36. How Can Survivors of Domestic Violence Find Their Voice and Heal?

In this episode of "Good Enough", hosted by Jamie Vollmoeller, guest Lianne Torres, a podcaster and advocate for domestic violence survivors, shares her harrowing journey of overcoming an abusive relationship during the COVID-19 pandemic. Lianne discusses her transformation from survivor to advocate, emphasizing the importance of accountability, recognizing harmful patterns, and seeking help. The conversation highlights the unique challenges faced by survivors, particularly isolation during the pandemic, and underscores the need for resources to identify abusive partners. Leanne's story is one of empowerment, healing, and the critical role of community support in overcoming trauma.

In this Episode: 

• The personal journey of overcoming an abusive relationship during the COVID-19 pandemic.
• Transition from domestic violence survivor to advocate for others.
• Importance of accountability and recognizing unhealthy relationship patterns.
• Challenges faced by survivors, particularly during periods of isolation.
• Need for resources to identify potentially abusive partners.
• Impact of societal stigma on mental health and seeking help.
• Role of community support in the healing process for survivors.
• The emotional toll of chronic stress due to abuse and the healing journey.
• Encouragement to speak up and seek help is a sign of strength.
• Emphasis on self-compassion and the concept of being "good enough."

Lianne Torres is a Podcaster, Speaker and Advocate for Domestic Violence Survivors. During the COVID-19 pandemic, she overcame an abusive relationship that almost took her life and embarked on a journey of self-discovery and healing. Through her podcast, Watch Us Thrive, Lianne provides a platform for sharing stories of overcoming trauma and encourages healing by engaging in tough conversations. Her work is dedicated to empowering the voiceless by turning pain into power. Listen to and watch weekly episodes of the show available on all major streaming platforms, like Apple podcasts, Spotify & YouTube, every Tuesday.
 
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Transcript

Jamie Vollmoeller 00:00:00  Welcome to Good Enough. I am your host Jamie Vollmoeller and today we have Leanne Taurus with us. Leanne is a podcaster, speaker and advocate for domestic violence survivors during the Covid 19 pandemic. She overcame an abusive relationship that almost took her life and embarked on a journey of self-discovery and healing. Through her podcast, Watch Us Thrive, Leanne provides a platform for sharing stories of overcoming trauma and encourages healing by engaging in tough conversations. Her work is dedicated to empowering the voiceless by turning pain into power. Welcome, Leanne. How are you?

Leanne Torres 00:00:37  I'm so excited to be here. Thank you for having me.

Jamie Vollmoeller 00:00:41  I'm so excited to have you here. so for me as a trauma kid, I think that when you do have a connection to this field and the work that we do, sharing our story, and And obviously that's what your whole podcast is about. It's a really powerful way, to just destigmatize what we've been through and help other people find their voice as well. So I would love for you to share, like how you went from DV survivor to DV advocate.

Leanne Torres 00:01:08  Oh, it's been a journey. Okay. This is not something that has happened overnight, but I've been able to build this mindset of what I went through was a blessing in disguise. And you know, when I think about it, I'm grateful for the trauma I could have, like, not dealt with it, but because I went through what I went through, it has brought me here today to sit down and have this conversation with you. It's the reason why I started my podcast. It's the reason why I'm growing a community of fellow survivors, not just of domestic violence, but just people who have gone through some shit. And we want to come together as a collective and talk about it and bring it to the forefront and allow other people to not feel so alone in their own pain and suffering. Because when I was in that situation, I felt so alone. No one knew what was happening until the night that he almost killed me. That's the first time that I spoke up and actually told someone what was going on.

Leanne Torres 00:02:16  But yeah man, when I just think about everything that I've gone through, even besides that relationship, I'm grateful for it all because it has built me into this badass woman that I am today. And and I wouldn't be who I am if I didn't go through what I went through back then.

Jamie Vollmoeller 00:02:33  I very I resonate with that so deeply. I mean, I think I say all the time, like I've had clients say to me where they get triggered is that people say like, oh, well, it means you stronger. But I think when we're saying that, right, those of us that take that approach to our trauma is, I feel like I have super powers for my trauma that like the general public doesn't have. Like, I'm really good at microexpressions. I'm really good at reading body language. I'm really good at understanding human psychology. And that was long before school because my brain was just wired to learn all of that, to protect myself. Right. So it's just embracing that, like, okay, I didn't if I didn't go through this, I wouldn't have all the skills that I have today.

Jamie Vollmoeller 00:03:14  I probably wouldn't be as driven as I am today. I probably wouldn't have anything to prove, and I'd be a really different human. And I like the heat bit better.

Leanne Torres 00:03:21  Yeah, exactly. So. And it's easy to like, go the opposite way and not have that mindset of turning your pain into your power. Like, I could have easily repeated the same thing that I went through in another relationship. I could have easily not deal with the emotions, not deal with the healing. Just put like a temporary Band-Aid over a wound. Like that's what I was doing before. But it really took for me, like you said in the intro, for me to almost lose my life. That was my wake up call. That was like my come to Jesus moment. That all right, some shit has got to change because this is a pattern that is repeating and this, this situation that you were in, it almost killed you. So what are we going to do to heal from that? What are we going to do to not repeat the same cycle over and over again?

Jamie Vollmoeller 00:04:09  Yeah, I, I don't know much about your history.

Jamie Vollmoeller 00:04:13  And so do you have kids at this time? Do you have kids now?

Leanne Torres 00:04:15  I do have one daughter. Yeah. Okay.

Jamie Vollmoeller 00:04:18  Because I know that also complicates.

Leanne Torres 00:04:20  Oh, yeah.

Jamie Vollmoeller 00:04:20  For sure. In a DV situation. Absolutely.

Leanne Torres 00:04:23  So she is not his child. I have she's almost 15, so I have a teenager and I thank God that she was not around when I was in that abusive relationship. I was living in Florida at the time and she was back home with my family, which is where I am now. But, you know, I, I'm a single mom. I've had really toxic, shitty relationships in my life. Not as abusive as the last one, but just chaos and disrespect and just unhealthy relationship dynamics is something that I was very used to like. That's just something that I continuously found myself in over and over and over. It was kind of like dating the same person, but in a different body. And this last one was like the worst of them all. And that's the one that was like, all right, some shit has got to change because this here, it's it's.

