EP:9 Navigating the ego death

In today’s episode, I talk about my ego death and what an ego death is. It is something I am currently navigating, and I wanted to share my journey. also to share some thoughts that have been helping me through this time. I also share some insights from the book “The Power of Now” by Eckart Tolle. This book has been so transformative I hope this finds you in divine timing!  

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Transcript

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it's scary to trust fall into the universe and let go of the ego when the ego has been there your whole life. And you've mistakenly thought that the ego was you and then to just suddenly let it go. It's scary, and that's why it literally feels like a death, because a part of you is dying, the part of you that's not you, hello friends, welcome back to the fluidity podcast, happy Tuesday, and we are on, can you believe it? Episode number nine and wow. Every week I feel like something new has shifted in my life. I feel like I'm on the fast track right now. A lot of things are happening in a good way and I just, I started this podcast to, express myself and be super transparent about what I'm going through because I'm We're all interconnected. So what I'm going through, maybe some other people are going through too. So I hope this can help and really to be able to look back on my journey and see these transformational periods in my journey and see where I was. So yeah, I hope you guys get something out of it today today's conversation is gonna be about the ego death. And just my experience with it, everyone's going to have different experiences with the dark night of the soul, ego death, their spiritual awakening, life, and you might call it something different. what resonates with me a lot is ego death and you can try and look it up and there's people are going to explain it differently. I think it helps when someone has gone through it and it explains how they feel and what it means to them. So that's what I'm going to do today and honestly, like I really, I didn't want to plan it out of what I was going to say. I was just going to have a conversation with you guys. And so it might be all over the place, but just, bear with me. I did want to share some things in the book I'm reading cause I feel like it resonates so much with what I'm going through right now. That I think it's very powerful if I just read some things that stood out to me and like what how I took some things in this book how I took them and it is the power of now by ed cart toli wow. Wow, that's all I have to say I've read a lot of spiritual books and this is and obviously because i'm reading it right now and it's just I'm going through everything that he's talking about, but I think it's one of the most transform transformatal books I've read. One of them. I think I have a top three. This is definitely up there. And I will probably read some things from my journal. I have had a lot of Self realizations since last week, and I did just want to say that when you embark on this journey, it is a journey it is not to get to a destination. And I think even in the last episode, I still had some subconscious beliefs that there was an end point or my ego wanted there to be a, an end point, a pot full of gold at the end of the rainbow. And I realized this week that was still some, somewhere back in, in the shadows of my subconscious and that was all the ego wanting, because that's what the ego wants is your happiness, your fulfillment to be somewhere in the future so it stays alive and to really see it. Notice your thoughts and notice the ego and the thinking we associate ourselves so much with thinking and the ego and these very short lived desires. And we think that those are us and we think that these emotions that we feel are us and that's why we are afraid of them because they're not comfortable. And like I said in the last episode, they're really showing us what. is limiting us and it's not there to be victim to. I think I was in that victim mindset your ego literally pulls you back in and that's how you've been living your whole life is in a victim mentality, trying to run away from these emotions because you think that they're yours and you think you're victim to them so you have to pile shit on top of them so you don't feel them, you don't recognize them. You just, push them away. And the more that I do this, the more I see that there are, it goes deeper and deeper, but you get lighter and lighter every time you do it. So it's really leaning into it and knowing that Also, on the flip side, knowing that you already are whole and you don't need to be fixed. You don't need to be changed. Like you already are whole as you are right now. It's just an illusion that you're not where you think you should be or where, who you think you should be or it's literally the illusion of the ego and the mind. And it's so interesting that it can be so easy to make that switch. Like it's. It's not something that needs to be hard, but the most simple, the things that are the most simple are usually the hardest because they're so simple and we want our ego wants them to be like this big extravagant hard thing that we have to push and grind and do. But it really is so simple because it's who we are at our core and it's just conditioning of how we lived our whole life. Like I'll explain a little bit more. On a personal level and again, hopefully this can help you relate it back to you. But, Having the ego and having your thoughts and emotions so