EP30: Navigating sobriety with a brain that is built for depth- give yourself time to be reborn

Today, I talk about the identity shift that happens when you quit any substance that you used to connect and relate to others. This one is very personal. It is a fresh wound, so I don't have all the answers, but this is the raw truth of the now moment I am in.

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Transcript

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it's no secret that A DHD, the A DHD brain loves stimulation, right? It loves novelty, it loves being. Intrigued and interested in something. When I was drinking I could make anything stimulating. I could make anything interesting because I had alcohol. So any situation you put me in, I would have a blast. I would be fine because I had alcohol and alcohol makes everything seem, I'm doing air quotes more interesting than it actually is. So take away the alcohol. Put me back into, life. What am I gonna feel? I'm gonna feel pretty bored at some of these things if I'm doing things that I used to without drinking. Hello friends. Welcome back to the Fluidity Podcast. This is Hannah May. This is episode 30. We are talking about sobriety. What comes with that? The new identity of, being someone that no longer drinks and no longer does the things they did to connect with others. I wrote on my substack, I think this was just yesterday. The title was A DHD and Sobriety, and I was really digging deep into being on this sobriety journey through the lens of A DHD. And I was really trying to answer the question, was this problem A-A-D-H-D problem or was it a, limited subconscious identity problem? Now I was making a problem out of not wanting to hang out with people basically, and. Lemme just give you the rundown, the backstory. So those of you that don't know me, hi. I am Hannah and I have been sober. For a year and two months. There was a little break in there about the one year mark. I went to Italy for a week and yeah, I drank that week. So I do say that there was a weak pause on the sobriety train, but we're back on it. And when I say sober, I mean from alcohol. It's actually now sober from everything right now, but there was some weed smoking in that year. I just wanna be transparent. So I was sober for a year or two months break in between there for a week. And during this past year, I have really been going inward. Especially ever since I got back from Italy, so that was May, it's so like about two months I've been even more loner vibe I have really been questioning myself because I haven't been wanting to go out and hang out with people I haven't been wanting to. Be social. And I was really getting down on myself for this because I'm like, there has to be something wrong with me. I also noticed myself getting very bored with situations that I would usually be in when I was drinking. you know, going out with friends, doing things. And I just found myself bored as hell and really judging myself because I was looking at my life through the lens of what I used to feel like when I was drinking and the way I relate to people. The way I relate to everyone in my life now is different I didn't think of this as like such a big deal. I thought like, Hannah, you should just fucking be able to be sober and be fine. But the transition, I'm not gonna lie, is not as easy as I made it out to be to others. Yes, the no drinking part is easy. To me right now, I made my decision not to drink and I'm very set in that decision. Nothing's gonna make me change my mind. The hard part for me is to relate to people and to feel like I have a connection with them and that I am vibing with them You know, I don't know. I've just been feeling in not all my friendships, but a lot of, you know, things I haven't been wanting to do because I'm like, I've done that. It's boring and I have no motivation to do it again. And so I've been getting down on myself for. Being bored with things basically, and thinking that there is something wrong with me. am I never gonna be able to relate to anyone? Am I never gonna be able to have community again? Or feel like that connection that you're with a group of people and you all get each other. Like, it's funny that I just said that because I did have a moment like this when I wasn't drinking with two friends. it was only one time, but I did get that feeling. And now that I'm saying this, I was smoking. So I don't know if any of you guys know this, but how could you, I didn't tell you. I actually quit smoking weed when I first quit drinking. I didn't smoke for seven months. I didn't drink for seven months, obviously. And then,, when I hit that seven month mark, I was like, maybe I can, maybe I can smoke a little bit now. Like maybe, you know, let's let myself try it out. And so I started smoking again and it honestly kind of became another clutch, another thing to numb. So recently, ever since I got back from Italy, I decided to put down the weed again because I didn't think, I didn't feel like it was serving me. I felt like again, it was something that I was, using as a distraction and a way to numb the emotions or numb the boredom or numb