5. The Comparison Trap: Social media and relationship expectations.

Episode 5: The Comparison Trap – Social media and relationship expectations.
In this powerful episode, Alan Cox, ICF-accredited life coach and CBT practitioner, explores how social media silently sabotages gay relationships by feeding unrealistic comparisons. If you’ve ever found yourself measuring your love life against glossy Instagram couples, this episode is for you.

You’ll discover:

• Why comparison is a toxic cognitive distortion.
• How to stop letting curated posts dictate your relationship satisfaction;
• Proven CBT techniques to break free from the “comparison trap.”
• Digital detox strategies that strengthen real connection.
• What healthy, fulfilling relationship goals actually look like.

Whether you’re single, dating, or already partnered, this episode will help you shift from performing for social media to truly living your relationship.

Are you ready to build a love life that’s authentic, not just aesthetic?

 Book a free discovery call with Alan: empoweringgaymen@gmail.com
  Weekly Zoom workshops every Tuesday @ 7pm GMT

Transcript

The Gay Monogamy Coach: Episode 5 - The Comparison Trap: Social media and relationship expectations.

Hello, and welcome back to The Gay Monogamy Coach. I'm your host, Alan Cox, an ICF-accredited gay life coach, CBT practitioner, and author. This podcast is specifically designed for gay men who are ready to move beyond the endless cycle of casual hookups and build the meaningful, committed relationship they've always wanted.

If you're listening to this, chances are you've found yourself in the frustrating position of wanting commitment whilst simultaneously feeling terrified by it. You meet someone wonderful, things start to get serious, and then that familiar panic sets in. Your mind floods with "what ifs" and worst-case scenarios, and before you know it, you're sabotaging something that could be exactly what you've been looking for.

Before we begin, I want you to know that everything we discuss today comes from both my professional training and my personal experience as a gay man who's walked this exact path. You're not broken, you're not weak, and you're certainly not alone. What you're experiencing is a learned response to protect yourself from perceived danger, and with the right understanding and tools, you can learn to feel safe in commitment.

Let's talk about something that's quietly destroying more relationships than most people realise: social media comparison. I know this might sound like a topic for teenagers, but trust me, this affects gay men at every age, and it's particularly insidious when you're trying to build something real and lasting.

Picture this: you're having a lovely, quiet evening with your partner. You're watching Netflix, maybe sharing a takeaway, just enjoying each other's company. Then one of you picks up your phone and starts scrolling through Instagram. Suddenly, your perfectly pleasant evening feels... ordinary. Boring, even. Because you're seeing Marcus and James jet-setting to Santorini, posting perfectly curated photos of their "authentic" moments. You're seeing David and his new boyfriend at some glamorous event, looking like they've stepped out of a magazine.

And there you are, in your tracksuit bottoms, wondering if your relationship is lacking something fundamental.

Michael, 44: "I didn't realise how much Instagram was affecting my relationship until Alan pointed it out. I was constantly comparing our quiet dinners to other couples' restaurant posts, our weekend walks to their exotic holidays. It was creating this underlying dissatisfaction that was eating away at what we had."

The Comparison Trap explained.

Here's what's happening in your brain when you fall into the comparison trap. As a CBT practitioner, I can tell you that comparison is one of the most destructive cognitive distortions we experience. Your mind takes a highlight reel—someone else's carefully curated best moments—and compares it to your behind-the-scenes reality.

But here's the thing about social media: it's not real life. It's a marketing campaign. Every couple you see posting those perfect moments is showing you maybe 5% of their actual relationship. You're not seeing the arguments, the mundane Tuesday evenings, the times they're stressed about money or work. You're seeing the performance of a relationship, not the relationship itself.

For gay men, this is particularly complex because we're often dealing with additional layers of comparison. We're not just comparing relationships; we're comparing lifestyles, bodies, careers, social circles. And because the gay community can feel small and interconnected, especially in cities, these comparisons feel more personal and immediate.

Steve, 42 said: "I was following so many gay couples on social media that I felt like everyone else was living this perfect life whilst I was struggling to get past the third date. It took me months to realise I was comparing my reality to their advertising."

CBT Techniques for managing social comparison.

Let me share some specific CBT techniques that I use with my clients to break free from this destructive pattern. The first is called "Thought Challenging," and it's incredibly effective for social media comparison.

