EP17: Playing hide and seek with your own shadows: The power of your subconscious mind

Hello Friends!! I am so excited to be back. This first episode back is all about catching y'all up. Why I left the podcast for 6 months, the perspective shifts that were needed for me to upgrade and expand. Where I was living from and why the old model isn’t working for a reason, why it is a gift for us to awaken to the truth. Real, raw and juicy, come on into my world.

Transcript

0:01

Hello, my beautiful friends. Welcome back to the Fluidity Podcast. My name is Hannah. I'm your host and my goodness, has it been a minute since I have recorded a podcast and I can tell you one thing, it feels great to be back. It feels very different than it felt. The first time around in the first season of the podcast. So I'm excited just to tell you guys what has been going on, why the HI hiatus, why the paws in the podcast, and what perspective shifts I've made to get me to this beautiful place I'm at now. And yeah, just to bring you guys into my world and what has been going on. A lot of it was doubts, who cares about my story? Who cares? I have nothing good to talk about. The usual bully in the head, in your head. But when I came to realize that the people that I listened to, the people that I learned from the most. Are the people who share their raw stories and their raw experiences and share what they've learned from them. Because then I then learn something from their story and I relate to their story when they're real and raw.'cause at the end of the day, we are all connected. We are all connected in a beautiful way that a lot of times we forget. But when we hear stories and we resonate with them, we remember that beautiful oneness. That underlies everything in this universe. So with that being said, I am going to just express my story and what comes through today. I made a very rough outline, I have some bullet points that I'm gonna refer to just so I don't forget anything. But this is really just gonna be a very. fluid conversation just to bring you guys in on what has been going on and to give you a glimpse of what's to come. So let's get right into it. All right, so I'm trying to think back of the last time I recorded and I actually, the last time I recorded was right when I got back from my trip in Mexico. Which was in the very end of October, very beginning of November. I had a very transformative trip and it was positive looking back, but when I was in it, it was not a joy ride. It was not fun. I had what felt like a huge awakening, but it was also very scary because there was a part of me that I had to let die. So I was resisting a little bit. When I got home from Mexico, I had this realization and I was making a podcast and it felt like I was pushing up against a 10,000 pound rock boulder that was 20 times my size, and I was trying to push it. That's how much resistance I felt. I. Was so nervous on the mic, I felt like I was under so much pressure to sound right, to say the right thing, to just censor myself to make sure that I said the right thing. when you do that, it's just going against who you are. You're authentic words that wanna flow through. It's like stopping a beautiful river. It's like putting a blockage on this river. And I was controlling the way the river wanted to move. That's the analogy that's coming through right now. So I recorded this podcast and I hit a brick wall with burnout like I've never experienced in my life, and I decided to take about a six month hiatus, That's gonna be the beginning of this, and I'm gonna bring you into the under workings of it and how subconscious healing really pulled me outta the weeds and gave me this beautiful higher perspective Honestly didn't think I would ever get to, and it's just been a beautiful journey. When I set out to do this podcast, the main objective, the main intention was to express myself and really learn to love myself and really find my voice. And in doing so, I realized I was always here, but I was trying to mold myself into something that I thought others wanted or mold myself into something that I thought was going to be liked. So I was very much so censoring myself because I had some subconscious beliefs that I will get into, but it really took my body breaking down. So this story goes fucking deep. Let me just say so grab a tea, grab whatever, grab a coffee, go on that nice walk, take a nice drive if you're driving or if you're on your way to work and just enjoy. There's a lot of juiciness and again, my intention is that you get something out of it, that you learn something through my experience and for you to get to know the new. Me that's always been here, but I've haven't let her come out and shine. So this is a debuted for Hannah. Here we go. Okay. I know I'm really building this up. Okay, lemme look at my notes real quick. Okay, so I have on here why I stopped my podcast and everything in my life and I put under that the story I was living in. So I don't know if I talked about this on the podcast, but I. Lost my period for about four and a half years. I went to multiple doctors. No one could tell me any answers. They were honestly very worried about me. I paid thousands of dollars and medical bills for just exploratory. ultrasounds and things like that. I got no answers, so I just left it because I was like, no, period. It's not really bothering me at the time, and I didn't see it as a huge issue. Now, I did have a feeling that it had something to do with my exercise and my eating habits, but it was like a Very quiet