Podcast 36: How I Got Over the Fear of Rejection

This is what I didn't do and did instead to completely kill my fear of rejection and end up loving the dating, single life.

Ready for an intimate, premium coaching experience where you have encouragement and fun in the dating process AND fall in love with your handsome, godly man?  

If the answer is yes, you'll want to join me for private 1:1 mentorship. Click the link below, book a consultation call, answer the application questions, and start your journey to finding the man of your dreams.

Let's get you married, Sis!

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Transcript

Michelle Joiner (00:01.334)
Hey, hey, sis. I am so excited to bring you this podcast today because I truly feel that this is like high value behavior here, high value woman behavior. And I am so excited to give this to you because you are a high value woman. I know I can tell by the feedback I get from the people listening to the podcast, the women who are listening to this podcast, they are

the total package. They are killing it in their careers. They're starting businesses in addition to their careers. They killed it at school. They're serving in their churches. Listen, sis, I can tell something about you. If you are listening to this podcast, if you are drawn to me, it is because you are a high value woman. I'm a high value woman and I attract high value women into my world. And the podcast I'm going to share with you today is like, like Chef's Kiss High Value Woman Behavior.

It is how I got over the fear of rejection. How I, I like ate rejection up for dinner. I never cared if I got rejected. I just never did. And I am going to tell you how I did that. How I got over the fear of rejection, walked into any room, feeling like a high value woman, loving being single, loving like.

everything about the fact that I was going to reach my husband one day and not caring at all if I got rejected. Okay. So I'm going to share everything with you today, all the juicy details of how I did this, how I got over the fair rejection. All right. So let me just dive right in. So when I say that I got over the fair rejection, let me just kind of explain what that means. That means that any guy

I wanted to talk to if I went to a new place, if I went to a new church, if I went to a new dancing place, if I went somewhere fun, like to play board games, you know I like to play board games, I would go and talk to any guy. And if I wanted to keep talking to him, I would say, hey, let's exchange contact info so we can keep in touch. And usually they would. Usually they would.

Michelle Joiner (02:23.819)
And actually I can't think of a single time where they're like, no, I don't want to give you my contact information. Like that never happened. I had no fear of rejection. I one time, I think I've told this story, but I'm gonna tell it again. I was staying with my mom. I was living in Michigan at the time. My mom was living in Maryland. My parents were living in Maryland. I was visiting them and I met my mom's neighbor and I thought he was really attractive and fun because we talked for a little bit. So I left him a note on his door.

saying, hey, I'd love to go out for coffee sometime, right? Again, I had no fear of rejection at all. I saw something, I wanted it, and I said something. I had no fear of rejection. And actually, in the end, he sent me another note. I left a note by his door. He left a note by my mom's door that I found before she did, thank goodness, saying, I really enjoyed meeting you. I am so sorry, but I have a girlfriend, but I wish you all the best. I am telling you.

I did not lose any sleep over that. I did not beat myself up. And that's the first tip. Okay. That's the first tip. I'm going to tell you what I did to get over the fear of rejection and what I did not do. Okay. And what I did not do is beat myself up or criticize myself. I instead congratulated myself for trying. So that's like the first step. Listen,

The hardest part of, let's say, getting something negative happening to you or something that you didn't want, the hardest part about that is you're beating yourself up about it. You're criticizing yourself and making yourself out to be like, you shouldn't have done that. You're so stupid. You're so stupid. Why did you do that? Look at what happened now. You shouldn't have done that. You're so stupid. Like that is the worst part. It's actually even worse than the thing that happened.

So what I did not do is beat myself up or criticize myself in any way. Instead, I patted myself on the back, congratulated myself, and told myself I was proud of myself for trying. Right? And so in the end, even though it didn't work out with this particular guy, because I wasn't afraid of rejection, I was now like feeling

Michelle Joiner (04:50.817)
more confident because what I did with myself on the outside of what happened was congratulate myself. Right. So when I when I went and I asked him, like I ended up with more confidence, like he rejected me and I ended up with more confidence. Isn't that amazing? And you can have that to just promise yourself you will not beat yourself up. You will not criticize yourself. Instead, you will congratulate yourself for trying.

