Quiet Confessions, Episode 38: Psychiatric Hospitalization Part 1

In response to an overwhelming listener poll, Chelsea begins a highly requested series detailing their three psychiatric inpatient experiences following the birth of their youngest child. In this first installment, Chelsea recounts the descent into an acute mental health crisis in 2022, a period marked by profound detachment and a desperate need for someone else to "take the reins".

Key Takeaways

• The Decision for Inpatient Care: Chelsea emphasizes that reaching out for help is an act of bravery, driven by the realization that they were no longer safe and physically incapable of functioning.
• The Reality of the "Wait": Psychiatric beds are often scarce, requiring patients to wait days in emergency rooms without personal belongings or cords before being transported—often by ambulance—to a facility.
• Clinical Environment vs. Therapeutic Hope: Chelsea highlights the jarring nature of inpatient units where everything is bare and weighted for safety, and clocks or calendars are absent, which can lead to a loss of sense of reality.
• The "Holding Cell" Model: Many inpatient facilities are underfunded and understaffed, functioning more as a safe "holding cell" to prevent self-harm rather than providing intensive emotional healing or therapy.
• Solidarity in Crisis: Despite the chaos, connecting with other mothers in the unit, even through something as simple as watching a Studio Ghibli movie, provided a vital lifeline during the stay.
• Post-Discharge Instability: Being cleared for discharge does not necessarily equal recovery; Chelsea shares the harrowing reality of returning home while still in the throes of panic and nausea, leading to a second hospitalization just days later.

This episode discusses topics that may be triggering for some individuals. Please check the show notes for more information and be mindful of your own mental health and comfort levels.

Odd Moms On Call is a podcast for moms navigating the chaos of current events. Join our diverse panel of moms from across the U.S. and Canada, breaking down how politics, policies, and culture impact our families—and how we talk to our kids about them. Honest, unfiltered, and insightful, we're making sense of the world, one conversation at a time. 

Listen on BuzzSprout!

Transcript

Chelsea Myers (00:55)
Hello! Welcome back to another Quiet Confessions, a little mini episode where you and I get to hang out. I am so sorry I missed you guys last week, but life is crazy and our internet has been very unreliable with all of these crazy storms up here in the Northeast. My kids are on break and well, by the time you hear this, they'll be back at school. ⁓

Yeah, I'm having to be pretty intentional about where my energy goes and how I use it, so I appreciate your understanding, but here we are. Here we are. It's another Thursday and we're back. ⁓ I had put a poll out to my Instagram and Facebook followers asking what they would like to hear about. What you guys want to hear about in these little episodes. Because sometimes I've got stuff to brain dump and sometimes...

I don't. Like right now, I just don't. So the overwhelming response was that people would like to hear about each of my psychiatric inpatient experiences postpartum. And I have touched on them here and there. And I think I may have even done an episode or two.

talking about maybe one experience or pieces of several experiences. But what I'm going to do is I'm going to do a little series and whether I do them in a row or whether I space them out to give you guys breaks from what could be potentially triggering or overwhelming.

I'm, I am, I'm gonna record, I'm gonna talk about each individual one and we'll break it up however we need to break it up. But I am more than happy to talk about it. There was a time when talking about it was very difficult and I would experience flashbacks. ⁓ But I'm at a point now where I can reflect and I am able to use coping skills.

to recognize that I am not in those moments right now. So yeah, I'm happy to share. But again, please be mindful of your comfort levels none of these experiences were rainbows and sunshine in the slightest. In fact, I only regard one of them as being slightly okay. And I still

wound up being hospitalized again, even after that experience. So I guess I'll get specific. ⁓ After I had my youngest in June due to several things, birth trauma, my C-section medical things that happened after that, and

I don't know what could have been at the time a brain tumor that we now know I did have and that ruptured. ⁓ We don't know how long it was there. We suspect it was there at the time. But very long story short, I very, very quickly developed acute perinatal mental health disorders to the point where physically and mentally I was incapable of functioning.

