Ep. 110: Women Aren’t Allowed to Want

 You’ve been told to be content. 

To wait quietly.

To make sure you never look desperate.

But what if the desire you keep trying to silence is not the problem?

This is a bold, tender word for the Christian woman who wants marriage and is tired of apologizing for it.

You’re also invited to Come and Pray this Saturday, May 16th, 2026.

No teaching. No coaching. Just prayer for women who desire marriage.

To receive the invitation, email michelle@thechristiandatingcoach.com
with the word PRAYER.

Transcript

[00:00:00] 

Whether the kind of man you want enters your story comes down to just one thing, whether he recognizes you as his when he finds you. I am Michelle Joiner, the Christian dating coach. This is a podcast for single Christian women ready to marry well. It's time

Women aren't allowed to want. Not really. Not unless they have a very good reason, a solid reason, a respectable reason, a reason that makes everyone else comfortable. You want that? Oh, okay. W- but what's your why? You wanna lose weight. What's your why? You wanna move to another part of the country. Why? You want to build a [00:01:00] different kind of life.

Why? You wanna find a husband. Oh. Well, now everyone has thoughts. Now everyone has warnings. Now everyone has theology. Now everyone wants to make sure you are not making marriage an idol. Now everyone wants to make sure you are content, grateful, patient, surrendered, and waiting on the Lord. And more than anything else, everyone wants to make sure you are not desperate, because women are not really allowed to act from desire, at least not desire alone.

They are allowed to want something if they can justify it enough. They are allowed to want something if they can explain it in a way that sounds mature and spiritual, [00:02:00] selfless, and socially acceptable. But to simply say, "I want it," that makes people uncomfortable, especially when the thing you want is marriage.

If a woman wants to be pursued, cherished, protected, prioritized, and delighted in, she's often told that she's too much. She is told other people matter, too, you know. She is told not to be self-absorbed. She is told to be realistic. She is told that her expectations are too high. She is told to stop focusing on marriage.

She is told to wait on God. But today, right now, as you listen to my words, sister, let me tell you clearly, you are allowed to want. [00:03:00] As my old coach used to say, "I want it" is a complete sentence, and you are allowed to say it. You are allowed to matter, to want a husband, to want children, to want romance, to want family.

You are allowed to want the life you dreamed of when you were 12 years old You are allowed to want the wedding, the home, the babies, the love story, the Saturday morning pancakes, the man who reaches for your hand, the covenant, the legacy. You're allowed to want all of it. And today I am saying this plainly, end the silencing of those desires.

Why do we silence them? We silence them because we, because we're afraid of wanting something too much. We silence them because we are afraid of wanting something that may [00:04:00] not happen. And because we're afraid of being shamed for wanting it. But most importantly, we silence them because we are afraid of what we will tell ourselves about ourselves and this desire if we admit the truth.

If I want marriage this badly, does that mean I'm discontent? If I want romance this badly, does that mean I'm immature or not enough? What if I don't get chosen? What would that say about me? Would that mean there's something wrong with me? So maybe I just shouldn't want it. Sis, the only thing wanting this means is that you're human.

It means that you're a woman with a heart. It means God made you [00:05:00] in his image with a desire. And today, sis, I want to talk specifically about the desire for marriage. And I want to show you why wanting to marry is honorable, biblical, and practical. I want to show you how the church has been wrong to not support, encourage, equip, and help you in this area.

And I want to show you how to give yourself permission to pursue marriage with as much tenacity as you've been encouraged to pursue everything else that is somehow more acceptable. Your career, your degree, your health, your finances, your exercise routine, your travel dreams, your house, professional goals.

Somehow those desires are all allowed. Maybe those desires can be called wise, [00:06:00] ambitious, stewarding, mature, disciplined. But somehow wanting marriage is suddenly called desperate. I'm here to say that that is false. That is cruel and that is not biblical. I also want to help you overcome the obstacles that get created when outside voices become so loud that eventually they become your own inner voice.

Because that is what happens. At first someone else says it, then your church culture says it, then your family says it, then other women say it, then your own mind starts repeating it. Don't want it too much, don't try too hard, don't be desperate, don't make it an idol, don't admit how much this matters.

