EP28: Body dysmorphia, OCD & ADHD, the link no one talks about

Today I talk about how Body Dysmorphia has impacted my life. I speak about why and how ADHD feeds fuel to the fire. I also touch on the importance of looking at healing through a different lens. 

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Transcript

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I think one thing that has been the missing key is looking through healing through the lens. A brain that is neurodivergent because obviously there's big differences and we don't talk about it enough. I think being in this healing space without that lens or without that knowledge, has made me feel even more, of an outsider Hello friends. Welcome back to the Fluidity Podcast. This is Hannah May on the mic. And today's episode, it's episode 28. It is going to be on body dysmorphia, OCD and A DHD, the link no one talks about. So this one is definitely a little bit more, deep. A very vulnerable thing for me to talk about, but I'm stepping to the side because I truly think, I truly believe that personal stories can help others, especially those that are going through similar things. Even if you're not going through these things, it helps you understand the people in your life, your friends, your colleagues, your family members, Your loved ones, right? And the more we understand them, the more we can, just build on that relationship. And so, yeah, I am, I feel a little bit nervous right now. Recording this and talking about this and putting it out there because it's not a fun topic to talk about, but it is so important, to bring awareness to it, and that's what I'm doing today. As you guys know, I have been writing a book, and as I'm writing this book and as I'm expressing everything. It's almost like I'm taking myself through a healing journey while I write this book, and it's doing just that. I have had so many aha moments in just awarenesses of what's been happening my whole life underneath the hood, and I truly believe I'm meant to talk about this stuff and talk about it from a different lens, because we hear of healing, through the lens of, I don't like this word so much, but neurotypical, right? So, if you're new to the A-D-H-D-O-C-D space, they call people with A-D-H-D-O-C-D neurodivergent people without it. Neurotypical. I have been in this space, the healing space of healing through the lens of a neurotypical brain, which is beautiful and there's so much wisdom. But I think one thing that has been the missing key is looking through healing through the lens. A brain that is neurodivergent because obviously there's big differences and we don't talk about it enough. And I think being in this healing space without that lens or without that knowledge, has made me feel even more, of an outsider as I have felt a lot of my life. and. There's no shame of, of that, of where, of the containers I've been. It's been amazing. But I truly think, my mission here is to bring the voice and the healing space of someone that's neurodivergent because it's gonna look different than someone that is neurotypical. There are obviously some similarities, but there's a lot of differences as well. And I'm very new into this journey of looking through the lens of neurodivergent. by the way, I am not a doctor. I'm not a psychologist. I don't have any PhDs or anything. This is purely my experiences, my intuitions, truly talking about myself here. But I do think I. Experiences, people's lived experiences are the best way we can learn. But again, this is not like official. So take what I say with a grain of salt. If it resonates, great. If not, leave it. I felt like I needed to say that because I'm not a psychologist. This is all my own research and my own, experiences that have led to these, discoveries and we're about to talk about today. So. With that being said, I wanted to talk about how this podcast came to be, why I decided to do this. I was writing my book and I have spoke about my. Diagnosis with, or my experience with Hypothalmic and amenorrhea. I lost my period for four years, over four years. That, that's why I kind of stopped the podcast. I took a hiatus from the podcast and I was just doing some healing on that and it's crazy how all this is linked together and there's so many moving parts and it's like. It's unreal, to be honest. And so this is just the beginning because all these different aspects are kind of like they're all there and I thought they were all separate, but they're all interlinked and, and it's like almost beautiful of how interlinked they are. I mean, it's not a walk in the park, I tell you, with these things with like A-D-H-D-O-C-D body dysmorphia. Even in the hypothalmic and amenorrhea ha. For short, all of it is linked together. they're not separate, they're all almost one entity. just looking through different views. But they all interlinked together. They all feed off each other, and that's what I'm gonna get into today. But the main topic I wanna talk about is body dysmorphia, but you can't really talk about body dysmorphia without talking about the others. especially in my case, because I do have all three. So back to Hypothalmic and Amenorrhea. I told you guys about it and I was wondering like for the past eight months, or even before that, past eight months though, it's been, it's been very heightened and very much so. The main thing I've been struggling with and I kind of pushed it on the rug, you