EP6: Cutting people off does not have to be a "bad thing"

EPISODE #6! In today’s episode, I talk about boundaries and my experience with having to cut family members off. Sometimes the best thing we can do is cut people off. I share the shame and guilt that comes with cutting people off and how to not let that stop you when you know that is the best thing for you and them. Reframing the term cutting people off in a way that can relay love, not hate.

 Podcast mentioned in this episode:

Out Of Our Mind Podcast

https://youtu.be/OmCnMf2dikU?si=8AeGXctbsGN6lxtc

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@ hannah_mae_snyder

YouTube: @TheFluidityPodcast

Transcript

0:04

Hello friends Welcome to episode number six of the fluidity podcast. My name is Hannah and Thank you for being here, all right guys, so today's episode I just wanted to let myself flow here Not be super restrictive just see what comes through but I do have a topic that I do want to start with and I may stay on this topic or it might take its own route. We'll, we will see. But what's really been coming up for me is, in this past week especially, is boundaries. Boundaries with especially family members and people that, yeah, that are blood related. To let go of the shame and the guilt behind having to cut people off that are in your family. And. If that is the best thing for you, then that's the best thing for you. And, really feeling into not letting other people's perception of your decision, in my case, perceptions of other people's perceptions of my decision, not letting those stop me from what I know. It's best for me not letting fear get in the way of living our fucking best life. So I ended up knowing what my podcast this week was going to be in the middle of last week, because all this stuff started coming up around boundaries and I've been dealing with. The, I was contemplating the decision of cutting off a family member, cutting off a family member or not. And that's been about two years now. And I made the decision to cut off some family members or in particular one family member probably about three, almost four months now, like right around when I decided to go sober. It was right around that time. Anyway, I made the decision, but last week, a lot of stuff around that started coming up again. And a lot of the old like guilts and shame and feeling bad kind of came up and yeah, I knew I wanted to do this podcast around that. And I was listening to a new podcast called Out of Our Mind with Nikki and Bella. Love them. I didn't have the quote yet for the podcast, but I knew, like I knew the or what I wanted to talk about. And I was just watching a random episode of theirs. And at the end of it, it literally touched on everything that I want to talk about today and it like opened my eyes up to a lot and just confirmed of what I was feeling, confirmed what I was feeling in the way that they expressed it. And it was like, they said it in such clear words and clear, with such clarity, that's what I was looking for, with such clarity that it just, it really gave me confirmation that I really am on the right path. And to not let other people's or, what they think get in the way of what I truly know. And the only one that can know that is me. And I don't once, and I'm still working on this, but once you let go of needing other people's approval for your decisions, It starts to become more clear and you start to get more confidence every time to choose yourself and listen to your intuition and not listen to other people outside of you. Anyway, I got carried away already, you guys, that happens a lot. So the quote today was from the podcast, Out of Our Mind with Nikki and Bella. I'm just going to state the quote that really stuck with me that I think will serve this podcast and really help us dive a little bit deeper into this topic. Sometimes, the highest form of love is being able to accept someone else's journey of learning certain lessons and letting them go down the path they are meant to. Nikki said, I believe it was Nikki who said that, what she said there is how I was trying to explain it. She just said it in such clear words. And sometimes people are better at wording things than us, but that was deep down like how I felt about this family member I knew that was my intention and that's why I was being drawn to cut this person off. But Um, we let society, other people, like I said, tell us that we're wrong and tell us that we're doing it for a reason that we're not. And honestly, I think it comes down to fear of, Fear of what's going to happen if you do that and fear of being wrong and fear of, yeah, just fear of looking like a bitch or or, being lonely and just all the things really. Yep. So with that being said, I would love to give you all some context to this and hopefully this can help you as well. And it's funny not, this isn't just happening in my life. Like I see it with multiple people around me. This theme of people in their family, bringing them down and thinking that like we have to save our family and family can do whatever they want to you. They can disrespect you. They can make you feel like shit they can do whatever and they get a hall pass because They're your family and they're blood and I will not accept that just because you are blood related and you grew up together doesn't give you a hall pass to disrespect me. And yeah, so I think we just get caught in this loop of this conditioning that we have to save our family members and that's our duty and that's what we're on this planet to do is save our family members and sacrifice ourself really but that is not true And I think that's why we feel like