Podcast 64: How to Tell Him You’re Saving Sex for Marriage

Bringing up sex before marriage can feel awkward, intimidating—or like a guaranteed vibe-killer. But it doesn’t have to be.

In this episode, I’m walking you through the sex talk no one ever teaches you how to have—the one that honors your faith, protects your heart, and actually builds chemistry instead of killing it.

You’ll learn:

• Exactly when to have the conversation (and when it’s already too late)
• What to say (with softness, confidence, and feminine clarity)
• How to know if a man respects your boundary—or if it’s time to walk away
• Why purity doesn’t mean silence—and how godly desire and godly discipline go hand-in-hand

Sis, this isn’t about shame or fear.

It’s about maturity, conviction, and knowing what kind of marriage you’re building before you ever say “I do.”

Let’s get into it.

P.S. You don’t just want a godly husband.

 You want a godly coach—someone who shares your convictions and actually understands what this standard feels like to live out.

I saved sex for marriage too. I get it.

And I know how to guide you with wisdom, clarity, and strategy to find a love story that honors God and excites your heart.

If that’s what you want too, let’s talk.
 👉 thechristiandatingcoach.com

Transcript

Michelle Joiner (00:00)
Hey, hey sis, let's talk about one of the most important and maybe most avoided conversations that you'll ever have with a man you are dating. The conversation about sex before marriage. If you've ever felt nervous about bringing it up,

or worried that it might make things awkward or kill the chemistry, you are not alone. But here's what I want to tell you. Sex isn't a dirty word. It's a sacred one. Sex is not something to be ashamed of. It's not taboo. It's not something only married people are allowed to acknowledge. Even if you're a virgin, even if you've never talked about sex before.

You are still a grown woman. And if you're serious about dating for marriage, you must be able to talk about what kind of marriage you're actually building. Today, I'm going to show you how to bring up your boundaries around sex in a way that feels confident, warm, and powerful.

This isn't about awkward confessions or fear-based ultimatums. It's about creating clarity, trust, and chemistry that's rooted in conviction. I want you to imagine that telling a guy that you are saving sex for marriage could make him even more attracted to you. Sound good? Let's get into it. So here's why you must talk about it.

When you avoid this conversation, you leave room for assumptions and assumptions lead to compromise. Men aren't mind readers. They need to hear your standards early so they can respond with alignment or disqualification. If you think to yourself, the first part of this whole conversation starts

with a conversation that you have with yourself, that your boundary is a gift, that your boundary is something to be proud of, that your boundary is something beautiful and holy and God-honoring. And when we start there, we're able to have this conversation with the guys so much more quickly because we're not embarrassed or ashamed or worried or scared. We're proud and we're excited to share this. And I'm gonna share

with you some ways that you can tell him your standard and your boundary in a beautiful, engaging, compelling way. But first of all, I just want to ground us in the biblical foundation so that we know where this standard and value is coming from. In Hebrews, it says, marriage should be honored by all and the marriage bed kept pure. Sex is not forbidden.

it's protected within the covenant of marriage. So 1 Thessalonians goes a little bit further and says, this is God's will, your sanctification, control your body with holiness and honor. Waiting isn't repressive. It's a way to please the Lord.

What saving sex isn't about shame, it's about honor. It's about honor. The verses go on to say control your body and holiness and honor, not in passion lust like the Gentiles who do not know God. We know God and that's why we're obeying him in this way. And even Song of Solomon says, do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires. And we know that

like it says in Hebrews, it so desires to be awoken in the context of marriage. So I just want you to truly reframe that this isn't a fear of sex. It's about giving it the space and time that God wants it to have in the context of marriage.

As someone who saved sex for marriage, I have to say that it's the most beautiful thing I could have done for my husband and for myself. both were virgins when we got married. We've only known each other and we feel so much safety and trust in each other. I know other couples that they weren't virgins when they got married, but they waited on each other.

They save sex from each other for their wedding day. And even though they weren't virgins when they got married, they were virgins to each other. And they created so much trust by honoring the marriage vows before they were married. They know and believe that they're going to honor those marriage vows way until the end of their lives. It's the biggest gift that you can give yourself, obeying God in this way.

will bless your marriage, bless your husband, and bless yourself.

So when do you have this conversation and what do you say? Definitely you wanna have this conversation before temptation starts to arise. You don't want to wait for that physical sexual tension to be high. Once there, I would say once there's a mutual interest and it's clear that there's romantic momentum, then it's time.

And this could be before you meet, like Caleb and I had this conversation. He was living in Oregon. I was living in Michigan when we met online. We had a long distance relationship. So we had this conversation before we met that we were saving sex for marriage, but we were interested in each other. We knew we were attracted to each other. And that's when we had this conversation. I am going to tell you that to a Christian man,

who is saving sex for marriage, whether or not he's a virgin or not, if he's saving sex for marriage, you're telling him that you are saving sex for marriage makes you a woman among women. A woman like no other. So here's some of the things that you can say. I'm gonna give you specific examples. You'll get out your pen and paper or get out your texting phone, your texting app on your phone.

and write these lines down because they are so good. They are going to make your guy want you because they have that I want you energy in it, but the holiness too. So you say to him, I want you to know something early on. Physical connection is beautiful to me and I'm saving it for marriage. Do you see how high value that is? It's so high value.

