EP23: Building a relationship with creativity, unrealistic beauty metrics & why authenticity isn’t miss popular

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I also just wanted to pull apart creativity a little bit and why myself, and others are kind of scared of it, right? And not in a conscious way. For example, creativity is hard to pinpoint and it's hard to measure. it's abstract, right? You can't control it. Since we can't control it, the ego. A lot of the times it's against it. And I, like I said, have seen this pattern in myself. You can't learn more to be better at it. All you can do is open the channel and practice getting out of the way. It's free, it's flowing. I was scared I wasn't gonna be able to do it again. It's that creative block. I created something great. I don't know how I did it, and I don't know how I'm gonna do it again. Hello, beautiful people. Welcome back to the Fluidity Podcast. I am your host, Hannah May, and this is episode 23 of The Fluidity Podcast. In today's episode, I kind of like what I've been doing is just setting like three topics that I've been kind of navigating during the week or the maybe even weeks, months. But I feel at a place to talk about them. So, yeah, that's what I'm doing today. The three topics are relationship with creativity, unrealistic beauty metrics and why authenticity isn't miss popular. Okay, so today is, I'm recording this on Monday the 12th. It is a Scorpio full moon, and I feel that shit for sure, and actually my moon sign is in Scorpio. So shout out to those fellow Scorpio moons if you know, you know. So, this last week has been. Very introspective. I feel like that's a theme in my life for sure. But, yeah, I've been really drawn to creativity and I know that's a really broad, a broad statement, but I'll kind of get into the nitty gritty of it here in a second. The reason why creativity has been just, I don't know, I've been very drawn to it and almost like this longing, longing to express myself. And I mean, this podcast is definitely a great outlet, but I have been craving more, more visibility, more expression, more authenticity, more creativity. And I really do think of creativity and authenticity as like this inner weaving web because they, they're. They're not the same, but they're very, so much linked. because when you're authentic, I think creativity just is a byproduct. But you can be creative and not be authentic at the same time too. So anyway, I digress with that. before I get into the podcast, actually, I wanna give a update. I am going to Italy next week, or no, I leave Friday. I leave this Friday to Italy. My best friend, I met her when I was six or seven. been friends with her ever since she is getting married in Italy. So next week there will not be a podcast because I'll be in Italy. But I might record something. I was debating if I wanna bring my mic, but I don't know if I want to. So if I feel like recording something, I'll just do it on my phone. but yeah, if I don't, you'll just hear all about it the next week. That was all I had, that was all the updates I had for you. I wanna start with creativity today. I want to kick off the podcast with creativity because like I said in the beginning,, it's been in my awareness a lot lately. Like I told you guys, I have a, favorite spot in nature by my house. It's about a mile to get there, uh, to walk there. And I just feel like I can really open up and I feel safe there. It's a spot in nature that I love. the other day I wrote this poem. it really reflected how I was feeling, and I loved the way the poem flowed out of me. And when I read it back, it, like, every time I read that poem back, it gives me chills. because it came from a place of authenticity really. If I, if I get down to it. And it, it wasn't from a place of trying to write something, it was from a place of like true expressing and it, and it just, the way the words created this picture. It almost felt like it wasn't me who wrote it, and that I thought was amazing. And that's something that's never really, it's happened to me before, but it's a rare occurrence where I literally don't think about what I'm writing and it just flows out. like, you know, it just flowed. There's no other explanation to it, and I. I posted on my Instagram how much I loved the poem. Like I shocked myself of how much I loved it, and I almost felt this like, Hmm, should I be posting this? People, people don't even care. Like, are people gonna care about this poem? Like, is it even that good? And then that opened up a whole nother portal of like, why am I not celebrating my creativity? For someone like me who has been really invested in creativity because it's, it's such an outlet for expressing your authentic nature and without toning it down or toning it up, it's just is what it is. That's what creativity is to me. And like expressing, yeah, expressing in like a way that other people can understand. Without just saying it, right, it's, it's more of a vibration with creativity. It's, it's born from a place of authenticity. And