whatever. And so now that I quit smoking as well, I find it even more difficult to want to go out and hang out with people.'cause again, I was using weed to relate to people. I was using weed to connect with others. There's nothing wrong with that, but my soul is craving something way, way deeper, and I'm just not gonna get there when I'm using weed to relate to people. Because what that does is. Makes you relate to people that maybe you wouldn't have related with unless you had that substance there. And I do believe that it was a way for me to go out and hang out with people and feel like I was still like, Being fun or like being able to calm my nerve. Like it's actually smoking weed doesn't actually calm your nervous system. It makes you think that it does. Same with drinking, it actually does the opposite. But anyway, the feeling of like, ugh, that relaxation of like smoking or drinking or doing something to numb, your inner thoughts. And so I used weed to be able to go out and be in community and not feel like I was such a loner. In writing that Substack yesterday I started to realize how much I have been making myself wrong for this alone period in my life. I have asked the question many times, what is the problem I was making there a problem when I really don't think there is one. After I wrote that Substack yesterday, I reached out to my coach Sarah, shout out Sarah Zula. And, I pretty much just sent her my substack basically. I just would love some clarity on this. I don't know. I'm feel like I'm spinning. And she basically said one. Let's take away the labeling, right? I was trying to figure out if it was an A DHD problem or if it was a limiting belief problem, and she's like, let's not try and put this in a box.'cause of what that does is it limits us already if we're trying to label something. And today I was running another substack. By the way, I'm obsessed with Substack. If you don't follow me or subscribe, I'll leave the link in the bio. Please do so anyway. I was writing out my substack and I realized the reason why I wanted this label so bad was to figure out what the problem was. If I could label a DHD or if I could label it a subconscious story or identity, I could fix it. And what is that subconsciously telling me? It's, it's saying that there's something wrong with the way life is right now. And when you resist. What is when you resist life, that is when suffering comes in, and that is honestly the cause of. Chronic fatigue, which I have been experiencing a lot of fatigue. And I'm wondering if part of that is because I'm literally resisting what my life is right now. And I don't resist, resist it all the time, but it is kind of a, a under the hood energy that is kind of there a lot. And I think this is a big, this whole topic has been a big driver in that. So I'm glad that I'm kind of digging it out. Okay. So yeah, labeling. So I realized that me labeling was me trying to find the problem. And really, if there is no problem, there's no need to know exactly where this is coming from. we've grown up in a society where we like to put things in boxes and make them seem like they're not all intertwined with each other, but they are like the A DH, adhd, the subconscious mind, like they're all intermixed. You can't pull them apart from each other. So it's like, it's really not doing me any good to try and figure out where this is coming from. And the second thing she said was, let's just look at the situation, just the situation at hand, like what is going on? Basically, you stop drinking and you're not going out with friends and you're working a lot. Oh, that's another thing I didn't even bring up yet. But anyway, lemme just go back. So she's like, You stop drinking and when you stop drinking, that's a whole identity shift. Like the way you related to people. The way you related to community was through drinking, and now you just took that away. So of course there's gonna be this time where you don't know where you fit in because you don't even know really yourself yet, and how you connect with others in this new identity. Right? So this alone time is really. For me to establish that inner standing with myself, that, you know, knowing myself and I, and I intuitively know this, I know this, I know this, I know this. But for some reason there is a part of me that thinks that I'm doing something wrong and wants to save me from. Failing or save me from wasted time or, doing the wrong thing. But I have to keep reminding myself and be patient with this part and reminding it that it can trust life and it can trust the deeper self because the deeper self me, the true self knows and just to let it, let life carry me because it will. And another thing she mentioned, because I mentioned this in my, in my text, was. I am working a lot and my job requires me to talk to, I dunno if I'm exaggerating this number, but it fucking feels like a hundred people a night. Sometimes if it's busy, I'm talking to a hundred people. It's like a lot of it is small talk. And you guys, I don't like small talk. I really don't like it too much. But she's basically like. You're working and you're seeing this many people, of