EP26: The dopamine loop of self-improvement and productivity + The addiction to finding what is wrong

I’ve noticed I keep chasing this feeling of ‘fixing’ myself. Like I need to constantly be doing better achieving, fixing. And it hit me—this isn’t growth. It’s addiction. And it’s tied to how my ADHD brain works. ADHD or not anyone can relate to the topics I bring up in this episode. Buckle up buttercups, this episode is deep, reflective and raw. 

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Transcript

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I was noticing once again that I was chasing this feeling of fixing myself, like I need to constantly be doing better, achieving, fixing, and it hit me. This isn't growth, it's addiction, and it's tied to how my A DHD brain works. Hello, beautiful people. Welcome back to the Fluidity podcast. This y'all is episode 26 all about the dopamine loop of self-improvement and productivity and the addiction to finding what is wrong. Welcome guys. I am just getting over being sick. I dunno what's going on with me this, season i've been sick three times now and usually it's only one. There is a reason for everything, as y'all know. I think it's just this season's has been a lot of like death and rebirth and purging. So that's my intuitive guess of why I've been sick. But yeah, so I just got done being sick. Dan did it take me down. Today's like the first day I'm actually feeling somewhat normal. I also got my period pretty bad during the time I was six, so it was like a double whammy. But it was kind of nice to be honest because I couldn't go anywhere anyway'cause I was sick in my period. So it was like, why as well just get these two fucking things together over with, you know? So yeah, I was planning on doing this episode on Sunday. Obviously that didn't happen. But we're here, we're ready so. The topic today, like I said, the dopamine loop of self-improvement and productivity and the addiction to finding what is wrong. This is a really big topic for me because it's a pattern that has been in my life for as long as I can remember. Looking back, obviously in the middle of it, I didn't know that this was what was happening, but the more research and. Soul searching and inner work and just research on like a DHD. Um, this all kind of clicked for me also. It's been, this has been a pattern of like finding what's wrong with me in what me and my therapists have, have kind of uncovered of what I'm doing. I remember the first time my, I was seeing a Hippo therapist and. She like opened up my eyes to this.'cause I literally had no idea that I was doing this. It was so under the surface, like I didn't know what was happening. And she was like, okay, just take a breath. What are you, what are you doing right now? And all of a sudden I remember hearing a voice and it was like. You're trying to find what's wrong when there's nothing wrong, and it was like wasn't my voice and it would like just open up this whole other pathway in my brain. It was like, wow, this is what I'm doing. And it was like that bringing awareness to it. Like change, okay. It changed a lot, but it didn't fix the problem. Not even fix, it didn't solve anything because I think there's a lot of work that goes into a really deep limiting belief. It doesn't, it can change overnight, but a lot of times there is a process, there is a shedding, there is a reorienting and integrating, right? And so I found myself back in this loop again and like every time there's a new layer, there's a new layer. So I really wanna talk about it. And I wanna bring in the science a little bit about A DHD, because I think the way A DHD fits into this, I think it's very common for a lot of people, but especially people with a DHD. It's definitely a loop that I kind of see, A lot of people get into, so I'm going to give some reasons to why this may be happening in the A DHD brain. And if you don't have a DHD, this could still be relevant to you. And then I wanna tie it in with like my personal experience and, yeah, I don't know where this is gonna take us, but that's where we're gonna start. Like I said, I've known about this limiting identity belief for a little bit now and especially'cause I've been in the subconscious Freedom Healing program. it was six months, so I really got to know this very, well it's a very tricky thing because yes, we want to always be evolving, always be getting better, but it could sneak up on you and make you think you're doing that. But it could be coming from a fear place of, I need to fix myself. And it's a very thin line and it's a trap that I have gotten caught in many times, and that's okay. But I was noticing once again that I was chasing this feeling of fixing myself, like I need to constantly be doing better, achieving, fixing, and it hit me. This isn't growth, it's addiction, and it's tied to how my A DHD brain works. May know, you may not know. The A DHD brain has a lower baseline of dopamine. That's the brain chemical tied to motivation and rewards, focus, achievement, problem solving, and progress. All release dopamine. So unconsciously you may be using productivity as a way to cope, as a way to, you know, maybe not feel your feelings or. Honestly just to feel safe. that's a big, that's a big one for me. So the dopamine loop tied to self-improvement and productivity, it can feel like a rush of dopamine when you're learning, achieving, evolving. But when you're not progressing or uncovering some new breakthrough, I put that in quotation marks. It can feel flat, aimless, or even shameful, like, what am I doing? With my life. What am I doing wrong? When you have a living belief that there's something wrong with me. Which, like I said, I don't know if I told you guys this yet, but Yeah. I have uncovered that I've had this like, underlying energy of like trying to fix myself of like, there's something wrong with me and. I think a lot of people with a DHD, if