EP21: A year of no alcohol, top 6 things I have learned

We all have that one thing that is our excuse for hiding who we truly are, the thing that dimes our light and potential. Today I will talk about my relationship with alcohol and why I decided to quit drinking for this year, and what I’ve learned in this year alcohol free. 

Support the podcast: 

https://www.paypal.com/donate/?hosted_button_id=BCLJEUKB249QJ

Transcript

0:00

I thought that quitting drinking would solve all my problems, that I wouldn't have to do any work, and that was the biggest lie of the century. Because when quit drinking is when the real healing started. this Year I've done the most healing I've ever done, and it's because I let the alcohol go, but it wasn't my problem because your problems are not outside of you. All it was doing was numbing the thing that needed to be healed, which was my relationship to myself. Hello, beautiful people. Welcome back to the Fluidity Podcast. This is episode number 21 and it is a very special one, very, very, very special to my heart. tomorrow, actually Marks the one year of no drinking. And so this podcast is gonna be what I've learned in this year of no alcohol and my top five. Top five things I have learned in this year. I actually might say six things because there's a bonus. So I'll just say there's five things and then plus a bonus because the bonus kind of ties in with the fifth thing I learned. I had my birthday party two days ago. It was on Saturday, and I actually wrote down. The five things that I've learned in this year. I was just kind of reflecting and then I went to my party, I wasn't drinking obviously. And yeah, some shit came up for sure. And so that's why I added on to the fifth lesson, because I definitely learned it heavily this weekend. So I also thought it was interesting that. This is episode 21, and I don't know, I equate 21 with the drinking age. I just thought that was funny. But anyway, before I get into the top five things that I've learned, I do just wanna say that we all have that one thing that is our excuse for hiding who we truly are. That thing that dims our light and potential. That thing for me was alcohol. And it wasn't so much the root cause of my problems, and we'll get into that. But before I get into the five things, I wanna give y'all a little backstory on my relationship with alcohol because I think it does add some texture and give you some context to go off of and hopefully maybe, maybe not hopefully, but you might be able to relate to my story. I also wanna say this podcast is not about shaming alcohol or people that drink alcohol. I'm not a fan of that. I think everyone has their own story, and I don't think alcohol is bad. I think how we use it and the intention behind it can lead to problems, but alcohol in, in of itself is not bad. So this is not shaming anything about alcohol or people that drink, just so you know. So let's get into my story, my relationship with alcohol. I started drinking at the age of about 16 drugs came in not long after that. It started as drinking, you know, every weekend with friends. It was, it was innocent, it was experimenting. Then it became the thing I lived for. The only thing I cared for junior and senior year was when I could drink next. During summer was obviously more often because I didn't have school. I was very depressed. My senior year of high school, I. I remember telling my doctor nothing felt good anymore. I felt empty. I felt alone, and like there was no meaning to life. And I, I was at a young age, you know, I was. Diagnosed with A DHD and I was given amphetamine salts, Adderall at a young age. So I had some mental health problems before I even started drinking, but when I started drinking at, in high school, it's made everything 10 times worse and alcohol affected me 10 times worse than everybody else. As far as mental health, I didn't have the awareness. I do now to know that because everyone else seemed to do fine with it. And it was also just a never ending cycle because it, the alcohol made me feel worse, but in feeling worse, I wanted to drink more. So yeah, so I went to the doctor. I was very depressed. They didn't know I was drinking, I don't believe, I don't think I told them. So my doctor prescribed me anti-depression meds. I believe it was Prozac. So I was taking Prozac and Adderall, my senior of high school, and I think I continued that, a little bit through college. but I was actually prescribed Adderall at a young age. Like I just said, I hated it. So I didn't take it for a big chunk of time between, the beginning of middle school to about junior or senior year, that there was a big break in between there that I didn't, take Adderall. So then I went to college. I went to Central and the drinking, the drugs, you know, that increased immensely. I was on my own. By the time I got to sophomore year of college, I was full blown addicted to Adderall. In college, I didn't go to class. I partied most days. I also lived with girls that were way older than me, so they were all 21. I was still, you know, 18, 19. And so it was easy for me to get alcohol and