And before long, you are not just dealing with [00:07:00] outside criticism. You are carrying the criticism inside your own mind. So today, we are going after that. The reason we know the desire for marriage is biblical is very simple. God said it is not good for man to be alone. And I want you to really sit with that for a moment.

That statement was not made in a broken world. It was not made after sin entered the story. It wasn't made after Adam failed, rebelled, or wandered away from God. That statement was made in paradise. Adam had no sin nature. Adam had no loneliness created by cultural dysfunction. He was in the garden in perfect communion with God.

And God himself said, "It is not good for man to be [00:08:00] alone." God did not look at Adam and say, "I'm enough for him. I should be enough for him." God did not say, "Adam, be careful. You might be making companionship an idol." God did not shame the need. He met it. He created Eve. He made a helpmate suitable for Adam.

And then Adam and Eve walked with God in the cool of the night. That matters. Marriage did not replace God. Marriage existed with God, created by God. Companionship did not compete with God. It came from him. It expressed God's design. So when someone treats your desire for marriage like it is automatically suspicious, I want you to remember Eden.

I want you to remember that the [00:09:00] first human problem God named was not sin. It was aloneness The first human gift God gave in response was not a sermon about contentment or idolatry. It was a suitable helper, a wife, a companion, a marriage. That is not small. That is not desperate. That is not embarrassing.

That is biblical. Not something you need to apologize for. We also know the desire for marriage is biblical because Proverbs tells us he who finds a wife finds a good thing and obtains favor from the Lord. Marriage is associated with favor. So why do we act like a woman wanting to become a wife is somehow suspicious?[00:10:00] 

We know the desire for marriage is biblical because Paul tells younger widows to remarry and have children. We know it's biblical because Paul also says it's better to marry than to burn with passion. The New Testament instructions given to the church assumes marriage as a normal part of life.

Husbands are addressed, wives are addressed, children are addressed. Singleness is honored, yes, but it is not presented as a dominant path. It's presented that marriage is normal and common. And singleness is respected if it is done in the right timing and in the right way. More often, marriage is encouraged.

Singleness can be holy. There are men and women who are called [00:11:00] to lives of consecrated singleness. And that can be beautiful, powerful, and fruitful. But the existence of a holy single life does not make it the norm. And it certainly does not make the desire for marriage desperate, idolatrous, or unholy.

Both things can be true. Singleness can be honored. Marriage can be desired. Contentment can be cultivated. Movement can be wise. And this is where the church has often confused women. The church has confused contentment with passivity. How often do you hear you should just pray and wait? That's passivity.

It has confused desire with idolatry. How often do you hear, don't make it an idol? [00:12:00] Honestly, this has done real harm because no one would look at a married woman who is trying to conceive and say, be careful, you might be making having children an idol. No one would say that. No one would say, are you sure you're content?

Maybe you should stop wanting a baby so much. Maybe you should just sit back and let God move and it'll happen when you least expect it. Nobody would say that. That would sound cruel. No one would say, if you were really trusting God, you wouldn't care this deeply. Maybe you need to make Jesus your priority.

We would pray for her. We would support her. We would grieve with her. We would hope with her. We would not accuse her of idolatry just because she's longing for a baby. We would say she's longing for something good. So why do we do that with single women and single [00:13:00] men? Why does a married woman get compassion for wanting a child, but a single woman get suspicion for wanting a husband?

Why is one longing treated as tender and the other treated as desperate? That is not right. And I want you to hear this clearly. Just because people have been unkind or frankly unbiblical in how they respond to your desire does not mean you need to internalize their missteps. Sometimes people don't know what to say.

Sometimes people have bad theology. Sometimes people are repeating phrases they heard without ever asking whether those phrases actually help. And sometimes people shame desire because they have had to silence their own desires. [00:14:00] But their discomfort does not have to become your doctrine. Desire is not idolatry.

Desire is information. The Bible says, delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart. And that verse is not simply about God handing you every random desire you happen to have. As you delight yourself in the Lord, your desires are shaped. Your heart is formed. Your longings are purified.

The Holy Spirit works in you. If the word of Christ is dwelling in you richly, if you have been transformed by the renewing of your mind, if you are walking in the Spirit, praying, making your requests known to God, casting your cares on him, filling your life with the fruits of the Spirit, then you can trust that he is at work in your heart.

