The Fluidity Podcast

EP8: INTEGRATION- Choosing a new path when the shadow arises

• Hannah Snyder • Season 1 • Episode 8

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In this week’s episode I dive into what the integration process looked like for me. We sometimes have shadows in our subconscious that we didn’t even know were there. Often, they take time and awareness (maybe a little trial and error) to integrate these parts of us. You can’t fail at this if you never give up. And your higher self won’t let you anyway because you are on this path which just shows you are ready for it!

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Website mentioned in the show- https://grateful.org/resource/discovering-wholeness-through-integration/

 

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that's the expectation of I'm never going to have emotions. or feelings that are deep and dark they are what make us human and realizing that They're literally not who we are. They're what we're experiencing. And that's what it means to be alive It changed the game We're always going to have emotions, literally always the way we relate to them is how we integrate Hello. Hello. Happy Tuesday, y'all. Welcome back to the fluidity podcast. So today is episode eight. I know the last episode, I think I said the last episode on the accent. It was eight, but no, this is number eight. And thank you for joining me again. Today is going to be on a topic that I have been living and breathing the last week. I would say two weeks, but the last week, it really was. Noticeable what was actually happening and I'm not going to lie. It has been rough, but in a good way, like in a very expansive way. But yeah, just going through it, you know going through the dark patches But we all need the dark to see the light. So yeah, I do want to talk about it a little bit I always feel very called to talk about this especially since I just kind of I'm getting on the other side I'm still working through some stuff but it's definitely what I'm about to talk about has definitely really helped me this week to really see how to You Integrate the shadow or the, you know, the things I've been learning about myself, how to integrate those into my life and not just have these realizations and just not live by them. I also have always heard of you have to integrate, you have to integrate. whatever, integrate your spiritual awakening, and I always heard people say the integration process. And I honestly never really understood what that meant. Like at all, it seemed very daunting to me. And yeah, I just it's felt like something that like, this huge process that like, you can't do alone. I don't know. I don't know what I thought. And honestly, I think I was just too scared to even explore it more. Cause I don't think I was in the right. I don't think I was, it was the right time for me. But now. This was definitely brought to me at a very, very good time to learn how to integrate and learn how to alchemize and bring all these shadows into the light and how to live with them. And yeah, so I know last week we talked about my shadow and a little bit about a realization I had around we already are our highest self. There's just baggage on top of it that make us believe that we're not that high, higher self. And. The stories can be so convincing, legit so convincing that you don't see the lies that your subconscious is telling you. And these lies have been ingrained, some have been ingrained since we were born, and some obviously we picked up, but they've been there. So to think that you can live a life without these stories it seems unfathomable, it seems crazy. Like not attainable, but it is it just takes the thought and it takes action behind it to Make it a reality So guys today Quote is One that I have been pondering And it really, I feel really called to like subconscious work, honestly. And some of you might know Carl Young. He is big in this department and the quote is from him today. And he says, until you make the unconscious conscious, it will rule your life. And you will call it fate. i've heard this quote before multiple times. I did not realize the Validity and the truth to it until the last two weeks, if i'm being honest, I could say oh I get it. I get it. But no now i'm like I get it and you're like how could this my subconscious rule over me? Like I know it won't I know myself and And the thing is, it's so good that you don't even know it's there, you don't even know it's talking to you all the time until you actually really do listen to your thoughts. And sometimes the thoughts aren't even like that loud, they're more in the background. But once you like, really understand and once you really bring awareness to them, you can start to see how much they're dictating the way you live your life and the way that you feel day to day. I Was always trying to be super positive with my thoughts and whatnot and my emotions like I would feel an emotion come up and I thought that I was you know feeling it and letting it be, but I was judging the shit out of it. I was judging myself for feeling emotions, feeling certain emotions when I thought I was supposed to be this way. I'm supposed to feel this way. I was putting expectations on how I thought I was supposed to feel or how emotions are supposed to be, but it's so abstract that, we're fight we're fighting an uphill battle at that point when we have expectations for things that we can't describe in words. I hope that's landing and making sense to you guys. But essentially what I was doing was, and it took a lot. To realize what I was doing. I was seeing these things and just like blocking myself off for them. Like I'd be like, okay Yeah, I feel it. I feel it. Yeah, I hear it. I hear it Yeah, but let me just i'm just gonna slap a positive a positive mindset a positive thing right on top of it And it will just go away and I thought that was like accepting it and being with it, but really it was resisting it and In a way it was resisting it in a very clever way that I Wasn't even realizing I was doing I? Deep down was so scared to feel these emotions because I was