authenticity is, I think, the highest, highest vibration, which is very interesting. So yeah, it got me thinking. When that burst of creativity came through me and I celebrated it, and I don't often celebrate it that much. I mean, I post, you know, my creative stuff online and I do this podcast, but I don't celebrate myself really for doing it. I, a lot of the time clench my fist and like, this people gonna like it Is, this is good enough? Am I being creative? This, what, is this what creativity is? And so I caught myself, I. When we try to control or manipulate our creativity, it falls apart, right? When we try to make something for others, creativity falls apart because it's not about forcing it. Creativity isn't forced I also just wanted to pull apart creativity a little bit and why myself, and others are kind of scared of it, right? And not in a conscious way. For example, creativity is hard to pinpoint and it's hard to measure. it's abstract, right? You can't control it. Since we can't control it, the ego. A lot of the times it's against it. And I, like I said, have seen this pattern in myself. You can't learn more to be better at it. All you can do is open the channel and practice getting out of the way. It's free, it's flowing. It's, it's like feelings. They're not concepts, right? Creativity is not a concept. Like feelings. They're intuitive in nature, so it's impossible that an emotion could communicate a concept to you. They're non-conceptual. They communicate impressions, intuitions, creativity is not born from concepts. Rather, concepts come from the initial creative impulse. So creativity begins in a non-conceptual space, and then concepts follow. As tools, you know, to shape and to communicate that initial impulse. So reflecting on creativity, and I, for myself, feel I've never felt creative or I've, I've, it's been hard for me to honor my creativity and to. Create something and not second guess if it's good enough or, and I think that goes with a lot of people, but creativity is meant to flow. Like I said, it's not meant to be controlled, and I think that's where we get stuck. I'm also in a space in my life where I'm really investing time into my creative impulses and my creative nature because that creating is what. Makes me feel alive. And I think a lot of people, that's a reason why they create, right? It's aliveness, it's juice, it's what literally what we're born to do. And as women, I mean, we have a womb space. I mean, that's creation of in and of itself. So I felt this draw to creativity, like I said in the beginning. But it's also this, like almost scared of it because. I can't control it. So for example, like that time I was talking to you about, when I wrote that poem and I loved that poem, I loved it. And I was like, oh, I was scared I wasn't gonna be able to do it again. It's that creative block. I created something great. I don't know how I did it, and I don't know how I'm gonna do it again. That is the beauty and the beast of creativity. You cannot replicate it. You can. Put yourself in, your creative spot that you love to go to, like the spot I have in nature. You can open up your mind, you can ground yourself, but you cannot control the creative impulses or ideas. You can't control the creativity that comes through you because it cannot be controlled. So I think that's why we're so scared of it, because we're like, we try to hold on to creativity but that's not how creativity is meant. It's meant to flow in a way that a lot of us don't understand and we're not, I think we're not really meant to because it's creativity is like, this magical, sparkly unicorn, and it has wings and it can fly, and you never know when it's gonna come I think that's also where we get it wrong.'cause creativity is in the micro moments as well. Why we decided to take that road instead of this road. I also think creativity can be from born, from intuition. So there's a lot of different ways you can look at creativity. I am specifically talking about the creativity that blows your own mind, This also got me thinking of why I've been scared to start my own business. I've always wanted some measurable skill, right? Something that could easily be measured that I, it was conceptual, but creativity isn't something you measure. And the work that I'm doing now is, so very much so behind the scenes, it's about emotion. It's about energy. It's subconscious, it's not. As tangible as say, like a marketing strategy or a business that has a product like selling vacuums. it's abstract and it's hard to pinpoint Creativity is the unknown. it's something being born outta the unknown and you don't know it until it comes. And so I've been in this really interesting dance of creativity, of like trying to understand it. And also, the more I try to understand it, the more I see that it can't really be understood and all we can do. Is flow with it and be open to receive. And also authenticity comes into this as well, because when you're in your authenticity, creativity can be born because it's coming from a place of not trying