The Gay Monogamy Coach. Episode 1. The Monogamy blueprint.

Episode Summary

In this inaugural episode, Alan Cox introduces the concept of the "Monogamy Blueprint" - a framework for gay men to consciously design committed relationships that align with their authentic values and desires.

Key Topics Explored

Who This Podcast Is For

• Gay men currently in monogamous relationships seeking to strengthen them
• Single gay men desiring monogamy but struggling to find it
• Those questioning whether monogamy is right for them
• Men in open relationships reconsidering their path

The Seven Cornerstones of the Monogamy Blueprint

1. Conscious Definition

• Taking time to specifically define what monogamy means to you
• Understanding that definitions vary: sexual exclusivity, emotional boundaries, online interactions
• Client story: Michael and James, who discovered they had different definitions after five years together

2. Cultural Context

• Navigating the complex relationship with monogamy as gay men
• Addressing the pressure against monogamy in some gay circles
• Client story: Brad, who felt his desire for monogamy made him "boring" or "assimilationist"

3. Motivation Clarity

• Examining why you want monogamy - fear-based vs. positive motivations
• The importance of choosing monogamy rather than defaulting to it
• Client story: Marcus, who realized his desire for monogamy was about presence, not possessiveness

4. Needs Assessment

• Evaluating which core needs must be met within a monogamous relationship
• Balancing expectations with reality
• Client story: Jason and David, whose seven-year relationship faced challenges over unmet needs

5. Sustainable Agreements

• Creating living agreements that evolve over time
• Components of effective agreements: clear boundaries, communication protocols, support systems, renewal mechanisms
• Client story: Richard and Steven's quarterly "relationship summits" over 20 years

6. Identity Integration

• Reconciling gay identity with monogamous commitment
• Understanding the historical context of gay liberation and sexual freedom
• Client story: Terry, who worried monogamy would betray his advocacy for sexual freedom

7. Growth Orientation

• Designing a relationship that fosters development rather than constraint
• How security and trust create foundations for personal transformation
• Client story: William and Luis, whose secure bond supported individual growth

Practical Exercises

1. Values Excavation: Identify your top five relationship values and consider how monogamy supports or challenges each
2. Boundary Clarification: Imagine different scenarios to identify your personal boundaries within monogamy
3. Motivation Examination: Complete "I want monogamy because..." to discover deeper motivations

Resources Mentioned

• Alan's book: "From Casual to Committed"
• Free 30-minute Blueprint Consultation
• ICF-accredited Life Coach training through Coaching Masters

Connect With Alan

• Email: gaymonogamycoach@gmail.com
• Website: gaymonogamycoach.com
• Instagram: @GayMonogamyCoach

Episode Music

• La Nouvelle Lune by Reveille

The Gay Monogamy Coach Podcast explores the unique challenges and opportunities of monogamous relationships for gay men, providing insights, strategies, and permission

Transcript

Gay Monogamy Coach Podcast

Episode 1: "The Monogamy blueprint: Designing committed gay relationships."

Hosted by Alan Cox, Gay Life Coach & Author

Welcome to the Gay Monogamy Coach Podcast. I'm your host, Alan Cox—life coach, author, and advocate for monogamous gay relationships. If you're looking to build, strengthen, or reimagine a committed partnership that truly serves your authentic self, you've come to the right place.

 Let me start by saying something that might feel revolutionary in some gay circles: Monogamy is a valid and fulfilling choice for gay men. I know—shocking, right?  

For too many of us, the narrative around gay relationships has been limited. We're often told, explicitly or implicitly, that commitment and exclusivity aren't natural for gay men. That we're somehow hardwired for multiple partners or that monogamy is just a heteronormative construct we're trying to force ourselves into.

Today, I want to dismantle those assumptions and help you design a relationship blueprint that aligns with your deepest values and desires—not what anyone else thinks gay relationships should look like.

My name is Alan Cox, and  I've dedicated my practice to helping gay men build authentic, thriving relationships. As a gay man who has navigated these waters myself—including all the doubts, challenges, and cultural pressures—I know firsthand the unique journey that brings us to committed partnership.