When you catch yourself comparing your relationship to what you see online, ask yourself these questions:

1. What evidence do I have that this couple's relationship is actually better than mine?
2. What am I not seeing in this post?
3. What would I tell a friend who was making this comparison?
4. How is this comparison helping or hurting my relationship?

Graham, 48 said: "The thought challenging technique was a game-changer. Instead of just feeling rubbish about my relationship when I saw other couples online, I started questioning those thoughts. Nine times out of ten, I realised I was making assumptions based on a single photo."

The second technique is "Reality Testing." For every perfect couple post you see, I want you to remember three real moments from your own relationship that brought you genuine joy or connection. Not Instagram-worthy moments, but real moments. The time he brought you tea when you were ill. The laugh you shared over a stupid TV programme. The way he looked at you when you were telling a story.

These moments are your reality. They're what actually matters in a relationship. But because they're not photogenic, we forget to value them.

The Instagram Fantasy vs. Relationship Reality.

Let me tell you what real, committed relationships actually look like. They're not a constant stream of romantic gestures and exotic locations. They're built on thousands of small moments of choosing each other, day after day. They're about feeling safe enough to be boring together.

Real relationships involve weekend trips to the supermarket, not just weekend trips to Barcelona. They involve conversations about who's taking the bins out, not just conversations about your dreams and aspirations. They involve seeing each other first thing in the morning with bed hair and morning breath, not just seeing each other in perfect lighting with perfect angles.

Tony, 45 shared: "I spent so long trying to create an Instagram-worthy relationship that I forgot to actually enjoy the relationship I had. When I stopped performing for social media and started appreciating the quiet moments, I realised how much deeper and more satisfying real intimacy was."

The couples you see posting constantly are often the ones working hardest to convince themselves and others that everything's perfect. The most secure, happy couples I know post the least, because they're too busy enjoying their actual lives to document them constantly.

The pressure to perform.

Here's something else I see frequently: gay men who start relationships and immediately feel pressure to make them "Instagram official." They're more focused on how the relationship looks from the outside than how it feels from the inside.

This external focus is relationship poison. When you're constantly thinking about how your relationship appears to others, you're not present in your actual relationship. You're living in a performance rather than a connection.

I had a client who told me he felt embarrassed about his boyfriend because he wasn't conventionally attractive enough for his Instagram feed. Think about that for a moment. He was considering ending a relationship with someone who made him laugh, supported his dreams, and genuinely cared for him because he wasn't photogenic enough.

That's not love; that's social media addiction masquerading as relationship goals.

Richard, 41 stated: "I was so focused on finding someone who looked good in photos that I kept dismissing men who were actually compatible with me. Alan helped me realise I was dating for my followers, not for myself."

Creating realistic relationship goals.

Let's talk about what healthy relationship goals actually look like. They're not about achieving some perfect Instagram aesthetic. They're about building something sustainable and meaningful.

Real relationship goals include things like:

• Feeling comfortable being yourself, even on your worst days.
• Having someone you can share your fears and insecurities with.
• Building a life together that reflects both your values.
• Feeling supported in your individual growth and goals.
• Having someone who makes you laugh, especially when life gets difficult.

Notice how none of these things are particularly photogenic? That's because the most important aspects of relationships happen in private, between two people who've chosen to be vulnerable with each other.

Digital detox strategies for better mental health.

Now, I'm not going to tell you to delete all your social media accounts. That's not realistic, and it's not necessary. But I am going to give you some practical strategies for managing your digital consumption in a way that supports your relationship goals rather than sabotaging them.

First, audit your feeds. Unfollow accounts that consistently make you feel inadequate about your relationship or your life. This includes couples who post constantly, lifestyle accounts that promote unrealistic standards, and anyone whose content leaves you feeling worse about yourself.

James, 43 was proud: "I unfollowed about 200 accounts after working with Alan. At first, I worried I'd miss out on something, but instead, I felt this huge sense of relief. My social media became a source of genuine connection rather than comparison and anxiety."

Second, implement "phone-free zones" in your relationship. This means designated times or spaces where neither of you use your phones. It could be during meals, for the first hour you're together each evening, or in the bedroom. This helps you focus on each other rather than on curated versions of other people's lives.

Third, practice "mindful scrolling." Before you open Instagram or Facebook, ask yourself what you're hoping to get from it. Are you bored? Lonely? Anxious? Often, social media is a way of avoiding feelings rather than addressing them. If you're feeling disconnected from your partner, having a conversation with them will be more helpful than scrolling through other couples' photos.

