Nicola F. - Self-Worth & Empowering Moms

This week, Chelsea and Nicola delve into the complexities of motherhood, mental health, and the importance of women's health education. Nicola discusses her experiences with pregnancy, anxiety, and postpartum recovery, highlighting the importance of open conversations about these issues. The conversation emphasizes how health affects identity and self-worth, and stresses the importance of empowering women to manage their health and well-being.

To learn more about Nicola, check out her podcast or head over to her website!

Takeaways

• Health is at the core of living a happy life.
• Postpartum challenges are often unspoken and misunderstood.
• Mental health struggles can persist long after childbirth.
• Women need to be educated about their bodies and health.
• Incontinence is a common issue that many women face but rarely discuss.
• Support systems are crucial during the transition to motherhood.
• The stigma around pelvic floor health needs to be addressed.
• Empowerment comes from understanding and taking control of one's health.
• Self-worth is often tied to societal expectations and personal experiences.
• Open conversations about health can help break the cycle of shame.

Sound Bites

• "It's not normal. It's common."
• "We have to know the value of our health."
• "It's all about living life now."

Transcript

Chelsea (00:01)
Welcome to Quiet Connection, a podcast dedicated to ending the stigma around postpartum mental health. I'm Chelsea. This week, Nicola, founder of Life Now Coaching, shares her journey to becoming a mother and the physical and mental challenges she faced. Nicola had a difficult labor and experienced trauma to her bladder and pelvic floor, which had a significant impact on her daily life, confidence, and mental health.

Nicola uses her experience to empower women to prioritize their health and live fulfilling lives. Let's hear Nicola's story.

Chelsea (00:41)
Hello! Today I'm here with Nicola. Nicola, how are you?

Nicola (00:47)
I'm really well, thanks Chelsea.

Chelsea (00:49)
Thank you! We have another guest from across the pond, which I'm very excited about. I'm so, so, so excited that we're reaching moms and birthing people all over the world. So it's good afternoon to you. It's early morning for me still, but I'm going to do my best to be perky and peppy for you.

Nicola (01:11)
Well

you seem to be so you're doing a very good job.

Chelsea (01:14)
That's

good because I'm working on just electrolyte water. So here we go. Nicola I would love it if you could sort of introduce yourself and also let my listeners know who you were before becoming a parent.

Nicola (01:33)
that's a lovely question. Yeah, so I'm Nicola Farndale. I'm the founder of Life Now Coaching. I live in the UK, as you can hear from the accent. And I set my business up three years ago to unwrap what healthy living really means, because I want women to understand why your health is so important. For me, know, health is at the core of everything when it comes to living a happy life. And certainly as a mother and a parent, I just think it's so...

so important that we strip back how we live our life and what our habits are to really help our kids to understand the importance of taking care of yourself but also to know what brings happiness because we're in this fast -paced, very materialistic, digital -led world and I think, you know, we're seeing lots of health problems from obesity to type 2 diabetes to...

ADHD and other neurodivergences and you know, our kids are vulnerable. They need us as their mothers to help guide them. And so I really believe if we as women can improve how we take care of ourselves and really reframe what health is about, then we're going to shift that with our kids. And I do that because of my health story, which we're going to dive into today because a big part of

My backstory is linked to my journey to pregnancy and then having my daughter. I have a 16 year old daughter who yesterday just picked up her exam results in the UK because they leave school at 16 here. So she's off to college, here's different to your college. We have college until 18 and then university. So yeah, I've been a mum for 16 years and before that...

Chelsea (03:07)
my gosh.

Nicola (03:20)
I wouldn't really put a label on who I was because I've always struggled with my identity and self -worth and that's been a big part of the journey I've been on and over the past few years, the self -growth and evolution journey, guess, into really stepping into the woman that I am and all that I am as that woman, including being a mother. So I think before I had my daughter, Lois,

I was just a person trying to exist. I'm really honest, I've really struggled since I was 19 years old with anxiety and panic disorder. And a lot of my life was spent in survival mode. And so yeah, I just struggled to get by trying to live a life that I thought would bring happiness. And a lot of that was not bringing happiness, you know, because I was being very hard on myself and very unaccepting of who I was.

Chelsea (04:16)
Yeah. Yeah. I think that's, I think that's a common thread for a lot of us. especially, especially pre -kids, kids will, kids will really, throw a wrench in your, in your whole self discovery thing and, and take you down a path you may not have anticipated. So.

Nicola (04:19)
Mmm.

Chelsea (04:34)
Talk to me a little bit about that, where your journey to becoming a mother, was that something that you had always envisioned for yourself? Or just take me through that process.

Nicola (04:48)
think I always expected to have children. I wouldn't say I was someone who really looked forward to it as in, know, dreamt about this day when I'd have kids and have a family like many women do. You know, it's a desire that they have often from being quite young. I knew it would be part of my future. But because of the anxiety and panic that I struggled with, I was very, very nervous about getting pregnant. And

you know wasn't with somebody when I was particularly young I wasn't in serious relationships where that was on the cards initially but it was still a worry and so it just wasn't something that I guess was at the forefront of my plan and then when I was in a serious relationship and it became apparent we wanted to have this future together and build a family with children it was really daunting for me because I worried whether I'd to use like

quite an awful term, but this is the sort of language I use, whether I would freak out being pregnant because a lot of my anxiety was linked to health. had this fear of dying and I just really worried about not being able to cope being pregnant. I did a bit of counselling and some work to help me before I decided to go ahead and try to get pregnant because of those worries that I had. yeah, was in the plan, you know, on the...

I guess on the life dream at some stage, but it wasn't that I was really, really, you know, looking forward to the point when that happened. But then when I did decide to get pregnant, I found that actually very empowering that I think I'd made that decision and knew this is right. It's now, you know, the time to try to make this happen. And I fell pregnant within a few months of trying.

and sadly I lost that first pregnancy at just over 11 weeks. Something didn't feel quite right from the beginning and I don't honestly know whether it was a gut feeling or whether it was that I was just anxious about having fallen pregnant and I do now because of what I know and understand and doing my work believe that whole mind body connection piece had something to do with losing that pregnancy. I had a very difficult miscarriage.