close to you that you've had your whole life. It's really hard to see that there's another way because no other way. And it's like trying to look for something. It's I remember, okay, I'm gonna tell us a quick story real quick. Joe Dispenza, I remember listening to one of his podcasts or sorry one of his talks or his book, something if you don't know Joe Dispenza, look him up, he's amazing. And he was telling a story to relay the message he was trying to get across of like finding who you are and people always trying to look for who they are and like the spiritual awakening and it really can be so easy as. This is how I explained it. There was a woman there was a big tour bus and there was a woman on there that didn't speak English. And it was like a, they were going on a big tour and no one knew this lady. They all got off and saw some monument or something like that. And she ended up changing her clothes. And so she looked completely different. She came back on the bus and I guess someone that was sitting next to her was like, no, there's someone sitting next to me that. I don't see that's here and she didn't speak English. So they all were trying to find this lady, like all trying to find her. And the lady was like helping them look for her, but she didn't speak English. So she didn't know what they were looking for. And so it was like hours and hours. They were looking for this lady and the lady's helping them look. And they're all looking, they're all looking for this lady that was already there. She was already with them. And then Hours and hours later, they realized and they figured out that she was the one they were looking for and that cuts so deep when you think about when we try to find who we are, or, we think we had to have this like a spiritual awakening to be happy or like our happiness is somewhere out there and we're always constantly looking and looking for things to make us full, to make us fulfilled and the things we're looking for are literally Were the lady that didn't speak English that everyone was looking for and she was even looking for herself and then to come realize that it was her all along and she's been there all along and I remember hearing that This was like probably a year and a half ago. So I've evolved so much since then I remember hearing this and it did not land for me It did not at all because I was so caught up in my own stories I was so caught up in thinking that the ego was me thinking that the ego was Who I was because that's who I always Identified with and it's no fault to our own the egos doing what it what is was designed to do but yeah, we just get we get so caught up putting our identity on things and thoughts and emotions Then to wake up one morning and be like none of these are me And thank God for that. They're here to teach us and sorry, that was a rampage, but today's quote fits very perfectly in, and it is a quote from the power of now death is a stripping away of all that is not you. The secret of life is to die before you die and find that there is no death. Wow, that fits well into the topic of ego death doing subconscious work and shadow work and all this. It sounds very heavy and it sounds very hard and difficult and not attainable. And that's what I thought. And that's why I didn't do it for so long. And also I did have a subconscious belief that really held me back from where I'm And that's why at right now, but it really can highlight what has been going on in the background. I was listening to Sarah Zula and she's awesome. By the way, go follow her. She is a subconscious coach, subconscious freedom coach. And I was listening to one of her talks and I was baffled that our conscious, what we're conscious of, like our conscious brain mind is only 5 percent the subconscious. is 95 percent of the thoughts, the actions that we do a day. And that's just insane. So to get to know your subconscious is really powerful work. And sometimes. Even I fell into the trap of thinking that, and this is the ego, that it was unattainable that it's just something that it's so impossible why even try. And that's the ego keeping itself safe because it doesn't want to be found out. And, let me tell you, I had It's a very tough ego and a lot of us do. And so it's not, it doesn't feel easy, but it is. It's simple, but again, the most simple things are the hardest things to grasp onto and you will get it. It just takes, sometimes it takes time. It doesn't have to, but our ego a lot of the times is stubborn. So I also just wanted to read off what ego death is because for a long time I didn't really understand what that meant and now going through it. I understand it on a different level. And by the way, there's not just one ego death. There's multiple. I've definitely been through ego deaths and I didn't even know they're ego deaths. And not knowing that they were an ego death or the dark night of the soul. just, Really judge myself for it and I was really in a dark place because I didn't know what was happening So I really hope this sheds light on it because it is a normal thing But if you're not conscious of what's happening it can be really scary and it can almost deter your growth because you don't know what you're going through and how to navigate it and Yeah, so I'm gonna read from this website that I think defines it well, and I'll link this in the show notes. Ego death is the realization that you are not truly the things you've identified with, and the ego or sense of self you've created In your mind is a fabrication. In some instances, it can offer a profound