judging them I was judging these emotions thinking that they're wrong for me to feel them And if I felt them that mean that would have a story that would mean something about me like it would Validate the story that I was so scared of believing and seeing it would validate all my doubts it would it Yeah, so me accepting and really seeing these emotions and feeling what they had to say I Was scared that would mean something about me and even when I did feel these things I would you know, say I was accepting them, quote unquote, or being with them or loving them, but I was really still judging them. Like I was still judging it. I feel like my subconscious was still judging it and I wasn't being honest about that. So these feelings kept coming up because I was still shoving them down and really not looking at them. And it is a process to really make the unconscious conscious to see that these things are not you. And that they are stories that you have been believing about yourself for a long time that are so embedded that they don't even feel that they just feel like you. So they don't even feel like something to detach from. Like I had these feelings and these emotions that felt so much like me that I almost felt like I couldn't detach because it was just like, I was so close to it. And when you're so close to it, it feels so real and you believe it wholeheartedly. So you. Like just shut it down even more because you don't want to you don't want to give fuel to the fire But when you change your mindset and see it and say I'm not feeling the fire because these aren't me I am letting this part of me come up and out and let it talk and See where it's coming from and know that I don't have to associate or Relate to this and make this say something about me once you truly accept it and you don't I feel like I'm gonna backtrack here so when I was saying that I was accepting it, I wasn't I was accepting it and Trying to change the emotion. I was trying to make it When faced with so much adversity and no one can help you take the opportunity to make And it's important because it should blankets a little of the experimentation and stuff as well. You need to let them know it's still there, if they know I have the talent. I'm even going to try with a 95 percent chance of piles of garbage that run off of it. Make me feel better about the emotion to really sit with it and like really feel it and have all those negative thoughts and beliefs that come up and even write them down and like just sit with it and don't try and change it or transmute it just be with it and Love what is coming up and that takes a lot of courage to do that because you want to blame it and you want to make it wrong and you want to say, I'm not supposed to be feeling these things. These are feelings of someone that's weak and that has problems and whatever story you're telling yourself. That was what I was telling myself, but that's the expectation of I'm never going to have emotions. or feelings that are deep and dark because people that are doing amazing shit and who are more evolved than me or more spiritual like they don't have these thoughts. They don't have these emotions, which is bullshit. They are what make us human and realizing that They're literally not who we are. They're what we're experiencing. And that's what it means to be alive It changed the game like it really did and made me bring up my shadow even more made me realize What my psyche has been? has been doing what it's been up to and Why like it made me see what it was holding me back from and I just want to read something to another quote about it Like what it means to integrate your shadow and I will give an example of how I did this because I think it will Just give you some context because I know people would always tell me how to integrate but like I was like, I like it I like examples. That's how I learn. I like examples and things to inspire me The integration process is so unique to you. So you really have to play around and like intuitively see what you need But yeah, I feel like context will help. It definitely helped me when I was going through this. Anyway, sorry back to the quote I'm talking about integration. Wholeness is an integration of all the parts, even the ones we prefer to keep bound in the shadows. You and I are not the things we regret, the things that we wish we could change, or the things that happen to us. They do not define us because they are not the whole. However, these parts are significantly important to the whole. You And one more thing on that and I will link this website talking about integration in the show notes, but they also said, we need to acknowledge, embrace, and integrate our parts into who we are each and every day. It is in the integration process that we discover meaning and the experience of being alive. So basically the integration process is seeing the shadows, seeing the things that we have been pushing down, seeing the emotions we've been trying not to feel because in my case I was trying not to feel them because I was making them mean something about me. If I felt these things or if I let, if these emotions were coming up, if these thoughts were coming up, that must mean like I am those things. Like consciously you can believe you can hear people say oh, you're not your thoughts. You're not your thoughts But until you go in and you do it yourself You won't Understand the process so it is hard to do it But once you learn and like you really get comfortable with doing it putting in the reps It really does make a huge freaking difference and it really shows you what your shadow has been telling you And what's been lurking in the shadows that has been, like, knocking on the door for you to look at. So I'll go into, my experience with this. Like I told you guys last week a little bit about the shadow of just not trusting myself, not trusting that I was intuitive or I was creative or I was even my higher self. I, yeah, just truly didn't believe. That I was capable of much, like I really didn't believe that I had a higher intelligence. It's in me or access to it, but it honestly, with everybody, it's