Jamie Vollmoeller 00:05:21  It's not it's.

Leanne Torres 00:05:21  Not a, it's it's a hamster wheel that I keep finding myself on. I'm just like, nah, we gotta do something different.

Jamie Vollmoeller 00:05:28  Yeah, I feel that. And that's so powerful. And especially if you like, came from a traumatic childhood where like, that kind of behavior was normalized. And then we've been in all these other relationships where it's like, well, it's not like I've been through it before. I've been through worse. It's not going to get that bad. And we kind of just rationalize, rationalize, rationalize, push it down. so, I mean, I know when my mom left, it was a situation like that that caused her to leave. I know for a lot of the women that I've worked with, it usually takes it becoming, like, blatantly obvious that this is not salvageable, that you need to leave to protect yourself and your kiddies. Absolutely. Or, you know, they don't leave because they're just hopeful. And part of it, I think, is the hope that they'll change.

Jamie Vollmoeller 00:06:14  Right? Or the hope that you'll get them to love you. And I think the other part of that is the fear that this is all I've ever known, and I'm not going to get anyone better. So. Oh, what what am I walking into?

Leanne Torres 00:06:27  Otherwise, yes.

Jamie Vollmoeller 00:06:28  But, absolutely. But as you're telling this, like I love that you're taking accountability for like, the okay, these are my patterns, right? I am not responsible for what these men did to me, but I am responsible for continuing to ignore the signs that this shit is going down. Right. So, one of the things I loved when you were like, hey, can I come on is you're you're very much about people taking accountability for their role in whatever cycles are playing out for them, which I know a lot of people push back on, but I feel the same because it's like we can't control other people. We can only control ourselves. And if we start looking at what patterns we have right, then we can prevent ourselves hopefully from doing the same.

Leanne Torres 00:07:12  Dumb.

Jamie Vollmoeller 00:07:12  Shit.

Leanne Torres 00:07:13  Over and over. Yes, you are speaking my language and this is something that I speak so much on, on my own platform. Taking accountability not for what he did, like you said, but for my choices. Me choosing to stay the first time he put his hands on me. The first time he cheated on me, the first time he disrespected me or called me out of my name. That's what I'm taking responsibility for because I didn't love myself enough to walk away. And that's something that I realized when I started doing. The inner work that we talk about in this personal development space is like, what was it about me that I felt this type of behavior was, okay? And when you get to that awareness and also accepting the situation for what it is and not, you know, focusing so much on what you think it could be like. I was someone who I fell in love with potential. I created this persona, this idealization of like what he could be and not taking him for what he was bringing to me.

Leanne Torres 00:08:22  His words and his actions weren't matching up, but I was just like, you know what? I can fix him. I can save him. I can show him something that he's never had before. And I know so many of us women especially, we have that mindset because we're nurturers. We do want to, you know, we we come into these types of relationships from a place of love and a place of like just wanting to do, do, do. But then we lose ourselves in the process when we are with those type of people who are really just opportunists or really just trying to, you know, control you and manipulate and do anything to benefit them and not worrying about how you're losing yourself in the process. Yes.

Jamie Vollmoeller 00:09:08  Amen. Amen. I did a.

Leanne Torres 00:09:12  Lot of work, guys. Okay.

Jamie Vollmoeller 00:09:14  No, I think that's that's so, so true. And I don't I don't know you, Leanne. Before this. Yeah, but what you're saying is something that a lot of my clients also struggle with is that that empathic nature of like, oh, but he's traumatized and all of these things happened, and I just have to have compassion and I just have to love him more.

Jamie Vollmoeller 00:09:40  And if I do this right, then that's. Yeah. Like, it's oh, it's exhausting, but it's exhausting. But it's but but it's there. Yeah. So for the clients that you work with right. Like so I, I think accountability can be really, really hard. because to me it's, it's not, it's it's not even so much that you didn't leave then. Right? It's more like, okay, I'm going to take accountability going forward, that I'm going to respect myself enough to have any boundaries. Right? Because it's not that. It's not that you were wrong, per se for saying, because in your heart at that time, you didn't you didn't know.

Leanne Torres 00:10:27  Didn't know any better.

Jamie Vollmoeller 00:10:27  What was going to happen, right? Yeah. You didn't think that was even in the realm of possibilities, like, you know, so to blame ourselves for that isn't healthy, but it is something to say, okay, I now see this pattern and I can take accountability for knowing what the red flags have been in the past and having some real clear boundaries with myself, that if I see this at all, a little relationship that it's going to be, you know, this is a breaking point or this is a deal breaker boundary or.

Jamie Vollmoeller 00:11:01  Yeah, you know, because I, I think that's very common in DV two, which is why women stay, especially because so many abusers, like you said, if you're an empath and you have a narcissistic man who, you know, fills you up every time you're ready to go and you're done. And I have many women in my family and.

Leanne Torres 00:11:22  Clients that.

Jamie Vollmoeller 00:11:23  They they fill you with all this praise and love, and you're the best thing in the world. And then you seem content. So then they back off and they start treating you like garbage again. And then it's just the same over and over.

Leanne Torres 00:11:37  So it's literally the relationship that I was in. And I didn't realize that when I was in it, obviously. But once I left and I really dove deep into the world of DV and, you know, narcissists and love bombing and gaslighting and all these things, it's very trendy nowadays to talk about. But literally that was my relationship, like when I first met him and this was happening during Covid.

Leanne Torres 00:12:01  You guys, I met this man that in the end of April 2020, and I left the relationship in March of 2021. So it was a very short lived relationship, but it was very fast. You know, the lockdown, we were around each other 25, eight and I didn't really know this person. It was very much a relationship that was driven off of the physical, like lust and just, oh my God, this man is so out of my league. Like I don't deserve to be with someone who looks as good as him. That's how I felt about myself, right? And in the beginning, I thought I found like, my Prince Charming. Like I said before, I had really a cycle of just toxic relationships. And I thought, like, this is finally it's my turn. I finally found the one and he was great at pretending to be. You know, Mr. Knight in shining armor. But after a while, he couldn't pretend to be that. Like he couldn't keep up with it anymore.