It was quite traumatic. I was admitted to hospital. I had a blood transfusion. They told me to wait six months and honestly I was distraught. I couldn't bear the thought of waiting six months to become pregnant or try to get pregnant again. So, you know, I waited a few months. I had some complications after the miscarriage. So I had to some things checked. And then when they have kind of given the green light, there was nothing wrong. thought, okay, I'm just going to fast track this, try and start again after.

after I think about four months and I did fall pregnant I think a couple of months after that and had a full term pregnancy and then my daughter. So yeah, was an intentional choice to have a baby at that point in my life. You know, I was 32 or 31 when I'd fallen pregnant. So I felt like it was quite a good stage of my life to have a baby. yeah, was the pregnancy itself was

very different than what I expected. I did really love that feeling of, like say that, that power that it gave you as a woman to be creating this other human inside of you and growing this human. And that was, I think, one of the first times since I'd been 19 and started to experience anxiety and panic that I felt I was in my own body. You know, I really felt in control and

I had every typical pregnancy symptom. I had the book. I can't remember what the book's called. It's quite a famous, very chunky thick book, you know, about the whole what to expect when you're expe... Yeah, that one! And I would keep that by the bed. literally it was like, yeah, the bleeding gums. Yes, the vivid dreams. Yes, the pain. I had the whole hand -wrist thing really early on, I think between maybe about nine to 12 weeks.

Chelsea (08:42)
you

like what to expect? Yeah.

Nicola (09:06)
I could barely lift anything up. It was like I suddenly got rheumatoid arthritis in both hands or, you know, just the leg cramps, everything came as textbook. And yeah, you know, I did really enjoy being pregnant in lots of ways. was, I found it hard further into the pregnancy. I had some back and hip problems, a lot of pelvis pain, which limited a lot the last few weeks. But overall, I just thought it was the most incredible.

experience to feel the baby moving and know that you were nurturing this baby inside of you.

Chelsea (09:43)
yeah, that's such a, mean, I'm sure it came with a lot of mixed emotions too after experiencing your loss and then to get pregnant.

So you talked about struggling with anxiety and stuff prior to that. Was there any part of you that sort of experienced any sort of anxiety going into this full term pregnancy? Or were you just really living in that power?

Nicola (10:09)
No, there was definitely anxiety there. think once I'd crossed the 12 week threshold, I was much calmer and felt, yeah, this is it, this time, this is going to work. But I did feel more certain about it at the beginning. I had tried to, I guess, coach myself in a way, the way I knew how back then, to not over worry, to not over think and to try to appreciate that.

those thoughts and feelings I had could contribute to the development of a pregnancy when it happened. So yeah, I didn't feel that great rush of power initially, but I did feel more certain and convinced that this is right this time. But during the pregnancy, I did have some moments of anxiety, not over the pregnancy itself. Like I said, that empowerment was really strong as in, know, I'm doing this and...

The thing that also frightened me was the thought of the labour itself, which I think frightens lots of us, doesn't it? Whether you have anxiety before pregnancy or not. But there was this whole, I don't just mindset of I'm going to do this because I want this and I can do this, but I did have some anxiety more just related to my own confidence in work situations. That really scared me because I remember vividly being in a meeting room.

Chelsea (11:11)
Yeah.

Nicola (11:36)
with some other women, people I knew quite well in the workplace and being in a, back then it wasn't a video call, it was a teleconference thing and being asked to speak. And as I'd started to speak, I just had that whole adrenaline rush of nerves, you know, going into the fight or flight stage. And my heart was beating so hard and fast, I could barely breathe. And I had to stop speaking and I used the pregnancy as an excuse for what was going on. And people were quite...

Chelsea (11:46)
Yeah.

Nicola (12:05)
worried and afterwards checking if I was okay and so, but I gave myself such a fright because I didn't want anything to happen to the baby. But you know, that anxiety was still there. hadn't fixed it or dealt with it really, but the pregnancy had given this positive set of thoughts and feelings to help overcome it as much as I could, but it was still bubbling there underneath. But in terms of the pregnancy, I did feel like really,

So just really empowered by the whole process of it.

Chelsea (12:39)
So what was I know you said you said having some anxiety about labor and whatnot and we definitely we have all been there. Did you have any sort of birth plan going into this? Yeah.

Nicola (12:54)
Yeah, a big thing for me was staying in control because what made me nervous was that if I was given an epidural and I was out of control and I became anxious that I wouldn't be able to manage the anxiety by, you know, potentially moving around like, or just move my body or doing what I felt I needed to, to suppress the anxiety or, you know, pass through it. So I was really...

certain that I didn't want an epidural. I really didn't want a C -section. That was something I was very nervous about, both for the thing itself, but also the recovery afterwards. We were actually in the middle of a house renovation and I knew I needed to be able to drive after I had the baby. So, you know, there was a bit of added pressure there, but yeah, I just made a very simple plan in terms of, you know, just being in a normal room in the hospital. The UK is quite different to the US. I don't think.

Chelsea (13:34)
Ugh.

you

Nicola (13:49)
Don't think we're as kind of inclusive even today when it comes to the whole pregnancy, labour delivery thing. I think it's very transactional and medical approach still. So it was just, you know, I'm going to be in the hospital. I'll have my partner and then my mom there and deliver the baby with as little pain relief. You know, I'll have gas and air and some pain relief, but avoiding an epidural and at all costs, avoiding a cesarean. Yeah.

Chelsea (14:17)
Yeah, I always find it so interesting. This is completely like it's not off topic off topic, but sidetracked.

we don't do the gas and air thing here. So yeah, I mean, at least that's not anything that I've heard of. If it happens, I have not heard of it. And I've always been so fascinated about it because I, I mean, I'm obsessed with British culture anyway. I don't know why, but like I watch call the midwife or I watch like your, your like A &E shows and things like that. And I'm seeing the moms with the gas and air and I'm like, what does that, what does that actually

Nicola (14:28)
Really?

