EP22: The gap between your emotions and your mind + we don’t have to wait to celebrate

What if the people you love to be around are showing you something about yourself—not something you’re missing when they’re gone, but a part of you that wants to be more fully expressed? In this episode I talk about 3 perspective shifts/upgrades I have been navigating, & lots of personal reflection enjoy 😊

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Transcript

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I have learned so much my conscious brain, my mind has learned so much, but I haven't let my emotions catch up. And yes, those emotions might not match your current beliefs or perception of yourself. That is because these emotions belong to an old version of you, of yourself that didn't have the tools or the clarity you have now. I was trying to bypass the feeling part of healing. If I could just learn as much as I can about spirituality and mindset and emotions, maybe then I won't have to feel. If you don't feel you can't heal, and I learned that lesson hard this week. when I wasn't feeling these feelings or what have you, of course my creativity was suppressed because. I wasn't being real and I wasn't flowing with life. I was controlling it. And that is not a place where creativity wants to be. Hello, beautiful people. Welcome back to the Fluidity podcast, episode number 22. Let's get it. All right guys. So this podcast episode is gonna be very free flowing as usual. I have like three different main lessons that I've been learning and I truly feel like I'm on the other side of them, even though the lessons we learn. There's mostly more layers, but I do feel like I've been learning these lessons for a minute and they became very clear to me in the past couple weeks, really in the last week. And I was just called to talk about them and they, these topics excite me because they have been such a eye-opening experience for me and to really shed light on things that Weren't in my conscious awareness, in the past and they are now, and I can see so much clearly now. And so I wanted to share them with you I get excited about this kind of stuff definitely big perspective shifts on this episode and I'm gonna speak from the heart, so I hope you can feel it and I hope you can feel this transmission and let's fucking do it. The name of the episode is, or I might change it after I finish the episode because I think, I feel like things always come through, while I speak. So who knows? But my intention was for it to be about the gap between our emotions and our mind. Plus we don't have to wait to celebrate. So that's what's to come. But before I get into those things, there is an, honestly, this is probably one of the biggest lessons I've learned lately. About relationships and about, you know, the people that you love to be around are showing you something about yourself. Um, I've in my own life have been navigating, um, relationships and where I fit into them. The people pleasing tendencies, the masking tendencies, the don't ruffle any feathers, be what people want you to be. And I thought that I got out of that, but. In reality, I was realizing some things, that was still playing out. And I'm so grateful because I can see them now and I can then show up in a different way, in a more authentic version without letting these subconscious narratives run my life. So basically what was happening was people in my life, anyone that I. Admired or which I admire people, I admire humans. the people in my life recently have been above amazing and, which is great, but the way I was relating to people in my life was they have something I don't, for example. I have some friends who were very much so showing things in me that I felt like I was lacking, that I didn't have, and that that brought some sadness because if you really dive deep into emotions, which I have been lately, Aaron Apey explains the three ego emotions. One of them is sadness and sadness. If you get to the root of it, it's because you feel like you're lacking something. So, and I really felt that, the last couple weeks of, being with people that I love to be around they bring this part out of me that. I felt has been dormant, but my fear was that that wasn't me. It was them who was doing it. And when they were gone, I felt like that part of me was gone as well. And what I realized is my perspective was off. So what if people that you love to be around are really showing something about yourself, not something that you're missing. When they're gone, but a part of you that wants to be more fully expressed. And so instead of looking at my relationships of people that I admire and that I just love to be around, instead of looking at them like they have something that I don't, and that I would always put people on pedestals and I would feel less than. And it starts to wear on you when you feel like you're the, the least cool person in the room. Right. If you have that in the background, you're then always going to be reaching, you're always going to be looking for people that you think you are better than, because that's gonna feed your ego. So it's like a very complex, limiting belief to have, and not to say that we're all, even, you know what I mean? But when you're thinking like, oh, I need to be better than people, it's. To feel good. it's not the