Leanne Torres 00:13:02  And slowly the mask that he was wearing was coming down, and the real person behind it was coming to the forefront. And I did ignore the red flags in the beginning. I did, you know, fall in love with the potential And I did stay. But it took for me to almost die to wake the fuck up and be like, okay, we gotta we gotta take a step back. We we gotta start working on ourselves and stop trying to porn to everyone else. When I'm over here dried up like the fucking Sahara desert. You know what I mean?

Jamie Vollmoeller 00:13:37  Yeah, yeah, because you're just giving. Giving. I mean, you got nothing left to give, and it's just still never enough. but I think the fact that it happened during Covid, though, too, in your defense, is probably worse, right? Because I know so many women during Covid, the rates of DV just went up astronomically because we're all so isolated. We were all isolated. So it's not like, you know, if you had bruises on you, like, your spouse might think twice when you were going to work every day.

Jamie Vollmoeller 00:14:09  But when you're stuck home, and you're not seeing your family and you're not seeing your friends, like it's a lot easier. Yes. To to to to keep it concealed. Right. And they know that and and then, you know, usually following like I said, every single one of those blow ups is a apologetic I love you. I didn't mean it. It wasn't me. It was.

Leanne Torres 00:14:33  I never got that. By the way. I never got an apology afterwards. He was a type of person that had no accountability. He. I found out after leaving that my sister actually ran a background check on him, and he is a habitual offender in and out of prison for the same type of charges of DV and assault and all of the things that I knew nothing about when I was with him. He was very secretive about his past at any time. I tried to, like, pull his teeth to get something out of him. He would shut down. Yeah, he would shut down.

Leanne Torres 00:15:05  He would stonewall me. He would. Do you know me trying to invade his privacy like that was a trigger for him. And that's when it would get abusive to, like, if I overstepped his boundary. So I didn't know about any of that until after leaving. But I mean, a lot of times when it comes to these situations, these people have done this before and they will do it again for sure.

Jamie Vollmoeller 00:15:30  Oh yeah. Yeah. Oh yeah. They're just gonna keep repeating it until they're put away unfortunately. Or you know, they'll just keep cycling through. Yeah absolutely. And that's you know unfortunately the the world that we live in where women are just chronically unprotected. So you did say that your sister in law found something. Is there a resource for our listeners that if they suspect that they have a maybe verbally abusive and sometimes, like, overly handsy, but not necessarily what people classify.

Leanne Torres 00:15:59  In their.

Jamie Vollmoeller 00:16:00  Brains as abuse? Is there a database that women can look up or even men? Because DV happens with men too.

Jamie Vollmoeller 00:16:07  Yes. to see if these, this person is on this list, they have, like, this. Fair warning. Yes.

Leanne Torres 00:16:19  She actually sent this to me. It's called vine link. Com vine link.com. You literally put in the state if you know your partner's first and last name and the last state that they lived in. Put that into this website and it can literally show you if they have any sort of criminal record. Luckily, or unluckily for me, my ex, like I said, is a habitual offender and he has a long list. So he was very easily findable in this, in this situation. But, I mean, I think you should just Google anyone, anyone especially like if you're dating like me, I'm not dating right now, but when I do decide to go back out there, I'm going to Google you. I'm going to run a background check. I'm going to do my research because I didn't do that with this last relationship. And I think if I would have if I had that mentality back then, this probably wouldn't have happened if I came across the things that are associated with my ex.

Leanne Torres 00:17:21  But you live and you learn. You know, this is a situation that I had to go through in order to learn from, but I think it's so important for people to like, especially if you're online dating. Catfishing is real. People can pretend to be someone that they're not. And I think it's it's empowering for especially as women to like do your due diligence. It's not like, you know, you're being paranoid or you're doing too much like, no, you're you want to protect yourself. You've been through some shit and it's just allowing you to see is this type of person I want to associate myself with or not? How are they showing up on social media? You know, you can find out so many things, but just a Google simple Google search. That's what I've learned about my whole situation. I'm going to fucking Google you okay?

Jamie Vollmoeller 00:18:12  Well, that that I think is overall good advice too, but I'm going to drop that link in the show notes as well because I do think it's helpful.

Jamie Vollmoeller 00:18:20  but something you said also sparked something in my brain, and now I can't remember.

Leanne Torres 00:18:24  It's okay. It'll come back.

Jamie Vollmoeller 00:18:26  It'll come back, it'll come back. so, yeah, I think that one of the things that you, I've heard you speak on as, like why it's important to speak up and ask for help. So as a survivor and now an advocate, you know, from both perspectives, why is it so important?

Leanne Torres 00:18:50  Because it can literally save your life. Like me. When I escaped my relationship that night, on March 12th, 2021, I showed up at my best friend's apartment. Shout out to Giovanna! I love to shout her out anytime that I can. It was like one 2:00 in the morning. I'm banging on the door like if I'm the police. She opens up and she sees that I've been through some shit like I. I was not in a good place and you could see that. And she was the first person that I told what was happening. She's the reason why I called 911.

Leanne Torres 00:19:29  She's the reason why he is now in prison for what he did to me and his serving his time. And I was able to get some sort of justice because I spoke up and I used my voice and I let go of that shame. I let go of that fear, I let go of that embarrassment. And I just said, I cannot. I can't keep hiding this from the world like I'm suffering and, you know, going through something so traumatic, I knew that I couldn't start healing from it on my own, and I knew I needed to lean on support. I needed to lean on my family, shout out to my family. because if they weren't here, I probably wouldn't be here. But just leaning so much on the people in your circle that you really don't know have your back until you're put in situations for them to show up for you. That literally saved my life. So that's why I'm so adamant about just telling one person what's going on. You know, that you can come together and create some sort of safety plan.

Leanne Torres 00:20:32  I understand that every situation is different. You have kids, you're married, you know you're being financially abused and you have no resources. There's so many different aspects when it comes to it. But for me and my situation, it was dire. It was like a life and death decision that I made in the split moment, and I knew I needed support, and I got that by speaking up and talking about it.

Jamie Vollmoeller 00:20:58  Yeah. And I think even before we we're hoping that women leave before they get to that life or death situation, because there are so many women that don't come out of those situations alive. but just even that what you were talking about earlier with that constant, like, love bombing and then berating and the, you know, the back and forth, the mind games and the manipulation. Right? It's so distorts our reality is so that it's really easy to believe, like maybe I'm the maybe I'm the crazy one. Maybe I did do something that warranted this crazy response. And if we're not speaking about it, then there's no one to tell you.