This podcast is for gay men who are:

• Currently in monogamous relationships and looking to strengthen them
• Single and desiring monogamy but struggling to find it
• Questioning whether monogamy is right for you
• Or even those currently in open relationships who are reconsidering their path

Wherever you are on your journey, I'm here to offer insights, strategies, and most importantly, permission to choose what truly resonates with you.

 So why am I launching with "The Monogamy Blueprint" as our first episode? Because every successful relationship starts with conscious design. Without a clear blueprint—an intentional vision of what you're building together—you're essentially constructing a house without plans, hoping it somehow doesn't collapse.

Let's start with a question I ask all my clients: What does monogamy actually mean to you?

It's fascinating how rarely we examine this. We use the word "monogamous" as if we all agree on its definition, but in my coaching practice, I've discovered that everyone has slightly different boundaries, expectations, and visions of what constitutes commitment.

For some, it's strictly about sexual exclusivity. For others, it encompasses emotional fidelity as well. Some include restrictions on flirting, while others are comfortable with playful banter as long as certain lines aren't crossed.

There's no universally "correct" definition—what matters is that you and your partner (or future partner) have clarity and alignment on what you're committing to.

 Let me share a client story that illustrates why this clarity is so crucial. I worked with Michael and James, who came to me after five years together. They identified as monogamous from day one, but they were experiencing increasing tension and trust issues.

Through our sessions, we discovered that while both genuinely wanted monogamy, they had never explicitly discussed what that meant. For Michael, maintaining active friendships with exes felt natural and harmless. For James, those relationships crossed an emotional boundary he considered part of their monogamous agreement.

Neither was wrong—they simply had different blueprints for their relationship, but they'd never compared notes. Once we clarified these differences, they could consciously decide where their boundaries as a couple would lie.

This brings me to the first cornerstone of your monogamy blueprint: Conscious Definition.

Take time to define what monogamy means specifically for you. Is it purely sexual exclusivity? Does it include emotional boundaries? What about online interactions or fantasies? There are no right or wrong answers, but there needs to be clarity and agreement.

The second cornerstone of your blueprint is Cultural Context.

As gay men, we navigate a complex relationship with monogamy. Many of us grew up without visible, healthy models of committed gay relationships. Our community has historically created alternative relationship structures as a response to oppression and exclusion from traditional marriage.

These alternative models are absolutely valid choices. But the pendulum can swing too far, creating pressure against monogamy in some gay circles. I've worked with countless clients who feel they need to justify their desire for monogamy, as if it makes them less authentically gay.

Brad, another client, shared how he'd been made to feel "boring" or "assimilationist" for wanting exclusivity. In his words: "I started to wonder if there was something wrong with me for wanting just one partner when it seemed like everyone around me was choosing openness."

This is where understanding your cultural context becomes vital. Recognize the influences shaping your views on relationships—family expectations, religious background, gay community norms, media portrayals—and consciously decide which to embrace and which to release.

Your desire for monogamy is not a rejection of gay culture or identity. It's one authentic expression of who you are.

The third cornerstone of your monogamy blueprint is Motivation Clarity.

Why do you want monogamy? This might seem obvious, but examining your true motivations can be revelatory.

Some men choose monogamy from a place of insecurity or fear—fear of abandonment, fear of comparison, fear of sexually transmitted infections. While these concerns may be valid, fear-based motivations often lead to controlling behaviors and relationship strain.

Others choose monogamy from a place of convenience or default—"it's just what people do"—without examining whether it truly aligns with their desires.

The strongest foundation for monogamy comes from positive motivations: the desire for depth over breadth in connection, the joy of building a shared life and history, the growth that comes from working through challenges with one partner, the intimacy that develops through sustained vulnerability with the same person.

Ask yourself: "Am I choosing monogamy, or is it choosing me by default?" If it's truly your choice, what positive outcomes are you seeking?

Marcus, a client in his forties, had an important realization during our work together. After several open relationships that left him feeling disconnected, he recognized that his desire for monogamy wasn't about possessiveness—it was about presence. He wanted a relationship where both partners were fully present with each other, not mentally comparing or anticipating other encounters.

This clarity transformed how he approached dating and eventually led him to a deeply fulfilling monogamous partnership.

The fourth cornerstone of your monogamy blueprint is Needs Assessment.