The Curated Life vs. The Lived Life.

I want you to understand that the most fulfilling relationships are lived, not performed. When you're constantly documenting your relationship for others, you're not fully present in your relationship for yourself.

I encourage my clients to think about their relationship as something they're building together, not something they're displaying for others. The goal isn't to have the most enviable relationship on social media; it's to have the most fulfilling relationship in real life.

This doesn't mean you can never post about your partner or share happy moments. But it means those posts should be an overflow of genuine happiness, not a desperate attempt to prove something to others or to yourself.

Your weekly action step: Curating social media for relationship success.

Here's your action step for this week, and I want you to treat this seriously because it can genuinely transform how you feel about your relationship and your life.

I want you to conduct a "Social Media Audit" for relationship success. Here's how:

1. Unfollow comparison triggers: Go through your feeds and unfollow any accounts that consistently make you feel inadequate about your relationship, your life, or yourself. This includes couples who post constantly, lifestyle accounts that promote unrealistic standards, and anyone whose content triggers comparison.
2. Follow positive influences: Instead, follow accounts that promote healthy relationships, personal growth, and realistic portrayals of life. This might include therapists, life coaches, or couples who share both struggles and successes.
3. Implement a "Three Before Me" Rule: Before you post anything about your relationship, ask yourself three questions:
    
   • Am I posting this because I'm genuinely happy and want to share?
4.  
   • Am I posting this to prove something to others?
5.  
   • How would I feel if this got no likes or comments?
6.  
7. Create phone-free relationship time: Establish at least one hour each day where you and your partner (or potential partner) are together without phones. Use this time for actual conversation and connection.
8. Practice gratitude journaling: Instead of scrolling through others' highlight reels, spend five minutes each day writing down three things you're grateful for in your relationship or your life. This trains your brain to notice and appreciate your own reality.

Peter, 46 said: "The social media audit was harder than I expected because I realised how much of my day I was spending comparing myself to others. But within a week, I felt more content with my own life and more present in my relationship."

The comparison antidote.

The antidote to comparison isn't to stop looking at social media entirely; it's to remember that your relationship is not a competition. It's a collaboration between two people who've chosen to build something together.

Every relationship is different because every person is different. What works for Marcus and James might not work for you and your partner, and that's not a problem—it's a feature. Your relationship should be tailored to your specific needs, values, and circumstances.

When you catch yourself comparing, remember this: the couple posting the most perfect content is often the couple struggling the most with their actual relationship. Secure, happy couples are too busy enjoying their lives to document them constantly.

Your invitation to deeper transformation.

If what I've shared today resonates with you, I want you to know that you don't have to navigate this journey alone. Overcoming comparison and building the capacity for healthy, lasting relationships is absolutely possible, but it requires the right support, tools, and framework.

I work with gay men exactly like you – intelligent, successful, and ready for real change – through my coaching programmes. My clients don't just overcome their comparison habits; they develop the emotional intelligence, communication skills, and self-awareness needed to build and maintain the committed relationships they've always wanted.

If you're ready to move beyond surface-level changes and create lasting transformation, I invite you to book a complimentary discovery call with me. During this call, we'll explore your specific situation, identify the comparison patterns that are holding you back, and create a clear roadmap for your journey from comparison to contentment in love.

You can book your discovery call by emailing me at empoweringgaymen@gmail.com. Simply mention that you heard this podcast, and we will set up a time that works for you.

Remember, seeking help is not a sign of weakness – it's a sign of wisdom. You deserve the love and connection you're seeking, and with the right support, it's absolutely within your reach.

That's all for today's episode of The Gay Monogamy Coach. If you found value in what we've discussed, please subscribe to the podcast and share it with any gay men in your life who might benefit from this message.

Next week, we'll be exploring  ‘From quantity to quality -shifting your dating mindset.’

Until then, be patient with yourself, be proud of your courage to seek change, and remember – you're not broken, you're just ready to break free.

The music, by the way, is ‘Be vibrant’ by the musician Pala. 

I'm Alan Cox, and I'll see you next week.

Contact Information:

• Email: empoweringgaymen@gmail.com
• Mention "Podcast Discovery Call" in your message
• Weekly Zoom workshops: Tuesdays at 7pm GMT