Jamie Vollmoeller 00:21:40  No. girl to run. Yes, exactly. You know, even if it's just like. Like you said, a friend or like there are so many. I'm going to make sure to put in the show notes, like DV hotlines and everything for anyone who this resonates with, because I want you guys to have the resources. but there are plenty of hotlines. There are plenty. It's state by state, but I mean, in New York we have tons of DV resources. There is resources for housing. There's resources like like for no contact housing. They'll give you your own phone. They will pay for therapy services like in New York State. If a crime is committed against you and your insurance won't cover a good therapist that does like real trauma therapy. Not just like that talk therapy nonsense. New York State will pay for you to go get counseling. Like, with a with a trauma specialist. Like, there are so many resources at your disposal when you do speak up. And it makes it so much easier.

Jamie Vollmoeller 00:22:38  And for a woman with children, I really want to say it is so important to document. Yes, because once you get to court and you leave and there is no documentation, I can tell you from people in my that I am very close to my personal life, that it is, he said. She said if there are no police reports, if there is nothing documenting all of this longstanding abuse, that is how the court unfortunately views women. Yes, yes, in those situations, and especially if you have very, very young children who can't testify to what they saw on your behalf, because let's say they're under a certain age where they're not they don't know the difference between the truth and a lie. You're pretty much shit out of luck. And now you have the anxiety of if I leave, this man has rights to see my children without me present. Yep. And that's a whole nother host of fears. Absolutely. So, you know, for some women, I think you're very lucky that you were able to just, like, get out like a bat out of hell.

Jamie Vollmoeller 00:23:40  But I know that there are clients in our practice now that are in these types of situations, and they're preparing to leave, right? They're like, okay, finding housing, finding these sports, these sports, getting all of their ducks in a row because they know that as soon as that person finds out, that is when it's most dangerous to leave. Once they know you're going to leave, you're in grave danger. So if you are not fully ready to pull that trigger, you should definitely be talking to someone. And there are so many advocacy centers across the country that will help you to plan for that and help you to do it safely and find a timeline where it's going to be the the least amount of chance of him stopping you, or holding the kids or turning into a catastrophe. because it is a it is the most dangerous time in a domestic violence situation when a woman leaves the situation.

Leanne Torres 00:24:33  Because that control, that power that they have over you, it's no more. So they're willing to do any and everything.

Leanne Torres 00:24:40  That's when the stalking increases even more. I mean, I'm I'm grateful that it happened in Florida. And they're very strict when it comes to domestic violence. So he has been in prison since the the 12th of March, 2021. Like he's been sitting in a cell, he's been sitting in a box. And I know that I'm safe and there's many, many miles in between us. So when he gets out, I'm not worried about that anymore. But I'm very, very grateful for how everything ended up with me. And I know that's not the reality when it comes to the criminal justice system. It's very much against victims and it supports the perpetrators. I mean, that's another conversation for another day. But I appreciate you for bringing up the documentation, especially if you're, you know, sharing kids or property with this person. Like, it's very important for you to do it discreetly and to have at least one person knowing that this is happening. So that way when you do decide to leave, you at least have someone in your corner to support you because you can't.

Leanne Torres 00:25:49  You cannot do this alone. You can't. No, this is not a situation that you're going to be able to handle on your own. So that support that community, at least one person. And I mean, we have so many resources at our disposal when it comes to this. Like these cell phones, literally, these things can save your life. And we have the opportunity to. Sorry, I'm getting a the fuck is calling me my daughter.

Jamie Vollmoeller 00:26:19  How it happened.

Leanne Torres 00:26:19  Sorry. but yeah, we we have the opportunity to protect ourselves and to help ourselves by just speaking up and saying, I need fucking help. I can't do this alone.

Jamie Vollmoeller 00:26:32  Well, and I think a lot of people struggle with that because for a lot of us, especially like survivor trauma kids who always had to figure it out on their own, seeking help first all feels really vulnerable, and we're fearing a rejection. But on the other hand of that, there's this perception if I if I need help, then I must be weak.

Jamie Vollmoeller 00:26:50  And I think, as someone who works with people who pour their heart like it is, it is a very. You have to be a very strong person to come forward and say like, hey, I'm in a shit situation and I need some help right now because, it's not easy because you're if if you're doing it right, right. Like, if you really want the help you have to be honest about, like we were saying before, like your role in this and, and, you know, in those situations we're talking about abuse and chronic stress. Yeah. So I have worked with many women who have been in abusive situations and they'll be like, but I hit them back, you know, and then they're like, but then they could press charges on me. And I'm like, you're defending yourself, you know? But when you're you're in that relationship, everything that you do, you know, that you, you well, you're verbally abusive because you said this and it's like you said that because again, you're in chronic stress where someone is continually gaslighting you and making you feel unsafe and not respecting your personal boundaries, your physical boundaries, your sexual boundaries.

Jamie Vollmoeller 00:27:54  Yes. And and you're going to defend yourself in ways that you're not proud of. But that is also like entirely normal for PTSD. That is entirely normal for for being in a situation where your safety is put in danger. No one is going to be put in an unsafe situation and be like me. Please stop pounding. It's just not going to happen.

Leanne Torres 00:28:18  Yeah.

Jamie Vollmoeller 00:28:19  The New Yorker in me is going to be like, I'm gonna gouge your eyes.

Leanne Torres 00:28:23  Exactly, exactly. Yeah, we're not dealing with that. I think that's an up north thing because I'm from Jersey, so yeah, I understand.

Jamie Vollmoeller 00:28:34  I think it also just like my mom was a single mom most of my life, and she was always like, you don't need a man for shit. So it's very much the mentality I was raised with which like, no one puts hands on you and you defend yourself. Exactly. You know, not that you put hands on people first. We don't put hands on people first.

Leanne Torres 00:28:51  But if something needs to be handled, we're gonna.

Leanne Torres 00:28:55  We're gonna handle it.

Jamie Vollmoeller 00:28:56  Yes. I think that's why the Yorkers like when people run their mouth, they're like.

Leanne Torres 00:29:02  Be careful who you run your mouth. Exactly. Because you're gonna fuck around if I don't.