you were diagnosed young, if you felt different as a child, you can relate to feeling like you need to fix yourself. Like there's something wrong. You're like, you're not right. And that has been a narrative of my whole entire life. It's not gonna take one realization to fix it. And I think I got down on myself about that, and that's why I really wanna make this episode and bring awareness to it. So, yeah, when you have a belief of there's something wrong with me, you're gonna be living in a world constantly scanning for ways to fix yourself. Let me just go into like some things, about how the A DHD brain works and how it kind of exacerbates this liberty belief and how they're kind of intertwined. So. First things first is mental hyperactivity. So with A DHD, there can be. Hyperactivity, which is a lot of times seen in boys as in like, you can physically see them hyperactive. A lot of times with women, it's more of a mental hyperactivity, so even if you're not physically bouncing off the walls, your mind is always racing, searching, questioning, connecting dots, and there's this need to like feel in control because of this chaotic mind. So. People with a DHD often feel a lack of internal control. You know, scattered thoughts, time blindness, emotional flooding. And so there can be an inner pressure to figure it all out. because when your mind is so chaotic and it's like searching and questioning to release that pressure, there's this fixation on needing to figure it out. And this goes into my next point, which is like pattern recognition. So you have this mental hyperactivity, right? Your mind's all over the place, pattern recognition. Is a gift and a trap of A DHD. with most things, you know, there's a yada yang. The A DHD brain loves to connect dots. It feels exciting and relieving to finally understand why you behave a certain way. So you have this mental hyperactivity, then your brain is like, okay, pattern recognition time. Let's figure it out. Connect the dots. And even if what you realize is negative. it still releases dopamine because it's like a click moment, right? It's like, oh, I understand myself. I understand this. I get it. And that releases dopamine. So your brain is a pattern recognition machine. It wants to find the pattern, it wants to understand. And like I said, that can be a gift and that can be a trap because your brain is constantly going. And when you can't find that pattern, it's like, I've had this in myself where it feels Like if I don't figure it out, I will explode and I will then trigger my stress response and I'll get like even more attached to figuring it out. And then it's like this loop of, if I don't figure it out, I fucked up. Then there is something wrong with me then like, you know what I mean? It's just like never ending loop. Which leads me to my next point. Dopamine and the fixing loop. This can become a hyperfocus, which has definitely come one of mine. A DHD, our brains get dopamine from progress, novelty and meaning. But what we also get it from thoughts and beliefs, I had a revelation with this, so I was thinking. Everyone has a different dopamine response, right? And I realized this when I was talking to my therapist. I haven't been wanting to go out with friends or anything. And all I wanna do, like the thing that makes me most happy, most excited is working on my book, working on my podcast, you know, being productive, doing all these things. And she's like, oh, really? Like I get my dopamine from people like being around. My friends and she's like honestly being around anybody, and I'm like, oh no. Like I get it when I'm by myself. And so I'm wondering, there must be a correlation between thoughts and beliefs and how that connects to your brain releasing dopamine. And so I did a little research and just intuitively, I feel like this is so true. Your dopamine gets released based off your thoughts and beliefs and this. So if I believe or if anyone believes there's something wrong with me, right in quotation marks, or if I believe productivity makes me more lovable than every time I'm doing something good, I get a hit of worthiness. Right. So it's that belief that, okay, there's something wrong with me. I get dopamine when I figure out what's wrong with me, and then when I fix it, it's also like a clicking moment. So I also get dopamine. So it's like this loop of like, do more, feel better, crash, do more, feel better, crash. You know, it's like this never ending cycle of finding what's wrong with me. Seeing the pattern that could be, you know. With spirit, like in mindset stuff, which I'm obviously you guys know, I'm really into. And then it's like, okay, finding what I'm doing wrong and then I can fix it. And then, then you get a little hit of dopamine. But it's, that cycle never stops.'cause your brain's always onto the next, onto the next, onto the next. anyway, I found that so fascinating it's creating a world where I believe there's something wrong with me and that I need fixing. Right? And who wants to live in that world? You feel stressed, you feel like you're not right. You feel like this is not a fun place to be. Right. And yes, there can be, great things that come from being motivated from wanting to be better, but if it's coming from a place of hate and fear and I'm not good enough, if it's coming from that energy, you're never going to go to the place you wanna be. You're never gonna be that whole version of yourself because it's coming from a place of lack. Does that make sense? My next point is hyperfocus. So if you have a DHD, if you learn anything about A DHD, this is a very hallmark trait of A DHD. Now, everyone talks about how great it is. Again, every one of these superpowers also comes with a shadow, and that's with everything in life, right? The paradox. Hyperfocus and a DH adhd. Why is this a thing? Because people with A DHD our brain, dopamine is set lower than other people that don't have it. So if