Podcast 46: From First Date to Facebook Official

So many times, I hear women say they go on all these first dates that go nowhere. If you're wondering why and how to fix it, listen to this podcast.

Ready for an intimate, premium coaching experience where you have encouragement and fun in the dating process AND fall in love with your handsome, godly man?  

If the answer is yes, you'll want to join me for private 1:1 mentorship. Click the link below, book a consultation call, answer the application questions, and start your journey to finding the man of your dreams.

Let's get you married, Sis!

www.thechristiandatingcoach.com

Transcript

Michelle Joiner (00:00.898)
Hey, hey, sis. I would like to just thank you so much for listening to my podcast. And if you have been enjoying what you've been hearing and getting so much value out of it, I would just ask you to leave me a review. Give me a five star rating on Apple Podcasts. You can actually write a review. I love seeing people give me five star ratings. It just makes my day.

And I want you to know that sometimes I look and I can see what cities people are listening to my podcast in and there's cities all around the world. And I'm just so grateful to God that he has blessed my ministry and that I am helping so many women find the love of their life. Last year, four of my clients got married, three got engaged, and five started relationships with amazing godly men.

that will probably lead to engagements. And for God to be working through this ministry that I have to help Christian women find their handsome godly husband is mind blowing to me. I'm incredibly grateful for that. And I just wanted to say thank you for being a part of my, a part of my world and letting me speak into your life. is an honor I do not take lightly.

And what I'm going to talk to you today is something that I hear a lot from people who want to work with me. They say, listen, I get all these first dates and then they never turn into a second date, much less a relationship. So what I'm going to talk to you about today is how I teach my clients to go from having that first date to creating a Facebook official relationship.

a relationship that he's proud of, that he wants to scream from the rooftops, that he's with you, that he can't wait to send you that first text in the morning. He's just waiting for you to wake up so he doesn't wake you up because he's dying to talk to you kind of relationship, that kind of relationship where you both are looking into each other's eyes, asking yourself, I can't believe I found my person. Is this the one I'm supposed to be with for the rest of my life? Because

Michelle Joiner (02:24.168)
I don't know what I would do without this person. That's the kind of relationship I want for you. That's the kind of relationship I help my clients get. And today I'm going to show you how I help them do that, specifically how to go from a first date all the way to a Facebook official. Now, like I said, people are coming to me because they're having these first dates that aren't going anywhere. And they say that there's a couple of things that happen

and a couple of things that they think is the reason why their relationship, their dates aren't progressing to the next level. So the first thing they might say to me is, well, I just deal with all these men that don't want commitment. These guys don't want to commit. These guys don't want to settle down. They just want to play the field. And they're not interested in anything long term. And they're telling themselves, this is the reason why it doesn't go anywhere. It happens all the time.

I keep meeting the wrong guys, the wrong guys that aren't willing to commit. And what I'm gonna tell you is once you learn how to solve for this, one of my most popular podcasts is Inspire Him to Commit. That's not a problem. It's not a problem to be with a guy who is afraid of commitment. Lots of people are afraid of commitment. Commitment's a big thing. You should be afraid of commitment. They just...

They just need to find the right person because that same guy, that same guy who will tell you that he's afraid of commitment, when he meets the woman that rings his bell, he's all up on that commitment. You guys have seen it before, I have seen it before, we've all seen that before. The guy who says he doesn't want to commit and then before we know it, he's pushing strollers with twins. And with a ring on his finger. we know, that reason, like just put it to the side.

because you know that if you could flip his switch, he would commit to you. So don't use that a reason against yourself. All then the next reason that I really hate, I really hate hearing this reason, women tell me it's because they're not peppy enough or pretty enough. And this is just a dagger to my soul. One of the main things I help women believe,

Michelle Joiner (04:47.183)
is that they are desirable, that they are the total package, that they are beautiful at any weight. I wanna tell you, this is how I felt when I met Caleb. I have bipolar, I think some of you guys know that, I have bipolar. And so I take a lot of medication. So quite often my weight is just going up and down and up and down, because I'm really, I know how to eat healthy. So I know how to lose weight, but then I get sick and the meds bring the weight back on.

So I had gotten down to a size small right before I met Caleb and then I got sick again and I was right back up to like a size three X or two X or something like that. And I had told myself when I was a size small, like, okay, now I'm gonna meet my person. This is it, now I'm skinny and I'm as pretty as I've ever been. Now I'm gonna meet my person. Well, I didn't meet my person then. I got sick, gained the weight back. I was about a two X when I met Caleb.