we had a party house, so we literally had a party pretty much every night of the week. You know, drinking Adderall cigarettes. That was like my trio. I pretty much failed out of college. I came home and then I started bartending the drinking Adderall cigarettes, you know, that continued. The trio continued and I didn't wanna admit anything was wrong. I always was the one who had it all together I didn't wanna let anyone know that I was struggling because I didn't wanna seem weak. I didn't wanna be vulnerable. That was like my kryptonite. So this continued till about 23, 24 when I had my first, I would say, spiritual awakening. Even though during that I had no idea what it was. I remember just feeling more depressed than I've ever felt. And yeah, it was the lowest of the lows. I then admitted to myself and others I was addicted to Adderall. But I felt no one took me seriously because everyone else around me was also using substances, and I really remember feeling so low that no amount of alcohol or Adderall or cigarettes could take away the pain like it was ma and i. I started to realize that it was making it worse, and so I started to take my life seriously. I quit. Bartending and I started working at Orange Theory Fitness and I started working out, and soon my addiction moved from substance to fitness, which I now see was the way out. But it still didn't solve, you know, the root, the root issue. But It did get me to a place where I needed to be, to start dabbling in the spiritual work to start, you know, start doing. Awareness practices and meditating. So I wasn't drinking as much, at least not during the weeks. I completely quit Adderall, like cold Turkey. But over the years I was still, drinking on the weekends heavily. And I would go on random benders. And I had the gym as my weekly distraction, I also had a family member who is an alcoholic, and I saw some of those patterns in myself So I was starting to pick up on these things. I realized that it was showing me something about myself. So on my 27th birthday, which was a year ago. I remember going out to a bar and I was drinking and it was absolutely terrible. And by this point I was already doing some internal work. I was, I was in the spiritual realm, but I felt like alcohol was the one thing holding me back from truly healing. and I was right, but it was also the scariest thing to quit because I had an identity as a party girl. As you know, you can only have fun when you drink, and you'll see in my top five things that I learned that I was using alcohol as a protection mechanism, to not feel my feelings, which I think a lot of us do. Yeah, so 27th birthday, I wasn't even having fun drinking anymore, like it was just. It wasn't even numbing the pain. So I'm like, why am I doing this to myself? So the next day I decided that was the last time I'm drinking for a year, and you know, alcohol also affected me Way worse than most. I mean, we all get hangovers, but mine was like 10 times more depressing and anxious and you know, it wasn't fun. It just kept digging me in a deeper hole. So that's a little bit about my story and why I decided to take a year, no drinking. I wanna go into my first lesson I put on here. Number one is my problems weren't caused by alcohol. I wanna say that again. My problems were not caused by alcohol. It was the manifestation of my deeper rooted issues that was playing out in me using alcohol to not notice them. I put this as number one, because when you blame something outside of yourself, healing can't begin. So for example, the first couple months of, or even, yeah, the first, I would say month or two of me quitting alcohol, I was blaming alcohol, that that was my problem. I thought that quitting drinking would solve all my problems, that I wouldn't have to do any work, and that was the biggest lie of the century. Because when I quit drinking is when the real healing started. To be completely honest, like I did some work I did before I quit drinking, and it got me to a place where I could be open to that. But this year I've done the most healing I've ever done, and it's because I let the alcohol go, but it wasn't my problem because your problems are not outside of you. All of it was doing was numbing the thing that needed to be healed, which was my relationship to myself. So you can get addicted to more than just substances, which I also learned in this year because I was very addicted to working out and controlling my food. So when I went, lemme backtrack when I, I. Cut down my alcohol and started going to the gym and kind of shifting my addiction onto the gym and constricting my food. I didn't cure myself of wanting to drink. I just shifted my focus to something else. So when I was still going out on the weekends, that's why I was still binge drinking is because I didn't. Healed the thing that was making me binge drink. I just shifted my focus during the week onto the gym onto, you know, constricting my food. So alcohol wasn't the problem. The gym wasn't the problem, the food wasn't the problem. It was all within me. And so when I had this pattern interrupt this year, which I've talked