EP29: Unplanned episode LFG. life update

The title says it all lol, listen to find out the life update

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Transcript

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Hello beautiful people. This is Hannah Ma. I don't know what episode this is 30, I think. Welcome back. Today we are doing something way, way different. I am out on Walk in Nature using a new mini mic. It does have some pretty good background noise canceling features, so hopefully it works. If not, you get some lovely nature sounds. I tried to sit down, but the bugs were fucking killing me, so I'm walking, so that's why it might be outta breath at some points in this. So I wanted to do a podcast away from my desk, away from my laptop, just me and the mic. No idea what I'm gonna talk about, because I have been feeling like my episodes have been lacking personality. I started this podcast to express myself and to, you know, find my voice, whatever the fuck that means. And I have realized that really planning out my episodes has been causing my personality to lack in them. And don't get me wrong, there's nothing wrong with having a topic. I will still have topics and have. Things I wanna talk about in the episode, but I wanna start doing some episodes where I'm just freely talking, just letting what comes up, come up because. Yeah, like I said, my episodes have been lacking personality, in my opinion, and I have been so caught up in making them perfect, making myself sound like I know what I'm talking about. Make myself seem like someone you know that has it more figured out, and that's really what. Not what I want this podcast to be. I want it to be very real and raw and not another podcast that pretends like they're not going through the same shit you are. So, oh, sorry, I'm walking up a hill. I think there's a bench up here I'm gonna take a little seat at Anyway. So if you listen to my last podcast, I talked about the quantum field and I talked about internal family systems. When I talked about the quantum field, lemme just say that the quantum field is a very intricate topic. Okay? I kind of set myself up for failure there. And again, it's not a problem to talk about things that I'm excited about. That's what this whole podcast is about. But I put so much pressure on myself to know what I was talking about, that it did the total opposite. I listened back to it and I'm like, where the fuck is Hannah? I'm not in this at all. And I have been writing a lot in my substack. And I was honestly feeling very frustrated. I was feeling like I wanted to throw this podcast away. I feel like I wanted to throw away everything because I just felt, yeah, I just felt hopeless in that I was even making progress, that I was even meant to do this because. I don't think I've said this in the podcast yet, but I am very insecure about the way I communicate, how I communicate. It's always been something that I haven't been the strongest at, even though, you know, I've done coaching on a mic, and I was good at that because I had things to say. I had a script that I could make my own, but it wasn't my words, you know? It was my gosh. Hold on. Okay. What was I saying? Yeah, so I could make the script my own, but still it was, I had a guideline, right? I had a box to be put in I feel like I've been doing that with the podcast a little bit. You know? so expressing myself has always been a soft spot for me, and I have. Protecting myself by making sure I know what I'm talking about, doing a lot of research, really looking at the topics through another person's point of view, which is N There's nothing wrong with that. But when you're taking their point of view and their voice and making it yours, that's when you lose yourself. You lose your voice and you lose a personality, which is what I was noticing, especially when I listened to my last podcast. It was all divinely guided. But I listened to it. And I was like, holy shit. I said the same thing five times. I, this podcast just lacked sustenance. It just seemed flat to me and that sent me into a spiral because I'm like, what the fuck am I doing wrong? Like, and I think I'm just scared of getting on the mic and not knowing what to say. And it's not a matter of not knowing what to say. It's. Being afraid that what I'm gonna say isn't right. I think a lot of us go through this. The only difference is I'm on a mic and I'm putting myself out there, which makes it easier to see, yeah, in other news, I'm still doing internal family systems and I gotta tell you, this shit is crazy and it's really opening up a lot of doors for me and seeing how my inner workings work. I just wanted to talk one-on-one with you guys and let you guys know what was going on. Quite honestly wanted to quit this podcast. Question if I could even, you know, do this podcast and make it successful. And if I even had a voice to share, if I even had things to share or if it was just all fake shit of me wanting to be wanting attention. And don't get me wrong, I