we have to save our family members because we do love them Obviously, we have a lot of love for them but that doesn't mean we have to sacrifice us and let other people disrespect us just because they're Family to me is people that stand by you who lift you up, who also give to you as much as you give to them. Like it's a give and receive, every relationship. And if you're in relationships that are only one sided, you're giving to them, you're loving them, you're doing all these things, and you're getting nothing back. They're actually taking from you and they're depleting you They aren't doing the work themselves to better their life to better their relationship with you If they're not doing any of those and you're doing everything It is abandonment to yourself and honestly to them because you're saying, it's okay if you treat me like this. It's okay if you treat yourself like this and I'm just going to stand here and tell you that it's okay. That's not love. Sometimes love is, has to be tough and sometimes they have to be faced with their demons and you don't have to stay there. And have your, your sanity, your mental health go down with them. Everyone is responsible for themselves and you cannot put someone on your back and carry them their whole life. At some point they have to take responsibility for their actions, the way they show up in the world. And if they're not doing the work, like I said, they're not doing the work and trying to evolve. and you are and you're rising and they're just staying there. They're sinking lower. You can't take them with you. They have to decide that for themselves. And that quote really says it very simply, sometimes the highest form of love is letting them do the work themselves and you stepping away sometimes the lessons we have to learn in life are not the easiest and that's why we try to push them to the side and not try to learn them because they're hard and they're painful and they're uncomfortable and we try to grasp onto people, things to distract us from that and, um, blame other people, blame everything in life, but look at ourselves and say, what am I doing to create this in my life? I got a little bit of a rant there, but I did want to give you guys some context to this situation. Maybe this can help you. I have a family member who, is an alcoholic and they have been killing themselves for years. It's probably about six years now. And for the first couple years, everyone in the family just brushed it under the rug. They, this person went to the hospital multiple times because of drinking, almost died multiple times because of drinking. And every time it's like a pattern and they keep going back to it and back to it. And a lot of us in the family, primarily my sisters, try to help this person and, do everything we can to help them and. At the end of the day, they have to help themselves, and they were not, and they were taking everyone down with them, not taking responsibility for their actions or their life, and to sit there and watch someone kill themselves, slowly, and pretend like they don't have a problem, That's not love, sitting there and trying to help them and push them and want them to, you can want someone to change and To heal But unless they want to do that for themselves Honestly, you're not helping. You can give them love and you can give them support, but you can't do it for them. And that's what I had to learn because me pushing and trying to get them to see what I was seeing and trying to get them to stop, drinking and like all these things. And then them. Not taking my advice and not really wanting to Help themselves. It was hurting me. It was really bringing me down with them and I kept trying this for years and You know a couple times I did try to cut this person off and some people in my family made me feel So bad about it that I was abandoning them and so I tried to do it twice, it didn't work out. Now this last time, and I've done a lot of work on myself, I've done a lot of work on my life, and it was not easy to then have this person still in my life treating themselves and me the way they were, it was a slap in the face to me. Every time I was on around this person I felt just You could feel it. I could feel like I just felt uneasy. I was not about to sit there and pretend like everything was okay when it was not. And it just was putting a pause on my healing and bringing me a lot of anger and a lot of stress and a lot of things that. things to heal. And I think a lot of us are very empathic and we feel other people's hurt and sometimes we take on other people's emotions and feelings and try to heal them through us and we can't do that. We can't take on other people's emotions and sometimes we get so lost in their emotions and It's an emotion pool when we're with them and it's just, it's not a good space to be in. You are who you hang out with, who you are with. I did a lot of work on myself and realized the times that I was unhappy and the times that I was feeling really low and just not well was when I was with this person. And so I decided to cut them off and it was not out of hate. There's a difference between cutting someone off and saying that they're worthless and they're nothing and you don't want them in your life because you hate them. That's a different thing. I was cutting this person off because I love them and I believe that they need to heal for themselves and they need to really take a deep look into why they are afraid to heal and just they have their own things to deal with and I cannot heal that for them. People need to go on their own journey and do it for themselves and not because I was pushing them to do