about on my other podcasts episode about how I had. Hypothalmic am amenorrhea, which is where your period stops'cause you're over exercising. So I had to heal myself through not only the addiction of drinking, but also the gym and, you know, constricting my food. But everything, all of that, I didn't blame the alcohol, I didn't blame the gym. I didn't blame, you know. Wanting to be skinny. I didn't blame those because it wasn't, that wasn't the problem. It was something deep within me that needed to be healed. And what the gym and what alcohol was doing was, it was just, I was hiding behind it. That's all I was doing. I was hiding behind the external safety nets I put up for myself. because I wasn't hiding behind the external safety nets I put up for myself, which was the drinking, the gym obsession, because I stopped all that and I really put healing at the forefront of my life and my main focus. this was definitely uncomfortable as fuck. And I can see why I put safety nets, because I didn't wanna feel, I wasn't letting myself get triggered in when I was drinking, when I was gonna the gym, I wasn't letting myself getting triggered. So when I took the safety nets away, this year was definitely filled of a lot of triggers and a lot of healing and a lot of uncomfortable feelings. But you can't heal if you don't feel it. And that's definitely a big lesson I've learned, but yeah, so alcohol, whatever the external thing, it's not, it's not the problem. it's a deeper wound that you're not looking at. And it also takes back your power because alcohol didn't have a hold on me. it doesn't so number two, the second thing I learned is the only thing wrong with you is that you think something's wrong with you. This quote is said by, I believe it was Peter Crone, and it encapsulates my life. God made you perfect for what you were meant to experience and what you're meant to bring to this world. There's no mistakes and there's no trying to be like someone else. It doesn't work. You gotta let your freak flag fly and honor your differences. And in turn, when you can honor your differences, you can honor everyone else's. And then everyone is safe to be themselves Also, I think when we're different than others, we take that as, oh, something's wrong with me. I gotta mold myself to be like somebody else. And that's a big lesson for me because my whole life I felt different. I didn't feel like I fit in. So I molded myself and I was really good at masking and. Fitting myself in spaces that I thought I needed to be. I was good at it. And when you mask so much though, you forget who you are. And then when you do have these uncomfortable things and they don't look like anybody else's, you're like, there has to be something wrong with me. Right. And that quote is so true because the only thing that was wrong with me was that I thought something was wrong with me because for. The last couple of years, all I was trying to do was try to fix myself, try to mold myself into something different because I didn't think who I was was appropriate or lovable. And when I learned that literally the only thing that was wrong with me is that I thought something was wrong with me, it opened up the door to truly be myself and truly be authentic. Now I will say I'm still learning to do that. It's not easy and it's very scary to be vulnerable and say your truth. When you say your truth, most likely people are gonna not agree with you. Not all the time when you're in the right room with the right people. not everyone's gonna agree on every single thing. And what I noticed I was doing was abandoning myself and how I thought to match someone else's so there wouldn't be any conflict. I wouldn't feel like I was wrong every time. I didn't agree with someone. I didn't make them wrong. I made myself wrong every single time. And as you know, and as I know now, two things can be fucking true at the same time. And we're all looking through different lenses. We're all looking through different experiences, so no one's wrong. And this was so healing for me to know and also. Healing my relationship with my a DD diagnosis and growing up with OCD and hiding all that I was angry that I was given the short end of the stick, but now I'm starting to see what amazing and what gifts they were, they weren't front at the time. Growing up with OCD and A DHD was not fun. I've Healed from the OCD mostly. And so I can say now that I'm grateful, but during it I was not. And it took some healing and really realizing that I did go through some pain. Sorry, that kind of took a side note, guys. Sorry. But anyway, let your freak flag fly. There's nothing wrong with you. God gave you literally everything you need to thrive. And yeah, it's not all sunshine and rainbows, but you fucking learn from. Challenges and that's why your challenges are your biggest ally. Number three is pain is a portal. We're meant to create y'all. Instead of running from the pain, dive into it and use it to create something beautiful. So this one is, is very powerful and I think encapsulates a lot of, A lot of the lessons I've learned is changing my relationship to