feeling of peace and connectedness. With all that is, as the walls of separation, the ego creates comes crumbling down. In other cases, and especially if your ego resists this death, the experience can be very scary and result in a sense of detachment or disillusion. Or sorry, disassociation. Often a complete loss. Of subjective self-identity occurs causing depression, anxiety, fear. But the more in touch one is with their spiritual core, the easier their awaken will be. And yeah, I think that touched on, touches on it very nicely. Before going through this experience this last week, oh I do wanna tell you guys I started, I also started hypnotherapy. One session already has been like it. And I have seven more to go. So I can not only imagine the things you guys are going to hear from me and the things I'm going to be learning about myself and realization. So strapping, but the one session was very healing. And it was just like the intro session, so let me just go back real quick. So like last week, I. I was talking about the shadow and when you start finding things in your subconscious and the shadows and things that are like you just start questioning, it like starts momentum and then you get to the deeper stuff and the deeper core stuff. And it's so liberating to get to that stuff and know that it's not you and realize that you have the power to shift things. You're in my set in your own universe and your own reality. And it's it gets to be fun and it gets to be exciting and very limited, very liberating. But again, if you don't know what you're going through, it can be very scary. And I definitely went through that a couple years ago. And my hope is to help others not go through that and just really take advantage of the opportunity of this ego death that is happening. Your soul life is presenting you with. And so like I was saying, hypnotherapy. Having someone there to like, cause sometimes we are so close to it that we really don't see it and you can do it on your own. But it definitely, sometimes we do a blind spots. And having someone that holds space and knows a little bit about what they're doing really does make a difference. And, at least like the surface level stuff, we can do that on our own. But the deeper stuff it does help to have someone see those blind spots. A blind spot that we discovered, and it's so funny you guys, I, for the longest time, the one thing that I always wanted For the last couple of years, I have been searching. I have been wanting my spiritual awakening to just feel, to just feel happy and to just be, like living my best life. And I was kept feeling like I was searching for something like I obviously felt better about myself, about life when I started doing spiritual practices and things like that. I was still searching for something. And that's, the illusion of the ego wanting you to think that you have to find something outside of yourself to feel joy, feel happy, and so for the longest time, the one thing that I felt like I was looking for was really me was connection to the divine source or something higher, something greater thinking that it was outside of myself. And what I, what we discovered was a limiting belief I had deep down was that I was scared I have a spiritual awakening, basically. So my ego was scared to let go. It was scared of what was on the other side. And I was really like, I could not believe what I, what we've what I even said, like what came out my mouth basically I was scared to, I was scared that there wasn't anything more. My limiting belief was that there was nothing more than what I've experienced and that I was going to feel this. I feel like there was this deep, I feel like there was a dark cloud over my head for the rest of my life. That's how I explained it. It just always felt like this dark cloud that was always following me. And my deepest fear was that there was no way out of it. That this cloud, beyond this cloud, there was no beautiful sun. It was just more darkness. That was my worry. And my subconscious was keeping me safe by keeping me In the dark, so I wouldn't have, so I would always have something to get in the future that it would never be here. And yeah, basically my, that was the ego scared to die. And I feel like that's common because I also, I went a little bit deeper on this and realized that what if I really thought about it, like if I really dug deep, it was scared of not having a sense of self. I was I identified myself so much with my anxiety, with this depressive feeling, this, the thought that there was nothing more, and so I identified myself so much with that, I was scared that to find out if I was right or wrong, I was scared that there wasn't anything on the other side. And so I was just really not trying. And I was, and again, that was the ego. Scared to die basically because I attach myself so much with I attach my identity so much with that story And it's crazy. It's hard to explain but like realizing that I literally was scared of the one thing that I wanted that thing is me and it's not something I have to get it's already here and how crazy good the ego is and making you think that you're the ego The reason I was, so I was feeling so deep and dark and really not being honest with myself of not feeling the best. And again, I didn't even know that this belief was in there and. Now seeing it you can still I can still feel the ego like holding on and that's where the ego death it's resisting and it just takes practice and it just takes awareness and You know you have lived with this Thought or this