know, the body image. Things and the, all that stuff aside because in my mind it was, I felt kind of pathetic that I was struggling this much with body image and how I looked because I so badly wanted to be someone who was above looks, And I thought that having these issues made me surface level and Shallow, but that is not the case because this isn't just me wanting to be skinny and hot. That's not what this is about, and that's what I was looking at it through. It goes much deeper than that. And body dysmorphia is not just, you know, you're a little upset about how you look and you don't like the way you look. It's. It's tied into your safety. It's tied into your, it's tied into your nervous system. And yeah, so I was talking to my therapist because this week especially, it was triggered very much so because I was sick last week and so I was in bed and I wasn't moving. And that drives. The body dysmorphia to like a whole nother level my, anxiety and my, the OCD, it just, it ramps it up. So this past week I have felt very triggered and so I was talking to my therapist, Or sorry, my, my coach, about like what limiting beliefs could be under there. And I was looking at it through the lens of there's a limiting belief and that's it. It's just a limiting belief. I just gotta change my mindset and I'll be good to go. It's way deeper than that. It go, it's so intertwined with my nervous system and I think I've been underplaying even to myself, how. How bad it's been in my head, in my body, I've been resisting it because it's not a fun place to be. It's not fun to, to admit. I knew about body dysmorphia. I knew the word. I didn't know actually what it was. And so after talking to my coach and really like. Really bringing awareness to all my thoughts, to all my actions and not judging them has really opened up a door for me to understand. And I think that's what stopped me before of really seeing what was happening. And instead, what I was doing was judging it and saying that I was just, shallow and you know, I should just get over it by now because it's just your body who cares. Like, and again, consciously I know that, I know that. It's not about looks, it's not about all X, Y, and Z, but my nervous system, my like that, it doesn't know that and I'm gonna get into Y. So what is body dysmorphia? Body dysmorphia is a mental health condition where a person becomes obsessed with perceived flaws in their appearance that are often. Minor or even invisible to others. This isn't just about wanting to look better or feeling insecure. Occasionally it's chronic, distressing, and can significantly impair daily functioning. So that right there, there's a difference between, just not liking the way that you look because you're just ha you're on your period and you're just like, eh, I don't feel the best. Body dysmorphia is chronic, and I can attest to this. It's in the back of my head constantly, and it's not just, oh, I hope people like me. it's a visceral feeling This visceral feeling is, I'm gonna try and explain it the best I can, but if you don't know what visceral means, it's a deep, often instinctive emotional reaction that is felt strongly in the body rather than being the result of conscious thought or reasoning. Body dysmorphia is not just. Like I said, I don't like the way I look. It's a felt sense of disgust, of shame, of like you're like, I'm a literal piece of shit, that I am defective, like the way I look is defective. Like when people look at my face and I'm like in social, um, situations, I'm constantly think thinking of like. I almost sometimes see images of myself, of like being really gross and disgusting and, or like I'll be standing there with someone and like just feeling myself, my, in my body. I am just feeling like, yeah, it's just feeling like disgusting not even of disgust that you are that disgust that you are that disgusting thing. And it, it just comes with like shame of who you are. And it, it's more so like with what you look like. You just, yeah. It's, it's such a deep feeling and it's, it like takes over your whole body and it, it feels like so tied into your safety. So. Like when I'm at work and stuff, or just even in like social situations, like my constant mind loop is just like fixated on how people see me. Or just like, does my nose look a certain way? It's just like constantly on my stomach, like constantly noticing that my stomach is extended and like how disgusting I look and I don't know if I'm doing a good job explaining it, but it's not just, I don't like the way I look like it's all I think about. It's like an obsession and it's like this feeling of. Yeah. Being the best thing I say is being defective and like that I like have some like weird thing about me that I'm just like, ugh. Like how, how? Like, here's a good way to explain it. Like when I feel like, how are people looking at me right now? Like, ew. Like sorry that you're looking at me. That is. The thoughts. And it's really hard to admit and say it out loud to be honest, because who wants to admit that they feel this way about themself? And I do wanna point out that's not, that's the trick of, that's the trick of, um, body dysmorphia or, you know, O-O-O-C-D. It's like you, you viscerally believe in your thoughts because you believe in your thoughts because they're so visceral that it feels like you it feels like you're that thing. Hopefully I'm explaining that right. So body dysmorphia. I had a feeling that