The Courage to Face What You've Been Hiding

We explore truth-telling in this episode, discussing how women are called to face their inner truths and the importance of naming what we truly feel.

• Lucy shares how becoming a "nag" in past relationships masked deeper unmet needs
• Our inner saboteurs mirror the patriarchal system and try to keep us playing small
• The trap of societal definitions of success often leads us away from our authentic values
• Connecting with our spiritual selves and wisdom has historically been suppressed
• Daily practices like mindfulness, nature connection, and deep breathing help us reconnect with our truth
• Recognizing and naming resentment is crucial for authentic relationships
• Success can be redefined as presence, meaningful connections, and inner peace

Reflect on this question: What truth are you most afraid to say out loud, and what would happen if you did?

Send us a comment, ask a question, or suggest a topic. We would love to hear from you

Transcript

Welcome to Save Sister Podcast

Speaker 1 0:00

Welcome to another episode of the Say it Sister Podcast brought to you by Wise Women . Lead founders Karen Heras-Kelly and Lucy .

Speaker 2 0:08

Barkis , this is your space for real , unfiltered conversations about womanhood , the messy , the magical and everything in between we're called upon to name the taboos , stigmas , stereotypes and lies that keep us stuck , so that we can rise and reign like queens .

Speaker 2 0:26

We open up spaces and deepen relationships that bring us closer to love and a better world for all . So get comfy , grab your favourite drink and let's say it , sister . Hey , there , sisters . So the last time we spoke , we talked about truth , and we're going to explore that a little further today , and we're chatting about our own inner truths Now .

Speaker 2 0:50

I truly believe that there comes a moment in every woman's life where we're called to face our truth . It might be a moment when the world quietens and we're simply with ourselves and whispers of truth emerge . Or we're called , through some kind of crisis or a change in our lives , to look at who we truly are and who we've been hiding . And it doesn't come crashing in . It usually happens as a questioning , a sleepless night , a longing that you can't ignore . So this conversation is about that brave truth telling , telling the truth to yourself , the kind you've been , you know , burying

Facing Our Truth

Speaker 2 1:30

within you an edited version , something you've been justifying or silencing to keep things peaceful , presentable , to survive , the truth that says I'm not happy here . So I welcome , karen . What truth are you here with today ?

Speaker 1 1:51

Well , for me it's about sharing the raw and walking down this winding path of looking , you know ourselves in the mirror and stop , and to stop pretending not to everyone , but definitely to ourselves . So we already know . I always go back to the same . We start with ourselves , we get to our core truth and then we work out who , how , when we share that . It's not like everybody gets to know my truth , because they certainly don't . Maybe on this podcast they do if they listen , um , but it's not something . I'm out there in the world being like this is my truth and this is my truth and hey , I , I'm going to tell you this . You know , I don't live like that . I'm discerning and I understand context , so , but I absolutely have to feel the truth of myself . And then I'm a bit more of a delayer , but I've noticed recently that I've started just saying things very , very directly and it's brilliant .

Speaker 1 2:47

Like I said to Rich this weekend . I said to Rich this weekend . I said to him um , I did , I got up early both days . So yesterday morning at six o'clock in the morning , whenever he woke up at like eight , I was like we need to share this and you need to do one one morning over the weekend and he just went and they didn't , and I said you're not looking at me . And he was like , okay , okay , that's fine . And I said , okay , great , so it's done , you know .

Speaker 1 3:04

So there's that part of me that speaks the truth and is more like , actually , this isn't working for me and I'm doing that much more in my personal life . So that's , that's a real , real blessings , because I feel like we have all of this emotional intelligence inside us . That's sort of pointing the way to say that's not working . That's not working . This is your truth . And if we ignore , then we become more fearful , I think , and then we fall silent .

Speaker 1 3:31

And there's a power in naming what we're feeling and sometimes it's what we're afraid to see and say but we owe it to ourselves because nothing changes if we stay silent . We say that all the time , don't we ? We owe it to ourselves because nothing changes if we stay silent . We say that all the time , don't we ? And for me , truth telling doesn't have to be shouting . It can be a quiet conversation or just two lines of something that you want to say ,

Breaking Free from Nagging Patterns

Speaker 1 3:58

but it's that conversation between the soul self , sometimes the shadow self , and finding that point in the middle , where the truth lies , and that's where the new begins .

