Podcast 81: How to Stop Choosing the Wrong Guy

The wrong relationship can cost you years, confidence, and even your sense of identity—and it’s almost never worth the price. 

In this episode, Michelle shows you how to use biblical discernment to recognize a man’s true character, so you stop confusing chemistry for compatibility.

 You’ll learn how to stay open and curious while dating, but crystal-clear and uncompromising when it’s time to commit—so you can choose a husband whose life already reflects the fruits of a godly marriage.

If you’re ready to stop wasting time on the wrong men and prepare yourself to recognize and receive the right one, this could be the turning point in your love story. 

Book a call and apply for private coaching today, and let’s get you to the day you can say, “I knew he was the one because God gave me peace—and I chose well.

The Christian Dating Coach Consultation Call — The Christian Dating Coach

Transcript

Michelle Joiner (00:00)
Hey, hey sis, in my last episode, we talked about not judging on dates, letting yourself enjoy the conversation, ask real questions and release the pressure. And that is such an important shift because so many women walk into every first date, second date with this mental checklist and a silent prove yourself energy.

That's exhausting for you and for him. But today, I want to take you to the other side of that truth. Because while you don't judge when you first are meeting a guy, you absolutely must use maximum discernment before you enter a relationship. And I'll tell you why. A wrong relationship will cost you years.

It will cost you energy, confidence, sometimes even your sense of identity. And biblically, God calls us to guard our hearts. Proverbs 4.23 says, above all else, guard your heart for everything you do flows from it. Guarding your heart doesn't mean building a fortress around it and letting nobody in.

It means opening it to the right man and keeping it out of reach from the wrong man. This episode is the perfect follow up to last week's conversation because On the first few dates, you are in open

curiosity mode. You're enjoying the man in front of you without deciding his eternal worth based on whether you'd marry him. You're present, playful, judgment free. But once you're considering commitment, everything shifts. Now it's not just about enjoyment and connection. It's about calling, character,

covenant. We can be women who are open in dating but wise in commitment. No judgment when meeting a man, maximum discernment when choosing a man to marry. Here's what I've seen over and over. Women who blur these two stages either get guarded too soon

shut the whole connection down or they stay open way too long and get swept into a relationship with someone that was never right for them. The Bible is crystal clear that discernment is not optional. It is a mark of maturity. Matthew 7 16 says buy your fruit. Buy their fruit you will recognize them.

not by their flirting skills, not by how much you click, not by how good he looks in a black shirt, by their fruit, the evidence of the spirit in their life. This means you're not just looking at what a man says about his faith. You're looking at whether it shapes how he lives. Does he forgive easily? Does he keep his word?

Does he treat people with respect, even when it costs him something? That's what you want to look for. 2 Corinthians 6, 14 says, do not be yoked together with unbelievers, for what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Being yoked means you're moving in the same direction, with the same purpose, at the same pace. If you want a godly marriage,

You cannot be in a covenant with someone who rejects God's ways. It's not just unwise, it's disobedient. Proverbs 14, 15 says, the simple believe anything, but the prudent give thought to their steps. The prudent, wise woman, they don't just believe promises in the heat of a romantic moment.

They watch how a man lives over time. They test his consistency. They pay attention to the direction his life is heading and not just the chemistry in the present moment.

Most of the time, women choose the wrong guy not because they don't know he's the wrong guy. It's because they've mistaken excitement for compatibility. The butterflies make you ignore the red flags. Or you've hoped he'd change after commitment. You think marriage will fix the parts of him that are immature or unaligned.

Or lastly, you've assumed that intense attraction is the same as God's confirmation. But here's the truth, sis. The Holy Spirit's peace is a better indicator than butterflies. God will never lead you into a relationship that requires you to compromise your values, ignore your boundaries, or play the role

of his Holy Spirit in someone else's life.

I want to tell you a story that I saw up close and personal. One client I had met a man and had incredible chemistry with him. He made her laugh until her cheeks hurt. The attraction was just so strong. He could carry a conversation with her for hours. But when she started asking real questions about his walk with God, his commitment to the church, how he lived on his faith,

The answers were surface level. As she looked into his life, she saw that he attended church occasionally, but there was no hunger for the word or for fellowship, no pursuit of accountability, and truly no evidence that the Bible shaped his choices. Now, everything in her emotion said, stay. He was fun, charming, so interested in her.

but she had the courage to walk away. Not because he was a bad person, but because he wasn't the man to build a godly marriage with. Not long after, she met the man who would become her husband. This time, she recognized the fruit. He didn't just talk about his faith, he lived it. He took leadership in prayer, he sought counsel before making big decisions.

He not only honored her boundaries and values, he shared them. That is so valuable, sis. Hold out for a man who doesn't just go along with your standards, but instead has convictions of his own. And she told me later, Michelle, if I hadn't learned to use discernment, I never would have been free to meet my husband. I'll tell you one last story.

Another client was dating a man who was kind, hardworking, and respectful, but spiritually, he wasn't quite in alignment. There were no big red flags, but there was also no growth, no leadership, no passion for the things of God. And she kept thinking, well, he's not doing anything wrong. Maybe I'm asking for too much.

But when she measured him against God's standard for a husband, Ephesians 5.25, husbands love your wives just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, she realized she needed a man who could lead with sacrificial love, not just basic niceness. So how do you actually stop choosing the wrong guy? Here's the framework I give my clients.

First, observe patterns, not just moments. Anyone can behave well for a day or two. Watch what he does over weeks and months. Look at his history from before you knew him. How does he handle disappointments? How does he treat people who can't benefit him? This is where you let him tell you stories about his life.

and watch for the patterns. Second, seek agreement on the big things early. Remember what I said even in my last podcast, ask the real questions. Faith in Christ, desire for marriage, views on children's sexual boundaries. These are not topics to tiptoe around. You don't need to agree on your favorite pizza topping. At least not on date one. But you do need to know

that you're walking toward the same kind of life. Third, watch how he treats others. Does he tip fairly? Is he patient with service workers? Does he speak respectfully about his ex, about his parents? These reveal his character far more than how he treats you when he's trying to win you over. Fourth, invite...

wise counsel into the process. Proverbs 11, 14 says, victory is won through many advisors. Let trusted friends, mentors, and spiritual leaders speak into what they see. Sometimes they'll spot things you've been blinded to by attraction. And then five, look for spirit led peace, not just emotional highs.

Philippians 4, 7 talks about the peace of God that transcends understanding. If you have constant anxiety, confusion, or inner conflict in the relationship, that's not God's peace. So pay attention.

I want to share something personal. When I met Caleb, it wasn't just that we had great chemistry. Over time, I saw consistency. I saw humility. I saw a man who loved God, respected me, and took initiative. He was humble and peaceable. He made decisions with wisdom and patience. He treated people with grace.

And he was saving himself sexually for marriage because of his own convictions. He didn't just say he wanted a godly marriage. He was living like the man who could lead one. And that's what I want for you. A man whose life already reflects the fruits of a godly husband before he even has the title.

So here's the bottom one. No judgment on dates, maximum discernment in relationships. Be curious when you meet someone new, but when it comes to choosing a man to build a life with, let scripture, not feelings, be your filter. And if you're listening to this and realizing you've been settling for men who look good in the moment, but aren't aligned for the long term, you can make a change starting today. Inside my coaching program,

so that you can stop wasting time on the wrong men and be ready to recognize and receive the right one. If you are so ready to build a love story that honors God and brings you peace,

Apply for private mentorship using the link in the show notes.

I want to get you to the day you can say, knew he was the one because God gave me peace and I chose well. Let's get you married, sis.