best, subconscious belief to have, and I don't wanna live that way. And I definitely don't wanna feel like I am lacking in a group of my friends either. And so this is a concept, a perspective that I've been contemplating because a place inside me, like I said, I would penalize people in my life that I love to be around. Almost like I didn't have something when I was. When I wasn't with them or the fear that I would lose them, and the feeling I felt when I was with them would go too. I think this is why we fear the loss of people, I have been doing a lot of nature walks and I found this cute little spot and I contemplate there and it feels like a very safe place in nature where I can just feel, and I genuinely feel held in this spot. And I encourage all of you to find a cute spot near your house or wherever where you can go sit outside and be with nature and contemplate because it's been life changing I had this insight. What if this feeling of loss. These like uncomfortable emotions are really a knock at the door to become the version of yourself that that person brings out of you. So it's not them, they just inspire it and reflect what is already inside you, but you can see them more fully because it's outside of yourself. there's a quote that Alan Watt says trying. To define yourself is like trying to bite your own teeth. End quote. Just like how you can't bite your own teeth, you can't directly see your own being. Basically, people give you an experience of yourself when you're with them, I was feeling the sadness, which was the sense that I was lacking and someone had something I didn't. I was projecting. My desire to feel vibrant, expressed, magnetic, free onto that person. So then they become that symbol of everything I think I'm missing. But the deeper truth might be I am craving these qualities, not because I lack them, but because they are dormant or under validated in myself. But that person's not better than me. They are just mirroring something I already have but haven't fully stepped into yet. So basically an expander, which we all need. And it's not to say that they have something we don't, it's they have something we have yet to fully step into. And we might be a mirror to them of something that we are fully stepped into and that they're not. So it's this beautiful. Hustle piece kind of relationship where it's not like either of us have things that the other doesn't. It's, we have different things that are more expressed than the other. And our souls want what the other person has fully expressed to express in us. So that's why they're in our life. And that's why sometimes we, you know, a feeling of lack can come up because we feel we lack that thing. We don't feel confident in that area of our life or that quality. So I, I think that's why relationships have been so rocky or non-existent in my life because I have been in a little bit of a hermit mode because I do put people above myself. I choose them over myself. But this week I finally broke that cycle and I realized so many patterns that I have in relationships that I will do in a whole nother podcast. And it's funny, I, if you would've asked me a year ago if. If I had any problems in relationships, I would tell you no. But I do because, and the only reason why I thought I didn't is because I didn't put myself in relationships because I had so much, I wouldn't, I don't know if I'd say trauma, but a lot of hurt and a lot of unsolved, not unsolved, unfelt emotions around relationships. And I didn't wanna feel'em, but now it's like inevitable and I'm ready for the. I'm ready for it. And I'm in a much better place where I can, really open my heart to these emotions. And they've been, it's been suffering because we need connection. And it's not just like a cute, you know, tagline. We, we need connection. No, humans need connection. We need it. We are, it's literally a biological need for us. So fixing relationships, I think is the biggest. Way to connect with ourselves as well, because in seeing all this in play out in my relationships, I've learned tenfold about myself and I've been able to come closer to myself and be more authentic even with myself. And when you're more authentic with yourself, guess what? You're more authentic in the world. So the next topic I wanted to go into, was born from the relationship dynamic. I realize and the perspective shift I have shifted myself and I think it's really beautiful when you shift your perspective when you see people that are. That are winning, that are, vibrant and healthy and just like, yes, they are happy. You don't feel brought down by them because they're not taking anything from you. I think that's really big in our culture too, is if someone else is winning, we're losing. And I used to be really. Down on myself for thinking that way, and I shove that part of myself down, which again, if you shove it down, it's just gonna knock and scream harder and harder until you listen to it. And it's gonna show up in unconscious ways. But when I, now that I see that and I can truly like bring consciousness and awareness to those feelings, it changes the game because you can generally feel happy for someone. You can generally feel happy that, that they're doing great things. And that doesn't mean that you're not. It means that they are inspiring, they're inspiring a spark in you. It's not showing