am a Leo Rising, so. Girl likes a little bit of attention, but I know that there's something deeper. Even though when I'm in this frustrated, hopeless state, it doesn't feel like I have a purpose in it. If anything, if it goes nowhere, I do know that it's if's helping me express and really know what my voice is and what I've realized with all this. After I spend a couple days of like deep, dark hopelessness and just like literally some not great thoughts and I won't even get into that, but I've had a couple days to like let myself feel it without trying to fix it or talk about it or find the lesson in it. I do that often and I didn't do that this time, and I let myself feel it. I let myself. Write about it.'cause I find when I write about it and get, you know, let these certain parts of me talk, it really does help. Today I'm feeling a little bit more levelheaded and grounded. Where's I even fucking going with that? Oh. But what I have realized that it's come with from this is I can really see real time what my voice is and what isn't. What is me trying to be something I'm not? And you don't really know until you try. You don't really know what your voice is or what your voice sounds like until you fucking start using it. Another thing that I found interesting is that my neck has had some problems, for a while, like really bad stiffness, tenseness to where it like. The pain is so irritating and so uncomfortable. It like frustrates the hell outta me, and I realize that it's connected. It could be connected to my throat chakra and, and though that's getting into the woo woo. Oh, another thing that I've been realizing lately is that I. I had this part of me that's so cringe about talking about my feelings and spirituality and all that stuff, even though that's what this podcast fucking is. There's a part of me that's so cringe about it that feels like it's so cringey and that like, oh, what? Why the fuck you talking about that? Um, sorry, I just had to throw that in there. But yeah, so the throat chakra is. Obviously connected to your neck. And so I've kind of put 2, 2, 2 and two together today when I was thinking about, making this, I took a walk by the way. See the, my story's all over the place, but I took a walk. I'm about a mile away from my house at this. Nature Park, park sitting on a bench. It's like a discourse, a disc golf course. So on my way here, I didn't wear any headphones. I just, you know, me and my thoughts and I had this realization that maybe my neck is really sore and. Tense and all these things because I am not expressing my truth, my emotions, how I feel. I don't wanna say that, like, I'm not being real because that's not true. But there's parts of me that wanna be more expressed that I'm not giving them a voice. If you guys were in my last substack, you know, there's this fear that my story isn't good enough, it's not exciting enough, it's not. People don't wanna fucking listen to it. And you know, I know consciously that's not true, but it it does feel true. So yeah, I just wanted to give you guys a real update on my life. I'm making a really big change coming up. I am moving out of my apartment that I have been in for three years with my twin sister, Sarah, so I don't know if you guys know this or I've talked about it, but I've wanted to travel. I've wanted to see the world and just explore. For a while now. And so now that this opportunity has come, we're moving out of our apartment. My parents are graciously and amazing to let us stay there in our old rooms. And so I'm moving all my shit into my parents don't have any rent that I have to pay, don't have any utilities. I do have bills, but not nearly as much as I would. Do right now with an apartment. So I decided that I wanted to do a work away or work trade. And if you don't know what that is, it's basically, there's an app called, there's two of'em, but the one I'm using right now is Work Pack or World Packers. And basically there are hosts that will host you and give you free accommodations like food, shelter. There's other things involved letting you use their car, you know, for work. So you'll do work for them depending on what work trade it is. A lot of them don't pay you because they're paying you in accommodations. And a lot of the work is very, you know, it's not hard work. So you work for like four or five hours a day. You get like three. Two, three days off and you only have to work, you know, four or five hours per day and it's usually in the morning. And then you get the rest of the day to go explore wherever you're at. A girl that I follow does this. And I was very interested. Like this just called to me and I really wanted to do it. So I decided to do it. This is the perfect time. There is nothing holding me back. So my first workaway trip is in Hawaii. I am gonna be on a horse farm, taking care of the horses and taking care of the one and a half year old, so I'm gonna be switching between taking care of the, the little girl, and then also helping with the horses and the farm