This is high value woman behavior. A high value woman does not beat herself up for trying. A high value woman has her own back and treats herself like her own best friend and says, good job for trying. Okay? All right. So the other one, the other little thing that I didn't do, like there's things that I didn't do and things that I did.

There was this one time, this one guy that I liked a whole lot and he was, you he was a Christian guy and he was a lot like me. had a decent amount of things in common and you know, I really liked him a lot and like, he just was like, you know, and that's the thing because when you meet someone that's like really compatible, you would think that that's when like rejection hurts the hardest, like ugh.

I couldn't get someone that was exactly like what I'm looking for, right? Exactly. He was a lot like me. His family was a lot like me. His job was a lot like mine. He grew up in the same Christian things. We had a lot of things in common. He listened to the same pastors that I listened to. our theology was very much aligned. there was just this one point where we were talking and he was just like, I just...

I just do not want to be in relationship with you. I'm not attracted to you. And in that moment, I felt like a high value woman. And here's what I did not do. I did not make his rejection mean I would stay single forever. No, I know a lot of people are tempted to do that. Something happens with a guy and instantly their mind goes,

Michelle Joiner (07:16.084)
my gosh, like he was so perfect for me. I'm never gonna find another guy like him. Like it was so hard to meet someone who was just like what I was looking for. I can't believe this is happening. I'm gonna be single forever. I literally got to the point, and this is when I was single. And this is how like, if you want to love being single instead of it feeling like drudgery and feeling like, like the...

Like the worst thing in the world if you've got to develop this high-value woman like thinking this high-value woman behavior Because instead of telling myself I was gonna stay single forever. I literally my thought was I wonder who I'm gonna meet next and Actually, I remember when I was single I got to the point where I knew like I used to be an engineer so I was very much into numbers and I was like

I'm gonna meet someone by next month. Like, I know I'm gonna meet someone by next month and I, know, it's gonna be someone fun, someone amazing, someone cute, you I'm gonna meet someone next month. So instead of, here now, here's what I did. I did not make it mean that I was gonna be single forever at all. At all at all. I was like, next, moving on. And I did this so many times.

I did this so many times. remember I was hanging out with a guy at a swing dance weekend and he rejected me. He said whatever he said. And literally by that same weekend, I was onto flirting with another guy. Like that same weekend, that same weekend, I had met someone cool that I really enjoyed and I was having fun with and like enjoying talking to like that weekend. And like the other guy, I was like, what, who?

I was like always telling myself I am going to meet someone in the next month and it's going to be just as fun. There is no way I'm going to stay single forever. Like I might be single for another two or three weeks. And I would just kind of hold that confidence in myself. And this is, this is while I wasn't the skinniest girl in the room. I didn't have the longest hair. you know,

Michelle Joiner (09:38.226)
I had lots of things that weren't like, I'm not the perfect girl. I'm not like a movie star or anything like that, but I just knew that I knew my value. And I also knew statistically how easy it was to meet men. And for me, at this point, I had gotten a decent amount of dating coaching on how men worked and how...

How to talk to men and how to create attraction and how to inspire and inspire guys to want to talk to you So I like I was learning a lot of things about men and just putting them into practice and practicing and and so I was really enjoying the interactions I was having with these guys and not all of them rejected me But anytime someone did it was like, okay plenty more where that came from. You see what I mean? Okay

The other thing that I did do, the other thing that I did do was I was so certain that I would get married. I knew it to my bones. And the reason why I knew it to my bones was because I was so determined that I was not going to quit. I just knew like there's no way on this side of heaven.

that I was not gonna quit until I got married. Like there's no way I would just say, well, I guess I'm not gonna get married. And one of the things I did was I was always, there's this song, it's kind of like an older song, kind of from the 90s, maybe even earlier than that, called In His Time. In His Time, In His Time, he makes all things beautiful in his time.