to be something. So this is me just talking out loud about it because I've been really interested in even just picking my own brain and seeing what's up there about this topic and. Yeah. So what made me talk about creativity in this podcast was what if we fuck around and see the wave of creativity you unlock when you start honoring what you create? So I'm gonna go back to what I said in the beginning about that poem that I wrote, and I loved it and I wrote a post about it because I, I loved the poem that I wrote and I wanted to honor the creativity that was, that came through me, that came through my emotions, that came through the authenticity of the moment. And I realized that if I were creativity, I'd show up for the one celebrating me. I wanted creativity to, you know, knock at my door with no invite. I wanted creativity just to be there at my disposal, like riding my bike, you know, like a skill, like it was predictable and it can't be controlled. So you have to start a relationship with it. this goes with anything in life. You have to cultivate a relationship with it. You learn over time how it shows up for you and what conditions is best. And even though you can control the conditions, you cannot control the creativity because it comes from the unknown, and once you start to control the river, it stops flowing. It's like trying to swim. Up current, it doesn't work and it exhausts you. You have to honor and respect the flow, and I think that's what I'm being called to right now, is really respecting the flow of the creativity and also opening myself up to. Creativity, like it's a friendship and honoring it when it comes, but not getting down on myself when it's not there in the way I think it's gonna be. creativity might not be writing a poem, but it might be the way I talk to someone or the way I go about helping them see an aspect of themself. It's not so cut and dry. And that's the beauty of it. And again, that's also what my mind doesn't, my ego doesn't like, is not having this like clear cut picture of what creativity is. And I think it'll be a lifelong thing for me.'cause creativity is, that is like so expansive for me. Just people that are able to, people that are creative and authentic and, just in their flow of themselves. I'm so drawn to those people I've been longing for different ways of expressing myself, and I've been feeling this like. Yeah, this longing of creativity and authenticity, and again, they're very abstract. Yes, but how can I. Step into those and what do those look like for me? What does creativity, what does authenticity look like for me? And that's the big question that we all have to answer ourselves and we can't look at anyone else to do it. What do those look like for us? And that's always changing the way our creativity, the way we express ourselves, the way, yeah. And express expressing yourself is really just authenticity. In form. In movement. Right. Yeah, this goes into my next topic about longing. I have been longing, longing for my own creativity, but it comes through in the lens of seeing other people's creativity and yeah, that like longing, like I'm like I am not tapping into something that is meant for me. and I had been in this loop of. It's bad to want to long for something in the spiritual community. A lot of people, they have said, you know, wanting is bad. You shouldn't, you shouldn't want things, you shouldn't desire things. You should be a hollow piece of wood and float with no desire. And that belief right there has been a block for me. And I think that's ingrained in us, right? It's filthy to want, you shouldn't want things, but there's a difference between resistance of where you are right now, like in this moment where you are and. Wanting something to get you out of where you are versus being open and accepting of where you are with the paradox of also wanting more, so when you're in a space where you want something else so you don't have to deal with your life, that's a shadow side, what I'm talking about. Is what you know I'm definitely going into is you can be accepting and loving of where you're at and truly being in the now while also wanting more and longing for more because longing is your compass. Longing for something is your soul telling you what to step into, what To start getting curious about what's next. That's the way the soul works. And so when I didn't realize this, when I was making myself wrong for wanting or longing for certain things in my life, I was really shutting down the way my compass points me. Forward. And so yeah, like I said, I've been longing for my creativity to be expressed and to be seen on a whole new level. I want to read this quote from chat GBT. Shout out. I love chat, GBT. We have great conversations. Oh, the best. I was talking to her about lack, and about longing.'cause I was really wanting to understand my emotions and what I was going through and what these feelings were. And so she said something very profound. And the quote is, we usually think of longing as lack, but it's actually presence. The