you something you don't have. You wouldn't see it if you didn't have it, right? if we believe in, we're all connected and how synchronicities work and how energies match each other, you wouldn't be drawn to somebody. If you didn't already have that, that quality or that juice in you, it's gonna be, it's gonna show up different. Obviously we're different, but the essence of it is in you too. So anyway, that was a little tangent, but what was born out of this realization with relationships and people bring things out of you, I realized there is also a gap between emotions and what you know, I'm gonna dig into this spiritual awakening. When you're going through a spiritual awakening, you're moving so fast with philosophy that your emotions don't have time to catch up. And now that you allow more feelings to come up, you're no longer bypassing or overriding the feelings with intellect or movement, you're gonna feel deeply. Now, the reason why I bring this up is because I had. This exact experience. the last two weeks, I was having deep emotions that I haven't felt. I definitely felt little things of these emotions come up, but not to this degree. And I was a little down on myself at first because I was like, why am I feeling this? my conscious brain knows that this is meant for me, that it doesn't mean this person. Is not choosing like, I know that this is meant for my highest and best, but yet these emotions were hitting hard. like a bus coming right at me. I could feel them hard and I again went to my spot to contemplate. And it's because there's a gap between your emotions and what you know. And especially if you're on this journey of awakening, spiritual awakening, I know I can say for myself, I have learned so much my conscious brain, my mind has learned so much, but I haven't let my emotions catch up. And yes, those emotions might not match your current beliefs or perception of yourself. That is because these emotions belong to an old version of you, of yourself that didn't have the tools or the clarity you have now. And I was getting caught in the thoughts caught in the. Default mode network, which is, I've talked about it before in the podcast, but it, it's the house, the place where the narrative of the self lives, the seed of your story self. I was trying to bypass the feeling part of healing. If I could just learn as much as I can about spirituality and mindset and emotions, maybe then I won't have to feel. If you don't feel you can't heal, and I learned that lesson hard this week. So when I started to feel all these things tied to the limiting belief that I worked through mentally, but I did not emotionally, I was confused and in a dark hole because I was still believing the story attached to the emotions, thinking that I was going backwards, but instead what was happening. Is that when you start with this work and you really commit into stepping into your higher version of yourself, but you can forget about your emotions, especially the ones that were buried or never fully felt, they don't move as fast. They're slower. They're more rooted in the body and memory and your nervous system. So they need time, they need stillness. They need safety to surface. It's not failure. It's. A sacred part of integration. When you allow these feelings to rise without rushing, fixing, judging, you are inviting them to be seen. But in that moment, you feel in the moment of your emotions, you feel that mismatch, right? Because it's not reflecting your current state of your current belief, but that's okay. You're not regressing. You are reuniting with forgotten parts of yourself, When I was really diving deep into this and I was having a chat with chat GBTI was like, wow, this feels so true. And it really helped me soften because these feelings and these emotions, we forget that they get stuck in the body and they get stuck in their nervous system. And instead of shaming these parts, let yourself feel it because feeling is healing I truly believe that I was not a believer before. At least subconsciously I wasn't believing because I didn't wanna feel them. I was scared of them. And it's interesting because the reason it's so uncomfortable to awaken is that you aren't agreeing with the story in your head. And the part that is housing the story of you is falling apart. And the emotions with the old stories have to be felt to leave. For example, if I have a belief about myself or the world, and it starts to crumble and I start to see the truth, the story has emotions attached to it, right? So when that story starts to fall apart, to let it go, you have to feel it. To have it leave, you have to feel it. feeling is a learning. You learn. When you have that sense, when you have that visceral feeling, you're learning and there's codes in the emotion. because they are stuck in time, you didn't have the tools before to feel them fully. And what I mean by tools is you attach yourself to that feeling, that emotion, you attached your sense of self to that feeling. You were scared because you thought that meant something about you. So when you're too attached to the story and when you buried them, those feelings subconsciously because you didn't feel safe at the time to feel these emotions, you numbed them because feeling becomes dangerous. Again, you don't have the tools. you're too emotionally attached and your mind's