voice because on a deeper level I had, I just believed that I was way bigger than I was. So you hear people losing their periods because they're anorexic and they're really skinny and they don't eat anything. And I'm like, that's not me. Because I ate, I wasn't super skinny. Looking back, I was. But in the moment when you're in. That mindset of, I need to fix myself. I need to be perfect. You're never gonna see yourself and see yourself as good enough, right? And you're always gonna look at yourself through a limited view and through a lens of, I'm not good enough, I'm fat, whatever the words may be. Right before Mexico. So that was just to give you a back picture, I had a very unhealthy relationship with food and a very unhealthy relationship with exercise. It's all I thought about food was all I thought about. It was very controlling. Just outta control with the minimal amount that I was eating and the amount of pressure I was putting on myself to build a business, to be the perfect human to all these things, right? So it got to the point when I went to Mexico where my body really started to feel this. This just depletion. And if you're unaware with. Menstrual cycles and having your period versus not having your period a period to a woman is very essential. It just like a male's hormones are very essential to their health. So when you don't have estrogen and pro progesterone running smoothly in your body, everything else is not gonna function correctly either, Brain telling your body, we are not safe enough to have a period. We are not safe enough, so we must shut up. Shut down these, the hormones. So our body can basically have the basic needs to just breathe and have a heartbeat. So everything else shuts down, and it takes a while for somebody to really feel the effects because when you're in the beginning stages of. Oh, I realized I didn't even tell you guys what I had. I, down the line, I realized I had ha which is hypothalmic. A amenorrhea. I know. It's a long fucking name. I'll say it again. Hypothalmic. A amenorrhea. And by the way, this whole time I had no idea what this word meant, what this diagnosis was. It has to do with the adrenals, and there's a point where you're running on adrenaline where you feel good because you're running on adrenaline. So your body has a lot of energy. You feel great, but then the later stages of it is really not a fun party. You, Feel like you just got hit by a bus and no amount of caffeine, no amount of exercise, no amount of anything is gonna pull you outta this fucking hole because you dug yourself so deep. I dug myself so deep. It's the first time I'm really telling it out loud, so bear with me y'all. Okay, so I dug myself in this hole for a long time, right? This is four and a half years coming. Right around when I started this podcast, I was really just trying to run away from myself, guys. To be honest, I wanted something outside of myself to give me importance. I didn't feel like I was a person that had worthiness. I think A lot of us carry this. there's a lot of different shades of the same color, and so I was really looking for something to gimme importance or something to give me. Yeah, a reason to live basically. I wasn't living from the joy of living. I was living from trying to get something to make me feel good enough and because I was putting so much pressure on this podcast, on my business, I was waiting for external things to happen in my life, for me to be happy, for me to give myself permission to enjoy life, really, to be honest. When I went on this trip to Mexico, I stopped doing things right. Life really slowed down for me, and that is what gave me the end to really hear my inner thoughts and to really see the manifestation of all these really negative feelings and beliefs I had about myself. I all came to the fucking surface when I was in Mexico. I don't know if you guys might remember, but if you're new here, I quit drinking the same year. So when I was in Mexico, I wasn't drinking, I wasn't doing anything, and the old me would've drank or done something to drown out these voices. I didn't have that, thank God. So I was just sitting there with, all these roaming thoughts that now we're surfacing. And at the time I think there was a big astrological event, so all of this was coming to the surface. I. Remember being in my bathing suit and feeling so disgusted with myself, it wasn't even funny. And looking back at the pictures, you guys, it just really goes to show what distorted, what a distorted view or what a, a subconscious view of ourselves can really make us see ourselves in such a different light. I look back at those pictures and I'm like, what was I talking about? Why was I. So disgusted with myself, I look fucking great. And when you're so in it and you have that limiting belief, you can't see out of it. And that's where I was. I was seeing through a lens of there's something wrong with me, X, Y, Z. So I really didn't give much attention. I didn't really think I had a body image issue at all. Was not in my conscious awareness because I had put up so many safety nets to where I wouldn't have to feel that way. For example, I worked out all the time. I ate really good. if I ate at all, I ate really good. So there's no way for my body to look a certain way for me to feel that. Discomfort. I also was working all the time. I was never going out to see people. I was isolating myself so nothing could trigger me, nothing. And so when I went to Mexico, everything triggered me because I was finally out in the open and I