Lord, please show me every day that as you're teaching me your way, that you do just what you say in your time. And I knew that marriage was for me. I knew that the way God created me, the way I was, the way my heart was, I looked at those scriptures that said it's better to marry than to burn with passion. I looked at those passages that talk about, like there's a beautiful passage in

Michelle Joiner (12:01.479)
I believe it's 2nd Timothy that talks about younger widows and how they should get married before their, basically before their human, their humanness takes over them and then they want to get married. So don't make a pledge to stay single instead, get married, have children. There were so many passages in scripture that talked about the type of person who would be single. I knew I wasn't that person. So I was like, no, no.

God created me to get married. So I know I'm gonna get married one day and I held that certainty and I just was always telling myself it's gonna be soon. It's gonna be soon. I had prayers my friends would tell me, Michelle, I'm praying that it'll be soon. I'm praying that, and I was like, it's always gonna be soon. Like it doesn't matter how long I waited, because I didn't get married until I was 37. It doesn't matter how long I waited. I was always telling myself.

it's gonna be soon and singing the song about in his time and trusting the Lord's timeline. And when you do that and a guy rejects you, that kind of space that you're in, that kind of mindset, that kind of, like you're in such a secure place. He can't shake that. When guys reject you, they can't shake that. You know, for me, like,

When they do that, it literally, I'm like glad. Like when a guy rejected me, I kind of got to the point where I was glad. I was like, good, now I don't have to spend any more time on this guy. You this guy wasn't my guy, so now I can move on and find my guy, right? And the last thing I wanna share about some of the things that helped me get over my fear of rejection was truly knowing.

that I could handle the feeling of rejection. Sometimes I talk to people and they're really afraid of that feeling. That feeling just feels scary to them. It feels really, really uncomfortable. But if you can get to the point where you're not afraid of that feeling, that feeling of rejection, you gotta be doing all the things I'm telling you. You can't be criticizing yourself. You can't be beating yourself up.

Michelle Joiner (14:16.617)
You've got to hold the certainty that you're gonna get married one day. You've got to be doing all those things. And then when that feeling of rejection comes and the guy says what he says, that feeling is so small. Because you're not questioning your worth. You're not questioning your value. He's just letting you know, I'm sorry. I don't think you're my person. And you're like, okay, you're not my person. And that's it.

You know, I get to point where I tell my clients, I actually don't think rejection is a thing. Like human beings can't reject human beings. It's just not a thing. there's no, like, there is no real construct that is rejection. It's not, like for instance, it's not the same as divorce. Like divorce is a construct. You're breaking a contract.

and you're dividing resources and different things like that. You might be dividing children and it's an actual thing, right? But a guy rejecting a girl is not a real thing. It's literally a communication that I am not your person. That's all it is. I only see you as a friend. I only see you as a sister in Christ or I'm not interested. It is not.

A rejection is not something that you even need to own as though it's a real thing. It's literally a communication, I'm sorry, I am not interested. And this word rejection, we have made it out to be so big, but it really is nothing. It is nothing. It is a literal figment of 20th century imagination, this term called rejection. And I got to the point where I was like, I don't care.

I don't care if I'm rejected. I can handle that feeling. I am not afraid of that feeling. I am not afraid of feeling rejected. In fact, I reject rejection. You are not my person. Thank you for letting me know. That is it. And it felt so good. I mean, I am telling you, like, if you can get to the point where you are less afraid of feelings, you will be, my friend,

Michelle Joiner (16:32.541)
unstoppable. If you are not afraid of being embarrassed, if you are not afraid of being lonely, if you are not afraid of being disappointed, you will be unstoppable because all a feeling is is a vibration in your tummy, a vibration in your chest, and it is not going to kill you. A feeling is a very when you can't shrink it down, don't make your feelings so big. And just because you have intense feelings doesn't mean that

the things that your brain wants to bring up to you. Like first we have an intense feeling in our heart and then our brain tells you all these things. The intensity of the emotion does not make those thoughts in your brain true. All right. The intensity of your emotion does not make your thoughts true. So this is what I did not do and what I did instead to get over the fear of rejection.

