EP20: - Lets flip this shit on its head, the link between depression, spirituality and ADHD.

This episode is my reflection on the book The Awakened Brain by Lisa Miller, who is a clinical psychologist and professor at Columbia. She conducted pioneering research at the intersection of neuroscience and spirituality. You can literally map spirituality in the brain. her book talks about interconnectedness of spiritualty and depression and I share my personal touch. I also link my experiences with ADHD and how I made a connection between ADHD, Depression and spirituality. 

Transcript

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it's innate spiritual hunger, and everyone has this. Everyone has that innate spiritual hunger. No one's left out right. Where the pain is, is the portal of entry, the pain of the depression, of whatever you're going through, it's not against you, it's for you. She also says, and it's a bold statement and I fucking love it. The first step of awakening is depression. Hello, beautiful people. Welcome back to the Fluidity Podcast. This is episode number 20 and it is all about the link between Depression, spirituality, and A DHD. So let's flip that shit on its head. Am hyped up for this fricking podcast today. I read the book, the Awakened Brain by Lisa Miller. She is a clinical psychologist and professor at Columbia. This book was, without a doubt, one of my favorites. I loved it. Um, as you can see,'cause I'm doing a podcast around it, she conducted. Pioneered research at the intersection of neuroscience and spirituality. She literally mapped spirituality in the brain, and her book talks about the interconnectedness of spirituality and depression. With someone who grew up. With a DHD and depression at a young age. This book spoke to my soul and it connected so many dots and it felt so true in my heart and I am so excited to share it with you guys today. And of course, I'm gonna bring in. My personal experiences, my tangents on here. I do have some notes and some things I wanna talk about, that pertain to the book and some actual quotes and just kind of explain the areas in our brain that you can really see spirituality. And what I love about her work is it shows that depression is not, something that's wrong with you, it's not a default. Neither is a DHD and she explains how depression is a hunger for spiritual awakening. At least two thirds of the time, it's the soul screaming for an expanded awareness. It's not so much a pathological depression she explains that it's innate spiritual hunger, and everyone has this. Everyone has that innate spiritual hunger. No one's left out right. Where the pain is, is the portal of entry, the pain of the depression, of whatever you're going through, it's not against you, it's for you. She also says, and it's a bold statement and I fucking love it. The first step of awakening is depression. she explained that it's basically the depression is a banging at the door, a calling to wake up, and every brain is capable of awakening. No one's left out, but it is a choice. It's a choice and it's a practice and you have to do the work. So first I want to really. Dive into the book and the things that I thought were super interesting and that I thought everybody should know. And then I will go into a little bit of the brain and then I'm gonna go into a DHD and how. I believe A DHD is woven into this. By the way, I just wanna make a note here that in the book she does not talk about a DHD at all. I made the personal, link between all of this, because you may know, you may not, but there is a huge link about a 50% chance of kids that grow up with a DHD, or I think it's 50 to 70% develop. Depression later on in life or even, adolescence. And there's a reason for that. and it shows in the brain. And reading this book, it like opened up so much for me as far as linking depression and a DH ADHD together. And I'll explain why. And you may be thinking, Hannah, I don't wanna listen to a podcast about. Depression. A DHD, like it sounds very depressing, no pun intended. And I wanna stop you right now because this is a empowering episode. Because the thing that some of us, I mean, I was very afraid of my depression, and I know that sounds weird, but anyone that has depression knows, it's a scary place to be, but to have this awareness and this gift that she's given us of really understanding depression and it's not something to be afraid of. And it's not something, that is wrong with people. It's actually such a gift and it is. Woven into an experience. It is a biological thing that happens because it's the first step to awakening, and most of the time you need a catalyst right to change. So I just wanna say that here because I know, like the old me a couple years ago that would've heard, would've seen this title on a podcast or anything, I would've flipped right through and be like, I, I already have that shit in my life. Why do I need to listen to it? So, no, this is a very empowering. Podcast. If you're a nerd like me, you're gonna love it. If you're not a nerd, you're gonna love it. So let's get into it. okay, so I wanna start out with one of the quotes from the book that I loved and I wrote down that I wanted to expand on. And it is the long term, the spiritual engaged brain is a healthier brain. Suddenly, depression didn't look like an illness, at least not all the time. It looked like the sensitivity or a perceptual capacity, a knock at the door for the opportunity of an awakened