belief in you for so long that it's scary And again, that's an illusion in itself that the ego is just scared to let the fuck go Because it think because it will die and if you don't believe that there's a soul or that you have a soul and you have something Separate that's not the ego. Like you are separate from the ego, then it's scary to jump it's scary to trust fall into the universe and let go of the ego when the ego has been there your whole life. And you've mistakenly thought that the ego was you and then to just suddenly let it go. It's scary, and that's why it literally feels like a death, because a part of you is dying, the part of you that's not you, the part of you that has been trying to keep you safe, but you don't need it anymore, and Just to know that it's called ego death for a reason, like it's not meant to be comfortable yeah, let me just move on here. So I also wrote and I also had a very hard time like feeling positive emotions. And just being addicted to the negative emotions and that can happen. We get in a pattern and a habit These same circuits running together our whole life. So to, to take a chance and to trust fall and to make new connections in your brain and new patterns sometimes can take. Some time and to be really patient with yourself is really important and to realize when you feel like all these negative emotions to know that they're the ego trying to hold on and scared to die basically and That you're gonna be fine. You are the observer you're the one that's behind these thoughts and There is this diagram that I think really helped paint the picture. If you're looking at your brain and the surface levels are con your conscious brain, right? The 5 percent below that is a subconscious. And that's 95%. And then below that is your soul, your divine self, your true self. So a lot of times the subconscious is so loud that it drowns out your soul it's not meant to be easy for the ego to die and just to allow the process to happen. And I'll read some passages from the book, but again, the illusion of the ego it tricks you into thinking that you're doing something wrong and that you need to do something. But again, it's an illusion. Everything's fine. You're fine. You are already whole. You're already there. You're already everything and more. And your base emotion, your core emotion, your core being is love, joy, peace. So I wrote down in my diary, because I realized that positive emotions, they feel uncomfortable, almost obsessed or addicted to the pain because I think it's mine or who I am. Almost The book said that your ego is scared of letting go of the pain because I attach my identity to it. My ego is looking for a sense of self and wanting to keep my happiness never attainable. It feels normal to me and when I think about a new life or new feelings, it makes me uncomfortable. Or maybe I think, The pain gives me purpose, or again, it's all I know. So my ego is dying or that part of me is dying. That's what I wrote after I had that realization in a meditation it's not been easy, let me tell you. It's not been freaking easy. It feels so uncomfortable and like my whole world has been upside down and I think the reason why it feels so scary and lonely is because even though that part of the ego has been causing pain. It has been there. It has been your comfort zone and even though it's not Helping you in any way It's still a comfort zone and to step out of that is, it's so brave to do that and I have to keep reminding myself that as well. Just know you're not alone if you're going through it so some things from the book that I did want to read okay, so there is a part in the book that really brought light to what I was journaling about and what my deep fear was. And again, that was a limiting belief that I had. The limiting belief was I don't want to let go of the ego because I'm scared that I won't be anything or I won't have a sense of self. And that is the ego, but I attach myself, my identity to that limiting belief thinking that was who I am. So again, it's very like hard to wrap your head around in the beginning, but it gets easier. I swear. So there's a part in the book that I wanted to read to you guys. And Eckhart says this is not to deny that you may encounter intense inner resistance to dis identifying from your pain. This will be the cause particularly if you have lived closely identified with your emotional pain body for most of your life and the whole or a large part of your sense of self is invested Or sorry, what this means is that you have made an unha an unhappy self out of your pain body and believe this mind made fiction is who you are. In that case, unconscious fear of losing your identity will relate, will create strong resistance to any dis identification. In other words, you would rather be in pain to be the pain body than take a leap into the unknown and risk losing the familiar unhappy self. And when I read that, I was like. It just my whole body just lit up because that is exactly like that spoke to my soul and made me realize what the ego was doing and again, you're I Catch myself going back and forth And i'll catch myself Not identifying with it is a constant daily thing and I think sometimes you hear other people talk about it and they make it sound so easy and that once It's done, but I in my experience It's been a work in progress and it's not easy and to judge yourself for not being to where you think you should be again is an illusion. And to just keep being in the present moment and not letting, Your ego tell you stories and feed you