2. "Breaking the Hookup Addiction: Understanding your patterns."

In this episode, the gay ICF-accredited Life Coach, CBT Practitioner and author Alan Cox, explores some of the reasons that are preventing gay men from achieving the committed relationship that they would like and how the hook up culture affects them.

Transcript

The Gay Monogamy Coach.

"Breaking the Hookup Addiction: Understanding your patterns."

 Hello, and welcome back to The Gay Monogamy Coach. I'm your host, Alan Cox, an ICF-accredited gay life coach, CBT practitioner, and author. This podcast is specifically designed for gay men who are ready to move beyond the endless cycle of casual hookups and build the meaningful, committed relationship they've always wanted.

If you're listening to this, chances are you've found yourself trapped in what feels like an addiction to casual encounters. You know the feeling – the temporary high followed by that familiar emptiness, the promise to yourself that "this was the last time," only to find yourself back on the apps within hours. Today, we're going to dive deep into understanding why this happens and, more importantly, how to break free from these patterns for good.

Before we begin, I want you to know that everything we discuss today comes from both my professional training and my personal experience as a gay man who's walked this exact path. You're not broken, you're not weak, and you're certainly not alone. What you're experiencing is a learned pattern of behaviour, and patterns can be changed.

The psychology behind the hookup cycle.

Let's start by understanding what's really happening when we feel compulsively drawn to casual sexual encounters. From a psychological perspective, what many of us label as "hookup addiction" is actually a complex interplay of three key factors: dopamine-driven reward seeking, emotional regulation difficulties, and deep-seated validation needs.

When we engage in sexual activity, our brains release a cocktail of chemicals including dopamine, oxytocin, and endorphins. Dopamine, in particular, creates that anticipatory excitement – it's not just released during the act itself, but in the build-up: the swiping, the messaging, the arranging to meet. This creates what psychologists call an "intermittent reinforcement schedule," which is incredibly powerful for creating compulsive behaviours.

Here's what Marcus, a 42-year-old marketing director, told me about his experience: "I realised I wasn't actually addicted to sex – I was addicted to the chase. The moment I'd hooked up with someone, I'd feel this crash, this emptiness. But the excitement of finding the next person? That felt like the only time I was truly alive."

This is where my CBT training becomes particularly relevant. Cognitive Behavioural Therapy teaches us that our thoughts, feelings, and behaviours are all interconnected. When we use casual sex as a way to regulate difficult emotions – loneliness, stress, boredom, or feelings of inadequacy – we're essentially using it as a coping mechanism rather than addressing the underlying emotional needs.

The validation component is perhaps the most crucial to understand. Many gay men, particularly those of us who experienced rejection, bullying, or family disapproval growing up, develop what I call a "validation deficit." We learned early that our worth was conditional, and casual sexual encounters can temporarily fill that void by providing proof that we're desirable, wanted, and valued.

David, 48, a teacher from Manchester, explained it perfectly: "Every time someone wanted to sleep with me, it felt like proof that I was enough. But that feeling never lasted. Within hours, I'd be questioning my worth again, reaching for my phone to find the next person who could make me feel valuable."

Recognising your personal patterns.

Now, let's move into the life coaching framework I use to help my clients recognise their unique patterns. Understanding your triggers is the first step toward freedom, and I want to give you some concrete tools you can use right away.

The first tool is what I call the "Hookup Pattern Map." Over the next week, I want you to notice three things every time you feel the urge to seek out a casual encounter:

1. The emotional trigger: What were you feeling just before the urge hit? Lonely? Stressed? Bored? Angry? Rejected?
2. The circumstantial trigger: What was happening in your life? Work stress? Relationship conflict? Social media scrolling? Weekend evening at home alone?
3. The physical trigger: Where were you in your body? Tired? Restless? Disconnected from physical sensation?

James, a 44-year-old solicitor, discovered something profound when he started tracking: "I thought I was just horny all the time, but when I started paying attention, I realised that 90% of my hookups happened after difficult days at work. I wasn't seeking sex – I was seeking an escape from feeling powerless and undervalued."

The second tool is the "Five Minute Rule." When you feel the urge to open a dating app or arrange a meetup, set a timer for five minutes and ask yourself: "What am I really seeking right now?" Often, what we think is sexual desire is actually a need for connection, validation, excitement, or relief from difficult emotions.

Richard, 51, a healthcare worker, told me: "The five-minute rule was a game-changer. I started realising that what I was calling 'being horny' was actually anxiety about a presentation I had to give, or sadness about feeling disconnected from my friends. Once I knew what I was really feeling, I could address it directly instead of using sex as a band-aid."

The validation trap and how to escape it.

Let's talk specifically about the validation component, because this is where so many of my clients get stuck. When we rely on sexual encounters for validation, we're essentially outsourcing our self-worth to strangers. This creates what I call the "validation trap" – a cycle where our sense of value becomes dependent on external approval.

The trap works like this: We feel inadequate or question our worth. We seek sexual validation to prove we're desirable. We receive temporary validation through the sexual encounter. The validation fades quickly, leaving us feeling emptier than before. We feel even more inadequate and seek more validation to fill the growing void.