brain. Those who are prone to depression or more sensitive to depression also are more sensitive to a spiritual awakening or the deepening of a spiritual awareness. And I felt this was very interesting because if you look at anybody who has come into their power, who has. An amazing outlook on life and their perception of life and their wisdom, their groundedness. They often have done something amazing like build their own business or, you know, just found their purpose or is living their purpose and or helping others. And you just see them, you're like, wow, they're radiating. If you go back to their. Years before you see them at their peak, they'll probably tell you that they went through some shit and they had many deaths. Before they got to that place. Many ego deaths. Many like a spiritual awakening. There's not one person. And I've, lemme tell you, I've listened to a lot of spiritual podcasts. I've listened to a lot of people's spiritual awakenings. I know every, all the people that I look hope to, I know their stories and all of them start with exactly what Dr. Miller is saying with a depression, with a. Hole in their hearts where they feel so hopeless, like nothing could ever change. And then they have this epiphany and they realize that this place that they're in in life is there for a reason and it actually turns out way better than they could ever expected. And it starts at the depression that is stage one. And she's completely right. Next quote I wanna expand on. Depression and spirituality appeared to be two sides of the same coin. Vastly different experiences that in fact share some. Significant psychology. I had long wondered from a clinical perspective, if some types of depression might be a synonym of a person's craving for spirituality and a call for the spiritual self to awaken. Wow. I relate to this tenfold. I don't think anymore. I don't think depression and spirituality are separate. I think they're one and the same. And what she's basically saying here is when you're in that hole of hopelessness and you feel like you can't get out, you feel like you can't get away from your thoughts, your fears, it is a calling from your soul. It's not something to run from, and I know from experience. When we see someone or ourselves in a depression, we have the narrative that something's wrong with us, that we've done something to deserve it, that we're just, we just we're set up to fail in life. another quote I wanna add in here is it was a huge insight that people most prone to depression might be more profoundly enriched by spirituality. That is sensitivity to depression existed alongside a sensitivity to spirituality resulting in greater neurone strength. People at low risk for depression still benefit from spirituality. But for those at high risk, for depression and cortical thinning, spirituality mattered even more. Perhaps these are our artists, writers, faith leaders, shamans and musicians, particularly sensitive to experience and quote out. When I heard this quote, it ring true in every part of my body. Like what I said earlier, pain is the portal. And when you get on the spiritual path and when you start to realize that pain and joy. Are one and the same again, it's a paradox I love the way she paints this picture because she basically is saying that those more prone to depression have that much more capacity to be enriched by spirituality. And I can definitely say that is the truth in my life. I'm gonna drop in my personal story here. One of'em, I was diagnosed with A DHD at seven, and from a young age I felt this dark cloud hanging over me Never really wanted people to know about it. because I already thought I had something wrong with me, with the A DH adhd. And then I'm like, now I'm just a, now I'm, you know, depressed. And I understood what depression was. at a early age, I knew the term depression. And by the age of 16 I went to a therapist and I got put on, Antidepressants and it made me a numb human. It didn't make me happy, didn't make me sad, it made me feel nothing basically, it basically numbed me out. I can see now looking back that it was spirituality knocking at the door, but I didn't answer. So I went on to drink. I went on to do many drugs, and I partied a lot. I partied so much that I didn't have time to realize I was depressed. But because the moment I stopped partying or, being involved with boys or, anything that's gonna distract me, I. couldn't handle being alone. I couldn't handle, not having something to stimulate me. And if you know anything about A DHD, that's very common. But, you know, not being taught that I had a DHD really took a toll on me because when you see things different, when you don't act like the other kids, when you. You know, are told that, oh, you have a DHD, but You're gonna grow out of it You don't grow out of a DH adhd. You learn about it and you learn yourself. And A DHD is in a, isn't a disease. I refuse to believe that because there's so many more prose to it now that I'm learning about it. But I do think it's detrimental when a kid doesn't know what A DHD or how they're different because I mean, I disowned the fact that A DHD until probably a year ago because I thought that it was a disease. I thought that. There was something wrong with me, and so I like shut it outta my head and shut it out of my awareness because I wanted to deny the fact that I had it. And that in and of itself brought me to a deeper depression, from about 18 to 22, 23. It is the