Every relationship model has strengths and limitations. Monogamy offers unique benefits like focused attention, deep knowledge of one partner, and relationship stability. But it also presents specific challenges.

One challenge is ensuring that core needs don't go unmet. In non-monogamous relationships, different partners might fulfill different needs. In monogamy, you're looking to one person as your primary source of romantic and sexual fulfillment.

This doesn't mean your partner must meet every need—that's an unhealthy expectation in any relationship model. We all need friends, family, community, and personal passions beyond our romantic relationships. But it does mean being honest about which needs are essential for you to feel fulfilled within a romantic partnership.

Jason and David came to me when their seven-year monogamous relationship had reached a crisis point. Jason had always enjoyed certain kinds of sexual experiences that David wasn't comfortable with. For years, Jason suppressed these desires, believing that's what commitment required. Eventually, resentment and secret acting-out behaviors threatened their otherwise loving relationship.

Through coaching, they realized they had three options: they could renegotiate their monogamy agreement to allow for specific outside experiences, they could work creatively within their monogamous structure to address Jason's needs, or they could acknowledge this as an incompatibility requiring difficult decisions.

The solution isn't what matters here—it's the process of honestly assessing needs and making conscious choices rather than operating on assumptions or suppression.

This brings us to the fifth cornerstone: Sustainable Agreements.

The monogamy blueprints that stand the test of time aren't rigid documents set in stone on day one. They're living agreements that evolve as you and your partner grow, individually and together.

Effective monogamy agreements include:

1. Clear boundaries - What specific behaviors are within or outside your definition of monogamy?
2. Communication protocols - How will you discuss attractions or temptations when they inevitably arise? (And yes, they will arise—being monogamous doesn't mean never experiencing attraction to others.)
3. Support systems - What structures will help both partners maintain their commitment? This might include regular check-ins, couples coaching, or specific practices for maintaining intimacy.
4. Renewal mechanisms - How and when will you revisit your agreements to ensure they still serve both partners?

One client couple, Richard and Steven, created a quarterly "relationship summit"—a weekend getaway where they reassess their relationship structure, discuss any emerging challenges, and recommit to their agreements or make conscious adjustments. Twenty years into their relationship, they credit these summits with keeping their connection vital and responsive to their evolving needs.

Now let's talk about the sixth cornerstone: Identity Integration.

For many gay men, there's a perceived tension between gay identity and monogamous commitment. We might wonder: "Can I be authentically gay and exclusively committed to one man?"

This question often stems from the historical intertwining of gay liberation with sexual freedom. Many of our gay elders fought hard for the right to express their sexuality without shame or constraint. This vital history sometimes creates a community narrative where restriction of any kind feels like stepping backward.

But true liberation means the freedom to choose the relationship structure that authentically aligns with your values and desires—whether that's monogamy, ethical non-monogamy, or something else entirely.

I worked with Terry, a prominent figure in his local gay community, who struggled with this tension. He worried that choosing monogamy with his partner would somehow betray his decades of advocacy for sexual freedom. Through our coaching, he came to realize that advocating for choices means respecting all authentic choices, including monogamy.

As he put it: "I finally understood that my commitment wasn't limiting my gay identity—it was expressing it in the way that felt most authentic to me."

 The seventh and final cornerstone of your monogamy blueprint is Growth Orientation.

The most successful monogamous relationships aren't static—they're continually evolving ecosystems of growth, both individual and shared. This cornerstone is about designing a relationship that fosters development rather than constraint.

In my book, "From Casual to Commitetd," I discuss how the right kind of monogamy actually expands rather than limits your life experience. When security and trust are firmly established, you create a foundation from which both partners can explore new dimensions of themselves, take risks, and evolve.

This counters the common misconception that monogamy leads to stagnation. In reality, the depth of understanding and safety in a committed relationship can create ideal conditions for personal transformation.

William and Luis, partners of twelve years, embodied this principle beautifully. They established such secure trust that when William wanted to spend three months studying abroad, Luis fully supported him—without fear that distance would threaten their bond. The temporary separation ended up strengthening their relationship as William returned with new perspectives they could incorporate into their shared life.