Mmm.

Chelsea (14:55)
I really do.

Nicola (14:56)
Well,

I'll tell you what it does. It makes you throw up. Like, so, was awful. And in fact, like, so that birth plan was completely irrelevant, really. And it was actually, yeah, it was, it was not right for me, I think. And yeah, it's not explained to you. I don't know if it's any better today, obviously.

Chelsea (15:00)
no.

Yeah, that was gonna be my next question.

Nicola (15:25)
daughter 16 but when I was going through this process with the midwives and so on it like I it was just all very kind of medical in its well you start at the lower level with gas and air if you want any pain relief and then it's the next stage and then it's this stage and then it's an epidural and that was it and so it didn't feel like there was much to actually incorporate into a plan like there wasn't much choice but I went over my due date and had a sweep to check

what was going on and to rupture those membranes. And the midwife did that in my home. And at that point, I think I was eight or nine days overdue. And she said, have you had any back pain or anything, you know, apart from the back pain I was in, any other pain, no, and I didn't have any Braxton Hicks contractions that I'm aware of at all. And she said, you're about three centimeters dilated already. So the baby's definitely gonna come.

probably sometime today or overnight, but you will be in labour sometime in the next 12 hours. So within a few hours of that, the contractions did start quite intensely. And so I knew I was already dilating and would be quite far into that journey. So after an hour or two, we went to hospital and said, yeah, I'll have the gas and air. Now I'm someone that growing up never, even today actually, never gets sickness bugs. I've never been a sickly person.

but I had one intake of that gas and air and then that was it. I was just vomiting into one of those cardboard bowls. And it's the most weird thing in that it gives you this kind of almost giddy, like laughing gas, you know, like it's a little bit, I'm woozy, I'm lightheaded, you know.

Chelsea (17:11)
Yeah!

Nicola (17:15)
I guess maybe if you use recreational drugs that's very first. I would liken it maybe because I don't but to a glass of wine. You and you just get that nice after a couple of sips like, but it's a bit more intense but that kind of feeling. But then there was just this sick feeling but you need it because well, if you don't have it then you've got no choice, have you? But because it's there and I'd started it every time a contraction was coming I'd feel, I need that gas in there, you know, but then it was sick.

Chelsea (17:24)
Yeah.

Nicola (17:44)
sick and your mouth goes really really dry from it realised as I used it more it just didn't feel good it's got this I want to say like dirty feeling to it there's just something not nice lots of women love it but for me wanting to stay only using gas and air just wasn't the right choice because I actually didn't like it but because I'd made that plan and that was what was on there

Chelsea (17:45)
Yeah.

Yeah.

Nicola (18:09)
I kind of went with it probably for too long into the labour.

Chelsea (18:13)
Hmm. So how? It feels like such a ridiculous question. But like, how did you progress from there? You're like, you're in active labor and you're just, you're just vomiting and I'm so sorry.

Nicola (18:23)
Mmm.

Yeah. And it was, and it

was literally, I know this is disgusting, but it was just water. It was, I took a big, big iced bottle of water, prepped it, you know, in the freezer for ready to take into the hospital. So I was drinking this water and I remember my mom said, you need to stop drinking that water Nicola. And I said, but I've got to because I'm so, so dry, like unbelievably dry. So it was just bringing that water back up after every, every,

Chelsea (18:50)
Yeah.

Nicola (18:52)
inhale of the gas and air after the contraction had finished. So I remember being in the, getting moved from the admissions area into the delivery room and I would say it was probably maybe three or four hours and I think I was still maybe about five, six centimetres dilated and the midwife checking and saying, I know you didn't want anything else but do you think maybe you need this next stage of pain relief? Which I can't remember what it was.

now but I remember having this clarity of thought and thinking hang on you don't get any medal here for being a hero and not taking drugs and pain relief let's have the pain relief so it's like yeah let's have the pain relief and that was the next mistake because that was just awful I felt I did feel like I was really then drugged up and that wasn't what I wanted as I said I wanted to feel in control and I really just didn't like

Chelsea (19:33)
Yeah.

Nicola (19:51)
the way it made me feel and honestly the pain wasn't any easier to manage. I had a really difficult labor and it did progress because I dilated up to nine centimeters. My waters hadn't broken. I was stuck at nine centimeters for quite a few hours. This was like way into the early hours of the next morning and I was just exhausted from lack of sleep. And you know, they made a decision that talked about cesarean but because I'd

really didn't want the cesarean. They said, okay, what we're to have to do is give you an epidural and we're going to have to give you something else to try and intensify the contractions and the labour to get you to 10 centimetres to deliver the baby because we don't obviously want the baby to be in distress. And so, you know, I had to accept that I needed to have the epidural. So I was given an epidural and up until that point I'd been managing to move around a bit.

I'd put on quite a bit of weight when I was pregnant and I had the back pain so it wasn't easy. You know, wasn't the most, like some women are just, they're able to stand, they can bend, they're like, I'm going to deliver this on all fours. No, that wasn't me. But I could at least move around and bounce on the ball a little bit and try and, you know, feel like, yeah, this is okay. So I had the epidural with Jule and then of course was bedridden. But I could still feel the contractions and...

Chelsea (20:54)
Yeah.

Yeah, no. No, that wasn't me either.

Nicola (21:15)
After, I think it was at least another couple of hours later, they'd kept checking on me. They had something attached to the baby's heartbeat to monitor that and said, you you're at 10, we can try and get you to push, in fact, actually at that point, they realized that the baby was back to front. So she was the wrong way around. So she was head down, but she wasn't facing the right way. So.

Chelsea (21:36)
Mm

Nicola (21:40)
They said, you you're not going to get this baby out on your own. You're to have to deliver in theatre and we're going to start with forceps, but then we might have to give you a C -section. And so as they were preparing all of the paperwork and to take me down, said, so what do I have next then to manage the delivery? And they said, what do you mean? I said, well, surely you're going to give me something. And they said, you've had the epidural, however long ago. And I said, but I can feel every contraction.