was finally, in a bathing suit around people. Going back into life and realizing that I had way more triggers than I ever let myself see, because I put up these safety nets of, again, isolating myself, not talking to people, only working out, only trying to fix myself. So when I was in Mexico, I realized all these things. It was really a. Depressing trip, but I look back on that trip and it's probably the most transformable trip I have ever taken in my life. And in the moment it sucked. But now looking back, I'm still grateful for it. So I got back from Mexico and I'm still, let me actually go back Mexico. I just wanna give you guys a little insight into the physical ailments. I felt like I couldn't digest anything. My stomach felt like I had legit rocks in it. I was in physical pain because my body wasn't digesting food because I wasn't even giving it enough food for my digestive system to work, I was working out like a maniac every morning. I was so fatigued. I just wanted to cry, and I was in this most beautiful place I was with these beautiful people and all I felt was laying in bed and crying. So got back from Mexico. I remember making a podcast. I never posted it because I still didn't see what this trip was trying to tell me. I was still looking through the lens of, there's something wrong with me and I need to find it, and I need to fix it. Something still, I felt so forced, it felt so fake, and I'm like, what am I missing here? What am I hiding from myself? Because something feels so like cringey about the way I am speaking because it feels fake, so then I start to realize I'm not feeling better. I was waking up in the middle of the night at 3:00 AM every morning. Couldn't sleep. When I woke up, I felt like I had just ran a race, like my cortisol was through the roof and I really had, I was really so stressed and I was stressed for so long that I didn't even know that I was stressed, if that makes sense. It's like when you're living in a world where you've only been stressed, you don't know that you're stressed. So I woke up in the middle of the night and I'm like, something's not right. Like my body's screaming and I. Was in the spiritual world. So I was doing inner work and I knew, I'm like there, there is a deeper reason to this. So I woke up in the middle of the night and I got this intuitive hit to look up, like missing period or something. I don't remember what I wrote. And again, I didn't put two and two together that my period was linked to my fatigue and my depression and my digestive issues. But when I woke up in the middle of the night, I put them together and I'm like, they must be linked. So I looked it up and the first podcast that came up was like, How I lost my period and got it back and I'm like, interesting. right when I saw it, I'm like, you know when you just, you feel it in your gut? Like that resonates. I don't know what it is, but I know it resonates. That's what happened. So I clicked on the podcast at 3:00 AM I'm listening to it, and I listened to her story almost in tears because of how much it resonated with me and everything she was saying. It's like it opened my eyes to a different perspective of myself that I never had before. And I was starting to see all the unhealthy habits I had simply for the reason of being the hottest one in the room, because I felt that's how I was the safest. And I think a lot of women have this narrative that if we're not hot, if we're not perfect, then we aren't safe in this world, that we're not worthy. And it goes so deep into the collective consciousness. And I also believe I'm here to break that shit apart because we are so much more than what we look like. And I know it's hard to believe because we're fed it. I was fed it, and it, honestly it's deep. It still is, but I am. So much farther from where I was six months ago with this guys, it's a blessing to have the perspectives that I have now. But going back to the ha or when I found out about it, I started doing all this research again, it's hypothalmic and amenorrhea and basically your hypothalamus when it is stressed, when you're not. Eating enough to fuel your workouts and to fuel your body, your period, and those things like di like digestion skin. I'm not a doctor guys, so I'll have to do a whole episode on HA and really dive deep into the research because it's really an important topic. Any who, the hypothalamus controls a lot of things and one of them is their hormones. I'm not gonna talk about the scientific stuff'cause I wanna make sure I have all my facts right. I'll just skip this part and I'll make note to make a whole podcast on this, but basically I got into this program, I'll link it in the show notes as well. What I had to do basically was stop exercising and eat a lot more and rest. My body was, and not a lot of people know this'cause I didn't go out during this time and it was hard for me to tell people because I. felt like no one would get it. Because we're in such a culture where it's like you have to eat right. You have to exercise, and if you don't, and if you lay around like you're lazy and you're fat and you don't care about your body, and it's so ass backward, you guys especially women, we think we have to eat less than men, but actually we actually have a more of a calorie need in our day to day because of our period, because of our menstrual cycle. It takes so much energy to run it. I got into this program and they basically were like. Just eat a lot, don't exercise and rest. And that sounded like hell to me because I was so determined. Before