That does not mean every desire is automatically perfect. [00:15:00] Of course not. We still test our desires. We still submit them to God. We still ask him to purify what is immature, selfish, fearful, proud, or unwise. But women, Christian women, need to stop assuming that every strong desire is automatically idolatry.

When we are led by the Spirit, our desires are shaped by the Spirit. Idolatry is not wanting something. That's not what idolatry is. Idolatry is when something replaces God. Idolatry is when something receives the worship, surrender, obedience, and ultimate trust that belongs to God alone. Marriage is not idolatry.

Marriage is something that God created. He did not say that [00:16:00] food was idolatry. He did not say that water was idolatry. He did not say oxygen was idolatry, and he did not say that marriage was idolatry. He created marriage as a normal, good, beautiful part of human life. And when scripture speaks to husbands, it does not say, "Be careful not to love your wife too much.

Be careful not to want your wife too much. Be careful not to idolize your wife too much." It never says any of that. It says, "Husbands, love your wives as Christ loved the church. Care for your wife the way you care for your own body." Marriage is the picture of Christ and the church. That's not a small thing.

It's not a shameful thing. That's not something women need to apologize for wanting. Now, let's talk about the [00:17:00] desire to marry as practical, because marriage is not just romantic. It is practical. It, it is not just candlelit, and kisses, and anniversary photos. It's a structure for life. It's a covering. It's a helpmate situation.

It's protection, shared wisdom, shared labor, shared money, shared decision-making, shared prayer, shared grief, joy, responsibility. Trying to do life alone in this world is hard. To care for, to care for your parents alone, super hard. To care for children alone, super hard. To care for a house alone, finances, a career, your own health, super hard.

And how wonderful of the Lord To give us a helpmate in this life. [00:18:00] And I know people sometimes try to make that sound unspiritual, but God himself said it, "It is not good for man to be alone." That does not mean single people are incapable. It does not mean unmarried people cannot live beautiful, meaningful, powerful lives.

But it does mean that the desire for a partner is rooted in practical wisdom that God named as good. A couple is a powerful thing. A husband is a powerful blessing for a woman. A wife is a powerful blessing for a man. And the practical cost of not having that can be enormous. Let's tell the truth.

Delayed marriage is not neutral for a woman who wants marriage. It has a cost. There's an emotional cost to going year after [00:19:00] year without being chosen for marriage. That affects everything. Imagine going into your career with the joy, with the vitality of having that longing fulfilled, as opposed to the hope deferred, which the Bible says makes our heart sick.

There's a spiritual cost to fighting the disappointment alone. I see so many times the desire for marriage create a, a root of bitterness and frustration with the Lord in women who have been waiting for so long. There's a financial cost to carrying finances alone. It's been shown time and time again that marriage is such a powerful wealth-building tool.

The things that a married couple can do typically outweigh by far what a single person can do in their [00:20:00] finances in terms of retirement investments, house investments, and even business investments. There's a biological cost when you want children and time keeps moving. And sometimes that cost means children aren't an option anymore.

There's a relational cost when everyone else's life appears to move into family and yours still feels like it is waiting for the first chapter to begin There is a cost to numbing desire because you just don't know what else to do with it. So when a woman says, "I want to marry," she is not merely saying, "I want a cute chick flick love story."

She is often saying, "I want the structure of my life to change." She's saying, "I want partnership. I want protection. I want to build something that outlives me. I [00:21:00] do not want to keep carrying this life by myself. I want to be stronger than what I can be on my own." That is not shallow. That is not childish.

That is not desperate. It's practical, and it's profound. It's worth taking seriously. And this is why I believe the church should be helping women marry well, not throwing cliches at them, not telling them to just wait. Wait for what? That is my question. Wait for what? If a woman is not meeting godly men, wait for what?

If she does not know how to date with wisdom and confidence and effectiveness, wait for what? If she keeps choosing unavailable [00:22:00] men, what are we waiting for? If she's invisible to the kind of man she wants to marry, waiting isn't gonna help. Waiting is not necessarily faith. Sometimes waiting is what people tell women to do because they don't know how to help them, and the church should know how to help.

