Podcast 80: Stop Interviewing on Dates. Start Creating Chemistry.

If your dates keep feeling more like interviews than romance, you’re not alone—and it’s not because you’re “bad at conversation.” 

There’s one subtle habit that’s quietly killing your chemistry, and you may not even know you’re doing it. 

In this episode, Michelle reveals the small but powerful shift that can turn surface-level Q&A into real, magnetic connection—fast. 

Don’t waste another date stuck in polite small talk when you could be creating sparks that last.

If you’re ready to enjoy your dates again, draw men in without overthinking, and finally create the kind of connection that can lead to marriage, this could be the turning point in your love story. 

Ready to take these insights to the next level and get the result you truly want? Apply for private mentorship today—because the right man can’t find you if he can’t feel you.

Click the link below to apply and meet Michelle for a consultation.

The Christian Dating Coach Consultation Call — The Christian Dating Coach

Transcript

Michelle Joiner (00:00)
Hey, hey sis, have you ever sat across from a man on a date and felt like you were in a job interview you didn't sign up for? the questions come one after another. So what do you do? Where do you see yourself in five years? Tell me about your family and you're answering. He's answering and yet something's missing. The spark.

the connection, the feeling that you're actually two human beings sharing a moment. Says, if your dates sound more like LinkedIn than late night conversations on the porch, we need to talk. I've had so many clients tell me, Michelle, I don't understand. I'm asking questions. I'm listening. I'm doing all the things. But the conversations, they just feel flat.

I don't feel like I'm falling in love. And when I ask them to replay the date for me, guess what it sounds like. It sounds like an interview. One question, one answer, one question, one answer. Are we playing tennis? There's no shared stories, no playfulness, no space for curiosity to turn into connection.

And the problem isn't that you're asking questions. It's that the questions are replacing real connection. And in dating, just like in marriage, your job is not to collect data points about a man's resume. It's to connect heart to heart, spirit to spirit.

My old dating coach used to say that men don't marry women they have good conversation with. They marry women who create a feeling in them. And let me tell you what happens when you make a date feel like an interview. Three things happen. First, he feels evaluated, not enjoyed.

Men can tell when you're mentally holding a scorecard. He says, I'm in finance. And you think, check. He says, I'm not sure I want kids. And you think, one. Now, is it wrong to have standards? Absolutely not. I'm not saying that. But here's the thing. Attraction doesn't grow in an atmosphere of evaluation.

Nobody feels relaxed or open when they sense they're being graded. Imagine every time you opened your mouth, you knew the other person was thinking, hmm, is that good enough for me? Is that what I'm looking for? Is this the right person for me? You would clam up. You'd stop showing your real personality.

That's exactly what happens when a man feels like he's being interviewed instead of enjoyed. Number two, you stay in your head instead of your heart. When you're planning your next question or mentally checking off your list, you're not actually listening. You might hear his words, but you're not catching the tone, the humor, the emotion underneath.

There's no flirtatiousness there. There's just a give and receive tit for tat. And here's the danger. The real connection cues are in the unsaid things, the pauses before he answers, the way his eyes light up when he talks about his nephew, the slight hesitation when you ask about his last relationship. And when you are already

halfway through thinking about your next question, you miss those things. You miss those micro communications that tell you his heart. You miss the moments where connection could have been deepened. And let me share the last thing that happens when you're allowing interviews to kill the date. You miss the chance to create

Chemistry isn't built by facts. It's built by feelings. Remember when I said men don't marry women they have good conversations with. They marry women that create a feeling in them. And you don't fall in love with someone's resume. You fall in love with how they make you feel. The way that they become a source of pleasure for you. And when you trade playful

banter for rigid Q &A, you rob the conversation of oxygen. There's no laughter, no teasing, no sense of us against the world. And here's the irony. You can get all the right answers on paper and still leave feeling zero desire to see him again. Because data doesn't make your heart skip. Shared moments do.

And here's the kicker, interviews aren't fun for you either. They put you in this tense, judgmental headspace that makes dating exhausting. I had way more fun with men when I decided to just enjoy the conversation and stop with the judgment. Here's the truth, not every man is going to be someone you've married.

But stop assuming he's worthless unless he's marriage material. That mindset keeps you guarded, disconnected, and closed off. Neither of you can access the chemistry. this right here is the key most of my clients make right before their husband appears. It happened for them, it will happen to you.

It happened to me. The moment I let myself enjoy meeting men without that constant evaluation running in the back room, that's when I met the man I married. Let's go a little bit deeper here. I want you to think about Jesus and how he connected with people in the gospels. He didn't walk up to the woman at the well and say, what's your five-year plan?

What do you do for a living? Tell me about your parents. He started with something human and tangible. Will you give me a drink? A simple real moment that opened the door to a deep conversation about her life, her relationships, and even her faith. You don't even have to force intimacy. You just have to create a space where it can happen naturally.

So I want to give you the step-by-step solution to end the interview date once and for all.