And he made me feel, even though I was a size 2X or 3X, he made me feel like I was the most beautiful, gorgeous supermodel ever.

I think it's really funny of God to do that, that God didn't bring me my person when I was skinny and I thought I was pretty. He met me when I was probably my heaviest and he told me that he loved all of my bodies. Like he saw pictures of me skinny, he saw pictures of me heavy. You know, he met me when I was a size three X or whatever. And he was like, I love all of your bodies.

So when a woman tells me that the reason why her dates don't progress from the first date is because she's not peppy enough or not pretty enough, it breaks my heart because listen sister, when you meet the guy that God created just for you, he's gonna love everything about you. Everything about you, your weight, your frizzy hair, your everything, your, I don't know, your snaggle toe.

Michelle Joiner (06:58.5)
Here's Nagel Tonel. He's gonna love everything about you. It's gonna make him just so warm and happy that you are you. So don't tell yourself that you're not getting a next date because you're not pretty enough. I hear people say that I'm not peppy enough. I don't have this, you know, kind of like joking around attitude and hey listen, that is something that some guys like but not every guy likes. You are you.

And one of the most beautiful things you can do is embrace who you are and capitalize on the things that make you unique and you special, make you a peculiar treasure that he will not find anywhere else. So don't try to be like anyone else. All right.

The third reason that I hear is, well, I didn't have sex with him. I didn't sleep with him. I didn't offer sex. I didn't let him dot dot dot. And I just want to say that, let's just say that for some reason that is the reason why he didn't want a second date, you dodged a bullet. I don't think that is why a guy does not want to have

of relationship with someone that is serving the Lord. If it's a guy that is obedient to God's scripture, then he will honor that about you. I actually think that there are guys that if you could, if you could create in him a burning desire and a with just attraction,

He would not care. He would be willing to wait. so what really needs to happen is you need to be true to your standards and your values because the right guy will honor them and the wrong guy is always the wrong guy. He is always the wrong guy. But listen.

Michelle Joiner (09:08.893)
All these reasons are just excuses that people use to hide the real reason why the dates didn't progress into a relationship. Even not having sex, even that, even that is just an excuse they will use. It's the same way, like, you know when you go to a store and you see something really nice?

and you're like, I don't have enough money. It's not really that you don't have enough money. It's that you really don't really want it. You really don't want it. So like when guys say, well, you didn't sleep with me and I, you know, I'm not about waiting. Like that's just an excuse for a guy to say, I'm not ready for him. And that's just an excuse that he is using because here's the thing that happened. Here's the thing that the real reason why first dates don't continue on to second dates.

The real reason is because there wasn't enough chemistry, sis. There wasn't enough chemistry. There wasn't that feeling where he's drawn to you, where he's excited about you, where he's got this intense, strong attraction and feeling of connection, something that he can't even explain, but he's just excited to see you again and again and again. And he wants you.

He can't have enough of you because there's so much chemistry there between you two. Sis, that is the reason why it didn't progress. There wasn't enough chemistry. Now, you might think that chemistry or that inexplicable spark is either there or it's not there. And there's nothing you can do about it, but you are wrong.

You can learn how to create chemistry. I help my clients with this all the time and I am going to I Am going to show you in this podcast how you can create this chemistry because when it's there You're gonna be Facebook official in no time Caleb told me there was so much chemistry between us that like I purposefully like avoided certain topics and I

Michelle Joiner (11:30.0)
change subjects to go back to other topics so that we could stay in that like juicy electric kind of like high like tension zone and we could fall in love there because that's what chemistry does. Chemistry is what lets you fall in love with someone and that feeling where they're the one for you, that's because of chemistry. Now a lot of times

A lot of times we think that like when we're on a date like, it has, we have to have good conversation or like, it such a good date. We had such good conversation. We had so much in common, da da da. Listen, guys don't marry girls because of good conversation. They marry girls because they feel chemistry. And if you don't believe me, when I was single, I met this guy that I just really liked. I really liked him. I...

was like, I thought he was perfect for me. And we just had so much in common, our families, our careers, our personalities, our interests, we had so much in common and to talk about, and I shared like all kinds of stuff with him. He shared all kinds of stuff with me. We could talk for hours. While he came and visited me and because we were long distance, even the first time he visited me, we hung out, same thing, had perfect conversation.

hung out, did a lot of the same things together, enjoyed our time together, I thought. Then when he got home, he called me and he said, I didn't feel anything. I didn't feel what I wanted to feel, which is what I mean, says he didn't feel any chemistry. There was a lot of things in common and a lot of good conversation, but that's what creates a pen pal. That's what creates someone that you hang out with like,

to play a board game together. It's not what you want when you're looking for a sexual life partner. Okay, you wanna feel that spark. So listen, these are the things that I want you to do to actually create this chemistry.