From a CBT perspective, this is a classic example of what we call "emotional reasoning" – the belief that because we feel worthless, we must actually be worthless. The antidote to emotional reasoning is learning to separate our feelings from facts and developing what I call "internal validation systems."

Here's what this looks like practically: Instead of seeking proof of our worth from others, we learn to validate ourselves based on our actions, values, and growth. This doesn't happen overnight, but it's absolutely achievable with the right support and framework.

Thomas, 46, an architect, shared this insight: "Alan, you helped me understand that every time I hooked up with someone, I was essentially asking them to answer the question, 'Am I worthy of love?' But here's the thing – strangers can't answer that question for you. Only you can. Once I started answering it for myself, the compulsive need for sexual validation just... disappeared."

Creating accountability structures that actually work.

Now, let's talk about creating accountability structures. This is where the rubber meets the road, and it's also where most people struggle because they try to go it alone. The research is clear: behavioural change is significantly more successful when we have proper support systems in place.

The first element of effective accountability is what I call "compassionate accountability." This means creating structures that support change without shame or punishment. Shame, particularly around sexuality, is often what got us into these patterns in the first place, so using shame as a motivator will only strengthen the cycle.

Here are three accountability structures that work:

Structure one: The accountability partner This should be someone who understands your goals, supports your growth, and can have honest conversations with you without judgement. This doesn't necessarily need to be another gay man, but it should be someone who can hold space for your experience without trying to fix you or shame you.

Structure two: The replacement ritual When you identify your triggers, you need to have specific alternatives ready. If stress triggers your hookup urges, what will you do instead? Call a friend? Go for a run? Practice meditation? The key is having these alternatives planned and practiced before you need them.

Structure three: Professional support This is where working with someone like myself becomes invaluable. Breaking compulsive patterns often requires professional guidance because these behaviours serve important psychological functions. You need support in not just stopping the behaviour, but in meeting the underlying needs in healthier ways.

The path forward: Hope and practical next steps.

I want to be clear about something: breaking free from compulsive hookup patterns isn't about never having casual sex again if that's genuinely what you want. It's about regaining choice. It's about sexual encounters becoming conscious decisions rather than compulsive reactions to difficult emotions.

The goal is sexual autonomy – the ability to choose when, how, and with whom you're sexual based on genuine desire rather than emotional neediness, validation seeking, or compulsive urges.

Michael, 45, a business owner, put it beautifully: "Working with Alan didn't make me prudish or anti-sex. It gave me back my power to choose. Now when I'm sexual with someone, it's because I genuinely want to be, not because I'm trying to escape from something or prove something to myself."

Here's your action plan for this week:

1. Start your Hookup Pattern Map: Track your emotional, circumstantial, and physical triggers for seven days.
2. Implement the Five Minute Rule: Before acting on any sexual urges, pause for five minutes and ask what you're really seeking.
3. Identify one accountability partner: Someone you can be honest with about your goals and struggles.
4. Plan three replacement activities: Have specific alternatives ready for when you identify your triggers.

Your invitation to deeper transformation

If what I've shared today resonates with you, I want you to know that you don't have to navigate this journey alone. Breaking free from compulsive sexual patterns is absolutely possible, but it requires the right support, tools, and framework.

I work with gay men exactly like you – intelligent, successful, and ready for real change – through my coaching programmes. My clients don't just break free from hookup addiction; they develop the emotional skills, self-awareness, and confidence needed to build and maintain the committed relationships they've always wanted.

If you're ready to move beyond surface-level changes and create lasting transformation, I invite you to book a complimentary discovery call with me. During this call, we'll explore your specific situation, identify the patterns that are holding you back, and create a clear roadmap for your journey from casual encounters to committed love.

You can book your discovery call by emailing me at empoweringgaymen@gmail.com. Simply mention that you heard this podcast, and we will set up a time that works for you.

Remember, seeking help is not a sign of weakness – it's a sign of wisdom. You deserve the love and connection you're seeking, and with the right support, it's absolutely within your reach.

Closing and next episode preview

That's all for today's episode of The Gay Monogamy Coach. If you found value in what we've discussed, please subscribe to the podcast and share it with any gay men in your life who might benefit from this message.

Next week, we'll be diving into "The Fear of Commitment: What's Really Underneath." We'll explore why the idea of commitment can feel so terrifying, even when it's what we consciously want, and I'll share the CBT techniques and life coaching strategies that help my clients move through commitment fears and into the relationships they desire.

Until then, be patient with yourself, be proud of your courage to seek change, and remember – you're not broken, you're just ready to break free.

By the way, the music is ‘Be Vibrant’ by the composer Pala.

I'm Alan Cox, and I'll see you next week.

Contact Information:

• Email: empoweringgaymen@gmail.com
• Mention "Podcast Discovery Call" in your message
• Weekly Zoom workshops: Tuesdays at 7pm GMT

And don't forget, you can sponsor me through Buzzsprout.