Body image issues in gay men - Body dysmorphia.

In today's episode Alan Cox, an international Life Coach working with gay men, examines the issue of body image. 
He looks at its origins, how it affects us and how toxic it can be. 
The follow up episode on body image will be setting out how life coaching techniques can be used to counter this so that gay men can live empowered lives.

Transcript

Hello, and welcome back to Empowering Gay Men the podcast dedicated to celebrating the diverse lives, experiences, and achievements of gay men around the world. I’m your host, Alan Cox, and I work as a life coach with gay men. 

In a world where the voices of gay men have often been marginalized or silenced, this podcast aims to create a vibrant space where we can share our stories, celebrate our successes, and confront the unique challenges we face. 

But this podcast is more than just a series of conversations or questions. I want it to be a community, a support system, and a source of strength for anyone who identifies as a gay man or as an ally.

In today’s episode, I want to examine the subject of body image and how it affects the lives of gay men. We will look at a definition of body image; trace its origins and see how it manifests itself as an issue for gay men. The follow up episode will set out how issues surrounding body image can be tackled through life coaching.

But first of all, let’s look at a definition: 

Body image issues for gay men refer to negative perceptions, attitudes, and feelings about their own bodies, often influenced by societal, cultural, and community-specific standards. These issues can result in dissatisfaction with one's appearance, preoccupation with achieving certain physical ideals, and emotional distress related to body size, shape, and other physical characteristics.

So where do issues regarding body images in gay men come from?

The first is:

1. Societal and Media Influences.

They both promote idealised media representations.

Mainstream media often portrays idealized and often unattainable body types, emphasizing masculinity, muscularity, leanness, and specific aesthetic traits. And let’s face it, how many of us have swallowed this nonsense and chased the impossible?  

Basically, certain elements of society and media try to claim that unless you have a 6 pack and buns of steel then you don’t have that much value as a gay man. So where does that leave the majority of gay men, including myself, who don’t fit that ‘ideal’?

Then there is a lack of diversity in the media and society which means a limited representation of diverse body types and appearances that reinforce narrow beauty standards. This usually boils down to showing white men at the expense of men of colour or of an Asian background. Then, quite often this centres on more specific ideas of idealised beauty – the Aryan – blonde hair and blue eyes. It’s more marketable for companies to portray men in that way.

 Now we have standards set by the heteronormative world. These are societal expectations around masculinity and attractiveness, which are often unrealistic and rigid. All men are meant to be masculine, strong and ripped. But guess what? The majority aren’t so why do we as gay men even consider how the straight world tries to define what a man is? 

The writer Michael Cunningham sums this up in the following quote:

‘I was not ladylike, nor was I manly. I was something else altogether. There were so many different ways to be beautiful.” 

This section looked at societal and media influences. These can also be combined to include social media. 

Chris Stedman, a lecturer at Augsburg University, wrote that:

‘Social media exacerbates body dysmorphia because it’s so easy to dehumanize online. People and their bodies can be reduced to things strangers can comment on.’

And of course, we also have fashion and advertising. Certain industries promote and profit from idealized body images, perpetuating stereotypes and unrealistic expectations. When I had a business I was actually told by the people who trained me to only use advertisements showing white children with blonde hair and blue eyes, and preferably girls only, because they appealed the most to people trying to buy into my services. Other ethnicities weren’t considered as valuable. It’s the same thing with the fashion industry. Their unrealistic expectations disempower gay men and we need to reject what they consider as the ‘norm.’

Now we turn to another factor, that of Community Dynamics.

Sometimes as a gay community, if there is any such thing, we don’t do ourselves any favours. There are gay community standards where certain subcultures within the gay community may prioritize specific body types, such as "twinks" (slim, youthful and handsome) or "bears" (larger, frequently older and hairier men), creating pressures to conform to these ideals. 

And let’s face it, a gay man can only be considered a twink for so many years. There is a shelf life. But ‘ twinks’ are quite often considered as frivolous, lacking in intellect or experience. Why can’t a younger man be considered empowered, intelligent and a force for good? 

Regarding the so called ‘bears’, I’ve known friends who have had pressure put on them by their partners to be larger and hairier even though they didn’t want to be. This made them incredibly unhappy but they wanted to please their partner. The lesson here is – please yourself first and if there is an unfair expectation from a partner that you are not happy with then move on.

Another factor is social comparison. 

This involves an increased likelihood of comparing oneself to peers within the community, especially in environments that emphasize physical appearance, such as gay clubs, social media, and dating apps.

Which of us hasn’t gone to a gay club and thought: ‘Wow! That guy is gorgeous. I couldn’t possibly….’