always there. It's always present. It's the stories we tell ourself that keep us from tapping into that. And so this has been a really big block for me for a long time. And I realized it was my head and my heart being in opposition. So there weren't in, they weren't coherent with each other. So that's why a lot of the. Anxiety would come up. A lot of the doubt would come up because my head, my subconscious was feeding me thoughts and beliefs that were not true while my heart is pulling me and sending me guidance and sending me intuition hits and of what I truly want to do. But my mind has almost been like my subconscious almost had been like bullying my heart and my, intuition and quieting it almost. And that's what my shadow was doing behind the scenes of really just like bullying my heart's desires and the divine wisdom that was knocking and trying to get my attention. And honestly, my subconscious was getting louder and louder. So I would look at it so I would see that it was the thing that was blocking the connection between really having that flow of energy that, connects me to my intuition, my creativity that's always there. But again, there was a block because the subconscious beliefs were so rooted and so deep that I was so deep in the story that I didn't even know there was a story being told. Because I was so in it almost like the analogy of You're so deep in the story the lake or the pool in the water and you don't even know that there's Land and trees over here and flowers over here. You're just in The murky water and you are in it and you can't see anything else. So you don't know that there's anything else. And once you see that glimmer of light and see that there is something else and there is something bigger and brighter and more true to who you are, you start to follow it. And this is what will lead you down this path. Anyway, sorry, that was a tangent, but going in about the shadow. When you start to become more of yourself, and become more of who you really are, and start to question all these negative beliefs and things that you thought you believed about yourself, remembering who you are, because your soul is always guiding you. I truly believe that your soul is always guiding you. When you say yes to this, when you start on this journey of self discovery your soul, it gets louder and louder. Things that are, stuck in your body or stuck in your energy field. They start to come up because they don't resonate with you anymore and they don't align with the highest timeline that you are now choosing, because again, it is your choice, my friends. So it's, Realizing that it's a good thing when these things get really loud and they start bubbling because they're like they're ready to be released they're ready to Say peace out. Bye and to realize that's why they're coming up It doesn't mean anything about you that you're doing anything wrong it means that you're doing things right and you're stepping in the right direction and your ego or your shadow is screaming on the way out, if that makes any sense. I did want to tell you the story of, my shadow and a little bit about how I integrated and what that looked like. I had all these stories in the background that were telling me to go against what I knew in my heart, what I couldn't explain in words, like I had these knowings and these things pulling me towards what I really want to do and I have been. Listening to the negative beliefs of, I'm not intuitive, I am wrong, I shouldn't trust myself, I, all the things of you don't know who you are you can't be right, why would you be right, don't trust yourself, like that's basically what was going on in my mind, just like everything I did, oh, you're wrong, you did that wrong, you fucked up, you, Are not tapped into the universe. You're not intuitive. You're just shut out of luck here. That was the bully of my shadow. Once I brought that to the light and really saw it, I realized it was just the younger part of me. Being scared of being wrong and it was holding me back from trusting in my innate wisdom because this little girl in me is just scared shitless to be wrong and to make mistakes and Have that mean something about myself so really the shadow was just trying to keep me safe because the thing it was really scared of was being wrong and Having something having an outcome show me or having an outcome show me that the voices were true So let me reword this. So basically the little girl in me was scared to be wrong to take chances to Really dive in and do it and trust myself because if something bad happened, and it was because I followed my intuition, that would mean that I. Couldn't trust myself. Does that make sense? I'm like saying it out loud for the first time. So all the anxiety I was feeling and all the negative thoughts it, it was coming from love from this little girl who was scared to trust herself and believe in herself because Growing up. She was told over and over again You know, you're not smart, you're incapable, and so to really see that and love this little girl instead of being scared of the emotions and the, all the things behind it. Truly loving that little girl and understanding why she's scared and bringing her on the ride with me instead of shaming that part of myself and shutting that part of myself. down to push her to the side and say, I don't want to hear you right now. Just sit down. Push it to the side and try and ignore her as much as I can and not see These emotions for what they are and how they were impacting my life. I brought her in the light and let her speak. Understanding this part of me and letting her be there and showing This part of me that it's okay We understand why? She feels that way but like we're good now and we don't have to believe those things so the integration process, so let me just before I got to that conclusion yesterday I have been feeling so pulled towards something You And this will come out in time. I'll tell you guys in a little bit and a couple episodes cause it's all very new, but there is an opportunity. I have always wanted to be a coach in the space of spirituality. In the space of just some other