Speaker 2 4:11

So let's jump in a little bit deeper , let's go into our truths . So here's one of my truths In past relationships that I've been in , I now admit that I became a nag , um , because I wasn't able to go to my truth about what was really going on with me . I would nag about the small stuff and sweat the small stuff and just be on repeat and nothing was changing because clearly I wasn't communicating what my wants and what I need was , and I hated being a nag as well , um and yeah , being in this repetitive cycle that just keeps going on . And then , during my um relationship coaching training um , we were given a tool which was called the disappointed dream or the the um complaint within the dream , and it really made me stop and look at all of those past relationships , all those past nags that I was doing , and just to confront what was the disappointment or the need that wasn't fulfilled . And what I realized very quickly was I would build a picture in my head about how I wanted something to be , and then I would almost just expect the other person to know what it was . And then , when my need wasn't fulfilled , then I would be annoyed , I would put it all out on them and that was the truth .

Speaker 2 5:38

That um I you know . Once I'd seen it , I couldn't unsee it and it became a real gift to myself . And I think this is something that a lot of women also face . Because we don't accept our truth , we don't look at our wants , our needs , who we want to be , what our unfulfilled dreams are . We don't want to go there because we want to keep the peace and we do end up just being a nag and it's the resentment piece as well .

Speaker 1 6:03

And then we get into resentment and I I'm a big fan of naming resentment because I feel like where that lives is where we are really in a bad place , because it it robs us of the joy , of the connection points we want in relationships , you know , and if you've got two people in resentment , I mean it's not a good recipe for a good , good partnership or relationship , is it ? So I feel like that's the stuff that we've not really been taught how to deal with . You know of going , and I I use the word all the time I'll say , oh , I'm getting into resentment , um , because you know what is the because ? Why am I in resentment ? What is it that I need ? Um , how can somebody help me with that ? Or is it just an acknowledgement piece with myself ? I don't think , until we can sort of name what's happening , we don't really know . Do we Spot on ? Yeah , so that's what I'm hearing when you talk about that . Well , what a brilliant exercise .

Speaker 1 6:53

And for me it's this idea as well of the inner critic . You know that we talk about the saboteur Now . It mirrors the system that we're in , so we . It mirrors the system that we're in , so we have the patriarchal system . That's the world that we're living

Battling Inner Saboteurs

Speaker 1 7:10

in right now . Um , you know , we have to face that . That's the truth .

Speaker 1 7:11

So our inner critics , our saboteurs , will mirror that , because it wants to keep us safe and it wants to keep us in a way so we don't step out too much , because if we step out too much , something that happened to us in the past , where we were very hurt , may happen again . So it's that piece . For me it's about being deceived into playing small , staying on the same path in the same space of survival where we can't get out of the survival , because if we do , we open up a whole new world and that could be dangerous . And how our real experiences are still living out in our lives , even though we're grown up , and how our real experiences are still living out in our lives even though we're grown up . So for me , it's about breaking the systematic I can never say that word the systematic , systematic , systemic , systemic lies that we've all been programmed into , so that we can just say , actually , who said that I do the childcare and you do this ? Who said that is that the best thing for us ?

Speaker 2 8:10

and questioning that on a deeper level . Oh , do you know what ? Getting to know my saboteur was one of the best exercises , and I still have to keep revisiting . And now I'm very familiar with my saboteur . I I know it's um . Well , it's a her .

Speaker 2 8:22

I know her voice , I know her tone . I know it's a her . I know her voice , I know her tone , I know some of the common phrases that she always comes up with . I know when she's going to appear because I'm doing something a little bit brave or something . That's not the good girl archetype that I should be . So she always raises her voice and now I stop and listen , to a degree , in the sense that sometimes she has some wisdom . And so before I go charging into something , and when she raises her voice I'm like , okay , let me , let me listen to that a little bit . I normally say , right , okay , I've heard you now , thank you , but go , go away . But that there's sometimes a little bit of just safety that just makes me pause and in that pause then I I find my sage voice and I go forth .