I got into spirituality, I was a fitness coach and so this was really shedding the old. Identity of myself and the one who had the body. That's where I got all my validation from, was the way I looked. And it was really hard for me to grapple with because I was like my, conscious level denied that part of myself. I was like, there's no way that I am this upset about my looks and. I was judging myself for it, and that made the process even harder. So I started to gain weight. I wasn't working out. And when you let your body rest, you feel like you got hit by two buses after you stop working out. And once you start gaining weight,'cause your body starts to feel safe and it starts to repair itself. Thank God for this community that I was in. Because if I didn't know what I was going through, I wouldn't have even stopped working out and started eating more if I didn't have this community to open my eyes to the unhealthy habits I was engaging in. Right when I was figuring out that I had Hypothalmic amenorrhea is when another one of my programs started, all about subconscious healing and subconscious programming. And I was in the coach's edition. So I was learning not only for myself, but how to coach this. Modality of subconscious healing. It came in the most perfect time. I remember my, the first live call I was in the thick of my burnout and my adrenal fatigue It was so tired. I had the worst headaches all the time, and I remember feeling so angry and so pissed off on this first call. I'm like two weeks away from graduating from this program. The amount of shifts I've made from it is irreplaceable and it was so divine that I started going through this program at the same time I was going through my recovery to get my period back. I was in the subconscious healing program. I was going through a recovery to get my period back, and I felt so called just to stop everything, I really, for the first time, spent time with myself without trying to make something of myself. Those are great qualities, but when you're doing it from a place of I'm not good enough, I need to be fixed. I need something to give me Worthiness, you're gonna fail every time. Because the underlying energy is that of lack. We live in an energetic. Universe. So everything is vibration. So when you have these underlying subconscious limitations, they're the ones that are running the show without us sometimes even consciously knowing it. So when we go to the level of the subconscious and we really look at what we're telling ourselves and what we believe we can then. Get rid of the things that are not serving us and bring in the things that do. So that's pretty much what I was doing this last six months, which was I. One tending to my body because when you're elevating your consciousness, your nervous system also needs to come with you. And my nervous system was not in a place to go anywhere because it was so malnourished. I didn't have a period. And again, our period as a sign of health, it's a sign of vitality. And when you don't have it, your body's struggling. And I was struggling mentally, physically, spiritually. So this was a really big reboot for me to rebuild who I was and let my nervous system recalibrate to the energy I was now shifting into. I also had a realization that I was just putting so much pressure on myself to be perfect, and I was doing things because I thought they would get me happiness, not doing things. They made me happy while doing'em. This was a really huge realization for me. So for example, I was reading certain books because I thought it would make me smarter. And then me being smarter, I would be happy because I'd be smart and people would think I was smart and I would just be worthy of. Success instead of reading the book. That fascinated me and made me happy and expanded while reading it. There's a difference there. Again, if you're choosing things because you think they're gonna get you happiness, they're not choosing things that make you happy in the moment is how you get to where you wanna go, because excitement and curiosity is our roadmap. It is our compass, and when we follow someone else's. That's when shit goes sideways. Not really.'cause we always fucking learn from it. And part of my language guys, I'm trying to, I'm not meaning to swear this much, but I'm just letting it flow. Alright. So yeah, really big perspective shifts. Do the things that make you happy in the moment not to do things because they, you think you're, they're gonna get you happiness. Now there's obviously a caveat to this. Two sides to the same coin, right? There's obviously some things in life where we don't love doing what we gotta do. There's a difference and use your discernment, but hopefully you guys are picking up. What I'm putting down there is another perspective shift that I wanna throw in here, This perspective shift came from Bella and Nikki. I was watching their podcast this morning and they made me realize why I feel so different and why my energy is so different this time, and it's because I let go of the resistance of the gap. I have a new perspective of this journey and it's of excitement. So let me explain. When you have a goal, a lot of us think that we're at one point, and the goal is. Over here somewhere else, not close to us. When we look at the gap between where we are and where we wanna be and think that we're less of a person, or we are lacking because we're here and we're not where we wanna be, that's what brings suffering. And that's exactly what Bella and Nikki were talking about