I will tell you a real story though. I was married for sixteen years. I met my ex-husband in a gay pub in London where I stopped after visiting the supermarket for washing powder – yes, it’s a real soap story!

I sat down and took out a book, I usually go everywhere with one, and was suddenly aware of a man sitting close by who looked like a typical American Jock. I thought he was incredibly handsome but then the thoughts kicked in. 

I thought I wasn’t good looking enough for him to be attracted to me. I would be punching above my weight so I turned back to my book while listening to two lesbians sitting at the next table. 

To this day their conversation still makes me laugh out loud.

‘How did your mum know you were a lesbian?’

‘It’s when Dusty died. She said I’d cried too much!’

Then all of a sudden this ‘American Jock’ came over and asked, with a foreign accent, whether I would like to have another glass of wine. How could this perfect ‘god’ be interested in me? And that’s what so many of us tell ourselves the whole time.

I stumbled and accepted. He went to the bar and the two lesbians turned round and informed me I’d ‘pulled.’ Seriously? I had no idea. 

My own personal way of thinking meant that I never considered for one moment that someone such as this man would be interested in me. That was all a result of issues with my body image.

Then we have personal experiences which can involve bullying and teasing.

These can begin at a very early stage in childhood and adolescence. 

There’s the old English adage of, ‘Sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me’. 
 That’s utter nonsense. Names hurt and they stick and they can prevail unless addressed by methods such as life coaching. The singer Pink also acknowledged this when she sung about how the sticks and stones, ‘they may break these bones’ but this can be overcome. 

Going back to the theme of childhood development, there is also peer rejection. Society frequently portrays children as sweet little darlings but they can also be absolutely vindictive and judgemental. This means an early rejection based on physical appearance can reinforce negative body perceptions. I was not a sporty child. I have limited vision in my right eye and I have previously described how I was always put into goal despite the fact I couldn’t see a ball coming towards me.  Then I would get hit by the ball or other kids because I’d let the ball in!

Therefore, I was rejected and shunned by the children who were seen as sporty.

But guess what! In the last seventeen years I have run five London marathons and thirteen half-marathons. I did that for myself though and not to fit into a societal expectation. I wonder how many of those former children who fitted in could say the same thing.

So far, we have described a wider societal expectation regarding body image. Now it’s time to crunch down on a more personal level and start with family dynamics and parental expectations. This means pressure from family members to conform to traditional gender roles or body standards.

Most parents expect to become grandparents and although this has become easier for gay men or women in the last twenty years or so the expectation is still there. I know that I was expected to become engaged at eighteen and married at twenty-one. That’s what everyone did. 

There was an incredible amount of pressure on me to have a girlfriend and get married at an early age. It was the done thing. And so, I went out with a girl for two years. I asked her to marry me and she declined. Just as well since she later came out as a lesbian.

 Issues regarding body image can be externalised and that is what I and many other gay men go through. The image was that of walking down a church aisle to marry the woman I loved – preferably in a masculine way and looking buffed. Thank god she said no! She is a very happy mother of two and has been married to her wife for years.

4. Next we examine the question of Intersectionality.

Let’s begin with race and ethnicity.

Gay men of color may face compounded pressures from both racial and sexual identity contexts, leading to unique body image challenges. Black men might feel the need to straighten their hair or Asian men to lighten the colour of their skin. You only have to look at some of the entrants on pageants such as Mister International to see how the majority of men are trying to fit a stereotypical image. A recent contestant representing Thailand was the result of a mixed marriage – English father and Thai mother. Yet he represented Thailand. He may have been considered more desirable and marketable than someone who was the child of just two Thai parents. He appeared very ‘westernised.’

Then there are issues surrounding disability. Apart from limited vision in one eye I am basically healthy. But imagine the challenges some gay people who are physically disabled might face. Where does someone in a wheelchair fit into in the wider gay world? Of course, they should be able to express their sexuality in the same way as everyone else  but do they? How easy is it for a physically disabled man to date a more abled man? And then there’s the element of intimacy. I’m sure that a lot of disabled gay men feel judged even before they go into a bar or go online. They don’t fit that stereotype. Their body isn’t one that the outside world recognises and it should. Therefore, many disabled men internalise a poor body image and just stay at home.

5. Then there is Internalized Homophobia.

In two other podcasts, and a book on the subject, I have described internalised homophobia as the biggest issue that disempowers gay men. It shows itself in negative self-perceptions where men absorb social and cultural stigmas about homosexuality. This is then internalised and becomes a belief which can manifest as self-criticism and dissatisfaction with one's body. Please refer back to those episodes because they contain ways in which Life Coaching can tackle and defeat internalised homophobia.