Speaker 2 9:12

But talking about , I guess , the , the patriarchy . Yes , my , my saboteur wants to protect the patriarchy and it's telling me that I should be a pleaser , that I should put other people's needs , um , before my own . Or I can't do this or I can't say that , because what will other people think ? So she is all about pleasing . She's all about giving , uh , without receiving anything , um . She's all about not being too much um , or having this shrill voice , or don't get over excited . Don't get over excited , don't get over emotional , don't be a nag . All of those things come up from that saboteur um , and it also the one that comes up time and time again is the one where it tries to equate my , the size of my body , with my worth . That one . That's the biggest truth that I have to constantly battle . And and I'm a laureate , I'll get all these beauty products . Be slim , because you're worth it . I'm like no , I'm worth it anyway , god . So every time I hear that one , I want to slap it . Yeah , no .

Speaker 1 10:21

And I think this is the world we've , you know , we've been brought up in and it's the world that we still live in . And now we've got , you know , injections that you can take that can help you lose so much weight . I know so many people that are , you know , doing that . Um , some for medical reasons , which is obviously a wise idea , but you know , you just get to the point where it's like , oh my god , it's just enough . You know , and really learning to love who we are and the being part of ourselves is valid . You know it's got to , it's got to start , it's got to be the beginning of the journey .

Speaker 1 10:54

I know we've not been trained that way , but the more we talk about it , the more we normalize that then it certainly is a big help for me . I mean , I find that there's this whole thing around patriarchy and capitalism . I don't want to get rid of capitalism that's not what I'm saying here , actually but the view and the version of success is weighed against something that you're doing . So success looks like , I mean , it changes a lot , doesn't it ? And you know it would have been like get married , have your children and successful career , the house , certain standard , the car .

Speaker 2 11:30

Are you just reading the transcript of my 20s ?

Speaker 1 11:33

I'm just going back into my own life , which will have been very similar to yours . You know it's like you do all these things , so it's like you work hard now and you get your rest later .

Speaker 1 11:41

But , as we know , unless you break the cycle , the rest never comes . And we still have to battle to find our rest , and we know this . So we are . I find myself a disconnect . I go , no , no , success isn't that . Success has been able to breathe at night . Success has been able to you know , know that I've been present for my daughter . Success is doing great work with women . I mean , it's layered .

Speaker 1 12:03

But then I can get caught up on that trap again of like the numbers and , um , you know , yeah , looking at the numbers , looking at how many people are viewing something , you know , we start to look at content how's the content going ? And we just find ourselves gradually , gradually , gradually , that version of success changes . Um , you know , if we're all in that , in that cycle , the world is dangerous and we know that . So we've got to do our due diligence of going actually , hold on a minute . Yes , yes , that's out there . But this is my version of success and I'm going to keep connected to that .

Speaker 1 12:38

I'm not going to lose sight of it , because it's really important , because I have found recently that one of the truth telling pieces I've had to tell myself is being a mom running a business , actually running two businesses , a being a mum running

Redefining Success on Your Terms

Speaker 1 12:50

a business , actually running two businesses , a wife they're the key things in my life really . There's other things , but they're key . Doing all of that in the time that I've got is just way too much and it's actually not sustainable . And we've talked about this , haven't we ? And this idea of . But then I look at everybody else and I go well , everybody else is doing the same thing , everybody else is the same , everyone's hustling . All the mums are stressed , all the mums don't know how they're going to get through the summer , how they're going to get through the term . So we're all doing the same thing . So it's like , well , this is the norm and so this is what you have to do and that's a lie that I found myself caught up in recently .

Speaker 1 13:29

I what you have to do . And that's a lie that I found myself caught up in recently , where I was like , yeah , but everyone's the same , so get on with it , just do it , just do it , just do it . And it took a holiday for me of taking time out to look at the simplicity of life , nature , all the things that are there for us to enjoy , to make me go . I'm not buying into this lie anymore , because I choose , I'm in charge of myself and I'm responsible for me , and I'm responsible for my daughter , and I'm also responsible for , you know , the choices that I'm making in my daily life . So , no , that's not , that's not , it's not a sustainable thing and I'm not going to buy into it .