Chelsea (21:49)
Mm.

Nicola (22:09)
And the midwife who had been sitting with me in the room said, she's right. She said, she keeps falling asleep. But every time I say on the monitor, the contractions coming, she's screaming in pain and writhing, you know, so she can feel it. So then I ended up with a full spinal block and couldn't feel anything from, you know, shoulders down. And that I gave birth at six 30 in the morning and that didn't wear off until quite late in the afternoon. So the plan was just like out of the window and

Chelsea (22:24)
Ugh.

Totally out the window,

Nicola (22:38)
Yeah,

Chelsea (22:38)
yeah.

Nicola (22:38)
and I ended up, you know, I avoided the Caesarian, but unfortunately I had a Keelan's delivery. I don't know if you call it that in the US, where it wasn't just forceps to pull the baby out, they used the forceps to turn the baby the right way around and then she slipped back. And so they said, this is the last time we're going to try again to turn. And if she doesn't, we are going to give you a C -section.

Chelsea (22:54)
Mmm.

Nicola (23:06)
because we just can't get the baby out the way that she is. Or we didn't know it was a girl at that point. And they were telling me to push, to bear down, and I just couldn't feel a thing. I just, that's one thing because I've only got one child that I'm quite saddened about that I didn't get to experience that feeling, that sensation of needing, know, when women say, was ready to push. I never experienced that even before the epidural when they had been trying to get me to push.

Chelsea (23:31)
Yeah.

Nicola (23:36)
And so, you know, I just had to grit and try to do what I thought was pushing to help them get this baby out. And, you know, she did come out on the next turn, but then I was left with quite a lot of trauma to my bladder and pelvic floor, which have changed my life and health down there forever,

Chelsea (23:42)
Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, you had mentioned that, that there was definitely a physical impact. Do you want to talk about that a little bit, about the aftermath of that birth?

Nicola (24:03)
Mmm.

Yeah, because I think it's really important to share Chelsea because I know you've probably touched on this in other conversations or maybe in slightly different ways with other guests, but nobody had ever explained to me and to all of the other new moms that I got to know after I had my daughter that the after bit could be so difficult. It was just this painted picture of.

Chelsea (24:31)
Yeah.

Nicola (24:34)
You have your baby and you come home and it's lovely and you feed your baby yourself and you just fall in love with this baby and then everyone's coming to visit and it's wonderful and you're glowing and you take them for walks in the prom and you know all of that stuff. Nobody said that you were going to bleed for like I don't know six to eight weeks that you could have something like this happen from a vaginal birth. You know knew that a cesarean took recovery but not the intensity of what happened to me.

Chelsea (24:47)
Yeah!

Nicola (25:02)
And, you know, I came home from hospital and felt very battered and bruised and traumatized. And within a couple of days of being at home, you know, I knew there was going to be some fluid leakage and things, but then realized basically at any point where I was opening my legs, I was wee-ing You know, I was having urine come out leaking. And it wasn't that I had an urge to pass water, but it was just happening. And so...

Chelsea (25:22)
Yeah.

Nicola (25:30)
Obviously it was put down to you've just delivered, you've got stitches. It was quite traumatic. It's going to take a few weeks. Okay, that's fine. But then this went on beyond those few weeks and it got quite difficult. that mental health piece as well as the physical health was just so difficult because I did want to enjoy being a new mother and having my baby. And I wanted to go out for walks and I wanted to carry her about and I wanted to see people.

But all of this other stuff started kicking in of, you know, that you're just incontinent and it's not nice and there's a smell and it's, you know, restricting where you can go and what you want to do. So, you know, they told me I had to wait until six months post delivery to do anything at all, which was a long time. And then at that point it was, you know, okay, let's refer you to a consultant. Let's run some tests and

Chelsea (26:18)
Yeah.

Nicola (26:27)
then let's start you on a physiotherapy regime, which all of that probably went on for the first two years of being a new mother, going to the hospital, having my daughter there in a push chair at one while I'm behind the curtain, having different physio and doing it at home. And it was just such an awful thing. And I'd gone back to work after a year of maternity leave.

Chelsea (26:38)
you

Nicola (26:54)
And I had to wear pads for any kind of exercise, light exercise. I had to wear pads if I was going somewhere and didn't know there would be a toilet close by. Even just walking upstairs, I could start to leak. wasn't, you know, the star jumps, the running, that it was just anything. It really opened in my legs. And I just felt really, like it just affected my confidence. I felt not clean and it did impact.

Chelsea (27:10)
Yeah.

Nicola (27:21)
you know, my sexual desire and sex life and so on. It just was hard. And I gave up after two years. I just said, I can't keep doing this. This has been since she was born. need a break. I need to just try to, you know, live a normal life and mentally try to manage this, which I did for a couple of years because what they'd offered was an operation, which they said, if you do have this operation.

you really should have it after you've had all of the children you want to have and I wasn't sure if I wanted any more at that point. So I did end up having the operation after about five years, you know, having my daughter because I was still, you know, heavily incontinent.

Chelsea (28:06)
Yeah, I cannot imagine you were saying, like the impact that it has on your physical health is one thing, but the impact that it makes on your mental health, five years, you're not only going through the hormonal shifts and changes of becoming a parent and just having birthed a human, five years of struggling with this physical health issue.

Nicola (28:17)
Mm.

Yeah.

Chelsea (28:33)
and you said it really took a toll on your confidence, how did that sort of impact your view of yourself as a mother?

Nicola (28:41)
it was really tough because I knew people who had an easy pregnancy, an easy fast delivery, know, literally, like my sister -in was one of them. She gave birth to two girls and came home and the next day you just think she hadn't even had a baby. You know, it was just fine. And there was me. And so there was a lot of that kind of self -critic talk about

Chelsea (28:59)
Ugh.