It is so confident. It is so certain. is so, it's so I know my value, affirming my value. I'm not asking for your permission to have this standard. I am not asking for your approval. I know it's beautiful. And that's the kind of attitude you want to take when you're having this conversation. I'm definitely attracted to you. And that's what makes me want to honor God even more. So cool because

What men like I have said before, what men worry about and what everybody worries about with this particular standard that the Lord has given us is will we have sex when we're married? Are you someone that likes sex? Are you someone that likes me? And we assure him yes and yes. Another way you could say it is I've made a decision to wait. And if we keep getting to know each other, I want to be upfront about that.

This one is for you if...

if you, if you're feeling like.

I would say I would use this one. If you're feeling like things are getting kind of fast, things are going down a certain road and you need to put the halt on it, this is what I would say. I would say, listen, I've made a decision to wait. And if we keep getting to know each other, I wanna be upfront with that, right? And that's just when you're just like, I need to be done with the games. I need to be done with the...

the vagueness or the confusion. Like I just need to, I just need to tell it to this guy straight. And that is you then use this line. And then if you start having the conversation and he starts coming in high, you say, I'm looking for a man who shares the same value and isn't doing out of guilt, but out of reverence for God and the vision for intimacy and marriage. So

Because one of the things that I have seen, and it's always very sad to me, is someone who has no desire, a man who has no desire to obey God in this way. And you tell him, I am obeying God in this way. And he says, okay, well, I'll do it for you. And that's when you say, no, no, I'm looking for a man who shares this value and isn't doing it for me, but out of reverence for God.

and vision for intimacy in our marriage. And what this ultimately might be telling you is that this is not the right guy for you. Because if he doesn't have the conviction to save sex for marriage, what I have seen most times is that this relationship does not work. Because he's gonna have the pull.

to be more sexual and be more physical and be more intimate and he's not gonna be satisfied and you're gonna be frustrated because you're pulling him along with this standard and you're pulling him along based on your convictions that he does not share. So sis, I hate to tell you but if you're with a guy that does not have this conviction on his own, I would encourage you to

end the conversation and find someone that does share your convictions. And one of the things I will say is I have seen women fall into this kind of relationship and stay in this relationship. It doesn't work out in the end, but the reason why they do that is because they're not meeting other godly men.

They're not meeting men that share this conviction. And the reason why almost always is because they're looking in the wrong places. It's because they have dating profiles up that do not clearly state your convictions and call in men with your same convictions. It's because they spend a lot of time doing things in the world and with non-believers and they run into a guy.

You've got to find someone who is, who is set apart from the world, who is in the world but not of it, and go to the places where those types of men are. And don't settle for a man who is not that.

So listen, when you say these lines, these lines, this is how you say it without killing the mood, without killing the chemistry. Do it with a soft tone and smile and stay in feminine energy. And this isn't an interview or a court room or a place where he's judged. This is a place where you're finding out if you two are meant for each other. Not judged, this is not like a test he has to pass.

You're just sharing. You're not even demanding anything. Because remember, like these lines aren't meant to convince him or persuade him. These lines are just meant to communicate who you are and what your vision of marriage is. So we're looking for curiosity or verbal agreement on his part. And if there's like, well, that's I respect you for that. And we'll see that the yellow flag.

And if there's defensiveness or blame or a debate, then that's a red flag.

Because a godly man won't argue with this boundary. He will have it and be honoring it himself.

So in closing, don't be afraid to talk about sex. Be mature about it. You're not igniting temptation. You are modeling conviction. Godly desire and godly discipline are not enemies. Having a desire for sex is not sinful. So let's not make it into a sin. Let's embrace that beautiful thing that God has created in us with

Discipline sex is a part of marriage. So talking about it is Part of preparing for marriage and I promise you this conversation will build trust and safety and an incredible alignment if it's done, right So sis you are not too much for bringing this up. You are not scaring him away Believe you me men do not mind talking about sex. You are not scaring him away

You are filtering with grace and conviction. Godly love isn't afraid of truth and godly men aren't afraid of this conversation. When you talk about sex with confidence, you're not being inappropriate. You're being intentional. You're saying that this is who I am. This is what I value. This is the kind of marriage I want to be building.

And the right man will hear that and say, this is exactly the kind of woman I've been praying for. Now, if you want support navigating this in your real dating life, or if you need help handling how a man responded when you shared, I want you to book a consultation call with me and talk with me about coaching. I want you to

really be able to embrace this part of your life with the support and guidance. Like we think about Ruth and how Naomi coached her and taught her and led her and mentored her and guided her into the arms of her husband, Boaz. And in a lot of ways, that's how I am for my clients. I am a mentor and a guide.

someone who has gone a few steps ahead and can help you go those steps too. So I want you to book a consultation call at the christiandatingcoach.com and come and talk to me about coaching and your love life. I will tell you the one reason keeping you single and how to fix it. If you're loving these podcasts, please leave a five star rating and a review and tell your friends about it. Let's get you married sis.