thing that brought me to my spiritual path because it was, I remember my first ego death I had, and it, I remember having very dark, suicidal ideations at that time, and I remember feeling very alone and it was in that moment. That I still didn't answer the call and I just decided to work more to distract more, and it got to the point where I had to listen and I think that's, I think that's prevalent to all of us, right? We get a couple knocks at the door, we don't listen, and then it gets louder, and then it gets louder. Then it gets louder, and then the alcohol doesn't numb it, and then the Adderall doesn't help. And then the TV doesn't numb us. The boys don't make a difference. The people that you used to hang out with don't resonate. your whole life is flipped upside down and you look at it and you say. none of this can mass the pain or the hole in my heart, none of it. And that's when I started to change my life around. And I'm still on that path. We're always on the path, but I look at that as now. When I first got into spirituality, I still had this, subconscious belief that the A DH, adhd, the Depression was my fault, that I did something that I was just a very unlucky human being that, had some shit in her brain that was, again, that was a default at birth. Reading her book and really understanding what depression is, it's the first step to awakening. So now I wanna talk a little bit about, how spirituality shows up in the brain. And so I'm gonna explain to you what I read in the book about the four patterns that emerged, in her study. so you don't have to believe me by just what I said. I am going to give you the facts. I'm going to give you the science behind these claims that depression is the first stage to awakening. Okay. So I want to explain to you the four patterns that she describes in the book that she saw in her research in her. Studies that she ran on the On brains, on Real Life people. And one of the first things that came through was a deactivation, a powering down of the default mode network. So basically that is the rumination box. The region that often stimulates incessant self rumination during depression that draws us away from the present moment. That's one thing, The second thing was related to our attention networks. Now we have two attention networks. One is the dorsal attention network, so that is a narrow focus connected to achieving, connected to the achieving awareness that I will touch on a little bit later. They found that spiritual experience engaged the ventral. Attention network, which is where we see that the world is alive and talking to us. It literally opens us up to knowing that there is something out there guiding us because it is available to the information outside our immediate conscious awareness or control, allowing us to receive unanticipated, but personally meaningful perceptions. This is basically saying that we're able to receive divine guidance and perceive that we are being guided by something larger than ourselves. Okay, so that was number two. Number three is the frontotemporal network is where we feel the warmth. We feel the warm, loving embrace of others and of life itself. So it's the bonding network. The brain perceives this when we do the spiritual work because it perceives that there's something real out there, loving us. It literally opens us up to feel unconditional love from the universe. And there's a part in the brain that shows us that. And this part of the brain also lights up when we're in the embrace of our mother or we're with our partner. And when we have that bonding with. Somebody else. So the same part of the brain that lights up when we feel love from a human being. that part of the brain lights up when she brought people into spiritual experiences, the same part of the brain lit up because it was perceiving unconditional love. the next one was the parten lobe. I dunno if I'm saying that right, Parten. Sure. We'll go with it. Um, this is where, this is what causes us. This is the part of the brain that causes us to perceive separation, also oneness. In the spiritual experience, the hard fix boundaries diminish where we once saw only separation. We now see oneness as well. So we're able to see the paradox basically, and to know that we matter. We belong, and we're never alone. Like I said, it shows us we're oneness and also separate being in a. This body suit, right? So it's the perception of knowing both. And I love her work because as you can see, we all have the same, we all have the same brains, right? They not the same, but you get what I mean. We all have the same spiritual part of the brain. We all have access to it. And this engagement appeared. To be a matter of choice. The same healthy, young adult brain could be used for stress, for isolation, hopelessness, worry, addiction, and craving, or for spiritual engagement. Woo. Some crazy stuff. Y'all. So she then goes on to explain, two different awarenesses. Achieving awareness, which I, she didn't link it to this, but I linked it to the ego and another thing that she calls the awakened awareness. Now there's, we need both of them. I just wanna state that out right now before I explain them. We need both of these in harmony on this 3D planet. Okay. So achieving awareness, she explains, is goal oriented and driven by external success. Performance and control. It's the mindset many people use in schoolwork and social life. When we lived through our achieving awareness, our foundational concern