lies and feed you disencouragement. Another thing he said in the book was sometimes the background noise is so it's so normal to us that we don't even know what our ego and what the background noise is saying to us. And to catch it, it's uncomfortable, but again, it's not you. So I and I had to keep reminding myself. It's not me I catch it. I realize I'm present in the moment I take a look the emotions and the thoughts that are behind it and you just Acknowledge it you shed light on it and there's really nothing else to do and sometimes that annoys us because again We want there to be something to physically take out and like physically do but sometimes Again, the simplest things is just putting our attention on to it and putting our intention into not letting our ego run our life And to uncover the things that have been subconsciously hidden in the background and not letting our life be ruled by that. And to remember how much power you have. And that's not an easy task, my friends. I'm right there with you. And even talking about it, like it feels uncomfortable and it's not fun to talk about, but you also get to do so many other fun things when you don't have these. ego identities related to you that don't serve you and don't connect you to who you really are. It can be very empowering to know that these things aren't you like very empowering. Start journaling. Start like really listening to your thoughts and Understanding your emotions and don't blame anyone else. Don't blame yourself. Just be honest with yourself. I think honesty It really does shed a lot of light on the things that we're trying to save ourself from, but we don't need it. We don't need any saving. We are so strong and we're so capable and we literally chose to be here. Yeah, I just want to touch on that because I was in this rut of feeling stuck for so long and being like and almost feeling like I was a victim to my circumstances and once you realize that you literally Control the whole reality that we're in I was being a victim to, or taking the victim role even though I was, like, doing all the right things and being, meditating and, but I really wasn't doing if I'm being honest, I really wasn't doing the work. I was checking things off a list, and the reason why I was stuck was because I wasn't being honest with myself, and I wanted to surpass Coming head to head with the things I didn't like once you realize that your thoughts and your emotions and they're not you become way less judgmental of them and you can be more of the Observer than so caught up in it. Alright guys, another thing that I wanted to say just to, give you guys somewhere to Somewhere to start. Because all this can be so overwhelming and I know I've gotten so overwhelmed and thinking that I need to do a million things and thinking that I'm, not capable and just not knowing where to go or like, how to start. And I think Ed Cart says something, it's just so simple to start doing. And once you start doing this, you'll start to know the next steps. And yeah, I'm gonna stop rambling and tell you. So he says, however, Ordinary unconscious may not be easy to detect initially because it's so normal. So he says, he was talking about like even noticing that your unconscious thoughts are there because they might not be easy to detect because it's so normal. Like they doesn't, it just feels like you. So you don't really understand that it's not you. And he says, make it a habit to monitor your mental emotional state through self observation. Am I at ease at this moment? Question mark. It's a good, he says, make it a habit to monitor your mental, emotional state through self observation. Am I at ease at this moment? Is a good question to ask yourself frequently, or you can ask what's going on inside me at this moment. Be at least as interested in what goes on inside you as what happens outside. So I think that's it. One thing that really helped me and just started my journey was really seeing what was going on inside. Like the basics of this book is being in the present now. And he talks a lot about. Talks a lot about how we're either the egos either in the past or in the future, but there's only ever now So just to get really good at being present and watching your mind when it starts to think about the past or think about the future and Notice it and then bring yourself back and the more you do that the more we get used to seeing the lies of what the ego is telling us and Yeah, so if you haven't read this book, please go out and read it. It's amazing I've been feeling All the things, I feel like, especially the last two weeks, and even this podcast, I haven't felt the best. But you know what? I almost didn't do this podcast today because I felt, yeah, just, I just, it's been a lot. And But that would let the ego win and when you do go through an ego death, the ego is going to get louder and louder as it dies because it doesn't want to. So just remember that the ego gets louder. It's not that you're doing anything wrong and it's to know how much power we have and to not identify with the things that are not us. And there's a reason why they call it an ego death. And, don't judge it. Just be very patient with yourself and know that this is all happening for you, not to you. I frickin love you guys. Please comment subscribe, rate, anything you feel called to. All of it helps me. And I would love to connect with you guys if you guys have any experience with this. Leave a comment or shoot me a DM. I'd love to hear from you guys. Have a beautiful day and I'll see you next Tuesday.