The XO Series: Entry 1 Ep. 5

Welcome to the first entry of The XO series, where I read a random journal entry from my past and expand on it.  No plan, just presence. In this episode, I read an entry from February 2024 titled "Good Start," reflecting on inner growth, changing habits, and the quiet power of keeping promises to yourself. Honest, soft, and gently revealing. This is what the XO Series is all about.

Transcript

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Hello, I'm Emily Johnson, and this is the XO Series, where I read entries from my journal, lost, growing, or quietly surviving, an ode to the past and little whispers to the future. These are pieces of me, once scribbled in silence, now spoken out loud, with little honesty, tenderness, and always an XO. I'm currently sitting by the lake. here in Dallas, White Rock Lake. It's 10 minutes away from my house, which I have never actually taken full advantage of. And it's funny because I feel like I spend so much time complaining about not being so close to the beaches or the mountains anymore. Like when I lived in Charlotte, as if it was something I was doing every weekend, which I wasn't. So it's, I don't know. I've just kind of started... shifting my perspective I guess and thinking like why am I complaining about not being close to the beach when I have this lake that's so close to me that I can go and spend time at and so that's exactly what I've been doing I've been coming out here I mean I wouldn't say every day but a lot of the time by myself and it's honestly just such a vibe I was even out here yesterday and this girl comes over to me and she says you're just such a vibe over there just chilling doing your thing it's nice to see and I'm just like wow that's that's sweet um um but yeah I mean it just feels so good to come out here and vibe out on my own um and I never really thought about micing myself up while sitting out here because I thought just the sound of everything around me would be picked up too much as opposed to like my enclosed space at home um but you know this podcast is about figuring things out as I go along so I figured why not try to see what I could gain from this. But funny thing is I was talking to my best friend earlier today and she was saying, you know what you should do? You should, maybe read like one of your journal entries every now and then and i was like that is so funny because on an episode that me and my friend alexia recorded uh the other day i had mentioned that that's exactly what i want to do i want to go back and just like randomly start reading um journal entries and kind of just let it be a free flowing thing because i don't want to go and pick a specific one and kind of know what is said i think it would be cool to address I don't know, I guess to just expose my vulnerability when it comes to just saying whatever it is that I am going to read. I don't know. This is so crazy because I'm kind of nervous to just see, especially because I want to start further back. Like, I don't want to do something that I wrote, you know, last week. I want to kind of go down, you know, maybe like... when I first moved here or around you know that era maybe a couple years I don't know I'm still figuring this out we'll see how it how it goes but I thought that it would be a cool thing to call like a cool little segment called Dear Diary even though I don't address my journal entries as Dear Diary it always kind of switches up sometimes I say like day one depending on what I'm doing, or I'll start with like a word and try to focus on that. Or I'll be like, Hey, M, I don't know. It just, it kind of always changes. Um, I think lately my journal entries have started with let's check in and that's kind of just me saying whatever it is I feel like saying, um, which honestly any of all of my journal entries are pretty much just me saying whatever I want to say. Um, but okay, I'm going to scroll down. I'm going to see, by the way, I use this cool app. It's called direly. I think that's what it's called. um but it's a free app on the computer and it just makes you or it just is like an organized way to journal and i used to physically write down my journal entries um but then i wanted to just become a better typer so i was like let me just type all my journal entries and that's what kind of got me into getting that app and then whatever um but anyways let us see okay i'm scrolling scrolling scrolling good start okay this is February 27th, 2024. And it starts as good start. I listened to a few podcasts yesterday from Jim Fortin and they were catered to the new topic I'm working on for my podcast about who I am. I figured since the other topic I was struggling with, I maybe needed to just take a little break from that one and change directions. I'm glad I decided to do that because it was a little easier for me to start a flow. In one of the podcasts I listened to yesterday, Jim talked about the importance of sitting in silence and quieting the mind. It's kind of hard to do But I want to master that because even though I'm frequently meditating, I feel like lately my mind hasn't really been calm or quiet. I was supposed to have a doctor's appointment yesterday that was canceled, and I think it was for a reason. I've been going back and forth with the idea to get off birth control, and yesterday I would have needed to get more, but I think since I didn't go, I decided I should try to start the process of getting off of it. I hit a plateau with my weight loss, and I think I was starting to get a little discouraged naturally, but today the scale went down again, so I'm happy to see a small change in that. I know that not every day is going to be perfect, I started my day with a healthy breakfast and before noon I'm going to make my way to the gym to do my final day of the four week strength program I started this month. Next month, I'm going to incorporate more than just strength by doing some cardio a few times a week. I'm excited for the habits I've set out to do next month and look forward to getting started on something new. Taking advantage of building myself up confidently by doing inner work and letting it show on the outside. I want to be seen as glowing, emitting a radiance that shines so bright and shows me and others how much work I'm doing on the inside out. I love this little life of mine. And even on the days that don't feel so great, I'm truly proud to be where I am today. XOXOXOXO. Oh my gosh. Wow. Okay. Like I said, that was February 2024. And the irony of not only me talking about my podcast in that entry because as I had mentioned in another episode that this was something I kind of put on hold for a minute but also that I feel like I'm still kind of consistently doing the things that I was talking about here and ironically I'm sitting outside where I guess I was when I wrote this entry and I I don't know. That was fun. That was fun to kind of go back and read. I