presence of something within you that knows it's meant for, even if you can't see it yet. It's like a seed pushing against the soil. You can't see the flour, but the pressure is real. The ache is a sign that something wants to grow. Again, the best. You gotta know the right questions though. I will say that. So this got me thinking about the difference between longing and attachment. Longing can be painful, but also expansive. It is open-hearted. It points you forward. Like I was saying, it's a compass. It points you where you're going, where your soul is meant to go next. Now, to understand this, we need to understand the difference between pain and suffering because there's a difference, but sometimes we don't. We don't consciously know that there's a difference. So pain is connected to longing. Suffering is connected to attachment. Pain moves, it flows, it creates, it transforms, it teaches suffering, resists clings, or tries to control. So basically attachment is when you clinging to something and we know that clinging to something causes suffering. So pain and longing often go hand in hand. They're live and open ended. Attachment and suffering go hand in hand. They're tight and resistant, we have got it twisted. Y'all. We have lumped longing and lack together. At least I have. I did until now. When we long, we believe the ego when it says, you don't have this, that's why you feel this way. That is why people get so confused about emotions and these subtle energies. They teach you, but only if you understand the language they're speaking in or what they're saying. So if you look deeper underneath the chatter, you see that longing isn't showing you where you lack. It's showing you what's next. Lack looks outward and says, I need to fix me. So that's lack, that's the voice of lack. it's rooted in fear and the belief in your deficiency. Now, longing says something beautiful is coming to me because it belongs to who I truly am. Longing is rooted in wholeness, a remembering, that's the key word, a remembering and longing looks inward, so it looks inside yourself and forward. It says, I sense there's more of me wanting to be lived. Can I just pause and say, this human brain, we have all the codes, so these emotions and these feelings and these, you know, longing, like that's a feeling, right? These are our guidance system. It's literally guiding us. What happens when we don't understand the guiding system or emotions? We make, it means something about us, but really it's, they're not, they're not us, right? They're guiding us. This is what fucking fires me up. But it's because we don't understand the code. If we're looking through fear, we miss this gift. We miss the guidance system when we're suppressing all our emotions because we're scared to feel them because we think they mean something about us. and we don't see that they're really guiding us. They're really teaching us. They're talking to us. We miss the information that they hold. And, sorry, that was, I went way far off of, creativity. But all this was born from my longing to express and my longing to really be seen and like, not, not not even being seen by others. I mean, yes, that, but also being seen by myself. creativity and expressing myself gives me a way I can see myself. And I think that goes for all of us, or at least a piece of us, that creating something, like when an artist creates a painting, they can feel their essence in that painting. They can feel themselves. They can see themselves, It's like seeing the divine energy in form in front of you that you created, that came from you. Like that's expressing yourself. That's seeing yourself. When I wrote that poem, I saw myself. it was beautiful So all this to say, longing isn't meant to say that you're lacking something. I it wasn't showing me that I was lacking, and that perspective shift is huge because if you think that, say, if I thought, if I kept believing that my longing for creativity and expressing myself, if I thought that meant I lacked something, if I thought that meant that other people were creative and I just don't have it, can you imagine the route that I will go down versus the route I go down that. I see that longing is my, is my soul telling me that that's the direction to go in? Do you see how it's completely opposite of which way I would go. And so I think this is so important to help people understand that the longing, the desires, if it's coming from a true fucking place in your heart, it's not bad. It's meant for you. It's not saying that you don't have it yet. It's saying that's the way to go. So the next topic I wanted to talk about is unrealistic body image and looks we put on women, men, everybody. this has been in my. awareness and me personally working through this, for a while now, but this week it feels like a little bit more potent in the people around me and me just observing and really, really being very self-aware on this topic. We see on social media, the polished and edited version of others. We don't see the real human without all the shit. And because