attached to these feelings, calling them you. So again, your body. Your nervous system is connected to your subconscious, right? So when you feel unsafe, your body's trying to protect you because these emotions are a red flag in your nervous system, right? So the body disconnects from the sensation over time, and this suppression becomes a default, which I think a lot of us can attest to that suppressing our emotions become just a natural thing we do, but. that's what I've been going through is I finally have the tools and the nervous system regulation and the, just the awareness where I can feel these emotions. I felt them and actually I actually was grateful for feeling them. there was one, there was like one day where I was like kind of pissed, but. I eased into it and I let it be there, and it was with not fighting with, it felt so good. I'm not gonna lie, and I found this very interesting. Depression is often the result of long-term emotional suppression. Literally the word depression is not accidental. It reflects the pressing down. I'm using air quotes of emotion, energy aliveness, so when feelings are suppressed too long. Guess what goes with it? Your aliveness, your energy, your vitality and the mind. The mind and the subconscious. They are listening to you. You are the director of it. And if you believe that your emotions are gonna kill you or gonna literally hurt you, and sometimes they feel like that they're gonna do their best to suppress them for you. But once you open yourself up and. Connect back to these emotions and let your body know and do the subconscious healing and do the nervous system work. You train your body to know that it's okay to feel the emotions and when it feels okay, you unlock all these codes, all these magic, because the emotions hold the codes. They hold the the wisdom. They hold wisdom. And I think we forget about that. I didn't know that. I forgot about that you can talk about it all you want. I talked about it and I didn't really truly get it, but now I get it. And again, there's gonna be probably much deeper layers that I go into with this. But right now this is the deepest layer I've ever been to. And what I also realize is I was trying to conceptualize,'cause I love to do that, sometimes a little bit too much. And I was wondering, why do I feel so different? With my emotions and with this rollercoaster, I feel like I've been on the last two weeks and it's because I am a big enough being to hold these emotions and not shame myself and not make them mean anything about me. That is the biggest key is being a big enough being to hold them, to love them and not be like, oh, I don't like you go away. I'm holding them. I'm letting them be, I'm giving them space, and I know that can sound so woo woo and so abstract. I know I've been where you're at. if you're feeling that way, I felt that for a long time. But just know when you surrender to the emotions and you give yourself the space and the courage and the love to feel them and know this doesn't mean anything about me. You unlock a lot and it doesn't happen right away, when we learn how to suppress our emotions and shame them, it becomes a subconscious default to do that. So it takes time, it takes love, it takes effort to train yourself out of that. And I'm still learning. I'm not saying this as a fricking master, I'm saying this as a student in the field with you, Okay, so the last point I wanted to touch on is something that I've learned through friends and people that I admire, and it's celebrating now not waiting for something to celebrate or put. Your life in the future. To do it live today, you don't need to wait to celebrate. this has been a big theme in my life lately. I think I talked about this on the podcast before, but I'm gonna talk about it a little bit more detail. I realized that until about six, seven months ago, I was working my ass off, doing things that I thought would make me happy instead of doing things that. Bring me happiness in the moment. I also realized when I started to learn the things that brought me happiness, it made it easier to do it. So obviously when you don't, when you're disconnected from yourself and you truly don't know what makes you happy, and I not judging here, this was me for pretty much most of my life. It's harder to do the things that make you happen in the moment if you don't know what those things are. So what you end up doing is doing things that you think will bring you happiness, but then that's, the never ending cycle of the rat race. So this was a whole process in of it itself. I didn't know what I like to do because I copied what other people like to do, or I copied their morning routine. I didn't know myself, so I didn't know. What brought me true happiness, and I was ashamed of that. I thought that was so embarrassing. but looking back at myself now, I don't think that's embarrassing. I think it's human nature and I think it's the path that I'm on and how beautiful is it that I can really consciously learn about myself and bring awareness to what brings me happiness. So quitting drinking really helped me find the truth in this, but also. It is always a work in progress. I used to force myself to do things. I wouldn't go out with friends. I wouldn't even let myself go out to a coffee shop on a weekday because it wasn't a weekend, or put sweetener in my