Quiet Confessions: Postpartum PTSD, Triggers, & Flashbacks Pt. 3

In this solo mini-episode, I'm letting down the veil and sharing a very raw look at how postpartum PTSD still shows up in my life today. 

This past weekend, our family celebrated the arrival of my new nephew. While I made a conscious choice to stay present and fully embrace this journey with my sister-in-law, holding that sweet, fresh newborn ended up opening a floodgate of unexpected emotions.

I'm opening up about the painful realization of the missing memories from my youngest daughter's first few months of life, a time when mental illness and medical trauma kept me from being fully present. 

We'll talk about what happens when a trigger catches you completely off guard, how I used my DBT skills to stay grounded, and the beautiful moment of connection that came from letting myself cry in the quiet space of our car ride home. 

If you've ever felt like your healing journey's taking two steps forward and one step back, this episode's a gentle reminder that you aren't alone, and your feelings are entirely valid.

Key Takeaways

• Healing isn't a straight line: You can prepare yourself mentally for a situation and still find yourself blindsided by a full-body trauma response when you least expect it.
• Grieving missing milestones is normal: It's completely valid to grieve the hazy or missing infant memories that were stolen by severe perinatal mental health disorders (PMHDS) or physical illness.
• The impact of grounding tools: Utilizing daily DBT (Dialectical Behavior Therapy) skills is essential for pulling your mind back to the present when your brain tries to drag you into past trauma.
• Vulnerability strengthens partnerships: Allowing your partner or support system into your raw, unpolished moments can break down walls and spark deep, healing conversations.

Transcript

Chelsea Myers (00:00)
Hello. Welcome back to another Quiet Confessions little mini episodes where you and I get to connect and I catch you up on where I'm at. And this will probably be the final installment in my postpartum PTSD series. I am currently coming to you from my trusty recliner this summer.

has been kicking my butt. Honestly, the last six to nine months have been kicking my butt. I am not feeling well. I feel like I say that a lot. If you've been following me on social media, I'm trying to be pretty transparent about it. but that's just where I'm at. So you're getting me at about 40%

Of my 100%, which would be a typical person's like 60%. I don't know. But anyway, let's get into it because this past weekend really showed me how my PTSD still manifests to this day. And that was kind of what I was gonna talk to you about today, anyway, just sort of

the ways in which I still navigate the little triggers and the we've talked about the like ones that seem silly and the ones that like make more sense. but this past weekend I had some things come up that were partially anticipated and also totally unexpected. And that's kind of just how PTSD works, at least for me. So let's get into it.

Very recently on Father's Day of all days, we welcomed our newest nephew to the family. he was born in the early morning hours on Father's Day, and we have been so excited, so so so excited for my sister-in-law, and her husband and my niece. This has been a journey for them

We're just so, so, so thankful and excited to welcome this little one into the crazy family. and we didn't get to meet him right away like we had hoped. And mostly that was on me. My health was not well. And so it took us a little while, but we got to meet him last weekend and going into it.

There were some mental preparations that needed to be made. And I want to sort of take you back and explain a few things so that you can understand the impact of this experience. So without getting into personal details,

So it was about mid to late 2025. our family, not me, but our family experienced a loss. It was a loss that was unexpected. It was a loss of of a baby of a a pregnancy.

And it's not my story to tell. So I'm not gonna get into details. But what I will let you know is that throughout that person's pregnancy, I was still really, really struggling with my own PTSD and my own mental health and my own triggers. And I chose to remove myself as much as possible from

this person's experience, not because I was angry or I felt jealous or I felt like there were no ill feelings towards this person or this baby. it was that I did not want to taint the experience for anyone involved. I did not want my trauma and my trauma responses to have any impact on

This pregnancy and welcoming this baby into the world. So I really retreated into myself. I really pulled back. I I set some boundaries that like all of these things that I did, I regret. This is something that I can say that I regret.

I know why I made these choices and I understand that I was trying to protect my mental health. But in doing so, I deprived myself the opportunity to be there for this person in ways that I wish I could have been. I denied myself the experience of getting to know this little life before it entered the world.

And when the time came and the pregnancy ended, I took a very, very hard look at myself and had to face some thoughts that I had about myself and sort of reconfigure them. and again, I'm trying to be as vague as possible because this is not my experience and this is not my story to tell, but

My piece in it is that I will always regret that my fears and my boundaries and my triggers kept me from being the person that I wish I could have been during that time. So when this new experience came up, and we found out that my sister-in-law was pregnant and she was expecting our nephew. I

Was so excited. Our whole family was so excited. And I like in an instant made the decision that I was going to approach this experience with this pregnancy and this person completely differently. I'd been doing a lot of work on myself. I've been doing a lot of work with my PTSD. It's still a work in progress. But I said I

Am not going to subtract myself from this equation. I want to be there. I want to be a part of this. If she wants me to be a part of this, I want to share in the joy because I'm so full of joy. And I want to welcome this life into this crazy, crazy family with as much of myself as I can offer.