Speaker 1 13:59

So I mean , I'm in a place now , well , okay , so I know what the truth is . So now I'm I'm connecting the dots in a slightly different way and trying to work out , you know , what do I need to sort of feel wholehearted , to feel connected , to be present to exactly what's happening right now , and what is it that I'm going to need to do that , and then what things can just fall away that are just not important . You know that that are not adding anything to me or to the world , and it's kind of brass tacks a little bit .

Speaker 2 14:29

I , um , I had this realization over the weekend and I was sharing it with my best friend , that , um , this is the last summer that I'm going to have with my girls , in the sense that they both are finishing their formal education . So next summer one of them will have graduated and the other one will have passed their , um , their course , and they will be out there in the world . They won't be dictated by , um , the school systems , you know , breaks and uh . And the realization for me was oh my god , I've spent , you know , invested , the last 20 odd years of my life around my children , and that was as I wanted it to be . I chose , chose that .

Speaker 2 15:09

But then I'm like , oh my God , I have no drama , I have no stress in my life . And I said to my best friend , I'm , I'm waiting for the , the shoe to fall , almost , because everything just feels too easy at the moment . She said , lucy , she said , who says it has to be hard ? And it was that , that truth back to me . I'm like , actually , like , actually , yeah , I don't need to hustle it's , that's not my version of success . So that was uh . So for me , over the next 10 years , it's going to be really exciting , because the only person I get to choose for is actually me , and that's that's kind of like . It's a bit overwhelming , almost , and a bit scary , because I'm not being dictated to by anybody . I get to make the rules and so , yeah , my , my worth , my version of success , um , is literally on my terms . That is terrifying exciting , it's fascinating .

Speaker 1 16:02

I know exactly what you're talking about , because I've been in those scenarios as well , where I've been like everything's working really well , what's what's going to happen next ? And it's almost like you're kind of like on the precipice of something and you're looking over and you just need to take the next step , but you're almost like this feels too good , too easy , too , like you've had and this is where my , my saboteur comes in like you've had enough of that now get back to this , because this is , this is the , this is real life , this is not real life , you know , and that kind of like , almost like opening your arms up and you get to this point .

Speaker 1 16:37

But you know you can go further back and it feels really nice to stretch , but you're too scared to stretch to the back because you don't really know what that looks like yet , because it's not how it's been . You know what I mean . And brilliant , absolutely brilliant , that you can name that yeah , and so it .

Speaker 2 16:52

One of the other sides of it is um , and again it's the telling the truth to myself , and you and I have spoken about this um previously . It's about letting a little bit more of my inner self

Embracing Our Spiritual Selves

Speaker 2 17:05

out into the world , and so I think traditionally we've called it the woo um . You know it's all a bit woo woo , but you know I have always been a spiritual creature . I've always had a profound love of nature , the outdoors , animals , insects , rainbows . I look at the moon . I've even been known to howl at the moon and just let it go .

Speaker 2 17:29

Um , but I don't share this publicly , like to my closest friends . They see elements of it and then if you come into my home , you'll see little trinkets and little things that I do rituals with . Um , and that's my own personal practice . And then I'm like , actually I don't care . Now I want to be able to share that with the world and the more that I do share that side of myself and stop keeping it secret . I'm just meeting more and more not just women who are also on that spiritual path , who also have practices , and you know they say , oh , I meditate , oh , I found some crystals , and whatever the thing is . I'm like , ah , we've just been forced to keep it secret and not tell the truth about who we are , so that's something I'm really excited about exploring .

Speaker 1 18:13

I think we're both on the same page with that , aren't we really ? And I feel like you know you've got these pockets of people who kind of I mean , obviously women were burned for doing that . You know they were burned . Anyone who was connected to nature , to the earth , to the moon , who had a reverence of you know just the planet , to be honest were burned . If they had an intuition or they were seen as knowing something , they were burned .