earlier, and they made this beautiful distinction there's a paradox. We can be where we're at and be so grateful to where we're at, and also wanna get to where we're going, but have a joy and excitement for the journey. Because the journey is it, guys. The end point is not gonna bring us happy. It's the journey. It's the who we become. It's the excitement of seeing ourself change and evolve and learn. And knowing that we're. Just as worthy now of love of all the things that we want, just as much as we are when we get to the goal that we're striving for. And when I said that today, that was the perspective shift I've I made without necessarily putting words to it. I am so much more. Flow with my journey and really loving every step of it because I'm not believing that the girl with the company, with the number one podcast, with the relationship, with the money, I'm not thinking that girl is any more worthy than the girl I am now, or the woman, sorry, the woman I am now. They're both beautiful, they're both wonderful, and the essence of them is the same. And when you can be grateful for where you're at and knowing that you're gonna get there regardless, but why not enjoy the fucking journey? And so that is the underlying energy that I'm running from now, when you release the attachment, you have to. The outcome and just have an awe and a wonder for life and just a trust with the universe, you have this underlying ease and the shift I've made in my nervous system the past six months to where I now just feel so in line and touch, it's so hard to put in words because I don't think we're always meant to, but looking back at the girl that thought her life was over because she had to stop working out and eat more and gain weight and stop going after her dreams, it was all in divine timing for me to let go of the things that weren't serving me and to really come back into alignment and flow with the journey. And, oh God, I am so grateful for that and that journey, lemme tell you, it was probably the hardest six months of my life, but it has brought me into a deep trust with the universe because I know that she always has a plan. And it may seem shitty in the moment, but when you have that deep trust. You know that the universe sees the bigger picture and yeah. So thank you Bella and Nikki for making me realize what this internal shift was that really hit the nail on the head. Another thing that happened in these six months is I, like I said, went on this deep. Subconscious healing journey of really looking at my past, of looking at my childhood and the systems that were running, my beliefs, or I guess the beliefs I had and the stories that we're running underneath. It's not fun to look at. I won't lie. But after you do it a couple times and you start to realize that every time you go into the darkness, you come out on the other side with more light and more love and more trust for yourself in the journey Once you dive, deep into it once, and then you come off the other side, you're like, okay, I can do that. So I'm gonna do a whole podcast on just my childhood with not even my childhood, but on A DHD and OCDI. I think I told you guys, I got diagnosed with a DD at a very young age about. Five, six, I got put on medication young I struggled with OCD silently. No one knew about it. And so I really wanna do a podcast on that because I did a lot of inner work and a lot of research on what A DHD even is, what OCD is, Opened up this whole other portal that I didn't even know was there about what these diagnosis even mean. Because when you're a young kid and you get told you have a DD, you have no idea what the fuck that means and you start making it mean something about you. And that's where a lot of my subconscious beliefs were revolved around and really going into learning more about myself. I think that's, if you could take away anything from this, the more you learn about that yourself, the more you love yourself. Because it is impossible to understand something and not have love and compassion for it I just realized A-D-H-A-D-H-D really is a sensitivity. It's people that are very sensitive and it's actually linked to quite a. Spiritual sensitivity, which I've always felt, and digging deeper into this just made me realize a lot of things about myself. And it made me stop judging the little quirks I had and the little the ways that my brain worked and it made me understand them. I think it's a gold mine to have us redefine A DHD because it's not a, it's not a imperative. It's not something that makes you less than, it's actually quite a superpower and I really wanna dive deep into that. So I wanted to lean more in, talk about the subconscious and. When you are asleep and unaware of what's driving your actions, as Carl Young says, until you make the unconscious conscious, it will rule your life and you will call it fate When you are unaware of. Why you do things and the underlying force that pushes you to do things that you're like, oh, why did I do that? Why did I say that? Why do I feel this way? It will run your life because you're sleeping to what is really going on underneath the surface. And that's why I love this work so much is because the, your subconscious is always showing you who you are for yourself. Once you can. Look through the eyes of compassion and curiosity. You can let go of the judgment and then you can soften and you can learn and heal. So I will say that softening is the first key. So I wanted to end this podcast with just telling you guys about. What I am navigating now and