EP24: ADHD & Alcohol

Today I dive deep into my recent trip to Italy and the amazing clarity I gained from it. I dive deep into why ADHD and Alcohol don't mix. 

Sister Sanctuary Retreat:

https://road2clarity.com/events/sisterhood-sanctuary-womens-retreat/

SUPPORT THE PODCAST: https://www.paypal.com/donate/?hosted_button_id=BCLJEUKB249QJ

Transcript

0:07

Hello, beautiful people. Welcome back to the Fluidity Podcast. My name is Hannah and we are back from Italy. If you listen to the last episode, you will know that I was in Italy for my friend's wedding. It was absolutely beautiful and definitely a lot of learning lessons that, transpired from this trip as I kind of had a feeling they would. So just to give you an idea of what this podcast is gonna be about today. It is going to be about A DHD and alcohol. I have talked about A DHD on my podcast before. I've also talked about alcohol. I feel like I talked about alcohol, more than a DHD, and I don't think I've really made much of the connection between the two. There is a reason for that. The A DHD part, I think I get in my own head about, you know, who the fuck cares about this, people are gonna be like a DHD isn't real. That kind of shit, you know, plays in my head. Uh, if you do have a DHD, you know that it's, it is real. but I think my fear revolves around the people that don't have it and don't understand it, which has been my whole life. So definitely getting outta my comfort zone with this one and really being raw as I feel like I try to be, but every time I grow a little bit more, I realize the spots where I was kind of holding back or. Not saying the full thing or trying to make it look better than it was. for, you know, many reasons. I think we all do it, but my intention with this podcast and every podcast is to be more authentic than the last and just really let go of the mask and be vulnerable, which I definitely have, some trouble doing. I know I. Sometimes come off as, you know, it's easy for me to talk about these things. It's not, so yeah, just bear with me. And if you do have a DHD or you have trouble with alcohol, or if you have both this episode's for you, or if you have someone in your life that struggles with one or both of these, I think it's really helpful for you to support them by listening to, you know. Someone else talk about it so then you can understand them better and help support them. So I usually write an outline for my podcast I did a little bit today. I feel like I am very self-conscious of the way I jump around. In the way I tell stories and, you know, I've got made fun of in the past for that. So I try to mitigate it as much as possible and that's why I make the outlines. But then the outlines make me feel very trapped and I don't like it. So, today I am, trying something a little bit new. I just wrote a couple notes, but, this might be all over the place. Who the fuck knows? welcome to the party. So what do I wanna start by telling y'all? Okay, I'll start here. as you guys know, I made a whole episode on one year of no alcohol and if you listen to my verbiage and the words I use, you'll notice that I say, I decided to quit for a year. No drinking for a year. I really put in a year in there. I don't say I'm quitting forever. I don't say, I'm sober forever. I say I'm quitting for a year, and there was a reason for that because,, saying forever felt very daunting and scary to say I was never gonna drink again. So a year felt more manageable now. I wanted to be the person that just never had to go back to alcohol and learn again. Um, but you know, that's not how the cookie crumbled in this situation. So before I went to Italy, it was,, my year of no drinking and I thought, I did hell of a good job this year. Maybe I'm cured, maybe I can have one or two tops, three drinks and be good. No hangovers, you know, enjoy my time. so I was like, you know, I'm gonna test myself in Italy. It's my best friend's wedding. We're in Italy, like, I'm gonna want some wine. Like the whole trip, there was a lot of activities around drinking and the people I was going with, are drinkers. So, you know, I was like. Fuck it. Let me, let me test myself. And if this goes well, then yeah, I'll allow myself to have a drink here and there. if it doesn't, alcohol is outta my life forever. So I, firstly, I felt shame for even, coming up with this big mile or passing this huge milestone. And then. Having people see me drink in Italy and be like, wow, she relapsed, or who, you know, who she thinks she is talking about this shit. And then she goes and drinks. but anyway, I got to Italy, right? It was beautiful. It was amazing. Besides the fact of it being amazing and wonderful, I, you know, wherever you go, there you are. I think we believe, and I believe myself sometimes too, that if we're in a different city, country place, we're gonna be a whole different person, which I. There's a caveat to that. I mean, it, uh, environment has to do with a lot of, our wellbeing and you know what I'm trying to say, but it doesn't excuse the fact that wherever you go, there you are. And I had a lot of. triggers around body image and, the stuff I've talked about on here. Not too, in too much detail, but I've definitely touched on some of those topics and, just some insecurities of mine were very heightened in Italy and anyway, so I think that played a role in, the drinking as well. But, okay, back to my story. So I'm in Italy, the first couple days. The first day I was good. I had, one drink, one and a half, went to bed