of that. We think, oh, I don't look like that, so I should buy X, Y, Z. And it's so crazy the shit I almost buy or I do buy because of how much we are bombarded on social media. I had a friend come up to me, or I had a friend come to me about her boyfriend making a comment about her weight, and I realized that this isn't because men are evil or jerks. It's because. Them too are seeing a version of women that is not true is the idea of women's, how women's bodies are supposed to look. But that isn't entirely, you know, the man's fault. It's no one's fault. It's the culture. It's, it's the culture that we are here to bust out of. I've just been really seeing, even in myself when I go on social media, like it's like everything that I am aware of and I'm conscious of goes out the window when I see someone on Instagram looking like they have perfect skin. They got those plump lips, they got their perfect makeup, their perfect body, and they're selling something. And I'm like, Ooh, yeah, I need that.'cause then I'll look like that and I need that'cause I don't look like that. And then I get off and I'm like, what the fuck just happened? Like I feel like I was just taken over. When we're on social media, we are literally comparing ourself to somebody who is wearing a shit ton of makeup or they filter, they Photoshop, you know, and it's. It's not to judge anybody, not at all, but we're comparing ourselves to something that's not real. And when we do that. It's a never ending cycle because we're not that. So it's like comparing apples to bananas. You can't do it. And that's the same when we look on social media and when we compare ourselves to the beauty norm. Right? It's the flawless, it's wear makeup, but don't look like you're wearing makeup. Try, but don't look like you're trying.? there's like so many demands on us. Like, get your nails done every week. They have to look flawless. your hair has to be done, your makeup has to be on, but not too much, you know, just enough. and I'm so over comparing my body to others. And I know that's definitely an internal thing I have to do. But it's first understanding that you are the only one that gets to decide who you measure yourself against. and I for 1:00 AM not gonna subscribe to that anymore. spend my money in a way that feels good to me and not because. I am bombarded on Instagram and told to buy something because I don't feel worthy enough in my looks. And yeah, it's just the unrealistic body image too with, in the gym, in the fitness community. I mean, I was once in that. And I definitely showed off my body a lot'cause I was proud of the work I did, but people didn't see the hurt that it caused me To have the body I did came with a bunch of negative side effects that were not worth having that body if you don't, if you don't feel good. You don't enjoy your life, what's the point of having a rock and bod, And yeah, so I think we need to start showing ourselves more real on social media. And I honestly, the people that show themselves with little makeup that don't show themselves all polished. We genuinely are more attracted to them, right? Because we are drawn to authenticity, we're drawn to realness, and we're drawn to people we can relate to. We can't relate to someone that looks like they're not real, right? But what happens is when we see them looking all perfect, we then judge ourself for not being that. And so, yeah, We don't relate to them because we think they're better than us. We don't think they're on the same playing field. And I did wanna bring some awareness to this because I think as women, we look at those people on Instagram and think that that's reality and it's not. And I think it's time for us to take back our, our humanity and, and what beauty is meant to be. It's not perfect skin. It's not a perfect body. It's not perfect hair. It's. Being healthy and happy and joyous, and taking care of yourself in a way that feels good for you. And yeah, so I just am excited to really embark on this topic more for myself and find my sense of beauty for myself that doesn't come with shrinking, hiding. None of that. It's with honoring what my body looks like and finding beauty in that. You know, I did say I digress, but I take that back. I think there is a way to find your own sense of beauty for yourself in a way that you actually feel beautiful. And I don't think that comes with getting. More skincare or more makeup or working out more, I think, and I know it comes within, I know it does, but it's a journey like everything else in life. So, and I'm definitely on that journey, so I'll keep you posted, The next thing, the last thing I wanted to talk about is. why authenticity isn't miss popular, and I'll explain what I mean by that. So I was reflecting as I often do, I was reflecting on high school, middle school. Mostly high school and I was thinking about how popular I was. I know that sounds, that sounds weird, but it's not coming from an egoistic place. It's coming from like, why did I have so many friends? Why was I liked by everybody and why am I not