I couldn't take care of myself. I couldn't take care of my kids. ⁓ And it got to a point where I could not see how I could carry on And I was not safe safe. I called 9-8-8, which I recommend to anyone experiencing crisis, but specifically perinatal mental health, I would encourage you to reach out to

the maternal mental health hotline, which I will link in the show notes. again, all of this to say, it led me to my very first hospitalization November of that year.

I had come close several times, but this is when it all came to a head. ⁓ What that process looked like was I called my therapist, who is a lifeline. She's still my therapist to this day, and I've never ever had a better experience with a therapist. I've been with her since, ⁓ my goodness, 2018, 2019.

not sure right around there 2019 maybe um and she is incredible but she was very she took me very seriously she had been taking me very seriously um i was also seeing a perinatal nurse practitioner uh a psychiatric perinatal nurse practitioner at the time and both agreed that i needed

to call either 988 or our local mental health hotline. I had called 988 before, but I called our local mental health hotline and they instructed me to get to the nearest ER and to pack a bag and that I needed to be hospitalized. That was.

devastating, but also I was so desperate for someone else to take over control. ⁓ I couldn't see a future where I would ever feel better. So I needed someone else to take the reins and tell me I was going to be okay. That was what my hope was. There were so many tears and fears and I was so disconnected from myself and

from my family and my kids. I've said this numerous times in several episodes, but I have little to no memory of the first seven to nine months of my youngest's life because I was so detached from myself. My husband, I could praise him for episode after episode after episode, but I essentially had our daughter.

And he took on the role of mom and dad and everything in between for both my newborn and our older daughter. So he did what he was told to do and took me to the ER where I would spend the next three days waiting for a bed to open up at some inpatient facility somewhere in the state. We didn't know where and we didn't know when.

But during that time, ⁓ I was just in a room, in a room not allowed to have, I could have my cell phone, but there were no cords, there were no supplies. I had to wear scrubs, essentially. I couldn't wear my own clothes. I couldn't have my toiletries or anything. And there was a TV. And I was just alone.

⁓ Doctors didn't really check on me a whole heck of a lot. The nurses were nicer. There ⁓ was a person stationed outside of my room at all times just to make sure that I wouldn't harm myself.

And that was it. That was, I want to be clear about that. That'll come up later in the series, but for the majority of these moments, I didn't actively want to harm myself. I wanted to fall asleep and not wake up, or I just wanted something to happen so that I didn't exist anymore. I didn't.

have a plan to make that happen for myself until much later.

But yeah, those three days were...

I don't have lot of memories of them. My husband would visit me, one of my very best friends, Emily, who was on my episode in season one. Emily and Ashley were in that episode, but Emily came and visited me. Ashley and Antonia and Emily were texting me all the time. Emily even said in the episode, like, she could see how sick I was when she came to visit me because I just kept repeating the same things over and over again.

⁓ And it was really just like I'm gonna get better right they're gonna fix this right this can't last forever That has to do with the OCD that was undiagnosed at the time, but I'm really condensing this part because I know that you guys specifically asked about The psychiatric facilities that I was at so yeah a bed opened up ⁓

In southern Vermont, it was a three hour drive, close to a three hour drive. ⁓ In an ambulance, I was transported. person who rode with me, the paramedic who rode with me was absolutely phenomenal. Talked to me about a similar situation that he had been in and how he had navigated it and how I was doing something really brave and just tried to take my mind off of things. But honestly, all my mind was focused on was

They're going to fix me. They're going to fix me. They're going to make this go away. They're going to believe me. This is all going to stop. I'm going to go to this place, and I'm going to come home, and everything is going to be OK. And I arrived. ⁓ The only reason I know this is because I started keeping a journal that night. So I think I arrived after 5 or 6 PM. So dinner had already been served. They had.

to do a strip search and take all of my belongings. And I had to go through a medical check before I was even brought to the floor that I would be staying on. I was warned that there were two cases of COVID on the floor that I would be staying on, but that those people were isolated. So that drove my anxiety through the roof.