early'cause it was a travel day. I was feeling good. the next day we woke up, we had a wine tour that went really good, but I could feel myself dipping back into, old habits right when the alcohol touched my lips. I'm like, I couldn't keep the drink down. Like I couldn't. I had to chug the drink. I was noticing like it was, it felt uncontrollable. And I know that sounds naive to say, but like really, I had more self-awareness going into this in the beginning. And so even though I was drinking, I still had this observer which was cool and I'm glad I. nurtured that awareness so I could watch these certain aspects of myself. But yeah, so the first day I could just tell I was having a drink. Faster and my thoughts were revolving more about where's my next drink, when am I gonna get the next drink? Things like that. And then fast forward to my friend's wedding day. this was the first day I woke up a little bit hungover and starting to feel the effects of, drinking for three days. And that's when. I noticed the spiraling shame effect, which then caused more drinking. that night. I blacked out, which was the first time in over a year. And then the next day, continued down that binging, drinking, spiraled, did some things I'm not proud of. Did some things that really opened up my eyes to, A DHD and drinking. Because of the reflection I had when I got home. I just wanted to give you some backstory in Italy. yeah, it, it really, there was two days there that I really relived some of my addictive behaviors around alcohol and my, just some ways of living that I never wanted to repeat again, but I think I had to. To be able to see that I can, that alcohol cannot be present in my life. before I really dug into what A DHD was and understanding myself a little bit more and how that plays a role in addiction and alcohol, looking back at my years of drinking, I blamed myself for not being able to stop. I blamed myself for the deep depressions I would get in the, you know, the lack of caring for myself, the lack of. Caring what I ate, caring, about how I took care of myself and the deep hole I would go in when I was drinking and doing all these things. I think the self hatred came from these points in my life. until this trip, I was still blaming myself for, why couldn't I have just stopped drinking? Why couldn't I have just done X, Y, Z? And. Learning about the A DHD really helped me realize that I was not to blame for all of this. And there's a caveat to that. Yes. But we do have to talk about how A DHD has a, has a role in this. And I was talking to my therapist and she really made me realize how much shame and judgment I was putting on myself for what happened in Italy. Like I said, I did some things. I'll explain how a DHD has to do with this, but I did some impulsive things. I did some, just some bad decision making and I was really down on myself for this event, it kind of brought up all the shame I had for years of my adolescence that I was carrying with me, and I had one of the best outcomes I could have ever asked for. From this trip, even though it was probably one of the hardest recovering trips I've had as far as like, I was in bed for five days in a depressive hole. I call it like a numb depressive hole where I, you know, you just feel like you don't wanna live. You're, you feel worthless. it's really not a fun place to be. I am out of that now, which is why I'm making this podcast. Anyway, sorry. Back to my main point. I was talking to my therapist and she helped me realize even though I came out of the shame spiral, she still was noticing my language of how I was talking about myself and my behaviors, and it really helped me snap out of it and see how down I was on myself for things that I could not control. When I drink, and that's not all my fault. A DHD has a big role in that. Anyway, the best thing that came from this trip was the clarity on my decision to never drink again. And understanding how A DHD plays a role and is helping me to take away the judgment and really give me forgiveness for my younger years, that I blame myself for. So that's what this episode is about. And yeah, I have crystal clear clarity that I will never drink again, or my goal is to never drink again. I will say that my goal is to never drink again because alcohol in my life does not serve me. it is the way my body is made, the way that I am. How the A DHD plays up or how the A DHD. Shows up in my life, drinking will always turn catastrophic and not serve me in any way because I physically cannot control myself around it. I didn't think that that was a problem, but after this trip, I think I was just in denial because I didn't wanna quit forever. But I'm at so much peace now with this decision because when I looked back on this trip and I felt. That feeling of regret and just all the things that I wanted to do, all the things that I wanted to see on this trip went down the drain the moment I started drinking. and it made me realize that I never wanna look back on a day of my life and regret it because I drink. I never wanna feel that feeling of. I can live with regretting other things, but I cannot live with regretting drinking my life away. I cannot live with that. And so it was really this beautiful moment where I. Finally had that clarity. I think I was going back and forth for a while. I think there was a part of me that knew I, I could never drink again, but there was another part that was like, eh, but it's been such a big part of your life. Like you really wanna let that go