So with that said, with you knowing the background, I did. I I followed along the journey. I did not set boundaries like I did with this other experience. I wanted to know all the updates. I wanted to know like whatever she was willing to share. I wanted to hear it. I checked in frequently.

On my sister-in-law, because I am a very big believer in checking on mom. and when like as we got closer to the due date, the whole family was just we were just so excited, and we were all just sharing this little bubble of joy, which truly was so so amazing to be a part of, and I'm so grateful that I was able to be a part of. And then he came, he arrived, and

Ugh, everyone, we were all in a family group chat and and my kids were excited, my in laws were obviously elated. Everyone was just we were in this little happiness bubble. Even though I was really struggling with my health, I was so excited. And going back to like not being able to meet him right away, we this is related, I promise.

we ended up postponing my youngest's birthday party. It was supposed to be on her actual birthday, which was the 27th. She turned four, which is insane. but I had been so ill. I have been having constant flare cycles, where it's just days and days and days of sickness. And I am currently in one right now, but feeling okay enough.

And being supported enough to be able to sit here and record with you. But anyway, I we postponed the birthday party. We were supposed to meet my nephew that day because my sister in law was feeling good. Everyone was feeling good. She wanted to come to the party. when we canceled the party,

My in-laws and everyone, we even tried to say, like, hey, we like, let's get together anyway. And my husband and I really had to set a clear boundary, like, Chelsea is not well. My husband has been burnt to a crisp being a caretaker and a father. We really needed to sort of collect ourselves. And I even said, like, to my husband, I was like, Hey, if you and the girls want to go and meet him.

I will be really, really sad because I really want to share in that joy, but I don't want to deprive your family of this experience just because I'm experiencing a health challenge. ultimately everything worked out. We got it figured out. and we did get to meet him the following weekend. So that brings us back to where PTSD comes into play. So the mental preparation was.

Just kind of a conversation with myself and with my husband about hey, this may bring up some feelings in me. I have held newborns and babies since having my youngest, but to be completely honest, it's been twice and both have been my some of my best friends' babies. and

It did bring up some feelings, but I was able to share in the joy and sort of be in the moment. And even if I started getting little flashes of triggers or anxiety, I I was able to bring myself back to the present. But this was different. This is a family member, and this is a brand new, fresh little baby.

so we just talked about this may bring up some feelings for me. If I'm starting to feel anxious, if I'm starting to feel panic, if I'm starting to experience a flashback, like I will signal to you, there's a room in the house where we were where I can go and sort of collect myself and then come back. I said my main goal is.

Is that I do not want to take away from or impact this experience because of my mental health. I want this to be joyful because I am full of joy and we are all full of joy. I want this to feel comfortable. I don't want any of the focus to be on me or my mental health. I will handle that. So that was kind of our game plan.

And when we went, it was beautiful. We went for lunch, and my husband and I took turns fighting over holding our nephew, who is just the sweetest little nugget. Both of my girls, this was insane to me. So I have a 10-year-old and a now four-year-old. And my 10-year-old, I just had flashbacks to her holding my niece when she was born. And when my niece was born.

My oldest was the same age as my youngest is now. And so now my ten year old can just hold my nephew, like doesn't need help supporting him. She just she just did it. And it was crazy to me. I mean, she's growing in so many ways. But this was just, I don't know, it was crazy. And then seeing my four-year-old hold him, and I did have to help her, I was taking pictures, and as soon as I would snap a picture, she would

Almost like try to roll him off of her and be like, Can I see the picture? And it's a good thing I had my hands on him because I was like, Whoa, whoa, whoa, you can't put him down. but realizing that my baby is not a baby anymore, that was kind of one of the first things that started making me feel a little activated. And I think that that is triggering in terms of triggering emotion.

I think that that's normal and that's common for any parent to see your littlest be not the littlest anymore. but it also for me just seeing her hold him, it snapped my brain back. And I was like, I don't have I can't remember you being this small. I don't and then it sort of evolved as as our time together went on. And it wasn't the whole time.

It was just glimpses and I worked so hard on using my DBT skills, but I would be holding him while everyone else was eating. So I was alone with him in the in the other room. And I would just hold his little hand and he would just look at me and and I would start to have these thoughts in my head, like I don't I never knew my youngest's cues. I didn't know her.