is how can I get and keep what I want? This is a very lonely, inherently empty way to be. Even having everything can feel like having nothing. This perception of emptiness just makes us want more and to try harder. And so this is what gets us trapped in that rat race, right? But it's, it's an empty reward, it's that spiritual will hunger that two thirds of the time that depression is pushing us towards, So, you know, it becomes a craving, an addiction. We need a bigger and bigger dose to feel good, but no amount of control or success will extinguish the craving. And as I told my story earlier, I needed more and more and more. I mean, this can track all the way in my life. For example, when the alcohol and the Adderall. Were weren't doing the job of numbing. I then went on to working a lot and in fitness, and when I worked so much and worked out so much that I got burnt out and again, that didn't numb the pain anymore, that is when I really was like, all right. All right, I'm ready to awaken because I was exhausted and I kept going on that, that circle and that rat race of like, you know, the snake eating its own tail. It was like a never ending cycle, and we're the only ones that can break it. So I equated the achieving awareness with the ego. The ego's not bad. The ego's not wrong, but if that's the only thing we're driven by, then it becomes a problem. Now, I do wanna talk about the default mode network because I also, in my little creative way, connected the ego and the achieving awareness to the default mode network. So the reason why I bring all up the default mode network is because in her book. Lisa's book, she talks about how the default mode network is very, connected to depression and basically an overactive default mode network is linked to depression. And a little side note, the default mode network is also overactive in A DHD shocker. I'll get to more of that later. So the default mode network is in simple terms. A brain network that is more active when we're not actively engaged in a task. So in depression, this network seems to become overactive, particularly in areas involved in self-reflection and rumination. This increased activity might be a contributing factor to the negative thoughts and self-criticism that are common in depression, and the default mode network is. Our sense of self. It's where our sense of self is. It's where the internal thoughts originate. It's that what if kind of thinking, it's the sense of urgency. It's the subjective self, the narrative self. So where we, you know, where the stories, where the narratives are in our brain, it's in the default mode network. And it's also responsible for our inner dialogue. So as you can see, the default mode network, to me, when I was researching the default mode network, it very much so reminded me of the part of the brain that could be linked to ego. I found that very fascinating and I also looked up in chat GBT because I was like, there's no way no one else has made this link before. I put is a default mode network connected to ego. And I mean chat, GBT agreed with me. But I mean, you can be your own discerner if you think so. Now I wanna explain the awakened brain. Dr. Miller explains that when we engage our awakened awareness, so like I talked about earlier with the four patterns in the brain that showed. Spirituality. When we engage our awakened awareness, we make use of different parts of our brain, and we literally see more integrating information from multiple sources of perception. Instead of seeing ourselves as independent makers of our path, we perceive ourselves as seekers of our path. We look across a vast landscape and ask, what is life showing me now instead of. What can I get? How can I get it, and how can I keep what I want, which is the achieving awareness. So the awakened awareness is seeing that life is talking to us. It's seeing that we are innately perfect the way we are, and that we trust. What life has to offer us. And we are so grateful to be in this experience because we're experiencing, and so we're not attaching ourself to the outcomes. We're not attaching ourselves to, I need this, I need this, or else I won't be happy. It's universe life. I, I fucking trust you. You know I'm on the ride and I know there's purpose in everything I do. I know there's purpose in every single moment of my life. I honor that and I listen to what life has to say to me, and this is where synchronicities come up. When you have an awakened awareness, because you know that everything around you is teaching you something. It's for you. Everything in your life is for you, and it's not against you. That is the perspective of the awakened brain. like I said before, we need both achieving awareness and awakened awareness, just like how we need the ego and we need our spiritual essence, right? So integration is key. If we're using just our achieving awareness, we're caught up in what we have and what we don't have. We measure purpose and success by outcomes, life becomes narrow and stressful, right? So we can't just live in the achieving awareness, but we also can't live just in the awakened awareness where we're up in the clouds and you know, we don't do any action. We're just meditating all day. We don't wanna go outside, we don't wanna communicate with people. We just wanna be. In our meditation, in our dream world, that also is not healthy and it's not why we're here. So we need both. We need both. We need the yin and the yang. Now I wanna talk about