forever. but yes, I now have that clarity that a hundred percent do, and I feel so backed by that decision and I am very happy about that. I think I, I thought I was, I think I thought I was, had my mind made up, but. I didn't, and now I do. So now I can, I can realize that I didn't have my mind made up. I wanna talk a little bit about, what I realized about drinking with A DHD and why. It just doesn't mix guys. it's not a fun cocktail. I did some research when I got back home because I have been in a rabbit hole of learning about A DHD because I never did in my childhood. And so I really, it's really teaching me a lot about myself and taking away a lot of the shame of some of the traits that I was so shamed about. And so, one thing, if you know about A DHD, it. Is connected with dopamine dysregulation. So A DHG is characterized by dysregulation of dopamine, neurotransmitters in the brain, reward pathways, substance use can further dysregulate dopamine levels leading to a reinforcing cycle of substance seeking behavior. That was a quote, so. If you have a DHD, your dopamine is already dysregulated. And so when you drink alcohol, by the way, alcohol shoots up your dopamine in your brain, and it also goes down quickly. So it's this big, these big waves of up and down, up and down dopamine, which is not great for your brain or for your mental state. So that feeling that I felt like I could not, not drink more. Like I've done a lot of work in myself, y'all, at least. Yes, I've done a lot of work. There's still a lot to do, but I, I, I'm gonna pat myself in the back right now. I've done a lot of work and I, for the life of me, could not stop. Thinking about alcohol, the moment I drank a sip, like it was like I needed more, I needed more, I need more. It was like this uncontrollable hunger. And I, and I felt like I became a different person completely. Like all the things I cared about went out the window. I didn't care about the things that I usually care about. And yeah, so it's that, it's. Looking back on younger years, I would've said, you know, I'm just a loser and I just can't help myself. You know, it's my fault. But it's not, there's a reason for why I can't not keep drinking So there's one thing, which is the dopamine, dopamine dysregulation. Another thing is the executive functioning deficits. So A DHD is also associated with deficits in the executive functions, which controls impulse control, planning, decision making memory. Emotions. And so when you add all that into, the dopamine dysregulation, you know, it's just a recipe for disaster to be honest. so the impulse control really plays a role in this because, you know, the impulse to get another drink just is heightened, right? Plus If you have a deficit in impulse control and you have low dopamine, and if your dopamine is dysregulated, that's just a cocktail for binge drinking. If you ask me, because impulse, you know, you're just impulse to get another one, you're just like, yes, yes. Keep another one, another one, another one. And if you're dopamine's low and you're trying to chase that, if your brain's literally trying to chase that dopamine to give you more, because it's, it's dropped way, way low. I mean, it's a no brainer. why I was binge drinking and why I literally couldn't stop. the other thing is, with impulse control and decision making, I made some decisions that I am not proud of, but they really shed a light on. How much I change when I drink and how much the decision making goes out the window. Like it's insane. I know a lot of people are like, yeah, I drink, I make stupid decisions, but I feel like mine, the decision making plus impulse control. Lemme go back here for a second. So executive functioning, it's already has a deficit in a DHD. So my impulse control, planning, decision making memory, all that is already like not at its height compared to someone with, a neurotypical brain. So when you add alcohol to that, all of that gets 10 times worse. So it's no wonder that looking around at my friends that are drinking that don't have a DHD are completely fine. They can drink, but they're not binge drinking. They can have one and like chill and just like hang out and like not be thinking about it. And they don't make these like crazy impulsive, you know, decisions. And yeah, they can seem fun in the moment, but they come with huge repercussions and at at the end of the day, they're not worth it and they cause more harm than good. And I always wondered why. People used to think I was so funny and like, just like so cool because I did all these crazy things. But they're not good. they're coming from a place of a deficit in the executive function to make decisions that are crazy and impulsive that don't make sense. Anyway, all that to say is it brings me, again, so much compassion for the young girl who. Blamed herself for all these things or all these decisions that she made while drinking and really got down on myself in thinking that I was a terrible person because of the decisions I made under alcohol. And wondering why I was the only one making like the craziest decisions. And this just like validates that so much. Another thing is with memory. So I always wondered out of all my friends, younger, even now, like I always blacked out more than everyone else or like not remembered things. And again, memory is an executive function. So again, my memory is already not up to par. I have good memory and like really weird circumstances, but not like the working memory. so this trip I, I blacked out