⁓ but I was completely numb through all of the intake. I barely remember any of it. I, I barely remember any of it. I remember being able to put my own clothes on. but then they took away, like all of my toiletries. They told, I think I brought my stuffed animal with me and they took my stuffed animal away from me.

The only belongings I was able to hold onto were clothes that were, they couldn't have any strings, ⁓ shoes couldn't have any laces, so I think I had crocs. ⁓ I didn't, yeah, I didn't have anything but my clothes, just a few, a few pairs of clothes, or sets of clothes. And then I was brought up and I was shown my room. My room was right across from the nurse's station.

It had a beautiful big window that let the light in. But everything was plastic and weighted and like weighed down to the floor. It was very bare and I know that's for a reason. ⁓ But yeah, I I went in and I dropped my stuff and then they gave me a very quick tour of

the facility, they showed me the day room that had a TV and movies ⁓ that I could access with permission. They explained to me ⁓ how I could use the phone, but that there was only one phone, so we would have to take turns, and that there was a laptop that people shared with limited access to sites, but I wouldn't have access to that.

until I was cleared by their psychiatrist and it was a weekend so it was going to take a little bit and I wouldn't have outdoor privileges either. They showed me the main room which pretty much served as like people would eat there, we would do like art therapy there, people would just hang out there and there were

big windows there too where you could see the river. That was one thing about this place is they did have windows and there was sunlight and views. That was helpful. ⁓ They explained that a lot of people liked to walk the hall. I mean it really wasn't a big unit, but like just to do laps, just to get some physical activity. There was a little reading nook with books that I could borrow if I wanted to.

That first night, I just, I slept. I hadn't slept in days, ⁓ but I went to sleep with the thought that, okay, I'm here now. This is what they're here for. They're gonna fix me. Again, that thought again, they're gonna fix me. This is gonna stop. Very quickly I learned that this was

not going to be a very therapeutic experience for me. It was a very mixed group of people experiencing all different kinds of mental health crises or substance use disorders or even people who were just not just but they were unhoused and needed a place to detox or yeah, there was only one

other mother there with me who I very quickly bonded with and I don't think I would have made it through my short time there without her. My very first night she sat and watched a movie with me. They had Studio Ghibli movies so she must have thought I was crazy. She'd never seen this or heard of these movies but we watched Spirited Away.

until it was time to close the day room and then we went to bed. But she just kept coming back and she kept kind of pulling me out of my own head. Like once I got outdoor privileges, we would go to the courtyard and I just sat and cried on a bench and she would come over and be like, come walk with us. And I would walk with them and then I would start to feel a little bit lighter. ⁓ There were

There were two other people that I kind of connected with, but no one as close as her. And we still stay in touch occasionally, which is really nice.

She ended up being discharged before me and the atmosphere on my unit just devolved so quickly after that and I was scared. I was scared of all of the alerts that we kept having to have where we'd all have to go to our rooms because there was some sort of crisis happening. I was scared because some of the other there...

were going through things that were big and loud and and I was in a place where I was very vulnerable and so yeah I was afraid I was afraid for my safety at times the staff while they were incredibly empathetic and I was privileged to be on a unit that was LGBTQIA plus friendly and had

⁓ trans members of staff and queer members of staff, I mean that wasn't their sole purpose but they just happened to be on that unit. ⁓ They were not there to give therapy or to like, they were damage control. And we would have our group therapies were like art therapy or

One day we had someone come in and we like designed our own tea blends. one day we did sand art. I don't know. And then we would have a therapist and we would have group therapy, but I never really got a chance to talk because there were a lot of other people who were big talkers. And then I don't, I don't remember if it was every day or every other day, but we would use telehealth to meet with the psychiatrist.

that was assigned to us and mine was pretty distant and she assured me I was gonna feel better, put me on several different medications. ⁓ Most of them made me just totally, I felt like I was buzzing all the time but also completely numb.

