothing changes if we stay silent. We say that all the time, don't we? And for me, truth telling doesn't have to be shouting. It can be a quiet conversation or just two lines of something that you want to say, but it's that conversation between the soul self, sometimes the shadow self, and finding that point in the middle, where the truth lies, and that's where the new begins.
Speaker 2:So let's jump in a little bit deeper, let's go into our truths. So here's one of my truths In past relationships that I've been in, I now admit that I became a nag, um, because I wasn't able to go to my truth about what was really going on with me. I would nag about the small stuff and sweat the small stuff and just be on repeat and nothing was changing because clearly I wasn't communicating what my wants and what I need was, and I hated being a nag as well, um and yeah, being in this repetitive cycle that just keeps going on. And then, during my um relationship coaching training um, we were given a tool which was called the disappointed dream or the the um complaint within the dream, and it really made me stop and look at all of those past relationships, all those past nags that I was doing, and just to confront what was the disappointment or the need that wasn't fulfilled. And what I realized very quickly was I would build a picture in my head about how I wanted something to be, and then I would almost just expect the other person to know what it was. And then, when my need wasn't fulfilled, then I would be annoyed, I would put it all out on them and that was the truth.
Speaker 2:That um I you know. Once I'd seen it, I couldn't unsee it and it became a real gift to myself. And I think this is something that a lot of women also face. Because we don't accept our truth, we don't look at our wants, our needs, who we want to be, what our unfulfilled dreams are. We don't want to go there because we want to keep the peace and we do end up just being a nag and it's the resentment piece as well.
Speaker 1:And then we get into resentment and I I'm a big fan of naming resentment because I feel like where that lives is where we are really in a bad place, because it it robs us of the joy, of the connection points we want in relationships, you know, and if you've got two people in resentment, I mean it's not a good recipe for a good, good partnership or relationship, is it? So I feel like that's the stuff that we've not really been taught how to deal with. You know of going, and I I use the word all the time I'll say, oh, I'm getting into resentment, um, because you know what is the because? Why am I in resentment? What is it that I need? Um, how can somebody help me with that? Or is it just an acknowledgement piece with myself? I don't think, until we can sort of name what's happening, we don't really know. Do we Spot on? Yeah, so that's what I'm hearing when you talk about that. Well, what a brilliant exercise.
Speaker 1:And for me it's this idea as well of the inner critic. You know that we talk about the saboteur Now. It mirrors the system that we're in, so we. It mirrors the system that we're in, so we have the patriarchal system. That's the world that we're living in right now. Um, you know, we have to face that. That's the truth.
Speaker 1:So our inner critics, our saboteurs, will mirror that, because it wants to keep us safe and it wants to keep us in a way so we don't step out too much, because if we step out too much, something that happened to us in the past, where we were very hurt, may happen again. So it's that piece. For me it's about being deceived into playing small, staying on the same path in the same space of survival where we can't get out of the survival, because if we do, we open up a whole new world and that could be dangerous. And how our real experiences are still living out in our lives, even though we're grown up, and how our real experiences are still living out in our lives even though we're grown up. So for me, it's about breaking the systematic I can never say that word the systematic, systematic, systemic, systemic lies that we've all been programmed into, so that we can just say, actually, who said that I do the childcare and you do this? Who said that is that the best thing for us?
Speaker 2:and questioning that on a deeper level. Oh, do you know what? Getting to know my saboteur was one of the best exercises, and I still have to keep revisiting. And now I'm very familiar with my saboteur. I I know it's um. Well, it's a her.
Speaker 2:I know her voice, I know her tone. I know it's a her. I know her voice, I know her tone, I know some of the common phrases that she always comes up with. I know when she's going to appear because I'm doing something a little bit brave or something. That's not the good girl archetype that I should be. So she always raises her voice and now I stop and listen, to a degree, in the sense that sometimes she has some wisdom. And so before I go charging into something, and when she raises her voice I'm like, okay, let me, let me listen to that a little bit. I normally say, right, okay, I've heard you now, thank you, but go, go away. But that there's sometimes a little bit of just safety that just makes me pause and in that pause then I I find my sage voice and I go forth.