things and I have really been shutting myself out of that because I was scared shitless honestly and my shadow was really in the background telling me that I couldn't do it and trying to keep me safe but was a little bit of a bully telling me not to trust myself all these things and so yesterday I was feeling it so so deeply and I had this opportunity to come through I got the most anxiety I have gotten in a long time. I believe that this learning about integrating my shadow came at the most perfect time really sitting with myself and like really listening to the shadow, really trying to integrate her and this was the test honestly because Yeah, I had this opportunity to come through and I like I didn't know why I felt Called to do this. I mean I did but I really wanted a reason why And this goes back again of not just trusting my innate wisdom of like the knowing I had this deep ping this deep feeling of like You This is what I've been waiting for really like it's been there all along but like this is the opportunity I've been waiting for and I Felt like I was having a panic attack to be honest like I've had one before, it wasn't that bad, but it was like coming on if I didn't have the knowledge I do now, I think it probably would have gotten a lot worse than what it did. But I sat with it and I remember shutting out this opportunity because I was like, nope, I can't do it. Like I was letting the shadow self bring me down and believing all the negative thoughts that were coming in and it was clouding my judgment of the thing I knew. What was truly aligned for me and like the next step to do the next step to take So I went on a walk and I didn't try to change this emotion. I didn't try to shame it I just listened to Everything I had to say, listen to that little girl speak, then I came back and I just meditated a little bit, just silence, and really listened, not to my shadow, not to the emotion. I listened to my heart and what my heart had to say. Basically what I got out of that was the truth, which was, I was wanting clear like a I was expecting My intuition to speak to me in a way that it's not going to it speaks to me in knowings It's not going to tell me why it's not going to tell me it's not going to give me a whole road map and I just have to jump with both feet in and trust myself the only way to to strengthen that Intuition and the trusting myself is to jump in with both feet and in the meditation is also I Got this realization that I can't expect not to feel the emotion of doubt because it's been with me for so long My whole life. I can't expect just because I see the doubt and I see the shadow. I can't expect it to disappear and Again, just because I feel these emotions does not make them true. And that's what I was getting stuck on I was expecting my intuition to come through so clear and like with no negative beliefs attached to it, no like anxiety. Like it was just clear and like butterflies. I wanted it to be like, so extravagant of It's like the intuition, but that's not how it always, it's not how it is yeah. And that meditation just made me realize, it was my higher self saying, you're not going to get the yes that you want because you already know. So you're wanting something from outside of you to tell you're right. And that's not going to happen. You have to jump and trust yourself and just know that the universe is going to catch you. When I was really feeling into my heart center and not into the subconscious beliefs I saw that this was the right next step for me and you're not gonna have the whole roadmap of where it's gonna take you that's not gonna happen but if it fits your vision and you Again, I can't put words to this there was no like I can't explain to you why I knew this was the right move I just knew and that's how intuition is sometimes everyone's intuition speaks to them differently. Some people get you know, they're clairvoyant or you know all the clairs, but mine is knowing and I have been fighting that for so long and not jumping into What my soul wants because I have been expecting my intuition to come through a way that it's not meant to. Again, hopefully this is landing. Yesterday I didn't let my shadow self take control and stop me from making this decision and trusting myself. I didn't shut her out. I didn't push her back down into the shadows. I brought her up with me. I listened to her and I understood why I was feeling that way. And I brought her with me in the decision and I just trusted myself And didn't let the shadow stop me. So the more that you listen to your shadow and let it be there with you when you make these decisions or when you feel these things and you don't let it deter you from the thing, you're supposed to do. Or that you are pulled to do and you know you're meant to do, and I think that's really what integration is like seeing these things in us and not letting them have control over us and not shaming them, just letting them be what they are and getting shit done and doing the things that we know we're meant to do. Integration looks different for everybody. But in that case. Silence and writing it out not being scared of it, going for a walk, clearing my head, coming back, like really getting clear on why I was feeling that way and doing the thing that scared me the most. Like that decision yesterday was probably the biggest decision I've made. And it was so scary, but also so exciting, which is why I know it was the right move. But either way, I integrated that shadow self. To where it didn't control me it wasn't left in the shadow where it can control me. It was brought to the light and I think that's what integration really is moving through life with the things we think that are wrong and bad about us. Like I shamed myself so much for not believing in myself. It's about loving these parts, but not letting them rule our life. When we start making moves towards our dreams and our, what we feel like deep down call to do, and sometimes there's not a reason why we feel so fricking called to these things, and to look at what our mind does. Like when we're not coherent with our mind and our heart to look at what