the way I was feeling about my body wasn't just a little limiting belief that I could change. it felt more. Obsessive, and I spoke about my experience with OCD, in the very earlier podcast, like in the single digit podcast episodes I talked about OCD. I don't talk about it often. OCD is, obsessive compulsive disorder. I did not know this, but body dysmorphia is on the spectrum of OCD Now, when I was younger, I had OCD referring to like, um, I forget the exact type, but it was basically like a, you know, having to flip. Having to flip the light switch on and off a certain amount of times, having to get in my bed a certain way. it was almost having things perfect around me, even clothes on my body. If it was off a little bit, it had to be perfect if it was off a little bit or if it something felt off it, like drive me insane, I would have to get off the couch a certain way. I would have to leave the room a certain way. I would have, and if I didn't. Do these little compulsions, correctly, like I'd be stuck there for sometimes a very long time doing it to get it just right. But the more times you do it, the more you reinforce the compulsion, so the more you do it anyway. I'm not gonna get into too much about my younger years, but just know it was debilitating. It was lonely. I didn't tell anybody because I was so embarrassed. The shame that came with that is undescribable, and I think I still carry that with me. So all this to say, I was so embarrassed of it that Ahe ended up treating myself and just one day I was like, I can't have anyone find out about this. So I just. Decided to not listen to the voice in my head telling me to do these things or else I'd die. And after I kept, not doing these compulsions, I started realizing that I wasn't dying. And so I kind of healed myself of the physical, like moving things to be in a certain way or like, you know, brushing my teeth like it was in every aspect of my life. Everything I did had to be a certain way and I would have anxiety, if I didn't do it a specific way, it took up my mental space. Anyway, I kind of read myself of that type of OCD, but then I got into, learning about A DHD and how, A DHD and obsessive compulsive disorder are actually, related. So people with A DHD, it often co-occur with OCD spectrum disorders. it's not talked about a lot, but They're linked, and in my opinion, I believe that the OCD came online to help me cope with the A DHD and the emotional dysregulation also because I got put on Adderall at seven years old and that really flared up the anxiety Emotional dysregulation, like when I came down from the Adderall. So in my opinion, I think the OCD was helping me cope because the OCD started to come online soon after I was prescribed Adderall doesn't mean that that caused it, but it definitely was a factor in triggering it. Again, this is just my perspective for now. It may change the more, healing work I do, the more, understanding I get of myself and these disorders, I don't even like to call them disorders.'Cause whatever, that's a whole nother topic. Okay. So I thought I rid myself of these things then to come find out that, when I was doing research on A DHD and. OCDI, found a therapist'cause I wanted to understand the OCD more'cause I really didn't, I wanted to understand myself more. So I went to a OCD therapist. and what she told me was, this was heart wrenching'cause I thought I cured myself. She said OCD cannot be cared. It only changes in form. And I thought that was very limiting. I was like, what do you mean it, it can't be gone. Like, yes, it's gone. It changed. And what I've realized, because I've been with my brain my whole life, it feels very, it doesn't feel, it feels known, right? So it's unconscious because it feels known. I have realized and had an aha moment that the OCD. Has morphed into body dysmorphia, and again, because Body dysmorphia is on the OCD spectrum, so the same neurological structure that I had when I was younger morphed into body dysmorphia disorder. Now I wanna switch gears because I think I have seen a lot of correlation between A DHD and body dysmorphia disorder because of some factors. And again, I. I don't think it's the only way. And then not everyone that has DHD is gonna have OCD, but it is very, it's like 20% of people that have a DHD also have OCD. And because it's OCD it's how your brain is wired. Same with A DHD, so, it's a coping mechanism. Same with, body dysmorphia. It's a coping mechanism and I wanna explain some factors on How they feed off each other and how like simple mindset work or perspective shifts are not the full answer of how to heal for example, I had this amazing mindset perspective shift. I felt like I clicked in some bolts in my mind, in my mindset, in my perspective. And then I went to work and it all went out the window. So I go to work. I am wearing a, and this is just, by the way, this is gonna be an example of how body dysmorphia shows up and how a DHD can feed fuel to the fire. So also, this made me realize. How bad it was writing it out. I was dismissing all of this. Um, and because I just was like, oh, you know, I'm just being overdramatic, you know, gaslighting myself once again. So anyway, I wrote this beautiful, perspective shift on my book and I'm like, wow, I feel so great. I'm not gonna have any more of these feelings'cause I've shifted my mindset. So I go to work. And I, I decide to wear, a cute crop top. It's not, it's like. It's kind