one of the nights and some things happened and I remember people kind of judging me a little bit of saying, you know, how do you not remember this? How do you not remember? And that takes me back to high school too. People would always be like, how did you black out? Like that's, you know, blacking out was like such a shameful thing. And I always. Blamed myself so hard because I'm like, how can everyone else drink and not black out? And I'm the only one not remembering shit. And it goes back to adhd. And so again, it just relieves the shame and the yeah, the shame and the guilt from it. another thing with alcohol is it creates a psychological disassociation. It creates this false evidence that you become de-stressed from whatever's happening, but that is fake because really what you're doing is you're coming away from your reality. nothing about what's happening is getting fixed when you drink. It's just you're disassociating from your reality, which makes you think that all your problems are solved. I think that's The biggest lie, alcohol can tell us. And I mean, I believed it when I was in Italy. I just wanted to keep drinking, to not think about the moment I had to come home and then like the moment I had to come home and stop drinking, like that's when everything comes crashing down. I wanna touch on was emotional dysregulation. A lot of leading experts in A DHD really hone in on this part of it about the dis about emotional dysregulation, and that's like a big part of what A DHD is. And so what that means is it's an impairment. it impairs your ability to control your emotional response leading to extreme or overblown reactions that don't fit the situation. And drinking makes this 10 times worse, which is why I, when I got back from Italy and I was. Literally hung over for days. Like again, when I was younger, I always wondered why was alcohol affecting me so much? And because it's this point of, of the emotional dysregulation that's in your pre prefrontal cortex, which is already, already dysregulated. So when you're in the shame spiral, it feels like the end of the world. I could not regulate how I was feeling. Almost to the point where I felt like I had to shut it all down. Like I felt like I numbed myself out. All I was doing was watching mindless TV Numb whatever I was feeling, and I remember feeling so shameful about this. It's like, why can't I just get up and do something? But I literally can't. I literally couldn't. And I think we have to let go of being ashamed for a depressive moment. So that's another thing that I realized is that my emotions growing up, why I continued to drink in my youth is because the compounding effect of these dysregulated motions made me feel like there was something wrong with me. So while else would I choose not to drink, if there was something wrong with me, might as well drink and numb all this. When I first got home, I really felt like I was the biggest loser that ever lived, and now I'm realizing what a gift this trip was because I now see. I really see firsthand the link between alcohol and A DHD and why it does not mix for me, and I will be an advocate for this, hopefully the rest of my life because I think getting this information out there is so important because if you do have a DHD, alcohol is just gonna be 10 times harder for you. I know it feels like a curse because the whole world, they can go out, have. Two, three drinks and they're good and they're fine. They can live with it. And not everyone that has a DHD will have this problem. But there's a crazy statistic, I don't know the exact exact statistic. I think it's like, 43% of people with a DHD will have, problems with alcohol or do have problems with alcohol. So yeah, I just really wanna get the message out there. I did wanna say one more thing is one thing I noticed was my creativity completely left. My authenticity completely left the minute I drank and. Like so much so where I just felt like a shell of a human. I didn't even feel like I, like I didn't even have any emotions because I disassociated from them because I was so dysregulated that I literally couldn't even, I. Process the emotions when I was drinking because again, it affects your prefrontal cortex Anyway, I was, I'm just realizing it now. The emotions were so heavy and so deep that like I was overwhelmed with them. And yeah, so that was my time in Italy. I wanna thank all of you for listening. If you made it all the way to the end, you fucking trooper. if you have a DHD, if you have problems with alcohol, if you have both, reach out to me. Let me know how this podcast related to you and what takeaways you got. I always wanna hear from you guys You can expect some more podcasts on my road to understanding A DHD because I think it's a really big topic and I think there's a lot of shame around it, especially for me, for talking about it. Like I said in the beginning, I have been scared that people will, I. Judge me and say that it's not something real and you know, but if you do have it, you will know that it infects every part of your life in a good, and there's good and bad, right? A DHD can be amazing, but just'cause it's amazing doesn't discount these struggles that come along with it. Guys, you heard it here first. I. I'm no longer drinking ever again, so I'm on the sober bandwagon and it feels fucking great. I hope you guys like this episode. Welcome back, fluidity. I'm so happy to be back and I have some fun things coming up soon, so stay tuned. Y'all stay awesome, stay kind. Who's up?