and the, all that good stuff. If you know me, you know, I love horses, obsessed with horses, so I'm so excited. I mean, I'm a farm girl that has not yet been a farm girl, you know? So I also think this is gonna be a really good time for me to just focus on, hopefully you guys can't hear that, but a fucking dog's barking. Okay. I don't know if I'm gonna do these things outside here because there's just too much going on. But anyway, back to what I was saying, Okay, so this, there's another one that I am gonna be doing in Hawaii. It's on a different island though, so it's the next island over, and that one's gonna be a retreat center, which is really, really cool. Very spiritual spot. So two months at the first one, a month and a half at the second one. So I would get done in October. No, what am I saying? I would get done in mid-December and I would come home. What I wanna do is do a couple of these around the world. Obviously, I wanna do these two first. See how I like it, see how I like. The whole vibe of it. And of course every work trade is gonna be completely different, but you know, just see if this is for me. And yeah, it's a big, big change. Obviously I am working right now to save money, so that way I'll have enough money to pay for the bills that I do have. I think this has also put a big strain on me and my coaching business, feeling like I need to start making money now, so I'll be okay because my goal and my dream is to be able to travel while coaching people online while making money online. Yeah, just getting to travel the world and share about my experiences and take this podcast around the world. That's basically my dream for this podcast. And also the reason why I bought these small little mics was to continue my podcast in Hawaii and really document everything there. Also. It's just gonna be really nice to, I don't wanna say get away, but you know, I needed to travel and experience the world. There's a part of me that so deeply wants that and like such an explorer. And then there's another side of me that's like a scaredy cat who doesn't want to, and I feel like I'm in a place now where I have the inner tools to do this. It's a perfect time when my lease is up, you know, I don't have any commitments and I'll be able to really focus on. What I want for myself, what I want my business to look like. And I think being in Hawaii with a slower life pace and just like overall, it's like a slower vibe there and it's more, you know, we revolved around nature and I'm gonna be around horses and so yeah, that, I think that's, that sums it up. I would be lying if I said I wasn't scared shitless. But there's also a side that is very much so excited. I'm gonna keep you guys updated on the closer I get to it. And when I'm there, I'm gonna be talking to this little mic and I wanna have a guest on. I am staying with, I think two other girls, two or three other girls at the first place. And then I think one or two girls at the second place who are also volunteering with me. They're from all around the world i'm feeling this, this push to go do this, and I have amazing parents that are supporting me and I haven't really told many people this yet. Thank you guys for listening. Truly, I'll keep you updated and man, was this week hard? I'm not gonna lie, I don't think I've felt this way in a long time. I. It honestly started once I started doing family Internal Family systems, or maybe it was my period, or maybe it's doing Internal Family Systems and beyond my period, I don't know. But I, yeah, just been getting a little overwhelmed with the emotions, but. Trying to learn from'em and trying not to run away by conceptualizing them. I have realized that is a pattern, trying to figure that I'm out trying to fix them, trying to do anything I can to get away from'em. I hope y'all liked this very raw, unplanned podcast. The next podcast I do want to do is around. Quitting drinking and more updates on that because the last podcast that I did on drinking and quitting, drinking and sober, you know, sober curious content was the most viewed podcast that I had. So that is telling me that people want to know more about that. So next podcast, I'm gonna do that. I was gonna do that for this podcast episode, but. It just didn't feel like it was ready, like it was, ready to be talked about yet this needed to be first. So lemme know what you think of this candid podcast of me outside with all the fucking bugs so I wanted to try out the mic one and I think it's gonna sound fantastic. Anyway, I'm rambling now. So if you like the podcast, like subscribe, let me know if you listen. It really does make a difference to hear from you, to know that there's someone I'm fucking talking to. You know, it lights up my day when I hear someone say, I listen to your podcast, yada, yada, yada, whatever. So if you listened. And you wanna shoot me a direct message or whatever, please do. And as always, subscribe. It helps me, helps me keep going, and it helps me not quit this shit. I love you. Peace out.