what I'm excited to bring forth, and that is subconscious healing. I can say from firsthand, it has changed my life in so many ways that this podcast right now does not have time for me to list off. Sometimes we're so close to the story and we are so in the story. Just like a fish, it's always lived in water, doesn't know anything else. We've always lived in the story, so we don't see that we're in it, and we're wondering why things aren't working. We're wondering why we lost our period. We're wondering why we feel exhausted. We're wondering why. We have this underlying sadness and insecurity. It's because we have a belief that doesn't fit, it doesn't fit or align with us. And our body and our mind and our emotions are trying to tell us that, Hey, look at this. Release it The things that shut these signals off change over time. And until we realize. What we're shutting out, we stay asleep. So I wanna say this, that the first key to really opening up and letting your subconscious and your body talk to you is to soften. One. If you're constantly judging yourself and constantly berating yourself, your body, your subconscious, it's not gonna be open to working with you. Bringing awareness and love to the little girl who did feel like there was something wrong with her. Not telling her that she's wrong for feeling that way. once I got past the limiting story, once I was able to see it and get out of it and rewire my. Subconscious to believe there is nothing and was never anything wrong with me. I was then able to see the even deeper roots, which were, it's not safe to be me. It's not okay to have needs. And my body was looking out for me. I was living in a world where my body thought that it was not safe to be me. That's what I was telling myself My whole body took action with the belief I had that it wasn't safe to be me. There's a lovely quote by Peter Crone. He says, I don't solve problems. I dissolve them. And that's why this work is so special because there was nothing wrong with you in the beginning. you don't even have to fix anything because there's nothing to fix. And it just opens up this beautiful landscape of a you, you didn't. Even recognized was there, but always was. And I do feel that the depression we feel is the opposing forces in us when you choose to go against source. When we hand our power over, we hand our power to our limiting beliefs. It binds us to a reality that's not true. And that's when the deep suffering and the depression comes in, is because we're believing something that's not true. there is a beautiful place where you are free from the things you think that you will never be free from. Like for me, I thought I'd always have this, that dark cloud hanging over me. I remember when I talked to my therapist for the first time, it was a hypnotherapist actually, and. I remember telling her, there's this dark cloud and it's always around me and it's always gonna be there, and I'm so scared that I'll never be able to get away from it. And it was never the dark cloud that was making me suffer. it was information telling me. That I was living my life through a limiting lens, and it was telling me that I was believing things about myself that weren't true. Of course, I would suffer because I was going against what my soul had planned for me, and I was coming at it from an energy that was not great. It was a low energy, and it was. Draining everything I had because all I was doing was trying so hard to not be me, and we were trying so hard to not be you. You get exhausted because the only per, the only person you're here to be is you. My beautiful people. And I'm also talking to myself right now because I feel this deep purpose to express myself authentically and honestly. I had such a. Obsession with finding my purpose. And when I really asked myself why? Why do I wanna find my purpose so bad? What is it gonna give me that I don't already have? And what I realized is I thought it would give me a reason for people to want me, a reason for people to love me. And when you realize that, that's so far from the truth Love is not conditional. Even though we've been taught that it is, it is not. And I have now realized my purpose in all of this with me trying to find my purpose. I couldn't find it because I was looking for something that was always there. My purpose is not what I do on the external. It's who I be and my purpose is. Being my authentic self, that's my purpose. And I feel such a deep softening when I say that and when I realize that it's been there the whole time and it's not, my purpose is not physically what I put out. It's how I be and it's gonna change, but the essence is always being true to myself. That is fucking liberating. Let me tell you. So my beautiful people, I know this podcast was lengthy. I know it was all over the place. I'm just getting back too into it and you know, I'm just. Speaking from the heart here. So I hope you feel my heart. I hope you feel the emotion in it, and I hope you feel the authenticity in it. I cannot wait for more podcasts to where I can really dive deeper into some of the subjects I talked about. And again, wherever my curiosity takes me, I can't wait to have some close friends on the podcast. I have also opened myself up to beautiful relationships, Future guests that I've not met yet. I'm excited to meet you. Let's fucking go guys. This is episode 17 of the Fluided podcast. I'm so happy I'm back. If you resonated with this, if it's touched you in any way, please like, subscribe, do all the shit. I love you. Peace out y'all.