of crop top, And it kind of shows my boobs a little bit and not, I'm not saying revealing, it's just showing my boobs more than a t-shirt would. I go to work, right when I walk into work, I can already feel my nervous system start to get agitated and I'm flooded with thoughts of, are people looking at me? My boobs feel disgusting. I can automatically feel every part of my body. I can feel the weight on myself. I can feel. Everything on my skin. It's like hyper-awareness of your body. It's like so uncomfortable. One of the things I do, and this is unconscious, I will suck in and it hurts my stomach.'cause then I'll start to cramp my stomach starts to bloat. I'm constantly thinking about what people are looking like, how people are looking at me. Thoughts of like, everyone thinks I'm gross, I'm disgusting. I'm like itching inside okay, that mindset tool just went out the window because all of a sudden I cannot control my body. So I'm not gonna go too much more into that. But basically that's what was happening. And the next day and I was very, I felt very ashamed of what happened. I felt like I couldn't control anything. I felt outta control. I felt like my healing was out of my hands because like, when was I gonna feel comfortable? My body? It's like being constantly aware of, Your body. I can feel my stomach when I'm at work or when I was at work that day, and this happens multiple times, but it feels like I am like six months pregnant. I feel like my boobs are flopping everywhere. I like, I can feel the body weight on my body move and it just. Feeds into the cycle of the obsessing of my stomach to where then I'm sucking in, all my energy is hyper-focused on what my body looks like. What are people looking at? X, Y, and z la I did bring a T-shirt because this has happened to me before and I put it on. that didn't really stop the intrusive thoughts, to be honest. because I could still feel like the shirt that I was wearing was really annoying. I could still feel my stomach bloating and just, the sensory overload I feel with my body is insane, and I'll explain why. the next day after that happened. I wrote about it because that's what this book is about, is like literally all the truths. And so I wrote about it and that's when I discovered that body dysmorphia disorder is on the spectrum of OCD. And it just clicked for me because I remember what that doctor said and they said that I. OCD doesn't go away. It just changes and that is where it changed. That is where it still shows up in my life. And the hypothalmic and amenorrhea was a manifestation of the compulsions I was using to keep that OCD. The body dysmorphia at rest. Because I was reinforcing the behaviors, that's why I felt okay when I was going to the gym, or not even, okay. I was like. Obsessed to where if I couldn't go to the gym or if I ate something bad, it's, it would be all I thought about. All I thought about it occupied my mind space. And that's because I felt like I had a sense of control. And that's what OCD is. It's OB obsession with control and if you feel outta control, you feel like you are not safe. And so body dysmorphia. It's a hyper fixation on my body instead of when I was younger, it was a hyper fixation on, like dying and things like that. And now it's just moved to my body and I'm now realizing that it's not just, oh, I don't like the way I look. It's so much deeper than that. It's so much tied into my nervous system. And A DHD is another layer to it that just adds fuel to the fire. And that's why I think we're seeing a lot of people with A DHD have eating disorders and body dysmorphia because. They feed off each other. And now I'm not saying that everyone that has a DHD has this, but it's been very common and I've really been noticing a theme. And so I wanna explain why that is. Like what, what are two traits of the A DHD that are kind of feeding fuel to the fire of body dysmorphia? So I touched on, in my story, hyperfocus is a. Very common trait of A DHD. And I know this well, I use it to my advantage, but it also, it's a double-edged sword because it can be used for not so great. obsessions so A DHD, the hyperfocus is linked to seeking dopamine, right? Your brain latches onto things that provide simulation, even if it's negative, like body focused thoughts. Also with. Body dysmorphia. again, it's a spectrum of OCD and obsessive compulsion, so it's, it's obsessive thoughts. it's just that loop. They're very intertwined with each other. And so when your nervous system, for example, when I stepped into work stress. Stress can deplete dopamine. So paradoxically, it makes you crave hyperfocus as a way to regain some neurochemical stability. So to make it simpler, your brain is hyper aware of your body, which also goes into sensory sensitivity, and then you lock into the sensation of discomfort Hyperfocus on. The flaws on the feelings. So what I just mentioned there was sensory sensitivity, which I don't think it's, talked about a lot in the A DHD realm. And this is something that I have struggled with my whole life and I had no name to put to it. people that are close to me, like my sister will know that like. I can't wear like pants or any clothing that is tight or that is, uncomfortable, itchy. If I'm like in a really uncomfortable spot, like I am so sensitive and so that's why gaining weight has been really difficult as well, because I can feel, I can feel the body weight in a way that I can't describe. It's