feel like sometimes I do that every now and then, but I guess I don't really think about it. I just kind of do it and then kind of scroll to another one and like read that. But yeah, maybe I should go back and listen to another Jim Fortin podcast because I haven't done that in a while. And it is funny because I do want to– create an episode about who I am, but not necessarily just talking about who I am, kind of talking about like who we are and how you interpret like who you are. I don't know. It's the way I have it in my outline. I feel like it would be a fun discussion. I might try to do that episode with a friend. But yeah, life's still good. I do love this little life of mine. I think even on the hard days, I really do try to appreciate all all the things. And it's not always easy, but just keep on keeping on is the goal. I think in this transition of mine and figuring out I think I've mentioned before what my life purpose is. It really has been fun to explore new things and create new relationships and even be even more vulnerable and open with the relationships I have. And I think it's such a beautiful thing because so many of my friends give me that same kind of energy. And I think it just further proves that what you give, you get. I had kept starting my podcast on the hush like I really wasn't openly talking about it I mean a few friends here and there knew about it but overall, I mean, it was less than five people. And so I think over time now that I've, you know, I'm really starting to make progress with it and feel more comfortable talking about it just because there's so much progress made within it. It's just been really nice to have friends support or encouragement or just advice. I mean, there's so many different people that I've talked to recently who have just given me such good insight. And I don't know, I just really appreciate the time and effort that people take to show that they care about something that I care about. And I think that's important in any kind of relationship. And I go to say that because I also want to do a episode on friendships. And one of my buddies actually just sent me a huge, or I guess it was like a very lengthy reply to one of the episodes that I let him listen to before I even aired it um I've pre-recorded probably about like four episodes before I've even really gotten any kind of actual feedback um and he was just so curious about it he um I sent him a sample because he asked for it and honestly I was like oh this is kind of you know so raw like no edits no you know intro outro it was just pretty much just a voice recording and it was just so cool to hear him give me his perspective from it um and just to be completely like vulnerable with me about you know what he thought of it and how he felt motivated and it was engaging and I just thought that was such great feedback because that is the goal of what I want to do with this podcast. And then he wanted to hear another episode with one of my friends and I sent him that and he gave me great feedback on that. So just like, it gets me excited to kind of know that more people will eventually be telling me their thoughts and I can, you know, move accordingly just based off of what they want to hear, what they liked or what they didn't like. But yeah, I mean, he gave me episode ideas. He expanded on them and it was just really cool to just kind of have someone, you know, match your energy. And this is like, I don't know, it just makes me cherish all my friendships. Like I've mentioned, I really do value connections at any kind of, you know, degree. I love the connections I make with, you know, a stranger in the grocery store, my Uber driver, whoever it is. I mean, I just think they're so important to create. So I think once you started to build a foundation with someone and then it becomes, you something even greater over time it just makes you appreciate it that much more and so I'm so thankful for you know the friendships I have who really kind of work on being just such a good friend and because it helps me become a good friend too but um yeah I think that I need to figure out what I want to call my little journal reading episodes and moving forward, I don't think I'll get so distracted on talking about everything else, but I'm just trying it, you know, and I think, like I said, and we'll probably always reiterate that this is something I'm figuring out too. And I don't know, I'm just kind of trying to go with the flow with it. Also, I have been struggling with this job opportunity that came with came to me um and i don't know if i am gonna accept the offer or not and it's kind of been weighing on me that i can't figure out if i should like i can't figure out if i'm resisting it because i'm scared to get uncomfortable again or if i'm just not meant to take this opportunity um so i sat out here and i was like meditating on it and it just nothing was really coming to me i think that at first i was telling myself no but again i couldn't tell like if that was you know the devil on my shoulder or you know my actual intuition and i don't know i just kept seeing like a smiley face like every time i closed my eyes or my eyes were closed but i just kept seeing a smiley face pop up and obviously i love smiley faces but that is like the brand of my podcast. So I almost kind of took it as, should I just focus on my podcast? I mean, obviously this isn't like where I'm making money, but like, and I need my job, but I do have a job right now. So it's not like I'd be, you know, left in the wilderness, but I don't know. I'm having a hard time figuring that out. And sometimes I like to use meditation to really dig deep and, you know, listen to whatever is trying to say, listen to whatever I'm trying to say I guess I don't know but it didn't really happen yet so I don't know I feel still so just kind of uneasy trying to figure it out but I know it'll come I know I will soon know or whatever something will occur that makes me realize okay this is what I'm supposed to be doing but in the meantime I'm just out here chilling feeling the breeze listening to the birds it feels good it feels good to feel good like i mentioned before it really does and so i'm just out here feeling good doing things that make me feel better and living my best life for now so i hope whoever's listening to this is able to do the same i hope you enjoyed my little journal entry that was raw um and moving forward maybe i'll get some more feedback on how i can go about episodes like that but yeah i just thought there was no plan to this i just kind of was sitting out here and thought i'm gonna try to record and see what it sounds like so Who knows? This might go somewhere. It might not. But anyways, have a good day. Thank you for listening to this little piece of me. Remember to always hold space for who you were. Stay open to who you're becoming and honor your softness as strength. As always, till next time, XOXO.