Nicola (29:08)
Well, why was this you? And because of the anxiety struggles I had and it being linked to health and so on, it was like, well, it's you, it's your body. You know, you are broken and you've naturally then had this thing happen to you and you aren't good enough. So, you know, it really did affect me in lots of ways and at work, especially because that year when I was on maternity leave, my anxiety was, was great. You know, I,

I loved being a mother. It was the happiest I'd been since being a kid really. I just loved the freedom of being with her. There were times that I found it difficult of course, but I was a much better person. And when I went back to work, that just all became overwhelming. I was really embarrassed about how frequently I needed to go to the toilet. I was embarrassed if...

You know, we had a communal changing room at work. We had a gym in the workplace because I worked for Nike. So we had a gym, you know, and having to always go to the toilet to remove the pad before then getting changed, but then put the pad back on before the class started or the workout. then, you know, and it was just all of this noise all of the time about it. And I did feel disappointed because I felt like I hadn't...

Chelsea (30:08)
nice.

Nicola (30:26)
been able to have her and then just go with whatever happened, you know, and feel it that I had this stuff going on and then I had to go for so many appointments and it was there, it was a part of our life. So I think there was lots of different ways it affected me. And one of the things I did want to share, because I'm sure lots of women will resonate with this is that stigma attached to incontinence and, you know, even if it's not full incontinence still, you know, the leakage.

Even today, and funny enough, I was actually chatting to someone who's a pelvic floor specialist yesterday about this. We are so embarrassed to even talk to other women about it. I didn't share this with anyone because I was so embarrassed. it was only, well, it was a long time actually after I'd had the operation when I didn't tell people at work and certain people would comment saying, God, I keep leaking when I do those star jumps or, you know, younger than me. I'd say to them,

you need to look into this, you know, you're only in your thirties or even younger. And then I'd share a little bit and just say, look, I had lots of problems. I've actually had an operation, but women don't know about it. we're only taught to do kegels like when we're pregnant. And I mean, really who does them daily as often as you should when you're pregnant. And we now know like kegels don't work for everything we need for our pelvic floor afterwards. we're obviously, you know, thrusting it.

Chelsea (31:36)
Mm -mm.

Hahaha

Nicola (31:53)
caring for this newborn infant and so doing your pelvic floor exercises are way down the list and so on. But we're just not taught, not just about the risk of incontinence, but also what our pelvic floor does in our whole body. know, men as well, like it's important for all of us. And I just think there's this stigma attached to it, which doesn't need to be there because this thing is really important to long -term health, especially when we age.

Chelsea (32:08)
Yes.

It's actually, I'm not sure what it's like over in the UK, but there is becoming a little bit more awareness about pelvic floor care and maintenance, especially, or maybe I would say maybe even exclusively post -birth here in the US. So, and that's only been within the last like 10 years. And I can say that confidently because when I had my first in 2015,

Nicola (32:38)
Mmm.

Chelsea (32:48)
never even pelvic floor physical therapy. Like, what is that? Like, what do you even tell? What is my pelvic floor? What are you talking about? And then when I had my second in 2022, it was almost immediate. It was I was seeing a chiropractor and she was like, so I'd love to start working on your pelvic floor. And I'm like, OK. Yeah.

Nicola (32:53)
Yeah.

Mmm.

No, we do not

have anything. Your healthcare system's obviously very different because it's private. You pay for your care. That does not exist in the UK at all. There's no post -birth support at all unless, like you say, you've been referred because there's something wrong. But then you could be waiting a year, two years on an NHS waiting list to see someone as well.

Chelsea (33:17)
It's very different.

No.

Nicola (33:39)
So, you know, that's brilliant. And I've certainly heard a few really good guests on podcasts over the last couple of years. In fact, there was one on Mel Robbins podcast just in the past couple of weeks. She's a US specialist for pelvic floor and OBGYN. And she talks about it so amazingly in not just the sense of someone having a baby and afterwards, but

just generally about pelvic floor. yeah, definitely in the UK, it's an old woman's problem and that's why it's an embarrassing thing to discuss. It's what old women do when they can't hold their bladder anymore. And so it's, yeah, crazy.

Chelsea (34:12)
Mm.

Yeah, and

it's something that we should be thinking about when, like you said, it's something we should be thinking about in our 20s and 30s and like, and I will say, just to clarify, like, this does not come from, like, I sought out a chiropractor. I had already been seeing a chiropractor for different reasons and the chiropractor asked me,

Nicola (34:38)
Mm

Chelsea (34:46)
Would you like me to do some pelvic floor work after? And I was like, yes. So it's not, it's definitely not something that's like coming with the package. No, and, I, another big difference, I think, and you can correct me if I'm wrong completely, but

Nicola (34:54)
Yeah, every woman gets it.

Chelsea (35:05)
Most birthing people in the US are only seen once after they give birth and it's usually six to eight weeks after they have the baby and then you're on your merry way. So we're not really getting a lot of aftercare. I've heard from a couple of guests in the UK that at least you can, have access to a midwife after birth, yeah.

Nicola (35:20)
Yeah.

Yeah,

I think it's still the same now. You used to have a daily visit to your home from the midwife every day for, I think, seven days it used to be. And I think there's something like that, but I don't think it's every day now. But yeah, she would pick up if there is anything with you as well as with the baby. But we are like, you've just said, I think it's a six week check maybe with the GP, but it's much more.

Chelsea (35:37)
Yeah.

Yeah.

Nicola (35:54)
around your mental health. It's like for postnatal depression or postpartum depression. It's checking those kinds of things as opposed to the physical things, which I say is just such a big miss. It's yeah, you know, because we aren't taught. exactly. So, so very much. And lots of women may not have the incontinence at that point, but also it's the

Chelsea (36:01)
Yeah.

Yeah. Well, and they're interconnected. Yeah.

Nicola (36:22)
your abdominal muscles, know, them coming back together properly. And I think from memory, the GP just does a very basic on hand touch with them to check to make sure they are, you know, coming back the way that they should together. But lots of women find their leakage problems become a little bit later as well. So, you you signed off and that's it. You think, well, I'm fine. But then maybe months or

Chelsea (36:25)
Yes.

Yeah.