Older women, like it says in Titus, should be teaching younger women. Married women should be telling the truth about how to communicate with men in a relationship, how to handle conflict with wisdom. Church communities should help single w- women meet godly men. Pastors and leaders should care about whether marriage-minded singles are being supported.

There is no reason a young woman should make a decision to marry a man without covering over her, without [00:23:00] prayer, without discernment from other people. There's no reason she should have to figure everything out alone. The church could help, but often what it gives is vague platitudes and a purity talk when you're 15 years old.

Too often The church hurts. Sometimes it ignores single people. Sometimes it uses single people as free labor. And it celebrates weddings, but does very little to help anyone move towards one. And I'm sorry for that. If you have felt unseen, misunderstood, used, shamed, dismissed in your desire for marriage, I am sorry.

That should not have happened. [00:24:00] The desire to marry is beautiful. It is worthy of support and prayer and practical help. You are allowed, and this is what I want you to hear. You are allowed to pursue marriage with tenacity. Not panic, not desperation, not obsession. Tenacity. The same way you pursued your degree.

The same way you pursued your career. The same way you pursue your health. And buying a house and starting a business and changing your life in every other area. You are allowed to become serious about this. You're allowed to say, I want to marry well. So I am going to learn. I'm going to learn where this man is that I want.

I'm going to learn [00:25:00] how to stop confusing intensity with integrity. I am going to learn how to communicate and create chemistry without chasing. I am going to learn how to inspire pursuit and discern quickly. And to stop rejecting healthy men because they don't feel like the fantasy I crave. That is not desperate.

That is wise. Intentionality and strategy is not striving. Getting help is not weakness. Movement is not a lack of faith. I want to say something about men too that you might be wondering. Men feel this too. I was recently talking with a group of [00:26:00] Christians. And at first the women were the ones speaking up.

They were talking about how they felt they had to be silent about their desire for marriage. They talked about the pressure, the criticism, the shame. But then the men spoke up. They said, we feel the same way. We're told that we're weak for wanting this or because it hasn't happened for us yet. We're judged because we're not married yet.

And they talk about just wanting to be heard and understood instead of preached at. They said they'll keep their mouth shut because they're men. And nobody ever gets to hear what they are carrying. This is hard for all singles. Men feel this too. Men may be shamed for wanting marriage, for not being in marriage yet.

They may be [00:27:00] shamed for wanting beauty, respect, admiration, peace, children, sexual connection within marriage, and a woman who delights in them. They're not allowed to say they want that. So the answer is not to shame desire in men or women. The answer is to mature it, to purify it, to bring it under the lordship of Christ, to direct it into covenant.

There are people who care. There are people who want to help. There are people who will not throw cliches at you. Find those people. Find your mentors. Find the people who pray with you without shaming you. Find the married women who will tell you the truth. Find the people who can encourage you and help you move wisely.

When I was single, I had people like that. I remember my pastor who [00:28:00] was so kind to me. I remember a married woman at my old church who would call me, talk with me, pray with me. I had a cousin who loved the Lord and would engage with me about the men I was talking to and just give me advice and wisdom.

That mattered. That helped. So find your people. Find your circle of encouragement. Find the people who will not make you feel foolish for wanting something God calls good. Because marriage is worthy of wanting. It is worthy of wanting deliberately, boldly, wisely. Do not give up on this want. Do not hide this want.

Do not be ashamed of wanting this. Go after the desire to marry. Do not stop because your own mind [00:29:00] started repeating the voices that hurt you. Bring the desire to God. Ask him to purify it. Ask him to lead you. Ask him to give you wisdom, and then move. This Saturday, May 16th, 2026, I am hosting a prayer gathering for any woman who wants to join.

It is called Come and Pray. There's no teaching. There's no coaching. It is simply prayer. Married women who served me when I was single and women that I have coached who were single before but are married now want to pray for you. They want to stand with you. They want to cover you in prayer, love, and anointing, and all you need to do is come and pray.

If you want to come to this event, send me an email at michelle@thechristiandatingcoach.com. Just write the word prayer, and you will get [00:30:00] an invitation. You are allowed to want. You are allowed to want marriage. You are allowed to want romance and love and companionship, and you are allowed to pursue that life deliberately, boldly, and wisely until your life looks like the version you really want

You don't want to keep waiting. You're ready for something real. I'm Michelle Joiner. Let's get you married well.