Jamie Vollmoeller 00:29:11  Love it.

Leanne Torres 00:29:12  Yeah. All right.

Jamie Vollmoeller 00:29:14  so you offer your your listeners and your community a lot of tools that you have learned along this journey. Right? So, I am not a victim of domestic violence. I have worked with a lot of women. But I do think that, someone who has personal experience about it, I always love to hear what worked best for you. Not that it'll work for everyone that hears that, but I think there's there's something special about highlighting your situation. And sometimes when there's a lot of overlap, it tends to be the same strategies that work. Right. So what are some of those tools. Yeah.

Leanne Torres 00:29:45  So I mean we've been talking about it leaning on support first and foremost speaking up, having at least one person in your corner. And I actually do have a free guide that we can leave in the show notes.

Leanne Torres 00:29:58  It's called the Thrive Guide ten steps on How to Heal from Trauma After Experiencing Abuse abuse. And one of the things that actually one of the life coaches that I worked with that was so impactful was writing a letter of forgiveness and not to him, but to myself, forgiving myself for what I allowed, for giving myself, for not loving myself, forgiving myself for all of these things that I was holding on to. She had me do that, write it out in a really beautiful journal that I got myself. And then she wanted me to look in the mirror and read it to myself. And when I tell you the crying like I was Kim Kardashian ugly crying, okay, like snot everywhere, like hyperventilating. But it was such a relief that I didn't know my body needed, my emotions needed. And then to, you know, put the cherry on top of the cake. She wanted me to get rid of it, either shred it or burn it to symbolize, like we are releasing and we're letting this go, and we are moving on from the ugliness that you felt about yourself.

Leanne Torres 00:31:13  So I highly recommend I chose to burn it because I just just seeing something turn into ash and dust is just so fucking therapeutic for me. Not that I'm like a pyro, okay, I'm not, but just it it was such a beautiful experience for me to allow that to just come out of me. So I recommend anyone when you get to that point, because this took me a while to get to that point. I was working with her for a while before we built up the confidence within me to do that. But when you do decide to get to that step, I'm telling you it's going to change your fucking life. And then later down the line, I did write a letter of forgiveness to my ex and I did the same thing, but I read it to my daughter. We had this thing that we did it together. The end of December 2022. We wrote letters of forgiveness to the men in our lives that hurt us, and she wrote a letter to her father, who has not been in her life for a very long time.

Leanne Torres 00:32:13  And we cried and we burned it. And it was just such a beautiful experience to just let go and just close those chapters. And it's really not about that person, but it's about yourself. It's about forgiving yourself and loving yourself and healing your wounds and really getting rid of all the ugly shit that's living inside of you, I highly recommend. I mean, journaling, oh, yeah, it's it can change your life very much.

Jamie Vollmoeller 00:32:42  A great you're actually like. It's funny, I recorded a podcast earlier today and someone else was saying the same like different population entirely, but like, write down a letter to yourself and then, like, set it on fire. And I'm like, I've done that with fire. It's like the best thing. It's the best. I love I love that because it's first off, writing a letter of forgiveness to yourself is really, really important because I think the reason that so many of us stay in those situations is because we blame ourselves, right? So if we continue to blame and berate ourselves, we're not gonna get very far in our healing journey because we are talking to ourselves like all the other abusers in our life have talked to us.

Jamie Vollmoeller 00:33:22  So how are we going to heal from that? That's not going to happen. So we need to learn to just be okay with, like I was doing the best that I had, that I could do with the information that I had at the time. And this is what we're going to do to move forward and protect ourselves. And these are the, The things and the dedications, like, these are the things I'm going to try to believe about myself in the future, and I'm going to try to make these commitments to do better by myself in these ways. And that's really beautiful. Writing a letter of forgiveness to the the person. I think it's even it's for me when we don't forgive them, it's usually we're holding on to so much anger, and it's that anger that we're really trying to release. It doesn't mean that you forgave this man. I don't think you'll ever want to see him ever be caught in your life.

Leanne Torres 00:34:11  Don't even be around my energy now. Like you can even be in my space.

Jamie Vollmoeller 00:34:16  It's not for me. Yeah, but, you know, it doesn't mean that you're like, oh, I forgive him. Or, like, for whoever did it, because there are plenty of people that have survived abuse or assault situations, and it's like family members, right, that they, you know, it's it's people that they're very, very close to. It does not mean that you then because you forgave them, you have to have any sort of relationship with them. It's really releasing yourself from their power to continue to put you in that state of fear, of anger. It's that anger to me. When I was angry at people in my life, it was a way that they it felt like they still had control. You know, they were still running the show even though they weren't there.

Leanne Torres 00:35:04  Yeah, absolutely. It's like they were the puppeteer and you're the puppet just still doing whatever it is that they want. Absolutely. Yeah. Yeah.

Jamie Vollmoeller 00:35:13  And I think, I think when we, you know, for, for me, that's what we mean when we say forgive the person that hurt.

Jamie Vollmoeller 00:35:20  It's, it's letting go of letting go of it. And like, like I am no longer giving my energy to this thing that had dominated my life for so long and continue to occupy so much of my head space. Because even when we're out of these situations, we ruminate, we predict the future, be somewhat like it's its. All of these things keep coming up and up and up, and the only way to let that go is to just be like, all right, I know I'm safe now. I'm gonna let go of this anger so that he doesn't have control over me anymore. Yes.

Leanne Torres 00:35:54  And I think when, like you do, write that letter of forgiveness specifically to yourself, when you see physically the shit that you're saying to yourself, that's really like a oh, shit, reality check for me. Like when I read what I was thinking about myself, I was like, damn, this is really fucking ugly. No wonder I was feeling like shit about myself. No wonder I was in this type of situation.

Leanne Torres 00:36:19  Because look at how I'm talking about myself. Look at how I think about myself. And when you have again, like we talked about before, that awareness, that's really when the work can start happening. But you gotta like you gotta sit in your shit. You guys, I hate to break it to you. I mean, Jamie, I know you. You can speak on this because you're a professional, but, like, if you really want to heal your shit, heal your wounds, you gotta just live in it for a moment and accept it for what it is. You can't just keep burying it under the rug or like, drink it away or fuck it away or whatever it is, like you've got to deal with it in order to start moving through it. That's how you heal.