Speaker 2:But talking about, I guess, the, the patriarchy. Yes, my, my saboteur wants to protect the patriarchy and it's telling me that I should be a pleaser, that I should put other people's needs, um, before my own. Or I can't do this or I can't say that, because what will other people think? So she is all about pleasing. She's all about giving, uh, without receiving anything, um. She's all about not being too much um, or having this shrill voice, or don't get over excited. Don't get over excited, don't get over emotional, don't be a nag. All of those things come up from that saboteur um, and it also the one that comes up time and time again is the one where it tries to equate my, the size of my body, with my worth. That one. That's the biggest truth that I have to constantly battle. And and I'm a laureate, I'll get all these beauty products. Be slim, because you're worth it. I'm like no, I'm worth it anyway, god. So every time I hear that one, I want to slap it. Yeah, no.
Speaker 1:And I think this is the world we've, you know, we've been brought up in and it's the world that we still live in. And now we've got, you know, injections that you can take that can help you lose so much weight. I know so many people that are, you know, doing that. Um, some for medical reasons, which is obviously a wise idea, but you know, you just get to the point where it's like, oh my god, it's just enough. You know, and really learning to love who we are and the being part of ourselves is valid. You know it's got to, it's got to start, it's got to be the beginning of the journey.
Speaker 1:I know we've not been trained that way, but the more we talk about it, the more we normalize that then it certainly is a big help for me. I mean, I find that there's this whole thing around patriarchy and capitalism. I don't want to get rid of capitalism that's not what I'm saying here, actually but the view and the version of success is weighed against something that you're doing. So success looks like, I mean, it changes a lot, doesn't it? And you know it would have been like get married, have your children and successful career, the house, certain standard, the car.
Speaker 2:Are you just reading the transcript of my 20s?
Speaker 1:I'm just going back into my own life, which will have been very similar to yours. You know it's like you do all these things, so it's like you work hard now and you get your rest later.
Speaker 1:But, as we know, unless you break the cycle, the rest never comes. And we still have to battle to find our rest, and we know this. So we are. I find myself a disconnect. I go, no, no, success isn't that. Success has been able to breathe at night. Success has been able to you know, know that I've been present for my daughter. Success is doing great work with women. I mean, it's layered.
Speaker 1:But then I can get caught up on that trap again of like the numbers and, um, you know, yeah, looking at the numbers, looking at how many people are viewing something, you know, we start to look at content how's the content going? And we just find ourselves gradually, gradually, gradually, that version of success changes. Um, you know, if we're all in that, in that cycle, the world is dangerous and we know that. So we've got to do our due diligence of going actually, hold on a minute. Yes, yes, that's out there. But this is my version of success and I'm going to keep connected to that.
Speaker 1:I'm not going to lose sight of it, because it's really important, because I have found recently that one of the truth telling pieces I've had to tell myself is being a mom running a business, actually running two businesses, a being a mum running a business, actually running two businesses, a wife they're the key things in my life really. There's other things, but they're key. Doing all of that in the time that I've got is just way too much and it's actually not sustainable. And we've talked about this, haven't we? And this idea of. But then I look at everybody else and I go well, everybody else is doing the same thing, everybody else is the same, everyone's hustling. All the mums are stressed, all the mums don't know how they're going to get through the summer, how they're going to get through the term. So we're all doing the same thing. So it's like, well, this is the norm and so this is what you have to do and that's a lie that I found myself caught up in recently.
Speaker 1:I what you have to do. And that's a lie that I found myself caught up in recently, where I was like, yeah, but everyone's the same, so get on with it, just do it, just do it, just do it. And it took a holiday for me of taking time out to look at the simplicity of life, nature, all the things that are there for us to enjoy, to make me go. I'm not buying into this lie anymore, because I choose, I'm in charge of myself and I'm responsible for me, and I'm responsible for my daughter, and I'm also responsible for, you know, the choices that I'm making in my daily life. So, no, that's not, that's not, it's not a sustainable thing and I'm not going to buy into it.