Michelle Joiner (13:51.692)
Okay, here's some things that will get in the way. Let me start off with that. So some things that will get in the way is having an entitled attitude, like he should impress me. That is like a no. It's so unattractive. And a lot of women do this, like he should impress me, he should pay for this, he should take me to this nice restaurant, dah, dah, dah. It's gonna kill chemistry because he's gonna feel as though like he's just a money ticket to you. So we don't wanna do that. We don't want to...

have this entitled attitude, like just impressed me. It's a major turnoff. I talked to guys a lot and a lot of guys will tell me this, having, like going out with girls where they feel like, it's just for what they can get on the date. It's like a major turnoff to them. So that was the first one I wanted to share because guys mentioned that so much. The second one, I know you know this, sis. I know you know this. You're making the date feel like an interview, like a series of questions.

And not only a series of questions, but like an assessment questions like, you do this? Do you do that? Do you do that? Boring, not fun, not pleasant. Like honestly, not only will these dates, these mistakes keep you from creating chemistry on your date, they will keep you from having a good date. It's just not gonna feel good for either of you. Letting him do all the talking is one that I purposefully phrase that way because a lot of women will tell me, well, he did all the talking, no.

you let him do all the talking. And I'll go into this one a little bit more later in terms of how you can avoid that. And then last, and like I said before, if you think the date, the most important thing that you do on the date is have conversation, have good conversation. You're gonna be like scrambling to think of topics and conversation starters and like try and be like smart and try and like ask the right questions and give the right answers.

so that you can have good conversation. And that kind of energy is, that's not romantic. It's not romantic. It's not gonna create sexual tension. It's not at all gonna create chemistry. So those are the things I want you to stop doing because they stop chemistry. All right, so this is what I want you to do instead. These are the things that create chemistry.

Michelle Joiner (16:17.983)
I go into this a lot deeper in my coaching programs because this is something this is this is all comes down to that siren voice, right? That siren voice that creates electricity and draws men in. The first thing that you need to do is create. I want you energy. I want you energy. You know that song from a while back? It's a Beatles song where he says like, I want to hold your hand.

Like it's just something inexplicable. Like how random is that? I want to hold your hand. I can't think of anything more romantic than a guy saying, can I hold your hand? Can I have a hug? You know, where he's just so drawn to you in that moment. And you do this with like that just gentle touch on his knee, that gentle touch. You know, I like to say you give a guy a hug and you put your hand on the nape of his neck and it's just...

Sends a thrill through your body and you the tone that you use and the things that you say and you just create this I want you energy and I'm not talking about how he wants to sleep with you. I'm not talking about that. I mean he wants you all of you. I want you to be mine. You're mine. I can't have it any other way. I can't be without you. I want you in all the romantic ways and all the ways that are special.

for a man and a woman that God created to be together. Like that's what you need to create in order to, that is when he will want to lock you down forever. That is when he cannot wait to call you at the end of the day. That is when he, you know, he like changes his whole life and spends thousands of dollars on a ring and you two start planning your honeymoon because you created I want you energy.

All right, here's another one. Another one that you really want to do. When I told you before, you can't let him do all the talking. Well, that's because you've got to be vulnerable to. You've got to open up to you've got to share as well. So when you're having the conversation, you've got to open up and share the things that are really on your heart, the things that really matter to you, the things that like you really think about because

Michelle Joiner (18:44.02)
That's the other thing, like you have to let the conversation get intimate. You have to talk about your fears and your dreams and your hopes and the memories. have to literally create a bond between the two of you where you are opening yourselves up to each other.

where you are confiding in each other, where you are the person that he wants to share things with, but that he's never been able to share anything with anyone else.

So more than anything else, more than anything else, you want to become something to him that nobody else has ever given him. You want to, I talk about this, I've talked about this before, you want to become the source of pleasure to him. So not only pleasure in terms of that I want you energy,

Also pleasure in terms of making him feel respected, making him feel manly, making him feel like he can find you, make him feel seen, making him feel understood. Like all of these things, like, and you do this honestly, just by opening up. It's not like something that you need to do and like check a list off and be like, did I do this? Did I do that? No, you open up, you open up and you get vulnerable and you get real.