Jamie Vollmoeller 00:37:05  Yeah. Well, and I think it's so because you're in your healing journey, you've had to sit with it. And I'm sure you did not want to sit with it. Right? No. Like hell no.

Jamie Vollmoeller 00:37:14  Right. I feel bad. So it's like I, I really I had my own trauma, and I've been in therapy for a long time, and there are times where I will, like, literally be like, I don't want to go therapy today. I don't want to deal with this like, you know, and I know my clients get that way too. And we do heavy stuff because it's so emotionally taxing. But it's like we stay in these patterns because we're not acknowledging, right? We're ignoring, we're pushing down. We're not letting ourselves, like, be in our body. It's like, for me, that was a really big thing because my whole life I've been on high alert. So my body is always like chronic stress mode, feel like I'm vibrating high alert. So being in my body, not how I coped as a kid. I coped by like being in sports, playing outside like I was always busy, right? And even as like in my early 20s, I was in college, I was working, I was, you know, I was still always busy.

Jamie Vollmoeller 00:38:10  Yeah. And I got a career and I were still working like 2 or 3 jobs, always busy like. And it was, it was really I became that's how I coped with my trauma. I was like, oh, I don't need to focus on me. I'm just too busy to focus. Like I'm too busy and successful to focus on any of my own crap, right? Like we just got some excuses too. But it's like, I, I, I kept being in these patterns and I'm like, bro, you're a therapist. Like, how do you keep doing? And I'm like, literally, I had to be like, oh, okay. Yeah, you need to you need to do what you're telling your clients to do and like sit in your stuff and do this deeper work. And it really is uncomfortable, especially when you first start sitting with that, that That body discomfort, at least for me, like my chest will get. When I remember these things, my chest gets tight, my throat starts to close when it's really bad, like I'm a crying my eyes out and I don't like to cry because I feel weak when I cry, even though it's.

Jamie Vollmoeller 00:39:06  It's not a weak thing to cry. Sometimes we just need to cry. I actually had a colleague tell me she's like, I feel like right now you just need, like a once a week cry check in where you just call me and cry and release all your emotions because you put them in boxes all the time. But when we release it, we can move forward because. And then when we were, when we when we are aware of of that and we're not ignoring those voices anymore, then they can start alerting us to these things before they become major crises. Yes. Right. Like because we're aware, like, oh, that like anger is coming up for me. And anger is an emotion for me that the boundaries that are in me like that usually means that someone's crossing a boundary or did something that makes us feel uncomfortable. And I would ignore that a lot because clearly I'm a I'm a New Yorker, so I get when I get angry, it's not it's not pretty. Like, my mom is like, you're a true Gemini.

Jamie Vollmoeller 00:40:05  I like you either. Like everyone either loves you or hates you, and you don't want to be on your bad side because like my my eyebrow goes up. She she warns that this is my devil horn, guys. She's like, you're like half angel, half devil. But like, if I'm backed into a corner, I'm a trauma kid. I'm gonna come for the jugular. Like it's. It's not something I'm proud of. It's going to happen. I think so I think for years, for me, like knowing that I pushed that response down. But then what started happening in my 20s was like, I kept being like, put in these situations that really didn't feel good for me. And it was like, oh, it's because you're ignoring this part of you that keeps telling you that you need to set a boundary, and then you, you feel bad and you people please. And then you blow up. so we need to work on that. Thankfully, in my 30s, I am much better at that.

Jamie Vollmoeller 00:40:55  Yes.

Leanne Torres 00:40:57  but you don't really do the work. You're doing the work. And that's commendable, because, like you said, it's not fucking easy. It's not easy. This this healing journey. I will never claim to be healed because life is always going to throw at you. But I'm able to bounce back a lot quicker than, say, three years ago if we need. If you want to talk to me three years ago, I would have been a completely different fucking conversation, right? But I just think this is a journey that we're both going to be on for the rest of our lives, and us coming together and talking about it. It's going to help someone else, because I know people are going to see themselves in our stories. So shout out to us for doing this fucking work.

Jamie Vollmoeller 00:41:38  Well. And and for me, like as a parent, Right. I think that's also why I really got into the work, because having a kid, I started seeing a lot of the stuff that was like, oh, I sound like my mom there.

Jamie Vollmoeller 00:41:51  Oh, I didn't like eating, you know, like, oh, I don't I don't want to be part of this pattern too. Right? And I think that's when I got really, really deep into it. Because when we experience trauma, especially if it's in our childhood home, but But even if it's just like, you know, even if you didn't have trauma in your childhood home, but you experience like an assault or you're in a domestic violence situation or you went off to work, it affects our nervous system. If we have PTSD, we are not going to respond like the sane sound. Humans that are logical are operating our logical brains because we're in flight or flight. So if we're not doing that work, what really terrified me is like, I don't want my kids to grow up like this. I don't want them to ever feel how I did. And not that we can always prevent that either, guys. We can't. But what you said before, Leanne, is important. It's that for me, that healing.

Jamie Vollmoeller 00:42:46  It's not that I'm ever healed, right? I'm always doing work. I'm always trying to get better. And I think that's just the human condition, right? There's always stuff we can improve in. And if you don't think there is, maybe you need a better therapist. But, yeah, that's just my opinion. I mean, it's just narcissistic to me. Like, everyone has a has weak spots and shortcomings, but, if we can do that work and we can break those patterns so that our kids don't have as strong of a response as us. Like that's doing better. And that's awesome. And if we can do that work and not continue that that pattern for ourselves, that's it's just it's it's to me, it's what it's all about, like. Absolutely. I never want my babies to go through what I went through. And I'm like, learn from all of my stuff, right? Which is why you're doing it. It's like I, especially my children, but the general public is all my people learn from my mistakes.

Jamie Vollmoeller 00:43:45  Stop hating yourself. Stop calling yourself names. You were awesome just the way you are.

Leanne Torres 00:43:51  Then, especially for me.

Jamie Vollmoeller 00:43:52  Find your tribe.