Yeah, so it really was not what I thought it was going to be and towards the end of my time there, I just found myself desperately needing to get out. I knew that I wasn't fixed. I knew that as soon as I I was going to be in the same place that I was before I had even made the call, but I knew I needed to get out of there. It was not helping me. It was making things worse.

In terms of like nitty-gritty details for anyone who's curious like You honestly can't do anything without permission or supervision ⁓ so showering You get a little cups with your with like shampoo and conditioner and body wash and then You have to like sign in to the shower room and sign out

You go outside and you're supervised. Sometimes we would go down to a little recreation room and we were supervised in there and they had like air hockey and table tennis and they do 15 minute checks. So someone always has eyes on you all the time. Even when you're sleeping, you can't sleep with your door closed or you can, but they'll open it.

So, and again, I understand that this is for safety reasons, but as is something I've said in the past and something that was told to me much later on down the road that resonates so deeply now is that these facilities, as well-meaning as they are, they are so underfunded, they are so understaffed, and they are essentially just a holding cell to make sure you do not harm yourself until they feel

like you're at a place where you won't harm yourself. And that's not fixing anything. ⁓ So again, after my one friend was discharged and we got a couple of new people who came in, the atmosphere completely changed. It was very loud. It was very chaotic. There were several situations.

when we were all sent to our rooms and someone had to be restrained or you know when you see on TV or in the movies like when they have to give you a shot. ⁓ Usually those are some form of benzodiazepine that will calm you down. ⁓ That happened to several people while I was there. Some people had to be taken to a room.

to be restrained until they could calm down. And I just needed to leave. I needed to get out of there. And I told the staff, I said, I feel like I'm the only person here who's not crazy. And that felt so terrible to say. And they said, you're not crazy. And if you want to go home, you've got to talk to your doctor. But I think that you should. And I did. And somehow I convinced them.

that I was ready to go home. And literally a day and a half later, I was discharged. That process is similar again. Sign paperwork, your pickup person meets you downstairs, you get your belongings back, and you're sent on your way. You make a little wrap-up plan, what you're gonna do if you find yourself in this situation again, and...

Yeah, so none of it did anything. It was just a place for me to be. I was still experiencing the extreme anxiety. I was still having panic attacks constantly. I still could barely eat. I was nauseous. I was dizzy. was... My heart was racing constantly. I wasn't even thinking about anything other than I can't live like this.

I can't deal with the thoughts in my head. can't deal with these physical feelings that I'm going through. I can't parent my children. All I want to do is parent my children. I don't want to be a statistic, but I'm more of a burden to my family than anything else in this state. And I went home. And I felt that way. I the long drive home with my husband. And he knew. He knew.

And I was only home for two days before I would hop on a plane and fly from Vermont to North Carolina for my next hospitalization. that will have to be its own episode.

but that is the most in a nutshell version I can give you. The only other things I want to note are things that I had never expected or didn't even think about prior to going into this. There are no clocks anywhere or calendars. So I never knew what time it was or what day it was. I drew a calendar in my notebook so that I could keep track of what the date was. But the staff tells you when and where.

Like where and when to go and when to be there. They have a clock in the nurses' station that you can go look at. But other than that, there are no calendars. There are no clocks. And that was really alarming to me. ⁓ It took away from that sense of reality. And yeah, everything, you need permission for everything. Which, like even to eat a snack.

or to brush your teeth. So those were the things that I had never even considered. But that was experience number one. And if that was heavy, do what I'm about to do and take a couple of deep breaths. Drink your water. I'm going to be drinking my water. It is right around lunchtime, so I'm also going to feed myself.

Do something for you that brings you joy. Look for a glimmer. If you've been there, if you've gone through something similar to this, if you've been hospitalized in a psychiatric unit, I see you. We're not alone. And yeah, there's more to this story. So whether that comes next week or somewhere down the line, you will get it. I will tell you the whole story.

And if you have more questions or if you have things that you would like to hear me talk about, please, please, please send me a message through any of my social media accounts, Quiet Connection Podcast, or send me an email at chelsea at quietconnectionpodcast.com. And I will see you on the next one.