emotions. Has taught me how to channel my gifts in a way they're meant to be used. Every gift has a shadow side, and every shadow has a gift. Like I was saying earlier in the previous point, our most perceived curse or challenge is our greatest gift. That is just begging you to unwrap it. And again, like I said, alcohol wasn't the problem, but it did give me that quick fix. It was. The bandaid that numbed the hunger for more. It numbed the hunger for more, just enough so I could keep playing small, so I didn't have to face my fear because I didn't understand A DHD. I didn't understand the A DHD brain. I didn't understand depression or sadness. I really blamed myself instead of seeing the portal that they were and the lesson that they were, Really seeing that the emotions are for me and not against me, and that my body's not against me. it's really been transformable. this next point. I want to start it with a quote. It is by Ned Howwell. He's a psychiatrist, a speaker and author, and he specializes in A DHD. I do wanna say this before I say the quote, just because it's through an A DH ADHD lens, doesn't mean you can't relate to it if you don't have a DHD, because I think anyone who has a big dream, who you know, who has a huge hunger for extraordinary and an extraordinary life, I think you're gonna relate. So the quote is. The person prone to addiction is searching, reaching for something more ordinary life just doesn't do it. We are born with our pleasure meter set, too low, and so to get ordinary pleasure, the kind of pleasure most people get just by waking up in the morning, we have to do something extraordinary to get ordinary pleasure. Now, the downside of this is that we'll use drugs as that something extraordinary. To get ordinary pleasure, but the upside is we will build something. We'll create something. And that's why we're so driven to become entrepreneurs who want to build something. And that's extraordinary means to get ordinary pleasure, but guess what? The world benefits from our reaching for the extraordinary end quote. Ooh. So I relate to this because I always felt this, yeah, this need to experience something extraordinary and my hunger for something more is beautiful, So we have this hunger for a reason. God gave you everything you need. This life to experience what your soul came here for. And so there's no mistake. And so that hunger for more is no mistake. But if we have a low self-esteem, if we think that something's wrong with us, we won't use this gift to build, to create, because we don't believe in ourselves. So the easiest way out is drugs, because drugs or alcohol, gives us that. You know, that feeling of expansiveness for a second, it gives us that feeling of. Wholeness for a second. It takes away the pain for a second. This energy is so potent. It wants to be channeled into something and there is no way that you were given this hunger that I was given this hunger for no reason. Yes. There can be a shadow. Shadow of this gift as you can see, my early teens and my early twenties showed the shadow side of, if you don't believe in yourself, this gift goes with the shadow because you're using drugs and alcohol instead of channeling your creativity and your gifts into something that will fill that hunger. But what is born from this is the gift of creating an extraordinary life, doing the mission you were born for. So when you can channel this energy into your life's mission, literally nothing can stop you. And I find that when I channel my creativity, my energy into things like this podcast, into my coaching, into all the things I'm passionate about that spark I get. no amount of alcohol, no amount of drugs, no amount of cigarettes can give me that. And once you know that, once you know you're born to create and you have an outlet for this creative energy, oh it's so liberating. And I do believe that we're all born with this creative energy. And when we let it sit there, I believe in my perspective. That is when we suffer, because we're not expressing, we're not giving and receiving with life. We're keeping our gifts inside, and that's what we're meant to do. We're meant to share our gifts because life is give and receive. So us giving our innate wisdom and gifts, we then get right back from life because it's a never entering cycle of give and receive. Oh yeah. I really feel this one because when I was in high school, I didn't think I was smart. I didn't think I could do anything. I had no self-esteem. And even though you can ask any one of my friends in high school, they would've told you I had confidence. I didn't. it was fake confidence, because I acted like I didn't care and I didn't have a thing to channel my energy into School wasn't my thing. I had a creative mind and so school wasn't my favorite thing. But I didn't believe I was creative because there was nothing in school that brought that creativity out of me. And no one I knew was doing anything creative. I didn't know how to channel it. A big lesson in this year is learning how to channel my creativity and express. Just express, because expressing yourself is creativity in itself