Speaker 1:So I mean, I'm in a place now, well, okay, so I know what the truth is. So now I'm I'm connecting the dots in a slightly different way and trying to work out, you know, what do I need to sort of feel wholehearted, to feel connected, to be present to exactly what's happening right now, and what is it that I'm going to need to do that, and then what things can just fall away that are just not important. You know that that are not adding anything to me or to the world, and it's kind of brass tacks a little bit.
Speaker 2:I, um, I had this realization over the weekend and I was sharing it with my best friend, that, um, this is the last summer that I'm going to have with my girls, in the sense that they both are finishing their formal education. So next summer one of them will have graduated and the other one will have passed their, um, their course, and they will be out there in the world. They won't be dictated by, um, the school systems, you know, breaks and uh. And the realization for me was oh my god, I've spent, you know, invested, the last 20 odd years of my life around my children, and that was as I wanted it to be. I chose, chose that.
Speaker 2:But then I'm like, oh my God, I have no drama, I have no stress in my life. And I said to my best friend, I'm, I'm waiting for the, the shoe to fall, almost, because everything just feels too easy at the moment. She said, lucy, she said, who says it has to be hard? And it was that, that truth back to me. I'm like, actually, like, actually, yeah, I don't need to hustle it's, that's not my version of success. So that was uh. So for me, over the next 10 years, it's going to be really exciting, because the only person I get to choose for is actually me, and that's that's kind of like. It's a bit overwhelming, almost, and a bit scary, because I'm not being dictated to by anybody. I get to make the rules and so, yeah, my, my worth, my version of success, um, is literally on my terms. That is terrifying exciting, it's fascinating.
Speaker 1:I know exactly what you're talking about, because I've been in those scenarios as well, where I've been like everything's working really well, what's what's going to happen next? And it's almost like you're kind of like on the precipice of something and you're looking over and you just need to take the next step, but you're almost like this feels too good, too easy, too, like you've had and this is where my, my saboteur comes in like you've had enough of that now get back to this, because this is, this is the, this is real life, this is not real life, you know, and that kind of like, almost like opening your arms up and you get to this point.
Speaker 1:But you know you can go further back and it feels really nice to stretch, but you're too scared to stretch to the back because you don't really know what that looks like yet, because it's not how it's been. You know what I mean. And brilliant, absolutely brilliant, that you can name that yeah, and so it.
Speaker 2:One of the other sides of it is um, and again it's the telling the truth to myself, and you and I have spoken about this um previously. It's about letting a little bit more of my inner self out into the world, and so I think traditionally we've called it the woo um. You know it's all a bit woo woo, but you know I have always been a spiritual creature. I've always had a profound love of nature, the outdoors, animals, insects, rainbows. I look at the moon. I've even been known to howl at the moon and just let it go.
Speaker 2:Um, but I don't share this publicly, like to my closest friends. They see elements of it and then if you come into my home, you'll see little trinkets and little things that I do rituals with. Um, and that's my own personal practice. And then I'm like, actually I don't care. Now I want to be able to share that with the world and the more that I do share that side of myself and stop keeping it secret. I'm just meeting more and more not just women who are also on that spiritual path, who also have practices, and you know they say, oh, I meditate, oh, I found some crystals, and whatever the thing is. I'm like, ah, we've just been forced to keep it secret and not tell the truth about who we are, so that's something I'm really excited about exploring.
Speaker 1:I think we're both on the same page with that, aren't we really? And I feel like you know you've got these pockets of people who kind of I mean, obviously women were burned for doing that. You know they were burned. Anyone who was connected to nature, to the earth, to the moon, who had a reverence of you know just the planet, to be honest were burned. If they had an intuition or they were seen as knowing something, they were burned.