quest orientation. So Quest orientation basically integrates the achieving and the awakened awareness, and she explained Quest orientation is characterized by a tendency to journey in life to be open to change, search for answers to meaningful personal decisions and big existential questions. So she basically. Describes quest's orientation as someone who is open to life that is not attached to the external world. By the way, there's a difference between it's not saying that you can't like nice things, but it's when you have an attachment to it is the problem. So she's basically saying Quest orientation is when you're open to receiving messages from. All around you and asking what is life showing me versus how can I get what I want? she also explained that quest's orientation or Quest awareness, the subjects who reported that they lived in a state of quest with spiritual lives. Which included openness and perceiving surprising answers and changing their view had better connected brains than those who were less open. it's basically fluidity in your life and letting things flow where they may not trying to control, restrict your life into what you think it should be. And interestingly, she explains that some of the same networks of the brain that are highly connected in Quest awareness are Dysfunctionally connected in depression, which is the default mode network and the Sants network. Also interesting. Those are the two parts that are affected by A DHD as well. this has made it clear that it's no surprise that people with A DHD are more prone to depression because the two things that she states in her book that are dysfunctional in depression are also dysfunctional in A DHD. So I, I already explained the default mode network, but I wanted to touch on the Sence network,. The Sence Networks basically helps us to switch between internal and external processing, deciding which brain network. Either the default mode or the central exec executive network is in control. So basically this is the switch between task positive network. So when you're actively like in the zone doing something, like you don't have that chatter in your mind and that that self-talk taking you outta the present moment, that's what the PO the Task Positive Network is. So it's the Assence network, is a switch between the task positive network and the default mode network, which I already explained to you what the default mode network. I thought that was very interesting. And like I said, in individuals with A DHD, this switching may be impaired resulting in weaker interactions between these networks. Now, she also explains. Why spirituality is the key to healing depression, and it's not even healing depression because depression, it's not like it's a bad, it's not like it's something that needs to be healed. It's something that needs to be brought awareness to and brought spirituality. Spirituality can look different for everybody. It's not saying that you have to do this, this, and this. It's whatever brings you closer to God's source, the universe. That is what she's talking about, and she also shows why mindfulness is so helpful and why mindfulness is probably the first step in any spiritual practice. So basically, mindfulness helps us turn up the command control at the front of the brain from focusing and strengthening our intention and it. Turns down the default mode network quieting the negative holds of runaway thoughts. So all this got me thinking, what if A DHD was a way to ensure spiritual awakening and connecting of the awakened brain? It is the catalyst. The very thing that we thought was wrong with us is actually our greatest gift and superpower, but it is our choice. And when we live in a world where we aren't taught how to harness our gift, we get pushed to the side and told that there's something wrong with us. So I'm gonna bring in the A DHD side there there's this quote that someone explained A DHD as that I thought was very helpful and it was to think of a DHD, like you were given a Ferrari brain. a Ferrari brain goes super fast and it can think a million things at once, and it only becomes a problem when you need to hit the brakes or slow down it's like, or if you don't know how to steer it right, then it becomes a problem. And when we don't know about A DHD when we don't know what it is, we don't know how to steer. We don't know how to slow down, I wanna debunk A-D-H-D-A little bit right now as far as seeing it as a disease or a curse, you know? there are four key things in A DHD that if you look it up, it will. say these four things, right? Inattention, sensitive distractibility and hyperactivity. Now, I wanna break these down a little bit because I also believe that A DHD is a portal to spirituality. I know that's a big claim. I will definitely do a whole nother podcast on A DHD. But for right now, this is just a little teaser for you. So talking about inattention. What is an attention, right? I think people get it confused, like, oh, people with a DH, adhd, they can't focus, you know, they have no focus, blah, blah, blah, blah. That's not true. So people with a DHD, myself included, are not, they just don't have attention for things that don't excite them. So. It's just really inattention on things that you aren't interested in Hyperfocus is actually a trait of A DHD and hyperfocus happens when myself or someone with a DH ADHD is super interested in something and I've seen this out throughout my whole life. And it's basically showing you