course your social battery's gonna be burnt out. And so the time that you do have that, you're not working, of course you're gonna wanna do the things you wanna do. And that might not be in revolving people because this time is for you to get to know yourself. Right. And I'm like, this is clicking so much. I, I, you know, sometimes I think we just need permission from others to know the things we know, right? Like, I already knew this isn't new information that she was saying, but the way that she affirmed me and saw me and saw my soul, that just feels so fucking good. And yeah, to bring an A DHD lens to this, it's no secret that A DHD, the A DHD brain loves stimulation, right? It loves novelty, it loves being. Intrigued and interested in something. And when I was drinking I could make anything stimulating. I could make anything interesting because I had alcohol. So any situation you put me in, I would have a blast. I would be fine because I had alcohol and I, alcohol makes everything seem, I'm doing air quotes more interesting than it actually is. So take away the alcohol. Put me back into, life. What am I gonna feel? I'm gonna feel pretty bored at some of these things if I'm doing things that I used to without drinking. Even without weed,'cause weed triggers dopamine in your brain as well? Not as much as alcohol, not as much, but it does. So take away the weed, take away the alcohol, and then put me in situations with others, other friends, other people. And now how do I relate to them? Of course, I'm gonna feel bored, of course I'm gonna feel, you know, like I'm scrambling, like I don't fit because I took away the things that made me. Feel like I fit, you know? And that's what I think drinking and, drugs can do. It can make us feel like we relate to people when maybe we don't. Because the only thing that we're relating with them is that they like to smoke, that like to drink. And you know, and I'm not saying that's the only thing because we all, we we're all one big family at the end of the day. Now I'm like talking all this out. It's making so much sense. But I was really blaming the A DHD because I'm like. Am I just never gonna feel that spark with people where I just am in flow and I'm, having so much fun and I'm, just interested in what we're doing and just engaged. And I have been down on the A DH ADHD part of me because I thought that this was to blame. But again, I. I wanna go back to what my coach said, which was, this is a rebirthing time. I have been spending so much time in my, you know, be before this past year. I spent so much time drinking and smoking and do all these things, and that was how I related to people. And now you take that away and, and now I don't know how I even relate to people. a big thing with A DHD, at least for me, is I get a dopamine release when I feel like I connect with someone. When I feel like someone sees me, when I feel like I see them. And if I don't know how I relate to even myself right now, how am I gonna be able to relate to others in a way that feels like that deep connection that I'm looking for? There is something in this for me, and I think this goes to show how easy it is to look past the gift. In this time it has been, um, a year and two months. And so I think I'm like, it's been so long, like how am I not readjusted yet? But then I just reminding myself this. Now I was smoking for most of. At the time I was going out. So in that first seven months that I was sober, I wasn't really going out because I wasn't smoking, I wasn't drinking, I wasn't doing anything. And then I started to, you know, I think have this feeling of there's something wrong. How, why am I not, going out and hanging out with people. And I started smoking again, not just to hang out with people, but I, I just started smoking again'cause I wanted to, you know, relax and like chill and like have fun and wanted to do that without alcohol. So weed was there for me. And that's when I started hanging out with people more and going out again. not like going out, but hanging out with people. And then fast forward to, you know, the last two months where I've stopped smoking, what happened? I stopped hanging out with people. not all people. There is, there's actually one friend and my parents that I still hang out with When I stopped smoking for the second time, I'm now like, what's wrong with me? What's wrong with me? And that's the same thing I was doing in the first seven months. It's like. Why am I not hanging out with people? Blah, blah, blah, blah. But it's because I took away the smoking now. So now again, I have to, I have to learn how to relate or learn about myself and how I relate to others. Without the smoking, without the drinking. And that's another identity shift. So it's, it's so crucial that we give ourself compassion and know that this is a rebirthing time and to not rush it and to not think that we're doing something wrong because we're not where we think we should be. Like there is so much that we don't know that we're being guided through. There is another, thing I wanted to talk about, I'm in this mastermind called the Subconscious Freedom Mastermind, and it's so, it's