Hunger cries from her tired cries. I didn't know how she liked to be held. I didn't know how to soothe her when she was gassy. I didn't know her routine because when I was here, I was too ill and mostly in my bed I couldn't get out of bed, or I was hospitalized and I just wasn't here for it. So for the first six months.

I wasn't an active participant in her daily routine. I was here for some of it and I and I did some of it, but I don't have any memory of it. And then for the next two months, adjusting to being back home and therapy and whatnot, like those memories are still incredibly hazy because I was so focused on

using my DBT skills to stay present and to stay well and to sort of adjust and get back to baseline. So those it just kind of hit me in those moments when I was seeing him or when I would hear him cry a certain way and I would tell my sister in law, like, I think he's hungry. It looks like he's rooting. So I think he's hungry. But yeah, it just brought a lot back. But mostly it was just so soothing.

Holding babies has always been so soothing for me.

Being around babies has always been incredibly calming for me. So it was so nice to just sit with him and and just experience that time with him. And then it ended up one way or another, that when we were leaving, my kids decided that they were going to hang out a little longer. So they stayed with my in laws and

They got to hang out with their cousins for a little bit longer. And my husband and I drove home. And I don't think we got even like three minutes down the road. And my husband just asked me, like, How did that feel? Are you okay? And I started the conversation totally fine. I was like, Yeah, I'm okay. I'm okay. There were a couple of times where some things got to me and I just kind of kept talking. And then all of a sudden,

From being totally like fine, totally a hundred percent fine. I just started crying, like really crying, and I kept saying, like, I'm really sorry. And he's like, You don't have to apologize. He just held my hand and I expressed to him what I said to you. Like, I just I don't have these memories. And he goes, Chelsea, I don't have a lot of

These I don't have a lot of memories of her being a newborn either. Like I said, I know, I know, but like yours are like normal because it's like exhaustion and lack of sleep. And like I obviously don't remember specific moments of my oldest being a baby baby, but I remember I knew her routine. I knew her different cries. I knew when it was time to put her to bed. I had bath day schedules.

Like I knew the whole thing. I was there, even though I had depression and anxiety. I was there. I showed up. I knew her stuff. I knew her. and I didn't have that with my youngest. And I just cried. And he just let me cry. And after a little while, I stopped. I told him, I said, yeah, that I did start having some flashbacks in that moment. Like I

I actively had to bring myself back to the present and remind myself, you're not there anymore. You're so far beyond that. You have a four-year-old who is so freaking attached to you that it drives you cuckoo bananas most days, pretty much every day. but that snuck up on me. So even though I anticipated having a reaction, I thought I'd sailed through it. I thought I did.

Pretty well. I didn't have to take any breaks. And when I was feeling uncomfortable, I was able to bring myself back. And then sort of when you get in the quiet and it's just you and the person that's your person, I I guess it just kind of the veil slipped a little bit. And that's okay. it was uncomfortable and nobody likes crying. That sucked. But I got through it. And

We, you know, we switched things up. We played some games in the car on the way home and listened to some music that we hadn't heard in probably 20 or 25 years. And it ended up being a really good opportunity for connection. And it opened up the door for some conversations that I don't think we've ever had. And it brought us closer together. Not a silver lining, but a product of a situation that

That is still something that I deal with. So that was just that kind of thing will happen to me. It doesn't happen as often as it did in the past. But this was an example of a time where even when I prepared myself and thought that I handled myself well, and I think I did handle myself well, just the overwhelming

just full body reaction, not just crying, but like panic, fear, going back in time in my head. it caught me off guard. And so that does still happen. It happens when I least expect it. Sometimes it happens when I can anticipate it. But that was a very current and relevant example. And

I think that's how I'm going to wrap up the PTSD series because

I am proud of myself. I am proud of myself that I was able to participate in welcoming our nephew to the family and meeting him and sharing that experience with my sister in law and her family and also experience PTSD and be able to.

Continue with my day. Yes, we made adjustments. Yes, it was difficult, but I did it.

So yeah, that is my postpartum PTSD series. So when I talk to you next, who knows? I may jump right into the next series, which I can't remember off the top of my head what it is right now. it may be the brain tumor series. We'll see. There's a lot going on with that too. I also just had another MRI, but not we're not getting we're not going there this week. Well, we'll get there. Anyway.

I'm gonna drink some water. I'm gonna get some rest because I do have support with my kids today. So I need to utilize that. I hope you do something kind for yourself today. And I'll see you next time.