Speaker 1:And we need that part of ourselves to come back to life again because it's been so incredibly suppressed. And even the language we use and the words we use to describe things today is safe, because we don't want. We don't want to be rejected and you know, not that we're going to be burnt at the stake, but the rest that there are consequences and costs. If you are labeled as woo in our world, you know, never mind what we do in private with our clients, we might do things in private because they want us to go there, they want to do a little bit of spiritual, we work with us. But it's not, it's just deep wisdom, it's as simple as that. It's connecting to something that is bigger than us and you know, there's an ancient voice that lives inside that we all have access to. That's it. It's as simple as that. For me, it goes.
Speaker 1:No. Yeah, well, it can go bigger than that, of course, but it's a simple, simple truth, and I'm just a little bit tired now of pretending or safeguarding. You know, just in case people judge us as being woo when it's deep wisdom. No to that anymore. I'm not there anymore. I feel like this is what people want and this is what women want.
Speaker 1:And I did a thing, you know, the weekend with a ritual, and I had the best response from people sending me messages because women want it. They don't necessarily want to do videos of themselves doing it Some do, but it's out there in the domain of the world. And why would we not connect to something that's beautiful and pure? Why would we not do that? Because what's the other alternative? That's where I go to, you know, beautiful and pure. Why would we not do that? Because what's the other alternative? That's where I go to, you know, I look at the darkness of what's out in the world and then I look at the work that I do and how I connect and the beauty of it and I think I think this needs to be more out there, to be honest, not less out there, because this is what the world needs.
Speaker 2:So there's an honoring there's this, the, the, the inner truth to everybody, and I truly believe this because when you look at a newborn baby, they are just all innocence and love and light and you know, perfectly perfect in every way, and that essence is still within all of us.
Speaker 2:And when I look at our own inner truth, yeah, we've got shadows and we've got the dark stuff and we've got regrets and everything like that. But actually the real truth is who am I? At my core, my essence, and doing those kind of rituals or those daily practices, whatever it looks like for you, and we can talk about some of the, the ones that we can use, but it's almost like a calling back in. We come back to ourselves, even if it's just for 10 minutes every day, and just center ourselves and get out of our heads and those saboteurs and everything, and just remember I'm safe, I'm love, I am worthy. And reminding yourself of that and and that's actually if, if the whole world just spent 10 minutes every day doing that, the world would be a healthier, more beautiful, unified world. I'm sure of it.
Speaker 1:Yeah, absolutely. So what are the things that bring you back to your truth about who you are?
Speaker 2:OK, so I have a moment for probably about five minutes when I first wake up and and I just, I don't know, it's like I'm not quite awake and I'm not asleep, and there's. I always get a lot of wisdom at that moment. So whether it's something that's come to me in my dreams I never remember my dreams but there's, there's an echo there and I get a feeling and I just do check in. It's like what, what's here with me now? Um, just whilst all snuggled up in my bed. So that's one check-in moment.
Speaker 2:Um, I also do my daily dog walk and, um, I got into a bit of a habit of listening to podcasts and I've stopped doing it again, um, because I realized actually I was connecting to that voice. I wasn't connecting to me. So I always know when I'm in the moment, because I can hear the birds sing. And when I can hear the birds sing, I'm like, okay, now I'm really grounded and we have a race course quite close to us and the grass is so lush and so, where possible, I always walk barefoot, because there's something that deeply connects me to the earth and the ground, or, if you're anywhere near a stream or some water, just putting your feet in water. Again, that makes me feel connected and I am a journaler so I often do that.
Speaker 2:And if something makes me feel moved whether I see a ladybird or a butterfly I always just stop and have a moment of gratitude mood. Whether I see a ladybird or a butterfly, I always just stop and have a moment of gratitude. So these are the like. There's lots and lots and lots of little moments in my day where I'm doing almost a ritual. What about yourself?