And you learn and you can learn this over time. This is what I teach my clients to do. You learn how to draw a guy in with that beautiful I want you energy that beautiful siren voice making him feel manly and respected. That's something that you learn over time how to talk to men. Effectively how to talk to men so that you like I said before inspire him to commit.

Michelle Joiner (20:44.229)
And then lastly, this is something that you do. Some of these things are things that you do on the date. Some of these things you do after the date. Because like you do this on the date, but then the follow up is so important. That text that you send afterwards where you're like, I couldn't sleep. I just couldn't stop thinking about you on our date last night. Flame, flame, flame. Some of these things you do after the date.

And one of the things that is super important, I'm gonna say this, I saved this for last, because believe it or not, believe it or not, one of the best ways to get commitment is to not be anxious about getting commitment. Did you hear that? One of the best ways to get commitment is to not be anxious about getting commitment.

You've got to be patient. You've got to be cool and collected. You've got to be assured. You're not looking for validation. You're not looking for assurance. You believe and you know that you are going to find your person and that he is going to come into you because you are the total package. And you don't need to worry about it. You don't need to worry about it. A woman that is secure and patient and doesn't need validation and assurance is a track.

Okay, sis, I know this was a lot of information. I like to keep my podcast short and sweet and pack it with a lot of good stuff. Now listen, like I said before, some of these things you have to learn. I had to learn a lot of these things that I'm telling you. Like I said, with that first guy, didn't do it. With that first guy, I didn't create any chemistry where he felt something, right? So some of the things I...

I taught you today, I wanna go deeper with you. I wanna show you how to do this, how to create I want you energy. I wanna show you like how to make a man feel manly. Like I learned this, a lot of these things from my dating coaches. And then as a dating coach myself, I learned how to help women create this in their lives, in their own way, in their own voice. When I was dating Caleb, like one of the first things he said to me, he sent me this.

Michelle Joiner (23:03.463)
seven minute long voice recording. And in that voice recording, he was saying, no other woman has made me feel the way you make me feel. I feel so mainly around you. I feel like I could take a log and smash it over my knee. Like you do that to me, you make me feel that way. And I learned that. I learned that. And you can take a lot of time figuring it out for yourself.

trying different things and it not working, you can like go ahead and try things out and keep doing what you're doing or try and tweak it and do just a little bit different or you can come and learn from me. You can come and learn from me and get the results that my other clients have gotten. Just this past weekend, one of my clients got married and she's now honeymooning. One of the clients that got engaged last year got married this weekend and she's honeymooning with her husband.

snuggled up in front of a fire in love, totally walking on cloud nine because she took the chance of having a guide, having a mentor. A lot of the women that come to me are so powerful in their lives. They're so powerful in their careers and in their hobbies and in their families and in their service to their churches. They're so powerful. But part of that power is because they got mentors.

And that's what I am to you. I am your mentor for the most important part of your life. The part that means the most to you. Finding the love of your life. Finding that handsome, godly man to make you feel like you're a princess. To make you feel like nobody else in the world exists for him except you.

And I like to say that it creates a life of utter joy and utter peace when you have found your person. You you get to build a life with him. You have someone to come home to, someone to share, share the joys and also the sorrows of life. Nobody wants to go through this alone. So that's what I'm here to help you with. I'm here to help you find that love of your life.

Michelle Joiner (25:16.235)
I have a few more positions open for private one-on-one mentorship. I only take a few private one-on-one clients and I do have a few spots available as we speak right now. It's the end of January, 2025. I want you to reach out to me. There's lots of ways to reach out to me. You can either click the link in the show notes and book a call with me to talk to me about.

coaching about being coming my client. You can hit me up on Instagram. You can hit me up on Facebook. You could send me an email. Basically anywhere you can talk to me. I encourage you to reach out to me. I have a deep passion to help God's daughters find the love of their life and to end their single life forever. I have a deep passion because I've seen the pain it caused.

causes to be alone. I felt that pain. I've woken up on Christmas morning by myself and just told myself this is never going to happen again. This is never, never going to happen again. I'm going to find my person. But I got help. And that's what I encourage you to do. So I want you to reach out to me, book a call, reach out to me on my Instagram or my Facebook and start the conversation with me about coaching because listen sis, there is nothing more beautiful.

than living out your life with someone that cherishes you and adores you. Let's get you married sis.