because you're learning about yourself, you're learning about life. I just realized that I, I was editing my top five things I've learned and when I edited it a couple days ago, it messed up the counting. So I actually do have six top things. Then, I guess I have a bonus one, which is connected to the six. So anyway, I just wanna say that we're on number four now, which is investing in yourself and your passion is the best thing you can do for the entire world. I stand by that bold statement. When you invest in what you are good at and what you love you believe in yourself. You see. The purpose in life because you see your purpose, and it doesn't have to be anything extravagant. but it's how you show up in every moment. you invest in yourself, that is. self-love because you believe in yourself it can be scary to invest in yourself and your passions when literally no one else does. But that's when it counts the most. when you are doing the things you love, you remind everyone else about what life's meant to be. And that is enjoying life, loving life, expressing yourself, and being passionate about. What you do. I think this one gets looked over immensely because we don't believe that we're worth the investment. No one's gonna. Invest in you if you don't do it first yourself. And I mean, there's a caveat to that. Obviously your family, you know all these things, but if you can't wait for someone else to invest in you and believe in you, you gotta believe in yourself, and you gotta invest in yourself first. There's some people that can help you along the way and give you little nudges, but at the end of the day, it's all on you. All on you baby. All right, number five. the fifth thing that I've learned in this year of not drinking my connection with God, the creator, that that cannot be named and myself is the most important and fulfilling thing in my life because it brings true connection to myself, the earth, and people. And that's what life is about. this year, I've been really able to deepen my connection to God, to source to myself. when you start to go on the spiritual path and you open yourself up to relationship with God spirit, you automatically deepen that relationship with yourself because we're the microcosm and the macrocosm. So when you start working with yourself, you're also working with the macro, which is spirit, god, and when you have this deep connection with yourself. You don't lie to yourself. And you know when you have, when you feel the presence of God in your life and the synchronicities that it brings, when you start to talk to spirit and when you start to, you know, have a relationship with God, you honestly feel like you're not alone, even though yes, you do feel alone sometimes, but there's like an underlying essence that's always there, that you always feel held. And I think the reason I feel that is because I truly put my trust in life. I truly trust life. I trust what it's showing me. And instead of getting upset and thinking that I shouldn't be feeling this, seeing this, having this in my life, I step back and I say, I trust life. I trust God. That's the best thing that I've ever done because it takes away that underlying energy of anxiousness because you know everything's happening for you, not to you. So that was number five, number six. Now this is the final one, but I also have a bonus onto the sixth one. So the sixth thing I've learned in this year of not drinking is drinking was. A protection mechanism, not a way to have fun. the reason why I say that is drinking was a way for me to numb my feelings, and it made it easier to live not in my truth. It was easier for me to leave myself behind and yeah, the best thing I can say is that it protected me from feeling the things I'm about to explain. I always thought, and even the day I quit, I thought that drinking was, oh, it's just'cause I do that for fun. No, it was a protection mechanism. And when I took that away, I really saw what it was protecting me from. But it wasn't, it was like a fake protection because there was nothing to protect me from and the alcohol was actually the thing that was making it worse. The feelings were just begging me to unlock them and to get the lesson from them so I could. Enjoy life more. They weren't there to torment me. So that was number six. Now there's a bonus to this, and this goes a little bit, this is more vulnerable and more personal, but let's fucking do it. I was denying a part of myself that wanted to be, wanted to be chosen to feel special to someone in a way that no one else could be. I uncovered a deep belief that it wasn't okay to have needs. I thought that it made me weak or too needy, and part of me wanted to erase the need for someone because, you know, people lay you down and there is always someone better, hotter, more interesting. So, you know, it was safer to deny the part that needs to feel chosen. Because if I don't need anyone, then I will. Never have to feel rejected, that feeling when you aren't chosen because there's something wrong with you. Or if he doesn't choose me, does that mean I'm not special? Now that's not the