Nicola (36:50)
further down the line and for lots of women who haven't had problems right after having children, they do experience it as they approach menopause. Now we know that can be even early 40s, mid 40s in perimenopause. They start at them because all of those tissues are changing with the reduction in estrogen and so on if they're already weak because of one or two plus pregnancies and then vaginal deliveries, then it's...

Chelsea (37:01)
Mm -hmm.

Nicola (37:19)
It's often why a lot of women in midlife now are starting to have problems with their pelvic floor. And so we know, you know, it's not an old lady problem. This is a problem mainly in females, but male do get pelvic floor challenges as well. But like you said, you know, in our twenties, really is, I think the whole, this is a whole other conversation side track thing, but do you know, like as kids at school, what you're taught about puberty is for girls.

Chelsea (37:29)
Mm -mm. Yeah.

Yeah.

Nicola (37:49)
about periods and that's kind of it and that a boy has sperm and how you make a baby but it stops there you know there's no no whole hormonal life cycle explanation but also no no just women's health as in what happens you know you're checking your breasts checking things down there are all right what your pelvic floor is like i think it should all be taught young so it becomes just a natural part of life and you grow up being strong so that

Chelsea (38:05)
Yeah!

Nicola (38:16)
you know, you're not waiting for the problem to fix it. And that's very much my ethos, what I do with perimenopause and menopause. I don't wait for the flames to put the fire out. We've got to get that way. think with lots, because there's so much changes physically when we have a pregnancy as well. It's not just pelvic floor. That's a big part. But, know, lots of people have ongoing back problems, know, problems even with your rib cage. I had a rib that didn't move properly whilst I was pregnant.

which had to be resolved as well. So there's so many things that can happen because it's a big deal. Creating a baby, a lot happens in your body, doesn't it?

Chelsea (38:53)
Yeah, absolutely. And I agree 100%. I've chatted about this a few times on the podcast now just about how we're not preparing our youth for not only childbearing because not everyone's gonna go down that path, but like the changes that your body goes through as you age don't end in puberty. And it's not it's not just like, well, you're gonna get your period and have a good life.

Nicola (39:07)
Mm.

Yeah.

That's it, yeah, crack

on.

Chelsea (39:22)
Yeah, like there are so many things about our bodies that are changing and evolving and giving us that knowledge when we're younger, number one prepares us, number two destigmatizes the whole conversation so that it's not so that you're not

Nicola (39:28)
Mmm.

Chelsea (39:42)
You're not at work being like, can't tell anybody about this, about what's going on. It gives us power over our bodies and our health. Because not with knowledge comes power. So yes, I agree a hundred percent that we need to be doing better in our health classes. But you're right. That is another podcast. I could go down a whole rabbit hole with that. But

Nicola (39:46)
Yeah.

Yeah.

Chelsea (40:08)
Navigating back to you and your story. Did you have any sort of a support system while you were going through this? Like this was a lengthy period of time and so much stacked against you during this transition. Did you have a support system sort of helping? Like take care of you, take care of baby? No?

Nicola (40:28)
Not really,

no. And that was really hard. My mom had some health problems, which all kind of came from, she had quite a serious brain aneurysm in her early fifties. And by the time I got pregnant, was only maybe six or so years later, but she'd started to have some quite significant mental health shifts and

Chelsea (40:33)
Yeah.

Nicola (40:56)
up to that point she'd always been very mobile, very hands -on, know, very much that typical mother of just, you know, doing everything for the kids and the house and so on. And I'd just expected her to be there at every stage of, you know, the point when I did have a baby. And it wasn't like that. I'd moved a bit further away from where my parents lived and friends lived. And I was actually really isolated and in those, well...

especially the first week or two when you have a newborn, I think any help you can get, whether it's someone dropping off some prepared meals or offering to help with washing, I just didn't have anything and we were renovating the house and it was really, really difficult. I didn't have any support. I'm going to come back to this on the problems I had, you know, physically with the incontinence as well. felt quite.

quite a lonely, difficult thing to go through. like I said, I had all of this shame and stigma. I had my partner, the baby's father, but he wasn't the most supportive and just kind of, yeah, he got it and he would give, you know, a shoulder to lean on or cry on sort of thing. But he wasn't really, I just think like self -aware of what something like that could cause and what it felt like because he'd never had any health problems. He was quite a bit older than me as well.

And so, yeah, although I had a partner and I could talk and share, I still felt like I was in it myself and even down to, well, what do I do next for this? That it was just me. And yeah, that was hard. And I did have a point quite a few weeks after having the baby where I had a bit of a breakdown. I think I'd just gone on this adrenaline and trying to renovate the house and everything with the new baby that I'd just hit a point where I thought...

Well, I wasn't thinking because I just didn't feel like I was actually, you know, in my body. I didn't have postnatal depression, but I did have quite a like a dip that, you know, fortunately I was able to pick myself up from.

Chelsea (42:50)
Yeah.

and that's, that's totally, I, I want to sort of

pause a little bit and like when you say like, I didn't have postnatal depression. I think so many new moms feel like they have to justify their feelings. And just because you don't have like, you don't have to have a diagnosis, you don't have to have a perinatal mental health diagnosis to feel really low or to have a moment where it all sort of sneaks up on you. And that's a hundred percent valid.

Nicola (43:15)
Mmm.

Yeah.

Chelsea (43:32)
It's valid to be like, I can't handle this. You know what I mean? Or like, this is too much. So just acknowledging like, you were facing a lot. You were facing a lot and yeah, those low points are gonna happen. And it doesn't mean that there's something wrong with you.

Nicola (43:52)
Hmm.

Chelsea (43:56)
It just means you're, I hate, I say this all the time now, but like it feels hard because it is hard. So what was sort of the turning point for you? Like, so I know you mentioned it was, it was really five years before you, before you,

Nicola (44:03)
Mmm.

Mm.

Chelsea (44:13)
got the surgery that you needed and whatnot, but what was the turning point for you when you were like, I can't, this is not, I can't do it like this anymore. I can't continue on like this anymore.