Speaker 1:sounds like you've got the touch points in place as well, which are really important. I think we have positive, healthy, medicinal touch points where we can, you know, just get reminded, and I I'm a big believer in that. I have. It's something that I bring in and out, but I'm back on it at the moment and it's a mindfulness bell and it's a little app on my phone and I set it in the morning and it just chimes every 50,. I have it on every 15 minutes and during that chime I stop what I'm doing, I just take a deep breath. It might time I stop what I'm doing, I just take a deep breath. It might be enough, but if I'm, sometimes I close my eyes, put my hand on my heart and say I am here and it is just the best thing, and it just fills me with joy every time I do it.
Speaker 2:Can we just pause and ask the listeners just to take a deep breath now?
Speaker 1:I am here yeah, I needed that, yeah, and it's just the most lovely way to spend your day really, and it's on as I'm working and it just reconnects me in and otherwise, if everything can feel a lot like a race and a push, and I'm that's why it's come back. It's something that I used to do a long time ago.
Speaker 1:You know, and as I'm trying to work out now this new phase for myself of you know, just I don't know what it is like. I want to give the phase a name, but it's more just about, you know, real appreciation of myself and of life and work and motherhood and just being where I am. But that is the point for me. That just makes me go.
Speaker 1:It's all good, you know, it's all good, just stop and smell the roses and if it's not good, I'll find out it's not good and I'll handle that.
Speaker 1:And then I've got other things that I do, like my tapping, my you know, my little pressure points and my breathing, and that's really it for me. I mean, there's so many things that we can do to support ourselves, but I think that I realize that I have three go-tos that I use on rotate um, and they're really competent, and I think that's the thing. I think sometimes we we're like magpies going what else do I need to learn? What else do I need to learn? And what else is there? Is there, that's out there, and nothing wrong with that. But sometimes it's just about cultivating what we we know and just using it and using it and using it, and then when those major moments happen in life, we they're, they're so entrenched in us that we go into automatic with it and it helps. So that's what I want to say find something that feels really good on the inside, just keep doing it. Just do it over and over and over and over again until you don't even realize you're doing it anymore.
Speaker 2:I love that and I've read something um, it's probably a meme or a video that came up over the weekend and it just said um, when you?
Speaker 2:Um think everything is bad, watch the news and it'll confirm it. If you think everything is bad, just go out in nature and it'll tell you the truth. And that is so important to me because, yeah, if you, if you're on um, whether it's social media or you're watching the news, that information or bad information is, it's just there all the time and whatever angle or algorithm wants to send you, it's just bad news, fear, fear, fear, and and it creates that division and it takes you into that saboteur place, whereas actually, if you just switch it off and look around your own home or your garden or go out in nature or just take that deep breath and look within, you realize that actually you've got everything you need. If we just slow down and just keep through, cut through the bs, um and the illusion, and actually just know that, yeah, there's love in your, your heart, there's love with amongst your family, your friends, with the universe or your environment, and actually that's all that we need in humanity and just a reminder of that every day.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and I'm just going to finish here with I mean, when I saw Marianne Williamson speak, who wrote A Return to Love a few it was a while ago now. She was talking about that and she was like, if we open up, we'll know where we need to go. It's like what would you have me do today? Where would you have me be? Who you know know, who should I be connecting to? Like the?
Speaker 1:The universe will give us what we need. We can guarantee that. It always has and it always will. And then there's this wider piece of it of like actually just opening up and just allowing ourselves to be led a little bit sometimes, you know, because there's a force of nature around us and inside us that is guiding us and we don't always know. So that is really, really important for me, and allowing ourselves to be that woman that opens up to the unknown and, you know, to be the woman that we already are in a way. So I'm going to close today and just recap that the truth cuts through illusion and love can hold all of your wounds. I encourage you to do reflective journaling and you can work with this question what truth am I most afraid to say out loud, and what would happen if I did.
Speaker 2:That's it for this episode of Say it, sister, if it moved you, made you think or made you even feel, seen, hit, follow, share it with a sister and leave us a review and remember your voice has power and your essence is wisdom.
Speaker 1:So speak your truth and live a true and empowered life. Until next time, say it, sister.