Speaker 1 18:39

And we need that part of ourselves to come back to life again because it's been so incredibly suppressed . And even the language we use and the words we use to describe things today is safe , because we don't want . We don't want to be rejected and you know , not that we're going to be burnt at the stake , but the rest that there are consequences and costs . If you are labeled as woo in our world , you know , never mind what we do in private with our clients , we might do things in private because they want us to go there , they want to do a little bit of spiritual , we work with us . But it's not , it's just deep wisdom , it's as simple as that . It's connecting to something that is bigger than us and you know , there's an ancient voice that lives inside that we all have access to . That's it . It's as simple as that . For me , it goes .

Speaker 1 19:22

No . Yeah , well , it can go bigger than that , of course , but it's a simple , simple truth , and I'm just a little bit tired now of pretending or safeguarding . You know , just in case people judge us as being woo when it's deep wisdom . No to that anymore . I'm not there anymore . I feel like this is what people want and this is what women want .

Speaker 1 19:46

And I did a thing , you know , the weekend with a ritual , and I had the best response from people sending me messages because women want it . They don't necessarily want to do videos of themselves doing it Some do , but it's out there in the domain of the world . And why would we not connect to something that's beautiful and pure ? Why would we not do that ? Because what's the other alternative ? That's where I go to , you know , beautiful and pure . Why would we not do that ? Because what's the other alternative ? That's where I go to , you know , I look at the darkness of what's out in the world and then I look at the work that I do and how I connect and the beauty of it and I think I think this needs to be more out there , to be honest , not less out there , because this is what the world needs .

Speaker 2 20:22

So there's an honoring there's this , the , the , the inner truth to everybody , and I truly believe this because when you look at a newborn baby , they are just all innocence and love and light and you know , perfectly perfect in every way , and that essence is still within all of us .

Speaker 2 20:43

And when I look at our own inner truth , yeah , we've got shadows and we've got the dark stuff and we've got regrets and everything like that . But actually the real truth is who am I ? At my core , my essence , and doing those kind of rituals or those daily practices , whatever it looks like for you , and we can talk about some of the , the ones that we can use , but it's almost like a calling back in . We come back to ourselves , even if it's just for 10 minutes every day , and just center ourselves and get out of our heads and those saboteurs and everything , and just remember I'm safe , I'm love , I am worthy . And reminding yourself of that and and that's actually if , if the whole world just spent 10 minutes every day doing that , the world would be a healthier , more beautiful , unified world . I'm sure of it .

Speaker 1 21:34

Yeah , absolutely . So what are the things that bring you back to your truth about who you are ?

Daily Practices for Truth Connection

Speaker 2 21:40

OK , so I have a moment for probably about five minutes when I first wake up and and I just , I don't know , it's like I'm not quite awake and I'm not asleep , and there's . I always get a lot of wisdom at that moment . So whether it's something that's come to me in my dreams I never remember my dreams but there's , there's an echo there and I get a feeling and I just do check in . It's like what , what's here with me now ? Um , just whilst all snuggled up in my bed . So that's one check-in moment .

Speaker 2 22:13

Um , I also do my daily dog walk and , um , I got into a bit of a habit of listening to podcasts and I've stopped doing it again , um , because I realized actually I was connecting to that voice . I wasn't connecting to me . So I always know when I'm in the moment , because I can hear the birds sing . And when I can hear the birds sing , I'm like , okay , now I'm really grounded and we have a race course quite close to us and the grass is so lush and so , where possible , I always walk barefoot , because there's something that deeply connects me to the earth and the ground , or , if you're anywhere near a stream or some water , just putting your feet in water . Again , that makes me feel connected and I am a journaler so I often do that .

Speaker 2 23:01

And if something makes me feel moved whether I see a ladybird or a butterfly I always just stop and have a moment of gratitude mood . Whether I see a ladybird or a butterfly , I always just stop and have a moment of gratitude . So these are the like . There's lots and lots and lots of little moments in my day where I'm doing almost a ritual . What about yourself ?