Nicola (44:25)
I think it was just having managed it for so many years that I just thought, you know, I'm still a young woman. decided I was very unlikely to have another pregnancy or child and just thought, you know, I have to do something about this because it was really affecting, like say my mental health and everything that goes with that, you know, my self -worth. They were already, you know, always difficult because of just...

where I was at and the anxiety and so on. But I just thought I have to do something because I can't live, you know, at this point, how old, you know, it was mid thirties, I can't live possibly another 40 years, which, you know, thinking, well, when you get older, it's going to get worse anyway. So it was just thinking, you know, actually I've had enough of...

trying to fix it and giving it that break. I mean, one of the things I had to do as well was wear this TENS machine and I had to tell everyone at work it was for a bad back and you know, it's trying to reprogram the bladder message to the brain. And so I tried so many different avenues, which I think were all worthwhile trying, but it was like, no, I'm done with that. It's, it's got to be fixed because I just felt dirty a lot of the time. I just felt like, you know, I was wearing these pads that

that just wasn't nice to have outside of your body, know, absorbing. So, yeah, and I was lucky enough that through the job I had, I did have private healthcare, which made it easier, you know, because on the NHS here, it had been quite a process from that six months post -pregnancy to actually go and know this is still an issue. Now I need help to then get seen, to then have tests. And so I remember

I think it was about the October time making this decision that I was going to pursue, seeing if I could have surgery. And went to the NHS and I said, okay, it's going to be quite a long wait. So then I said, okay, let's see if I can do this privately through my healthcare. And then I had the operation at the beginning of February, so only a few months later. And I didn't get an appointment to go and see someone on the NHS until a year after I'd gone on that wait list.

So by that point, I'd already had the surgery like eight months. So that would have been the start to then wait to get booked in for tests, which could have been months. And so I think that that's probably puts a lot of women off as well because there's no clear path of, well, you see this person and then you'll get tests. It's like, well, again, whole other thing, but the NHS has certainly shifted. I we've got a brilliant healthcare system compared to many countries, but post -COVID, it isn't what it used to be.

Chelsea (46:43)
you

Yeah.

Nicola (47:12)
And,

you know, there's just not that clear direction of, when you have this problem as a woman with continence and pelvic floor, you're going to get seen by this person and then we'll do tests. So it's a bit of the unknown and like, I don't know if I can wait that long. I might as well just get on with it how it is. So, you know, was, it was just that point of right now I have to do something and try and make this a shift. And I can honestly say,

It was life changing that surgery. mean, so that particular surgery is now banned in the UK, know, the vaginal tape using the mesh. I think it is in the US. I'm not a hundred percent, but it's yeah, there's sadly lots of women have been very impacted physically by the mesh moving or being in the wrong position and given a lot of pain problems and even paralysis and so on.

Chelsea (47:51)
I had never heard of it. I had never heard of it.

Nicola (48:08)
Now I know they can use the mesh or they can use part of your own, I don't know if it's skin or something, you know, from your own body to create this. It's basically a hammock to lift up your urethra. But yeah, mean, for me, as much as what I know, there are a lot of cons to that surgery. It has been life changing, but my concern is that I think I'm 11, 12 years maybe coming up to having had it and its lifespan is...

Chelsea (48:16)
Yeah, your own tissue. Yeah.

Nicola (48:37)
really five to 10 years, possibly at the very most in a small percentage of people 15 years. And I could not bear to go back to where I was. And that's something, as I was just having a conversation with someone yesterday about this, about how I can start. Because I was then never told when I had the operation that I should also do, you know, rehabilitation, strengthen and work for future.

Chelsea (48:39)
Mm.

Yeah. Yeah.

Nicola (49:02)
and you know, prevention

of incontinence. It was just when you've had the operation, that's it. And that wasn't plain sailing either. It was very, very painful for a long time, but it was life changing in terms of just zero, like, know, can, apart from now I've got a bad back and a bad knee, but I can jump, I can run, and I do not leak one little bit. can sneeze, can cough, laugh, you know, and so many women, that's just life day in, day out. So.

Chelsea (49:31)
Yeah.

Nicola (49:32)
I know there are other alternatives now to help with that issue that are not that same kind of surgery, there are some alternative medical interventions, but there are also lots of new ways that are not just doing your kegel pelvic floor exercises, but other types of exercises, including the right type of breathing and so on. So there's a lot more available now, but again.

Chelsea (49:47)
Yeah.

Nicola (49:56)
I'm a health coach and I don't know all about this. I know it exists, but I don't know it. So the normal woman on the street, she doesn't know this as we said, yeah.

Chelsea (50:01)
Right.

Right. And also, it the there is this stereotype of like any person who's had a baby, like anytime you laugh, you pee or anytime you jump, you pee or any time. So like, there's varying degrees of this as well. But it's not. It's the same thing with perinatal mental health disorders. We have to think about our language. It's not normal. It's common. It's common.

Nicola (50:14)
Yeah.

Hmm

Yeah, exactly, common.

Chelsea (50:33)
but it's not normal and we don't need to just accept like, yeah, well, if I pee every time I sneeze now, but there are things that you can So taking a sort of, now your daughter is 16, you said, taking a sort of doing a big jump ahead, how did all of this impact what you're doing now?

Nicola (50:38)
Hmm

Yeah.

Mm -hmm.

Everything that I experienced, like what I've talked about here that was related to having been pregnant and given birth, you know, I had a lot of mental health and other physical health challenges. I never spoke, as I say, about openly about the incontinence problems. And I was diagnosed with an overactive bladder, which there's nothing I can do about that. I still have that. But I hid that for all of those years. And I'd also hidden my mental health struggles, very

Chelsea (51:21)
Yeah.

Nicola (51:29)
shamefully because I was embarrassed. thought, you know, I was this kind of freak that there was something abnormal with me and so on. And it was through that whole journey of, know, having that operation. then years later, changing also my approach to what I ate and how I exercised, feeling some benefit from that. But three and a half years ago, I was made redundant. I'd been at Nike for 20 years. It was the pandemic.