that you aren't doing something. You enjoy when you're not focused on it. Right? When you can see that A DHD isn't a, isn't a disorder, you can see that it is your greatest ally because it's showing you a, this is not for you. Like I said, hyper focus is a thing. I can focus on some if I'm interested in something. Those who know me know this, I can focus like no fucking other, like I have almost to a point where sometimes it's, I focus a little bit too much. And so I believe A DHD was given to us right now as a collective to break us out of. The way school systems are right now. You know, we're forcing kids to sit in school for eight hours a day learning shit that honestly, I don't believe they need to know. And that's a personal opinion. I think there's way better things to teach kids at a young age, and letting them use their creativity and, do things that is gonna set them up for their life, not teach them. Things that the, that the government wants kids to know. You know what I mean? And also, I just wanna say a DHD, like these people, you're naturally more creative. Your brain was built for creativity and it physically hurts you to live and do things because you're told, and it makes it harder to live by the book. Somebody else wrote. And so I see a DHD as a superpower in this way because it has been my guiding force. And even though I get frustrated with myself, you know, why can't I just learn this? Why can't I just have my focus on things that other people can. No, because I wasn't built that way, and I'm built to have a focus on things that my soul wants to evolve in, not the things that society tells me to. The next thing is sensitive, so when we don't know that we're highly sensitive. You shut out your superpower when you're young. People with a DHD, your highs are higher and your lows are lower than the average person. But that's not always a bad thing. Yes, I feel the lows on my fucking lows like low, low, but I feel the fucking highs are the highs. So I have a huge bandwidth of feeling capacity. People have this negative connotation with, lows, and I'm still working on my relationship with the lows a hundred percent. We all are forever, but I'm, I'm at a way different place than I was with the awareness that I have. The next is distractibility. but I wanna rephrase that as curiosity so we can use this trait to our advantage. it's where really good ideas come from because distractibility, we're thinking outside the box and we see things from a different perspective. So distractibility. I mean, that can mean anything. I'm really not a fan of that word. It's because our brains work so fast that yeah, it may seem that we're distracted, but I think that's who you ask. I think that's subjective. All right. The next one is hyperactive. So you know, having a lot of energy. Doesn't always mean bouncing off the walls, running around. it does a lot, it does show a lot in boys, but hyperactivity can also mean having a lot of energy in the head, in the mind. So it's a lot harder for people with a DHD to ground because they have so much energy in the head in the mind center, which I so much so relate to. There's been times where I have so much in my head that it's like I want to pull my hair out. it's just a lot of energy. It's just a lot of thoughts. It's a lot of fast paced emotions, things going on. And so I think people get it wrong when they think that it's just someone that's hyper. You may not even see someone who's hyperactive because it's all internal. again, I think the spiritual side of all this is that we are not meant to be in the old model of education. We're not meant to be in the old model of how society is. When they call A-D-H-D-A disorder, they're basically saying something's wrong with that person so, yeah, to make the connection between. DHD, depression and spirituality. I am not a fan of the word disorder, or disease. You know, they call depression a disorder. They call A-D-H-D-A disorder or disease. And that's so far from the truth because like I just stated above, there is no. There is no fuck up here. there's nothing wrong here with a DHD or depression. They're both portals, in my opinion, to a much bigger perspective on life. And like I said, I'm gonna do a whole podcast on A DHD and the superpowers of it, There is some downsides to having a DHD with anything but it, it's all here to teach us a lesson, and so is, you know, your lowest of lows. And it's all about creating a different relationship with these lows, with these things we have in our life. I am now creating a whole new perspective and a whole new relationship with A DHD and the depression that I felt at an early age. And just understanding that I have a, I feel things deeper, makes so much sense to me. And for the longest time I thought that there was something wrong with me. This just brings me so much validation and I hope that some of this brought whoever's listening, some validation and some aha moments and. Yeah, I, again, I'm gonna do more podcasts on A DHD, and I just want you all to know that you are born perfect and there was no mistake ever nothing wrong with you. You were given everything you need to succeed in this life, and I wholeheartedly believe that. So my beautiful, beautiful listeners, I love you so much. If this resonated with you, please comment, please send me a message. I'd love to hear from you. And as always, like, subscribe all the shit. All right, beautiful people. Hannah, signing out. I will see you next week.