Speaker 1 23:16

sounds like you've got the touch points in place as well , which are really important . I think we have positive , healthy , medicinal touch points where we can , you know , just get reminded , and I I'm a big believer in that . I have . It's something that I bring in and out , but I'm back on it at the moment and it's a mindfulness bell and it's a little app on my phone and I set it in the morning and it just chimes every 50, . I have it on every 15 minutes and during that chime I stop what I'm doing , I just take a deep breath . It might time I stop what I'm doing , I just take a deep breath . It might be enough , but if I'm , sometimes I close my eyes , put my hand on my heart and say I am here and it is just the best thing , and it just fills me with joy every time I do it .

Speaker 2 23:56

Can we just pause and ask the listeners just to take a deep breath now ?

Speaker 1 24:03

I am here yeah , I needed that , yeah , and it's just the most lovely way to spend your day really , and it's on as I'm working and it just reconnects me in and otherwise , if everything can feel a lot like a race and a push , and I'm that's why it's come back . It's something that I used to do a long time ago .

Speaker 1 24:26

You know , and as I'm trying to work out now this new phase for myself of you know , just I don't know what it is like . I want to give the phase a name , but it's more just about , you know , real appreciation of myself and of life and work and motherhood and just being where I am . But that is the point for me . That just makes me go .

Speaker 1 24:49

It's all good , you know , it's all good , just stop and smell the roses and if it's not good , I'll find out it's not good and I'll handle that .

Speaker 1 24:56

And then I've got other things that I do , like my tapping , my you know , my little pressure points and my breathing , and that's really it for me . I mean , there's so many things that we can do to support ourselves , but I think that I realize that I have three go-tos that I use on rotate um , and they're really competent , and I think that's the thing . I think sometimes we we're like magpies going what else do I need to learn ? What else do I need to learn ? And what else is there ? Is there , that's out there , and nothing wrong with that . But sometimes it's just about cultivating what we we know and just using it and using it and using it , and then when those major moments happen in life , we they're , they're so entrenched in us that we go into automatic with it and it helps . So that's what I want to say find something that feels really good on the inside , just keep doing it . Just do it over and over and over and over again until you don't even realize you're doing it anymore .

Speaker 2 25:48

I love that and I've read something um , it's probably a meme or a video that came up over the weekend and it just said um , when you ?

Speaker 2 25:59

Um think everything is bad , watch the news and it'll confirm it . If you think everything is bad , just go out in nature and it'll tell you the truth . And that is so important to me because , yeah , if you , if you're on um , whether it's social media or you're watching the news , that information or bad information is , it's just there all the time and whatever angle or algorithm wants to send you , it's just bad news , fear , fear , fear , and and it creates that division and it takes you into that saboteur place , whereas actually , if you just switch it off and look around your own home or your garden or go out in nature or just take that deep breath and look within , you realize

Closing Thoughts and Reflections

Speaker 2 26:40

that actually you've got everything you need . If we just slow down and just keep through , cut through the bs , um and the illusion , and actually just know that , yeah , there's love in your , your heart , there's love with amongst your family , your friends , with the universe or your environment , and actually that's all that we need in humanity and just a reminder of that every day .

Speaker 1 27:08

Yeah , and I'm just going to finish here with I mean , when I saw Marianne Williamson speak , who wrote A Return to Love a few it was a while ago now . She was talking about that and she was like , if we open up , we'll know where we need to go . It's like what would you have me do today ? Where would you have me be ? Who you know know , who should I be connecting to ? Like the ?

Speaker 1 27:30

The universe will give us what we need . We can guarantee that . It always has and it always will . And then there's this wider piece of it of like actually just opening up and just allowing ourselves to be led a little bit sometimes , you know , because there's a force of nature around us and inside us that is guiding us and we don't always know . So that is really , really important for me , and allowing ourselves to be that woman that opens up to the unknown and , you know , to be the woman that we already are in a way . So I'm going to close today and just recap that the truth cuts through illusion and love can hold all of your wounds . I encourage you to do reflective journaling and you can work with this question what truth am I most afraid to say out loud , and what would happen if I did .

Speaker 2 28:22

That's it for this episode of Say it , sister , if it moved you , made you think or made you even feel , seen , hit , follow , share it with a sister and leave us a review and remember your voice has power and your essence is wisdom .

Speaker 1 28:36

So speak your truth and live a true and empowered life . Until next time , say it , sister .