matcha or decide to not meal prep for the week, do something unplanned just because I wanted to, like, I felt like everything had to go exactly as planned or there was something wrong. That doesn't allow flow in your life and that that's what life is. It's flow fluidity, y'all. So, and I do wanna mention, celebration does not have to be anything big. You can celebrate every day by doing the small things that bring you joy. The reason why I didn't celebrate in the past is because I thought I had to earn it. I thought I wasn't good enough yet. Right. That I didn't make it yet, so I can't celebrate because that would jinx it, or I just had way more work to do and I was never done more proving to do. But when we forget how to be, how to experience life, because our thoughts are always in the future, we're always gonna miss our life because our life is in the moment. It's in the now. It's not in the future. There is no future. Right? It's only now, now, now, now. And so when you choose to put your happiness first and when you choose to indulge in life in a healthy way, obviously there's a caveat to this, you know, and I'm, I know what overindulging in the wrong things will look like. And if you listen to my last podcast on drinking and drugs and that like. You know, I've been there and you might've been too. There's a difference because the drinking, it wasn't a true happiness. It was me masking my fears and drinking really didn't bring me happiness at all. It brought me not happiness. It brought me fake happiness because it shut my mind off for a little bit to stop worrying about the deeper issues. So I'm just gonna give you an example of what I did this past week. That brought me happiness. That wasn't huge, but it makes all the fucking difference in my energy. I have a morning practice and it looks nothing like anyone else's. And guess what? It changes a lot of the days. But there's time set aside for that morning of what I wanna do. Yoga, meditation, pulling new cards from this beautiful deck. I'll have to link it in the show notes'cause I'm obsessed. I go on my nature walks and I sit at my favorite spot and I listen to music and I just talk. I talk to Spirit, I talk to God, I pray. and I create, I love to write, as you guys know. So I'll write little, little things for Instagram and I love doing that. And also what I did this week is I. Didn't meal prep for the first time, and I don't know how fucking long. I didn't meal prep, I just let myself eat whatever. I let myself go out to my favorite cafe and I had matcha like three times last week. matcha from my favorite coffee shop. And guess what? It had sweetener. So like I know that doesn't sound like that much, but I. Love doing that. And I love, like, it's just the small things and I love to work on, you know, my creative stuff. Like this podcast, I love contemplating and learning about my mind and learning about just, yeah, about life and the bigger mysteries of it. And I have been coming into my creative flow, you could say. I think this is why I have felt so disconnected from my creativity is because I was suppressing all my emotions and creativity is born from expressing these emotions and expressing from a genuine place. And if you aren't feeling those feelings that are suppressed, you're not being authentic because you're not feeling them. You're putting a cap over what's really going on and putting on a mask, and nothing creative can come from that place because it's curated. It's not who you really are. Creativity comes from authenticity. Creativity comes from authenticity. And so when I wasn't being real with myself, when I wasn't feeling these feelings or what have you, of course my creativity was suppressed because. I wasn't being real and I wasn't flowing with life. I was controlling it. And that is not a place where creativity wants to be. And we're all creative, so we all have this energy in us. It's just, are we letting it be expressed or not. And I've also been grappling with, you know, when I first came into this, this, Spiritual awakening realm. when I started to really look inside myself, I can see now one thing I wanted to do was eliminate the need for people, which I think I talked in my last podcast and I'm seeing now that I wasn't letting the paradox be there. Which, if you listen to my other podcasts, I talked about paradoxes, which this is, this one I should have put in there, but I'm gonna put it in right now. The paradox of we need people, we need support, we need love. We can't do it by ourself. And we can, and we're the only ones that can feel our feelings and the only one that has the answer for us. So how beautiful is that? Like I think I wanted. Just myself to be enough. I wanted to not need anyone because that leaves you vulnerable. Right. But to live in the paradox of the only one that can heal me is me. And it's, you know, it's up to me to, to do these things. It's not up to anyone else. It's my responsibility. Also, we need people. I need someone, I need support, I need love, I need connection. And you can live in the paradox. Both, both of them can be true. And I think for the longest time I was really stuck in, you know, people always tell me that in the spiritual community, it's always like, you have to do it all yourself. It's all on you. You don't need anyone. You don't need a man, like you need to fulfill