my mind's saying and what my heart's saying and why do I feel like. These negative things have truth. Like, why do we think, why do I believe these things? And sometimes it just takes looking at them and getting calm, getting in a calm state when we look at them and trying to take the charge out of the negative. the emotion and seeing the emotion for what it is. And the way we do that is really not attaching to the emotion and thinking that it's says something about us or that it says that these thoughts are true when we start becoming more of ourself and we start doing the things that. are not something we're used to doing. For example, like making these big decisions, trusting yourself, going against the grain and going for things that we've never gone before, like going for the unknown, you are going to get a lot of that shit to come up. It's inevitable that you're gonna feel the emotions that has been stopping you before because your ego is just trying to keep you safe and Those are the emotions that are coming up that you've stored in your body that are ready to release And so of course you're going to feel uneasy when you're tapping into the new timeline. Like it's going to feel uncomfortable as shit, so uncomfortable. But when you know you're working for something that is so expansive And something that feels so true to you and only you can know that only you can know that. And it might not make sense. It's not going to always make sense to your logical brain. I think that's what I have gotten. I've really come into terms with the decisions I'm making that are soul decisions that are from the heart are not going to make sense to your logical brain and your logical brain does not like that. But to step out of that and be like, okay, I understand. This part of me is not going to understand it and it's not about making that part understand. It's about seeing the Confusion and why it feels that way and accepting it because that is what makes us human and Emotions are there to show us where we're limiting ourselves and they're so beautiful they give so much depth to life to integrate is really to Accept the parts that are making you feel shitty And not trying to change them or think that it means something about you. We're always going to have emotions, literally always the way we relate to them is how we integrate the shadow, Also, I did want to say like the one thing that's been really helping me, I have been feeling stuck. And the reason I've been feeling stuck is cause I knew what to do, but I wasn't doing it because I was letting my shadow stop me. So once you get to know your shadow and once you start integrating that shadow, you will see. Everywhere where it is stopping you literally and it is a hard pill to swallow sometimes because you can really see where it comes up and it's almost once you see it, you can't unsee it It takes some work and it takes a lot of love and compassion for yourself to go through that. But once you learn how to do it like I learned how to do it. This, I think this is my first time like actually integrating, actually feeling the shadow come up and like actually understanding it. And I know the more, like it's going to happen again, there's, layers that we have to shed at certain points in our life. But having this experience It's giving me so much gratitude for the experience I just had and it taught me so much. And I hope that you guys got something out of this today to feel more comfortable and understand more of the emotions that are coming in and where they're coming from and the stories they're attached to. And they don't have to mean anything. Anything about us. They're part of us. Remember the whole they're all these parts of us, but they're not who we are Oh, yeah. I was also going to say that a big part of the integration process is At least for in my case was to take action like the opportunity for growth like what action can I take right now? Will benefit me and benefit the situation to show myself, show the shadow that we're going to move the goalposts. We're going to keep moving even though the shadow self is scared, to let them know Hey, love you. I accept you. I appreciate what you've been trying to do, but you're not in charge anymore. So I'm going to take this action and it's going to be uncomfortable, but we're going to keep doing it. We're going to keep doing it until that shadow is. No longer in charge. And it's just, it's not running the show anymore. So for me, that action was doing the thing that I was scared to do and doing it. Even though I had that fear, even though I had that shadow still there, I didn't make that mean that I couldn't do it. I didn't make that mean that it was the wrong thing to do. I didn't make that make the decision for me. Once I did that and I proved to myself that I can do it, even though I have those voices and those emotions tell me to be scared and I did it anyway, it was very liberating and it proves. to yourself that you can trust yourself. And the more that you show up for yourself and the more that you take action, even though it's scary, life gives you more opportunities and you grow and you expand what you're capable of. I am so happy that I have the opportunity to share these things on this podcast. Not only like it's helped me grow, You guys I can't even explain to you how much i've grown in the last eight weeks since i've started this podcast and I am so grateful that I can do this and i'm so grateful to everyone that's watching everyone that's listening Everyone that takes the time out of their day to listen to this like you have no idea how much that means to me hey guys, So my phone died when I was recording the end of this. So different day, but I did want to say bye to you guys. And again, thank you so much for listening. I am so grateful that I can do this podcast. And if this resonates with you, if you're feeling called to it, I would appreciate it so much. If you comment, like subscribe, all the above rate, all that supports me and helps me out. So thank you so much guys. If you want to connect with me at my Instagram handles are below, have a good rest of your day...