your dopamine is lower, so things that excite us give us more and stronger dopamine response than others because our baseline is lower, so the contrast is bigger, right? We're more reward sensitive, especially to novelty or emotional situations. So emotional situations, again, if you have a belief that. There's something wrong with you that is emotionally charged, right? Especially as a kid, you, I could go into this, I could deep dive into that, but I think you guys understand what I'm saying. But when your hyper-focus is on something like trying to fix yourself or being better, and that's coming from fear, right? You're hyper-focused. You're always gonna be scanning yourself for what's wrong. You're always gonna be scanning, what can I fix? And so you're always on this, edge of proving yourself wrong could you imagine, someone in your head constantly looking at what's wrong with you? Constantly telling you you have to fix something, you're not. Right? Right. And you live with that in your head. So another aspect of this is productivity equaling worth, which I think a lot of us, especially in society right now, are trying to get out of. But it is still a deep pattern, a deep programming. And what I realized in me, you know. Kind of being a little addicted to productivity and fixing myself. What I was doing was trying to find safety sometimes as constant scanning for what's wrong with you really isn't about growth. It's about self-protection. so what I realized is, this was a self-protection mechanism, right? If I find what's wrong with me first, no one else will see it. And this is huge, especially if you're. Growing up with feeling like you're not what other people want you to be, or you're not good enough, or you're not smart enough, or you're not pretty enough. It can be this like safety mechanism that you are trying to fix yourself before others can see it and it can be fucking exhausting. I wanna bring in a personal story, so. With productivity and myself, I realize it's another, another thing that I sometimes have an unhealthy relationship with, but I also realized the other side where I am making myself wrong for it. Let me explain. Over the last weekend, or Yeah, before I got sick, actually. Shocker. my mom asked me about Father's Day and she was like, Hey, do you wanna come over Father's Day? And of course I was like, yeah, like, we'll do a brunch, blah, blah, blah. And then I started getting this, like this, like just this overwhelming stress of I'm not gonna be able to do, enough for my podcast? I'm not gonna be able to do enough things. Productive. I'm not gonna get all the these things done. And I was really deep worrying it wasn't just stressed, like your normal stress. It was existential like, I will die if I don't get these things done. if I don't do my podcast, I'm not gonna feel fulfilled. That kind of thing. And I started questioning myself on this, like, Hannah, don't you wanna take a break and hang out with family And I started to wonder why I feel this almost boredom when I'm not being productive, when I'm not, doing some of my creative stuff. And I started to make the link that. Because again, I've been interested in A DHD and like I obviously can feel this is like a big, like it's a big, draw. It's like an addiction, right? I get this big head of dopamine when I'm productive, when I do these things and I don't get it when I'm around my family, when I'm around people that I don't have a strong connection with, where we can, you know, talk on a deep level. I. Started to really get down on myself about, you know, Hannah, you can't even go hang out with your family. I was sitting there judging myself because I honestly would've rather done my work and been productive and like, that's how I wanna spend my time. And there's nothing wrong with that. But I started to really question why that is. Like why do I feel like I can't take a break? Why do I feel like I don't feel fulfilled in relationships in my family life and connecting with others? And what I realized is, is the deep belief of there's something wrong with me and that need to fix it, that. The feeling that I'm not worthy yet, that like I still need fixing to be able to be happy. And so I just really are, was starting to understand the underlying energies and self-talk and it's not about making myself wrong, it's really looking at how my brain works and if I have this belief of productivity. And fixing myself is what's gonna get me love, is what's gonna get me happiness. Then of course, my body's gonna freak out when I'm not doing that right. And I might not get as much dopamine when I'm doing those things. And that might make me think that I'm not having a great time or, you know what I mean? Because my brain is, is in that hyperfocus of trying to fix myself so I, it won't let me relax and. Let myself get dopamine from just being around other people because I'm fixated on, I need to fix myself and that's my brain, you know, trying to help me. But really it's kind of setting up, a barrier between me and others. And so that's what I really noticed. And I think it's, there's a fine line and I think people with a DHD, it's hard to admit that maybe your friends and family don't. Engage your brain enough, but I don't think, that's why, I think the limiting belief underneath where that dopamine's coming from started to make sense. So once I started to like not judge myself, I started to realize that the limiting belief was driving these actions and driving me to do this. It wasn't that I didn't love my friends and family, right? It was This deep subconscious draw towards productivity and fixing myself, that's where the dopamine was. So it's just reframing and, helping our brain have other ways of reward or, other healthier ways of reward where it's not constantly fixing ourself, where it's not constantly trying to be better. Yes, those are great things, but there's balance in everything in life, right? It's, yes. I