I'd lost my mom sadly before the pandemic. She was only 60 and it was all just like, my God, your health is so important. And I knew through the work I did at Nike, the power of moving your body. I'd done a lot of work on girls and women and how they were being impacted by girls dropping out of sport at quite a young age at school. And you know, the risks to our health as women. I had that knowledge.

Chelsea (51:58)
Yeah.

Nicola (52:26)
from there, but then I had my lived experience of my own health journey, but then having seen what my mom went through and sadly what happened to her was very much lifestyle related and could have been avoided if she was educated on, actually, if I make this choice, then that's going to help. And then that choice would help even more. And then I'm going to feel better. And then that will become easier. And so I just had this huge passion about helping other women to appreciate their health because

It is everything and I know, you know, even if I didn't have those pre -existing mental health struggles, what I experienced having, like I said, been through an incredible experience of having a pregnancy and then having a baby and loving being a mother, that changed me so much, you know, and I had, like said, all that narrative running around that.

criticism because I felt a bit like I'd failed as a woman and as a mother and so on. none of us should feel that at, you know, we've got to understand, as you said, our bodies change constantly. Anyone born female is going to go through that hormonal season or seasons of life. And we are different to anyone who's born male. And I there are people who identify as

Chelsea (53:29)
Mm -mm.

Yeah.

Nicola (53:51)
is non -genders or different genders and so on. So I'm always careful about the language, you know, we're talking about kind of in this sense, we are very different as women and we don't get taught that and we need to know that. But we also need to it from that lens of we deserve to think and know, well not think, we deserve to know we're worthy and that we're valuable and we get this one life. And I spent so many years not believing I had any value.

and think and I was flawed because I didn't look a certain way, that my size wasn't a certain size, you know, all of that crap that many, many, many women have that they then just think is the thing they've got to fix. Whereas there is so, so much more that is much more important when it comes to being healthy, strong, fulfilled, confident, happy women. And so, everything was just so like interlinked.

throughout my journey and what I'd learned is, you know, adorning to my mother and seeing her health deteriorate and then practically in the corporate work I did as well.

Chelsea (54:58)
Yeah, So it was really a culmination of

your life experience and it was just like this, this makes sense. I need to take what I have learned and experienced and share it with other women. And that's amazing. And I'm, I'm thankful that you're doing that because we really do need to empower.

Nicola (55:12)
Mm.

Chelsea (55:20)
like you said, women or people who were born female or I like to call us sometime, not everybody loves this terms but term but I say like if you own a uterus, like you really need to learn about what that means and how it's going to impact your health and and I'm learning that for sure right But I'm thankful for the work that you do. And

Nicola (55:30)
Mm.

Mm.

Chelsea (55:45)
this kind of this feels like a nice like full circle moment. I always wait until I'm close to the end of a session to figure out what I'm going to ask. And as my like wrap up question, and I think I know what I'm going to ask you.

given everything that you've gone through, given all of the different sort of titles you've held and shifts that you've gone through, if you had to pick one message or one sort of just one thing that you want my listeners to take away from your story, what would you hope that to be?

Nicola (56:24)
That's such a powerful question. And that actually is a question that is why I do what I do. Like we have to know the value of our health. that's it, know, understand the value of our health to make sure that you get in control of your health so that you can live a long, strong and happy life.

Chelsea (56:49)
Yeah, and that has been, I mean, that message was clearly conveyed through that whole, through your whole story. So I'm just, again, I'm so glad that you're doing the work that you're doing. And I think a lot of us come into what we're meant to do through going through trials that we may not necessarily wish on anyone else, but

Nicola (56:56)
Yeah.

Mmm.

Chelsea (57:15)
doing the work to empower others is beautiful. So thank you for doing that. Nicola, where can my listeners find you if they want to learn more about the work that you're doing?

Nicola (57:29)
Yeah, come and check me out on Instagram as Life Now underscore coaching because I'm all about living life now. You know, we don't get a second go at it. So yeah, it's embracing life now. And I have my podcast, which is Women's Health Unwrapped as well. So maybe, you know, check that out and see if there's anything that can inspire you to take better care of yourself.

Chelsea (57:37)
Yeah?

Absolutely. And the link to your podcast will be in the show notes. So listeners check that out. And yeah, I just I want to thank you so much for chatting with me for being flexible through all of my life challenges and scheduling and rescheduling. And yeah, thank you for sharing your story and and helping to end the cycle of shame.

Nicola (58:20)
Hmm. Well, honestly, I've really enjoyed this because it's a different conversation in many ways to ones I often have on podcasts. And I've really enjoyed reminiscing about my pregnancy and birth journey as well. know, because it is such a part of who you are as well. thought you were going to ask at the end to give a label to like how I would describe myself now. yeah, no, no, it's fine.

Chelsea (58:44)
do that, I would love that.

Nicola (58:48)
I would have said, well, I'm a woman, because I really, really like that now where I didn't think about that in the past. having just relived this, it's brought me a little bit of like, yeah, you did that, that's part of you. Because it's easy to forget, isn't it? You get caught up in the parenting itself. So yeah, I appreciate the conversation. I've really enjoyed it.

Chelsea (58:54)
Yeah.

Yeah!

I'm so glad. I'm so glad. Okay,

Chelsea (59:16)
Thank you, Nicola, for highlighting a side of postpartum that is not often considered, the mental and physical aftermath and how they are so intertwined. I definitely encourage my listeners to check out Nicola's podcast, Women's Health Unwrapped, and visit her website to learn more about how she's using her experiences to empower women to take control of their health.

You can keep up with us on Quiet Connection by following us on Facebook, Instagram, TikTok, and threads at Quiet Connection podcast. You can help our community grow by leaving us a rating and review on Apple podcasts or Spotify And consider sharing our episodes on social media.

To share your personal journey, can contact us through our website at quietconnectionpodcast .com or by email at quietconnectionppmh at gmail .com. Join us next time when another story is told and you realize you are not alone. I see you.