like it's. It's on overload to where you may look at me and be like, Hannah, your normal weight, but I feel like I'm 300 pounds because I can really feel the weight on myself. And plus then I hyperfocus on it and then Makes the cycle repeat itself. This is also why when I go to work, I get stressed because my nervous system is on overdrive When I am around people and I'm perceiving them thinking I'm fat or, you know, it's just, it's something that's really hard to control when I'm out with friends, that's constantly what I'm thinking about. It never leaves my mind. It's so intoxicating to where it takes over my life. And that's also what happened, when I was younger with OCD and now I'm seeing it with body dysmorphia and you know, I'm done pretending like it's not there because obviously that's not helping. and so I wanted to bring awareness to this because, It's not something that you can just get over. It's intertwined with your nervous system. It's intertwined so more deeply than we even understand. I mean, the research on this is not well done. And hopefully that's changing because, a lot of people, my family included, don't know the struggle that I have been through with this. You know, I can feel lonely. I'm gonna get emotional, but, I can feel like you're in a prison of your own body and your own mind. being in prison of your own mind is one thing, but also your body to where you never feel comfortable or like safe in your skin. you feel like you're being punished for something. You feel like you're being punished by your. Yourself by your body. It can feel very isolating and like no one understands. And so if you're someone that's dealing with this, I wanted to say, I see you and I. It's not all in your head. And I think for a long time I thought this was all in my head. And being able to really put words to this and really understand it and know that I'm not crazy is so liberating. But it doesn't change the fact that when I go in public, my nervous system flares up and this happens and I don't know the answer yet. I believe this book is going to lead me there. Me healing myself is gonna. Hopefully help heal others. So that's my mission. I also wanna talk about, one last thing before I leave you guys is OCD and body dysmorphia. I think I talked about it a little bit at the beginning, but how it can be a coping mechanism for A DHD because. As we talked about A DHD, it leads to dysregulation and then shame, and then peer rejection, academic struggles, right? I don't quote me on this, but I believe a A DHD develops when you're young and. So these experiences create trauma, like imprints of I'm not enough, I'm broken. And then the OCD, has a hyper controlling coping mechanism to manage, the inner chaos of the sensitive nervous system of people with A DHD. And then the body dysmorphia emerges, especially if, trauma is tied to appearance. Self-worth rejection. What's interesting is OCD and body dysmorphia.'cause right now I'm just talking about both of'em. but these loops trick you into believing that your thoughts are absolute truth. That your emotions are your identity. Because the default mode network, which I've talked about before, the default mode network is. What generates thoughts and internal narratives so. It can become hyperactive, especially in states of stress, social comparison, or emotional dysregulation. So you hyperfocus on, perceived flaws and because your emotional volume is turned up from the A DHD, those negative body-based beliefs feel viscerally true. Like they're not just thoughts, they're your entire identity. And when you're in this state, when you're in the sympathetic. When you're in your sympathetic nervous system, it blocks rational and logical thought. So I could be at work and the mindset that I had before going into work completely goes out the window because that nervous system state blocks the rational and logical thought. So you feel like this is true, and I think this is a big piece here, is like, it's not just a thought, It's like you are the shame, you are the guilt, you are the disgust that you feel about your body, like you are that I think that with being in the subconscious healing space and doing all this, mindset and subconscious work, I absolutely love it, but I think. We're missing a big piece here with Neurodivergence and A-D-H-D-O-C-D body dysmorphia dealing with that because it's not just switching the belief, it's tending to your nervous system. And I don't have the answers yet, but I do feel this sense of pressure just release, because this whole time I've been on this spiritual journey for almost five years now, and I feel like. I have been behind because I have been looking at it through a lens of one. Well, again, fixing myself was not, a great way to heal. But now I'm starting to see how the nervous system is also at play and how sensitive it is with, you know, A DHD and all these other things. So. Yeah, I guess that's just my thought. I just wanted to bring that up because I think there's gonna be a lot of, a lot of turning points in my healing with this lens. This was hard for me to talk about. if you listen to it, I truly appreciate you. If you are going through something similar. I see you and just know that you're not in it alone. And if you ever need someone to talk to, I'm your girl. If you have any questions, you guys know, please feel free to reach out to me. I love you so much. Have a beautiful day. Peace out friends.