so crazy how perfectly it aligns with what I'm going through this week. And Sarah, she was talking about how there's no def definite end or. Conclusion to life. Like, everything's a process. So, what I was doing was making this time, this time period in my life, an end all be all like, oh, I don't, you know, have any close friends right now. I wanna spend a lot of time alone, and I'm thinking that that's how I'm gonna be for the rest of my life. But it's not an end all, be all. It's a life is a process. It's never going to stay the same. And to trust that we will be guided. And I, I am an open person and I, I think there's a part of me that forgets that. You know, and I, when things come to me, I will learn from them and not to force myself to learn a lesson that. Doesn't need to be learned right now, or it is a lesson that I need to be learned and it, the lesson is to trust myself and to not jump to conclusions and make myself wrong for every little thing Like I'm working a lot of hours right now. I'm also like doing a lot of things creatively, like give myself some space, give myself some time to like really be with myself and know how I relate to others. And I honestly didn't know that. Quitting weed would be as pivotal as quitting drinking. You know, because those are ways that I have related to people and take those away. now I'm like, of course. No fucking shit. I don't know how I relate to people and I think the whole A DHD topic, like. That does play a role. Yes, because the weed, the drugs, the alcohol, it could make anything fun. So now that I don't have that, it's really, it really shows me how. How picky my brain is with how I spend my time, and I think what a gift that is. You know, I won't spend my time doing something if it's not in alignment with me. And I think that's how my brain has always been. But the alcohol and the drugs really distracted me from seeing the deeper truth because I could easily distract that feeling, that intuition with the drugs and alcohol. When it said, you know, this isn't the spot for you, you know, we're not happy here. I could easily distract that voice because I had booze and I had weed. So what a gift it is to have, this brain that I have and I'm, not making it bad for knowing what it wants, knowing what it likes to do, and just because it may not look like everyone else's life right now. Doesn't mean it's wrong or bad. And I think the last thing I wanna end on is community is important to me. Community has always been important to me. and when I was drinking, I had such a community of people. not to say that we, it was a community of, people that like to get fucked up, but still, it was a community. And I had friends and I had things going on all the time. And so this just goes to show that community and having friends is important to me. But that doesn't mean just because that's. Important to me and that I don't have it necessarily right now, doesn't mean it's not coming and doesn't mean that this time isn't so pivotal for me to know how I relate to myself and know what aligns with me. Because if I don't know what aligns with me, if I don't know how I connect with people, how am I gonna connect with the people I'm meant to if I don't have this time? So. If you are new on the sober journey, hopefully you can take something I said today and you know, apply it to your own life when you quit drinking, when you quit smoking, when you do quit doing something that you related to people with, it's gonna be an identity shift You might spend more time alone, you might not. Everyone's different. For me, I've been really like spending my time alone writing, doing podcasts, learning like that is just, and being in nature, like that's what's really agronomy right now. And to trust that I'm on the path and I wouldn't want to be doing these things if it wasn't for the highest and best. And that's it. End of story, like. Yeah, I mean, I feel really good with this realization and it's crazy how caught up. You can get in thinking that there's something wrong and bad and that you're doing something wrong. And if you guys have known me for a little bit, listened to this podcast, you probably know that this is quite a theme of me jumping to conclusions and thinking that there's something wrong and that there's something that needs to be fixed. Anyway, my beautiful, beautiful listeners. Thank you for taking this journey with me. Just know that quitting drinking, quitting smoking weed, you're, you might feel lost. I have felt lost. You might feel like you don't belong in your, you know, your social groups anymore, your friends, your family, and that's okay. You are not doing anything wrong. It's not that you're not gonna feel like you belong again. It is just a switch and it takes time and it takes readjustment, and it's a rebirthing period. Okay? We are being reborn. All right, my beautiful, beautiful listeners, I love you so much. If this resonated, if this struck a chord, if you're newly sober and you wanna chat, please let me know. I'm always open to questions. Thanks for listening. Please subscribe. Please leave a comment, and you have a beautiful, beautiful day. Peace out.