6.  Next there is the social and dating app culture.

Social apps such as Grindr play a big part in many gay men’s lives. I met two partners through them. But the apps frequently emphasize physical appearance via photos and profiles, encouraging superficial judgments and comparisons. My partner of two and a half years reminds me frequently of  how I had claimed how proud I was of my body. It was a boast designed to hook him in. 

He’s still with me though despite the fact that I haven’t quite maintained my profile picture. 

By the way, one of the first things we decided to do when we embarked on a committed and monogamous relationship was to drop these sites. We were surprised how liberating that was. Checking on the apps had become a form of addiction and when gay men constantly compare themselves to others then they do face the risk of issues surrounding their body image.

Then there is the action of likes and matches on social apps where someone can swipe left to accept someone and right to reject. That is based purely on the appearance of someone. Again, by engaging in these sites or apps we run the risk of reinforcing pressure based on our own body image. 

 7. Now let’s examine health and fitness culture. 

Gym Culture was examined recently in the gay magazine Out in an article called ‘Gay Gym culture has a deadly downside’ (April 2024) and written by Alexander Cheves. 

The gym forms a regular part of many gay men’s lives in an attempt to change their body shape – beef up or tone up – and certain companies deliberately market the gym as a gay haven. 

The clinical psychologist Alan Downs, in the work ‘The Velvet Rage’, states that gay ‘bodybuilding can be an attempt to ward off feelings of inadequacy in a culture that marginalizes us.’

Gym environments can emphasize body aesthetics, promoting a culture of achieving and maintaining an ideal physique. The pressure is on to conform to a certain body image. A cartoon did the rounds a few years ago. It showed a buff and fit man flexing his muscles in front of a mirror and representing an ideal image. Yet, the thought bubble revealed him as saying: ‘Yep. Still dead inside.’

Then there is the prevalence of using steroids and supplements to achieve the perfect look. More and more gay men are turning to steroids at the exact time that body dysmorphia is increasing. There is a correlation. According to the historian Sacha Coward ‘An ‘average’ body for a man in 2024 approaches what was an ‘elite’ or ‘model’ physique in the 1990s.’   

Now that we have looked at the sources behind body image issues in gay men, let’s turn and look at how it manifests itself.

Issues surrounding body image can significantly affect gay men in various aspects of their lives, impacting their mental health, physical well-being, social relationships, and overall quality of life. Here are some key ways in which body image issues affect gay men.

Number 1. Mental Health

This is low self-esteem: - that feeling that I had in 2000 when I compared how I looked to the man who would eventually become my husband. He was the American ‘Jock’ – he turned out to be South African though - and I was just an ordinary English bloke. Low self-esteem means that we never feel good enough. There’s always someone we can compare ourselves to and find that we are lacking in some way.

And so we have comparison anxiety. If you have issues surrounding your body image then you will compare yourself constantly to idealized body standards that can exacerbate feelings of inadequacy. You’ll never be ripped enough or your BMI low enough so you’ll continue to push yourself as much as you can.

There are multiple mental health disorders arising from issues based on body image.

Depression: Body image issues are often linked to higher rates of depression among gay men. Unfortunately gay men are still more likely to suffer from depression and suicide than their straight counterparts.

Anxiety: Preoccupation with appearance can contribute to chronic anxiety and stress.

Eating Disorders: Increased risk of developing eating disorders such as anorexia, bulimia, or binge eating. According to the Toledo Centre 38% of LGBTQ youth have been diagnosed with, or suspected of, an eating disorder. But what would the percentage be in older gay men who have more control of what they choose to eat? How many gay men either binge eat or abstain totally in order to lose weight so they can associate with the idealised body image? As a side note, according to NBC News – 18 December 2020 – bisexual men are more likely to be living with an eating disorder than gay or straight men. That is definitely an area for someone to look into.

2. Then there is physical health with unhealthy behaviors.

I’ve already covered extreme dieting which is engaging in restrictive diets to achieve or maintain a certain body type.

Coupled with this is excessive exercise to the point of physical harm in pursuit of an ideal physique. Some men will ignore the level of injury that they may have accrued just to reach that idealised goal. Thinking of the moment, and not so much about the future, when injuries sustained now and ignored can lead to a debilitating condition later.

There is also substance abuse: Using steroids, diet pills, or other substances to alter one’s  physical appearance. I’ve already mentioned this in the context of the gym. But a lot of gay men also use alcohol as a way of controlling body mass. That might seem a bit strange but I have known many men who have avoided beer and instead concentrated on spirits with diet tonic because they were less calorific.

I think I should probably place cosmetic enhancements into this section. In the search of what is perceived as perfection many gay men choose to have various treatments designed to push them towards their goal of the ideal body image. I know of men who have had hair transplants; flown to Turkey for dental treatment and even had rhinoplasty. But guess what? They had already looked fine. The only person to actually benefit was the surgeon and their team.