strive for more, but I already know that I'm whole and perfect. Right? It's holding that paradox and it's not easy. Let me tell you, it's been like since I revealed this limiting belief, it's been like a year, maybe a little bit more, and I'm still uncovering layers and I'm getting to it and still learning how to, work with myself and not judge myself another thing I wanted to bring up an example of me scanning for what's wrong and making everything I'm doing wrong, okay? So. When I'm working my work week, I am coaching During the day, I am doing the podcast. I'm writing, I'm doing everything for my business during the day. And then at night I work, I work late shifts for like, so like five to midnight. I don't get home till like one. And that job is constantly talking to people, interacting. It is. Very tiring, to say the least. so like on the days that I'm off from working that night job, I honestly don't wanna hang out with anybody. I just wanna relax and just do nothing. Right? I'm like one of those all or nothing. So I'm either like full force on the days I work, like I'm working like 12 hours, right? And then the days I'm off, I'm like, I don't wanna do anything. And I was really getting down on myself like, what is wrong with me? Why don't, like I was making this story in my head that I didn't wanna hang out with people because I'm scared of others and like trying to, I was trying to find something that was wrong with me when in reality I just wanted to be alone, you know? So. When I do something that's kind of not the norm, I make myself wrong and say, there must be something wrong with me because other people don't do this right. For example, like other people, they like to hang out with others and do all this stuff, and that might be true later in life, Because I do love people and I think that's why I have a hard time with it because I do love people and I so want connection, but I. Recharge best when I'm alone.? So that's the, the paradox there in my life is I wanna be with others, but I, right now with my schedule and everything I got going on, like sometimes I just wanna be alone and I don't have to make myself wrong for it. And so this is where I caught myself when I was talking to my therapist. I was like, what's wrong with me? Like, why do I not wanna hang out with people? And also just going back to what I was talking about, productivity, these are two different things, right? The productivity, it's like choosing productivity over family stuff, over friends. Versus like honestly being so. Fatigued and tired to where I'm not doing anything productive. I'm literally just chilling, but I wanna chill by myself. And so I was making myself wrong for that. like, Hannah, what's wrong with you? You don't wanna be around people. Like, if you don't wanna be around people, then there must be a living belief that you think you're shitty. And like, there must be a reason why you're getting so tired and why you're not wanting hang out with people. And I said, yeah, maybe, but also maybe I'm just fucking exhausted and like I do recharge best by myself. And there's nothing wrong with alone time. Nothing wrong with it. So just to tie this all in, a nice little bow. I would question everything I did and make myself wrong for wanting to be alone. Like there must be something wrong with me because I want alone time. You see. So with that limiting belief, you're like looking through rose colored glasses, as they like to say of like, there's something wrong with you. So everything you do that's like weird or quirky, there's something wrong and you need to fix it. Like you wanna be alone. You gotta fix that. You should be wanna, you should want to be around people all the time. And if you don't, something's wrong with you. I still have that like. Shame around it because I don't wanna let people down. I don't wanna them to think that I don't like them, but I've been in this period in my life where like alone time is really ch like I really cherish it and, but there's also this side of me where I don't want, I don't want a limiting belief to stop me from living my full potential, And. you have to trust yourself. I think that's A big soul lesson trusting myself and not letting this voice in my head Tell me that I'm doing something wrong when it feels right. The experience, what we're learning is how to trust ourself enough to where, when, when that voice comes on and tells you, Hey, you gotta be with other people. You're a loner. You must be weird if, if you wanna hang out by me, yourself, and coming back to that voice and be like, no, you know, I worked, I recharged when I'm alone, and I just wanna be my own energy and there's nothing wrong with that. Right. There's nothing wrong with that. And like just noticing when you're hyper focusing on like trying to fix something about yourself when you so wholeheartedly, like feel good in your own energy and yeah, I think that's about it y'all. I just really wanted to bring. Awareness to this topic because it's been really prevalent in my week and honestly my life and just being, yeah, like we're not gonna know all the answers. We're not gonna, we're not gonna know until we know. And right now I, yeah, I guess I do, I do feel lonely, but I also feel held in that loneliness. Does that make sense? I'm in this big transitional period where everything I was is kind of falling apart. People, I was friends with relationships, they're, you know, they're all changing. So I think looking at a spiritual lens too, like you have to shed it sometimes. That shedding glass more than you think it needs to, but. Just to trust in yourself and the divine timing I think is like my biggest lesson. yeah. So thank you guys for listening to me today. I am so happy to be back and I love you all. If this resonated with you, please comment, please reach out to me, and yeah, you stay fucking awesome and kind and wonderful and I'll see ya next week. Peace.