Conquering holiday loneliness.

Conquering holiday loneliness: A gay men's guide to thriving.

Holidays stressing you out? Especially as a gay man? Feeling like everyone else has it figured out, and you're just... on the sidelines? Alan Cox totally gets it. In this episode of The Gay Monogamy Coach, he dives deep into the stuff that makes the holidays particularly tricky for us. He's not just throwing out generic advice – he's talking about our unique challenges. Using a powerful combo of CBT and coaching, Alan helps you kick those negative thoughts to the curb, build your confidence, and create real, genuine connections. Discover how to flip the script and turn feelings of isolation into opportunities for self-care, amazing friendships, and maybe even a little holiday magic. Seriously, listen now and start creating a holiday story you actually want to be a part of – you've so got this!

Transcript

Holiday loneliness: Rewriting the script for gay men.

 Before we dive in, let’s start with something you can use right away. Think of one thought that stings at Christmas — maybe ‘I’ll always be on the outside.’ Write it down.

Now pause and ask yourself three questions:

• Is this thought fact, or fear?
• Does it help me, or hold me back?
• Is it the only way to see this situation?

Replace it with something grounded: ‘I’m shaping my own traditions, and connection is part of that.’

Let’s try another. Maybe your thought is: ‘Everyone else has it figured out except me.’ Challenge it. Is that really true? Or is it comparison talking? A balanced reframe might be: ‘I’m learning what works for me, and that’s progress.’

Take a moment — if you’re listening with pen and paper nearby, jot down your own thought and reframe. If not, just hold it in your mind. This is CBT in action: catching the thought before it takes over.

Hello, and welcome back to The Gay Monogamy Coach. I’m Alan Cox, an ICF‑accredited gay life coach, CBT practitioner, and author. This podcast is for gay men who want to move past short‑term dating patterns and create lasting, meaningful relationships. I have to apologise for not being more active recently - personal circumstances intervened, But I am back and will be working with gay men to help them move towards monogamy.

The holidays can magnify emotions. Adverts, films, and social media show couples exchanging gifts and families gathered around tables. But for many professional gay men, this season feels more like a spotlight on what’s missing — whether that’s a partner, supportive family ties, or a sense of belonging.

Loneliness isn’t only about being alone — it’s about the meaning we give to that experience. CBT helps us notice those automatic thoughts, pause, and challenge them. Often, the thought isn’t reality; it’s a mental habit.

Take James, 34. He dreaded Christmas because he believed solitude meant failure. His thought was: ‘If I’m alone, it proves I’m not lovable.’ Together, we worked on reframing. He began to see solitude as a chance to recharge, planning activities that nourished him — reading, cooking, reaching out to friends. He told me, ‘Now, I see Christmas as mine to shape, not something I’m excluded from.’

Think of a time you felt excluded during the holidays. What thought did you attach to that moment? Was it ‘I don’t belong’ or ‘I’ll always be on the outside’? Pause and notice how that thought feels in your body. Then ask: is there another way to see it?”

Coaching builds on CBT by asking: what do you want instead? If loneliness is the problem, what does connection look like for you? Friendship, romance, community, or confidence in your own skin? Coaching helps you set goals and take action, so you’re not just reacting to loneliness but actively creating connection.

Daniel, 41, used to scroll social media and feel jealous of couples. His thought was: ‘Everyone else is happy, I’m failing.’ CBT helped him challenge those comparisons. Coaching gave him the tools to create his own traditions — hosting a dinner with single friends, turning a painful evening into something joyful.

Imagine your own tradition. What would make the holidays feel more yours? Maybe it’s a dinner, a walk, a trip, or simply a ritual of self‑care. Coaching asks you to design that, not wait for it to happen.”

Here’s what you can do right now:

• Write down one thought about being single or about Christmas. Challenge it. Replace it with something balanced.
• Choose one small action this week to create connection: call a friend, arrange a coffee, join a group, or plan a solo activity that feels nourishing.

Picture yourself sending that message, or walking into that coffee shop. Notice how even imagining the action shifts your mood. Silence makes isolation heavier. Naming it and choosing even one small action begins to change the pattern.

Even men in relationships can feel isolated if family gatherings are tense or expectations clash. Michael, 38, said, ‘Family gatherings used to leave me anxious. Coaching taught me boundaries, and CBT gave me strategies to manage intrusive thoughts. I now walk into Christmas dinner with confidence.’

Boundaries are part of connection. They protect your energy and allow you to show up authentically. Ask yourself: what boundary would make this season easier? Maybe it’s limiting time with certain relatives, or choosing which invitations to accept.”

If you’re listening and thinking, ‘That’s me — I’m tired of feeling alone at Christmas and I want change,’ then this is your moment. Working with a coach who understands the unique challenges of professional gay men can help you move past old patterns and design connection on your own terms.

Oliver, 45, once told me, ‘I felt invisible during the holidays. Coaching helped me reconnect with old friends. CBT gave me the courage to believe I deserve connection — and I found it.’

Here’s what working with me looks like:

• In our first session, we explore your specific situation and identify the thought patterns holding you back.
• Next, we set clear goals — whether that’s building confidence, creating traditions, or preparing for a relationship.
• Then we work step by step, combining CBT tools with coaching strategies, so you’re not just changing thoughts but building habits that last.

I work with gay men exactly like you — intelligent, successful, and ready for real change. My clients don’t just overcome comparison habits; they develop the emotional intelligence, communication skills, and self‑awareness needed to build and maintain the committed relationships they’ve always wanted.

If you’re ready to move beyond surface‑level changes and create lasting transformation, book a complimentary discovery call with me. Email me at empoweringgaymen@gmail.com and mention ‘Podcast Discovery Call.’ We’ll set up a time that works for you.”

That’s all for today’s episode of The Gay Monogamy Coach. If you found value in what we’ve discussed, please subscribe and share it with any gay men in your life who might benefit.

Next week, we’ll explore  Family Tables & Tough Conversations: Staying True to Yourself

Until then, be patient with yourself, be proud of your courage to seek change, and remember — you’re not broken, you’re becoming.

The music is ‘Santa got silly off the eggnog’ by Pala. I’m Alan Cox, and we will meet up in the next episode.

And don’t forget to subscribe to the Gay Monogamy Coach on Facebook.