3.  Social Relationships

As well as a personal impact, an issue with body image has a broader societal one. A gay man might feel that they can’t interact and so might become isolated socially. He might demonstrate avoidance behavior meaning that they avoid social situations, intimacy, or activities where the body is exposed due to embarrassment or fear of judgment such as a beach or a swimming pool. They might withdraw from social interactions and relationships due to a negative self-image. I have been in correspondence with a gay man who says he his partner sleeps in bed with a tee shirt on and is only ever naked when he has a shower. They only ever have sex when the lights are off. That is quite an extreme example of a gay man having issues with body image.

Many other gay men might have issues surrounding intimacy in general. This isn’t helped by the prevalence of porn where the majority of the performers do have what is seen as an idealised body. I remember watching Jeff Stryker when I was in my mid-twenties and feeling wholly inadequate

. Issues surrounding intimacy can also lead to risky behaviour in some gay men. It might be easier to have numerous one night stands than to have a relationship. After all, if one has numerous encounters then you don’t have to commit yourself emotionally.

4.  There is a community and cultural impact when men are affected by issues based on body image. I’ve already described the pressure to conform to specific body standards within the gay community, such as being fit, muscular, or youthful. But what happens to older men such as myself? Where do we fit in? So many older gay men withdraw from social contact due to their age. When I was 18 I thought 30 was old and past it. Now I’m in my late fifties I don’t even see 70 as that old. 

Many men who have issues surrounding their body image also display body shaming tendencies. They believe that their bodies don’t fit a certain image so they turn that personal angst outwards and criticise those that they view as being less perfect than them. As well as being a body image centred phenomenon it is also a symptom of internalised homophobia. This was covered in a previous podcast.

5. Emotional Well-being is affected widely by a poor body image.

Body Dysmorphia is probably one of the main manifestations. 

According to the British NHS it is:

 ‘A mental health condition where a person spends a lot of time worrying about flaws in their appearance’. These flaws are often unnoticeable to others.

People of any age can have BDD, but it's most common in teenagers and young adults. It affects both men and women.

Having BDD does not mean you're vain or self-obsessed. It can be very upsetting and have a big impact on your life.

The symptoms of body dysmorphic disorder include: 

-          Worrying  a lot about a specific area of your body (particularly your face)

-          Spending  a lot of time comparing your looks with other people's

-          Looking at yourself in mirrors a lot or avoiding mirrors altogether

-          Going to a lot of effort to conceal flaws – for example, by spending a long time combing your hair, applying make-up or choosing clothes

-          And picking at your skin to make it "smooth"

BDD can seriously affect your daily life, including your work, social life and relationships.                                                                                                               

Then there is also emotional distress including:

Shame and Guilt: Feeling ashamed or guilty about one's body, which can erode self-esteem and happiness and leads to hopelessness and believing that one will never meet body ideals.

6. Finally, there is professional and academic performance.

Distraction: Preoccupation with body image can detract from focus and productivity in work or academic settings.

And 

Motivation: Low self-esteem and mental health issues can reduce motivation and performance.

A low body image can affect opportunities such as 

Networking, the avoidance of social and professional networking opportunities due to body image concerns and career advancement: Potentially missing out on career advancement opportunities due to lack of confidence.

This has been quite an intense episode to write. I hadn’t anticipated it as such and was surprised how much I had been affected by it on a personal level. 

And now for a confession. As I write this particular section, I am wearing an ABS stimulator because I am due to appear on a tv program. I wanted to improve the image I might present to the outside world. 

So even gay life coaches can be affected by issues surrounding body image.

In our next episode we will be looking at how life coaching can be used to support gay men who are struggling with issues surrounding body image. It would be a good idea to relisten to the episodes on how life coaching can tackle internalised homophobia and a lack of self-love.

Thank you for listening to Empowering Gay Men the podcast. I look forward to catching up with you in the next episode. 

 I became an accredited Life Coach through an organisation called Coaching Masters. If you are interested in a career in Life Coachng then I would recommend them.

There is a referral link below if you would like to contact them.

https://thecoachingmasters.com/exclusive-masterclass/c/0u4jf

https://thecoachingmasters.com/membership/c/0u4jf

In the next episode of Empowering Gay Men, the podcast I will be focusing on how ADHD can affect gay men. This will be followed by an episode investigating how life coaching techniques can be used to counter it.

In the meantime, please feel free to contact me on:

empoweringgaymen@gmail.com

And please do so if you have been affected personally with this issue and need to work through it with a professional Life Coach. I offer sessions on a one to one basis or in a group.  

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Wishing you always an empowered life.

Alan

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