truth, but that was in my, that feeling. That feeling, because I believed that was the truth. I never wanted to feel that, but because there's a wound there that was so deep. May, it makes it feel so visceral and so real. So my protecting mechanism is don't get too close and don't show my weakness or vulnerability with some tears and some deep reflection. I see. It doesn't, this doesn't mean that you're needy. It doesn't mean that you're too much. It literally means you're alive. We as humans, I mean, we have, we literally have a need to feel, wanted to feel loved. The reason I put this one in here is because, like I told you guys, I had a birthday party this weekend, and it was the first time since I was like, I don't know, 15 where I wasn't drinking. So There was nowhere to hide. I had to be with every last bit of the feeling of rejection and I was able to observe this part of myself. Well, actually there's two sides. There's two sides I observed the, the side that needs to feel chosen was so bottled up inside because I was so embarrassed of this part. And also scared to need someone because when you need someone, you, you know you're vulnerable. If you don't need someone, you're like, bye, I am good. But there comes a point when, where you can't shove it down anymore, and it literally felt like I was taken over by this side. when a situation triggers you, you don't have control over the motions and the shit it brings up, but you do have control over how you react to the trigger. I just wanted to put that in here because I feel like we judge ourselves, we judge others. We're getting emotional or triggered, but it's literally a biological and yes. With the more work we do, we can understand the triggers and not blow up at people. But don't blame yourself for being triggered because it's not your fault. It's showing you something and it's not something to be ashamed of. Okay. Now we have that cleared. There was another side that was created to protect me, which was having the belief that it is not okay to have needs. So during the night of my party, I was having an inner battle with myself, and I realized this was always there, but when I drank, I didn't have the self-awareness to observe and, and it just kept it in the shadows. So basically what sums up this whole podcast to heal, you have to feel it. I didn't wanna feel it because I believed that if someone didn't choose me or want me, then it meant something about me. I felt more deeply inside myself than I ever did. This weekend because I let myself feel that rejection. I let myself feel it, and I didn't have to feed into the stories that it was right. But I had to feel it. And I honest, I don't cry, to be honest with you. It has been very hard for me to let myself cry. I don't know the reason behind that, but ever since I was younger, I remember it's been like hard for me to. Show emotion as far as like crying. And for the first time in a long time, yesterday I cried and I felt it, and it felt amazing, truly. So again, the main lesson out of all of this, the whole year is that feeling deeply is a gift, because the more I feel, the more I understand myself and the more I can connect with myself. The more I can connect with others. Yeah, it hurts like hell, but it doesn't mean anything about you. And I think, yeah, that's, that's my biggest lesson. That's the biggest lesson I've gotten out of this year is there's nothing wrong with feeling these feelings. We all have'em. That's life. And that's to be alive and to embrace the shit out of it and don't let the fear of feeling certain things stop you from living. So yeah, as you can see, alcohol was, alcohol was not the problem. It was a coping mechanism. It was a protection mechanism. So I didn't have to feel. These things and I'm so grateful for, for this year. I'm so grateful for everyone that's been on my path and that has really made me feel included with this, this decision. This year deciding to not drink was the best decision I've ever made. And it'll stay with me forever because I now see what happens when you be real with yourself and you feel your feelings. I have opened up so much more for myself than I ever thought possible, and I know that's, it's gonna keep continuing. So if this hit you hard, if it made you realize some things. Good. Let it. Whew. Thank you for celebrating my one year of no alcohol by listening to this podcast. If. You loved it, liked it, like it up, leave a comment, send it to your friends. I love you so much and it means, lemme just say it means so much to me that you got through this whole fucking podcast like you are a real one. I love you. Have a great day, Hannah. Out Peace. I thought that quitting drinking would solve all my problems, that I wouldn't have to do any work, and that was the biggest lie of the century. Because when quit drinking is when the real healing started. Year I've done the most healing I've ever done, and it's because I let the alcohol go, but it wasn't my problem because your problems are not outside of you. All of it was doing was numbing the thing that needed to be healed, which was my relationship to myself.