it and until they want to heal and love themselves I also believe that showing someone that you're not gonna stand by and let them Treat themselves a certain way and you're not gonna you're not gonna settle for that shows a lot of You Love even though they can't, even though they can't see that. I think it takes a lot of love to Cut somebody off in that way it shows a lot of trust that you have in them I'm saying I trust you to deal with this to work it out yourself. When you know that you're worthy of more in your life, and that goes for the people that you surround yourself, the energies the relationships, the everything. You are telling the universe that you know you deserve more when you cut people off that are not giving you that. But when you let people walk all over you, when you let people treat you a certain way or even treat themselves a certain way, that shows the universe that you're okay with that. The world gives you, the universe gives you what you are, not what you want. So I am now seeing that as well. A lot of things in my life are now shifting and I feel a lot more love and compassion towards myself because I wasn't settling for people in my life not doing the work and not choosing themselves and not choosing a relationship over alcohol. Over, truly living a great life and truly here to evolve and do that with people who equally share that mission and that view. And it's hard when it's your family, If people want to have their perceptions of what you choose and think that you're mean and think that you're a bitch, that, it's rude, then that's on them. But that doesn't have to be your reality. You get to choose it. And if you know why you're doing something, and if it's out of love for yourself, then that is the best option because doing something because you feel bad for somebody, doing something because you think you should, It's not the way we're meant to live this has been very present in my life the last couple years. Like honestly, a lot of pain and a lot of guilt and just feeling shameful that I wanted to cut this person off. And I kept thinking like, am I a bad person for not wanting this person in my life? Is that, does that make me wrong? And I was contemplating for so long and I was looking for other people's validation of I'm right? Like I'm. I should be able to do this. And then going back and being like if I was really a nice person, I would just suck up my feelings and put them first, but no, putting yourself first and filling your cup up and making sure that your energy and the people you're surrounding yourself with is. Lifting you up is the number one thing. And I definitely got caught in letting other people tell me how to live my life. And I think this is a theme of this podcast. I'm realizing, authentic means doing what you know, deep down in your heart is best for you and showing that off and not doing something because you're fearful of what other people are going to say or how it's going to affect other people. If your intention is pure. And then that's love for yourself or for others, then you're in the right headspace. You can't always be thinking of others when you make decisions like, is this going to affect them? It's going to affect them. And sometimes, the quote says in the beginning, sometimes love is tough, sometimes the best thing we can do is let people go and let them go on their journey and learn the lessons those are going to be painful and uncomfortable, but that's how they're going to grow and evolve and if we love them, we have to let them go through that and not try to save them or the world. We are, we're here in this avatar to make sure this. Person is the best, the most evolved, the most authentic person and shine our light so other people's can shine theirs. We can't shine someone else's light for them. That's not our job. Not our job. Everyone is in charge of their own journey and their own healing journey and their own everything. And we can be there to support them. Hell yeah, but we're not meant to do it for them. And I think that's where we get caught up and where the lines get very blurred, especially with family. So the reason why this came up was, the family member that I had to cut off, or that I chose to cut off, came back into my life trying to reach out and things like that, and, um, another person in my family cut this person off as well, and they came to me feeling really guilty because she did not want to invite our family member that we cut off to this event that she was having but she started feeling very guilty and feeling bad about it. And she came to me and was like, I need your advice. Should I invite her? Should I not? Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And I got into. Like I started to get in that energy again of is this the right thing? Are we doing the right thing? It came back up and after a lot of deep thinking and reflecting and again, just gotten those not great emotions. And then I was thinking, and then I went on a walk as I do a lot walking is great for clearing the mind, thinking, letting, just things come up and I feel like it was my higher self talking to me, just reminding me that I was just right in my decision and. Life I think life sends you tests and I think this was a test because I was feeling really bad and was like almost gonna tell my sister like yeah, just invite them But then I went on a walk and I was like, you know what? No and I did tell her like it's your choice but like I want to be strong in this and not let my fear get in the way and that's what I was doing was getting being fearful of looking like a bitch. And so I just went on a walk and I had this realization that