A growth-oriented monogamy blueprint includes:

• Regular assessment of how your relationship supports each partner's evolution
• Conscious creation of both shared goals and individual pursuits
• Celebration of each partner's independent achievements
• Flexibility to adjust routines and patterns as you both change

So now that we've explored the seven cornerstones of your monogamy blueprint—Conscious Definition, Cultural Context, Motivation Clarity, Needs Assessment, Sustainable Agreements, Identity Integration, and Growth Orientation—let's talk about how to put these principles into practice.

I recommend starting with personal reflection before bringing these ideas to your current or future partner. Get clear on your own relationship with monogamy first. Here are three exercises to begin with:

First, the Values Excavation: Make a list of your top five relationship values. Not what you think they should be, but what truly matters most to you. Is it honesty? Adventure? Stability? Passion? Growth?

Now consider how monogamy either supports or challenges each value. This will help you identify your authentic connection to monogamous partnership.

Second, the Boundary Clarification: Imagine different scenarios that might arise in a relationship and notice your instinctive response. If your partner maintained close contact with an ex, how would you feel? If they flirted at a party but came home with you, would that cross a line?

These reactions can help you identify your personal boundaries within monogamy—information that's essential for creating clear agreements.

Third, the Motivation Examination: Complete this sentence multiple times: "I want monogamy because..." Push beyond the first few obvious answers to discover deeper motivations. Then review your responses and highlight those coming from a positive place of desire rather than fear or obligation.

After completing these exercises, you'll have a much clearer sense of your personal monogamy blueprint. From there, you can either align with a current partner or use this clarity to find a compatible match.

Before we finish today, I want to address those of you who might be struggling with doubts about monogamy. Perhaps you've tried it before and found it challenging. Maybe you're in a monogamous relationship now but experiencing restlessness or doubt.

These feelings don't necessarily mean monogamy isn't right for you—they might simply indicate that your current blueprint needs refinement.

Joel came to me convinced that monogamy wasn't possible for him after three relationships ended due to his infidelity. Through our work together, he discovered that his previous approach to monogamy had been based on external expectations rather than internal design. He'd agreed to relationship structures that didn't account for his need for novelty and excitement.

Rather than abandoning monogamy altogether, Joel learned to co-create a relationship with strong commitment foundations AND space for the adventure and surprise he craved. Five years into his marriage now, he's discovered that monogamy, when consciously designed rather than blindly accepted, can be the most liberating choice of all.

As we close this first episode, I want to leave you with this thought: Your relationship structure should be as unique and authentic as you are. The monogamy blueprint we've discussed isn't about fitting into anyone else's idea of what commitment should look like—it's about conscious design aligned with your deepest values.

In future episodes, we'll dive deeper into specific aspects of monogamous relationships for gay men—from maintaining desire over the long term to navigating community pressures to building trust after betrayal.

If today's discussion has sparked questions or insights for you, I'd love to hear from you. Visit gaymonogamycoach@gmail.com where you can share your thoughts or inquire about one-on-one or couples coaching.

For those ready to take immediate next steps in designing your ideal relationship, I offer a free 30-minute blueprint consultation. During this call, we'll identify your biggest relationship design challenge and map out a strategy for addressing it. You can schedule this at gaymonogamycoach@gmail.com

Remember, choosing monogamy doesn't make you any less gay, any less liberated, or any less part of our vibrant community. It makes you authentically you—a man who knows what he wants and has the courage to design a life that truly reflects his values.

Thank you for joining me for this first episode of the Gay Monogamy Coach Podcast

I work as an ICF-accredited Life Coach and trained through an organisation called Coaching Masters. If you are also interested in a career in Life Coaching then I would recommend them.

There are referral links in the transcript if you would like to contact them.

https://thecoachingmasters.com/exclusive-masterclass/c/0u4jf

https://thecoachingmasters.com/membership/c/0u4jf

And if you’re interested in developing a podcast then I would recommend Buzzsprout. Why not use  the referral code that is in the transcript?

https://www.buzzsprout.com/?referrer_id=2318357

In the meantime, please feel free to contact me on:

gaymonogamycoach@gmail.com

 Wishing you all the very best.
  Alan.

Credits: The music is La Nouvelle Lune by Reveille.