now? And like, what's different? Like when I was in high school, I had so many friends in air quotes, and I realized why I was so liked in high school and throughout college is because I was putting on a mask and I knew what people wanted from me and I gave it to them. That's the real honest truth. I wasn't consciously doing this. I learned how to do it. I learned how to make. Myself fit into other people's lives, other people's, thoughts of the world. I adopted a lot of that for myself because it was, I fit in, I learned how to be in the Cool Girl Club, you know, I learned how to be the cool girl. I learned how to get people to like me and getting, having people like you, I mean, it does make life a little bit easier. You, when people like you, they make exceptions for you. They, you know, it's easier. You don't create conflict. Anyway, I was reflecting on this because now not being the one who makes everyone like them, it can be a little lonely when finding your tribe, right? when you are authentic and when you're coming into yourself, it can be very lonely. when you're standing in your truth. you don't relate to as many people, You're not agreeing with them all the time. You're not telling them what they wanna hear. And I got down on myself, quite frequently, in this hermit phase in my life because I'm like, what the fuck's wrong with me? That I don't have a close group of friends that I actually feel seen by. I have one friend that I truly feel seen in, in every aspect of my life. I don't have that close group of friends that, you know, get all sides of me. A hundred percent and that I really relate to. So it's a lonely time in my life right now. And I was wondering why, and this is why, because when you're becoming the more authentic version of yourself, you have to let go of the people that may not see you anymore because you're not. You're letting go of what? Draw, draw them to you, which was the mask. So when you take the mask off, you know a lot of people are like, whoa,, and they don't relate to you anymore, Yeah. It's because authenticity, when coming into that, you're kind of like figuring yourself out, right? You, you haven't found your tribe yet because you're still becoming rooted in yourself. And like the title says, authenticity isn't mis popular because she doesn't. Put other people's emotions before hers. She doesn't put anyone else's feelings before hers. She doesn't tell you what you wanna hear. She tell you what's true. And sometimes that can be hard for people. people can only meet you to the depth that they've met themselves. You're being a mirror. Authenticity is a mirror to others bullshit. So when you're with others and they're not fully being themselves or what have you, and you're with them, they're gonna. Maybe not like you so much because of that, because you're being, you're rooted in yourself and it's just showing them where they're not right. So some people that are really wanting to step into themselves and, and have the guidance and the awareness to be like, oh, they're being authentic. It's making me uncomfortable because I'm not being authentic. How can I open up and use this as a learning opportunity? Some people, a lot of people don't have that awareness. Unfortunately, I am just now getting that awareness. One last thing I wanted to touch on was we learn how to treat ourselves from our parents, from how they treated themselves. I, for a while was obsessed with figuring out where certain, where my negative self-talk comes from, where blah, blah, blah, blah. How I treat myself, how I feel about myself. And I was kind of getting down on myself. I'm like, how did I let this happen? How did I let my self talk, get this bad? Like it's. Like almost a little embarrassed of it. And what I came to realize is what I just said, we learn how to treat ourselves from our parents. When we're younger, we literally learn how to treat ourselves from our parents. So if you look at your parents and they don't have the best relationship with themselves, and you don't have the best relationship with yourself, it kind of makes sense. it's not easy to change these things, but it's not impossible and. So I'm also in that dance with reparenting myself and how to understand how to treat myself, because that's the most important relationship. A hundred percent. So I'm gonna miss y'all next week. I'm so excited to go to Italy and I've never been to Italy, so. Follow up on my Instagram, on my Snapchat because I will definitely be posting my whole trip on there. Thank you guys for listening to this podcast. If anything resonated with you, please comment, send me a dm. I am co-hosting a retreat with my friend, sister, mentor. It is August 8th through August 10th. It is the sister sanctuary. She's running a deal right now, but it's coming to a close. The deal is not the signups. If you have any questions about the retreat, please DM me. I will tell you all you wanna know. It's gonna be awesome. Okay guys, love you. Stay awesome and I will see you not next week, but the week after. Peace out y'all.