Now, even though I'm telling you all this, I'm telling you it like word for word, I held nothing back. Like this is exactly what I did. I got coached on this. I trained my mind to think like this. You know, I really, my parents would talk to me this way. My friends would talk to me this way. Like I said, I got coaching on this and I'm now sharing all this richness with you. Years of study and coaching and counseling and mentoring that I got.

I just handed to you like in a 15 minute podcast. Now, even though I'm giving you this strategy and this mindset, you are still gonna wanna come work with me because knowing what to do and how to do it is not the same as doing it. Knowing what and how to do something is not the same as actually doing it. And I've done what you've wanted to do. I've...

found my husband. I've helped so many other women find their husbands. I just in this calendar year alone, three of my clients have gotten married. Three now have gotten engaged and six have gotten into committed relationships with amazing godly men. That's like a testimonial every month. Like every single month I hear from another woman who is madly in love, engaged, married in a relationship, something like that.

Michelle Joiner (18:53.78)
And I've done what you want to do in that I overcame my own singleness and got married. And so what I do for you as your coach is hold 100 % belief high. Hold that belief high for you. Hold the standards high for you of who you are looking for, even when your brain wavers. I help you with mindset and strategy. I help you with your dreams, no matter

how hard to believe they are. For instance, I'll give you like a funny dream. Like what if you got married, not married, let's not say married, let's say you got into a relationship by Christmas. Now Christmas is five weeks away. That might seem delusional, but I can help you do that. I met Caleb and within three weeks we were in a relationship and Christmas is five weeks away. We got time, we got loads of time.

So if you want to get into a relationship that soon, yes, I can help you with that. Now, if you have specific questions, if you want coaching, if you want to talk to me specifically about your love life, I recommend you do that. You join me in private one-on-one coaching. It's the only way to work with me for the rest of 2024. It is also the most luxurious, premium way to work with me.

My one-on-one coaching is $15,000 for six months. It's my most high level, high touch, intimate coaching experience where you get to talk to me one-on-one, by yourself, you get 100 % undivided attention from me, my expert brain on your love life, giving you undivided attention for your goal of finding a husband.

Now, if that lights you up, if you heard $15,000 for six months and you love spending that kind of money on yourself and it lights you up to invest in yourself that way, you are my woman because you are that premium, luxurious person that likes to buy premium, luxurious things. So what I want you to think about, what I want you to think about is how can I

Michelle Joiner (21:19.198)
say yes to myself and to my dreams. And how much longer do I want to delay where I am losing hope, where I'm getting discouraged, where my light is fading, where my light is dimming? How much longer do I want to do that? All right. The women that work with me, they work with me because they love my personality. They love my story. They relate to my life and to the things in my life.

They feel like also like a lot of the women that work with me, they tell me like, I feel like you've read my mind or you read my diary. Like I heard that the other day. I feel like Michelle's reading my diary. Like she knows me that well. And I know you that well because I was you. I was that single girl who really wanted a husband. So I got help. I got mentors and got counselors in every area of my life. I used to be an engineer and I got mentors and counselors there too.

So my love life wasn't gonna be any different and that's how you feel. You want to find love sooner and you want it to be more fun. You wanna be one of my success stories. Like I think that's, that's why some people join, like they hear me talk about my success stories. Like I want that, I just want that. I think that's cool.

So the next steps for you, if you are that high value woman that wants a premium, luxurious coaching experience with a dating expert and coach all to yourself, undivided attention on your dream of getting a husband quickly, then what I want you to do is go to my website, thechristiandatingcoach.com slash coaching, or just go.

to the christiandatingcoach.com and you'll find it. You're gonna book a call to talk to me and answer some application questions that will guide you to understanding whether or not I'm the best coach for you, whether or not it'll help me see whether or not you're the best client for me. And then we'll meet on a console call. And the console call actually in itself is gonna give you a lot of value. We're gonna talk about your love life and what's keeping you stuck, what's keeping you single.

Michelle Joiner (23:35.017)
and how to fix it and if coaching is the perfect fix for you. Right? Sound good? Let's get you married, sis.