your cup, blah, blah, blah. Which is true there. There's a caveat to it, but we're not, we're human. We are literally made biologically for a connection. And how we learn on this realm in this 3D planet is with the help of others and through other people, because like that quote I said earlier, let me go back to it. That Alan Watts said, which was trying to define yourself. It's like trying to bite your own teeth. You can't bite your own teeth and we can't fully see ourself. We can't experience ourself, but guess what? We can through other people. We experience ourself through other people. So that's where it comes in. And I think I'm learning now to, I think my lesson now is learning how to live in that paradox and be my own sovereign, being and creator for myself and giving myself those internal resources that is within me and not. Not putting the responsibility on someone else to give me these internal resources, which we all have, like, love, peace, we, we all house these things inside us. And when we give that power to someone else, that's when we struggle. That's when we suffer. But if we have those things inside us and we cultivate our connection with ourself. With the connection with other people because it's one and the same. That's when life starts to flow. So yes, we are whole in just us, but we are also part of the bigger whole, which guess what? Everyone else is involved in that too. So I know that kind of got wooey, I don't know if I'm explaining it right, but. Anyway, community, I'm learning is such a big, such a big thing and I definitely shut myself off from it, and I'm learning to not do that. I'm learning to invite people in also, I think it's, we don't want people to see the shadows of ourself, and so we try to protect. Ourselves from getting judged. But once you know that if someone judges you and someone's, not accepting you, they're not meant for you. Once you're like, I accept me, I'm good. That's when it starts to turn around and that's when you start attracting people who are really your sole tribe and your family and the people that are gonna uplift you. Right? And this goes to the caveat too, like surround yourself with people that lift you the fuck up. Don't be afraid to leave people that bring you down and drain your energy. And it's not like you have to cut them off in a bad way. it's not about making the other person wrong, it's putting yourself first and your energy first. And when you feel energized after being with someone, after talking to someone, guess what? They're for you. And those are the people you want in your life. And yeah, so choose the people that bring you up, not down. And choose yourself first. That's, oh, that's also what I was gonna say is I was going through something where, I'm just gonna fucking say it. I was going through something, I had this limiting belief in this, this. Fear that I wasn't chosen, that I wouldn't be chosen or wanted or be someone's, you know, we all need that person that just chooses us. That's like, you choose me, I choose you. Like, it's like a fucking, we choose each other kind of thing. And what I realized is that I wasn't choosing myself, and that's what I was being called. that's why I felt so broken and so sad about. A situation that happened was because I was giving the power away to someone else to choose me when I wasn't even choosing me. So if I'm not choosing me, why would someone else choose me? And so that's what the reflection was. That's what the lesson was, is I wasn't choosing myself, I was abandoning myself. I was putting them on a pedestal. I was making them the person who had it all. And I was like. Nothing. You know, I, and that was subconscious. That was a younger version of myself. That's not how I see myself. And that's why I was so confused.'cause I'm like, I feel like I have such, I'm getting such confidence, like am I going backwards? But no, it was just that younger part of myself that needed to know I choose me. And it's a work in progress, my friends. Hopefully I didn't ramble too much for you. I hope you got something out of it. I do wanna announce that I am co-hosting a retreat with my soul sister, my bestie, my mentor, her name is Claire and the retreat is called the Sisterhood Sanctuary I will link the all the info in the show notes and it's gonna be amazing. Please like the podcast, if you resonated, please comment. I wanna hear what you think. And if you don't yet follow me on Instagram, go do that. Yeah guys, I love you. I love talking to you, and I hope you have a beautiful day. Stay I have learned so much my conscious brain, my mind has learned so much, but I haven't let my emotions catch up. And yes, those emotions might not match your current beliefs or perception of yourself. That is because these emotions belong to an old version of you, of yourself that didn't have the tools or the clarity you have now. I was trying to bypass the feeling part of healing. If I could just learn as much as I can about spirituality and mindset and emotions, maybe then I won't have to feel. If you don't feel you can't heal, and I learned that lesson hard this week. when I wasn't feeling these feelings or what have you, of course my creativity was suppressed because. I wasn't being real and I wasn't flowing with life. I was controlling it. And that is not a place where creativity wants to be. awesome.