Leanne Torres 00:43:53  Yes, because I have a daughter, right? Like it's just me and her. She's turning 15 next month, actually. And you know, the crushes are starting and I know the relationships are going to come. And I'm just like, God, I wish I could just, like, lock her in a fucking closet for the rest of her life because I don't want her to go through the shit that I went through. But I'm so open and honest with her like she knows everything. Like I said before, she was not around when I was in that relationship, and when I came back home because she was staying with my grandparents, when I was living with her grandparents, when I was living in Florida, I told her everything, like literally, she knew about every single thing that happened to me. We went to therapy together. You know, we are building our relationship because at the end of the day, it's just me and her, and I really want her to have that trust within me that, God forbid, if she ever finds herself in any type of bad situation.

Leanne Torres 00:44:52  She has the mentality of I need to call my mom right now so she can help me, as opposed to I'm fucking terrified to call or to tell my mom what's going on. So let me figure this shit out on my own. And that's not what I had growing up. Even though my my relationship with my parents growing up was beautiful, I didn't grow up in chaos. I didn't grow up in trauma, but I did not feel emotionally safe to talk to them about heavy shit. And I snuck around a lot.

Jamie Vollmoeller 00:45:23  What what what? Where are your parents from?

Leanne Torres 00:45:26  Rico. So old school Puerto Rican from the islands came to the mainland for the American dream. You know.

Jamie Vollmoeller 00:45:35  Very strict.

Leanne Torres 00:45:35  Very strict, very.

Jamie Vollmoeller 00:45:37  Virgin to be seen and not heard. You got that too? Yes, that's what I was. I'm Italian. That's what I was raised with. Children should be seeing, not heard. We don't talk, you know.

Leanne Torres 00:45:46  We don't talk about our emotions. What the fuck is trauma? That that's not something that I talked about growing up.

Jamie Vollmoeller 00:45:52  Oh, well, I feel like the the mental health piece, especially in like, Latino culture, is like way more like downplayed. it's it's definitely like, you know, the Italians downplay it too. But I feel like in that Latino culture, it is very much like that's your own shit, and especially if you're a second gen. Oh, right. Like if you're a, if, if your parents are first generation immigrants I have worked with so many people are like, yeah, no, my parents are like, I like slept in the desert and crawled over things and went through.

Leanne Torres 00:46:22  All of this trauma.

Jamie Vollmoeller 00:46:23  How could you say that? Your life is traumatic and and their, you know, their kids will say like, I'm being bullied at school or this is happening and they're like, try to go to their parents to talk to their parents about, like these things that are stressing them out. And their parents are like.

Leanne Torres 00:46:36  What do you have.

Jamie Vollmoeller 00:46:37  A reason to be depressed or anxious about? Your life is so wonderful because in their minds, they're like, I came from this hellhole and I brought you to this.

Leanne Torres 00:46:45  Country where at.

Jamie Vollmoeller 00:46:46  Least you got a.

Leanne Torres 00:46:47  Shot, kid. Why aren't you? Appreciate it. Exactly.

Jamie Vollmoeller 00:46:49  But as a child, it just feels like. Okay, so I'm just supposed to pretend that everything.

Leanne Torres 00:46:53  Is fine all the time, and then we turn into people pleasers as we get older? Yeah, no, I get it.

Jamie Vollmoeller 00:47:00  It's amazing how that works.

Leanne Torres 00:47:01  Crazy, right? And then you, you know, you just gotta pray it away that that's another narrative. Like, you just got to go to church and talk to God and pray it away. And therapies for crazy people like, no, come on, let's let's change the narrative. So like, you know, my whole point of bringing that up is that I am breaking that cycle with my relationship with my daughter, that I want her to come to me and talk to me about the good, the bad, the ugly, and if and when she falls, she knows that I'm going to be there to pick her up.

Leanne Torres 00:47:29  So that's what I'm proud of.

Jamie Vollmoeller 00:47:32  That is something really like that you should be proud of, right? Like, I feel like our purpose here on this earth is to to make the next, the next generation better than ours, right? Like, at least for me, that's my goal. I want to leave the earth better than I walked into it. and especially with our own kids. Like, that's that's where you're gonna make the most greatest change. What if she grows up and is, like, the next president wins a Nobel Peace Prize or. Yeah, you know, like, ends and something horrible that's happening.

Leanne Torres 00:48:02  Yes.

Jamie Vollmoeller 00:48:02  Because her mother believed in her. And I think, you know, doing this work for ourselves, even if it's just for ourselves and our families, right. Even though it's really challenging and it doesn't mean it doesn't come with loss, because it also comes with the loss, because you're realizing all the people in your life who were toxic and not helpful to you.

Jamie Vollmoeller 00:48:22  and that's not always family. Sometimes it's friends, sometimes it's workplaces, sometimes it's it's.

Leanne Torres 00:48:26  The man that you sleeping with.

Jamie Vollmoeller 00:48:28  Is the man Yeah. It can be a lot of different, but, but when you start doing the work, you know, and you start setting those boundaries, sometimes, you know, people that you thought would be accepting are, are not. Yes. And that that can be very difficult to. But I really want to Leanne, I know you run like these support groups and you support women of domestic violence. Correct. So can you speak to our listeners about, you know, those groups and like what you offer? and really the purpose of building that community for you, because I think it could be a good resource for anyone who's listening right now.

Leanne Torres 00:49:04  So I haven't done specifically like groups for people to come together, but that's definitely something that I'm envisioning to happen in the future. So thank you for putting that out there, because that means I got to make that happen.

Leanne Torres 00:49:17  But yes, manifesting all of the abundance. But you know, I just I'm so proud of my podcast because it is a support system for people to just listen to other people's stories of what they've gone through and how they've been able to turn it around. I mean, I've had so many different people come on, not just DV survivors, but just survivors of so many different types of trauma and abuse and just hearing of the ugliness that they've gone through and how they've been able to turn into something so beautiful like that, is that is the purpose. That is the why. And that's why it's called Watch Us Thrive. Right? I didn't name it watch Me thrive. I didn't name it. Watch Leanne thrive Like know. Watch us thrive. Because we all got shit. We all have things that we're healing from. We all have traumas. We all have these things that we're trying to grow from. And I think when we come together as a collective and sit down and have these types of conversations, it just helps us not feel so alone in the dark moments that we're all going to deal with.