if this person I cut off, if they were not my family, Like in my blood related family and they treated me the way they did they treated themselves the way they did Anything if this person was not in my immediate family, I would have cut them off Years ago, and I wouldn't have thought twice about it. I wouldn't have felt bad Because you don't let people in your life that tear you down. You hopefully you don't I know. I'm just now getting to the point where I don't do that. But yeah, in the first and four years ago, yeah, I had a lot of people in my life that teared me down and I let that happen. I let people disrespect me because I didn't respect myself. When I asked myself that question, would I let this person in my life if they were not my immediate family? No, I would not. So I know, so right then I knew that fear was trying to make its way back in. But I said no, you don't sacrifice yourself. I feel like that's an old way of looking at life, like you have to sacrifice yourself for everybody else. But there's another option. We choose ourselves. And we choose ourself everyone else can come as well Like we don't need to have that lack mindset of if I win they don't or if they win I don't like why can't we all win? Why can't we all love? Why can't we all be our best self? We can we need to stop believing that it's one or the other living in lack is thinking that if you succeed others can't or if others succeed you can't and that goes with love that goes with everything So I, long story short, I told my sister, we're not one, we're doing this out of love for ourselves, but also for this other person. Because if we. We let our boundaries down and if we, just say, Oh yeah, we feel bad. We're going to let, we're going to invite this person to this, even though we said we're not doing that until, they work on themselves, they get themselves help. We chose to not have them in our life. And if we go back on that, we're saying we're excusing everything. We're saying everything's okay. That the way you treat yourself and others are, is accepted and is. It's also saying that we don't believe you can change. And that's not true. I know this person can change. Everyone has the capacity to change because we're all one big, huge family. We are all one we all have the capacity to level up and become more of our authentic self. And I do believe that we are all born for greatness, and we're all put in this planet for a reason, and we are so much more than this body. Once we realize that, a whole Realm of opportunities and realities open up. I think these lessons are there to teach us that, but if we just keep pushing the lessons to the side we're never going to get to where we want to go. So this is also why I believe cutting people off is not only beneficial to you, but for them because they then. I have a pattern interrupt pushes them to evolve without you having to do anything. Your time is so precious, and for a long time I was fearful of being alone, so I let anybody and everybody in my life, no matter how they treated me, I didn't see another way, but I see so clearly now that anybody, everybody on this planet is our family. And there are so many people out there for us that want to see us succeed and be there for us. And sometimes, a certain period in your life, sometimes that's not your immediate family. That's not your, the people that you grew up with. And there's nothing wrong with that. You still love them. I still love my family member that, I cut off. And I know that they can do better for themselves. And I will not let my fear or guilt or any of that, Stop me from doing the decision. I know is best for me and that person, so yeah, guys you do you, you're here to be awesome. And there was also another quote that I heard recently that I know I say this all the time, but I really do love it because it's so simple and it was truth is often quite simple. Lies are complex. Woo! You can easily do this with yourself. If you're in your head and, you're like contemplating two different things, what is simple? The most simple that has been coming, that has been coming online for me a lot this week of realizing the truth and knowing the truth. But then I feel like, at least for me, I'm like, no, the truth has to be so complex and so it doesn't, the truth is so simple, it's the lies that are complex, the lies that we tell ourselves, or have all these avenues and these stories and I don't know why I wanted to end on that, but I thought that quote was really well, really great. And. Just keep that in the back of your head, truth is simple lies are complex So that also made me realize with just going back on like, cutting this person off or feeling bad it's what is simple I Want more for my life and I feel better When this person's not in my life for right now because they need to work on themselves like that's simple The more complex thing is oh, they might hate me I do it like when you start questioning and downing yourself. That's usually You The lies trying to pull you away from your truth and we have the choice to not let that shit happen alright guys. Thank you so much for tuning in episode number six I appreciate everyone that's watching It has been a pleasure speaking to you. If any of this resonated with you, please comment, subscribe, like the video, all the things. I also linked my Instagram in the show notes. I'm also going to link. The podcast with Nikki and Bella that I was talking about because they're awesome. I'll link that in the show notes And yeah, I just I had fun this week feel a little bit more chill I got my feet up. Happy Tuesday or whatever day you're listening to this on Stay kind. Bye guys