First, start with the moment you're in and flirt. Don't just talk about the music or the view like you're reading Yelp reviews. This is where you use flirt pure. That means honey words, soft, warm, playful phrases that make a man feel good in your presence. Instead of this place is nice, try, you know, I don't think

ever been somewhere like this with a man who makes me feel this comfortable? That is the warm glow, the beauty of honey where it's just gonna make him feel like you're such a source of pleasure to him. I want you energy, not in a sexual way, but in a way that lets him know you're enjoying him as a man. It's leaning in, locking eyes when he's talking, letting your smile linger a beat longer.

that microsecond of extra tension tells him, see you. I like you. I'm glad I'm here with you. I actually gave one of my clients the task to just tell a guy, you look hot. That needs to be conveyed. No man is going to want to continue a relationship with a woman that hasn't let him know in multiple ways. I think you're hot.

That's what men are looking for. They're also looking for respect and They want to feel like a man around you that you make them feel safe. And when you acknowledge his leadership, his thoughtfulness, his presence, his strength, for instance, if he chose a restaurant, you could say You have great taste. This place is perfect.

respected man who knows how to get the best tacos in town. And if he offers you his jacket, let yourself receive it with warmth. And then lastly, tease with affection. Playful back and forth is so magnetic. If he tells a story about burning a toast, laugh and say, no. So basically, I should never let you near my kitchen.

It's light, but it creates chemistry. The magic is in making the present moment feel alive. And when you do this, you're not interviewing, you're inviting him into an experience with you. And that is where attraction grows. If you haven't been flirting on your dates, sis, this is the of how you can start doing it. But I'm not done yet.

There's something else I want you to do. Tell mini stories. A lot of you are giving answers to questions like, I like hiking. That's not enough. If you're going to say something like, I like hiking, tell the story of the time you hiked in the rain and came home covered in mud, laughing so hard you could barely breathe. Do you see how that

little micro story instantly makes you feel like you've gotten intimate with someone and you can picture them in other settings. Stories do something that questions can't. They transport the listener into your world. They invite him to picture you, to imagine himself there, and to feel what you felt. That's when a person starts to fall in love. And don't

overcomplicate this, your stories don't have to be epic Jane Austen Charles Dickens stories. You're not auditioning for a TED talk. It can be as simple as, you know, I tried to make cinnamon rolls from scratch once, but it looks like a crime scene in my kitchen and I'll never do that again.

If you were to say that to a man, he would instantly want to scoop you up and give you a hug because stories are how you get close to someone. Short stories, sensory stories, he can picture it. And because it's a little self-deprecating, it just makes you even more irresistible. So here's the pro tips. Keep your stories bite-sized, 30 to 60 seconds max. Drop in sensory details.

sounds, smells, colors, Include a moment of emotion, surprise, joy, arganess, delight. This is where he's starting to fall in love with you, sis. The goal isn't just to share facts, it's to create a moment where he feels something with you. And when you tell a story, you give him an easy way to join in.

That reminds me of a time when, or I've done that too, now you're seeing you're going to connect. Many stories turn you from just another date into someone he remembers. Not because of what you asked, but because of how you made him feel.

I have one last suggestion for you of how to avoid the interview trap. Ask real questions. And by real, I mean the things women are often too afraid to ask, but I really wanna know. Questions about sex, about God, about children, about marriage, about finances.

Why? Because these topics are intimate. They're vulnerable. They're real. Most women dance around the things they really want to know. They ask surface-level questions instead, hoping they can read between the lines to find out what they really want. But you can save yourself months, even years.

of confusion by just asking directly. Men aren't afraid of these topics. They want to talk to you about these things. Here's the key though. When you ask, you must leave judgment aside. You have to be a safe space. Once I had a conversation with a man who was polyamorous. Now, of course, that's not what I believe and it's not what I would want in a marriage partner, but that was okay.

because he wasn't suddenly worthless just because he wasn't marriage material. I wasn't judging him. I was there to listen, to understand, to see him, to bear witness to his journey and his life. And honestly, sis, that was what Caleb said made him fall for me in the beginning, the way I understood him and saw him.

for who he was. Here's something that will help you. These men that you're talking to, God loves them very much. He sent his son to die for them too. It's not just that the dates feel like an interview, it's that for many men, they feel like they're being judged. And when people feel judged,

they close off.

So release the pressure, exchange it for peace. Your husband is coming. And once you're secure in that truth, you can enjoy the men you meet without making every moment a high stakes evaluation. Sis, if you've been stuck in interview mode dating, it's time to change the way you connect.

Because the right man for you, he's not looking for a reporter. He's looking for a woman who makes him feel seen and safe and drawn in because he wants to do the same for you. He wants you to feel safe and he wants to draw you in. And if you want to learn exactly how to have those magnetic, God-honoring conversations that turn into sparks and to something lasting,

That's exactly what I teach my coaching clients every single day. So if you're ready to stop having job interviews over coffee and start building real connection and love that leads to marriage, come work with me. You can apply for private coaching using the link in the show notes. Let's make your next first date your last first date. Let's get you married sis.