Leanne Torres 00:50:28  So that's what I'm committed to continuing showing up for my community. You know, I'm I'm just so proud of what I've been able to build from the scariest thing that I've ever gone through. And I made the decision to be like, fuck that. I'm going to change my narrative. So you know what I always say? I'm trying to change the world one conversation at a time. So we're doing it.

Jamie Vollmoeller 00:50:52  But but I think it's really it's really important to do that because so many people in these situations truly feel like they're the only person in the situation. And even just hearing someone else's story, especially with the nature of domestic violence. Right. Because it doesn't start out that the man is punching you in the face every day like no one, no one would sign up for that, right? It starts out with the He's Prince Charming, and he makes you feel super special. And and you're the center of the universe. And it's usually those of us who never felt important to anyone before. So this person makes you feel like you are the most important, precious thing on earth, and then they start to abuse you and then you're like, it's confusing, it's confusing.

Jamie Vollmoeller 00:51:34  And I think listening to stories is a really good way to help recognize ourselves in them. Like, I think that storytelling is a really good way to just for people to be able to see themselves and wake up before they get to. Yes, before the train has that destination. Absolutely. it's so, so, so important.

Leanne Torres 00:51:54  I wish I had my podcast when I was in that relationship. Oh, yeah.

Jamie Vollmoeller 00:52:01  Do you, do you, Well, he's still in prison. Yeah. He's actually, I was gonna say.

Leanne Torres 00:52:05  He's getting out in a couple of months, like, less than 90 days.

Jamie Vollmoeller 00:52:10  Okay. Yeah. How are you feeling about that, bro?

Leanne Torres 00:52:14  In the beginning, when I first found out, it was like, oh, fuck. Like, what if he's gonna track me down and find me and try to finish what he started? Like, those are the thoughts that I did have. But I went back to therapy and I talked it out. And, you know, now I'm in a much better space that like, he has no power control over me anymore.

Leanne Torres 00:52:38  Like, unfortunately, I know he's going to find the next victim and he's going to do it again. But that is not my story anymore. Like, I'm able to finally close this chapter of my life and move on and continue to focus healing on me, loving myself so much that I don't attract the same type of person that I used to before. You know, but there's been days that, like, my PTSD gets to me and I can't get out of bed. And then there's other moments that I feel like the baddest bitch in the world. And that's normal. That's okay. That's.

Jamie Vollmoeller 00:53:15  That's just what it is.

Leanne Torres 00:53:16  Ladies and gentlemen, you know, there's highs and lows, there's ebbs and flows. But, you know, I'm focusing on me. And I think that's that's what's helping me continue on this journey. Like I'm just pouring so much into my cup that was left empty for so long. And I'm loving the relationship that I'm building with myself. So we're doing good. Today's a good day.

Jamie Vollmoeller 00:53:39  Yes, I have one more question for you before you go. Okay. So I always ask everyone what does being good enough mean to you, man?

Leanne Torres 00:53:52  Oh, man. Being good enough means to me that what I'm doing today, whether it's showing up at 1,000% or showing up at 1%, like that's good enough. Like it's okay if I don't feel like, you know, posting a thousand times on my social media or putting out a podcast episode and like, just taking a day for myself, that's perfectly fine. Like, this is my journey and I'm just committed to doing whatever feels good for me. And at the end of the day, I don't give a fuck what anybody else got to say or think like I used to be that type of person who would care about outside opinions and judgments and all that I've been able to build like this. I don't give a fuck attitude anymore and I just love that about myself. So I mean, just doing whatever the fuck I want, how I want, when I want that, that's good enough for me.

Jamie Vollmoeller 00:54:50  I think that is important, though, because all of us people pleasers in recovery. that's what we've always struggled with, is like, if I don't give 100% and I'm not perfect all the time, then I'm not good enough. And I think it's just that, like you said, whether I gave 100% or 1%, if 1% is all that I had left to my battery pack that day, then that was good enough for that day. Period. yeah. Period. I love that because there are there are times that and I think there's a relation between our productivity and our work, especially for those of us people pleasers in the world. But there are these that are, you know, especially if you have PTSD, if you have a flare up, there are days that are going to be harder. Absolutely. And instead, and what I've learned in my journey is like, if I try to make my brain work on the days that my brain is like, feels like scrambled eggs, Yes. It's it's.

Jamie Vollmoeller 00:55:42  It's going to take me like, six times as long to.

Leanne Torres 00:55:44  Do the math. So.

Jamie Vollmoeller 00:55:45  So I might as well just like, be like, okay, brain needs rest. My body needs rest today. I'm going to let myself have a chill day. We're going to take a mental health day. And tomorrow hopefully I wake up and I'm in a better mental headspace. And nine times out of ten you are, I usually am because I let my body rest right. I didn't keep adding that stress on and I think that's what happens to us. Our brains just get so overwhelmed and we go into the burnout mode because we do doo doo doo doo doo doo. And then we when we feel that need to rest, we beat on ourselves. So I love that whether you gave 1% or 100%, you are good or not good enough. Leanne, the your podcast is called again.

Leanne Torres 00:56:29  Watch us thrive.

Jamie Vollmoeller 00:56:32  Watch us thrive. And where can they find you, girl?

Leanne Torres 00:56:35  Everywhere. You can listen on Apple, Spotify.

Leanne Torres 00:56:38  I'm also on YouTube, so if you're a visual person and you want to watch the episodes under the same handle, watch us thrive and new episodes premiere every Tuesday. And sometimes I do bonus episodes if I'm feeling spicy on Fridays. But yeah, every Tuesday there's a brand new episode.

Jamie Vollmoeller 00:56:57  But our bonus episodes just here are bonus episodes. Are you? Yes. Oh, so it's like, bonus episodes is like, Leanne has some TV on today.

Leanne Torres 00:57:06  So, like, when the whole Cassie and Diddy situation happened, I was, I was on a thousand and I had to record a whole solo episode just talking about that. But yeah, every Tuesday.

Speaker 3 00:57:19  But I don't have to go back and listen. Oh girl. Because I feel like I was so viable.

Leanne Torres 00:57:25  That shit was a mess. I had a lot to say.

Speaker 3 00:57:28  Oh my gosh.

Jamie Vollmoeller 00:57:30  Well, liane, it's been wonderful having you on. Thank you for coming on today. And to our listeners, I want to remind you guys that you are good enough.

Jamie Vollmoeller 00:57:38  See you next time.